Wednesday, November 4, 2015

  • 11/04/2015

Dan Ahdoot, Annie Lederman and Greg Fitzsimmons invent new "Peanuts" specials, create #StressIn5Words and offer tips on how to appear tolerant on social media.

>> CHRIS: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES,

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

MAYBE YOU WERE TOO BUSYCELEBRATING SANDWICH DAY TO

NOTICE, BUT YESTERDAY WASELECTION DAY, THE ANNUAL EVENT

WHERE AMERICA PROUDLY SAYS,"WAIT, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?"

A DAY LATER, WE CAN SHAKE OFFTHE HANGOVER AND LOOK AT THE

RESULTS:HERE THEY ARE.

A LOT OF REPUBLICANS GOTELECTED, POT IS STILL ILLEGAL IN

OHIO, AND IN TEXAS YOU CAN NOWKILL AS MANY FISH AS YOU CAN

CARRY BECAUSE, HOO-BOY, DOTHEY HATE FISH IN TEXAS!

HOWEVER, THERE ARE PROBABLY ALOT OF NEW RESULTS THAT WE

MISSED, SO COMEDIANS, WHAT ARESOME NEW LAWS WE DIDN'T HEAR

ABOUT THAT PASSED ON ELECTIONDAY.

ANNIE.

>> IN FLORIDA, ALL STRIPCLUBS MUST NOW HAVE DAY CARE

CENTERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: DAN.

>> NEW JERSEY IS NOW CALLEDBRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.

>> CHRIS: YES, FINALLY. WE WEREHEADED THAT WAY.

>> CHRIS: FIRE UP YOUR NOSTALGIAENGINES BECAUSE "THE PEANUTS

MOVIE" COMES OUT THIS FRIDAY.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE A CLIP FROMTHE MOVIE?

LET'S SEE IT.

♪♪

>> CHRIS: WHAT THE [BEEP] ISTHAT!

WELL, I GUESS, THANKS TO "THETODAY SHOW" FOR LETTING US USE

THAT FOOTAGE FROM A SERIALKILLER'S FEVER DREAM.

THIS WHOLE TIME WE NEVER KNEWTHE PEANUTS WAS ACTUALLY A

PREQUEL TO "THE HILLS HAVEEYES." OR MAYBE THEY'RE JUST

GETTING THE SAME GRITTY REBOOTTHAT EVERYTHING ELSE SEEMS TO

GET LATELY, SO TO EMBRACE THISTREND, COMEDIANS, GIVE ME THE

NAME OF A NEW PEANUTS SPECIAL.

>> GUESS WHOSE COMING TO DINNER,CHARLIE BROWN?

IT'S THE BLACK GUY WHO'S DATINGLUCY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> YOU'RE A BAD MAN, CHRISBROWN.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: GREG.

>> IT'S THE GREAT BLUMPKIN,CHARLIE BROWN.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: OH MY GOD.

I JUST -- I JUST WANT THE SCENEWHERE LINUS EXPLAINS TO CHARLIE

BROWN IN THE BATHROOM WHAT ABLUMPKIN IS. ALRIGHT.

THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S ROUMULANAUNT CARLY FIORINA

IS HEADED TO "THE VIEW" ONFRIDAY TO CONFRONT THE HOSTS

AFTER THEY SAID SHE LOOKED"DEMENTED" AND

"LIKE A HALLOWEEN MASK."

SORRY, ARE THE "VIEW" LADIESREALLY IN A POSITION TO COMMENT

ON OTHER PEOPLE APPEARANCES? ISTHAT REALLY --

PERSONALLY I THOUGHT "THE VIEW"WOULD HAVE BEEN ABOVE THAT

KIND OF FACE SHAMING. I THINKIT'S WRONG.

WE WOULD NEVER DO IT ON THISSHOW.

WELL EXCEPT WHEN WE CALLED CARLYFIORINA A PINCHED WEASEL TYCOON.

AND WE CALLED HILLARY CLINTON ADRESS BARN VELOCIRAPTOR.

I GUESS THERE WAS THAT TIME IREFERRED TO TED CRUZ AS A

FELCH PHAROAH.

I CAN'T COUNT HOW MANYDISPARAGING THINGS I'VE

SAID ABOUT DONALD TRUMP. CLEARLYWE HAVE NOT FOUND THE RIGHT

INSULT YET BECAUSE NONE OF THESECANDIDATES

HAVE COME TO OUR SHOW LIKEFIORINA'S DOING ON "THE VIEW."

YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUTTHEIR DUMB FACE AND THEN THEY

COME ON YOUR SHOW.

COMEDIANS, WHAT DO WE HAVE TOSAY ABOUT A CANDIDATE'S FACE

TO CONVINCE THEM TO COME ON@MIDNIGHT. ANNIE.

>> SHE LOOKS LIKE A FERRET WHOGOT LOOSE IN A ROSS DRESS FOR

LESS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DAN.

>> CARLY FIORINA LOOKS LIKE MYGRANDFATHER'S KNEE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> IN HER DEFENSE HE HAS A VERYHANDSOME KNEE.

>> CHRIS: VERY HANDSOME.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: TODAY WAS STRESS

AWARENESS DAY, WHICH IS VERYSTRESSFUL. YOU HAVE TO GO AROUND

BEING ALL NICE TO PEOPLE, LIKE"I'M AWARE OF YOUR STRESS,

BUT ARE YOU AWARE OF MYSTRESS?" SO LET'S SIMPLIFY

THINGS WITH TONIGHT'S HASHTAG#STRESSIN5WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: BOSSACCIDENTALLY SEES YOU POOPING.

"ACCIDENTALLY."

JACK.

OR TRUMP MIGHT BE [BLEEP]IN'PRESIDENT.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> DIDN'T WE PARK DOWN HERE?

CHRIS: POINTS.

DAN.

>> JEREMY PIVEN JUST SWIPEDRIGHT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. ANNIE.

>> WHOOPS, I QUEEFED ATTHANKSGIVING AGAIN.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: THE READ ON THAT WAS

ESPECIALLY CLASSIC.

>> I FELT IT.

CHRIS: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU PUTTHE STUFFING IN DOGGY STYLE.

>> YA.

CHRIS: ANNIE.

>> PEE-SOAKED PHONE, NOT MY PEE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> THAT BABY HAS A GUN.

CHRIS: POINTS.

>> GOOD NEWS IS, IT'S AIDS.

[LAUGHING]WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS, RIGHT?

CHRIS: IN THAT SCENARIO WHATCOULD IT BE?

GREG.

>> HI I'M DR. GARY BUSEY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> CHRIS: AND THE GOOD NEWS ISIT'S AIDS.

NOW IT'S TIME TOPLAY "MANNECAN'T."

SEE WHAT WE DID THERE? WE ADDEDA CONTRACTION.

PERSONALLY, I HATE MANNEQUINS.

I DON'T TRUST ANYTHING THATDRESSES COOLER THAN ME AND

DOESN'T BLINK.

ALSO NO MANNEQUIN HAS EVER COMETO LIFE AND HAD SEX WITH ME

LIKE THE MOVIE "MANNEQUIN"PROMISED THAT IT WOULD.

BUT I'M GONNA KEEP TRYING.

THE WONDERFUL TUMBLR"INSANNEQUINS" PROVES MY POINT

BY COMPILING SOME OF THE MOSTDISTURBING IMAGES OF CLOTHING

STORE MANNEQUINS.

JESUS CHRIST.

>> SEXY DONNIE DARKO.

CHRIS: DEFINITELY SEXY DONNIEDARKO.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUONE OF THESE UNBLINKING

MONSTERS, AND FOR 250 POINTS, IWANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT THAT

MANNEQUIN IS SAYING.

FIRST UP, THIS BIG GUY...

ANNIE.

>> OH NO MY WHOLE BODY IS AFOOPA.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GREG.

>> WELCOME TO APPLEBEES. IS YOURWHOLE PARTY HERE?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> WHAT IS THAT STORE?

>> LOOK AT THE JEANS NEXT TOHIM.

>> IT'S SMALL HEAD & TALL.

CHRIS: YES.

SMALL HEAD & TALL.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: 100 POINTS TO ANNIE

LEDERMAN FOR SMALL HEAD & TALL.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: OK, HERE'S A CREEPY

ONE.

HERE WE GO.

GREG.

>> THIS NEXT YOGA POSE IS CALLEDKOREAN DROPPING A DEUCE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DAN.

>> SAVE ME LIAM NEESON.

CHRIS: POINTS.

THAT'S NOT A MANNEQUIN, THAT'SJUST COURTNEY LOVE HANGING OUT.

>> I THINK IT'S LIKE THE THIRDOLSEN THEY JUST HIDE FROM

EVERYONE.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: HOW ABOUT THIS

BACKWARDS BETTY?

GOOD LORD. GREG.

>> THE WORST PART IS I HAVE GAS.

CHRIS: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> I WAS MADE IN SIR MIX-A-LOT'S

SECRET LAIR.

POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: WHAT ABOUT THESE

FOOTBALL FANS?

>> OH, GOOD LORD.

CHRIS: GREG.

>> THOSE MANNEQUINS ARE NOT THEONLY THINGS THAT ARE ROCK HARD

AND DEAD SERIOUS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DAN.

>> #INFLATEGATE.

CHRIS: POINTS.

WELL PLAYED.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> AND NOW HER KIDS CAN GET DAY

CARE IN FLORIDA.

>> CHRIS: YES, THAT'S TRUE.

WELL PLAYED.

100 POINTS TO DAN.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: NEXT UP, THIS FANCY

FELLA.

ANNIE.

>> DON'T LET THIS TUX FOOL YOU:IT'S ME, AMBER ROSE.

[ APPLAUSE ]

IT LOOKS LIKE HER.

CHRIS: POINTS.

DAN.

>> OF COURSE I'M A FANCY MAN ANDNOT SECRETLY THREE BABIES

STACKED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER

>> CHRIS: FINALLY, HOW ABOUTTHIS YOUNG LADY?

HOW ABOUT THIS YOUNG LADY?

>> I'M NOT GOING TO LET MYSCOLIOSIS GET IN THE WAY OF ME

GETTING HPV.

[LAUGHING]>> "I NEED SOME DICK, GIVE ME

SOME DICK."

>> CHRIS: "I HAVE A PROBLEM."

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT DANIEL CRAIG CALLING JAMES

BOND A MISOGYNIST AND I ASKEDYOU TO GIVE ME A LINE FROM A

MORE FEMINIST 007.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

ANNIE.

>> DID YOU KNOW THAT FOR EVERYMAN THAT'S A 007,

THERE IS A WOMAN THAT IS ONLY A005.25.

>> CHRIS: SOLID.

SOLID JOKE.

DAN.

>> OF COURSE I COMPLETELYUNDERSTAND THAT YOU PREFER TO BE

CALLED OCTOVAGINA.

>> CHRIS: ALRIGHT.

ALRIGHT. GREG.

>> GOOD NEWS MONEYPENNY. SAY HITO MONEYNICKEL.

YOU WILL MAKE AS MUCH AS A MANBUT I'M STILL GOING TO TRY TO

[BLEEP] YOU.

>> CHRIS: ALRIGHT.

>> CHRIS: IT'S TIME FOR "FOX ANDTHE FRIEND HOUSE."

"FOX AND THE FRIEND HOUSE."

ON A RECENT EPISODE OF "FOX ANDFRIENDS,"

THE FRIENDS SHARED SOME TIPS ONHOW TO APPEAR TOLERANT ON

FACEBOOK. I WANNA MAKE ITCLEAR: NOT HOW TO BE

TOLERANT, BUT HOW TO APPEARTOLERANT.

FIRSTLY, THE 3F'S:"KEEP POLITICAL POSTS TO FACTS,

FIGURES AND FUNNY!"TIP TWO:

"IF A FRIEND CROSSES THE LINE,UNFOLLOW THEM."

AND FINALLY, I [BLEEP] YOU NOT:"JOIN A CLOSED FACEBOOK GROUP

DEDICATED TO YOUR POINT OFVIEW."

YOU KNOW, LIKE "FOX ANDFRIENDS"!

COMEDIANS, I'M SURE THEY WEREONLY SCRATCHING THE SURFACE OF

THEIR TOLERANCE TIPS.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER FOX &FRIENDS FACEBOOK TOLERANCE TIPS?

IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

>> FOLLOW A BIG SCARY BLACK GUYON TWITTER.

SEE HOW HE LIKES IT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> JUST WRITE THE WORD "FLAGS"

WE'LL KNOW THE "L" IS SILENT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> YOUR POSTS ARE NOT FETUSES.IT'S OKAY TO ABORT THEM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DAN.

>> REFER TO BITCHES AS "WOMEN."

CHRIS: POINTS.

GREG.

>> MAKE SURE YOU'RE AROUND LIKEMINDED PEOPLE BEFORE REFERRING

TO THE HOLOCAUST WITH AIRQUOTES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> POST ALL THE RIFLE PICSYOU WANT. THERE IS NO SUCH THING

AS GUN PHOTO CONTROL.