Extended - Thursday, November 17, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 11/17/2016

Willam Belli, Justin Martindale and Bridget Everett rap about Thanksgiving, list #ThanksgivingMovies and ponder eroticist Chuck Tingle in this extended, uncensored episode.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY

SUCKSGIVING, SUCKSGIVING.

SO...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)IF YOU POKE AROUND ON YOUTUBE,

YOU'RE GONNA NOTICE SCORES OFILL-CONCEIVED THANKSGIVING

PARODY SONGS FROM THEATRE SCHOOLDROP-OUTS TRYING TO GO VIRAL.

NOW...

(LAUGHTER)YOU KNOW WHO MAKES GOOD SONGS,

LIKE, QUALITY SONGS ABOUT FOOD?

WEIRD AL YANKOVIC, AND THAT ISIT.

>> YEAH.

>> YES.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: HE IS THE

DEFINITIVE VOICE IN THAT REALM.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE HIS PLACE.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE BETTER THANAL.

AL IS IT.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ATHANKSGIVING SONG, AND FOR 250

POINTS, YOU HAVE TO ANSWER AQUESTION ABOUT IT.

FIRST UP-- HERE'S A... HERE'S APARODY FOR FRUSTRATED MOMS.

>> ♪ NOW WATCH ME SIPMY CHARDONNAY-NAY

WATCH ME SIP, SIP♪ MY CHARDONNAY-NAY

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN COOKIN'SINCE 4:30... ♪

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: IT'S, UH...

IT'S...

THIS IS THE MOM WHO'S BABIES GETWASTED AFTER NURSING.

(LAUGHTER)UH, COMEDIANS, WHAT'S HER

THANKSGIVING PRAYER?

BRIDGET.

>> DEAR LORD, I DRINK NOT JUSTTILL I BLACK OUT, BUT UNTIL I

WET THE BED.

THANK YOU, JESUS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)WILLAM.

>> UH...

(LAUGHTER)>> DEAR OFFICER, HOW MUCH CAN'T

COULD A WHITE GIRL CAN'T IF AWHITE MOM COULDN'T CAN'T EVEN?

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)OH, VERY GOOD. YEAH, VERY GOOD.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)JUSTIN.

>> DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THECLOWNS TAKE THE KIDS INTO THE

WOODS THIS YEAR.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)PLEASE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP-- A VIDEO

WITH A MESSAGE.

>> ♪ NEW...

WORLDTHIS GRUDGE

CAN'T LAST FOREVER... ♪>> OH.

>> ♪ STOLE MY LAND >> ♪ SO TELL ME WHAT

YOU HATING FOR ♪>> ♪ STOLE MY LAND...

(LAUGHTER)>> NO.

NO.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NO!

>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, YOURCHALLENGE-- SAY SOMETHING NICE

ABOUT THIS VIDEO.

WILLAM.

>> THIS IS FROM "NOW THAT'S WHATI CALL GENOCIDE."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> SLOW JAM.

>> HARDWICK: VOLUME FOUR.

BRIDGET.

>> WELL, IT'S REAL STEP UP FROMHIS BLACK-FACE VIDEO, SO THERE'S

THAT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

JUSTIN.

>> AND I WAS GONNA, RAPE ANDPILLAGING SOUND AMAZING WITH

AUTO-TUNE PERSONALLY.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: YEAH, I MEAN, THEY

REALLY...

>> RIGHT THERE. IT'S UP THERE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

YOU'RE SITTING AT HOME SAYING,"CHRIS, THIS SEGMENT NEEDS MORE

TERRIBLE WHITE RAPPERS."

WELL, HERE YOU GO, MOTHERFUCKERS!

>> ♪ UH, OHTHANKSGIVING IN MY HOUSE

I LOVE IT♪ WHEN YOU'RE CARVING BIG TURKEY

YEAH, MY STOMACH'SSTARTIN' TO GROWL

FOR THAT SAVORY FOWL... ♪(LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, WE KNOWHE LIKES IT WHEN YOU CALL HIM

"BIG TURKEY."

WHAT ARE SOME OF THIS GUY'SOTHER NICKNAMES?

JUSTIN.

>> NOTORIOUS S.H.I.T.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)BRIDGET.

>> WHITER MACKLEMORE.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)WILLAM.

>> STRAIGHT OUTTA PASADENA.

>> HARDWICK: MM-HMM, YEAH.

MM-HMM, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NEXT UP IS A GENTLEMAN WHO SEEMS

TO HAVE MIXED UP HIS HOLIDAYS.

(STRUMMING GUITAR)>> ♪ THANKSGIVING DAY...

ALL YOU GOT TO KNOW ISIT'S THE THANKSGIVING SONG... ♪

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: AH.

HE'S PUT THE TINSEL ALL OVER THEFILE CABINET WHERE HE KEEPS THE

PORN.

IT'S EVEN MORE BAFFLING HE'SWEARING CHRISTMAS CLOTHES.

HE'S SINGING THANKSGIVING SONGS.

AND I WANT TO POINT OUT, HEPOSTED THIS IN MAY.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

MAY 25.

>> WHAT A WEIRDO.

>> HARDWICK: HE'S VERY...

HE NEEDS HELP.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS THIS GUYTHANKFUL FOR?

WILLAM.

>> THANKFUL THAT MEGAN'S LAWDOESN'T APPLY TO GIRLS NAMED

MEGAN.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

UH, BRIDGET.

>> THANKFUL THAT INTERNET PORNCAN'T TURN HIM DOWN.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)JUSTIN.

>> HE'S THANKFUL FOR HATECRIMES.

>> HARDWICK: HE'S... ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)NOW, SINCE I'M A MERCIFUL HOST,

FOR OUR LAST ENTRY, I'M GONNASHOW YOU A THANKSGIVING SONG

THAT IS ACTUALLY PRETTY FUCKIN'DOPE.

HERE'S A REMIX OF A GOSPELSERMON FROM REMIX GOD SUEDE.

>> ♪ I GOT BEANS, CREAMSPOTATOES, TOMATOES

LAMB, RAMS, HOGS, DOGS♪ BEANS, CREAMS

POTATOES, TOMATOESCHICKEN, TURKEY

RABBIT... ♪(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: ♪ BEANS, CREAMSPOTATOES, TOMATOES... ♪

COMEDIANS, I SHALL NOW DROP WHATWE WOULD REFER TO IN THE

BUSINESS AS A NASTY BEAT, AND INTHE STYLE OF SHIRLEY CAESAR,

YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME WHAT SIDESYOU'RE HAVING FOR THANKSGIVING.

UH... LET'S BEGIN.

WILLAM.

♪ (WHOOPING)

(LAUGHTER)♪ I GOT TURDUCKEN

MOTHERFUCKIN'AND SOME FORESKIN

♪ AND SOME GRAVY, ENOUGH XANAXDOWN WITH VODKA

MAKE YOU THINK THATI'M A LADY. ♪

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> OOH! OOH!

>> HARDWICK: PERFECTION.

PERFECTION.

>> OOH!

>> I'M GONNA GO HOME NOW.

>> OOH!

OOH! SHE CAME THROUGH ON THATONE. OH!

>> YEAH, SHE DID!

>> OH! OH!

>> HARDWICK: THIS PIE IS HOT OUTOF THE OVEN!

>> AS IT SHOULD BE!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, FOLLOWTHAT, JUSTIN MARTIN.

♪ >> OKAY. (CLEARS THROAT)

♪ I GOT AN UNCLE, HE'S DRUNKHE VOTED FOR TRUMP

HE DON'T SHUT UP, I'M GONNAPUNCH HIM IN THE DICK. ♪

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, THATDOESN'T... YEAH.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> I'M VERY WHITE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> I'M VERY WHITE.

>> HARDWICK: I'LL GIVE YOU...

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

UH, BRIDGET.

>> OKAY.

♪ (LAUGHTER)

♪ I GOT CHARDONNAY, CHARDONNAYCHARDONNAY, CHARDONNAY

CHARDONNAY, CHARDONNAY♪ CHARDONNAY, CHARDONNAY

CHARDONNAY, CHARDONNAYCHARDONNAY, CHARDONNAY

♪ CHARDONNAY, CHARDONNAYI'M DRUNK...! ♪

(CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: AH...

THAT'S PERFECT!

>> CHARDONNAY ALL DAY!

>> HARDWICK: YOU SHOULD, UH, YOUSHOULD TAKE THAT LADY'S KIDS.

FROM THE EARLIER VIDEO.

(CHEERING)(INDISTINCT SHOUTS, WHOOPING)

>> I JUST WANT MINE TO BE WHEREHERS ARE.

(LAUGHTER)>> WE ALL DO, BRIDGET, WE ALL

DO.

>> HARDWICK: THERE, YOU CAN JUSTHAVE... YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> IT'S THANKSGIVING.

>> HARDWICK: I JUST, UH...

BY THE WAY...

WITH A...

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

>> THEY'RE BETTER WARM, CHRIS,THEY'RE BETTER WARM.

>> HARDWICK: I JUST WANT TOPOINT OUT THAT, UH, UNCRUSTABLES

MAKE GREAT TITS.

IF YOU ARE IN THE MARKET...

>> YEAH.

FUCK THOSE MOON PIES.

>> HARDWICK: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU-- YOU'VEALREADY EATEN HALF OF YOUR BOOB.

>> YOU DON'T DO GLUTEN?

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: IT IS NOW TIME...

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)THERE ARE COUNTLESS CLASSIC

MOVIES ABOUT HOLIDAYS.

CHRISTMAS-- A CHRISTMAS STORY.

HALLOWEEN-- HALLOWEEN.

FLAG DAY-- PAUL BLART 2.

BUT... WHAT ABOUT THANKSGIVING?

BESIDES PLANES, TRAINS ANDAUTOMOBILES, THERE'S PRACTICALLY

NOTHING.

HOW COME TURKEY DAY IS A REALTURKEY WHEN IT COMES TO CINEMA?

WELL, WE THOUGHT WE WOULDADDRESS THAT DEFICIT WITH

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG#THANKSGIVINGMOVIES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE-- CHILDREN OFTHE CORNUCOPIA, AND...

>> SO BAD.

>> HARDWICK: ...CRANBERRY CRANROSS.

UH, I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

WILLAM.

>> DARK MEAT RISING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JUSTIN MARTINDALE.

>> HOW STELLA GOT HER GRAVYBACK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BRIDGET EVERETT.

>> STUFFING PRIVATE RYAN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

WILLAM.

>> TO WONG FOO, THANKSGIVING FOREVERYTHING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BRIDGET.

>> TOILET STORY.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

MARTINDALE.

>> TYLER PERRY PRESENTS MADEA'SBLACK FRIDAY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)BRIDGET.

>> TOILET STORY 2: GREEN EGGSAND BAM!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JUSTIN.

>> THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE KIDSTABLE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

WILLAM.

>> FANTASTIC MEATS AND WHERE TOFIND THEM.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

JUSTIN MARTINDALE.

>> DON'T TELL MOM THEBABYSITTER'S DEAD AND I'M GAY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

NOW... WE ARE GOING TO TAKE ANUNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE LOOK AT A

BEFUDDLING ONLINE TREND, IN ASEGMENT WE CALL, @MIDNIGHT DEEP

DIVE.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)THE INTERNET, IT HAS SOMETHING

FOR EVERYONE... TO MASTURBATETO.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> HARDWICK: NOWHERE IS THISMORE TRUE THAN ON AMAZON, WHERE

AMAZONIAN AUTHORS PRODUCEDIGITAL STORIES, WHERE HUMANS

GET IT ON WITH DINOS, GRYPHONS,AND ALL MANNER OF BEASTIE, BOTH

HISTORICAL AND MYTHICAL.

>> AW.

>> HARDWICK: BUT THE MASTER OFTHE GENRE IS A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE

NAMED CHUCK TINGLE, WHO, SINCE2014, HAS WRITTEN OVER 80

MICRO-NOVELS WITH TITLES LIKE,SPACE RAPTOR BUTT INVASION,

OR CREAMED IN THE BUTT BY MYHANDSOME LIVING CORN.

(LAUGHTER)>> I'M LISTENING.

>> YES, ME, TOO.

>> HARDWICK: AND MY FAVORITE,HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRANKENSTEIN,

NOW POUND MY BUTT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)THAT'S NOT FRANKENSTEIN.

THAT JUST LOOKS LIKE '70'S HULK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS A LINE THATYOU MIGHT READ IN THIS AMAZING

EROTIC HORROR TALE?

WILLAM.

>> FUCK ME SO HARD GENE WILDERCOULD FEEL IT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)UH, BRIDGET.

>> FIRE, BAD!

PAYING ATTENTION TO BALLS, GOOD!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK (LAUGHING): POINTS.

JUST... JUSTIN.

>> IT'S THAT SHOW, IT'S THATSHOW.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S THAT SHOW.

THAT'S FINE.

>> UH, FRANKENSTEIN VIOLENTLYRIPPED OFF HIS OWN HEAD SO HE

COULD EASILY SUCK HIS OWN DICK.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO IF YOUHAVE A REMOVABLE HEAD.

>> I MEAN! I MEAN!

>> HARDWICK: AND NOW THERECLUSIVE MR. TINGLE IS

INCREDIBLY PROLIFIC, CHURNINGOUT SUPER...

>> DAD!

>> HARDWICK: THERE HE IS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)THERE HE IS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)BUT WHO IS CHUCK TINGLE?

NO ONE KNOWS AND IT'S DRIVING MEFUCKING BANANAS.

I HAVE COMBED HIS BOOKS FORCLUES, FOR RESEARCH.

I'VE HAD...

(LAUGHTER)I'VE HAD MY ENTIRE STAFF HERE

SCOUR THE INTERNET.

I EVEN WENT TO THE PET STORE ANDSHOVED A GECKO UP MY BUTT,

HOPING HE'D APPEAR, BUT THE ONLYTHING THAT HAPPENED...

BUT THE ONLY THING THATHAPPENED WAS THAT I COULD NOT

STOP EJACULATING AND I SAVED 15%OR MORE ON MY CAR INSURANCE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)HERE'S WHAT WE DO KNOW:

HIS NAME IS MOST LIKELY APSEUDONYM.

HIS AUTHOR PHOTO IS SOME KIND OFSTOCK PHOTO FROM A STOCK PHOTO

SITE.

(COMEDIANS EXCLAIMING)SO COMEDIANS, WHAT'S A TITLE FOR

A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION THATMIGHT USE THESE STOCK PHOTOS?

BRIDGET.

>> OH, THAT LOOKS LIKE LIFEAFTER YOUR WIFE TAKES THE KIDS

AWAY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

UH, WILLAM.

>> TAE KWON NO THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JUSTIN.

>> DYING ALONE AND HOW TO DO IT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

SO... THE EAGLE-EYED TINGLEDETECTIVE WILL FIND SOME CLUES

ON HIS YOUTUBE CHANNELS.

SO LET'S TAKE A STILL FROM THETRAILER FOR HIS BOOK,

BUTTCEPTION, OF COURSE, THATBOOK WE LOVE, WHICH...

>> YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE?

>> HARDWICK: THERE'S A LOT MORE,JUSTIN.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE.

SO BUTTCEPTION FEATURES A HOUSEWITH THE ADDRESS 703.

I'M SURE YOU GUYS REMEMBER, 703.

SO HERE'S WHERE IT GETS WEIRD.

LISTEN, LISTEN. THIS IS SERIOUS.

>> HERE'S WHERE IT GETS WEIRD.

>> HARDWICK: HERE'S WHERE ITGETS WEIRD.

>> THE HOUSE, THE HOUSE.

>> HARDWICK: THIS IS THE WEIRDPART.

>> I'M LISTENING.

>> HARDWICK: CHUCK HAS TROLLEDMEN'S RIGHTS ACTIVIST VOX DAY,

WHO ONCE APPEARED ON THE PODCASTTHE TOM WOODS SHOW, EPISODE 703.

ALL RIGHT?

IN HIS VIDEOS, TINGLE ALSO WEARSA BAG ON HIS HEAD, JUST LIKE THE

PERFORMANCE ART PIECE BY SHIALABEOUF, WHO IS OFTEN LUSTED

AFTER ON TWITTER BY@MARYJANE703, WHO LIVES WHERE?

IN ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA, AREACODE 7-0 FUCKING 3.

>> OH!

>> HARDWICK: THERE IS MORE.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

SCOOP YOUR BRAINS BACK INTO YOURHEADS, BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA NEED

THEM TO PROCESS THIS SHIT.

IF THAT DOESN'T BLOW YOUR MINDS,OF THE 703 PEOPLE WATCHING THIS

SHOW, THEN HOW ABOUT THIS?

IN THE 50TH EDITION OF THECATHOLIC UNIVERSITY LAW REVIEW,

WE FOUND A CASE THAT HAS TO DOON SODOMY ON PAGE 703.

THE NAME OF THAT CASE?

BOWERS VERSUS HARDWICK.

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

I'M IN THIS, TOO.

(LAUGHTER)FIRST OF ALL, I WAS INNOCENT.

SECOND OF ALL, THE ONLYEXPLANATION THAT I HAVE, UH, IS

TO BE THE SUBJECT OF HIS NEXTBOOK.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT SHOULD BE THENAME OF MY TINGLE STORY?

WILLAM.

>> JINGLED OUT BY SINGLED OUT,PART TWO.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)VERY GOOD-- BRIDGET.

>> UH, TINGLE ME ELMO, CHRISHARDWICK GETS SOFT.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

>> (AS ELMO): SOMEBODY MUST'VEGOTTEN IN COLD WATER.

UH, JUSTIN.

>> ACTION FIGURES I'VE SAT ON,ON PURPOSE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

UH, SO YOU CAN SEE I'M VERYPASSIONATE ABOUT THIS, SO I

WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO CHUCK,HIMSELF.

CHUCK... CHUCK, IF YOU'RE OUTTHERE, I ADMIRE YOUR PROLIFIC

NATURE, UH, AND INSANECREATIVITY.

AND I WOULD LIKE NOTHING MORETHAN TO BE THE SUBJECT OF ONE OF

YOUR EROTIC YARNS THAT YOU SPINON THE AMAZON.

IN FACT, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU AFUCKING COVER IMAGE TO START THE

PROCESS.

CAN WE SET THE MOOD?

DISCO BALL, ALL RIGHT?

I NEED SOME...

(WHOOPING)I NEED SOME DINO-HUNKS.

CAN I GET SOME DINO-HUNKS INHERE, PLEASE?

I'D LIKE SOME DINO-HUNKS.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)♪

>> THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: YES, VERY GOOD.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING)THIS IS FOR YOU, CHUCK.

THIS SHOULD GET YOUR CREATIVEJUICES FLOWING.

PUT ME ON YOUR BOOK.

GO WRITE YOUR MASTERPIECE.

GUYS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO TWEETCHUCK TINGLE.

ALL RIGHT, TWEET CHUCK TINGLE,AND TELL HIM CHRIS HARDWICK, BE

VERY SPECIFIC, CHRIS HARDWICKDESERVES TO HAVE HIS BUTT

POUNDED BY SOME WEIRD CREATURE,OR OBJECT.

MAKE IT HAPPEN.