Ortiz, Eisenberg, Iseman, Caparulo

  • Season 8, Ep 802
  • 02/04/2005

Ophira Eisenberg worries about becoming homeless, John Caparulo relives a swan attack, and Jamie Kennedy describes the British version of "COPS."

SO I ACTUALLY JUST CAME BACK

FROM ENGLAND.

AND I WAS WATCHING AN ENGLISH

VERSION OF THE SHOW COPS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT DIDN'T REALLY WORK BECAUSE

ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE SO POLITE.

THE GUY WAS LIKE--

[ENGLISH ACCENT] "HELLO, HELLO.

[LAUGHTER]

HELLO.

HELLO, YOU THERE.

HELLO?

HELLO?

PLEASE STOP.

[LAUGHTER]

PLEASE STOP RUNNING NOW.

I MUST SAY I'M GETTING VERY

WINDED.

OH, STOP.

[EXHALES]

ALL RIGHT, PUT YOUR HANDS ON TOP

OF THE VEHICLE.

[LAUGHTER]

PUT YOUR HANDS ON TOP OF THE

VEHICLE.

ARE YOU CALM?

[SILENCE]

WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

[LAUGHTER]

DRIVING AROUND TOWNS SQUARE LIKE

A MADMAN, SO ON AND SO FORTH,

WOMEN AND CHILDREN RUNNING FOR

THEIR LIVES.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW MANY CUPS OF TEA HAVE YOU

HAD?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SWEET!

YES, NEW YORK, HUH?

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME HERE.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME, YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SWEET.

THIS IS FUNNY.

I DON'T USUALLY MAKE FUN OF

HOMELESS PEOPLE BUT--

THEY DON'T HAVE CABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO THE ATM TODAY.

WHY WOULD A HOMELESS GUY PEDDLE

FOR CHANGE AT THE ATM?

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE AT THE ATM BECAUSE

WE DON'T HAVE ANY CASH AND

YOU'RE NOT GETTING A 20, BITCH,

I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A 20--

GIVE ME 19.75 BACK.

WHERE YOU GOING?

ALL RIGHT-- SEE YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

I'VE HAD SO MANY--

I'VE BEEN FIRED FROM EVERYTHING.

EVERY JOB.

I CAN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW.

MY LAST JOB I GOT FIRED FROM,

I WAS WORKING AT A GOLF COURSE

MOWING STUFF.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER HAVE A REALLY CRAPPY

JOB WHERE YOUR BOSS STILL

EXPECTS YOU TO TREAT IT LIKE A

CAREER FOR SOME REASON?

I WAS WORKING AT A GOLF COURSE.

MY BOSS WOULD SAY STUFF TO ME

LIKE "HEY, CAPARULO.

HOW COME YOU MISSED THE

MEETING?"

"'CAUSE WE CUT FREAKIN' GRASS,

THAT'S HOW COME I MISSED THE

MEETING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT DO WE NEED TO HAVE MEETINGS

ABOUT?"

I HATED THAT.

THAT WAS THE WORST JOB EVER.

I GOT BIT BY A SWAN.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T REALLY RECOVER FROM

THAT EITHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO

HAPPEN, YOU KNOW?

WHO DO YOU TRUST AFTER THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE I'D RATHER GET ATTACKED BY

A BEAR.

BECAUSE YOU GET ATTACKED BY A

BEAR, YEAH, YOU MIGHT LOSE AN

ARM OR SOMETHING BUT YOU GOT A

FREAKIN' STORY AT LEAST,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SCAR?

SWAN.

SWAN, IT WAS A SWAN, YEAH.

YEAH, THERE WAS FEATHERS AND

STUFF EVERYWHERE.

YOU WANNA DANCE, NO?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY

WHILE IT'S HAPPENING, EITHER

'CAUSE THAT'S NOT A BIRD OF

PREY, THAT'S A LAWN ORNAMENT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO

ATTACK.

BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS THEY

LAY THEIR EGGS AND THE MALE GETS

REAL PROTECTIVE AND NOBODY

TOLD ME THAT STUFF.

I'M MOWING BY THE POND JUST ALL

OF A SUDDEN THE SWAN'S GOT BEEF

BECAUSE I'M IN HIS HOOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE, IS HE SERIOUS RIGHT

NOW?

BECAUSE I GOT A LAWN MOWER,

I'M BIGGER THAN HIM, HE'S A

SWAN, OH, CRAP, HE'S CLOSER.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I DIDN'T WANNA RUN FROM HIM

'CAUSE...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WOULD LOOK FREAKIN STUPID.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I JUST HOLD MY GROUND.

IT'S A SWAN.

I CAN TAKE HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HE DIDN'T SEE IT THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE HE GOT CLOSE ENOUGH,

HE JUST CHARGED,

OH-- [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE POINT WHERE IT DAWNS

ON YOU WHERE YOUR LIFE'S AT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE GO TO THEIR

JOBS GOING, YOU KNOW I HOPE

THERE'S NO TRAFFIC ON THE WAY TO

THE OFFICE TODAY.

BOY, I HOPE I DON'T GET ATTACKED

BY A BIG FRICKIN' DUCK TODAY

'CAUSE THAT WOULD REALLY SUCK.

HOPE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]