Make America Horny Again

  • Season 1, Ep 14
  • 06/28/2016

Nikki visits a Trump rally, gets an inside look at prostitution from a sex worker, and chats about cheating with Marc Maron and Maria Bamford.

- You look like me if Iwas a Trump supporter.

Do you love America?

- Sure, look at my hat.

- I don't know what I was thinking.

(military marching music)

Who are you voting for?

- T-R-U-M-P, Trump.

- Great, thank you for spelling it.

- Go Trump.

His name's not Hillary.

- Neither is Bernie's.

- Yeah but he's a socialist.

- Okay, what does that mean?

(stutters)

- He's just not good.

Like, I don't like him at all.

- Okay.

(explosion)

- So we're talking about the role of sex in politics

and I wanna know,

do you think Trump is attractive?

- Yes.

- Good looking guy,

cleans up well.

- Do you think thatmatters in a candidate?

- No.

- Do you think Hillary is attractive?

- No.

- Do you think it matters for her?

- Maybe.

- You don't want a female president

unless she's kinda bangable, right?

What about Hillary?

- If she were a man,

perhaps a five.

Woman?

We'll give her a three.

- If she was a man,

she'd be hotter?

Do you think Trump is an attractive man?

- You know what?

I have never even thought about it.

- Well, do you think Hillary is an attractive woman?

- I do not.

- You have considered that.

- I have considered that.

- What kind of sex do you think Trump has?

- Can you imagine somebody come and ask you

what kind of sex you like?

- I like--

- No, don't answer me!

- Anal, doggy.

- Don't answer me.

Don't answer me.

- Do you think he has sex or makes love?

- Probably number two.

- He probably does number two.

- Probably number two.

- He's doing number two all over Melania.

- She's so beautiful,

it could be number one as well.

- Okay, yeah you're right, you're right.

- Who will you bevoting for in November?

- Donald Trump.

I've already endorsed him.

- What are you?

- I'm running for the United States Senate, California.

- Would you perform a sex act on Trump?

If it meant he would for sure win?

- I wouldn't.

I wouldn't even answerthe question, I mean...

- Would you just kiss it?

- No, I don't think this is appropriate.

- Right, right.

- Would you kiss DonaldTrump on the penis

if it mean Isis would disappear?

- Easily, yeah.

- Oh, to get rid of Isis?

Of course.

- Would you go down on Hillary?

- Oh no.

- Oh God, no.

- I am not a Hillary supporter, so.

- Okay.

He's had four wives.

Three wives?

Four wives, I can't...

Four bankruptcies, threewives, sorry, okay.

But you're still into him

even though he's gonna build that wall

and he thinks Mexicans are rapists.

- He might change his mind.

- He does that a lot.

That's true.

- What do you think his dick is like?

- White.

- That's all that matters.

- That's all thatmatters, right, exactly.

- And what ethnicity are you?

- I am Mexican.

Mexican.

- But being white is most important.

- Exactly, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- So, do you want to make America horny again?

- Why not?

- Are you ready to makeAmerica horny again?

- I'm always horny.

- Make America horny again.

- Make America horny again.

- Make America horny again.

- Who wants to make America horny again?

(crowd cheers)

Yeah!

Make America horny again!

Trump would hate you.

(explosion)

- It's an election year,

which means we're all about to go through a breakup.

And an eight year relationship is always hard to get over.

Oh, well not always.

(audience laughs)

Go away.

I'm talking about Obama.

We're not ready to say goodbye yet,

but all we can do is cope.

So here are my tips fordealing with a breakup.

Okay, first get rid of everything

that reminds you of Obama,

including those dad jeans,

that Portuguese water dog poster,

and Joe Biden.

(audience laughs)

I'm sorry, Joe, bye.

And seriously, don't stalk his social media accounts.

I assure you, he's not up.

And don't drive by his house, he's moving, all right?

Now I know there's always gonna be those songs

that remind you of him like this one.

("Hail to the Chief" by James Sanderson)

That's our song you guys, turn it off,

turn if off, (sobs) I can't take it.

He's perfect, it's like he didn't do anything wrong.

All I can think about is that sweet perfect jump shot,

you hunky angel of a man, oh!

- [Barack] I'm not gonna be humiliated.

- Oh Jesus, goddamn it.

He's the most fuckable president we'll ever have.

(audience laughs)

Think about it.

Like tell me youwouldn't fuck this guy.

Ah, pull yourself together, pull it,

let's, come on, it's time to move on.

You know, maybe this is the right time

to like experiment with something new,

like a woman or a rotting bag of baby carrots.

I don't know.

(audience laughs and applauds)

Please.

I refuse to show Donald Trump'sface if I don't have to.

I'm not Wolf Blitzer, yet.

You'll need to tune in next time for that,

but this week on Not Safe

I head down to a Trump rally

and ask his supporters if he's the right candidate

to make America horny again.

Tune in Tuesday at 10:30pm to find out.

(audience cheers and applauds)

>>> TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK

ABOUT THE WORLD'S OLDEST

PROFESSION, DOG WALKERS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST KIDDING.

PROSTITUTION.

PROSTITUTION IS ONLY LEGAL AND

REGULATED IN ONE STATE HERE IN

THE U.S. -- NEVADA --

BUT IT'S ACTUALLY FAIRLY COMMON

AND A LEGAL PRACTICE IN SO MANY

PLACES AROUND THE WORLD,

INCLUDING THE UNITED KINGDOM,

FRANCE, CANADA, AUSTRALIA,

INDIA, SPAIN, MOST OF CENTRAL

AMERICA, SOUTH AMERICA, AND

CHARLIE SHEEN'S HOUSE.

LIKE ANY ISSUE, THERE ARE PROS

AND CONS TO THE LEGALIZATION

DEBATE, SO I WENT TO NEVADA TO

TALK WITH A PRO.

HARLOW.

YES.

SO, YOU ARE AN ESCORT.

YES.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO BE CALLED?

I THINK MOST PEOPLE LIKE TO BE

CALLED AN ESCORT.

OKAY.

BUT MY BROTHER CALLS ME ON THE

PHONE AND SAYS, "HEY, HOOKER.

HOW YOU DOING?"

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO

SOMEONE WANTING TO GET INTO THE

BUSINESS -- ME?

YOU?

[ LAUGHS ]

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

I WOULD SAY THINK ABOUT YOUR

SAFETY ALWAYS.

'CAUSE YOU'RE HAVING TO DO

EVERYTHING UNDERCOVER.

MM-HMM.

YOU HAVE NO PROTECTION A LOT OF

TIMES.

RIGHT.

YOU CAN'T CALL THE COPS, 'CAUSE

THE COPS WILL BUST YOU.

WILL ARREST YOU, YEAH.

WHAT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN SEE

ABOUT A GUY THAT YOU'RE LIKE,

"UNH-UNH"?

I USUALLY GO OFF OF HOW THEY

TALK TO ME IN A TEXT MESSAGE OR

E-MAIL.

TEXT MESSAGE?

YOU CAN TELL?

YEAH.

THEY ASK, "ARE YOU GFE?

ARE YOU FULL-SERVICE?"

WHAT'S GFE?

GFE IS --

GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE.

YEP.

AND THEN THERE'S PSE, WHICH IS

PORN-STAR EXPERIENCE.

IF THEY USE THOSE KINDS OF

ABBREVIATIONS, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S SOMETHING THAT, LIKE,

POLICE DO.

BUT IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE A

HEADS UP ABOUT THE GIRLFRIEND

EXPERIENCE SO THAT YOU CAN SHOW

UP WITH NO MAKEUP ON AND JUST BE

LIKE, "ARE WE DOING THIS?

UGH!"

DO YOU EVER HAVE ORGASMS?

ABSOLUTELY.

DO YOU FAKE ORGASMS?

ABSOLUTELY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU NEED SECURITY EVERYWHERE YOU

GO, GIRL.

IF I WAS, LIKE, COULD SNAP MY

FINGERS AND MAKE YOUR LIFE AS

EASY AS POSSIBLE AND AS SAFE AS

POSSIBLE, WHAT COULD I DO?

INDEPENDENT GIRLS DON'T HAVE

BODYGUARDS, 'CAUSE THAT

BODYGUARD WILL GO TO JAIL FOR

TRAFFICKING AND PROSTITUTION.

SO THEY ARE RISKING A LOT, TOO.

THEY ARE RISKING A FELONY.

SO IF IT WAS LEGAL, YOU COULD

HAVE A BODYGUARD AND PAY HIM OUT

OF YOUR COMPANY.

EXACTLY.

THERE'S SO MUCH MONEY IN THIS,

AND IT COULD BE JUST LIKE

OPENING UP THE DISPENSARIES.

IT COULD REALLY BENEFIT IF YOU

TAX IT.

IT COULD BE LIKE A LEGITIMATE

BUSINESS.

YOU LITERALLY --

WE'RE SITTING ON A GOLD MINE.

WHY CAN'T SEX ALL AROUND BE

LEGALIZED?

WE'RE DOING IT ANYWAY.

YEAH.

GIRLS ARE GOING OUT AND HAVING

SEX WITH EVERYBODY FOR FREE AND

WITHOUT PROTECTION, AND THEY'RE

CATCHING DISEASES AND STUFF LIKE

THAT, AND WHY NOT LEGALIZE

SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE THAT.

[ LAUGHS ]

THANKS FOR TALKING TO ME TODAY.

LET'S JUMP OFF THESE GOLD MINES

AND HEAD OUT.

>> I CAN SHOW YOU THE ROPES.

YOU HAVE THEM WITH YOU?

I DO.

GREAT, OKAY, LET'S GO CHECK THEM

OUT.

LET'S DO THIS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]