The One With the Hypnotic Herpes

  • Season 3, Ep 4
  • 10/18/2016

Jonah and Kumail figure out what their porn names would be, and Solomon Georgio, Al Jackson and Jen Kirkman perform.

- So your porn would beRay...what is it?

- What is--what is the pornname?

It's your middle name and--

- The street you grew up on?

- Or no, it was first pet?

- The pet and the street yougrew up on.

- And these are hard and fastrules.

- Oh...- Yeah.

- So it's pet and street yougrew up on.

What's your first pet?

- My first pet. Buddy. Buddy.

- And what would your name bethen?

- Buddy Kuuleialoha.


- I want to fuck that guy.

- Yeah, he's pretty exotic.

That's a good porn name.

- Yeah, his special sex move issnuggling.

- Yeah.

- My porn name would be MonoClifton.


- Mono?

- That was the name of my cat.

- Mono?

- It means different thing inPakistan.

It means, one, you must notkiss.


- And he got arrested when hewas 17,

'cause he--he Amy Fisheredsomeone.

He pistol-whipped them, and thegun went off.

- Ooh.- Amy Fisher? What?

- Oh, the gun went off?- That's what Amy Fisher did.

She pistol-whipped somebody, andthe gun went off.

And that's--well, because mybrother did that same thing

to another person, so therefore,I know...

- Here's the dumb--did he get introuble?

- He went to jail.He's--he got deported.

- Yeah, that's trouble.- He's--yeah.

- He got--I didn't know he gotdeported.

- No, he got 12 years in prisonand deported back to Ethiopia.

- Yo, he had to go to prison andthen go back to Africa?

- Wait, that's why when Kumailwas not a citizen, anytime we

would do anything illegal, Iwould always be like,

"I'm taking every--give me allthe things.

I'll take all the things."

If anything went down, I'm nothaving him get deported.

I'm--I can stay here for therest of my life.

I'm fine, and now he's acitizen, but it's, like,

I had never thought about it.

- Now he can get in trouble forhis own goddamn shit.

- I had never thought about it.

- Every time Kumail waspistol-whipping somebody,

you were like...

- You were like, "Kumail, justwait till you're a citizen."

- Then you can do anything.- "But if you do it, I got you."

- That--but that could go--youcould do all kinds of weird

names, though, if you were todo, like, it's, like, so--

- Like, if--there should be,like, lawyer name.

- Like, what would your lawyername be?

- That would be, like, yourmiddle-school nemesis

and the first car you buy.


- Mine would be, uh, he was aSamoan fella, so his--

my lawyer name would be TupuSubaru.


Hi, I'm Tupu Subaru.

Have you been in an accident?

[laughter]What would yours be?

- Waleed Spectra.

- Nice.

- Yeah, Waleed Spectra.- Yeah.

- I just got a little angrythinking about Waleed, so...


Fashion designer name would be,like,

the person you lost yourvirginity to

and the first city you moved to

after moving away from yourparents.

- Mine is perfect.

Monica Santa Monica.

[laughter and applause]

- How many straight--are therestraight men in this room?

Come on. Show that side ofconfidence that you have.

There we are. Here you are.Here you are.

There you go. There you go.There you are. There you are.

You guys like to do this thingwhere you ask each other's

hypothetical question.

Some of you are already familiarwith it.

That hypothetical question is,

"How much would you suck adick for?"


Have you ever answered thatquestion before, sir?

Quit laughing.


Have you ever been asked thatquestion?

- Oh, yeah.

- What was your answer?


- $5,000.

- Have you ever sucked a dickbefore?

The hell makes you think you cancharge $5,000

for a shitty-ass blow job?


You ain't that cute.



For a reluctant, passionless,

amateur blow job.

Sorry, sir.I don't see it.


All right, imagine we're at agay bar, okay?

And I'm just minding my ownbusiness, and you come up to me,

and you're like, "$5,000 for ablow job."

Say it.

- $5,000 for a blow job.

- Well, okay, um, the gentlemanright behind you

will do it for a mojito.


What makes you think you cancharge $5,000?

And for--also, for just a blowjob?

Get the hell out of here.

Do you know the market value ofeven a good blow job?

Look, if I spend $5,000, you'renever gonna walk again.


- I'm here to tell you about adream I had,

which I know is the most boringthing ever,

and this is how we're gonna getthrough it.

It was--it was so real that Ibelieve it was real.

And when I tell you the story,you are not allowed to listen

knowing it's a dream.

You have to listen as though I'mtelling you a thing

that really happened to me.

I am in a building.

I don't know what building itis.

It looks like a building I'vebeen in before,

but it's a little different.

I don't know what city it is.It doesn't matter.

I took a giant elevator.

I've been in this elevatorbefore.

Oh, it looks like an elevatorthat I took when I was in

Australia at this theater.

Oh, I recognize that, and then Igo into a downstairs part,

and I go, I don't recognizethis.

And I'm sitting there, and I'mat some kind of comedy festival

it would seem, and Prince isbackstage, and he's just

sitting there, and there's abunch of, like, comedy boys

around, and I don't know theseguys either.

And I'm thinking, "He probablyassumes, like, Dave

Chappelle's gonna be here,"like, I can--and, you know,

you all know Prince.

He probably saw a sign that said"comedy," and he's like,

"I bet my friends are there,"and then, like,

he sees people that look like--you know, like,

"Meltdown" people, and he wasjust probably sitting there

confused, and so I came in, andhe just looked at me,

and he turned, and he smiledlike this, and he goes,

"What's a podcast?"


Now, in this true story thatabsolutely happened,

I don't remember what I said,but it was sort of a combination

of something that explained apodcast and completely

dismissed a podcast.

And it might him laugh,and he went...



And he said, "What's your name?"And I said, "Jen Kirkman."

And he said, "Jen Kirkman,you're fun."

And then I just sat there, andthen he said,

"I'll be right back.

These guys asked me to do apodcast."

And so that's why he was asking.

And so he came back in the room,and he said,

"I told the guys I don't want todo their podcast,

that Jen Kirkman should do theirpodcast."

And they said they don't wantJen Kirkman to do their podcast,

so I'm gonna go do theirpodcast, but you're gonna

come with me, Jen Kirkman.

And he grabbed my hand, and wewent into the theater

where the three dudes wereonstage hosting a podcast,

and I walk in holding Prince'shand.

And he sits me in the front rowlike a prince does

to his princess, and then hegets up,

and he starts fucking with theseguys

who did not want to interview mebut want to interview him.

So every question they ask him,they'd be like,

"Prince, what do you think ofthis?"

And then he would turn and lookat me in the front row and go,

"I only care what Jen Kirkmanthinks about that."

And then he'd keep looking atme.


And he'd look back, and they'dgo, "Uh, well,

what do you think of this?"

And he'd go, "I only care whatJen Kirkman thinks of that."


And then--"Last question.

"Prince, if you could meet God,what would you ask him?"

And he said, "I'd ask him why henever put Jen Kirkman

in front of me before."

And the audience gasps, and thenhe grabbed my hand,

and he whispered to me,"It's on, you and me forever."


And we went--oh, we wentbackstage, made out,

and then he said to me, "I'm soin love with you,"

and I said, "Me too," and hesaid, "Would you give up

everyone in your life for me?"

And I said, "Yeah," and it wasvery easy to do,

and he was like, "Your parents,your friends,"

and I was like, "Fuck 'emall.

I hate these people."

And, like, I don't even care ifhe turns out to be

a fucking nightmare.

By the way, in real life at thispoint, he's dead,

but I'm like, "I don't care ifthis doesn't make sense,"

and so he said, "You're comingto Paisley Park."

I said, "Of course I am."

And so then I woke up the nextmorning,

and I hadn't opened my eyes yet,and I was like,

"Here I am in Paisley Park.

"This is gonna be amazing once Iopen my eyes in my new life,"

and I opened my eyes, and I wasjust in my room, and I was like,

"What the fuck?No!

No. No," and I start sobbing,

and I canceled--I had meetingsthat day.

I had things to do that day.

I canceled everything, and Ilaid in bed and cried,

not 'cause he died.

I was already over that.

Because it wasn't to be that Icould

give up my life for Prince.

I mean, I was like, "This lifesucks.

"What is this, an apartment?

"Oh, God.

"What this phone full of phonenumbers of people

"that care about me?

Oh, fuck them."


And I realized that I'm right tohave depression and anxiety.

My life is awful compared tothat dream.

There is nothing good aboutwaking up every day.

It is a disaster.

The only reason I don't killmyself

is 'cause I'm afraid of death.

Do you understand?

And so I wanted to have thatdream again, and I couldn't.

And then I read somethingonline.

Prince doesn't believe in timeor space.

And I was like, "That'sinteresting," and then

someone tweeted me, "Did youknow that the week before

you performed at the MelbourneArts Centre, Prince was there?

There's only one elevator to thegreen room.

He was in it the week before.

He doesn't believe in time andspace.

His energy was still in theelevator.

Mine got in.We're in some--

you see, the dream reallyhappened.

[laughter and applause]

Thank you guys so much.