Monday, November 28, 2016

  • 11/28/2016

Pete Holmes, Hari Kondabolu and Joe DeRosa issue Canadian Black Friday announcements, guess the hero of Chuck Tingle's latest erotic novel and list #OneWordOffVideoGames.

It is Cyber Monday,the online shopping day

where you can throw awayall the money you saved

at the stores on Black Friday!

And congratulations, by the way,to those of you who survived

Black Friday, that capitalistspectacle where shoppers

from all walks of life cometogether to spread holiday cheer

and punch their fellow manin the (bleep) face

for a kid's toy.

Like these thrifty customers.

-Ready?-Yeah. -MAN: Yeah.

-No!-(overlapping shouting)

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!-(indistinct shouting)

(sighing):Oh!

Wow. Look at those savings.

His life is half off!

(laughter)

-These... these... sons...-(applause)

Hey, no. Stop it, Pete. Stop it.

-Uh... these...-(laughter)

These poor S.O.B.strampling one another

like spooked buffaloto get a deal on

electronic Panini makers.

This is an American tradition,you guys.

But what about our neighborsto the north?

Check out this video postedby Suzette Belliveau.

This is how they do Black Fridayin Canada.

-Oh, God!-(laughter)

-Aah!-(applause and cheering)

-Oh!-(whooping)

HARDWICK (laughing):Those...

See, these polite consumers--they may not have died

in a mall, but they will meettheir end years later

being gored by a moosewhile drinking Labatts

over an ice fishing hole,

-or, as Canadians call that,natural causes. -(laughter)

So, comedians, what are someannouncements

you would you hear over the P.A.at Canadian Black Friday?

-Peter Holmes.-Hi, Chris.

Hi, Peter.

How about, "Attention Canadians.

"If you're out of cash,don't worry.

"We also accept check,credit card, firm handshakes,

-eye contact and tickles."?-(laughter, applause & cheering)

HARDWICK: All right, yeah.Points. Points.

Very nice.

Joe DeRosa.

Canadians, let us all enjoythis peace while it lasts,

because America will be attacking us very soon,

because President Trump

has a tiny, tiny,tiny, tiny penis.

(applause and cheering)

HARDWICK:Points.

(with Canadian accent):Also, clean up on Aisle A.

-Uh...-(laughter)

-Come on, you guys.It was right there. -Yeah.

How would I not?

I'm never gonna be welcomed backin Canada again. Hari.

Attention, Canadians--$50 healthcare.

You sign up for healthcare,we give you $50.

Next up,Single And Ready To Tingle.

Before we went on break,we took a deep dive

into the world of Amazonself-publishing phenomenon,

Chuck Tingle, the authorof erotic fantasy micro novels

with titles like... Unicorn Butt Cops-- Beach Patrol,

and... Gay T-Rex Law Firm-- Executive Boner.

(laughter)

I don't knowwhat this one thinks

he's accomplishing back here,but it's not much.

-Uh... -HOLMES (laughs): Executive Boner?

You can read that if you want.You can read that.

-Oh, it's a book?-It's a book.

-I'm out.-It's a... That was it.

So, at the end of our segment,we challenged Mr. Tingle

to write a Tinglerwith a specific main character,

and he did it within 12 hoursof this broadcast,

before we went to break.

Who is the heroof the new odyssey?

A) Grumpy Catwith a thick ol' dong;

B) A werewolfwith a talking British butthole;

or me Chris Hardwick?Who was it?

-Joe. -I'm gonna say Grumpy Catwith a thick ol' dong,

'cause if loving grumpy catswith dongs is wrong,

I don't wanna be right!

-(cheering, applause)-Well...

No, the correct answer was me.

Uh, that's Hard for Hardwick-- Pounded in the Butt

by the Physical Manifestation

of My Own Handsome Late Night Comedy Show.

-(whooping, applause)-This is, uh...

So, uh, it's 18 pages,

and I do... I do get...I do get butt (bleep)

by the show who is manifested

by a guy named Matt Idnite.

Uh, and he... he pounds my butt.

And I got to really give itto Chuck Tingle

and thank all the @midnight fanswho took up this cause

and harassed him to get himto write about this, and he did.

And I'm greatly appreciative.

What a wonderfulThanksgiving treat that was.

-(laughter, whooping, applause)-This is... this...

By the way...

it is for sale on Amazonright now,

and it is the best $2.99you will spend all year.

Hey, what did you guys doover Thanksgiving?

-(laughter)-That's what Chuck did.

I bet this guy makesa good stuffing.

-Hey!-(cheering, applause)

(singing "Rule, Britannia!")

it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

I'm a big Final Fantasy fan.

I've been playing Final Fantasy Brave Exvius on iOS,

uh, for months now.

Because tomorrow, getting ready,uh, Final Fantasy comes out.

-Final Fantasy XV. -(cheering, applause)

The... latest installment

in the iconic video game seriesall about saving the planet

as a late-'90s Drew Barrymore,as closely as I can tell.

(laughter)

So in honorof this new final adventure,

tonight's hashtag is#OneWordOffVideoGames.

Examples might be--Super Menendez Bros.,

and BioShocker.

Uh, let's put 60 secondson the clock, and begin!

-Joe.-Skyrim Job.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Pete Holmes.-Human Centipede.

Points! Yes. Hari.

-Uh, Hugh Pac-Man.-Yes, points.

-Joe.-Call of Duty: Black Guys.

Yeah, points.

-Hari.-Halo Kitty.

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

Points.

(cheering, whooping)

-Thank you.-Whoo! Whoo!

Joe DeRosa.

Ratchet and skank.

Yes, points.Pete.

Mega mansplain.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

If you don't get it...

HARDWICK:Yeah, see, he's gonna do it now.

Points, good. Hari.

Uh, Omega Three man.

Yes, points.

(yelling):Oh, call up Judge Judy.

(laughter)

HOLMES:Call up Judge Judy.