Brociopath

  • Season 4, Ep 6
  • 02/26/2014

The guys befriend Stan Halen, a fraternity brother who promises to initiate them into Kappa Zeta Nu, but his extreme lifestyle may be more than they can handle.

- UH, SO, GUYS,JUST KEEP ON RAGING,

AND WE'LL HAVE THE ELECTRICITYBACK ON IN NO TIME.

- WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

- YOU DIDN'T PAYTHE ELECTRICITY BILL.

- I DIDN'T PAYTHE ELECTRICITY BILL?

YOU DIDN'T PAYTHE ELECTRICITY BILL.

- IT WAS YOUR TURN.- IT WAS MY TURN?

IT WAS MY TURN.DAMN IT!

- YES.- WELL, WHERE'S THE BOOZE?

- WHERE'S THE BOOZE?YOU MEAN MY DADDY'S VERMOUTH?

THAT'S THE ONLY BOOZEWE HAVE, MAN.

- NOBODY WANTS TO DRINKVERMOUTH, ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S LIKE DIRTY, OLD MAN,ANAL LEAKAGE WATER.

- BUT IT'S BOOZE.

- SOMEONE POOPEDIN THE SHOWER AGAIN!

WAS IT YOU?IS THAT WHY YOU LEFT?

THIS GIRL, I THINK,POOPED IN THE SHOWER.

THAT'S WHY SHE'S LEAVING.- ADAM, YOU TOLD ME

YOU POOPED IN THE SHOWER,LIKE, THREE DAYS AGO.

- I DON'T WANNA ARGUEWITH YOU RIGHT NOW, OKAY, BLAKE?

SOMEBODY POOPED IN THE SHOWER.IT'S A DILEMMA.

- WELL, EVERYBODY'S LEAVING.W--DO SOMETHING, DERS, COME ON.

- DO S--WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

- I DON'T KNOW.- HERE, OKAY, ENTERTAINMENT.

YOU WANT ENTERTAINMENT?- WHERE YOU GOING?

- HEY, GUYS, NO POWER,SO WE CAN'T WATCH A DVD,

BUT WHAT IF WE ACTED ONE OUT?

all: OOH!- KINDERGARTEN COP.

- OOH, I'M A LITTLE KID!- YOU'RE A LITTLE KID?

I'LL BE...[French accent]ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

AND I'M LIKE, IT'S NOT A DOG.IT'S A FERRET.

- WHO IS THAT?WHO IS THAT?

- I'M ARNOLD.- THAT'S ARNOLD?

- NO, THAT'S NOT ARNOLD.THAT WAS A FRENCHMAN.

LOOK,AND EVERYBODY'S LEAVING

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T EVEN DOAN ARNOLD IMPRESSION.

- DOMINIC!- OH, WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?

- THE PARTY'S OVER, MAN.WE DON'T HAVE ANY POWER.

- YEAH, AND WE'RE ALL OUTOF BOOZE.

- YEAH, AND I POOPEDIN THE SHOWER, OR SOMEONE DID.

'CAUSE I'M NOT WILLINGTO ADMIT THAT IT WAS ME.

- THIS SUCKS.- I GOT THIS.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,GET BACK IN THE HOUSE!

PARTY'S BACK ON!

WE'RE ABOUT TO TAKE A TRIPTO THE THIRD WORLD.

IF YOU GOTA HALF-FINISHED BREW,

THAT'S A CHILD SOLDIER.

POUR IT IN THIS BOWLRIGHT HERE.

WE'RE ABOUT TO MAKESOME SAVAGE JUNGLE JUICE!

OH, SNAP, THAT CASE OF VERMOUTH?- YEAH.

- INTO THE BOWL!

- I GOT IT.- YOU GOT ANY KOOL-AID?

MASK THE TASTE,GIVE IT SOME COLOR?

- I GOT SOME CRYSTAL LIGHT.- YEAH, I BET YOU DO, BITCH.

OOH!

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.[laughter]

- HE'S A BITCH.HE IS A BITCH.

- OKAY,AS YOUR TRIBAL CHIEF,

LET ME STATE THE LAWSOF THE JUNGLE.

YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,PISS OUTSIDE.

YOU NEED LIGHT,BUST OUT YOUR TORCH.

AND IF YOU WANNA GET SMACKEDON SOME OF THIS JUNGLE JUICE,

YOU GOTTA GO NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC!

[laughter]

THAT'S RIGHT.TOPS OFF!

- TOPS OFF.COOL!

- WHO WANTS A CUP?- I DO.

- I'D LOVE ONE.- LET'S GO!

- YEAH.

HELL, YEAH!- WE'LL HAVE SOME OF THAT JUICE.

- TOPS OFF.- TOPS OFF.

[all shouting]

- OH, MY GOD!

- ARE FRAT CHICKSAS CRAZY AS THEY SAY?

- FRATERNITY BROTHERSAND SORORITY CHICKS

ARE ALL [bleep] MACHINES, DUDE.WE'RE BUILT FOR SPEED.

- THAT'S, LIKE, A DREAM OF MINE.I WANNA BE A [bleep] MACHINE.

LIKE, I WOULD LIKE TO BEA SYBIAN, I DREAM OF THAT.

- WAIT, YOU GUYS.THAT'S, LIKE, REALLY GOOD.

- IT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?- IT IS.

- OH! YOU NOT HEAR MY RULE,YOU PEASANT?

YOU WANT A CUP? NAT GEO.

- I'M ALL SET, THANKS.

- HEY! YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTERTHAN THIS CHICK?

THAT THE RULESDON'T APPLY TO YOU?

SHE WANTED A CUP,SO SHE POPPED HER TOP.

PARTY RULES APPLYTO EVERYONE.

SO I SUGGEST YOU NIP OUT...

OR SHIP OUT.

- JUST NIP OUT, MAN.DON'T SHIP OUT.

- YOU GUYS COOL WITH THAT?

- GO ON, BRO.YOU GOT THIS, COME ON.

- WELL, I GOT BOOBS TOO, MAN.IT'S WHATEVER.

[all cheering]

- COME ON, EVERYBODY.

LET'S GET A BEAT GOING,LIKE OUR ANCIENT ANCESTORS!

[all cheering]

[tribal beat]

ANDERS!'SUP, YOU LEGO HEAD?

AHH!- OW.

- BLAKE!

CARROT TOP,MORE LIKE CARROT BOTTOM.

[laughing]- HEY!

- LIKE HE TAKES ITUP THE BUTT.

[laughter]

OH, HEY.YOU'RE HERE?

- I PROBABLY LOOK LIKE I TAKE ITUP THE BUTT TOO, RIGHT?

- NO, MAN, YOU'RE FINE.

COME ON, DUDES!BAR GOLFING DAY!

SUNDAY FRATERNITY TRADITION.

- YOU'RE COOL, DUDE.

- I HAPPEN TO HAVEALL-TIME LEGEND STATUS

OVER AT KAPPA ZETA NU,AKA "THE ZOO."

- [laughing]NOT BAD.

- INITIATION NIGHT'SCOMING UP,

AND I CAN PROBABLY GETYOU DICK SLAPS IN,

DEPENDING ON HOW COOLYOU ARE.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?- WE'RE COOL, MAN.

WE'RE SO COOL.- WE'RE COOL.

- WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO?

- YOU JUST HAVE TO PROVE THATYOU ANIMALS BELONG IN THE ZOO.

NOW SUIT UP!

WE'RE ABOUT TO TEE OFFFOR THE U.S. BROPEN.

- OH, THAT SOUNDS FUN.

I'VE GOT THAT HAPPY GILMORE,LIKE, HOCKEY PUTTER THING.

- OH, CLASSIC MOVIE!- YEAH.

- IT IS.- "THE PRICE IS WRONG, BITCH!"

"A WARM GLASSOF A-SHUT THE HELL UP!"

[laughter]

"WHY DON'T YOU GOTO YOUR HOME?"

- THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART.

- YOU GOTTA GET THAT CLUB.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.BUT, UH...

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINKIT MIGHT BE AT THE OFFICE.

OR IS IT IN THE 'VO?HAVE YOU GUYS--

- HEY!- I DON'T KNOW.

- DRINK WHILE YOU THINK.

THAT'S MY MAIN RULE.- COOL RULE.

[laughing]ALL RIGHT!

- I ALREADY DRANKALL MINE, MAN.

- MM.

- LIKE, THE WHOLE TIMEI'M THINKING?

- YOU DIDN'T STOP THINKING,DID YOU?

- OKAY.

- RULES MAKE DRINKINGSO FUN.

FORE!

18TH HOLE, PUSSIES!

- OW![laughter]

I'M A PUSSY TOO, RIGHT?I'M A PUSSY!

- CAN WE LOSE THIS GUY?

- UH, WELL, HE'S, LIKE,A WORK FRIEND, YOU KNOW?

SO...IF IT'S COOL...

- [laughing goofily]- THE [bleep]?

- STOP IT!

- HEY, WHAT KIND OF REAL BARDOESN'T OPEN TILL NOON?

- HEY, DUDE, IT'S COOL.I MEAN--

- YOU DON'T GET IT.

THIS IS THE COOLEST BAROFF CAMPUS.

I MADE IT THE 18TH HOLE

BECAUSE THE COLLEGE BABESIN HERE

ALWAYS LET YOU PLAYTHE 19TH HOLE.

[laughter]

20TH IF YOU'RE LUCKY.both: THE BUTT.

- THE BUTT!- THE BUTTHOLE.

- OH, DUDE.

HONESTLY, I COULD PROBABLY RUNSUPER FAST TO ANOTHER BAR

AND SCOPE IT OUT FOR US,STARTING NOW.

TIME ME.- NO WAY.

CHECK IT.A JETTA!

- YEAH, A JET--SO WHAT?

- GO LAY DOWNIN THE STREET.

LAY DOWN IN THE STREET.- WHAT?

- LAY DOWN IN FRONT OF THAT CAR.NOW, PLAID!

- OKAY!- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

- THIS IS SAFE, RIGHT, GUYS?- YEAH, HE'S JUST, LIKE,

TESTING OUR LOYALTY.IT'S, LIKE, A FRAT THING.

- STAY DOWN, PEASANTS!

- ALL RIGHT, UH,THEY'RE NOT STOPPING!

- LET IT HIT YOU!

- THEY'RE NOT STOPPING!PLEASE, STOP!

[tires screech]

- NO, THEY STOPPED.

- GAH!- AHH!

- YOU GUYS OKAY?- THEY'RE FINE!

AND I'M STAN HALEN.

- YEAH.- I'M AN OAKLEY REP.

SHARE THE LOVE.

- THROWBACK SHADES.COOL.

- YEAH!I'D LOVE A PAIR.

- LET ME GUESS.TRI DELTS?

- UM, YEAH, A FEW YEARS AGO.BUT WE'RE STILL BESTIES.

[laughter]- WE'RE KAPPA ZETA NU BOYS.

YOU LADIES WANNAGET DRUNK AS [bleep]

AND HAVE SOME ORGANIZED FUN,LIKE THE OLD DAYS?

UNLESS YOU CAN'T HANG.

- IT'S ON.- ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

- IT'S ON.15020 HALLMAN.

- WHOO.- CHANT IT.

- STAN, HOW THE HELLDID YOU JUST DO THAT?

- JETTAS EQUAL HOT CHICKS.

WATCH THE LEAGUE,YOU [bleep] ANDRE.

[laughter]- WHAT?

- YOU'RE A BITCH!

- NO, NO.NO, NO, NO, NO.

LEAVE 'EM ON.

- [whispers]HEY, ADAM!

WATCH THAT BOOB.

- [laughing]- [laughing hysterically]

BLAKE!- HUH?

- YOU GUYS LOOK WAY HOT.- THANK YOU.

- NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH!

- WHAT ARE YOU--- I'M TONGUE-[bleep]-ING HER.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- DO YOU NOT LIKE THAT?- NO!

CAN WE SWITCH?

- ALL RIGHT, COOL.VERY COOL.

- I DO.IT'S MONDAY.

- INITIATION DAY!

TONIGHT, YOU PLEDGESBECOME MEMBERS

OF KAPPA ZETA NU.

WHICH MEANSWE GOTTA DRINK THE HOUSE DRY.

RIGHT NOW!

- LET'S DO IT.- OH, MAN.

COME ON,I'M TOO SLEEPY THOUGH.

- YEAH, WE'RE INTO IT.WE JUST--WE NEED A LITTLE BREAK.

- OH, I'M SORRY.ARE YOU GUYS ON YOUR PERIODS?

all: NO.

- WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD,'CAUSE I AM.

- OH!- WHOA!

- UGH!- VERY GROSS.

- VODKA-SOAKED TAMPON.

ALCOHOL ABSORBS,LIKE, 50 TIMES FASTER

THROUGH THE POOPER.

- THAT'S COOL.- IT'S SCIENCE!

- IT'S GROSS, MAN!AND DANGEROUS, FOR SURE.

- DON'T BE GAY.PUT THIS IN YOUR BUTT.

- NO.

- YOU PUT THISIN YOUR SOUTH MOUTH RIGHT NOW,

OR NO KAPPA ZETA NU!

- I'M NOT PUTTING ANYTHINGUP MY BUTT.

THAT IS A PRIVILEGED AREAFOR MY FIRST WIFE ONLY,

IF SHE SO WANTSTO EXPLORE THERE.

- AIN'T A DAMN THINGCHANGED.

- I'LL DO IT.

IT'LL BE AN HONOR.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

- JUST SHOVE ITRIGHT UP THERE, HUH?

EW.

- GOOD DECISION.

YOU [bleep] BITCH!

- [laughing]YEAH!

- IT'S TOO LATE.- I'M A BITCH!

WHOO!- LATER, BOYS!

KAPPA ZETA NU ONLY.

- WHOO!I'M PART OF THE ZOO!

[mimicking monkey][barking]

IT'S LIKE A MONKEY-DOG.

- STICK THAT UP YOUR ASS NOW,YOU PUSSY!

- YES, SIR.

OH! WOW!

OH! HO!

OH, MY GOD, IT'S LIKEMY BUTTHOLE GRABBED IT.

THAT WAS EASY!IT JUST--

JESUS!- STAN!

IF THAT'SEVEN YOUR REAL NAME.

OR STEVE!OH, I BET IT'S STEVE.

OR IS IT MICHAEL?YOU LOOK LIKE A MICHAEL, MAN.

AND I'M GONNA BE PISSEDIF THAT'S YOUR NAME.

- I'M RIGHT HERE.

SORRY, I FELL ASLEEPWHILE STANDING.

IT'S EASY TO DO.- OH, NO.

- OH, MY GOD!ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?

OH, DIP!- OH, DIP.

- "OH, DIP"?ARE WE SAYING THAT NOW?

- YEAH, SOME FRAT DUDE SAID IT,SO WE'RE GONNA START USING IT.

OH!

- OH, I GOT--I GOT HAZED.

LOOKS COOL, HUH?

- UM...YEAH! NO, IT'S COOL.

- YEAH, SOMETIMESYOU GOTTA REINVENT YOURSELF.

MILEY CYRUS DID IT, RIHANNA.- NO, SHUT UP!

STOP, ADAM, STOP!LOOK, HERE'S THE DEAL.

HE WAS NEVER IN A FRAT.STAN'S LYING TO YOU.

- WHAT!- YEAH, HERE.

- THAT DOESN'T SEEM REAL.- IT'S REAL, TRUST ME.

- DUDES!YOU CAME BACK!

I MADE YOU DINNER.

AHH!

- STAN, IT'S GREATTO SEE YOU AND ALL,

BUT, UH,WE THINK YOU OUGHTA GO.

WE KNOW YOU WEREN'TIN KAPPA...

ZETA NU.

- REALLY?

WELL, IF I WASN'TIN KAPPA ZETA NU,

WOULD I DO THIS?

[screams]

[all gasp]

- OH, YEAH!

WHOO!- COOL!

- [screaming]OH, IT'S COME OUT PERFECT!

[laughs]

WOW, I MIGHT NEEDONE OF YOU BROS TO BLOW ON THIS.

[laughing]

WE ARE STARTING OUR OWN CHAPTEROF KAPPA ZETA NU.

AND MY MAIN RULE IS,ONCE YOU'RE IN,

YOU'RE NEVER GETTING OUT.

- OKAY, HEY, YOU GET THATHOT IRON THING AWAY FROM US.

- UGH,IT SMELLS LIKE BARBECUE.

LIKE A MEMPHIS RUB--AAH!

[all screaming]

I'M THE HERO!DID YOU SEE THAT?

I'M A HERO.

OH, SHIT.DON'T--DON'T RUN INTO THIS.

- [screaming]- CLOSE THE DOOR!

- [shrieking]

- TIME TO BECOMEFRATERNITY BROTHERS

FOREVER.

BUT WHERE'S THE MOST EPIC PLACETO BRAND YOU?

THE BICEP?MAYBE THE CALF?

- DRINK WHILE YOU THINK!

- WHAT?- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT PLACESTO BRAND US.

THAT MEANSYOU GOTTA BE DRINKING.

THAT'S YOUR RULE!- YEAH.

IT'S LIKE A MAIN ONE, RIGHT?

- FINE, MY BUZZIS WEARING OFF ANYWAY.

THEY'RE ALL EMPTY, BRO.

WE DRANK THE HOUSE!

- THAT MEANS YOU NEEDTO GO ON A BEER RUN

AND LEAVE US ALONE.- UH-UH.

YOU CAN'T LEAVE PLEDGESUNATTENDED.

I'LL FIND SOMETHINGTO DRINK.

- HEY! HEY!THIS HAS ALCOHOL IN IT.

JUST AN AIR FRESHENER THING.

- I'M NOT DRINKINGTHAT PUSSY PISS.

- WELL, THEN YOU'RE BREAKINGONE OF YOUR NUMBER ONE RULES,

YOU...PEASANT!

- PEASANT!- YEAH.

- OOH.- HE'S SCARED TO DRINK IT.

- YOU'RE A SCAREDLITTLE BITCH PEASANT.

- GO [bleep] YOURSELF,SAN DIEGO!

- NICE.[laughing]

CLASSIC LINE.- THAT WAS A GOOD LINE.

- IT'S SO GOOD!

ONCE IT HITS YOUR LIPS,IT'S SO GOOD.

OLD SCHOOL.

MILK WAS A...BAD CHOICE. ANCHORMAN.

ANCHORMAN.[groaning]

- WE MIGHT HAVE KILLED HIM,RIGHT?

- I DON'T THINK SO.WHAT ARE YOU--

- [screams]- COME ON, HEY.

- OH! TRY IT, TRY IT.- DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN.

HERE, LET ME DO IT.- THEY'RE GONNA KNOW THAT--

- [laughing]- HEY, GUYS, COME ON!

- JUST HAVE ONE, JUST HAVE ONE.- GROW UP, GROW UP.

IF YOU'RE GONNA DO IT,DO IT RIGHT ON THE ASS.

[beatboxing]

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