Brociopath

  • Season 4, Ep 6
  • 02/26/2014

The guys befriend Stan Halen, a fraternity brother who promises to initiate them into Kappa Zeta Nu, but his extreme lifestyle may be more than they can handle.

ANDERS!'SUP, YOU LEGO HEAD?

AHH!- OW.

- BLAKE!

CARROT TOP,MORE LIKE CARROT BOTTOM.

[laughing]- HEY!

- LIKE HE TAKES ITUP THE BUTT.

[laughter]

OH, HEY.YOU'RE HERE?

- I PROBABLY LOOK LIKE I TAKE ITUP THE BUTT TOO, RIGHT?

- NO, MAN, YOU'RE FINE.

COME ON, DUDES!BAR GOLFING DAY!

SUNDAY FRATERNITY TRADITION.

- YOU'RE COOL, DUDE.

- I HAPPEN TO HAVEALL-TIME LEGEND STATUS

OVER AT KAPPA ZETA NU,AKA "THE ZOO."

- [laughing]NOT BAD.

- INITIATION NIGHT'SCOMING UP,

AND I CAN PROBABLY GETYOU DICK SLAPS IN,

DEPENDING ON HOW COOLYOU ARE.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?- WE'RE COOL, MAN.

WE'RE SO COOL.- WE'RE COOL.

- WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO?

- YOU JUST HAVE TO PROVE THATYOU ANIMALS BELONG IN THE ZOO.

NOW SUIT UP!

WE'RE ABOUT TO TEE OFFFOR THE U.S. BROPEN.

- OH, THAT SOUNDS FUN.

I'VE GOT THAT HAPPY GILMORE,LIKE, HOCKEY PUTTER THING.

- OH, CLASSIC MOVIE!- YEAH.

- IT IS.- "THE PRICE IS WRONG, BITCH!"

"A WARM GLASSOF A-SHUT THE HELL UP!"

[laughter]

"WHY DON'T YOU GOTO YOUR HOME?"

- THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART.

- YOU GOTTA GET THAT CLUB.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.BUT, UH...

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINKIT MIGHT BE AT THE OFFICE.

OR IS IT IN THE 'VO?HAVE YOU GUYS--

- HEY!- I DON'T KNOW.

- DRINK WHILE YOU THINK.

THAT'S MY MAIN RULE.- COOL RULE.

[laughing]ALL RIGHT!

- I ALREADY DRANKALL MINE, MAN.

- MM.

- LIKE, THE WHOLE TIMEI'M THINKING?

- YOU DIDN'T STOP THINKING,DID YOU?

- OKAY.

- RULES MAKE DRINKINGSO FUN.

FORE!

18TH HOLE, PUSSIES!

- OW![laughter]

I'M A PUSSY TOO, RIGHT?I'M A PUSSY!

- CAN WE LOSE THIS GUY?

- UH, WELL, HE'S, LIKE,A WORK FRIEND, YOU KNOW?

SO...IF IT'S COOL...

- [laughing goofily]- THE [bleep]?

- STOP IT!

- HEY, WHAT KIND OF REAL BARDOESN'T OPEN TILL NOON?

- HEY, DUDE, IT'S COOL.I MEAN--

- YOU DON'T GET IT.

THIS IS THE COOLEST BAROFF CAMPUS.

I MADE IT THE 18TH HOLE

BECAUSE THE COLLEGE BABESIN HERE

ALWAYS LET YOU PLAYTHE 19TH HOLE.

[laughter]

20TH IF YOU'RE LUCKY.both: THE BUTT.

- THE BUTT!- THE BUTTHOLE.

- OH, DUDE.

HONESTLY, I COULD PROBABLY RUNSUPER FAST TO ANOTHER BAR

AND SCOPE IT OUT FOR US,STARTING NOW.

TIME ME.- NO WAY.

CHECK IT.A JETTA!

- YEAH, A JET--SO WHAT?

- GO LAY DOWNIN THE STREET.

LAY DOWN IN THE STREET.- WHAT?

- LAY DOWN IN FRONT OF THAT CAR.NOW, PLAID!

- OKAY!- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

- THIS IS SAFE, RIGHT, GUYS?- YEAH, HE'S JUST, LIKE,

TESTING OUR LOYALTY.IT'S, LIKE, A FRAT THING.

- STAY DOWN, PEASANTS!

- ALL RIGHT, UH,THEY'RE NOT STOPPING!

- LET IT HIT YOU!

- THEY'RE NOT STOPPING!PLEASE, STOP!

[tires screech]

- NO, THEY STOPPED.

- GAH!- AHH!

- YOU GUYS OKAY?- THEY'RE FINE!

AND I'M STAN HALEN.

- YEAH.- I'M AN OAKLEY REP.

SHARE THE LOVE.

- THROWBACK SHADES.COOL.

- YEAH!I'D LOVE A PAIR.

- LET ME GUESS.TRI DELTS?

- UM, YEAH, A FEW YEARS AGO.BUT WE'RE STILL BESTIES.

[laughter]- WE'RE KAPPA ZETA NU BOYS.

YOU LADIES WANNAGET DRUNK AS [bleep]

AND HAVE SOME ORGANIZED FUN,LIKE THE OLD DAYS?

UNLESS YOU CAN'T HANG.

- IT'S ON.- ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

- IT'S ON.15020 HALLMAN.

- WHOO.- CHANT IT.

- STAN, HOW THE HELLDID YOU JUST DO THAT?

- JETTAS EQUAL HOT CHICKS.

WATCH THE LEAGUE,YOU [bleep] ANDRE.

[laughter]- WHAT?

- YOU'RE A BITCH!

- NO, NO.NO, NO, NO, NO.

LEAVE 'EM ON.

- [whispers]HEY, ADAM!

WATCH THAT BOOB.

- [laughing]- [laughing hysterically]

BLAKE!- HUH?

- YOU GUYS LOOK WAY HOT.- THANK YOU.

- NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH!

- WHAT ARE YOU--- I'M TONGUE-[bleep]-ING HER.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- DO YOU NOT LIKE THAT?- NO!

CAN WE SWITCH?

- ALL RIGHT, COOL.VERY COOL.

- I DO.IT'S MONDAY.

- INITIATION DAY!

TONIGHT, YOU PLEDGESBECOME MEMBERS

OF KAPPA ZETA NU.

WHICH MEANSWE GOTTA DRINK THE HOUSE DRY.

RIGHT NOW!

- LET'S DO IT.- OH, MAN.

COME ON,I'M TOO SLEEPY THOUGH.

- YEAH, WE'RE INTO IT.WE JUST--WE NEED A LITTLE BREAK.

- OH, I'M SORRY.ARE YOU GUYS ON YOUR PERIODS?

all: NO.

- WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD,'CAUSE I AM.

- OH!- WHOA!

- UGH!- VERY GROSS.

- VODKA-SOAKED TAMPON.

ALCOHOL ABSORBS,LIKE, 50 TIMES FASTER

THROUGH THE POOPER.

- THAT'S COOL.- IT'S SCIENCE!

- IT'S GROSS, MAN!AND DANGEROUS, FOR SURE.

- DON'T BE GAY.PUT THIS IN YOUR BUTT.

- NO.

- YOU PUT THISIN YOUR SOUTH MOUTH RIGHT NOW,

OR NO KAPPA ZETA NU!

- I'M NOT PUTTING ANYTHINGUP MY BUTT.

THAT IS A PRIVILEGED AREAFOR MY FIRST WIFE ONLY,

IF SHE SO WANTSTO EXPLORE THERE.

- AIN'T A DAMN THINGCHANGED.

- I'LL DO IT.

IT'LL BE AN HONOR.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

- JUST SHOVE ITRIGHT UP THERE, HUH?

EW.

- GOOD DECISION.

YOU [bleep] BITCH!

- [laughing]YEAH!

- IT'S TOO LATE.- I'M A BITCH!

WHOO!- LATER, BOYS!

KAPPA ZETA NU ONLY.

- WHOO!I'M PART OF THE ZOO!

[mimicking monkey][barking]

IT'S LIKE A MONKEY-DOG.

- STICK THAT UP YOUR ASS NOW,YOU PUSSY!

- YES, SIR.

OH! WOW!

OH! HO!

OH, MY GOD, IT'S LIKEMY BUTTHOLE GRABBED IT.

THAT WAS EASY!IT JUST--

JESUS!- STAN!

IF THAT'SEVEN YOUR REAL NAME.

OR STEVE!OH, I BET IT'S STEVE.

OR IS IT MICHAEL?YOU LOOK LIKE A MICHAEL, MAN.

AND I'M GONNA BE PISSEDIF THAT'S YOUR NAME.

- I'M RIGHT HERE.

SORRY, I FELL ASLEEPWHILE STANDING.

IT'S EASY TO DO.- OH, NO.

- OH, MY GOD!ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?

OH, DIP!- OH, DIP.

- "OH, DIP"?ARE WE SAYING THAT NOW?

- YEAH, SOME FRAT DUDE SAID IT,SO WE'RE GONNA START USING IT.

OH!

- OH, I GOT--I GOT HAZED.

LOOKS COOL, HUH?

- UM...YEAH! NO, IT'S COOL.

- YEAH, SOMETIMESYOU GOTTA REINVENT YOURSELF.

MILEY CYRUS DID IT, RIHANNA.- NO, SHUT UP!

STOP, ADAM, STOP!LOOK, HERE'S THE DEAL.

HE WAS NEVER IN A FRAT.STAN'S LYING TO YOU.

- WHAT!- YEAH, HERE.

- THAT DOESN'T SEEM REAL.- IT'S REAL, TRUST ME.

- DUDES!YOU CAME BACK!

I MADE YOU DINNER.

AHH!

- STAN, IT'S GREATTO SEE YOU AND ALL,

BUT, UH,WE THINK YOU OUGHTA GO.

WE KNOW YOU WEREN'TIN KAPPA...

ZETA NU.

- REALLY?

WELL, IF I WASN'TIN KAPPA ZETA NU,

WOULD I DO THIS?

[screams]

[all gasp]

- OH, YEAH!

WHOO!- COOL!

- [screaming]OH, IT'S COME OUT PERFECT!

[laughs]

WOW, I MIGHT NEEDONE OF YOU BROS TO BLOW ON THIS.

[laughing]

WE ARE STARTING OUR OWN CHAPTEROF KAPPA ZETA NU.

AND MY MAIN RULE IS,ONCE YOU'RE IN,

YOU'RE NEVER GETTING OUT.

- OKAY, HEY, YOU GET THATHOT IRON THING AWAY FROM US.

- UGH,IT SMELLS LIKE BARBECUE.

LIKE A MEMPHIS RUB--AAH!

[all screaming]

I'M THE HERO!DID YOU SEE THAT?

I'M A HERO.

OH, SHIT.DON'T--DON'T RUN INTO THIS.

- [screaming]- CLOSE THE DOOR!

- [shrieking]

- TIME TO BECOMEFRATERNITY BROTHERS

FOREVER.

BUT WHERE'S THE MOST EPIC PLACETO BRAND YOU?

THE BICEP?MAYBE THE CALF?

- DRINK WHILE YOU THINK!

- WHAT?- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT PLACESTO BRAND US.

THAT MEANSYOU GOTTA BE DRINKING.

THAT'S YOUR RULE!- YEAH.

IT'S LIKE A MAIN ONE, RIGHT?

- FINE, MY BUZZIS WEARING OFF ANYWAY.

THEY'RE ALL EMPTY, BRO.

WE DRANK THE HOUSE!

- THAT MEANS YOU NEEDTO GO ON A BEER RUN

AND LEAVE US ALONE.- UH-UH.

YOU CAN'T LEAVE PLEDGESUNATTENDED.

I'LL FIND SOMETHINGTO DRINK.

- HEY! HEY!THIS HAS ALCOHOL IN IT.

JUST AN AIR FRESHENER THING.

- I'M NOT DRINKINGTHAT PUSSY PISS.

- WELL, THEN YOU'RE BREAKINGONE OF YOUR NUMBER ONE RULES,

YOU...PEASANT!

- PEASANT!- YEAH.

- OOH.- HE'S SCARED TO DRINK IT.

- YOU'RE A SCAREDLITTLE BITCH PEASANT.

- GO [bleep] YOURSELF,SAN DIEGO!

- NICE.[laughing]

CLASSIC LINE.- THAT WAS A GOOD LINE.

- IT'S SO GOOD!

ONCE IT HITS YOUR LIPS,IT'S SO GOOD.

OLD SCHOOL.

MILK WAS A...BAD CHOICE. ANCHORMAN.

ANCHORMAN.[groaning]

- WE MIGHT HAVE KILLED HIM,RIGHT?

- I DON'T THINK SO.WHAT ARE YOU--

- [screams]- COME ON, HEY.

- OH! TRY IT, TRY IT.- DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN.

HERE, LET ME DO IT.- THEY'RE GONNA KNOW THAT--

- [laughing]- HEY, GUYS, COME ON!

- JUST HAVE ONE, JUST HAVE ONE.- GROW UP, GROW UP.

IF YOU'RE GONNA DO IT,DO IT RIGHT ON THE ASS.

[beatboxing]