Monday, November 11, 2013

  • 11/11/2013

John Hodgman, Grace Helbig and Kurt Braunohler question someone who still uses Myspace and guess whether tweets are hashtagged #stoned, #drunk or #pregnant.

>> DI!

IT'S A FREE FOR ALL.

TAKE WHATEVER NAME YOU WANT.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

MAKES ME SO HAPPY IN WEEK FOUR

PLEEM PROOEM APPLAUDING THE

SEGMENTS.

THE FIRST COUPLE OF WEEKS IT

WAS, "OKAY, I GUESS THEY'RE

DOING THAT NOW."

IT'S NICE YOU'RE INVOLVED.

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS.

PROFESSIONAL RACIST AND

OCCASIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER,

RICHIE INCOGNITO, IS CLAIMING

THAT ONE OF HISS ALLEGED THREAD

TO MARTIN WAS A REFERENCE TO

TO AN ADORABLE DOG MEME.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING DOG MEMES

DOES INCOGNITO CLAIM HE IS

REFERENCING?

A, "WAKE?

EITHER WAY, WE PLAY OR YOU DIE."

B, "I CUT A BITCH IF SHE CROSS

ME."

C, "I WILL MURDER YOUR WHOLE

( BLEEP ) FAMILY.

( LAUGHTER )

YES, KURT.

>> IT'S C.

>> YES, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS C!

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS C.

( APPLAUSE )

DO YOU BELIEVE RICHIE RICHIE

INCOGNITO'S STORY THAT HE WAS

JUST REFERENCING A MEME?

>> ON THE INTERNET THAT'S THE

NICEST THING YOU CAN SAY.

THAT'S HOW I GREETED YOU WHEN I

CAME IN TODAY AND WE LOVE EACH

OTHER.

>> YES, YES, YES, THANK YOU FOR

DAELG TALE ME YOU WERE GOING TO

MURDER MY WHOLE ( BLEEP )

FAMILY.

>> EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S A JOKE.

YOU DON'T HAVE A FAMILY.

YOU'RE ALONE IN THE WORLD.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU'RE

SAYING.

I'M HYPNOTIZED BY THE CURLICUES

ON YOUR MUSTACHE RIGHT NOW.

>> EACH SIDE HAS ITS OWN ARTISAN

PICKLE FACTORY.

MOVING ON, MOVING ON.

ON LAST NIGHT'S EUROPEAN MUSIC

AWARDS IN AMSTERDAM, DURING HER

ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, MILEY CYRUS

CITY WHERE THAT'S LEGAL!

>> I COULDN'T FIT THIS AWARD IN

MY BAG.

BUT I DID FIND THIS.

SO THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.

>> THAT'S SO EDGY.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S AT A

GREEN SCREEN CONVENTION.

( LAUGHTER )

>> AND SHE IS ALONE IN HER

BEDROOM?

( APPLAUSE ).

>> SOME OF THE FINEST GREEN

SCREEN TECHNOLOGY.

WHAT DID SHE TWEET ABOUT IT THE

FOLLOWING MORNING?

A, SOMETIMES IN LIFE, YOU JUST

GOTTA DECIDE NOT TO GIVE A

( BLEEP ).

WHICH IS WHAT I THINK AF STANDS

FOR.

>> THAT'S WHY SHE'S SMOKING

WEED!

B, STILL HIGH AS ( BLEEP ).

THIS "FAMILY GUY" EPISODE IS FAF

LOL.

C, IMA B ME, ALL Y'ALL H8Z CAN

S AND D.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

WHAT DID SHE TWEET?

YES, HODGMAN?

>> I AM GOING TO SAY SOMETIMES

IN LIFE YOU HAVE TO DECIDE JUST

NOT TO GIVE A ( BLEEP ).

>> YES!

>> WHICH HODGMAN SAYS IT, IT

DISW SOUND LIKE A PROFESSOR

READING A BOOK.

>> IT DOES!

IT SEEMS THAT MILEY HAS ZERO

( BLEEP ) LEFT TO GIVE.

>> WELCOME TO MY SEMINAR.

>> IT WAS THE BEST OF ( BLEEP ).

IT WAS THE WORST OF ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER )

WILL KNOW WHO SHE REALLY IS.

IT IS TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

WAR!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

TODAY IS VETERANS DAY.

IF YOU ARE A VRN, THANK YOU FOR

SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY.

BUT THAT ALSO--

( APPLAUSE ).

>> YES, YES.

THAT ALSO MEANS BESIDES THANKING

AND HONORING VETERANS WE WATCHED

ACTION MOVIE MARATHONS ON TV ALL

DAY.

WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #SUCKYACTIONMOVIES.

EXAMPLES OF THESE MIGHT BE DIE

SOFT.

OR HOBO COP.

OR TOYOTATHON MAN.

YOU GUYS CAN PLAY ALONG AT HOME

BY TWEETING YOUR

#SUCKYACTIONMOVIES TO THE

"@MIDNIGHT" TWITTER ACCOUNT.

KURT.

>> IRONING MAN.

>> POINT, POINTS.

>> THE FLIRT LOCKER!

( LAUGHTER ).

>> POINTS!

YES, COUNTER.

>> THE SQUIRT LOCKER.

>> THAT'SSUCKY AND DISTURBING.

POINTS.

YES, HODGMAN.

>> LEE CHILD'S CRANK TWO HIGH

VOLTAGE.

>> POINT, POINTS KURT.

>> THE PERMNATOR.

>> GRACE.

E ROBOT.>> OH, GOOD-BYE ROBOT.BY

>> IT'S A BISEXUAL ROBOT.

>> I CANNOT DECIDE I LIKE AC AND

DC.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ).

>> PLANET OF THE GRAPES.

>> PLANET OF THE GRAPES WOULD BE

A REALLY SUCKY ACTION MOVIE.

♪ IT WAS EARTH ALL ALONG ♪ ♪.

>> ALIEN DEFENDS PREDATOR.

>> VERY SWEET.

MAYBE NOT SO SUCKY.

GRACE, LAST ONE.

>> JAW!

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

WELL DONE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS OLIVER.

>> THE CHILD HAS DONE WELL!

THE CHILD HAS DONE WELL!

>> WHO'S GOT HALF A BRAIN NOW

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME IT'S

TIME FOR STONED, DRUNK, OR

PREGNANT.

I'M GOING TO READ A TWEET WITH A

HASHTAG.

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TO TELL

ME IF THE HASHTAG IS #STONED,

#DRUNK, OR #PREGNANT.

I ACCIDENTALLY JUST TOOK MY

SHIRT OFF AND THREW IT AWAY.

YES, KURT.

>> PREGNANT.

PREGNANT, PREGNANT, PREGNANT.

>> THE ANSWER IS STONED, STONED.

SO NO POINTS.

>> THAT'S FINE.

THE JOKE TO ME WAS WORTH IT.

>> PREGNANT IS LIKE BEING BABY

STONED, RIGHT?

>> I SAID IT WAS JUST LIKE CHECK

OUT MY BELLY!

I DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE!

( BLEEP ) BORED.

I'M ABOUT TO GET WASTED.

GRACE.

>> PREGNANT, DRUNK PREGNANT.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ).

>> ARE YOU GOING WITH DRUNK OR

PREGNANT GIKNOW, I'M GOING TO GO

WITH THE CLASSY PREGNANT.

>> YES, FORTUNATELY, THAT'S

PREGNANT, GETTING WASTED.

WELL DONE.

>> WHAT!

IT'S TEEN MOM AMBER, RIGHT,

MAYBE?

>> A WHOLE NEW KIND OF AMBER

ALERT.

( LAUGHTER )

DON'T LET THAT WOMAN DRINK WITH

A BABY IN HER BODY.

>> THERE WAS ALREADY AN AMBER

VAN DORN.

THAT MEANS SHE WAS BLOCKEDDED

AND HAD TO MAKE A NEW ONE.

>> NO, NO, NO, SHE GOT REALLY

PREGNANT ONE NIGHT AND DELETED

HER FIRST ACCOUNT.

( APPLAUSE )

I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS NEXT ONE

MINES MOOENS BUT I'M DELIGHTED

BY IT.

JUST AN EMOTIONAL ASS MOMENT.

LET THAT SOAK IN.

YES, KURT.

>> STOAPPED.

>> NO, THAT IS DRUNK.

>> ARE YOU JOKING!

>> VERY EMOTIONAL--

>> LIKE, I JUST HAD AN EMOTIONAL

ASS MOMENT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> IS THAT A UTERUS, OR IS THAT

A BIRD WITH GIANT BALLS?

>> YES, I THINK--

ALL RIGHT!

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU

THIS FLYING DRESS THAT LADY GAGA

WORE BECAUSE SHE'S BASICALLY A

PUPPY AND NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION

AT ALL TIMES OR SHE WILL PEA ON

THE CARPET.

THIS DRESS IS CALLED THE

VALENTIS.

COMEDIANS WHAT, IS YOUR URBAN

DICTIONARY DEFINITION OF

VOLANTIS.

>> MY WET DREAM OF AMERICA'S

ONLY GAY AIR TRAFFIC

CONTROLLERS.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

THERE'S ONLY ONE.

>> JOHN HODGMAN.

>> WHAT OBAMA DOESN'T WANT YOU

TO KNOW ABOUT THE SECRET DRONE

PROGRAM.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

>> KURT BRAUNOHLER.

>> NOW DA VINCI STATUS

NIGHTMARE.

>> I'M GOING TO GIVE 1,000 TO

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

>> ALL RIGHT YOU GUYS IT IS TIME

FOR OUR FINAL SPEED GAME.

IT'S ANYONE'S GAME AT THIS

POINT.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY ASK ME

ANYTHING.

>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED TODAY THERE

WERE MASSIVE LAYOFFS AT MYSPACE.

REMEMBER THE BEGINNING OF THE

SHOW.

THE BIGGER NEWS IS MYSPACE IS

STILL AROUND.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW

THAT.

MYSPACE IS DESPERATE TO RECOVER

ANY KIND OF RELEVANCE SO, COMED

WRANS, I AM STILL A MYSPACE

USER.

ASK ME ANYTHING.

I AM STILL A MYSPACE USER, ASK

ME ANYTHING.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

KURT.

>> IS THIS TOM?

( LAUGHTER )

>> HE'S SO FRIGGING WEALTHY.

POINTS, YES.

KURT.

>> CAN I GET MYSPACE ON MY

BEEPER?

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ).

>> A FAIR QUESTION, POINTS.

GRACE?

>> HOW TALL IS TEALA TEQUILA?

>> POINTS, POINTS.

KURT.

>> WHAT'S IT LIKE DATING

UNDERAGED GIRLS?

>> I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT BUT

I'LL ALLOW IT.

POINTS.

HODGMAN.

>> IF YOU ARE BEING HELD

HOSTAGE, TYPE LINK TWICE.

>> POINTS, POINTS.

GRACE.

>> WHY DID YOU STOP AT ONLY TWO

LIP RINGS?

>> POINTS.

A FAIR QUESTION.

KURT.

>> DON'T TATE ME, BRO.

J.K., YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T HEARD

OF THAT YET.

>> POINT.

>> WHOSE SPACE!

WHOSE SPACE?

>> NO, I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU

POINT FOR THAT.

TAKE THOSE POINTS AWAY.

GRACE.

>> HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING MY

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