Monday, September 14, 2015

  • 09/14/2015

Seth Green, Craig Ferguson and Greg Proops offer #MarriageAdvicein3Words, guess the price of a life-size Batman statue and compete for the title of Mr. Midnight.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES,

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

NBC ANNOUNCED TODAY THATSENTIENT REFRIGERATOR ARNOLD

SCHWARZENEGGER WILL BE REPLACING TRUMP AS HOST OF THE

UPCOMING SEASON OF "CELEBRITYAPPRENTICE."

THIS IS A PERFECT FITBECAUSE SCHWARZENEGGER IS

ALSO A LARGER-THAN-LIFECELEBRITY TURNED POLITICIAN

ALTHOUGH HE SEEMS TO BE MOREIN FAVOR OF HISPANIC NANNIES

THAN TRUMP IS.

>> I SEE YOU WHAT YOU DID.

>> Chris: WHAT, WHAT?

>> VERY GOOD.

>> Chris: ALTHOUGH, I'MSURE-- I'M SURE TRUMP WILL

BE LIKE, "WHAT, I [BLEEP] 'EM. IJUST DON'T WANT THEM HERE."

NOW THAT THE DONALD IS OUTAND THE ARNOLD IS IN,

COMEDIANS GIVE A CLASSICSCHWARZENEGGER CATCHPHRASE

UPDATED FOR USE IN THEBOARDROOM.

SETH GREEN.

>> HELLO I.T. DEPARTMENT, YOURINTERNET IS DOWN.

>> Chris: THAT WAS VERYGOODS, ACTUALLY, VERY GOOD.

MR. PROOPS.

>> EVERYBODY GET TO THECOPIER.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS,PERFECT, PERFECT.

IT'S NOW TIME

FOR THE #HASHTAGWARS.

(APPLAUSE)THIS IS A VERY BIG WEEKEND.

I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT@MIDNIGHT WON AN EMMY OVER

THE WEEKEND WHICH IS-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WE GOT AN EMMYAWARD.

AND THEN I ALSO GOTTEN ENGAGED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I GOT ENGAGED.

I KNOW.

>> HEY.

>> CAN I SAY ONETHING?

FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONSTWICE OVER,

AND ACTUALLY A THIRDCONGRATULATIONS FOR THE

CREEPIEST PICTURE OF YOU IHAVE EVER SEEN OF YOU IN MY

LIFE.

YOU'RE A HANDSOME YOUNG MAN, ANDLOOK AT THAT. "HEY, HEY, YOU

SEEN MY LADY? YEAH!"

>> Chris: THAT'S EXACTLYWHAT IT IS. WHAT I THINK THAT

IS IS SORT OF LIKE, "SHE'S WAYOUT OF MY LEAGUE."

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: YEAH THAT IS MY--

>> SHE KIND OF IS THOUGH.

>> Chris: SHE REALLY IS.

I COMPLETELY--THIS IS MYGIRLFRIEND, LYDIA HEARST.

THIS WILL BE THE FIRSTHEARST WEDDING IN HISTORY TO

INCLUDE THINK GEEK ON THEWEDDING REGISTRY.

I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

WE WENT TO THE EMMYS, I TOOKHER TO THE CHATEAU MARMONT

AFTERWARDS AND SAID THERE'S ANAFTERPARTY HERE, BUT THEN THE

AFTERPARTY--I HAD THEM JUSTTHROW WILDFLOWERS ALL OVER THE

ROOM AND I PROPOSED TO HERAND SHE SAID YES

AND NOT "POINTS," WHICH WASKIND OF DISAPPOINTING.

THAT WAS THE ONE OPPORTUNITY SHE COULD HAVE HAD.

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: BUT YOU KNOW,

COMEDIANS, YOU GUYS ARE ALLMARRIED.

I RESPECT ALL OF YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECTFROM THIS.

SO THAT IS WHY TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS

#MARRIAGEADVICEIN3WORDS.

#MARRIAGEADVICEIN3WORDS

I DON'T WANT KNOW WHY YOUARE ALREADY UPSET ABOUT

THAT.

THIS COULD BE GOOD ADVICEYOU COULD TAKE INTO YOUR OWN

LIVES.

THAT'S VERY JUDGEY OF YOU.

EXAMPLES MIGHT INCLUDE: OLIVEGARDEN HONEYMOON OR ROBERT

DURST FAN, OR NOT DYING ALONE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK, STARTING NOW.

CRAIG FERGUSON.

>> OPEN TO ANAL.

(LAUGHTER)YEAH!

YEAH!

COME ON, YEAH!

>> Chris: SETH.

>> REMEMBER HER NAME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GREG PROOPS.

>> ASK KIM DAVIS.

>> Chris: POINTS, SETH GREEN.

>> LOCK BATHROOM DOOR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> SMELL MY FINGER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THAT'S NOT EVEN A THING.

THAT'S NOT EVEN-- I JUSTHAVEN'T SAID THAT IN A WHILE

IT WAS THREE WORDS.

>> Chris: AM I ASKING MYFUTURE WIFE TO SMELL MY

FINGER?

THAT WOULD BE SO WEIRD.

ALL RIGHT.

>> NO, I MEANT SMELL MYFINGER.

>> Chris: POINTS, SETH.

>> EVENTUALLY YOU'LL DIE.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

MR. PROOPS.

>> GOT A SISTER?

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

CRAIG FERGUSON.

>> DENY, DENY, DENY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYeBAY PRICE IS RIGHT!

COMEDIANS, COME ON DOWN BUTNOT REALLY.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU ANASSORTMENT OF AMAZING ITEMS

AVAILABLE ON YOUR UNCLE'SFAVORITE WEB SITE,

ELECTRONIC BAY.

THE COMEDIAN WHO COMESCLOSEST TO THE ACTUAL PRICE

WITHOUT GOING OVER WILL WINA BRAND-NEW POINTS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT OUR

FIRST ITEM UP FOR BID.

IT IS A GRANDMA-KNITTEDBOOBIES BEER KOOZIE.

HELP KEEP YOUR CAN OR BOTTLEBEVERAGE SUPERCOLD WHILE

KEEPING YOUR HANDS WARM ANDDRY. PICK UP SOME EXTRA

ONES BECAUSE EVERYONE THATSEES IT WILL WANT YOURS.

THIS SELLER ALSO SAYS THISIS A GREAT QUALITY ITEM AND

REALLY GIVES THAT HOMEMADEGRANDMA FEEL TO IT.

COMEDIANS WHAT DO YOU BIDWITH THIS CANS ON CAN

ACTION.

SETH GREEN.

>> WELL, I LOVE MY GRANDMA.

AND I REALLY, EVER SINCE MYGRANDMA GOT HER BOOBS DONE

THEY DEFINITELY LOOK LIKETHAT.

SO I'M GOING TO SAY OH, GOD,I WANT IT SO BAD.

I'M GOING TO SAY THAT IT'S49 DOLLARS.

>> Chris: 49 DOLLARS.

CRAIG FERGUSON.

>> DO THAT THING WITH THEMICROPHONE YOU DID THERE.

OH MY GOD.

>> WHAT DO YOU BID FOR THIS?

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU FORTHAT ADVICE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE SOME EXPERIENCE WITHBREASTS. SORRY EVERYBODY

ELSE IN THIS PANEL. AND I--THEYACTUALLY, IN MY

EXPERIENCE THEY DON'T COOLTHINGS DOWN, THEY DON'T COOL

THINGS DOWN, THEY GET ALITTLE SWEATY AND STUFF SO,

I'M SAYING IT'S NOT THATGOOD FOR COOLING YOUR

BEVERAGE. GREAT FOREVERYTHING ELSE.

I'M GOING TO GO WITH, YOU KNOW,A BUCK.

>> Chris: OKAY, A DOLLAR,ONE DOLLAR.

>> ALL RIGHT, GREG PROOPS.

>> ALL RIGHT, GREG PROOPS.

>> WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

>> BEST SHOW EVER.

>> Chris: THIS PRICE WASVERY RIGHT.

MR. PROOPS?

>> WELL, THIS GOES PERFECTLYWITH MY

GRANDMA-KNITTED VAGINA.

I'M GOING TO SAY $4.

>> Chris: $49, $1, $4.

ACTUAL BUY IT NOW PRICE:$10.42.

GREG PROOPS GETS THE POINTS.

NEXT ITEM UP FOR BID IS ALIFESIZE STATUE OF YOUR

FAVORITE BATMAN, GEORGECLOONEY.

THERE HE IS.

COMEDIANS WHAT WOULD YOU BIDFOR THIS UNIQUE PIECE OF

MEMORABILIA OF A MOVIE KNOWNMAINLY FOR THE FACT THAT

BATMAN HAD HARD NIPPLES INIT? THIS TIME, LET'S START

WITH YOU MR. PROOPS. WHAT DOYOU BID FOR THIS GEORGE

CLOONEY AS BATMAN?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY FOR ALIFESIZE ONE LIKE THAT IT'S

GOT TO GO FOR AT LEAST $150.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, $150.

CRAIG FERGUSON?

>> WHAT WOULD YOU BID FORTHIS?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY $248.

>> Chris: $248 FOR CRAIGFERGUSON.

SETH GREEN?

CLOONEY AS BATMAN, NOTHAVING THE ACCOMPANYING

MEMORABLE ROLE OF CHRISO'DONNELL AS ROBIN.

WHAT DO YOU BID FOR THIS?

>> WELL, OBVIOUSLY-- THANKS,EVERYBODY. THAT'S A LOT TO

CONSIDER.

I'M GOING TO SAY IT IS$1,000.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, $1,000.

THE ACTUAL BUY ITNOW PRICE $5,604.99.

SETH GREEN GETS THE POINTSON THAT ONE.

>> THAT IS THE END OF eBAYPRICE IS RIGHT.

AND NOW-- ♪

BEFORE THE BREAK I ASKED YOUTO PREPARE AN ANSWER TO A

BEAUTY PAGEANT-STYLEQUESTION TO COMPETE FOR THE

TITLE OF MR. MIDNIGHT.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH.

SETH ALL OF OUR CONTESTANTSARE PHYSICALLY BEAUTIFUL BUT

WHAT DO YOU THINKCONSTITUTES TRUE INNER

BEAUTY?

>> SOMEONE WHO IS TRUE TOTHEMSELVES AND NEVER GIVES

UP ON THEIR DREAM.

AND IS REALLY RICH AND ISALSO EXTREMELY PHYSICALLY

LIKE FLAWLESSLY BEAUTIFUL.

LIKE KHLOE KARDASHIAN.

>> Chris: REALLY GOOD.

REALLY GOOD.

CRAIG, IF YOU HAD A TIMEMACHINE WHAT WOULD YOU GO

BACK AND TELL YOUR YOUNGERSELF?

>>> DON'T DO LATE NIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: GREG, SAY IF

YOU COULD HAVE DINNER WITHANYONE LIVING OR DEAD, WHO

WOULD IT BE, MUFFIN?

>> THANK YOU MR. HARD DICK.

IF I COULD HAVE DINNER WITHANYONE LIVING OR DEAD I

WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE LIVING

ON ACCOUNT OF DEAD PEOPLEARE SAD.

HAIR'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.

IF THERE'S ONE THING THEINTERNET HAS TAUGHT ME IS MY

CURRENT HAIRCUT IS THE WORSTTHING TO HAPPEN ON

TELEVISION SINCE THE "LOST"FINALE.

WELL, THE REST OF MYHAIR IS IN PURGATORY, THAT'S

WHAT IT IS.

PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.IT'S HAIR. IT GROWS BACK. WHO

GIVES A [BLEEP]."

BUT COMEDIANS I WILL SHOWYOU TRULY HORRIFYING

HAIRCUTS FROM THE SUBREDDIT,JUST [BLEEP] MY [BLEEP] UP,

AND I WANT TO YOU TELL MEWHAT THEY TOLD THE BARBER TO

DO.

I WILL START THE CLOCK NOW.

FIRST ONE.

>> CRAIG FERGUSON.

>> MAKE ME LOOK LIKE I'MJUST BEING BORN.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

SETH.

>> MAKE ME LOOK LIKE BURNINGMAN ANDY SAMBERG.

>> Chris: GREG PROOPS.

>> YOU THINK SEA WORLD ISCRUEL TO WHALES?

>> Chris: POINTS.

CRAIG FERGUSON.

>> I WANT TO LOOK LIKE I'MTOO SHORT FOR MY MUSTACHE.

>> Chris: POINTS.