Tackle & Grapple

  • Season 3, Ep 9
  • 11/13/2013

Meegan gets Andre in trouble, and sensei Doug Duggart teaches self-defense for the ladies.

- [sighs]- [clears throat]

- CAN YOU TOTALLY CHILL OUT?- NO, I'M SO ANNOYED RIGHT NOW.

CAN YOU, LIKE, NOT TALK TO MEFOR, LIKE, A SECOND?

LIKE, THAT'D BE GREAT.THAT'D BE FINE.

THAT'D BE FINE BY ME.

WHAT?OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

THIS IS BULL[bleep].WHAT COULD POSSIBLY

BE THE PROBLEM WITH LETTINGTWO MORE PEOPLE IN?

- CHECK YOUR GIRL, BRO.

- I'M SORRY.- EXCUSE ME, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

"CHECK YOUR GIRL"? UH-UHH,IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

NO ONE CHECKS MEBECAUSE I'M NOT LUGGAGE.

OKAY? SO YOU CAN GO[bleep] YOURSEE-ELF.

- MEEGAN, SERIOUSLY,

TWO MORE PEOPLE ARE GONNACOME OUT IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS,

AND THEN WE CAN GO IN.

- NO!LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

WHAT WAS IT LIKEBEING IN THE GREEN MILE?

- HE WASN'T IN THE GREEN MILE!

HE CLEARLY WASN'TIN THAT MOVIE.

- WHAT DOES TOM HANKS'S PENISFEEL LIKE?

- MEEGAN!- MOREOVER, HOW DOES IT FEEL

WHEN SWARMS OF BEESARE COMING OUT OF YOUR FACE?

- SERIOUSLY, I'M SORRY.IT'S, LIKE, HER FAVORITE MOVIE.

- DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR ME!

YEAH, THIS IS NICE,THIS IS NICE.

YOU LOOK LIKE COMMON MEETSTHE INCREDIBLE HULK.

- MEEGAN--- WHEN YOU BROUGHT

THE FRANKINCENSE TO BABY JESUS,DID THEY, LIKE...

- OH.- MAKE YOU STAND

OUTSIDE THE BARNBECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BIG,

OR DID THEY INVITE YOU INWITH ALL THE OTHER ANIMALS?

DON'T FLARE YOUR NOSTRILSAT ME,

OKAY?- HE'S--

- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAHOW IMPOLITE THAT IS?

- HE HASN'T MOVED HIS NOSTRILSONCE SINCE WE GOT HERE.

- I SAW THEM MOVE!- THEY DID NOT MOVE, MEEGAN.

- THEY FLARED!

- MEEGAN, THEY [bleep]DID NOT MOVE!

- YOUR NOSTRILS FLARED MORE THANA SURVIVOR FROM A BOAT ACCIDENT.

- WHAT?

- HE'S NOT EVEN LOOKING MEIN THE EYES.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO CONTINUETO BE A LITTLE PRICK,

YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR ASSKICKED.

- DON'T TOUCH HIM, MEE--MEEGAN.

- [scoffs]CRAZY BITCH.

- [gasps]

[squeaks]

- [sighs]

OH!

- I TOTALLY LOVE MY NAILSRIGHT NOW.

I'M SO OVER EVERYTHINGRIGHT NOW,

OVER THE FLOOR,I'M OVER THE SKY, I'M OVER YOU,

OVER THAT PUSSY BACK THERE.

YOU'RE A PUSSY!

- MEEGAN, SERIOUSLY.- WHATEVER.

- [makes kissing sounds]

- NICE LEGS, LITTLE LADY.[laughter]

- UM, EXCUSE ME?

- OH, GOD!

- HEY, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WHAT THE [bleep]DID YOU JUST SAY?

YOU GUYS COME BACK HERE WITHYOUR LITTLE ITTY-BITTY DICKS.

- YOU BEST CONTROL YOUR LADY.

- YUP.- [gasps] EXCUSE--

"CONTROL YOUR LADY"?NO, HE DOESN'T CONTROL ME,

'CAUSE LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING, I'M NOT A REMOTE.

- MEEGAN, BABY,CAN WE JUST LET THIS GO?

- NO, I'M TALKING TO THE PUSSIESOF ANARCHY RIGHT NOW.

- OH, BOY.- YEAH, YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU ALLGATHER YOURSELVES,

AND WHY DON'T YOU JUST GOAND FIGURE OUT A WAY

TO [bleep] ON EACH OTHER'SLEATHERY PENI.

- HEY, [bleep] YOU, BITCH!- [gasps]

- OH, NO.- [squeaks]

- [sighs]

IT'S NOT EVEN THE PLURALOF "PENIS."

[punching thud]- YEAH!

[thugs laughing]

- I'M THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!

YES!I FEEL INVINCIBLE!

LIKE I HAVE SUPER POWERSOR SOMETHING. HA HA!

YOU HEAR THAT,ALL YOU [bleep] OF THE WORLD?

I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT,AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME.

- BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TOFIGHT YOUR OWN FIGHTS,

YOU CRAZY BITCH!- [gasps]

- OH, BOY.- [squeaks]

- OH, NO.

- [squeaks]

- [sighs]

UGH! OH.

- NOTHING CAN STOP ME!

- ACTION.

- HEY, HAVE YOU EVERFOUND YOURSELF

IN HIGH POINT, NORTH CAROLINA,AND NOT FEELING SAFE?

COME ON DOWN TO DOUG DUGGART'SBRAZILIAN JIU JITSU.

YOU WILL LEARNTO TACKLE AND GRAPPLE,

[gong rings]AND--

[gong echoing]

LIKE A ULTIMATE FIGHTING PRO.

AT MY STUDIO, YOU GETHANDS-ON TRAINING,

[both grunting]

AND INDIVIDUAL ATTENTION.

SO HUT! HUT![grunting]

TACKLE AND GRAPPLE.

TAKE ON MULTIPLE ENEMIES.

THIS IS A TACKLE.THAT'S A GRAPPLE.

THIS IS A TACKLE.

THAT'S A GRAPPLE.

GET--THERE WE GO.

[grunts]

TACKLE AND GRAPPLE!

ALL AGES, LEARN TO PROTECTYOURSELF AND YOUR LOVED ONES.

THERE ARE MANYDIFFERENT LEVELS.

THERE'S THE BEGINNER LEVEL,

AND IF YOU PASS MY PRIVATEONE-ON-ONE SENSEI TRIAL,

YOU MAY MAKE ITINTO THE ADVANCED CLASS.

TACKLE AND GRAPPLE!

DOUG DUGGART'SBRAZILIAN JIU JITSU

AT THE HIGH POINT MINI MALL.JUST EAST OF THE PIZZA BARN

TWO DOORS DOWN FROM CARL'SDISCOUNT WHEELS AND FURNITURE.

SO--QUICK TACKLE!GET DOWN. [grunts]

[muttering]

[all grunting]

NO, STAY--STAY AWAY.

SPECIAL DISCOUNTSFOR COLLEGE STUDENTS.

S--MM, MOVE IT.GET YOUR LEG BACK.

[gong rings]

PUT YOUR LEG BACK THERE.[gong echoing]

[funk music]

- ♪ GOT A POCKET FULL OF FUNKYWITH A PEPPERMINT TWIST ♪

♪ SHE'S A COOL, SHIFTY MAMABLASTIN' OFF ON THE FLIP ♪

- ♪ IRIDESCENT PORK BELLYGALACTIC SUPER TRAIN ♪

♪ MAMA SISTER PLAYGROUNDWITH A STRAW DADDY CANE ♪

♪ UH-HUH

- ♪ GOTTA GET IT UP - ♪ HEY

- ♪ GOTTA GET IT ON - ♪ UH

- ♪ GOTTA GET IT DOWN - ♪ HEY

- ♪ GOTTA MAKE IT STRONG

- ♪ GOT THAT QUICK DIP CRAYONEARTHQUAKE JET PACK ON A BUN ♪

♪ LOCOMOTIVE SUPERNOVASPANISH HARLEM SUN ♪

- ♪ YEAH

- ♪ SLICK CRAWFISH SOLAR BLASTWITH A PHOSPHORESCENT BRAIN ♪

- ♪ WHO'S THAT MAMA SQUAT TOWN?DEEP FRIED DETROIT SODA TRAIN ♪

- ♪ GOTTA SHAKE IT UP

♪ GOTTA MOVE IT IN

♪ GOTTA PUT IT DOWN

- ♪ YOU GOTTA MAKE IT SWIM

- ♪ NEBULATIC COMETSSANITATION DISEASE ♪

- ♪ QUICK PLAY TORNADORIP AND TICKLE BEEF SNEEZE ♪

- ♪ HEY

- ♪ SHIPS PLANETS JUSTICECANNONS, CABLES, AND TREES ♪

- ♪ DOCTOR'S OFFICE PENGUINSHILLINGS, RAILROADS, AND PEAS ♪

- ♪ I SAID CRIPPLED DONKEYMEL BROOKS BOOK TRAIN ♪

♪ BATS ON MY KNEES

- ♪ PENICILLIN TRAPDOORLASER CURRENCY BEANS ♪

- ♪ HE SAY PENICILLIN TRAPDOORLASER CURRENCY BEANS ♪

- HEY, WHAT THE HELLARE WE SAYING, MAN?

- I GOT NO IDEA, MAN.I'M JUST HUNGRY

AND TALKINGABOUT THE GALAXY AND TRASH.

I THINK THEY BUYING IT,THOUGH.

[song ends]

[cheers and applause]

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