Wednesday, February 26, 2014

  • 02/26/2014

Natasha Leggero, Andy Daly and Rob Corddry create drunken movie titles, list bad Kickstarter projects and review baby poop sausage.

AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

#HASHTAGWARS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THE ACADEMY AWARDS ARE ON SUNDAY

AND THAT MEANS TWO THINGS: OSCARPARTIES AND HANGOVERS ON MONDAY.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#DRUNKFILMS.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE CAPTAIN MORGANPHILLIPS, LAST OF THE MOJITOS,

OR MILLER'S GENUINE DRAFTCROSSING.

(LAUGHTER)I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO!

ANDY.

>> WHISKY DICK TRACY.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: I CAN'T GET A BONER

RIGHT NOW.

POINTS.

NATASHA.

>> D.U.I. HEART HUCKABEES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

CORDDRY.

>> IT'S A MADD, MADD, MADD,MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

WELL DONE.

ANDY.

>> SCHINDLER'S WINE LIST.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS.

NATASHA.

>> THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THEUGLY AND I (BLEEP) ALL THREE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS.

ANDY.

>> KEG STAND BY ME.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> A CLOCKWORK ORANGE JUICE ANDVODKA ALSO KNOWN AS A CLOCKWORK

SCREWDRIVER.

>> Chris: YES, CLOCKWORKSCREWDRIVER, WELL PLAYED.

YES, POINTS.

ROB CORDDRY.

>> THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OFMILLER LIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: YES, I WILL GIVE YOU

THAT.

ANDY.

>> 12-YEAR-OLD SCOTCH A SLAVE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: LISTEN, AUDIENCE OFWHITE PEOPLE, CALM DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)NO RACIAL BOUNDARIES HAVE BEEN

VIOLATED IN THE PREVIOUS JOKE.

IT IS OKAY.

POINTS TO ANDY DALY.

>> THAT WAS IN GOOD TASTE.

>> I AM LEGEND AND I AM ANALCOHOLIC.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS, WELL DONE,

ROB CORDDRY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"SHOW NUFF" IS A TUMBLR THAT

FEATURES TERRIBLE P.R. PICTURES

FROM THE THEATRE OF THE UNITED

STATES.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO SHOW

YOU A P.R. STILL AND FOR 250

POINTS I WANT YOU TO BUZZ IN

WITH WHAT YOU THINK THE TITLE OF

THIS PLAY SHOULD BE.

ALL RIGHT?

HERE IS THIS ONE, HERE IS A GUY

PLAYING GOLF IN HIS OFFICE OFF A

LADY'S FACE.

YES, ROB CORDDRY.

>> DEATH OF A SALESMAN'S WIFE

DUE TO BLUNT HEAD TRAUMA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

I MEAN REALLY, THE ENTIRE PLOT

OF THE PLAY IS IN THE TITLE OF

THE PLAY.

>> IT IS THE WHOLE-- IT IS A

VERY SHORT, SHORT PLAY.

>> Chris: THE PLAY IS

LITERALLY--

>> AND IT ENDS WITH HER DYING,

SPOILER ALERT.

>> Chris: AFTER LIKE 45 SECONDS

HE JUST COMES OUT, THWICK, BOWS

AND THEN LEAVES.

(LAUGHTER)

IT WAS IN THE TITLE,

IT'S WHAT YOU GUYS THOUGHT.

>> I THOUGHT THIS PLAY WAS

CALLED "PUT YOUR BALLS IN MY

MOUTH."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

THIS NEXT ONE FEATURES AN OLD

TIMEY GUN.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

THERE IS AN OLD--

IT JUST LOOKS LIKE THEY WENT TO

ONE OF THOSE OLD TIMEY PHOTO

STUDIOS.

YES, NATASHA.

>> "THE DAILY SHOW".

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

THIS ONE HAS A KNIFE AND WHAT I

AM HOPING IS A ZUNE.

I DON'T KNOW...

...WHAT THAT IS.

SHE IS LISTENING TO TUNES AND

THIS OTHER GIRL IS GOING TO STAB

HER IN THE NECK.

WHAT IS THAT CALLED?

ROB CORDDRY.

>> WHO IS AFRAID OF VIRGINIA'S

KNIFE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, NATASHA.

>> MUCH ADO ABOUT COACHELLA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

I'M GOING TO READ YOU GUYS A

YELP REVIEW, JUST PART OF A

YELP REVIEW ABOUT WAXING, AND

YOU TELL ME IF THE REVIEWER IS

TALKING ABOUT PUTTING WAX ON A

A CAR, IN WHICH CASE YOU WOULD

SAY "WAX ON," OR ABOUT TAKING

THINGS OFF A LADY'S AREA

WITH WAX, IN WHICH YOU WOULD SAY

"WAX OFF."

>> PUBIC HAIR YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT?

>> Chris: I'M SORRY, WHAT?

>> PUBIC HAIR!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NO, THAT IS A CORRECT

ANSWER, BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

>> OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WAIT, I'M SORRY,

YES, 100 POINTS FOR ROB CORDDRY

FOR PUBIC HAIR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES WITH THIS

GAME YOU GOT TO JUST FILL IN

POINTS WHENEVER YOU CAN.

THIS FIRST ONE, "I DON'T KNOW

WHY THEY WON'T USE A HARD WAX

FOR THOSE TOUGH SPOTS,

BUT BECAUSE THEY DON'T,

I HAD TO QUIT GOING."

I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE WHERE

THIS IS GOING.

NATASHA LEGGERO.

>> I HAVE GOTTEN BIKINI WAXES

ALL OVER THE LAND, FROM THE

AIRPORT-- THIS IS --

>> Chris: WAIT, AT THE AIRPORT

THEY OF COURSE GIVE YOU THE

LANDING STRIP.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THEY USE CINNABON FROSTING

FOR WAX TOO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO IT IS DELICIOUS AND

COSMETIC.

>> HARD WAX I NEVER HEARD OF

THAT, THAT HAS GOT TO BE A CAR

THING.

SO WHATEVER YOUR ANSWER IS.

>> Chris: YOU THINK THIS IS A

CAR THING?

NO, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

WAX OFF!

WAX ON SPA.

>> WHAT ARE HER TOUGH SPOTS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I THINK IT'S BETWEEN

THE NORTH AND SOUTH POLE.

THAT'S A PRETTY TOUGH SPOT.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, "THANKS

BUDDY, NOW MY HOOD IS CLEAN

BUT THERE ARE SCRATCHES FROM YOU

PICKING AT IT."

(LAUGHTER)

I KNOW WHICH ONE I HOPE THIS IS.

ROB CORDDRY.

>> I MEAN, IT'S GOT TO BE WAX ON

BUT I'M HOPING IT'S WAX OFF.

I WILL TAKE THE ZERO.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER

IS IN FACT WAX ON.

>> BOO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> MAN, THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A

CLEAN HOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WINCHESTER GANGSTER

IN THE HOUSE!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEXT ONE: "NOBODY WILL PUT

THEIR FINGERS IN YOUR STUFF."

(LAUGHTER)

I JUST SAW LIKE THREE WOMEN IN

THE FRONT ROW JUST LIKE THIS.

YES, ANDY DALY.

>> I THINK IT HAS GOT TO BE WAX

ON, BECAUSE YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS

WANT TO PUT THEIR FINGERS IN

YOUR STUFF.

>> Chris: YEAH, THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS WAX ON FROM MADISON

CAR WASH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TOLD YOU THAT livescience.com

HAS DISCOVERED THAT SAUSAGES

WITH BABY POOP IN THEM ARE

SURPRISINGLY HEALTHY FOR YOU.

I ASKED YOU TO WRITE A YELP

REVIEW OF A RESTAURANT THAT

SERVES BABY POOP SAUSAGE.

ANDY DALY.

>> THE SAUSAGES WERE DELICIOUS,

BUT WHEN WE ASKED TO MEET THE

BABY THAT PROVIDED THE POOP, IT

REFUSED TO COME TO THE TABLE.

THAT'S JUST RUDE.

THREE STARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: MAN, BABIES ARE

ASSHOLES!

NATASHA.

>> NOT A FAN OF THIS SMALL

BATCH ARTISANAL MILK FED FETUS

POOP, BUT IT'S STILL BETTER THAN

VEGAN FOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WELL DONE.

MR. CORDDRY.

>> COME FOR THE BABY POOP, STAY

FOR THE PLACENTA.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

KICKSTART IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE ARE SOME FANTASTIC, VERY

WORTHWHILE KICKSTARTER PROJECTS

OUT THERE, UNFORTUNATELY THERE

ARE WAY TOO MANY THAT NO ONE IN

THEIR RIGHT MINDS WOULD INVEST

IN.

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO COME UP WITH AS MANY

KICKSTARTER PROJECTS THAT ARE

LESS DESERVING OF FUNDING THAN

THE ACTUAL ONES, ALL RIGHT?

250 POINTS FOR EACH FUNNY

PROJECT.

60 SECONDS AND GO.

NATASHA.

>> PAY ZACH BRAFF'S RENT.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

ROB CORDDRY.

>> A BABY POOP SAUSAGE

RESTAURANT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> BRING MY EROTIC "GOLDEN

GIRLS" FAN FICTION TO THE BIG

SCREEN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB CORDDRY.

>> SOCKS FOR YOUR HANDS, THEY

ARE NOT GLOVES.

I CAN'T -- IT IS HARD TO EXPLAIN

IT VERBALLY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE THE WHOLE

TITLE, "IT'S VERY DIFFICULT."

>> IT IS DIFFERENT, TRUST ME.

>> Chris: ANDY DALY.

>> HAIRCUTS FOR STARVING

CHILDREN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

NATASHA.

>> ABORTION DOCTOR TIP

CALCULATOR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDY.

>> WANT TO MAKE A SHOT FOR SHOT

REMAKE OF "AFTER EARTH" WITH ALL

THE ORIGINAL ACTORS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

NATASHA.

>> WOODY ALLEN ORPHAN SAFE

HOUSE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I GOT TO GIVE HER

POINTS.

I GOT TO GIVE HER POINTS.

ANDY DALY.

>> THREE WORDS: VIETNAMESE SEX

SLAVE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO YOU'RE RAISING A

FUND TO KICKSTART THAT?

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU PAYING FOR?

>> FOR THE SLAVE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

>> YOU KNOW, TO HAVE ONE.

>> Chris: YES, SURE, SURE, SURE.

(BUZZER)

ROB CORDDRY, ONE MORE.

>> BEYONCE-MAN.

I HOPE I STRESSED JUST HOW

IMPORTANT THAT VIDEO IS TO ME.

OKAY.

>> Chris: GOOD, I WILL GIVE YOU

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