Wednesday, May 4, 2016

  • 05/04/2016

Tom Lennon, Nikki Glaser and Ron Funches attempt to move to Canada, celebrate #LesserKnownHolidays and lend their voices to household items with hidden faces.

It was a big dayin politics yesterday.

Devil spawn Damien Thorn lostthe Indiana primary, and...

(laughter)

...cleared the wayfor Vigo the Carpathian.

-Uh...-(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

Who, as you may remember,was born

from the river of hate-slimethat flows under New York City.

And then some guy named Kasichdropped out, too.

Who is that guy?I don't recog...

-Do you guys know who that is?I don't know who that is. -No.

Who is that guy? I don't know.

I don't thinkI've ever seen him before.

-Have you guys seen him before?-NIKKI GLASER: No, I don't. -No.

I think he sold me a mattress.

HARDWICK: Doesn't really ringa bell. So (bleep) it.

Let's just put the leprechaunhead on him

-from Leprechaun, anyway, 'causewhy not? -GLASER: Yeah. Oh.

-(laughter,applause and cheering) -Oh.

Poor Kasich. Ted Cruz was like,"I'm out."

And then Kasich was like,"Me, too."

-(laughter)-Uh...

So, Trump is the presumptiveGOP nominee now.

(laughing)

(laughter and groaning)

-No!-TOM LENNON: No, no. Great.

I said so many...

like, the worst things about himon this show.

If he becomes president, I'mgonna get, like, mega audited.

-(laughter)-Oh, my God. I'm gonna...

"When did they startbutt (bleep) with audits?"

"Yeah, that's howwe're doing it now."

-(laughter)-And it's, like, big dildo.

And you get peggedby the IRS now.

LENNON:It's Trump.

-It's not that big a dildo.-(laughter) -HARDWICK: Oh.

-(applause) -Thank God. Some...I know. Thank you.

(applause and cheering)

Anyway, people have beenthreatening

to move to Canada if he wins.

Most recently, Lena Dunham.

-Presumably so she can make Girls, Eh, uh... -(laughter)

(with Canadian accent):...on HBO... I'm sorry.

So, a lot of people planto join her,

so, comedians, just in case

Canadian governmentis watching right now,

tell them why you'd makea great Canuck. Tom Lennon, go!

Canada, you have to take me.

I'm one of the Kids in the Hall.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Yeah, that's right.

-(applause and cheering) -Yeah.Oh, I guess it is. -Huh? Huh?

-GLASER: Sure. Yeah.-Sure. I guess it is.

LENNON: I'm crashing...I'm crashing your head.

-I'm crashing your head.-(laughter)

HARDWICK:Nikki Glaser, go.

Um, I apologize a lot.

Like, I'm-I'm even...I'm sorry. Was that too harsh?

-HARDWICK: Yeah. Yeah.-I'm... Really. I'm sorry.

-This is going long. I'm sorry.-HARDWICK: Yeah, I'm sorry.

I feel like it's Ron's turn now.I'm really sorry. Yeah.

HARDWICK:I'm sorry that you're sorry.

-GLASER: Yeah.-Ron Funches.

I promise notto smoke all your weed.

(laughter)

-(cheers and applause)-HARDWICK: Ron. He's crossing

his fingers!He's crossing his fingers!

It is now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause, whistling)

So... it's officially Thursday,which is Cinco de Mayo,

which commemorates Mexico'svictory over the French

back in 1862.

So now you know what that means:

"Drink, mother(bleep)!"

I mean, that isliterally all we know

about this foreign holidayin America, it seems.

There are plenty other holidaysyou may not know about,

which is why tonight's hashtagis #LesserKnownHolidays.

Examples might be:Bring Your Landlord to Work Day,

and Bird DepressionAwareness Day.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Ronald.-Chaka Khan-ukah.

(laughter)

(applause, cheering, whooping)

Uh, points. Nikki.

Uh, Every Delta Gamma'sBirthday Month, you guys!

-Yeah, points.-(whooping)

Ron.

Martin Luther King Senior Day.

He did a lot of things, too.

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

Tom.

Fat Shaming Tuesday.

-(laughter)-All right. Points.

-Ron. -M*AáS*H Wednesday.

That's when you watch M*AáS*H on Wednesday.

-Yeah, points.-(laughter, applause)

Tom.

Flashlight Savings Time.

(laughter)

(whooping, applause)

Points.

Uh, Nikki.

Your Dog's Birthday,AKA Who Gives a (bleep)?!

-Yeah.-(laughter, applause)

No one cares!

It's not a thing!

It doesn't know!

(laughter)

Goddamn it!

(screams)

All right, points.

GLASER:God! Sorry.

That was the best readon "who gives a (bleep)"

I've ever heard.

Who gives a (bleep)?!

-(laughter)-That was amazing. Ron Funches.

Yakov Smirnoff Day.

That's when holiday does you.

-All right, points.-(laughter, cheering, applause)

Tom Lennon.

Pearl Necklace Day.

-Yeah.-(laughter)

I got...Nikki laughed really hard.

-Yeah.-That was awesome.

-Nikki.-Uh, Lance Bassover.

(laughter)

Pareidolia isthe subconscious illusion

that makes you see facesin regular objects,

like this depressedlittle keyboard key. Aw...

-Aw... -He's sad becauseyou keep looking at porn.

(laughter)

People love postingthese kinds of pics online,

and thankfully,the Twitter account, FacesPics,

has rounded upthe best of the best.

So, comedians,I'm gonna show you an object

with a hidden face,and for 250 points,

I want you to tell mewhat that thing is saying.

First up,these boxes are up to no good.

(laughter)

Ron.

Bitch, we ain't fragile!

-All right. Points.-(laughter, shouting, applause)

Nikki.

"Ugh, I'm Mary Kate.""No, I'm Mary Kate!"

-(laughter, applause)-Points.

Tom.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect youto fill me with legal pads.

-(laughter)-Points.

(applause, cheering)

Next up,this very sad candy bar.

(laughter, aw'ing)

-Ron.-What happened to us, Ron?

You used to love me.

(laughter)

(applause)

Points. Uh...

I'm dating a banana nowand he likes to do butt stuff.

I'm dating oatmealand he's boring as (bleep).

HARDWICK:Yeah.

Tom.

Aah! My nuts are up in my face!

Points.Poi... Yup.

(whimpering)

Next up, this shocked toilet.

What's he saying, Nikki?

Whoa! You bigfor a bulimic chick.

HARDWICK:Oh, (bleep).

Last one, this grumpypeanut butter.

Ron.

No daughter of mine is gonna(bleep) around with chocolate.

Now... have you ever

wanted a piece of art

but also wanted something

that touched someone's balls?

Well, you couldgo to Goodwill or...

you could also hire Pricasso,

the Australian artist who paintspictures with his didgeridoo.

There he is,looking like the Mad Hatter

just got done(bleep) Lisa Frank.

How does he do this,you may ask?

Well, wonder no more,curious audience member.

Watch.

(audience exclaiming)

-FUNCHES: They were so right.-Oh, no!

They were so right.It's not great.

LENNON:No, no.

This is hor... this is horrible.

GLASER:No!

(audience shrieks)

You're welcome.

-Well...-(applause)

I think, uh, R-Ron's weedjust wore off,

Nikki will never sleep again,

and Tom went to cry in the back.

-♪ O holy night -(cheering, applause)

♪ The stars

♪ Are brightly shining

-♪ It is the night -Are you (bleep) kidding me?

♪ Of our dear savior's birth. ♪

Are you (bleep) kidding me?

Is this...

is this actuallyan original Pricasso?

This is an original Pricasso.

-Oh, my God.-Commissioned...

-This is...-Commissioned for you.

-Oh, th-thank you very much.-Here, we'll just leave it...

-Oh, that's so...-We'll leave it right there.

This is amazing.I actually had no idea.

You guys totally surprised mewith this dick painting.

-I had no idea.-(cheering, applause)

This is gonna createa lot of internal conflict,

'cause I can't (bleep) unlessI see a picture of myself.

Uh...

I absolutely love it.Thank you...

Thank you @midnight staffand producers.

-And thank you, Pricasso.-(cheering, applause)