Wednesday, November 9, 2016

  • 11/09/2016

Megan Neuringer, Vladimir Caamano and Chris D'Elia imagine how Barack Obama will break the ice with President-elect Donald Trump and make up #WeedQuotes.

I realize

we're all a salad-spinnerof emotions right now, you know.

And, yeah, and feelwhat you've got to feel.

You know, feel whatyou got to feel.

But the way I see it,

now is not the timeto abandon America, you guys.

You don't want to go off and cryin some hockey player's mullet.

You got to stay here.

-The most...-(applause and cheering)

And I love Canada, but the mostAmerican thing you can do

is stay here, be the best youyou can be,

make your community better.

Work, love your family,be good to people.

(applause and cheering)

Because I wantto tell you something.

I want to tell you something,

now that I'm havingmy (bleep) Oprah moment.

Now I wantto tell you something.

At the end of the day,it is people,

it is each and every oneof you,

it is you watchingthat make a country great.

Not some clownsitting in the White House

-who thinks they can...-(cheers and applause)

Like, we are too...

We put too much poweron that person,

whoever that person was gonnabe, to make our lives better.

We have to make our (bleep)lives better, so don't...

-(applause and cheering)-You guys make America great.

You (bleep) make America great.

The soon to be ex-presidentand ex, ex,

and then probablyre-smoker took a break

from shaking his headat the American flag

to invite Trump to visitthe White House tomorrow.

You know, that little condo

where Trump's gonna beslumming it for a while.

Comedians, I'm sure

there's boundto be some awkward moments.

What's Obama gonna say toDonald Trump to break the ice?

-Chris D'Elia.-Uh, welcome.

Do want to seethe upstairs bathroom,

or do you just want to takea (bleep) on the Constitution?

-(laughter, cheers and applause)-HARDWICK: Uh...

Well...

I'll give you points.

Constitution's not atthe White House, but I love you.

-Uh... uh... Vlad.-(laughter)

Hey, Donald, I made history bybeing the first black president.

You made historyby being the first orange one.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)

-Points. Yeah.-(applause and cheering)

Megan.

I think he'll say, don't shoot.

HARDWICK:Oh (bleep). Oh, my God.

And now, y'all, it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

Last night our liveswere forever changed.

History will mark thisas the most pivotal moment

that will influencethe rest of time.

It will be known as"The day the Earth stood chill."

The day when Maine,Massachusetts,

Nevada and Californiavoted to...

legalize recreational useof marijuana in this state.

(cheering, whistling, applause)

I don't smoke pot.You all think it's great.

I take your word for it.

Uh... the couple times I did it,

I just thought if I didn'tconcentrate on my heart,

it would stop beating--I did not enjoy the experience.

Uh, historymay not have gotten to record

its first female presidentin the books, but...

at least we can look forwardto the day

the social studies teacherhas to teach our kids

about the Mary Jane.

That is why tonight's hashtagis #WeedQuotes.

Examples might be--

(like Bogart): Here's lookingat you for six hours, lava lamp.

And, One small step for man,one giant leap for...

Oh, (bleep), is that the Earth?Aw, that's crazy.

We're, like, so small up here.

Aw, I can't even believe it.Aw, man!

I'm gonna put 60...

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Megan. -(like De Niro):You tokin' to me?

-Points. very good.-Are you tokin' to me?

Chris.

First rule of Fight Club is...

Wait, what was I saying?

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

Megan.

(British accent):Bong. James Bong.

Very good. Yes, points.

Vlad.

Don't ask what weedcan do for you,

-but how can I get weed?-All right, points.

-Megan. -Nobody putsBlueberry Kush in the corner.

-All right, points.-(cheering, applause)

D'Elia.

The only thing we have to fear

is that van that's beenoutside of the window all day.

(laughter, applause)

-Points.-Do you see that van?

Megan.

Life is likea box of chocolates.

Just be really carefulwith the dose.

All right, points.

-D'Elia. -(like Pacino):Say hello to my little friend,

-Woody Harrelson.-(laughter)

Points.

Vlad.

I think we're gonna needa bigger blunt.

-Points. Very good.-(laughter, groans)

-Megan. -Love is patient,love is kind,

love passed the dutchieon the left-hand side.

-Yes, points. Points.-(cheering, applause)