Ortiz, Eisenberg, Iseman, Caparulo

  • 02/03/2005

SO I ACTUALLY JUST CAME BACK

FROM ENGLAND.

AND I WAS WATCHING AN ENGLISH

VERSION OF THE SHOW COPS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT DIDN'T REALLY WORK BECAUSE

ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE SO POLITE.

THE GUY WAS LIKE--

[ENGLISH ACCENT] "HELLO, HELLO.

[LAUGHTER]

HELLO.

HELLO, YOU THERE.

HELLO?

HELLO?

PLEASE STOP.

[LAUGHTER]

PLEASE STOP RUNNING NOW.

I MUST SAY I'M GETTING VERY

WINDED.

OH, STOP.

[EXHALES]

ALL RIGHT, PUT YOUR HANDS ON TOP

OF THE VEHICLE.

[LAUGHTER]

PUT YOUR HANDS ON TOP OF THE

VEHICLE.

ARE YOU CALM?

[SILENCE]

WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

[LAUGHTER]

DRIVING AROUND TOWNS SQUARE LIKE

A MADMAN, SO ON AND SO FORTH,

WOMEN AND CHILDREN RUNNING FOR

THEIR LIVES.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW MANY CUPS OF TEA HAVE YOU

HAD?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Alex Ortiz: ORALE.

ORALE.

WHAT'S HAPPENING WHITE PEOPLES?

[LAUGHTER]

VERY NICE TO SEE YOU.

I SEE SOME BLACK PEOPLES, TOO.

HELLO, BLACK PEOPLES.

DO I SEE ANY LATINOS IN THE

HOUSE, LATINOS?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AHH, RIGHT!

I GOT BACKUP IN THIS PIECE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT MEXICAN.

I'M PUERTO RICAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF YOU CALL ME MEXICAN

I'M SUPPOSED TO GET MAD.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY.

[LAUGHTER]

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT

MYSELF.

I'M ORIGINALLY FROM THE SOUTH

BRONX IN NEW YORK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GREW UP IN CHICAGO.

I AM HALF BLACK, HALF

PUERTO RICAN, WHICH IS MESSED UP

'CAUSE YOU KNOW I WAS BORN A

SUSPECT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW ANY TIME SOMETHING WENT

WRONG THEY BLAME THE SPIGGER.

HA-HA.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, YOU'RE ENJOYING THAT WORD

WAY TOO MUCH, ALL RIGHT.

WHEN I SAY I'M HALF BLACK,

MY DADDY IS BLACK, BUT HE'S A

BLACK LATINO.

LIKE SAMMY SOSA.

Y'ALL KNOW SAMMY?

MY DADDY BLACK AS PITCH.

MY DADDY SO BLACK, HE USED TO

PLAY HIDE AND SEEK BY GETTING

NAKED AND DOING THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE WHAT I DO.

I LOVE BEING A COMEDIAN.

IT'S A GREAT JOB.

I USED TO BE A FIREFIGHTER

BEFORE I STARTED DOING THIS.

AND-- THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE FAVORITE THING ABOUT

MY JOB, MY FAVORITE THING IS

THAT I GET TO SIT AT HOME ALL

DAY AND WATCH TV.

AND MY FAVORITE THING ON TV IS

WHITE FOLKS.

OH, WHEN I TALK ABOUT--

I LOVE WHITE FOLKS.

WHEN I TALK ABOUT WHITE FOLKS,

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE ONES

IN THIS ROOM.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHITE FOLKS ARE MY FAVORITE

THING ON TV 'CAUSE IF YOU WANNA

SEE BLACKS AND LATINOS ON TV

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS TURN ON

COPS.

WHITE FOLKS GOT YOUR OWN

TV SHOW, THOUGH.

IT'S CALLED WHEN ANIMALS

ATTACK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS STUFF ONLY HAPPENS TO

Y'ALL 'CAUSE WE DON'T EVER PUT

OURSELVES IN THE POSITION THAT

WE GET MAULED BY A BEAR.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IF THERE'S A PUERTO RICAN IN

THE WOODS RIGHT NOW,

HE'S HIDING FROM THE DEA--

HE IS NOT LOOKING TO WRESTLE HIM

NO MORE.

YOU EVER SEE THAT DUDE GET HIS

BUTT WHOOPED BY THAT DEAR?

WHITE FOLKS ARE CRAZY.

I SEE THEM ON THE NEWS.

YOU SEE THEM ON THE NEWS ON CNN

DURING THE WAR?

WHITE FOLKS WAS DOING THIS--

[SOUND OF RAPID GUNFIRE]

"JOHN, WE'RE RIGHT HERE ON THE

FRONT LINES--

[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]

THEY KEEP SHOOTING OVER OUR

HEADS.

WE LOST ANOTHER CAMERA MAN TODAY

BUT WE'RE DEDICATED TO STAYING

RIGHT HERE TO BRING YOU ALL THE

NEWS."

DID YOU SEE IT ON SPANISH TV?

THERE'S A GUY STANDING THERE

GOING--

"DID YOU JUST SEE WAY OVER

THERE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHERE THE LIGHTS ARE GOING

TICKY TICKY TEE LIKE THIS?

THEY'RE SHOOTING.

BACK TO YOU, JULIO, WE AIN'T

GOING."

[LAUGHTER]

I SEEN THE WHITE LADY THAT WAS

INTERVIEWING A GUY THAT WAS

TRAINING BEARS.

AND THE BEAR WAS STANDING HERE.

AND THE TRAINER WAS ON THAT SIDE

AND SHE WAS OVER HERE.

AND SHE SAID "HOW LONG HAVE YOU

BEEN TRAINING BEARS?"

AND THE BEAR LOOKED AT HER AND

SAID, I KNOW THIS WITCH DID NOT

JUST--

AHHH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH

A MAN WITH A VAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I FORGOT TO ASK HIM HOW MUCH

IT WAS GONNA COST.

SO HE SHOWS UP AND I'M LIKE

"OH, MY GOD, HOW MUCH IS THIS

GONNA COST?"

HE'S LIKE "I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S IT WORTH TO YOU?"

I'M LIKE-- "WHAT?"

"YEAH, LET'S NEGOTIATE."

SO I WAS LIKE "ALL RIGHT,

50 BUCKS."

AND HE GOES "60 AND A DATE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS LIKE "70."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT ENDED UP COSTING ME 80 BUCKS

AND I LEARNED SOMETHING AND

THAT IS WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS

THEY'RE NOT GETTING LAID,

THEY DON'T HELP YOU MOVE.

NO.

THAT'S JUST YOU WITH THE BOX

AND THE BET.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE A ROOMMATE WHO IS VERY

YOUNG-- MUCH YOUNGER THAN ME

20 YEARS OLD.

AND SHE SAID ONE THING TO ME

THAT I WAS LIKE "OH, MY GOD,

YOU ARE SO YOUNG."

RIGHT WHEN I MOVED IN SHE SAID,

"LISTEN.

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE PARTYING

AROUND ME, OKAY?

SO I JUST NEED TO KNOW ARE YOU

SOMEONE THAT LIKES TO PARTY?"

I WAS LIKE "OH, MY GOD,

DO I LIKE TO PARTY?

UM, WELL, IF YOU CONSIDER

NURSING A GREY GOOSE WHILE

RESPONDING TO EMAIL

"PARTYING"...

[APPLAUSE]

THEN, YES.

THERE'S A SHINDIG EVERY NIGHT

AT CHE OPHIRA, MY FRIENDS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SO EMBARRASSING, I'VE ACTUALLY

BEEN PLAYING DRINKING GAMES.

AND I LIKE VERY SIMPLE DRINKING

GAMES LIKE YOU WATCH TELEVISION

OR A MOVIE, YOU TAKE A DRINK

WHEN LIKE SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING

OR SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING.

SO MUCH SO I'VE INVENTED MY OWN

DRINKING GAME WHICH YOU ALL

SHOULD TRY.

IT'S A LOT OF FUN, VERY EASY

TO PLAY.

AND IT'S BEST PLAYED ALONG AT

A BAR.

AND WHAT YOU DO...

[LAUGHTER]

IS YOU SIT THERE AND YOU TAKE

A DRINK ANYTIME ANYONE SAYS

ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M FROM A VERY BIG FAMILY.

I'M THE YOUNGEST OF SIX KIDS.

AND AS THE YOUNGEST, YOU KNOW

TEASED AND TORTURED MY ENTIRE

LIFE.

I COME HOME-- THEY STILL DO IT--

I WALK INTO A ROOM.

THEY DO THIS, "NO ONE WANTED

YOU, YOU WERE A MISTAKE.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

[LAUGHTER]

AND THIS LAST TIME I WAS AT HOME

I HAD HAD ENOUGH AND I ACTUALLY

WENT AND I SPOKE WITH MY MOTHER

ABOUT IT.

I HAD A TALK WITH MY MOM.

AND SHE WAS ACTUALLY VERY COOL.

SHE WAS LIKE, "DON'T BE

RIDICULOUS, YOU ALL WERE

MISTAKES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE NO MONEY.

I AM TERRIBLE WITH MONEY.

I ALWAYS GIVE MONEY TO PEOPLE

ON THE STREET.

I PASSED BY THIS HOMELESS GUY

AND HE WAS OUT THERE CALLING

OUT TO EVERYBODY, RIGHT,

TRYING TO GET THEM TO GIVE

THEM MONEY.

AND HE'S DOING THIS--

HE'S GOING, "GIVE MONEY TO THE

HOMELESS!

GIVE MONEY TO THE HOMELESS,

'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW, ONE DAY

IT MIGHT BE YOU!"

AND I WAS LIKE-- OH, MY GOD.

AND I WAS ABOUT TO GIVE HIM

SOME CHANGE AND I WAS LIKE,

MAYBE I SHOULD HANG ON TO THIS.

I JUST WENT TO MY BEST FRIEND'S

WEDDING.

AND, AH--

SINCE I GOT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL,

I'VE BEEN TO 32 WEDDINGS.

THAT'S LIKE 17 AND A HALF MILES

OF ELECTRIC SLIDE, FOLKS.

THAT IS--

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I'M GETTING GOOD.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

IT'S AMAZING, THOUGH 'CAUSE

AFTER 32 WEDDINGS, I'M THE ONLY

SINGLE GUY LEFT OUT OF ALL OF MY

FRIENDS.

IT'S ME-- I'M THE LAST MAN

STANDING.

IT'S LIKE MY BUDDIES AND I--

WE'RE IN A WAR MOVIE WHERE

WE'RE STORMING A BEACH WITH

MACHINE-GUN NESTS.

ONLY INSTEAD OF BULLETS THEY'RE

SHOOTING RINGS.

AND I JUST HAD TO WATCH THEM

GO DOWN LIKE--

[SOUND OF GUNFIRE]

GET DOWN!

[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]

NOOOO!

[RAPID GUNFIRE]

YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN HER A MONTH.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WANNA GET MARRIED THOUGH.

I DO BUT I'M OLD FASHIONED.

WHEN I GET MARRIED, I'LL WANT IT

TO BE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A LONG TIME.

I REALIZE THOUGH, EACH YEAR

I GET OLDER, I'M JUST MAKING

THAT GOAL EASIER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M DOING THIS FOR US, HONEY.

I'M ALMOST A THIRD OF THE WAY

THERE WITHOUT YOU.

SINGLE IS THAT I QUIT MY JOB AS

A DOCTOR TO DO STANDUP COMEDY.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'LL DO IT.

I WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL HERE

AT COLUMBIA.

I GOT MY MD.

I WAS PRACTICING OUT IN COLORADO

WHEN I DECIDED TO QUIT TO DO

STANDUP.

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE

LAWSUITS.

[LAUGHTER]

I QUIT BECAUSE I WAS IN THE

HOSPITAL AND I REALIZED THAT I

TRULY BELIEVED LAUGHTER WAS

THE BEST MEDICINE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TURNS OUT PENICILLIN WORKS A

HELL OF A LOT BETTER, FOLKS.

THAT SUCKED FOR MY PATIENTS.

I WENT OVER THERE, THAT CHART

SAYS YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM

PNEUMONIA.

[EXHALES]

KNOCK, KNOCK!

[LAUGHTER]

OH, GOD--

TWO NUNS WALK INTO A BAR.

I NEED SOMETHING STRONGER.

PULL MY FINGER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW PEOPLE ASK ME WHY

I QUIT MEDICINE.

AND IT'S NOT THAT I DIDN'T LIKE

MEDICINE.

IT'S NOT IT.

IT'S JUST THAT I LIKE TO LAUGH

AT WORK.

AND THAT'S WHY I WOULD BE A

LOUSY JUDGE, FOLKS, I WOULD

BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY

ABOUT THE DEATH PENALTY.

EXCEPT THE NAME.

I MEAN FOLKS, DEATH IS NOT A

PENALTY.

TEN YARDS IS A PENALTY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, I THINK IF THEY'RE GONNA

CALL IT THE DEATH PENALTY,

THE JUDGE SHOULD HAVE TO HANDLE

IT LIKE A PENALTY.

I THINK HE SHOULD SHOW UP IN A

REFEREE SHIRT WITH A YELLOW

FLAG AND A WHISTLE.

WALK INTO THE COURTROOM.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[LAUGHTER]

PERSONAL FOUL.

MURDER...

IN THE FIRST.

[APPLAUSE]

ON THE DEFENDANT, NUMBER 7...

1-2-5-3-6-5-4-9-2-9.

IT'S A DEATH PENALTY BY

LETHAL INJECTION.

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SWEET!

YES, NEW YORK, HUH?

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME HERE.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME, YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SWEET.

THIS IS FUNNY.

I DON'T USUALLY MAKE FUN OF

HOMELESS PEOPLE BUT--

THEY DON'T HAVE CABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO THE ATM TODAY.

WHY WOULD A HOMELESS GUY PEDDLE

FOR CHANGE AT THE ATM?

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE AT THE ATM BECAUSE

WE DON'T HAVE ANY CASH AND

YOU'RE NOT GETTING A 20, BITCH,

I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A 20--

GIVE ME 19.75 BACK.

WHERE YOU GOING?

ALL RIGHT-- SEE YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

I'VE HAD SO MANY--

I'VE BEEN FIRED FROM EVERYTHING.

EVERY JOB.

I CAN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW.

MY LAST JOB I GOT FIRED FROM,

I WAS WORKING AT A GOLF COURSE

MOWING STUFF.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER HAVE A REALLY CRAPPY

JOB WHERE YOUR BOSS STILL

EXPECTS YOU TO TREAT IT LIKE A

CAREER FOR SOME REASON?

I WAS WORKING AT A GOLF COURSE.

MY BOSS WOULD SAY STUFF TO ME

LIKE "HEY, CAPARULO.

HOW COME YOU MISSED THE

MEETING?"

"'CAUSE WE CUT FREAKIN' GRASS,

THAT'S HOW COME I MISSED THE

MEETING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT DO WE NEED TO HAVE MEETINGS

ABOUT?"

I HATED THAT.

THAT WAS THE WORST JOB EVER.

I GOT BIT BY A SWAN.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T REALLY RECOVER FROM

THAT EITHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO

HAPPEN, YOU KNOW?

WHO DO YOU TRUST AFTER THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE I'D RATHER GET ATTACKED BY

A BEAR.

BECAUSE YOU GET ATTACKED BY A

BEAR, YEAH, YOU MIGHT LOSE AN

ARM OR SOMETHING BUT YOU GOT A

FREAKIN' STORY AT LEAST,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SCAR?

SWAN.

SWAN, IT WAS A SWAN, YEAH.

YEAH, THERE WAS FEATHERS AND

STUFF EVERYWHERE.

YOU WANNA DANCE, NO?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY

WHILE IT'S HAPPENING, EITHER

'CAUSE THAT'S NOT A BIRD OF

PREY, THAT'S A LAWN ORNAMENT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO

ATTACK.

BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS THEY

LAY THEIR EGGS AND THE MALE GETS

REAL PROTECTIVE AND NOBODY

TOLD ME THAT STUFF.

I'M MOWING BY THE POND JUST ALL

OF A SUDDEN THE SWAN'S GOT BEEF

BECAUSE I'M IN HIS HOOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, IS HE SERIOUS RIGHT

NOW?

BECAUSE I GOT A LAWN MOWER,

I'M BIGGER THAN HIM, HE'S A

SWAN, OH, CRAP, HE'S CLOSER.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I DIDN'T WANNA RUN FROM HIM

'CAUSE...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WOULD LOOK FREAKIN STUPID.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I JUST HOLD MY GROUND.

IT'S A SWAN.

I CAN TAKE HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HE DIDN'T SEE IT THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE HE GOT CLOSE ENOUGH,

HE JUST CHARGED,

OH-- [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE POINT WHERE IT DAWNS

ON YOU WHERE YOUR LIFE'S AT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE GO TO THEIR

JOBS GOING, YOU KNOW I HOPE

THERE'S NO TRAFFIC ON THE WAY TO

THE OFFICE TODAY.

BOY, I HOPE I DON'T GET ATTACKED

BY A BIG FRICKIN' DUCK TODAY

'CAUSE THAT WOULD REALLY SUCK.

HOPE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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