Extended - Thursday, August 18, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 08/18/2016

Finalists Flula Borg, Gina Yashere and Milana Vayntrub vie for the gold in @midnight's Non-Trademark-Infringing International Competition in this extended, uncensored episode.

IT'S BEEN A WILD WEEK HERE INRIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL WHERE WE

DEFINITELY ARE WITH OURCOMEDIANS FIGHTING TOOTH AND

NAIL FOR A SPOT IN TONIGHT'SFINAL AT THE

NON-TRADEMARK-INFRINGING,COINCIDENTALLY OLYMPIC-STYLE

TOURNAMENT.

PLEASE DON'T SUE US.

(LAUGHTER)ALREADY THIS WEEK, WE'VE

ELIMINATED A RUSSIAN, LEARNEDHOW MUCH CANADIANS SWEAT AND

SUSPENDED A COMPETITOR FORDOPING.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

A VERY DRAMATIC... VERY DRAMATICWEEK.

NOW WE'RE LEFT WITH THREE OF THEWORLD'S GREATEST COMEDIANS GOING

HEAD-TO-HEAD TO SEE WHO WILLBRING HOME THE GOLD AND WHO WILL

JUST BRING HOME ZIKA.

(LAUGHTER)THEY'RE GONNA TAKE IT HOME AND

SPREAD IT.

GONNA BE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

(LAUGHTER)FIGURE OUT WHICH LOVED ONES

YOU'D HAVE TO TAKE OUT WHEN THEYGET IT FIRST.

THEN LOOK AROUND AND FIGURE OUTWHO YOU'D HAVE TO REPOPULATE

WITH ONCE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSESTARTS.

(CHEERING)DON'T WORRY.

THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WILLPREVENT A TRUMP PRESIDENCY.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)LET'S MEET OUR FINALISTS.

FIRST UP, REPRESENTING GREATBRITAIN, THE NATION THAT BROUGHT

US MOVIES YOU GO SEE WITH YOURMOM, AND CHARMING WAYS TO SAY

THE WORD "CUNT"-- IT'S GINAYASHERE.

(GRAND ORCHESTRAL THEME PLAYS)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

NEXT UP, REPRESENTING GERMANY, APROUD NATION, BUT NOT TOO PROUD,

'CAUSE THEY KNOW IT MAKES YOUNERVOUS-- FLULA BORG!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)HELLO.

>> HI.

>> HARDWICK: OH, YOU'RE ON THE,UH... YEAH.

AND FINALLY, REPRESENTINGUZBEKISTAN, A NATION PROBABLY

KNOWN FOR ITS... HATS... ANDLET'S JUST SAY AUTUMN GOAT

FESTIVALS PROBABLY-- MILANAVAYNTRUB!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)COMEDIANS, NOW THAT YOU ARE

WITHIN REACH OF BRINGING YOURNATION ETERNAL GLORY, HOW WILL

YOUR HOME COUNTRIES CELEBRATEYOUR VICTORY?

GINA.

>> WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I'M FROMGREAT BRITAIN, AND WE GIVE BACK.

SO, WHEN I WIN...

(YASHERE GIGGLES)...UH, WE WILL BE GIVING OUT

FREE ENGLISH LESSONS TO ALLAMERICANS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> YES.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT THE HELL?!

>> IT'S...

LISTEN, YOU'VE BASTARDIZED THELANGUAGE.

IT'S "HERB," NOT "'ERB."

IT'S "HERB!">> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, UH,

FLULA BORG?

>> OH, UH, SORRY, CHRIS.

ACTUALLY, WE ARE STILL NOTALLOWED TO CELEBRATE ANYTHING,

SO...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OKAY. FAIR ENOUGH.

FAIR ENOUGH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)MILANA VAYNTRUB.

>> UH, WE'LL CELEBRATE THE SAMEWAY WE DO EVERYTHING, CHRIS--

WITH NO MEDIA COVERAGE.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: PERFECT.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)IT'S BEEN A LONG, HARD-FOUGHT

WEEK, AND CONGRATULATIONS,COMPETITORS, YOU'VE MADE IT TO

THE FINALS.

YOU'RE STILL FIGHTING FOR THEGOLD, SO IT'S TIME TO PROVE THAT

YOU'RE THE BEST OF THE BEST ANDCAN HANDLE ANY COMEDIC CHALLENGE

THROWN AT YOU, NO MATTER HOWRANDOM, NO MATTER HOW DUMB.

THAT IS WHY TONIGHT'S HASHTAG ISGONNA BE DECIDED RIGHT BEFORE

YOUR VERY EYES.

DO TWO RANDOM SUBJECTS THROWNTOGETHER TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT!

LET'S SEE WHAT IT COMES UP WITH!

SPIN! AND WE GET...

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)BIRD! TV!

BIRDTV!

>> WHOO, WHOO, WHOO.

>> HARDWICK: THIS HASHTAG HAS ADEGREE OF DIFFICULTY OF 8.7, SO

YOU'LL REALLY HAVE TO WORK TOMAKE THESE FUNNY.

BIRDTV. EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:BIRDHOUSE OF CARDS;

AND: HEN & STIMPY.

HERE WE GO.

MILANA.

>> DOCTOR... (HOOTS): WHO.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)FLULA.

>> SONS OF HENARCHY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GINA.

>> COCKATOO AND A HALF MEN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

GINA.

>> PETS AND THE CITY.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

MILANA.

>> THE SQUAWKING DEAD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS!

FLULA.

>> ORPH-HEN BLACK.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

GINA.

>> HOW I PECK YOUR MOTHER.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

MILANA.

>> BETTER CAW-CAW-L SAUL.

>> HARDWICK (LAUGHING): POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)FLULA.

>> HEN-NY DREADFUL.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

GINA.

>> MAKING A BIRD-ERER.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

FLULA.

>> IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY SIDE UP INPHILADELPHIA.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS. GINA.

>> SO, YOU THINK TOUCANS DANCE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

VERY GOOD.

FLULA.

>> LAW AND ORDER AND BIRDS.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)(HARDWICK LAUGHS)

>> HARDWICK: GODDAMN IT.

NBC HAS BEEN BASHED BY OLYMPICFANS FOR ITS SPOTTY,

AD-SATURATED BROADCAST, BUT OVERIN SOUTH KOREA VIEWERS ARE ANGRY

FOR A DIFFERENT REASON: SEXISTCOMMENTATORS.

ACCORDING TO THE HOLLYWOODREPORTER, COMMENTATORS IN SOUTH

KOREA HAVE MADE REMARKS LIKE"IT'S REMARKABLE THAT A FEMALE

ATHLETE HAS MADE SUCH ANACHIEVEMENT, AND SHE'S NOT EVEN

MALE."

AND... "SHE DESERVES ANAPPLAUSE, ALL THE MORE SINCE SHE

IS SO PRETTY."

UH... HE IMMEDIATELY WON THEMEDAL FOR LEAST LAID

COMMENTATOR.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TOPUT YOURSELF IN THE SHOES OF AN

OLYMPIC BROADCASTER AND GIVE MEAS MANY HORRIBLE COMMENTATOR

LINES AS YOU CAN.

IT'S VERY CLOSE RIGHT NOW, IT'SANYONE'S GAME, ONE PERSON WILL

BE ELIMINATED AFTER THIS, UH, IN60 SECONDS, AND BEGIN.

MILANA.

>> SHE'S LUCKY HER HUSBAND LETHER COME OUT HERE AND WIN THAT

GOLD MEDAL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GINA.

>> THERE'S THAT SEXY BRAZILIANGYMNAST-- I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME,

BUT I'D LOVE TO PUMMEL HISHORSE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MILANA.

>> SHE'S ON HER PERIOD?

DON'T THEY HAVE TO DRAIN THEPOOL NOW?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GINA.

>> IT'S THE 100-METER DASHFINAL-- WHY IS THAT WHITE GUY

EVEN THERE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

FLULA.

>> BOY, THOSE VOLLEYBALL PLAYERSSURE ARE MISTREATING MY FRIEND

WILSON.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

FLULA.

>> BOY, SINCE I ARRIVED HERE, MYURINE HAS TURNED FROM CANARY

YELLOW TO A VERY DARK BURNTSIENNA.

IT'S... OH, ARE WE ON?

HELLO, BOY, NICE DUNK, KEVINDURANT!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

MILANA.

>> GUESS HOW MANY MARATHONRUNNERS HAVE BEEN INSI...

AND WE'RE BACK!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, POINTS.

THAT IS THE END OF COMMENT-ALPROBLEMS.