CC Presents: Corey Holcomb

  • 07/21/2005

MY NAME IS COREY HOLCOMB AND

WE'RE GONNA START THE SHOW OUT

ON AN HONEST NOTE, OKAY?

I WANT TO LET ALL THE COUPLES

HERE NOW THAT YOU AIN'T GONNA

MAKE IT UM...

[LAUGHTER]

WE ARE WASTING EACH OTHER'S

TIME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

SPLIT THE BILL AND GET THE

HELL AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, OKAY?

JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOU SOME

COURT MONEY BUT ANYWAY...

TO ALL OF THE SINGLE LADIES

THAT DECIDED TO COME OUT TO THE

COREY HOLCOMB SHOW, I WANT

YOU TO KNOW THAT OPPORTUNITY

IS AVAILABLE FOR YOU WHEN

THIS THING IS OVER.

UH...

I SHOULD LET YOU KNOW

RIGHT AWAY, I HAVE A

$40 SEX-PURCHASING LIMIT.

AND IF WE GO GET SOMETHING

TO EAT, THAT'S COMING OUT OF

YOUR $40.

DON'T BLOW IT ALL IN ONE SPOT.

[LAUGHTER]

ANY OF YOU WHO DISAGREE WITH

THE $40-DEAL, I WANT YOU TO GO

UM TO THE BOOKSTORE WHEN

THE SHOW IS OVER AND UH

YOU WILL FIND THEY HAVE RELEASED

A KELLY'S BLUE BOOK FOR WOMEN.

AND A LOT OF YOU SHOULD NOT

BE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE $40!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I MEAN UM...

I WAS READING THE BOOK THE

OTHER DAY, IF I REMEMBER RIGHT,

I THINK IT SAID 31 YEAR OLD

WOMAN, DIVORCED, BAD ATTITUDE

TWO KIDS AND A C-SECTION SCAR.

[LAUGHTER]

ACCORDING TO THE BOOK,

YOU WORTH $9!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S A $31 MARK UP COMING

FROM ME.

[APPLAUSE]

LOOK LIKE I'M THE ONE GETTING

MESSED OVER, ANYWAY...

LOOKING OUT IN THE CROWD,

WHAT'S UP FELLAS?

I SEE A LOT OF YOU GUYS

BROUGHT YOUR GIRL TO THE SHOW.

GOT TO BE PHONY ALL NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK AT YOU JUST SITTING THERE

BEHAVING.

LADIES, DO YOU THINK THAT'S HOW

HE ACTS WHEN YOU NOT AROUND?

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE PERFORMING

TONIGHT, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES, WHEN YOU COME TO

THE SHOW WITH US, WE CAN'T

BE OURSELVES.

THERE'S THINGS WE DO WHEN

YOU'RE AROUND THAT WE CAN'T DO

WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND.

LIKE FOR EXAMPLE, EVERY GUY

IN HERE LIKES TO LOOK AT

THE CUTE GIRLS, BUT BECAUSE

YOU HERE, HE'S SITTING THERE

LOOKING STUPID.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK AT YA.

[SIGHS]

THERE'S A WAY TO DO EVERYTHING.

FELLAS, IF YOU WANT TO LOOK AT

THE CUTE GIRL, ALL YOU GOTTA DO

IS TALK BAD ABOUT HER THEN

YOU CAN LOOK AT ALL YOU WANT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NAH, I'M SAYING, I...

[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES]

YEAH, I DO IT ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T CARE WHO I'M OUT WITH.

I KNOW HOW TO PLAY IT OFF,

I BE LIKE, "BABY, HOW IS SHE

OUT HERE WITH HER TITTIES

ALL OUT THE DRESS LIKE THAT?"

[LAUGHTER]

"NO, I'M SAYING THAT IS VERY

DISRESPECTFUL THE WAY SHE IS

CARRYING HERSELF OVER THERE

LIKE THAT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"HEY, LET ME ASK HER WHY

SHE GOT THAT ON LIKE THAT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD LUCK TO ALL THE GENTLEMEN

THAT ARE OUT ON THE FIRST DATE.

I KNOW HOW TOUGH THAT IS.

'CAUSE I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT,

HA, HA, AND YOU SCARED TO ASK

FOR IT.

YA KNOW AND YOU BASICALLY

SPENDING YOUR MONEY GOING OFF

HOPE.

OH, LADIES YOU DON'T KNOW HOW

DEVASTATING IT IS AT THE END

OF THE NIGHT WHEN YOU GIVE US

THAT LITTLE HUG GOODBYE.

UHHH.

[AS WOMAN] "I HAD A NICE TIME."

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I ASK FOR SEX WHEN I SHOW UP

AT THE DOOR FOR THE FIRST DATE.

AND IF I AIN'T GETTIN' NONE

THAT'S COOL LADIES 'CAUSE

REMEMBER THAT'S YOUR BODY AND

YOU DON'T OWE ANYBODY YA KNOW.

BUT THIS CHANGES THE DATE

DRAMATICALLY THOUGH, YA KNOW.

IF I AIN'T GETTING NONE,

YOU HAVE A $10 DATE SPENDING

LIMIT.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT MEANS YOU HAVE ENOUGH

FOR A COUPLE OF DRINKS

OR YOU CAN HAVE A BALL

AT THE DOLLAR STORE, YA KNOW.

HOWEVER YOU WANT TO BLOW THAT

$10 OFF YA KNOW THAT'S YOURS

TO PLAY WITH.

IF YOU WANT I CAN GIVE YOU

THE $10 RIGHT NOW AND JUST GO ON

ABOUT MY BUSINESS.

THIS IS REALLY A WASTE OF

BOTH OF OUR TIMES.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I SUGGEST YOU GO FOR THE

$40 DEAL THAT WILL WORK OUT

BETTER FOR THE BOTH OF US.

SEE I AIN'T NO GOOD.

I'LL LET YOU KNOW THAT

RIGHT AWAY, I AIN'T NO GOOD,

SO I LOOK FOR WOMEN THAT AIN'T

NO GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WANT A GOOD WOMAN, MAN.

A GOOD WOMAN BRINGS MY SPIRIT

DOWN.

EVERYTHING I DO IS MESSED UP

WHENEVER I'M WITH A GOOD WOMAN.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

"YOU JUST GETTING IN THE HOUSE?"

"OH, HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO."

GET YOU A GIRL THAT AIN'T

NO GOOD FELLAS, THAT WAY YOU GOT

LEVERAGE IN THE ARGUMENT.

SHE BE LIKE, "WHERE YOU BEEN?"

I BE LIKE, "WHERE YOU BEEN?"

[LAUGHTER]

"YEAH, YOU GOT HER TEN MINUTES

BEFORE I DID!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOUR MOTOR WAS STILL CLICKING

WHEN I WALKED IN THE DOOR."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK IT'S A GOOD THING,

LADIES, WHEN YOU KNOW A GUY'S

NO GOOD IN THE BEGINNING.

I GIVE YOU EVERY WARNING.

I'M THAT GUY, YOU BREAK UP

WITH ME I'LL MOVE ACROSS

THE STREET WITH THAT CHICK

YOU DON'T LIKE.

I'M OUT THERE ON THE PORCH

WITH HER LIKE...

"HEY.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M STILL IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD."

YEAH.

[KISS ON CHEEK]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T KNOW BREAKING UP IS NOT

AN EASY THING TO DO...

FOR SOME PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT BREAKING UP DOWN TO A

SCIENCE.

I REMEMBER I WANTED TO GET RID

OF THIS ONE GIRL, I JUST STARTED

PEEING IN THE BED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SEE SOME OF YOU SENSITIVE

LADIES OUT THERE LOOKING AT ME

FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER]

LET ME SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE

TO THE SENSITIVE WOMEN WHO ARE

HERE TODAY, WHO CAN'T TAKE

A JOKE.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETHING POSITIVE TO THE

SENSITIVE LADY, UM...

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

[EXHALES]

GOOD LUCK, I MEAN I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU,

LIFE IS ROUGH UM.

I GOT ADVICE, LADIES UM

IF YOU OUT ON A DATE WITH A GUY

THAT YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX WITH

THERE'S SOME VERY IMPORTANT

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW.

NOW THE GUY WHO'S WITH YOU

HE WANTS TO TELL YOU ALL

THIS STUFF BUT HE DOESN'T WANT

TO BLOW THE DATE FOR HIMSELF.

SO I WILL ACT AS HIS

SPOKESPERSON, IF I MAY.

LET YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING

RIGHT NOW.

LADIES IF YOU'RE OUT ON A DATE

WITH A GUY YOU HAVEN'T

SLEPT WITH, PLEASE KEEP YOUR

CONVERSATION TO AN ABSOLUTE

MINIMUM.

'CAUSE AIN'T NOBODY LISTENING

TO NOTHIN' YOU TALKING ABOUT.

UNTIL WE GET SOME WE CAN'T

COMPREHEND THAT STUFF THAT'S

COMING OUT YOUR MOUTH!

YOU'RE JUST AN ANNOYING SOUND

COMING FROM THE PASSENGER SIDE

OF THE CAR.

SHUT THE HELL UP IS BASICALLY

THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

NAH, SERIOUSLY THOUGH.

I MEAN THINK ABOUT THAT

CONVERSATION YOU GUYS HAD ON THE

WAY DOWN HERE.

DO YOU THINK HE WAS LISTENING

TO ANY OF THAT STUFF?

HA, HA!

"MY SON GOT ALL A'S ON HIS

REPORT CARD..."

I DON'T GIVE A RAA...

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN THIS DRINK MONEY GONNA

KICK IN, THAT'S WHAT I WANT

TO KNOW.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'M REALLY NOT A COMEDIAN.

I'M A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE THE GHETTO DR. PHIL

IF YOU WILL.

FOR EXAMPLE LADIES, CLAP YOUR

HANDS IF YOUR MAN HAS AN

ERECTION PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER]

A LOT OF SMART WOMEN OUT HERE

IN NEW YORK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T WANT TO GET BACK SLAPPED

AT THE COMEDY SHOW, HUH?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I THINK IT'S TIME WE TALKED

ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT.

LADIES, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

ERECTION PROBLEMS IN MOST CASES

ARE JUST MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

PROBABLY NOTHING WRONG WITH

THE GUY AT ALL, HE'S JUST TIRED

OF YOU IN PARTICULAR.

OR HE JUST GOT SOME BEFORE

HE CAME IN THE HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M JUST TRYING TO SAY WE DON'T

NEED VIAGRA, WE NEED VARIETY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT ANYWAY, I KNOW I'M PROBABLY

UM ROUGH ON THE COUPLES

OUT HERE.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A

PLAYER HATER, IF YOU KNOW WHAT

THAT MEANS?

ARE THERE MARRIED COUPLES HERE?

CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU'RE

MARRIED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF YOU.

I GOT MARRIED A COUPLE OF MONTHS

AGO.

I NEEDED SOME HEALTH INSURANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT MY CHECK UP AND I GOT

THE HELL OUT OF THAT MESS.

MAYBE YOU GOT MARRIED FOR LOVE

THOUGH DON'T JUDGE ME, OKAY?

YOU THE SUCKER.

[LAUGHTER]

MARRIAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING

THOUGH.

I THINK THEY NEED TO CHANGE

THE MARRIAGE VOWS.

MARRIAGE VOWS ARE OUTDATED

AND THEY DON'T APPLY TO WHAT'S

GOING ON NOWADAYS IN SOCIETY.

I CAN GIVE SOMEBODY AN HONEST

WEDDING.

I WOULD LOVE TO UNITE A COUPLE

IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

[LAUGHTER]

"DEARLY BELOVED,

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO

UNITE THIS FOOL'S BANK ACCOUNT

INTO THIS WOMAN'S POSSESSION.

IF THERE'S ANYONE HERE

WHO THINKS THEY CAN TALK

SOME SENSE INTO THIS FOOL,

LET THEM SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER

SAY IT BEHIND THEIR BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU FOOL, UH,

PROMISE TO MAKE THIS

YOUNG LADY OUT TO BE EVERYTHING

SHE AIN'T...

UNTIL BANKRUPTCY, LOSS OF

APPETITE AND DEPRESSION

DO YOU PART?"

[LAUGHTER]

"HOW 'BOUT YOU YOUNG LADY?

DO YOU PROMISE TO SHOW THIS MAN

WHAT AN ANGRY WOMAN

AND CORRUPT CHILD SUPPORT SYSTEM

CAN DO TO SOMEBODY'S

SELF-ESTEEM?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU,

FUTURE ENEMIES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS HELPFUL INFORMATION.

I WANT ALL THE LADIES THAT

IF YOU'RE NOT MARRIED

CHANCES ARE YOU ARE PART OF

SOME GUY'S ROTATION.

[LAUGHTER]

"NOT ME!"

YES YOU.

ALL GUYS HAVE A ROTATION.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT THAT NAIVE

LADIES, DID YOU REALLY THINK

IT WAS YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND

AND IT WAS Y'ALL AGAINST

THE WORLD?

NO.

THE AVERAGE GUY HAS FIVE WOMEN

IN HIS ROTATION.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT FELLAS,

YOU CAN DISCREDIT ME IN THE CAR

ON THE WAY HOME OKAY?

THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW, REMEMBER?

[LAUGHTER]

BACK TO THE JOKE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

UM, THE AVERAGE GUY HAS

FIVE WOMEN IN HIS ROTATION

AND BECAUSE I CARE YOU ABOUT

YOU LADIES, I'M GOING TO BREAK

ALL FIVE WOMEN DOWN IN A

GUY'S ROTATION SO MAYBE YOU CAN

FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE?

MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU GUYS

ARGUE ALL THE TIME 'CAUSE

YOU'RE SPEAKING IN SOMEBODY

ELSE'S PLACE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

C'MON, FELLAS.

IT'S TIME...

[APPLAUSE]

IT'S TIME TO SPILL THE BEANS.

C'MON FELLAS, YOU KNOW HOW

IT GOES.

YOU GOT YOUR NUMBER ONE GIRL.

THAT'S THE ONE YOU LOVE.

YOU WANT THINGS TO WORK OUT

WITH HER.

SHE TALK A LOT OF SMACK

BUT YOU GOT TO REMEMBER,

IT IS HER HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

NUMBER ONE IS IN THE

DRIVER'S SEAT BUT IT'S OKAY.

IT GETS FUN AFTER THAT RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU GOT YOUR NUMBER TWO

GIRL, THAT'S NORMALLY THAT

REAL CUTE CHICK, THAT THINK

SHE NUMBER ONE.

HA, HA, HA, HA!

WHAT SHE DON'T REALIZE IS

ALL SHE GOT ON YOU IS A

CELL PHONE NUMBER.

YOU CHANGE THAT SHE WON'T

EVEN KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOU!

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, LOOK AT ALL THE NUMBER

TWOS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GOT YOUR NUMBER THREE GIRL.

THAT'S THE ONE YOU BEEN MESSIN'

WITH ON AND OFF FOR YEARS.

SHE'S REAL COOL.

SHE WOULD BE YOUR NUMBER ONE

GIRL.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING WRONG

WITH HER YA KNOW.

HER HAIR WON'T GROW OR

SHE'S MUSTY OR SOMETHING.

HA, HA, HA, HA!

BUT SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL PERSON...

IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FULL BEARD,

SHE'D BE YOUR NUMBER ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOT YOUR NUMBER FOUR GIRL.

THAT'S NORMALLY A FAT CHICK

WITH GOOD CREDIT.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WILL COSIGN ANYTHING

FOR YOU.

SHE BE AT THE CAR LOT WITH HER

BIG ASS, BE LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT YOUR NUMBER FIVE GIRL.

THAT'S YOUR BOOTY CALL CHICK.

SHE AIN'T HERE TONIGHT.

SHE DON'T GO NOWHERE.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT

A COMEDY SHOW OR NOTHIN' YOU'RE

DOING.

SHE GOES TO WORK AND SHE COMES

HOME AND SHE WAITS FOR YOU

TO CALL.

IT DON'T MATTER HOW LATE

YOU CALL, SHE ALWAYS LET YOU

OVER.

YOU CAN BE OUT WITH A GIRL

THAT'S ACTING FUNNY WITH YOU

TONIGHT.

YOU DON'T CARE.

YOU CAN TAKE THE FUNNY ACTING

CHICK HOME AND CALL NUMBER FIVE

AT TWO IN THE MORNING.

DRUNK, LAUGHING.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[ANSWERS IN SLEEPY VOICE]

[GIGGLING]

"HELLO."

"HEY, IT'S BIG DADDY, BABY.

YEAH, BABY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE,

COME DOWN STAIRS AND OPEN THE

DOOR, OKAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T FEEL GUILTY FELLAS,

THIS IS HOW WE ALL DO IT

AROUND THIS COUNTRY.

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS JUST YOU,

DIDN'T YOU?

IT'S OKAY FELLAS, DON'T FEEL

GUILTY.

THIS WAY YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE

DEALING WITH.

THERE'S NO STRANGERS IN YOUR

LIFE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE OUT THERE

WITH NEW PEOPLE AND DISEASES.

NOW IF A DISEASE POPS UP IN THIS

SYSTEM...

THAT MEAN YOU GOT TO HAVE A TEAM

MEETING.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU LIKE, "HEY, HEY,

LISTEN HERE, SOMEBODY IS

MESSIN' UP, OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE IS A SELFISH INDIVIDUAL

IN THE GROUP HERE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU ALL TO LOOK OVER ME TONIGHT

I HAD ROUGH CHILDHOOD.

THEY THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY

SO THEY HAD ME IN THAT, YA KNOW

THAT SPECIAL CLASSROOM BACK IN

GRAMMAR SCHOOL?

THEY GOT 'EM EVERYWHERE.

YA KNOW THE SPECIAL ED,

THE ROOM THAT ONLY HAS LIKE

EIGHT, NINE KIDS IN THERE.

TWO OF 'EM ARE CROSS-EYED.

ONE OF 'EM GOT A REAL BIG HEAD.

YOU GO ON A LOT OF FIELD TRIPS.

ALL OF 'EM SMELL LIKE PEE.

YOU KNOW THAT CLASSROOM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT ADVICE FOR MEN AS WELL AS

LADIES OUT HERE IN THE DATING

GAME.

FELLAS, IF YOU'RE OUT HERE IN

THE DATING GAME, I WANT YOU

TO INVEST IN A CAMERA PHONE

BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU

NEED PROOF THAT THINGS WERE

CONSENSUAL.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU CAN FIND YOURSELF IN A

WORLD OF TROUBLE IF YOU DON'T

HAVE PROOF.

I TOOK IT A STEP FURTHER.

I HAVE A TEDDY BEAR WITH A

VIDEO CAMERA IN HIS EYEBALL.

WHENEVER IT WINKS, THAT'S WHEN

IT'S IN RECORD MODE.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT COREY, DON'T WORRY

ABOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I JUST DO IT FOR PROTECTION

LADIES, YA KNOW, IN CASE THERE'S

ANY SEXUAL MISUNDERSTANDINGS AND

THIS THING GOES TO COURT, I GOT

VIDEO TO PROVE MY INNOCENCE.

AND I'M NOT SHY I WILL PUT

THE VIDEOTAPE IN FOR THE WHOLE

COURTROOM TO SEE...

PROUDLY.

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES O

DATING GAME, I WANT YOU TO KNOW

IF YOU'RE OVER 30 STILL TALKING

ABOUT MEN AIN'T NO GOOD...

IT'S YOU, BABY!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE ENEMY IS IN THE MIRROR.

AND ANOTHER THING, LADIES,

MAKE SURE YOUR BOYFRIEND

DOES NOT HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR

CELL PHONE.

I HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE WITH

THAT.

I CALLED A GIRL WHEN I GOT HERE

TO NEW YORK, THAT I KNOW OUT

HERE.

I WAS LIKE "HEY, IT'S COREY,

I'M IN TOWN.

HA, HA, HA, HA!

WE GONNA DO OUR THING."

YOU KNOW ALL THAT.

THEN FIVE MINUTES LATER

THIS DUDE CALLED MY PHONE BACK.

HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, HEY, HEY MAN,

LOOK HERE, WHAT THE HELL

YOU WANT?"

I WAS LIKE "I WAS JUST TRYING

TO GET IN TOUCH WITH OUR GIRL.

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU MUST BE THE DUDE ON THE

PICTURE IN HER LIVING ROOM.

THAT'S A NICE TATTOO.

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY, DON'T TAKE ME THE

WRONG WAY, LADIES.

I LOVE YOU.

I WANT YOU TO STAY IN SCHOOL

AND UH...

[LAUGHTER]

KEEP GETTING THOSE GOOD JOBS

BECAUSE GUYS LIKE ME NEED

A PLACE TO LAY UP AND PRACTICE

PLAY STATION WHILE YOU AT WORK

MY HIGH SCORE DEPENDS ON YOU,

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

ALSO LADIES, IF YOU THINK

I'M SEXY CAN YOU PLEASE LET ME

KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

SO I CAN CALL THIS OTHER CHICK

SO I CAN TELL HER I AIN'T GONNA

MAKE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T CARE HOW YOU LOOK

BY THE WAY.

I'M NOT INTO LOOKS.

I JUST NEED TO SEE YOU AS SOON

AS POSSIBLE SO I KNOW HOW MUCH

MONEY TO TAKE OUT OF THAT ATM

TO PURCHASE ALCOHOL.

I NEED TO KNOW IF I NEED A

COUPLE MORE SHOTS OF COGNAC

OR A LONG ISLAND I.V. IMPLANTED

INTO MY ARM, OKAY?

I'M COREY HOLCOMB Y'ALL,

TAKE IT EASY.

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