Tackle & Grapple

  • Season 3, Ep 9
  • 11/13/2013

Meegan gets Andre in trouble, and sensei Doug Duggart teaches self-defense for the ladies.

- HOO!GREAT HIKE TODAY, BUDDY.

I WAS COMING UPTHAT LAST HILL,

AND I TURNED AROUND ANDYOU WERE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

- MM-HMM.

- THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE TOGO BACK AND GET YOU.

- UH, AT LEAST WE MADE IT.

OH, YEAH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU,I TALK IN MY SLEEP.

- OH.- YEAH, QUITE A BIT, ACTUALLY,

SO IF IT BOTHERS YOU,JUST WAKE ME UP.

- OKAY, BUDDY.- COOL.

- GOOD NIGHT.- GOOD NIGHT.

DICK HEAD.

YOU STUPID DICK HEAD.

[imitating Key] "HEY, JORDAN,OH, LET'S GO CAMPING, COME ON.

"OH, JORDAN, KEEP HIKING.WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

OH, BUDDY."[chuckles]

SO MUCH [bleep] ENERGY.

JUST SHOVE THAT CLIF BARUP YOUR ASS,

YOU BALD [bleep]SUCKER.

- [whispering]JORDAN, JORDAN.

- [bleep] YOU,KEEGAN...HYPHEN...MICHAEL...KEY.

- JORDAN, WAKE UP,

YOU'RE TALKING IN YOUR SLEEP.- NOT ASLEEP YET.

- [sighs]- [clears throat]

- CAN YOU TOTALLY CHILL OUT?- NO, I'M SO ANNOYED RIGHT NOW.

CAN YOU, LIKE, NOT TALK TO MEFOR, LIKE, A SECOND?

LIKE, THAT'D BE GREAT.THAT'D BE FINE.

THAT'D BE FINE BY ME.

WHAT?OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

THIS IS BULL[bleep].WHAT COULD POSSIBLY

BE THE PROBLEM WITH LETTINGTWO MORE PEOPLE IN?

- CHECK YOUR GIRL, BRO.

- I'M SORRY.- EXCUSE ME, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

"CHECK YOUR GIRL"? UH-UHH,IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

NO ONE CHECKS MEBECAUSE I'M NOT LUGGAGE.

OKAY? SO YOU CAN GO[bleep] YOURSEE-ELF.

- MEEGAN, SERIOUSLY,

TWO MORE PEOPLE ARE GONNACOME OUT IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS,

AND THEN WE CAN GO IN.

- NO!LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

WHAT WAS IT LIKEBEING IN THE GREEN MILE?

- HE WASN'T IN THE GREEN MILE!

HE CLEARLY WASN'TIN THAT MOVIE.

- WHAT DOES TOM HANKS'S PENISFEEL LIKE?

- MEEGAN!- MOREOVER, HOW DOES IT FEEL

WHEN SWARMS OF BEESARE COMING OUT OF YOUR FACE?

- SERIOUSLY, I'M SORRY.IT'S, LIKE, HER FAVORITE MOVIE.

- DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR ME!

YEAH, THIS IS NICE,THIS IS NICE.

YOU LOOK LIKE COMMON MEETSTHE INCREDIBLE HULK.

- MEEGAN--- WHEN YOU BROUGHT

THE FRANKINCENSE TO BABY JESUS,DID THEY, LIKE...

- OH.- MAKE YOU STAND

OUTSIDE THE BARNBECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BIG,

OR DID THEY INVITE YOU INWITH ALL THE OTHER ANIMALS?

DON'T FLARE YOUR NOSTRILSAT ME,

OKAY?- HE'S--

- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAHOW IMPOLITE THAT IS?

- HE HASN'T MOVED HIS NOSTRILSONCE SINCE WE GOT HERE.

- I SAW THEM MOVE!- THEY DID NOT MOVE, MEEGAN.

- THEY FLARED!

- MEEGAN, THEY [bleep]DID NOT MOVE!

- YOUR NOSTRILS FLARED MORE THANA SURVIVOR FROM A BOAT ACCIDENT.

- WHAT?

- HE'S NOT EVEN LOOKING MEIN THE EYES.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO CONTINUETO BE A LITTLE PRICK,

YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR ASSKICKED.

- DON'T TOUCH HIM, MEE--MEEGAN.

- [scoffs]CRAZY BITCH.

- [gasps]

[squeaks]

- [sighs]

OH!

- I TOTALLY LOVE MY NAILSRIGHT NOW.

I'M SO OVER EVERYTHINGRIGHT NOW,

OVER THE FLOOR,I'M OVER THE SKY, I'M OVER YOU,

OVER THAT PUSSY BACK THERE.

YOU'RE A PUSSY!

- MEEGAN, SERIOUSLY.- WHATEVER.

- [makes kissing sounds]

- NICE LEGS, LITTLE LADY.[laughter]

- UM, EXCUSE ME?

- OH, GOD!

- HEY, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WHAT THE [bleep]DID YOU JUST SAY?

YOU GUYS COME BACK HERE WITHYOUR LITTLE ITTY-BITTY DICKS.

- YOU BEST CONTROL YOUR LADY.

- YUP.- [gasps] EXCUSE--

"CONTROL YOUR LADY"?NO, HE DOESN'T CONTROL ME,

'CAUSE LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING, I'M NOT A REMOTE.

- MEEGAN, BABY,CAN WE JUST LET THIS GO?

- NO, I'M TALKING TO THE PUSSIESOF ANARCHY RIGHT NOW.

- OH, BOY.- YEAH, YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU ALLGATHER YOURSELVES,

AND WHY DON'T YOU JUST GOAND FIGURE OUT A WAY

TO [bleep] ON EACH OTHER'SLEATHERY PENI.

- HEY, [bleep] YOU, BITCH!- [gasps]

- OH, NO.- [squeaks]

- [sighs]

IT'S NOT EVEN THE PLURALOF "PENIS."

[punching thud]- YEAH!

[thugs laughing]

- I'M THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!

YES!I FEEL INVINCIBLE!

LIKE I HAVE SUPER POWERSOR SOMETHING. HA HA!

YOU HEAR THAT,ALL YOU [bleep] OF THE WORLD?

I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT,AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME.

- BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TOFIGHT YOUR OWN FIGHTS,

YOU CRAZY BITCH!- [gasps]

- OH, BOY.- [squeaks]

- OH, NO.

- [squeaks]

- [sighs]

UGH! OH.

- NOTHING CAN STOP ME!

- HEY, HAVE YOU EVERFOUND YOURSELF

IN HIGH POINT, NORTH CAROLINA,AND NOT FEELING SAFE?

COME ON DOWN TO DOUG DUGGART'SBRAZILIAN JIU JITSU.

YOU WILL LEARNTO TACKLE AND GRAPPLE,

[gong rings]AND--

[gong echoing]

LIKE A ULTIMATE FIGHTING PRO.

AT MY STUDIO, YOU GETHANDS-ON TRAINING,

[both grunting]

AND INDIVIDUAL ATTENTION.

SO HUT! HUT![grunting]

TACKLE AND GRAPPLE.

TAKE ON MULTIPLE ENEMIES.

THIS IS A TACKLE.THAT'S A GRAPPLE.

THIS IS A TACKLE.

THAT'S A GRAPPLE.

GET--THERE WE GO.

[grunts]

TACKLE AND GRAPPLE!

ALL AGES, LEARN TO PROTECTYOURSELF AND YOUR LOVED ONES.

THERE ARE MANYDIFFERENT LEVELS.

THERE'S THE BEGINNER LEVEL,

AND IF YOU PASS MY PRIVATEONE-ON-ONE SENSEI TRIAL,

YOU MAY MAKE ITINTO THE ADVANCED CLASS.

TACKLE AND GRAPPLE!

DOUG DUGGART'SBRAZILIAN JIU JITSU

AT THE HIGH POINT MINI MALL.JUST EAST OF THE PIZZA BARN

TWO DOORS DOWN FROM CARL'SDISCOUNT WHEELS AND FURNITURE.

SO--QUICK TACKLE!GET DOWN. [grunts]

[muttering]

[all grunting]

NO, STAY--STAY AWAY.

SPECIAL DISCOUNTSFOR COLLEGE STUDENTS.

S--MM, MOVE IT.GET YOUR LEG BACK.

[gong rings]

PUT YOUR LEG BACK THERE.[gong echoing]

- UH, I ACTUALLY PRESSED ITALREADY.

- HMM?- THE WALK BUTTON, I PRESSED IT.

- COULDN'T HURTTO PRESS IT AGAIN.

- BUT IT WON'T HELP.

I MEAN, I PRESSED ITALREADY, RIGHT?

IT'S ALREADY DONE.

YOU DON'T THINKI DIDN'T PRESS IT?

- NO, I WASN'T SAYING THAT.

- GOOD, 'CAUSE I MOST CERTAINLYDID PRESS IT.

- JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR ITTO CHANGE.

- SO I'M, LIKE,LATE FOR WORK,

SO I'M JUST--JUST GONNA PRESS IT.

- WHAT FOR? WHY WOULD YOU DOSOMETHING THAT'S ALREADY DONE?

I MEAN, I JUST THINK THATTHAT'S CRAZY, RIGHT?

- I DUNNO.- YOU WOULDN'T SUIT UP

AND TRY TO KILL BIN LADEN AGAIN.IT'S DONE.

I HAVE KILLED THE BIN LADENOF PRESSING THIS BUTTON.

- HOW LONG AGODID YOU PRESS IT?

- WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'VE BEENSTANDING HERE FOR DAYS?

- I--- I JUST PRESSED IT

RIGHT AS YOU WALKED UP.

- ARE YOU SUREYOU PRESSED IT?

- AM I SURE I PRESSED IT?IT'S--HOW COULD I MISS IT?

[scoffs] RATS KNOWHOW TO PRESS BUTTONS.

DO YOU THINKI'M DUMBER THAN A RAT?

- NO. NO, NOBODY'S SAYINGANYTHING LIKE THAT, MAN.

- IT'S GONNA CHANGE.JUST--JUST WAIT.

IT'S BECAUSE I PRESSED ITALREADY.

- OKAY, NO OFFENSE.I'M JUST GONNA PRESS IT.

- WHAT WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR?THIS IS PRECISION EQUIPMENT

DESIGNED BY PEOPLEWITH ENGINEERING DEGREES.

IT WILL WORK.

I PRESSED IT, SIR!I PRESSED THE BUTTON!

- WHILE WE'VE BEENSTANDING HERE,

THE LIGHT CYCLEHAS GONE BY TWICE, OKAY?

I'M NOT SAYINGYOU DIDN'T PRESS IT.

I'M JUST SAYINGMAYBE IT DIDN'T WORK!

- IF IT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME,

WHY IN THE WORLDWOULD IT WORK FOR YOU?

YOU THINK THAT IT WOULDCHANGE FASTER IF YOU PRESSED IT?

YOU THINK THE LIGHTDOESN'T LIKE ME, OR SOMETHING,

OR DO YOU THINK THAT THISPARTICULAR BUTTON WAS DESIGNED

SO THAT IT ONLY WORKS

AFTER THE SECOND TIMETHAT IT'S BEEN PRESSED?

'CAUSE THAT'S LUNACY, OKAY?DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

DO NOT CUT MY BALLS OFFON THIS ONE, OKAY?

PLEASE,DO NOT PRESS THE BUTTON...

AGAIN.

- OKAY, FINE!WE'LL JUST STAND HERE!

- THANK YOU.

- WHAT?- HEY, NO!

OH! OH!

TOLD YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PRESSEDTHE BUTTON.

TOLD HIM NOT TO DO THAT.

NO, ACTUALLY, I ALREADYPRESSED THE BUTTON, SIR.

- ALL RIGHT, FELLAS,COMING TO THE STAGE NEXT

IS THE BEAUTIFUL GALAXY.

- HEY, BABY.- HEY, BABY.

OH.

GON' BE FOR YOU.[chuckles]

YOU CAN KEEP IT.

THERE'S MOREWHERE THAT CAME FROM TOO.

TRUST ME.

- [whistles]

THERE'S MY GIRL.OH, DAMN.

I'M STRAIGHT UP TALKIN' 'BOUTSOME DARRYL DAWKINS RIGHT HERE,

BECAUSE THISSOME CHOCOLATE THUNDER.

WHAT, GIRL?MAKE IT RAIN!

[laughs]YEAH.

OH, YEAH, GIRL.- I TRY TO MAKE IT LAST!

[laughs]

- [mutters]WHAT--

ALL RIGHT, GIRL, MMM.

SHA-PAM! I'MA GET ITRIGHT IN THE BOOTY RIGHT THERE.

UH, AND BOOTY-SWAM!

THAT'S WHAT YOU CALLA BOOTY INVESTMENT.

[laughs]SHA-BLAM!

- BUT YOU REALLY DON'T NEEDTO GIVE 'EM THAT MUCH.

I DON'T THINKTHEY'RE EXPECTING ALL THAT.

- WHOO!

- IT'S KIND OF LIKEFEEDING A SQUIRREL, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THEY WILLCOME BACK TO YOU, SO--

- OH, OH, OH, MY GOSH.SOME OF THIS IS GETTING LOST.

LET'S GET IT RIGHTWHERE IT NEEDS TO BE.

RIGHT IN THERE, BABY. OH, YEAH.- KEEP IT CLASSY.

- HA HA HA!- KEEP IT CLASSY.

- OH, [bleep], SOMEBODYBETTER GET A UMBRELLA,

'CAUSE I CAN'T STOPMAKING IT RAIN.

IT'S LIKE NOAH'S FLOODUP IN HERE.

WHOO, TWO BY TWO, BABY.TWO BY TWO! HA HA!

BABY, YOU DON'T KNOWTHAT I'M THE GENERAL,

'CAUSE IT'S STORMIN' NORMAN.THAT'S WHAT THEY BE CALLING ME.

[Velcro slowly tearing]

AHH.- DAMN.

ANYWAY, LIKE I SAID,WHEN YOU FINISH TRAINING,

WE'LL GET SCOTTY MUSSOUP IN HERE.

THAT [bleep]CAN TRAIN A BOXER.

[laughs]OOH, LORD HAVE MERCY.

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHINGABOUT THIS. [laughs]

- MAKE IT RAIN!

- AAH!- WHAT THE--

- ARE YOU AN IDIOT?

LEON,GET THIS GUY OUTTA HERE.

- ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE!THERE HE IS.

- THERE WHO IS?

- YOU, ON YOUR FEET!- WHAT?

- ON YOUR FEET.- WHAT I DO?

- YOU'RE UNDER ARRESTFOR PHOTOCOPYING MONEY.

- OH, GODDAMN IT!

YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK METO CUT ALL THAT OUT?

I GOT CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROMEUP IN THIS BITCH,

CALLUSES ON THE INSIDEOF MY THUMBS.

- THAT'S DEFINITELY REAL,THOUGH.

- MM, BROTHERS, BROTHERS,BROTHERS,

SEE, WHEN ARE WE GON' THINKOF OURSELVES AS MORE THAN THIS?

[chuckles]

WHAT Y'ALL DOING,Y'ALL ROLLIN'? HUH?

[chuckles]

FLIPPIN'? STOOPIN'?[chuckles]

BOXIN'? MAXIN'?

CHAXIN'?

I USED TO STOOP.OH, YEAH.

I USED TO FLIP, ROLL, YOU KNOW,WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT.

[chuckles]ME AND MY CREW,

WE WOULD GET INTO ACTIVITY,MUCH LIKE YOURSELVES.

YOU SEE, THE PROBLEM WAS,WE WERE ONLY PERPETUATING

THE STEREOTYPE THE SYSTEMALREADY ASSUMES ABOUT US.

MM.YOU SEE, WE NEED TO

STOP FEEDING INTOTHE PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS

THAT WE ARE ALL--

- GREAT JOB, YOU GUYS.YOU REALLY WORK HARD TODAY.

I WISH I COULD PAY YOU MORE,BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

EH--WHO ARE YOU, HUH?WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I-I DON'T KNOW.

AS YOU WERE.

- AS YOU WERE WHAT,SMART GUY?

[cursing in foreign language]

- MM. OH, HO.BROTHERS, BROTHERS, BROTHERS,

LOOK AT YOURSELVES.PANTS HANGIN' OFF YOUR ASS,

LOOKING LIKEA COUPLE OF CLOWNS--

WHICH YOU ARE. OKAY,ENJOY THE BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION.

- GIMME YOUR [bleep] MONEY,BITCH!

- NO! NO!- I SAID,

GIMME YOUR [bleep] MONEY, BITCH!- OH! OH!

- [grunts]- BROTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER.

- SIR, EVERYBODYIN THIS SELF-DEFENSE CLASS

HAS ALREADY PAIDTO PARTICIPATE.

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,YOU CAN SIGN UP ONLINE.

- I'M INTERESTED.- GOOD.

- THAT'S WHY I CAME OVER HERE.I'M INTERESTED.

I'M GON' THINK ABOUT IT.

I'M INTERESTED.- THANK YOU, SIR.

NOW, LADIES, IT'S GON' GETREALLY INTENSE TODAY,

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

I WILL BE GROPINGYOUR BREASTASIES

AS IF YOU WERE BEING ATTACKEDLIKE A REAL ATTACKER.

- BROTHER, BROTHER, MY BROTHER.NOW, I WAS WATCHING YOU.

NOW, YOU OLDER BROTHERSNEED TO BREAK THE STEREOTYPE

AND STOP BEING SO PREACHY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?- MM?

- I'M PREACHY?- MM.

- COME ON.[scoffs]

YOU PREACHY, MAN.PLUS, YOU OLDER THAN ME.

- I'M NINE YEARS OLD.I GOT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S DISEASE.

- S--I'M DONE. I'M DONE.

[CRICKETS]

- OOH NATURES GONNA BE SO GREATONCE WE GET...

- SHOVE NATURE UP YOUR ASS

- YOU BALD COCKSUCKER

- AND BY BALD COCKSUCKER

- I MEAN YOU SUCK BALD COCKS

- STILL AWAKE!

[funk music]

- ♪ GOT A POCKET FULL OF FUNKYWITH A PEPPERMINT TWIST ♪

♪ SHE'S A COOL, SHIFTY MAMABLASTIN' OFF ON THE FLIP ♪

- ♪ IRIDESCENT PORK BELLYGALACTIC SUPER TRAIN ♪

♪ MAMA SISTER PLAYGROUNDWITH A STRAW DADDY CANE ♪

♪ UH-HUH

- ♪ GOTTA GET IT UP - ♪ HEY

- ♪ GOTTA GET IT ON - ♪ UH

- ♪ GOTTA GET IT DOWN - ♪ HEY

- ♪ GOTTA MAKE IT STRONG

- ♪ GOT THAT QUICK DIP CRAYONEARTHQUAKE JET PACK ON A BUN ♪

♪ LOCOMOTIVE SUPERNOVASPANISH HARLEM SUN ♪

- ♪ YEAH

- ♪ SLICK CRAWFISH SOLAR BLASTWITH A PHOSPHORESCENT BRAIN ♪

- ♪ WHO'S THAT MAMA SQUAT TOWN?DEEP FRIED DETROIT SODA TRAIN ♪

- ♪ GOTTA SHAKE IT UP

♪ GOTTA MOVE IT IN

♪ GOTTA PUT IT DOWN

- ♪ YOU GOTTA MAKE IT SWIM

- ♪ NEBULATIC COMETSSANITATION DISEASE ♪

- ♪ QUICK PLAY TORNADORIP AND TICKLE BEEF SNEEZE ♪

- ♪ HEY

- ♪ SHIPS PLANETS JUSTICECANNONS, CABLES, AND TREES ♪

- ♪ DOCTOR'S OFFICE PENGUINSHILLINGS, RAILROADS, AND PEAS ♪

- ♪ I SAID CRIPPLED DONKEYMEL BROOKS BOOK TRAIN ♪

♪ BATS ON MY KNEES

- ♪ PENICILLIN TRAPDOORLASER CURRENCY BEANS ♪

- ♪ HE SAY PENICILLIN TRAPDOORLASER CURRENCY BEANS ♪

- HEY, WHAT THE HELLARE WE SAYING, MAN?

- I GOT NO IDEA, MAN.I'M JUST HUNGRY

AND TALKINGABOUT THE GALAXY AND TRASH.

I THINK THEY BUYING IT,THOUGH.

[song ends]

[cheers and applause]

- TACKLE AND GRAPPLE--NO?- TACKLE AND GRAP!