Tuesday, September 22, 2015

  • 09/22/2015

Justin Willman, Doug Benson and Ron Funches rebrand Volkswagen with a new slogan, pitch #NewMuppetPlotlines and learn how to be the life of a party circa 1986.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )YOU KNOW, WITH SO MUCH

HORRIBLE STUFF IN OUR CULTURERIGHT NOW, WHAT AMERICA

NEEDS IS A HATE VESSEL, AUNIVERSALLY RECOGNIZED PIECE OF

(BLEEP) WE CAN ALL DESPISEWITHOUT REMORSE.

WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WEHAVE FOUND SAID PIECE OF

( BLEEP ).

IT IS THIS MAN.

>> BOO!

>> Chris: YEAH, GET ALLSPRINGER ON IT, YOU GUYS!

THAT IS TURINGPHARMACEUTICALS C.E.O. MARTIN

SHKRELI. IN AN APPARENT BID TOOUST DONALD TRUMP AS ASSHOLE

KING, SHKRELI BOUGHT THERIGHTS TO A LIFE-SAVING AIDS

DRUG AND THEN RAISED THE PRICEALMOST 6000%,

FROM $13.50 TO $750 PER DOSEJUST [BLEEP]IN' 'CAUSE.

>> I MEAN, THE AIDS DRUG THINGIS BAD, BUT I THINK THE WORST

THING HE DOES IS LISTEN TOFLO-RIDA.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Chris: 100 POINTS TO RON.

JUST TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA, WE'RENOT-- WE'RE NOT JUST NAME

CALLING A GUY.

I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU THEOPPORTUNITY TO SEE WHAT TWINK

LEX LUTHOR HAS TO SAY FORHIMSELF!

>> THE COMPANIES BEFORE US WEREGIVING IT AWAY ALMOST.

THE PRICE THEY WERE PRICING ITAT--

>> $13.50.

>> 13.50, AND YOU ONLY NEEDEDLESS THAN 100 PILLS, SO AT THE

END OF THE DAY THE PRICE PERCOURSE OF TREATMENT TO SAVE YOUR

LIFE WAS ONLY $1,000.

SO THIS TALKING DICKSLIT SHOWSNO REMORSE. THIS IS KIND OF LIKE

IF THE DENTIST WHO SHOT CECILTHE LION WAS LIKE,

"YEAH I SHOT THAT LION, AND I'DDO THAT (BLEEP) AGAIN," AND THEN

HOPPED ON A RAZOR SCOOTER MADEOF STARVING BABIES.

THAT'S HOW BAD THIS IS.

COMEDIANS, WHAT'S THE NEXTDICKWAD MOVE FOR THIS MILLENNIAL

SUPERVILLAIN?

JUSTIN?

>> HE'S GOING TO BUY THE RIGHTSTO MEDICAL MARIJUANA, JACK UP

THE PRICE, AND PUT THIS GUY OUTOF BUSINESS.

>> Chris: ACTUALLY, BOTH OFTHEM.

YEAH.

>> BUT THEN-- BUT THEN ACLEAR-HEADED DOUG BENSON WILL

BEAT DONALD TRUMP FOR PRESIDENTAND IT'S GONNA BE ALL GOOD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Chris: ACTUALLY--

>> PLEASE DON'T MAKE MEPRESIDENT!

>> Chris: RON.

>> I'M SORRY, WHITE PEOPLE, BUTI HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT

COME OCTOBER 1, HE IS HORDINGALL THE PUMPKIN SPICE.

>> Chris: WHAT!

IF YOU SEARCH THE INTERNET FORGERMAN EMISSIONS LATELY YOU

PROBABLY GOT MORE BORING RESULTSTHAN USUAL.

VOLKSWAGEN JUST ADMITTED TOINSTALLING SOFTWARE IN 11

MILLION CARS THAT ALLOWED THEMTO CHEAT ON EMISSIONS TESTS.

IN FAIRNESS TO VOLKSWAGENEMPLOYEES-- THEY WERE JUST

FOLLOWING ORDERS.

THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING.

THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING.

THAT COULD MEAN-- TO MAKE THINGSRIGHT, V.W. HAS ALREADY SET

ASIDE $7.2 BILLION-- ORONE-EIGHTH OF GREECE.

SINCE VOLKSWAGEN IS CLEARLYGOING TO NEED REBRANDING IN

LIGHT OF THIS SCANDAL, WHATSHOULD THEIR NEW SLOGAN BE?

RON FUNCHES.

>> NOT THE WORST THING GERMANYEVER DID.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Chris: JUSTIN?

>> VOLKSWAGEN: HEY, AT LEAST WEDIDN'T JACK UP THE PRICE ON AIDS

MEDICATION.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, POINTS.

DOUG.

>> PASSING TESTS WITHOUTCHEATING IS FOR NERDS.

>> Chris: THAT'S THEIR WHOLEREBRANDING. THEY'RE JUST GONNA

OWN IT. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THE MUPPETS RETURNED TO

TELEVISION TONIGHT, BUT NOTEVERYONE'S HAPPY ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE WHY THE ( BLEEP ) WOULDPEOPLE EVER JUST BE HAPPY?

ONE MILLION MOMS, THEFANNY-PACK-WEARING VERSION OF

ANONYMOUS, IS BOYCOTTING THE NEW SHOW DUE

TO ADULT HUMOR AND "PERVERTEDNATURE."

NOT ONLY ARE THE MUPPETS JOKINGABOUT SEX AND DRUGS, BUT, I

MEAN, TECHNICALLY, THEY'RE ALSOCOMPLETELY NAKED AND CONSTANTLY

BEING FISTED.

SO I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S ALSOUPSETTING.

COMEDIANS, WE DON'T KNOW YETWHAT OTHER MOM-RAGE-INDUCING

STORIES THE SHOW WILL EXPLORE,SO THAT'S WHY TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS #NEWMUPPETPLOTLINES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:"FOZZIE IS SHAMED ON FACEBOOK

FOR TELLING A RACIST JOKE.WAKA WAKA." WAKA FLOCKA FLAME.

OR "SARAH PALIN TELLS BEAKER TO'LEARN TO SPEAK AMERICAN.'"

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK.

AND BEGIN.

YES, JUSTIN.

>> GONZO DROPS ACID IN VEGAS AND( BLEEP ) CRISS ANGEL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> ANIMAL GETS SHOT BY ADENTIST.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> JANICE GETS LIP REDUCTIONSURGERY.

>> DR. T FROM THE ELECTRICMAYHEM AND THE

STATUTORY RAPE CHARGE.

>> HEY I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS 18.

( LAUGHTER )>> HE SEEMS LIKE THAT TYPE.

>> STATLER AND WALDORF JOIN THELEMON PARTY.

>> Chris: DOUG.

>> GONZO GETS KIM DAVIS' JOB ANDSTARTS GIVING OUT MARRIAGE

LICENSES TO CHICKENS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

KIM DOESN'T THINK CHICKS SHOULDMARRY OTHER CHICKS.

RON.

>> THREE WORDS: KERMIT DICKPIC.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY "PARTYLIKE AN 80s SITCOM STAR."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IF THERE'S ONE THING THAT

EVERYBODY WORRIES ABOUT, IT'SHOW TO BE COOL AT A PARTY.

YO!

( LAUGHTER )LUCKILY, WE UNEARTHED THIS

INSTRUCTIONAL GEM ON YOUTUBEFROM EVERYBODY'S NOW FAVORITE

MALE "COSBY SHOW" CAST MEMBER,MALCOLM-JAMAL WARNER.

HE JUMPED THE RANK.

HE DID!

HE DID!

HE'S GOING TO GIVE TIPSAND TRICKS ON HOW TO BE THE LIFE

OF ANY 1986-ERA SOIREE. TAKE ALOOK.

>> I'M MALCOLM-JAMAL WARNER, ANDTHIS IS--

>> "SHOW OFF!" COOL STUNTS,TRICKS AND GAGS TO

AMAZE YOURFRIENDS!

>> Chris: IT'S ALREADYPRETTY GREAT.

>> WOW!

>> Chris: IT'S ALREADY PRETTYGREAT.

I WAS THIS KID.

I WOULD HAVE DONE THIS.

LIKE, I WOULD HAVE TRIED TO SHOWOFF AT PARTIES TO BAD RESULTS.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOUTWO TIPS AND FOR 250 POINTS I

WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHICH ONE ISA REAL PARTY HACK FROM THIS

GROSSLY OUTDATED VIDEONIGHTMARE.

FIRST UP: BEATBOXING OR ARMPITFARTING.

>> OH YOU GOTTA KNOW HOW TOBEATBOX IN THE STREETS.

>> OH YOU GOTTA KNOW HOW TOBEATBOX IN THE STREETS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Chris: THAT WAS-- THAT'S

WHAT YOU SEE WHEN GARY BUSEYASKS YOU TO MARRY HIM.

NEXT ONE: MOONWALKING OR WALKINGDOWN INVISIBLE STAIRS.

DOUG BENSON.

I MEAN, THIS IS JUST TO KEEP ITFUN AT PARTIES.

>> I MEAN, EVERY PARTY'S GOTPLENTY OF MOONWALKING, BUT IF

YOU CAN WALK DOWN INVISIBLESTAIRS, YOU'RE KILLING IT.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> YOU CAN DO THIS ANYWHERE YOUWANT TO.

YOU CAN DO IT BEHIND A COUNTER,BEHIND A SOFA, BEHIND THE COUCH,

BEHIND A SPEEDING MOTORBOAT.

JUST REMEMBER: MAKE SURE SOMEONEIS WATCHING YOU AND HAVE A GOOD

TIME.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Chris: OH, YEAH.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, LISTEN, GUYS,IF YOU'RE AT A BORING-ASS PARTY

AND JUST START DOING THIS,YOU'RE WALKING INTO A BASEMENT

OF PUSSY. LIKE THERE'S NO WAY--

USING A T-SHIRT TO IMITATE ASHEIKH OR MAKING A BEAUTIFUL

ROSE OUT OF A COCKTAIL NAPKIN?

RON?

>> THIS IS THE 80s, SO IREALLY IT WANT IT WOULD BE THE

SHEIKH, BUT AIN'T NOTHINGMORE ROMANTIC THAN MAKING A ROSE

OUT OF A COCKTAIL NAPKIN.

I'M GOING TO GO WITH THAT ONE.

>> Chris: WELL, RON-->> NO!

>> Chris: WE NEVER THOUGHT ITWOULD HAPPEN, BUT IT'S THE OTHER

ONE.

>> THIS IS WHAT A SHEIKH WOULDWEAR ON A FESTIVE OCCASION.

BUT FOR EVERYDAY USE, I JUSTTIE THE SLEEVES TOGETHER.

THE T-SHIRT SHEIKH IS SOCONVINCING YOU CAN EVEN FOOL A

CAMEL. NOW, IF I ONLY HAD A CAMEL.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS, I'VE NEVER BEENHAPPIER TO BE WRONG IN MY LIFE.

>> THAT GUY IS A REAL JABRONI.

>> Chris: LAST ONE, THE ART OFHAWAIIAN NOSE HUMMING OR HOW TO

MAKE A PEACE SIGN OUT OF BALLOONANIMALS?

JUSTIN WILLMAN.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH HOW TOMAKE A PEACE SIGN OUT OF BALLOON

ANIMALS BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO DOTHAT.

>> Chris: YOU DO KNOW HOW TODO THAT.

BY THEIR DEFINITION THAT WOULDNOT MAKE YOU THE LIFE OF THE

PARTY.

IT WOULD BE HAWAIIAN NOSEHUMMING.

♪ ♪( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> YOU DO THAT AT A PARTY ANDSOMEONE IS GOING TO GO, "WHY

DON'T YOU JOIN THAT OTHER GUYDOWNSTAIRS?"

>> Chris: YEAH.

WELL, THIS GUY CLEARLY JUST DID,LIKE, NINE LINES OF COCAINE.

HEY, WHERE IS THAT THEO COSBY!

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT SOME RECORDINGS FROM THE

GOLDEN AGE OF ANSWERINGMACHINES, AND I ASKED YOU TO

LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR THE KIND OFPERSOM WHO WOULD USE ONE OF

THESE RIDICULOUS TUNES ON THEIROUTGOING MESSAGE.

JUSTIN, YOU'VE GOT VAUDEVILLE.

>> I CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE.

(I CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE.)SO LEAVE YOUR NAME AT THE TONE.

(SO LEAVE YOUR NAME AT THETONE.)

AND SAY WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO SAY.

(AND SAY WHAT YOU'VE GOT TOSAY.)

>> HEY, JOHN HODGMAN, SORRY IMISSED YOU ON THE SHOW

YESTERDAY.

TELL PAUL F. TOMPKINS I NEEDMY SPATS BACK.

I ASSUME YOU OLD TIME DANDIESLIVE TOGETHER.

( APPLAUSE )>> Chris: RON, DO YOU ENJOY

RAP MUSIC?

THIS IS PERFECT FOR YOU, THEN.

♪ YOU CAN TELL ME.

ANYTHING YOU WANT♪ BUT WAIT

(HOLD ON)YOU GOTTA WAIT FOR THE TONE

♪ I'LL CALL BACKWHEN I GET BACK

♪ SO WAIT (HOLD ON)JUST WAIT FOR THE TONE ♪♪

( BEEP ).

>> YEAH, IT'S DOCTOR BOOM BOX,IT'S STAGE 4 CANCER.

NORMALLY, I WOULDN'T DO THIS,BUT YOU SAID I COULD LEAVE

ANYTHING ON THE PHONE.

MAN, THAT'S A ROCKIN' TUNE!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

DOUG BENSON.

♪ JUST LEAVE YOUR NAME ANDNUMBER

AND I'LL GET RIGHT BACK TO YOU(GET RIGHT BACK TO YOU)

( BEEP ).

>> AH, HEY, MAN, I'D LIKE TODATE YOUR COUSIN, BUT I JUST

THOUGHT I'D CHECK IN TO SEE IFYOU WERE STILL MARRIED TO HER.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Chris: VERY NICE.

AS WE GO TO

OUR NEXT GAME, "FASHION WEAK."

LAST WEEK, TEMPORARILY, THEINTERNET TRADED

PICTURES OF CATS AND FEDORAS FORPICTURES OF CATWALKS AND

THOUSAND-DOLLAR FEDORAS AS PARTOF NEW YORK FASHION WEEK.

AS EXPECTED, THE ANNUALGATHERING OF TOP DESIGNERS AND

HUMAN STICK BUGS INCLUDEDOUTFITS THAT EVEN BJORK WOULD

FIND MILDLY UPSETTING.

SO, COMEDIANS, WE'VE COLLECTEDSOME OF THE MOST MYSTIFYING

FASHION WEEK LOOKS, AND I'D LIKEYOU TO TELL ME WHAT THESE

OUTFITS ARE CALLED.

I'M STARTING THE CLOCK NOW.

FIRST ONE.

WHAT IS THAT?

JUSTIN?

>> SNAKE WITH TITS.

>> Chris: FINALLY, POINTS.

DOUG BENSON.

CARLY FIORINA GOES TO BURNINGMAN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

>> MAD MAX: FURIOUS BONER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

RON.

>> SPONGEBOB SQUARETITS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG.

BATH MAT KNEEPAD.>> CHRIS: POINTS

>> I CALL THEM LIKE I SEE THEM,CHRIS.

>> Chris: YOU SURE DID.