Chris Hardwick & Deon Cole

  • 10/16/2012

Deon Cole confronts the bam-bam, and Chris Hardwick learns too much about Ted Nugent.

OKAY.

FAIR ENOUGH.

WELCOME TO COMEDY CENTRAL'S MASH UP.

I AM YOUR HOST,T.J. MILLER.

- [robotic voice]NEW PLAYER.

[pinging]

- GUYS, RECENTLYI FLEW IN BETWEEN

THE TWO WORST PEOPLEIN THE WORLD.

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE SEAT.

COINCIDENTALLY,THEY WERE FATHER AND DAUGHTER.

THE DAUGHTER SOUNDED VAGUELYLIKE THIS:

"DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY,DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, DADDY.

DADDY, I NEED MY LAPTOP CASE."SHE WAS LIKE 25, BY THE WAY.

AND THEN THE FATHER--YOU EVER SEEN A FATHER

WHOSE FAMILY IS SO AWFUL

THAT HE'S GIVEN UP ON TALKING

AND HE'S JUST GRUMBLING?

ALL OF HIS RESPONSESARE GRUMBLES.

SHE GOES, "DADDY, I NEEDMY LAPTOP CASE ALSO!"

AND I SWEAR TO GOD,HIS RESPONSE WAS,

[gibberish in rough voice]

HE DID SPEAK CLEARLY ONCE,THOUGH.

THAT'S WHEN I ASKEDIF HE WANTED TO SWITCH SEATS.

HE SAID, "NO!NO."

THAT WASN'T THE WORST PART.

THE WORST PART WAS--AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY--

AS WE WERE TAKING OFF, OKAY,

HE SLOWLY REACHED ACROSS,

AND SHE ALSO REACHEDACROSS ME,

AND THEN THEY CLASPED HANDSOVER ME

AND HE STARTEDCOUNTING DOWN FROM TEN,

AND SHE STARTED NAMINGALL THE PEOPLE IN HER LIFE

THAT SHE LOVED.

"LOVE YOU, MOMMY.LOVE YOU, DADDY.

LOVE YOU, UNCLE BRICK.LOVE YOU, JEREMY."

WHICH--I DON'T KNOW WHO HE WAS,

BUT GOOD FOR HIM--HE MADE THE LIST.

THAT'S NOT OKAY, RIGHT?YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU CAN'T CLASP HANDS

INCHES FROM A MAN'S PENIS,RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT WAS CLOSE.

I COULD FEEL THE HEATFROM THEIR HANDS.

I WAS WEARING PANTSOF A VERY SHEER FABRIC!

SO, UH...

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,'CAUSE I'M KIND OF A COWARD

IN REAL LIFE.

BUT I THOUGHT OF DOINGTWO THINGS.

TELL MEWHAT YOU LIKE BETTER.

FIRST ONE IS OBVIOUSLYJUST PUSH UPWARDS...

[audience whooping]

INTO THEIR HANDS,AND THEN WHEN THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"I JUST SAY,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TRYING TO GET METO CALL YOU DADDY?"

OR THE OTHER ONEIS WHAT COULD THEY DO--

WHAT WOULD THEY DOIF I JUST SLOWLY

PUT MY HAND OVER THEIRS

AND THEN I JUST WHISPERUNDER MY BREATH,

"YOU MINDIF I GET IN ON THIS?

"DEAREST PRINCE OF DARKNESS,LORD SATAN...

"EXTINGUISHTHE NONBELIEVERS ON THIS PLANE.

"GLADLY TAKE MY LIFEIN THE PROCESS.

"ALWAYS REMEMBER, SATAN,YOU ARE

MY DADDY, DADDY, DADDY,DADDY, DADDY."

[cheers and applause]

I THINK SHOWBOATSGET A BAD RAP, DON'T YOU THINK?

SOMEBODY MAKES A TOUCHDOWNAND THEY DANCE

OR THEY DO A SLAM DUNK AND KINDOF WIGGLE THEMSELVES AROUND.

THE ANNOUNCERS'LL GO,

"HA. LOOK AT HIM OUT THERE.A REAL SHOWBOAT!

JUST SHOWBOATING IT UP."

BUT THE OPPOSITEIS NEVER TRUE.

YOU NEVER SEE SOMEONETASTEFULLY MAKE A LAY-UP,

AND THE ANNOUNCER SAYS,"WELL, GOOD FOR HIM,

"ACTING LIKE A REGULAR BOAT.

"JUST A PONTOONOR A CATAMARAN.

A REAL HUMBLE CANOE."

THERE'S NO GROUPIES.THERE'S NO CRAZY SEX STORIES.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVEA ROCK STAR LIFESTYLE,

AND IT NEVER HAPPENED.

I GOT SO JEALOUS ONE TIME'CAUSE I TALKED TO--

THIS GUY AFTER A SHOWCAME UP TO ME,

AND HE USED TO BETED NUGENT'S ROADIE.

SO HE WAS ELDERLY,

AND, UH...

AND WE WERE TALKING.HE WAS LIKE,

"MAN, WE'D BE ON THE ROADAND TED, BOY,

"HE WOULD STACK THESE GIRLSUP ON TOP,

"ONE ON TOP OF ANOTHER

AND JUST [bleep] THEMUP AND DOWN!"

LIKE SOME CRAZY OPERATOR LIKE,

"KLONDIKE 7349.HANG ON, I'LL CONNECT YOU.

"SYCAMORE, 9032.

HELLO, OHIO?4321."

HOW ARE YOU THE FOURTH GIRL

IN LIKE A STACKED UP[bleep] JANGA,

AND YOU'RE JUST WAITINGFOR IT TO HAPPEN,

JUST SAYING OUT LOUD,

"I HAVE REALLY MADETHE BEST CHOICES IN LIFE.

"THIS IS EXACTLYWHERE I SHOULD BE.

I WENT TO BROWN!"

"THAT'S WHERE I'M ABOUTTO GO, DARLING--BAM!"

♪ 'CAUSE TED NUGENTIS ALL ABOUT FUN ♪

♪ HE'S A DEER HUNTING[bleep] STACKIN' ♪

♪ SON OF A GUN

[mellow jazz plays]

- WHAT'S THE SITUATION, GARY?

- MANIAC'S HOLDINGSOME LADY HOSTAGE.

- I WANT $100,000,A HELICOPTER,

AND AN iPAD NANO!

- AN iPAD OR A NANO?

'CAUSE THEY'RE TOTALLYDIFFERENT THINGS.

- WHICHEVER ONE HAS THE JAMS!

- GET HIM THE JAMS!

- [static, distorted]I NEED YOU TO LOWER YOUR WEA--

- WHOA. IS THAT THE OLD ONE?- TOM TOOK THE NEW ONE.

- TOM.- WHAT?

- UHH![static]

[auto-tune voice]I NEED YOU TO LOWER YOUR WEAP--

OH! HA HA.

THAT'S GOT A NICE LITTLERING TO IT, DOESN'T IT?

♪ GET YOUR HANDS UP, GIRL.GET 'EM UP ♪

♪ YEAH, YES

♪ UH-UH, UH-UH

♪ SKEE SKEE SKEE SKEESKEE BY FAR ♪

- ♪ BRING IT DOWN LOW,HANDS UP HIGH ♪

♪ SHAKE THAT [...]WORK THEM THIGHS ♪

♪ TRY IT FOR ME,TRY IT FOR ME ♪

- ♪ TAKE HIM OUT

GREAT WORK, BOYS.

- ♪ SHOT SHOT SHOT SHOTSHOT SHOT ♪

♪ SHOT SHOT SHOT SHOTSHOT SHOT SHOT ♪

CAN'T GO THERE ANY MORE.

FIRST OF ALL,I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND

THE JEANSTHEY'RE PEDDLING THERE.

LIKE, LOOK, I GET SOME GUYS LIKETO WEAR PRE-DISTRESSED JEANS.

THEY HAVE A COUPLEWEARS AND TEARS

THAT YOU DIDN'T PUT THERE

'CAUSE YOU WANNA GIVE

SOME ADVENTUROUS IMPRESSIONOF YOURSELF TO THE WORLD

SO YOU CAN GO BURSTINGINTO ROOMS LIKE

"HEY, EVERYBODY,I JUST GOT THROWN OFF A HORSE.

WHAT'D I MISS?"OR WHATEVER.

AND THE STORES THEMSELVES

HAVE TURNED INTO THESEWEIRD NIGHTCLUBS

THAT ARE DESIGNED TO SCAREOLD PEOPLE AWAY.

YOU WALK BY AN ABERCROMBIE& FITCH STORE IN A MALL

AND THEY'RE PUMPING ALLTHIS COLOGNE OUT IN FRONT,

AND IT SMELLS LIKE DATE RAPEAND GETS IN YOUR EYES

AND CLOUDS YOUR JUDGMENTAND--

AND YOU GO INSIDE AND THERE'SA THUMPING TECHNO MUSIC

THAT IS GAYER THAN [bleep]ON A MUSTACHE.

IT'S LIKE--

BUT YOU REALLY EXPECTTO GO INSIDE AND SEE DUDES

DOING LINES OF COKEOFF THE FOLDING TABLES

WHILE VAMPIRES ARE FEEDINGON ASIAN SCHOOLGIRLS

IN THE DRESSING ROOMS

WHILE THE GHOST OF OSCAR WILDE

IS BLOWINGTHE GHOST OF ANDY WARHOL

ON THE BACK OF A UNICORNWITH A DICK FOR A HORN

SHOOTING DOUBLE RAINBOWSONTO A PROJECT RUNWAY MARATHON.

THANK YOU SO MUCH,YOU GUYS!

OVER A PARKING SPACE.

AND THIS DUDE PUNCHED ME...

THIS WAY.

YOU EVER BEEN HIT THIS WAY?

I DIDN'T EVEN FIGHT BACK'CAUSE IT WAS SO ORIGINAL.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOWWHAT ELSE HE HAD, YOU KNOW?

I JUST BOWED OUT GRACEFULLY ANDSTARTED TAPPING OUT ON STUFF,

LIKE...

WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT AT?

AND I SHOULD'VE KNOWNHE WAS GONNA HIT ME TOO,

'CAUSE HE WAS SCRATCHINGTHE BACK OF HIS HEAD.

ANYTIME A MAN SCRATCHESTHE BACK OF HIS HEAD,

YOU'RE ABOUT TO GETSUPER SOCKED, I PROMISE YOU.

LIKE HE WAS WAITINGON THIS PARKING SPACE

FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES.

THIS OLD LADY WAS PUTTING STUFFIN HER CAR.

FINALLY, SHE PULLED OUT.

I CAME OUT OF NOWHEREAND PARKED.

HE WAS LIKE..."NO, YOU NOT."

GOT OUT OF MY CAR,HE GOT OUT HIS CAR.

HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, MAN,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVETO MOVE YOUR CAR."

I'M LIKE, OOH, OOH."STUFF HAPPEN."

I'M WALKING IN THE STORE,YOU KNOW.

HE FOLLOWING ME LIKE"NO, YOU GOTTA MOVE YOUR CAR."

I'M LIKE "IT AIN'TNOWHERE TO PARK."

HE WAS LIKE, "I KNOW!I BEEN WAITING ON THIS PARK

'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOWHERETO PARK!"

HE WAS LIKE,"MOVE THIS CAR, DUDE."

I'M LIKE,"I AIN'T MOVING MY CAR."

HE WAS LIKE,"YOU BETTER MOVE THAT CAR."

BOW!

I WAS LIKE,"WHAT WAS THAT?"

HE WAS LIKE"THAT'S CALLED THE BAM-BAM."

I HATE PEOPLETHAT WEAR ALL WHITE.

YOU EVER SEE THESE PEOPLE?

WHITE SHIRT, WHITE HAT,WHITE BELT, WHITE PANTS,

WHITE SOCKS, WHITE SHOES.

WHO IN THE HELLDO YOU THINK YOU ARE

THAT YOU'RE NOT GONNAGET DIRTY TODAY, HUH?

YOU BETTER THAN USOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

I OUGHTA KICK YOU IN YOUR BACKAND SEND YOU HOME.

OR GIVE YOU ONE OF THESEBAM-BAMS.

- ♪ PUSHING THAT WHITEFROM THE BAY TO L.A. ♪

♪ SMOKING ON THE PIFF

♪ WITH A CHICK THIS BIG

♪ SHE AIN'T GOT NO CARDINAL

♪ GENIE IN THE BOTTLE

♪ DRUNK ALL THE BULLET

♪ AND I TAKE HERTO MCDONALD'S ♪

♪ PUSHING THAT WHITE,PUSHING THAT WHITE MEAT ♪

♪ PUSHING THAT WHITE,PUSHING THAT WHITE ♪

♪ PUSHING THAT WHITE,PUSHING THAT WHITE MEAT ♪

I CAN'T STAND FOR WHITE PEOPLETO SEE ME DOING THIS.

I JUST CRINGE UP.

WORKING.

ANY KINDA WORK,I DON'T EVEN CARE.

I COULD BE MOPPING THE FLOOR.

WHITE GUY COME IN,I'LL BE LIKE, "GOLLY.

I LOOK LIKE A COLOREDRIGHT NOW."

I MIGHT AS WELLSHUCK AND JIVE.

MAMMY.

I HATE EATING CHICKENIN FRONT OF WHITE PEOPLE TOO.

OR WATERMELON.

AND IF I'M EATING BOTH,I WANNA COMMIT SUICIDE,

I PROMISE YOU.

ONE TIME, I WAS AT THIS THINGWE HAVE IN CHICAGO

CALLED TASTE OF CHICAGO.

WE GOT FOOD FOR MILESAND MILES AND MILES.

AND THIS DUDE CAMEAND GAVE ME SOME TICKETS, RIGHT,

TO GET SOME FOODFROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.

FOOD FROMALL OVER THE WORLD.

GAVE ME THESE TICKETSAND WHAT'D I GO GET?

SOME CHICKEN, RIGHT?

SO I'M EATINGTHIS HOT, GREASY CHICKEN.

LIPS JUST SHINING,JUST BLING-BLINGING.

I'M...SUPER-BLACK RIGHT NOW,RIGHT?

I WALK BY THIS FRUIT STAND,THEY GOT SEEDLESS WATERMELON.

I WAS LIKE"SEEDLESS?

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIMETHAT'S GONNA SAVE ME?

GIMME FOUR OF THOSE!I WANT THAT."

SITTING THERE EATINGMY CHICKEN AND WATERMELON.

THERE'S JUICE AND GREASEEVERYWHERE.

I'M JUST HUMMING TO MYSELF.

[humming]

THERE'S THIS WHITE FAMILYON THE SIDE OF ME

RECORDING THE WHOLE THING.

I'M LIKE, "GOD DAMN.MIGHT AS WELL SHUCK AND JIVE."

HEY, I'M DEON COLE.THANK Y'ALL VERY MUCH, MAN.

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