September 9, 2014 - Jason Segel

  • 09/09/2014

Apple unveils its smartwatch, Detroit firefighters manage to innovate despite a lack of resources, and Jason Segel discusses his children's book, "Nightmares!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: OH, HEY!

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT,"EVERYBODY!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US! I'MSORRY, I'M JUST, I'M JUST

LOOKING AT THE THING. I'LL BERIGHT WITH YA!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN!

THANK YOU! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, I'M SORRY.

I'LL BE WITH YOU INJUST ONE MINUTE.

I JUST NEED ONE SECOND HERE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO LOAD THEIPHONE 6 ANNOUNCEMENT, SO I

CAN FIND OUT WHY I SUDDENLY HATETHe IPHONE 5 I'M WATCHING

IT ON.

(LAUGHTER)WOW, WOW. 7.1 MILLIMETERS.

I WONDER HOW MANY THAT IS?

(LAUGHTER)BUT OF COURSE, THE IPHONE 6

WASN'T THE BIG SURPRISE.

MANY PEOPLE PREDICTED 6 WOULDCOME AFTER 5.

(LAUGHTER)>> I AM SO EXCITED AND I AM SO

PROUD TO SHARE IT WITH YOU THISMORNING.

IT IS THE NEXT CHAPTER INAPPLE'S STORY.

(LAUGHTER)♪♪

(LAUGHTER)♪♪

>> STEPHEN: WOO!

WOO!

WOO!

WOO WOO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WOO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DOES IT DO?

(LAUGHTER)I GOTTA HAVE THE APPLE WATCH!

IT'S FINALLY COOL TO WEAR ACALCULATOR WATCH!

WHO'S THE NERD, NOW, BENMCGOOKEN?! I MEAN, THIS THING

THIS THING RIGHT HERE IS GONNACHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT YOUR

WRIST. BUT DON'T TAKEMY HYPE FOR IT.

TAKE THEIRS.

>> WE'VE INVENTED NEW, INTIMATEWAYS TO CONNECT AND COMMUNICATE

DIRECTLY FROM YOUR WRIST.

>> Stephen: I THOUGHT I KNEWALL THE INTIMATE WAYS TO

WRIST-COMMUNICATE.

WHAT'S LEFT?

WRIST IN BUTT?

I DON'T KNOW...

(LAUGHTER)AND FOLKS --

(LAUGHTER)TRAGICALLY, THE APPLE WATCH IS

NOT AVAILABLE UNTIL 2015,WHENEVER THAT IS, CAUS I DON'T

KNOW, BECAUSE I DON'THAVE AN APPLE WATCH!

(LAUGHTER)BUT I DID MANAGE TO GET MY HANDS

ON AN EVEN MORE CUTTING EDGEPRODUCT FROM AN APPLE INSIDER.

WELL TECHNICALLY ANAPPLE OUTSIDER.

HE WAS IN THE ALLY BEHIND THEAPPLE STORE.

SO SAY HELLO TO THE NEW WRISTPAD!

(LAUGHTER)THERE IT IS. LOOK AT THIS.

THE SCREEN SIZE. THIS ISEXCLUSIVE. THIS IS EXCLUSIVE.

LOOK AT THAT!

YEAH!

(APPLAUSE)THE SCREEN SIZE IS MUCH BETTER

THAN THE APPLE WATCH.

SEE, LET'S SEE, WHAT TIME IS IT?

11:04 -- AND IS THAT RIGHT?

YES, IT IS. ALL RIGHT.

THIS THING IS GONNA BE HUGE. OK?

I JUST GOTTA GET OUT THEI-SCISSORS!

THERE WE GO. THERE YOU GO.

(LAUGHTER)AND, MM-HMM -- YOU CAN USE THIS

TO GIVE YOURSELF AN IBRAZILIAN.

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT.

MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)NATION, THE MID-TERMS ARE ALMOST

HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, THE MID-TERMS ARE ALMOST

HERE, AND REMEMBER THEY COUNTFOR 30% OF YOUR GRADE.

AND I AM CONFIDENT THAT THEREPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO BE

KICKING ASS AND TAKING SEATSBECAUSE THEY'VE GOT A MESSAGE

THAT APPEALS TO ALL AMERICANS,IF YOU DON'T COUNT 51% OF THEM.

>> AN EXCLUSIVE REPORT ONPOLITICO STATES A STUDY ORDERED

BY TWO REPUBLICAN GROUPS FOUNDTHAT FEMALE VOTERS FEEL

THE PARTY IS "STUCK IN THEPAST."

THEY ALSO SAID THE G.O.P. WASINTOLERANT AND LACKED

COMPASSION.

NEARLY 50% OF WOMEN HAD ANUNFAVORABLE VIEW OF THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY.

>> THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS INWORSE SHAPE WITH WOMEN NOW THAN

IT WAS IN 2010.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?

>> I'M NOT SURE.

IN SPITE OF ALL THIS CHATTER,WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT

YEAR.

>> Stephen: YEP, GREAT YEAR.

SUPER GOOD.

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?

I COULDN'T HEAR YOU WITH ALL THECHATTER ABOUT HOW WOMEN HATE US.

OKAY, SO REPUBLICANS ARE HAVINGSOME LADY PROBLEMS.

AND THEY CAN'T FIX THEM THE WAYYOU NORMALLY DO, BY DRINKING

ALONE IN THE DEN WITH BILLYJOEL'S "BIG SHOT" CRANKED ALL

THE WAY UP.

(SINGING)NOW YOU HAD TO BE A BIG SHOT,

DIDN'T YA!

YOU HAD TO PROVE IT TO THECROWD!

YOU HAD TO BE A BIG SHOT, DIDN'TYA!

OH YOUR FRIENDS WERE SO KNOCKEDOUT.

(APPLAUSE)YOU HAD TO HAVE THE LAST WORD

LAST NIGHT, SO YOU KNOW WHATEVERYTHING'S ABOUT.

YOU HAD TO HAVE THE WHITE HOTSPOTLIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)BUT, BECAUSE NONE OF THIS IS

GOING TO MAKE IT INTO THESHOW --

(AUDIENCE REACTS)-- BUT THERE'S HOPE FOR THE

G.O.P.

IN THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OFSTEPHEN COLBERT'S "MID TERM

ROUNDUP."

♪♪YEE-HAW!

ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN,THANKS TO STEVE CARELL

FOR FLYING IN TO DO THAT LIVE.

THANK YOU, STEVE!

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.NOW FIRST UP,

I'M A LONG-TIME FAN OFOF FORMER MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR

AND UNDERSTUDY IN THE MITTROMNEY MUSICAL, SCOTT BROWN.

IN 2010, BROWN SWEPT INTO OFFICEWITH AN INSPIRING MESSAGE FOR

AMERICA -->> I'M SCOTT BROWN.

I'M FROM WRENTHAM.

AND I DRIVE A TRUCK!

>> Stephen: IT WAS THE MOSTEXCITING SENATE RUN OF MAN AND

TRUCK SINCE SENATOROPTIMUS PRIME.

NOW BROWN IS RUNNING FOR SENATEAGAIN IN THE HEART OF

MASSACHUSETTS.

NEW HAMPSHIRE.

AGAINST INCUMBENT DEMOCRAT ANDDR. SEUSS TRIBUTE NAME

JEANNE SHAHEEN.

UNFORTUNATELY, BROWN IS LOSINGTHE WOMEN VOTE TO SHAHEEN BY 39

TO 53%.

HAVEN'T THE LADIES OFNEW HAMPSHIRE SEEN HIS OLD COSMO

PHOTOSPREAD?

I MEAN, HE SHOULD HAVE AN EASYPATH TO THE SENATE.

JUST FOLLOW THE TREASURE TRAIL.

BUT SCOTT BROWN HAS A NEW PLANTO WIN FEMALE VOTERS -- GIVE

THEM THE WOMEN FOR SCOTT BROWNHERO AWARD!

SEEN HERE BEING GIVEN TONEW HAMPSHIRE BUSINESSWOMAN

JANICE LEAHY.

BROWN COMMEMORATED THE OCCASIONIN A PRESS RELEASE, SAYING --

I'M PLEASED TO AWARD JANICE WITHA HERO AWARD TO CELEBRATE HER

DETERMINATION TO MAINTAIN ABUSINESS DESPITE GOVERNMENT RED

TAPE AND BURDENSOMEREGULATIONS...

IT IS VERY TROUBLING TO LISTENTO JANET'S STORY.

THE MOST TROUBLING THING ABOUTJANET'S STORY?

HER NAME IS JANICE.

(LAUGHTER)BUT THAT, THAT IS NOT

SCOTT BROWN'S FAULT.

I MEAN, HOW'S HE SUPPOSED TOREMEMBER HER NAME?

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY WENT TO THETROUBLE TO PUT IT ON THE PLAQUE.

I MEAN, THAT'S AN EXTRA 2 CENTSA LETTER.

JANE HERE WAS CLEARLY MOVED BYTHE HONOR.

AS SHE TOLD TIME MAGAZINE, SHEWAS LEFT CONFUSED AND

EMBARRASSED BY THE WHOLEEPISODE, BUT I'M SURE THAT

JANINE WILL REMEMBER THIS GREATHONOR COME ELECTION DAY.

SCOTT HAS ALREADY INSPIRED ME TORECOGNIZE THE HARD WORKING

BUSINESS GALS ON MY STAFF.

COME ON OUT HERE, ABBY!

ABBY, EVERYBODY.

GIVE IT UP!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: NOW -- THANK YOU.

ABBY -->> IT'S ARIEL.

>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, WHAT?

>> IT'S ARIEL.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT WHAT ITSAYS ON THE PRESS RELEASE

RIGHT HERE. ALL RIGHT. IWAS TOLD YOU WANTED A

MEETING WITH ME?

>> WELL, YES, BUT I DIDN'T MEANON THE SHOW.

>> Stephen: THIS IS THE ONLYFREE TIME I'VE GOT.

I WAS IN MEETINGS ALL DAY WITHLEVEL 35 OF CANDY CRUSH.

WHAT'S UP?

>> OKAY.

WELL, I FOUND OUT THAT JEREMY ISMAKING MORE MONEY THAN I AM,

EVEN THOUGH WE DO THE EXACT SAMEJOB.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> Stephen: THAT, THAT IS, THAT

IS A SERIOUS ACCUSATION.

WHO GAVE YOU THAT CONFIDENTIALINFORMATION ABOUT YOUR SALARIES?

>> I'M THE ACCOUNTANT.

>> Stephen: WELL, I'M SORRY,AVERY.

I'M WITH SCOTT BROWN.

WE CANNOT HAVE BURDENSOMEREGULATIONS ON SMALL BUSINESS.

I SHOULD KNOW, THIS PROGRAM ISREGISTERED AS A FAMILY-RUN

DRY-CLEANER, SO I CAN DEDUCT MYBAR BILL AS CHEMICAL SOLVENTS.

BUT IT TOOK A LOT OF GIRL-BALLSFOR YOU TO COME HERE,

AMBER.

AND TO REWARD THAT ENTERPRISINGSPIRIT, I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE

THAT YOU ARE THE FIRST EVERWINNER OF THE "WOMEN FOR STEPHEN

COLBERT FEMALE LADY ACHIEVER,NO

PENIS? NO PROBLEM!" AWARD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)JUST SMILE FOR THE CAMERA,

JUST SMILE FOR THE CAMERA AND

THANK ME FOR ALL THAT I HAVEDONE FOR WOMEN.

>> YOU'VE DONE NOTHING FORWOMEN.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT WHAT ITSAYS ON MY "SCOTT BROWN MEMORIAL

YOU'VE JUST DONE SOMETHING FORWOMEN AWARD."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.CONGRATULATIONS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYONE. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

NATION, NATION THE NEWSRIGHT NOW, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, THE NEWS RIGHT NOW IS A

LITTLE DEPRESSING, BUT WHENTIMES ARE TOUGH, AMERICA'S SMALL

TOWNS SHOW US HOW FOLKS MAKE DOWITH WHAT THEY'VE GOT.

THIS IS HOMETOWN HEROTOWN.

(TRUMPET SOUND)TONIGHT'S TINY TOWN THAT

COULD -- DETROIT.

MOTOWN HAS FALLEN ON HARD TIMESLATELY --

RIGHT NOW, DETROIT IS MIRED INTHE LARGEST MUNICIPAL BANKRUPTCY

IN AMERICAN HISTORY.

THE CITY MANAGER ESTIMATES THETOTAL DEBT IS LIKELY TO BE

BETWEEN $18 BILLION AND$20 BILLION.

NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT FIGURE ISA LITTLE VAGUE, BUT THE

REPO-MEN TOOK THE CITY'SCALCULATOR.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW THAT WHEN THEGOING GETS TOUGH,

THE HOMETOWN GETS HERO, ANDNOBODY KNOWS THAT BETTER THAN

DETROIT'S FIRE DEPARTMENT WHICH,CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, DOES

NOT START FIRES.

(LAUGHTER)THESE HARD WORKING

MIDDLE-AMERICANS TURNED THEIRLACK-OF-LEMONS INTO A

LACK-OF-LEMONADE.

JIM?

>> DETROIT GETS ABOUT 11,000FIRES IN ANY GIVEN YEAR.

BUT HOW IT GETS THOSE CALLS MAYSURPRISE YOU.

THE CITY HAS NO MODERN-DAYCOMPUTERIZED SYSTEM FOR GETTING

EMERGENCY ALERT.

IN FIRE STATIONS ALL ACROSSDETROIT, FIREFIGHTERS PLACE A

POP CAN FILLED WITH COINS ORSCREWS ON TOP OF A FAX MACHINE.

WHEN AN EMERGENCY ALERT COMESTHROUGH, THE PAPER KNOCKS DOWN

THE POP CAN, THE CLANKING NOISEMEANS THERE'S AN EMERGENCY.

>> WHEN A RUN COMES OVER THEPRINTER, IT COMES OUT, HITS OUR

FAYGO CAN.

(CLANKS)AND WE GET AN ALERT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, THEALARM AT MANY -- YES, GIVE IT

UP! GIVE IT UP!

(APPLAUSE)CAN DO!

THAT'S RIGHT, THEALARM AT MANY DETROIT FIRE

STATIONS IS A FAYGO CAN FULL OFSCREWS -- WHICH IS,

INCIDENTALLY, THE HEALTHIESTFLAVOR OF FAYGO.

(LAUGHTER)WELL DONE, THRIFTY DETROIT

FIREFIGHTERS, FOR SHOWING YOUDON'T NEED THE BELLS AND

WHISTLES OF ACTUAL BELLS ORWHISTLES.

(LAUGHTER)THIS WOBBLY CAN SYSTEM IS

FOOLPROOF, PROVIDED NO ONE EVERBUMPS THE TABLE.

AND THIS SECURITY INNOVATION ISNO SURPRISE.

AFTER ALL, DETROIT IS THE TOWNTHAT BROUGHT US ROBO COP, WHICH,

WITH TODAY'S BUDGET, LOOKS MORELIKE THIS.

>> DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU'RE COMINGWITH ME!

DROP IT!

>> Stephen: FOLKS, WHEN I SEETHIS JERRY-RIGGED ALARM SYSTEM,

IT'S CLEAR THAT THESE BRAVE MENAND WOMEN DESERVE MORE...

CHANCES TO MAKE DO WITH LESS.

I MEAN, THERE'S STILL PLENTY OFFAT TO BE TRIMMED HERE.

FOR EXAMPLE, RIGHT NOW EMERGENCYCALLS GO TO A CENTRAL DISPATCHER

WHO THEN FAXES IT TO THE FIRESTATIONS.

WHY BOTHER WITH DISPATCHERSWHEN HOMEOWNERS CAN FAX THE

STATION DIRECTLY?

IF THERE'S A FIRE, JUST REMEMBERTHE OLD SAYING -- STOP, DROP AND

ROLL -- OVER TO YOUR CANONL.C. 2050 LASER-CLASS FAX

MACHINE, THEN LOAD THEPAPER TRAY, PLACE YOUR DOCUMENT

TEXT-SIDE DOWN INTO THE FEEDER,DIAL YOUR LOCAL FIRE STATION AND

HIT "SEND."

OH!

AND MAKE SURE YOU ADD A COVERLETTER WITH THE SUBJECT HEADER

"FIRE!"(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)SO BRAVO, BRAVO TO DETROIT'S

FIREFIGHTERS WHO SOLVED THEIRLACK OF AN ALARM WITH THEIR

CAN-DO SPIRIT -- BY SAYING"LET'S HAVE A CAN-DO IT."

(LAUGHTER)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: MY GUEST TONIGHT

IS AN ACCLAIMED ACTOR, AND I'MDYING TO FIND OUT HOW HE MET MY

MOM.

PLEASE WELCOME JASON SEGEL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HEY, JASON!

NICE TO MEET YOU! THANKS FORCOMING ON. BIG FAN!

NICE TO HAVE YOU ON!

>> THANK YOU! I'M A HUGE FAN.

>> Ste[jem: NOW, YOU'RE ANAWARD-WINNING ACTOR

YOU'RE A TV STAR.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER WON ANAWARD.

>> Stephen: YOU NEVER WON ANAWARD?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: IT SAYS YOU'RE ANAWARD-WINNING ACTOR.

>> YEAH, NO. NO.

>> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO KEEPTRACK. NO AWARD.

>> I WAS ON TV FOR NINE YEARS. >> Stephen: NO AWARDS?

>> THERE WERE NO NOMINATIONS.>> Stephen: NOTHING?

>> NO, NOTHING. NO ONE CARED.>> Stephen: YOU'VE NEVER EVEN

GOT LIKE A TELLY OR A SATELLITEOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

>> NO. NOTHING. NO.

>> Stephen: YOU SHOULD. YOU WANTONE?

>> YEAH. OH COME ON!

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOUWANT? THERE YOU GO, HERE!

HERE, YOU CAN HAVE THIS ONE!THIS IS...

(APPLAUSE)NO, I GOT IT, HAND ME, HAND ME

SOME OF THAT SCOTTBROWN (BLEEP)!

>> YEAH, YEAH!

>> GIVE YOU ONE OF THOSE. YOUCAN HAVE THIS FOR NOW.

WE'LL KEEP IT RIGHT HERE.

>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. ATEMPORARY WIND HORSE, THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: IN THE MEANTIME.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A TV STAR?

>> YEAH. THAT'S FAIR.

>> Stephen: MOVIE STAR.MUSICIAN.

>> YEAH. LITTLE BIT.

>> Stephen: AND NOW YOU'VEGOT A BOOK.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: YOU YOU'VE GOT ABOOK HERE.

IT'S CALLED "NIGHTMARES."

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: WRITTEN AND UH...(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: YOU'RE A QUADRUPLETHREAT AT THIS POINT.

>> I SUPPOSE SO. YEAH.

>> Stephen: ISN'T IT A LITTLELATE IN YOUR CAREER TO VIE WITH

JAMES FRANCO FOR MOSTWELL-ROUNDED ALUM OF

FREAKS AND GEEKS?

>> YEAH, NO THAT...(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: DO YOU EVER CALL HIMUP AND SAY, I'M COMING FOR YOU

WITH A BOOK, (BLEEP)!

>> NO, AS OPPOSED TOTRYING TO LIKE WIDEN OUT,

I THINK I'M TRYING TO LIKE FOCUSIN.

>> Stephen: OH REALLY?

>> YEAH BECAUSE MY WHOLE CAREER,I HAVE BEEN WALKING THE LINE

BETWEEN LIKE CHILD-LIKE WONDERAND LIKE INCREDIBLY CREEPY.

AND THIS SEEMED LIKE A CHANCE TODO BOTH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THIS IS IT.

>> IT'S EVERYTHING IN ONE BOOK.

>> Stephen: MOM, I'VEMET A WONDERFUL GUY,

HIS NAME IS JASON...>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: HE'S GOTCHILD-LIKE WONDER

AND IS INCREDIBLY CREEPY.(LAUGHTER)

>> YEAH. I'LL TELL YOU, I'LLGIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT I

MEAN.>> Stephen: PLEASE, YEAH.

>> SO I WROTE "THE MUPPETMOVIE," RIGHT?

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. REALLYGREAT, REALLY GREAT.

>> THANK YOU.>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.

>> THAT'S INCREDIBLY COOLBECAUSE THERE'S A CONTEXT NOW.

BUT PRIOR TO WRITING "THE MUPPETMOVIE," I WAS JUST A GUY, GROWN

MAN WHO LIVED WITH PUPPETSIN HIS HOUSE.

LIKE I HAD A HOUSE FULL OFPUPPETS.

>> Stephen: JASON, JASON, WHENEVERYONE WAS GONE...

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: DID THEY TALK TOYOU?

(LAUGHTER)>> WHATEVER!

>> Stephen: WHATEVER. ALL RIGHT.SO WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT A KID WHO...

>> IT'S ABOUT A KID WHOSE MOTHERPASSES AWAY.

>> Stephen: SO IT'S SAD, IT'S ASAD STORY.

>> HE HAS A SAD LIFE AT THEBEGINNING.

THAT'S HOW HE PERCEIVES IT.

HIS FATHER GETS REMARRIED.

AND WHEN HE DOES, THE KID STARTSHAVING TERRIBLE NIGHTMARES ABOUT

WITCHES EATING HIS TOES, WHICHIS A RECURRING NIGHTMARE THAT I

HAD GROWING UP.

>> Stephen: HONEST TO GOD, YOUDREAMED WITCHES WERE EATING YOUR

TOES?

>> EVERY NIGHT I DREAMT THATWITCHES WERE EATING MY TOES.

>> Stephen: I DREAMT, I USED TODREAM THAT I WAS A SKELETON...

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AND THEN WHEN IWOULD WAKE UP I WOULD STILL

THINK I WAS A SKELETON.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: AND I HAD TOTOUCH LIKE FLESHY HUMANS TO KNOW

THAT I WASN'T.

>> WOW!

>> Stephen: CAN YOU IMAGINEWAKING UP TO THAT?

A LITTLE BOY OVER YOU, TOUCHINGYOU IN YOUR SLEEP SO THAT YOUR

SKIN WOULD GO AROUND MYBONES AND I WOULDN'T BE

A SKELETON ANYMORE. (LAUGHTER)

>> YEAH.>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S WHY WEENDED UP HERE? LIKE, I DO.

>> Stephen: WHY YOU'RE INCOMEDY AND I'M IN NEWS?

(LAUGHTER)>> YEAH WELL...

>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT.>> IT TAKES LIKE A SLIGHT

DELUSION, I THINK, I'VE ALWAYSFELT, TO BELIEVE THAT LIKE WHAT

I HAVE TO SAY IS WORTHY OFPEOPLE SITTING THERE

AND PAYING MONEY TO LISTEN TO.

>> Stephen: THAT SEEMS NATURALTO ME.

>> DOES IT?

>> Stephen: THAT SEEMS NATURALTO ME.

>> IT DOES TO ME TOO, BUT IDON'T THINK IT SEEMS NATURAL TO

EVERYBODY ELSE.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: OH NO, EVERYBODYSHUT UP, I'M TALKING.

>> NO RIGHT, EXACTLY.

(LAUGHTER)>> OK, ALL RIGHT. I HAVE A

QUESTION, THOUGH, I GOTTAASK YOU.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: THIS IS, THIS IS,THIS IS FOR A FRIEND.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: YOU JUST FINISHEDA NINE-YEAR RUN.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: OF A TELEVISIONSHOW.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AND AGAIN, THIS ISFOR A FRIEND.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: HOW WOULD YOURECOMMEND MY FRIEND...

>> YEAH.>> Stephen: APPROACH ENDING THIS

SHOW THAT MY FRIEND DOES THAT'SBEEN ON FOR NINE YEARS.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AND YES, I'M TALKINGABOUT BRIAN WILLIAMS.

>> YES, OF COURSE. NO, IUNDERSTAND.

>> Stephen: IS IT HARD ENDINGA SHOW AFTER NINE YEARS WHERE

THAT'S YOUR LIFE, THAT'S YOURFAMILY?

>> YEAH, IT'S A TRICKY THING.

NOW IS WHEN WE WOULD BE GOINGBACK TO THE SHOW.

SO, NOW IS THE TRICKIEST TIME.BUT I TOOK,

I'VE NEVER TAKE AN VACATIONBEFORE BECAUSE I'VE DID A MOVIE

EVERY SUMMER BREAK I HADFROM THE TV SHOW.

>> Stephen: ONCE YOU, ONCEYOU WERE EMPLOYED AS AN ACTOR.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RENOT EMPLOYED AS AN ACTOR,

EVERY DAY IS A VACTION.

>> YES THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S HOWYOU VIEW IT, LIKE.

>> Stephen: IT'S A FANTASTICLIFE.

>> ANOTHER GREAT DAY OFVACATION.

>> Stephen: NOT HAVING A JOB INLOS ANGELES IS JUST LIKE ONE

CONTINUOUS VACATION OUT THERE.>> TOTALLY.

>> Stephen: FANTASTIC LIFE.

>> YEAH, I DON'T GET WHATEVERYONE'S COMPLAINING ABOUT.

>> Stephen: I DON'TUNDERSTAND, EITHER.

>> YEAH, SO I WENT TO EUROPE FORTHE FIRST TIME, AND THE SHOW, AS

IT TURNS OUT, IS INCREDIBLYPOPULAR OVERSEAS.

LIKE, PEOPLE LOVE "HOW I METYOUR MOTHER," WHICH I WAS NOT

AWARE OF.

SO PEOPLE WOULD BE, LIKE, HEY,MARSHALL!

HEY, MARSHALL!

I HATE TO BOTHER YOU BUT ARE YOUMARSHALL? BUT IT TURNS OUT

THEY'VE DUBBED MY VOICE WITH,LIKE, MY CHARACTER'S LIKE

A LOVEABLE OAF, AND THEY DUBBEDME WITH LIKE PEOPLE EVEN

STUPIDER SOUNDING THAN ME.

>> Stephen: REALLY? SO YOU COMEOFF AS FAIRLY INTELLIGENT.

>> EVERYONE WAS LIKE, YOU'RE SOSMART!

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: WOW!

>> AND I WOULD BE, LIKE,I'M SORRY, WHICH WAY TO THE

MUSEUM? OH, YOU'RE SO SMART!

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: ASKING WHICH WAY

TO THE MUSEUM MAKES YOU SEEMSMART?

>> MARSHALL'S A GENIUS!

>> Stephen: NO SPOILERS, IHAVEN'T FINISHED THE SERIES,

YET. >> OKAY.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU MY MOTHER?

(LAUGHTER)>> IF I SAY YES, DO I GET TO

EXPERIENCE YOUR WEIRD FLESHYTOUCH?

>> Stephen: YES.

>> YES? THEN YES!

>> Stephen: LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, JASON SEGEL,

"NIGHTMARES"!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THEREPORT," EVERYBODY!

BUT BEFORE WE GO, JASON, IFEEL BAD, JASON, YOU WERE NOT

AWARE YOU'VE WON ANYAWARDS, CORRECT?

>> I WASN'T. NO.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE WON A LOTOF AWARDS. MY RESEARCH

DEPARTMENT DIDN'T SAYTHEY WERE GOOD AWARDS.

>> OK, HERE WE GO.>> Stephen: ASCAP, TOP BOX

OFFICE FILMS, TELEVISIONMUSIC AWARDS, BROADCAST

FILM CRITICS, CRITICS CHOICEAWARD, CHICAGO FILM CRITICS.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD, HOWOLD ARE YOU?

>> I'M 34.

>> Stephen: 34. LIFETIMEACHIEVEMENT AWARD.

I'D HAVE MY BLOOD CHECKED. THEYKNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T.

>> THEY JUST THINK I'M DONE.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY. THECHRISTOPHER AWARDS, THE DENVER

FILM CRITICS SOCIETYAWARDS, THE GEORGIA FILM

CRITICS, HASTINGS PUDDINGTHEATRICAL FROM HARVARD --

>> YES, YEAH.

>> Stephen: BUDDY, YOU'RELIKE, YOU'RE THICK WITH AWARDS.

AND TONIGHT YOU'RE GETTING THESCOTT BROWN MEMORIAL

YOU'VE JUST DONE SOMETHING FORWOMEN AWARD!

>> I HAVE THIS ONE ALREADY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: GOOD NIGHT!