Anthony Griffith & Wayne Federman

  • 02/24/1992

THAT READ, "SANDRA, GAVETHE SAME NOTE TO SOMEONE ELSE

BUT I DON'T THINKYOU'LL GET IT."

WELL, SURPRISE.

SO HERE IT IS AGAIN, THIS WAY.

"I'M THE ONE IN THE KERCHIEF.

"I WEAR IT BECAUSE I HAVETHE LONGEST HAIR IN THE WORLD--

12 FEET-- DIANE WITT,WORLD RECORD HOLDER."

NOW, DIANE...I KNOW THIS IS ASKING A LOT

IT'S PUTTING YOU ON THE SPOT,HONEY, BUT CAN WE SEE YOUR HAIR?

Audience:YEAH! YEAH!

( cheering )

PLEASE.

NOTHING... NOTHINGWOULD MAKE ME... DIANE...

NOW, DIANE, PLEASE DON'TMAKE ME WALK OFF THIS STAGE.

DIANE!

( audience hooting )

DIANE, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLYGIVE ME THAT NOTE

AND NOT EXPECT METO WANT TO SEE YOUR HAIR?

COME ON!

( whistling )

DIANE!

( hooting )

IF YOU DON'T SHOW ME...IF YOU DON'T SHOW US THE HAIR

I WILL LOSE ALL CONFIDENCEIN MANKIND AND WOMANKIND.

PLEASE, JUST A QUICK...

YEAH, GO FOR IT, GO!

GO!

WHY?

WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME ABOUT ITIF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO SEE IT?

YOU'RE BLOWING MY MIND!

YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART.

I'M BEGINNINGTO THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

SHE WANTSA PRIVATE PERFORMANCE FOR ME.

NO, PLEASE?

DIANE, THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT.

( cheering )

( chanting: )GO! GO! GO! GO!

Bernhard ( chanting ):DIANE! DIANE! DIANE! DIANE!

HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!

( audience clapping to beat )

WAIT! I HAVE TO TELL YOUTHAT SHE HAS

THE SAME LOOK ON HER FACETHAT WHEN PEOPLE HAVE TO DECIDE

BETWEEN DOOR NUMBER ONE,TWO OR THREE.

AND HER FIANCE/HUSBAND/LOVER ISREALLY TRYING TO TALK HER INTO

DOOR NUMBER TWO,BUT SHE'S RESISTING.

WELL, TIME IS ALMOST UP.

WE CAN'T FIGHT WITH YOU.

WILL YOU SHOW USTHE HAIR OR NOT?

COME ON, WHY NOT?

( audience booing )

AT LEAST TELL ME WHY NOT.

WHY NOT?

WHAT'S THAT?

Man:IT'S HARD TO GET ITSET BACK RIGHT...

Man:WE'LL PAY FOR IT.

HONEY, I WILL BRING DOWNHAIR AND MAKEUP PEOPLE.

I HAVE... I HAVE A MAJORHAIR PERSON BACK THERE

WHO WILL ROLL IT BACK UP FOR YOUIF YOU'LL JUST LET IT DOWN.

I SWEAR, JON...

JONATHAN!

( cheering )

JONATHAN!

( clapping )

JONATHAN, JONATHAN,ARE YOU BACK THERE?

WHERE ARE MY HAIR PEOPLE,FOR CHRIST'S SAKES?

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LOOK,YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'D LOVE TO SEE IT

AND MY HAIR PEOPLE WILL PUT ITBACK UP FOR YOU.

DIANE!

( audience chanting )

YOU KNOW...

YOU GOT ALL THAT HAIR ANDYOU JUST DON'T WANT TO SHARE.

( laughter )

HAVEN'T BEEN HERE SINCE,ACTUALLY THE RIOT, MYSELF.

I WASN'T HERE FOR THE RIOT.

MY WIFE WAS, AND SHE CALLED ME:

"TONY, THEY'RE BURNINGAND STEALING EVERYTHING.

I'M AFRAID TO GO OUT."

I'M, LIKE, "JUST REMAIN CALM.

"IF YOU HAVE TO GO OUT,PLEASE BE CAREFUL

AND IF YOU CAN, GET ME A TV."

A SALE IS A SALE.

SOME LOOTERS WERE PICKYABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

I SAW ONE GUY BREAK INTOA SHOE STORE

AND HAD THE NERVETO TRY ON THE SHOES FIRST.

BROTHER LOOKINGIN THE MIRROR LIKE THIS.

IS THIS ME, MAN?

YOU HAD EVERYBODYSTEALING SOMETHING--

BLACK, WHITE, HISPANIC, JEW.

I EVEN SAW A KOREAN GUYWITH A FAKE AFRO WIG ON...

ROBBING HIS OWN STORE.

( laughter )

DIDN'T EVEN HAVETHE RIGHT HAIR COLOR.

HAD THAT MULTICOLORED WIG.

LOOKED LIKE A PSYCHEDELICLINK FROM MOD SQUAD.

BUT ALL POLICE AREN'T BAD.

I WAS ARRESTED FORATTEMPTED MURDER IN CALIFORNIA.

I WAS WORKING OUTAT A HEALTH SPA

AND I WAS IN THE PROCESS

OF TAKING OFFMY GYM SHOES AND SOCKS

AND THE POLICE CAME UP TO ME

AND SAID, "YOU'RE UNDER ARRESTFOR ATTEMPTED MURDER"

AND I JUST STARTED LAUGHING.

I WAS, "OFFICER,I KNOW MY SOCKS STINK

BUT THEY DON'T SMELL THAT BAD."

MY FATHER USED TO TELL ME

"ONE DAY YOUR GYM SOCKSARE GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY."

I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE DAY.

THEY TOOK ME TO THE HOSPITALTO BE IDENTIFIED BY THE VICTIM

BUT I SAWTHE VICTIM WAS DELIRIOUS.

HE JUST LOOKED UP AT MEAND STARTED SAYING

"MAMA? MAMA, IS THAT YOU?"

AND I PLAYED RIGHT ALONG:"YEAH, IT'S ME, BABY."

( laughter )

I WASN'T GOING TO JAIL, MAN,NOT AS SKINNY AS I AM.

NOPE, IT'S NICE TO BE LOVED,BUT... YOU KNOW.

NOW THEY HAND OUT CONDOMSTO INMATES IN PRISON

WHICH I FAIL TO UNDERSTAND.

MAYBE I'M NAIVE

BUT I DON'T THINK AN INMATETRYING TO MAKE LOVE TO ME

WOULD BE THAT CONCERNEDABOUT SAFE SEX.

I CAN'T PICTURESOMEONE ON TOP OF ME GOING

"DON'T WORRY, BROTHER,I'M WEARING A CONDOM."

"OH, WELL, AT LEASTYOU'RE SHOWING ME YOU CARE."

AM I SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY?

"OH, IN THAT CASE."

( laughter )

THAT'S CRAZY.

YOU GOT TO BUY ME DINNER FIRST.

BECAUSE I WAS BOOED OFFSTAGELAST WEEK, MAN...

AT A BENEFIT.

( laughter )

SO I WAS BOOED OFFSTAGEFOR FREE.

EVERYBODY BOOED ME, EVEN THEPOSTER CHILD BOOED ME OFFSTAGE.

HE WAS IN THE CORNER GOING,"YOU SUCK.

GET OFFSTAGE, YOU SUCK."

AND HE WAS HOOKED UPTO AN OXYGEN TANK

THAT'S WHAT BLEW ME AWAY.

HE LITERALLY HAD TO TAKEA BREATH IN ORDER TO BOO ME.

( inhales )

"BOO!"

( laughter )

( inhales )

"YOU SUCK."

I WAS, LIKE, "SCREW YOU, MAN,I CAME HERE FOR YOUR BENEFIT.

I HOPE THEY NEVER FINDA CURE NOW."

THAT'S WHEN EVERYBODYGOT PISSED.

PEOPLE STARTED THROWINGTHEIR ARTIFICIAL LIMBS AT ME.

DEAF MUTES WERE BOOING MEIN SIGN LANGUAGE.

( laughter )

THEN THEY TRIEDTO THROW ME OFFSTAGE

BUT NOBODY'S WHEELCHAIRCOULD GET UP THE STEPS.

( imitating motorized wheelchair )

"IF I HAD LEGS,I'D KICK YOUR BUTT."

"STAY RIGHT THERE, I'M COMING."

( imitating whir )

"SOMEBODY GET MEOUT OF THIS CORNER."

( laughter )

THAT'S A TRUE STORY, MAN.

KIDS HAVE IT SO HARDNOWADAYS, THOUGH, MAN--

ALL THE CRIME AND THE DRUGS OUT.

I THINK ONE WAY TO HELP THEYOUNG GENERATION FIGHT DRUGS

IS THAT IF YOU SIMPLY SHOW THEM

PICTURES OF WHAT WE USED TO WEARIN THE '60s AND THE '70s...

"YOU SEE THIS SHIRT

"WITH THE COLLAR GOINGALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE ELBOW?

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENSWHEN YOU TAKE DRUGS."

( laughter )

THAT'S A FUNNY MOVIE, MAN.

THAT'S THE BRITISH VERSION

OF HOW THEY CONQUEREDTHE ZULU NATION.

YOU HAD A MILLION ZULU WARRIORS

AND FIVE BRITISH SOLDIERSWHO KILLED EVERYBODY.

NEVER RELOADED ONCE, AND ALLTHE GUYS WOULD DIE THE SAME:

( imitates gunshot )

( imitates man speaking Zulu )

( gunshot )

( imitates Zulu )

THEN THEY'D JUST STARTMAKING UP THINGS TO SAY.

"OOLAY FOO-FOO SEA MFUA."

( laughter )

( gunshot )

"KRIS KROSS WILL MAKE YA."

( laughter )

"DADDY MAC WILL MAKE YA."

THEY WEREN'T EVENREAL ZULU WARRIORS, MAN.

THEY WERE JUST GUYS FROM,LIKE, 42nd AND CRENSHAW.

THEY WERE THROWING SPEARS.

YOU SEE ROLEX WATCHES STILLON THEIR HAND

L.A. RAIDER CAPS STUCKIN THEIR BACK POCKET.

I DON'T KNOW.

I LIKE PERFORMING.

I MAJORED IN THEATER IN COLLEGE.

MY SCHOOL PUT ON PLAYS LIKE OKLAHOMA, ANNIE GET YOUR GUN--

PLAYS IN WHICH I REALLY COULDN'TSHOWCASE ALL MY TALENT.

I JUST GOT TIREDOF SAYING THINGS LIKE

"MO' BISCUITS, SIR?"

( applause and laughter )

I DID A LOT OFTHINGS IN COLLEGE.

I PLAYED A LITTLE BASKETBALL--VERY LITTLE.

I WAS KNOWN AS THE "MINUTE MAN."

"COACH, CAN I PLAY NOW?"

"IN A MINUTE, MAN, IN A MINUTE."

( laughter )

I EVEN TRIED BODY-BUILDING

BUT I THINK YOU CAN ONLYEXCEL IN BODY-BUILDING

IF YOU HAVE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

THAT CAN ONLY COME ABOUTDUE TO CONSTIPATION.

I MEAN, FACES LIKE THESE.

( laughter )

( laughter )

( laughter and applause )

I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD CLAPOR GIVE THEM A BOX OF PRUNES.

"GO AWAY, MAN,IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

GO TO THE BATHROOM, MAN."

I LIKE BOXING, TOO, MAN,ESPECIALLY GEORGE FOREMAN.

HE SCARES ME, THOUGH.

GEORGE NAMEDALL HIS KIDS AFTER HIM.

HE GOT FIVE BOYSALL NAMED GEORGE.

DAUGHTER NAME IS GEORGETTE.

YOU CAN'T TELL ME

BOXING DOES NOT AFFECTTHE MIND AFTER THAT, MAN.

I WOULD NEVER FIGHT GEORGE,EVEN IF I HAD TO CHOOSE

BETWEEN FIGHTING GEORGEOR MY MOTHER.

MY MOTHER WOULD GET WHOOPED.

I'D BE IN THE RING GOING,"STAY DOWN, MAMA."

I'VE NEVER HIT MY MOTHER.

I TRIED TO HIT MY MOTHER ONCEAND SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID

"IF YOU EVER HIT ME, THAT WILLBE THE LAST THING YOU EVER DO."

AND I KNEW SHE WAS DEAD SERIOUS

JUST BY THE WAYSHE COCKED THAT GUN TO MY HEAD.

FOR REALLY GOING OVERBOARDWITH THIS

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM

COMMUNITY THEATER.

IF PSEUDOLUS COMES OUT OFTHIS DOOR OVER HERE

JUST... TELL ME,JUST TELL ME A LITTLE BIT.

WELL, THOSE SITTINGTHERE IN FRONT

SEE THAT I SUFFER A LITTLE BITFROM COMBINATION SKIN.

( chuckling )

I HAVE THE T-ZONE.

IT'S IN A LOWER-CASE T,BUT IT'S A ZONE

AND I DIDN'T THINK MY SKIN WASTHAT OILY UNTIL LAST SUMMER.

I WAS ON THE BEACH WALKING ALONG

AND ACTUALLY A SEA GULLGOT CAUGHT RIGHT HERE.

MY FACE IS REALLY BAD.

A GUY FROM GREENPEACEHAD TO COME DOWN.

HE GAVE ME A CITATION.

HE WIPED IT OFF, LET IT GO.

I DON'T LIKE THE BEACH ANYMORE

BECAUSE I'M AFRAID OF THEWHOLE SUN ACTUALLY HURTING ME

SO I HAVE TO GET THE SUNBLOCK 75

WHICH NOT ONLYCOMPLETELY BLOCKS THE SUN

BUT ACTUALLY MAKES IT RAIN,IT'S REALLY...

( laughter )

THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THINGI'VE EVER WRITTEN.

SO... I'M SERIOUS...BUT I LIKE DOING IT.

I LIKE DOING ITBECAUSE IT'S THAT SPECIAL...

I'VE BEEN LIFTING WEIGHTS--

NOT THE WHOLE WEIGHTS, BUT THECLAMPS THAT SECURE THE WEIGHTS.

CURLING THOSE.

NO, I TAKE THAT LITTLE BOLT OUT.

YOU KNOW WHY-- TONE, OTHERWISEYOU BULK UP WAY TOO MUCH.

JUST TONE.

MAYBE I DIDN'TSAY IT LOUD ENOUGH.

I LIVED IN NEW YORK FOR AWHILE

WHERE I STUDIED ACTING WITHTHE MASTER, LEE... MAJORS.

SO THAT WAS REALLY... GOOD.

IT'S GOOD FOR ME.

HE'S MORE THAN STEVE AUSTIN,LET ME TELL YOU.

I'LL MAKE A LITTLE CONFESSION,BECAUSE I FEEL A LOT OF SUPPORT.

I EAT AT FAST-FOOD RESTAURANTS.

A LOT OF PEOPLEMAKE FUN OF McDONALD'S.

I EAT THERE ALL THE TIME.

MY GIRLFRIEND WON'TEVEN GO INTO McDONALD'S.

SHE JUST SITS IN THE CAR YELLINGAT ME, "HOW CAN YOU GO IN THERE?

THE FOOD'S SO GREASY,THE FOOD'S SO SALTY."

"WELL, THE FOOD IS READY

"AND THAT'S WHY I GO THERE,ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY I'M THERE."

BY THE WAY, THAT WAS MYFICTIONAL COMEDY ACT GIRLFRIEND.

OKAY, SO...

( laughter )

HOW COME I'M HAVING TROUBLEWITH THE STAND?

IS SHE THAT STRONGTHAT SHE CAN...?

IT'S LIKE,SANDRA HAS TIGHTENED IT UP

AND WAYNE COULDN'TREALLY UNDO IT.

THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

THE SLOGAN OF McDONALD'S SHOULDBE NOT "OVER 80 BILLION SERVED"

JUST ONE GUY BEHINDTHE COUNTER GOING

"IT'S READY, HERE'S YOUR FOOD.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE,CHEESEBURGER?"

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LOOK.

( whispers: )I'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE.

( laughter and hooting )

ONCE I ORDERED WATERIN THAT RESTAURANT.

THE KID... THAT WAS THE BREAKS.

HE COMPLETELY PANICKED.

IT WAS, LIKE,"OKAY, WHAT WAS THAT, WATER?

"SAY IT AGAIN?

"YOU'LL HAVE WATER, JUST WATER?

"NOW, ARE YOU SAYING'WHAT' OR 'WATER'?

"DID YOU ORDER OFF THE BOARD?

"BECAUSE WHAT, IT'S AN ITEM?

OKAY, WATER."

OR DID I SAY THAT?

IT WAS TOUGH GROWING UPIN FLORIDA

BECAUSE ALL OF MY FRIENDSWERE RETIRED

SO IT WAS REALLY HARD.

I COME HOME FROM SCHOOL.

IT WAS LIKE, "WAYNE,HOW WAS YOUR DAY AT SCHOOL?"

"GOOD, IS THAT CATARACTTHING CLEARING UP AT ALL?"

MY BIRTHDAY PARTIES, OF COURSE,WERE HORRIBLE.

EVERY YEAR WE'D HAVE TO PLAYTHAT SAME BIRTHDAY GAME

THE "PIN THE TAIL

ON THE BASTARD WHO STOLEMY BUSINESS OUT FROM UNDER ME."

I HATED THAT GAME.

I WASN'T MUCH OF AN ATHLETEGROWING UP.

I WAS THE KID WHO WOULD STRIKEOUT EVERY TIME... IN KICKBALL.

AND IT ALWAYS SEEMED

LIKE I WAS THE LAST PERSONPICKED FOR A SPORTING EVENT.

LIKE, TAKE THE TWOMOST POPULAR KIDS.

THEY GET TO BE CAPTAINS.

LIKE, WE'RE IN THE THIRD GRADE,THEY'RE ALREADY GETTING LAID.

WHY DO THEY GET TO BE CAPTAINS?

IS THIS FAIR?

( laughter )

THE REST OF US, WHAT DO WE DO?

WE STAND BY THE FENCELIKE SOME SORT OF SLAVE TRADE

WAITING TO GET PICKED.

AND IT'S LIKE, I KNOWI'M NOT GOING IN THE FIRST ROUND

BUT I FIGURE SIXTHOR SEVENTH ROUND, I'M A STEAL.

SUDDENLY THERE'STEN PEOPLE LEFT.

LIKE, OKAY,THEY DON'T SEE ME... FIVE.

NOW IT'S JUST MEAND THE KID IN THE WHEELCHAIR.

HE ROLLS OUT.

THEN THEY COME UP WITH

SOME SORT OF COMPROMISETO ALLOW ME TO PLAY.

IT'S LIKE,"OKAY, WE GET FEDERMAN

"BUT WE GET FOUR OUTSWHEN HE'S UP.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, WAYNE."

I MISS MY BICYCLEMORE THAN ANYTHING.

I HAD THE COOLEST BIKE,I HAD A SCHWINN.

HIGH HANDLEBAR, BANANA SEAT,SPARKLES IN THE SEAT

TASSELS COMINGOUT OF THE HANDGRIP.

I DON'T KNOW THE MODEL.

I THINK IT WAS CALLEDTHE "TAKE MY LUNCH MONEY"

I THINK, I DON'T KNOW,I DON'T REMEMBER.

THAT BIKE...I USED TO RIDE, OOH!

AND I DIDN'T HAVETHE HAND BRAKES.

THEY WERE SO COOL.

I HAD THE FOOT BRAKES WHICHWERE REALLY QUITE DANGEROUS

BECAUSE IF YOUR FEET WEREN'TIN THE RIGHT POSITION

YOU COULDN'T BRAKE.

YOU HAD TO PEDAL INTO THE PERSONYOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID

TO GET TO THE BRAKING POINT.

I READ IN COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE

THAT MEN AND WOMEN FINDSATIN SHEETS IN BED VERY SEXY

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHYI AM NOT GOING TO BE BUYING THEM

BECAUSE THAT'SWHAT I NEED IN MY BED

IS ANOTHER THING TO MAKE MEEJACULATE MORE QUICKLY.

NO, THANK YOU.

NO, THANK YOU.

( laughter and applause )

I'LL JUST STICK WITHTHE SMURF SHEETS, YOU KNOW.

I CAN... I CAN LAST A COUPLEOF MINUTES WITH THESE GUYS.

THAT'S WHY LINGERIETOTALLY BACKFIRES WITH ME.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME,SITTING AT THE EDGE OF MY BED.

I WISH THIS WAS A FICTIONALCOMEDY ACT, BUT IT WASN'T.

A REAL GIRL, LISA,KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.

"WAYNE, I HAVEA SURPRISE FOR YOU."

SO I'M THINKING POP-TARTS,YOU KNOW, BECAUSE...

I LOVE THOSE SO MUCH.

( laughter )

ANYWAY, SHE COMES IN THE ROOMWITH THIS OUTFIT.

IT WAS LIKE, "OKAY,DON'T MOVE, DON'T..."

"I JUST FINISHED.

"THANK YOU, THAT...

"YOU BREATHED, YOU INHALED,THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

"YOU'RE WEARING THAT.

"THAT'S FOR ME?

"THAT REALLY WORKED.

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I WAS...

"DID YOU GET ANY KIND OFENJOYMENT OUT OF IT AT ALL?

"MAYBE WHENYOU WERE PUTTING IT ON

"JUST FASTENING IT A LITTLE BIT?

"LET ME GIVE YOU SOME MONEY.

CAN I MAKE YOUA GRILLED CHEESE, SOMETHING?"

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