Bone Thugs-n-Homeless

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 10/24/2012

Why are there no more rap groups? Keegan and Jordan have an answer.

[Hail to the Chief plays]

- GOOD EVENING,MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

WITH ME AS ALWAYSIS MY ANGER TRANSLATOR, LUTHER.

- BOOM, MITT!

I SUNK YOUR BATTLESHIP,BITCH!

WHAT'S UP?

- TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,I JUST WANT TO SAY

THE DEBATES ARE OVER,BUT NOW IS NOT A TIME

TO TALLY POINTS OR TO, UH,KEEP THE SCORE.

- 2-1, OBAMA.

GAME, SET, MATCH,TOUCHDOWN, HOMERUN, CHECKMATE.

CAN WE GET BACK TO WORK NOW?

- GOVERNOR ROMNEY,IN THE RECENT DEBATE,

I LAID OUT THE INCONSISTENCIESIN YOUR STATED BELIEFS.

- OKAY, GOVERNOR ROM--LISTEN.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A LITTLE--

GOVERNOR ROMNEY,WHY YOU SMILING

WHILE YOU'RE GETTINGYOUR ASS KICKED?

ARE WE DEBATING,

OR ARE YOU TRYINGTO SELL ME A LEXUS?

- I DIRECTLY QUESTIONED YOUABOUT YOUR OPPOSITION

TO THE AUTO INDUSTRY BAILOUT.

- ON BEHALF OF ALL THE PEOPLEIN DETROIT

THAT WANT TO STAB YOU,I ASK AGAIN,

WHY ARE YOU SMILING?

- I ASKED YOU ABOUTYOUR STANCE ON SYRIA,

WHICH YOU CALLEDIRAN'S ROUTE TO THE SEA.

- HEY...DUMMY...LOOK!

IRAN IS ON THE SEA.

SYRIA'S TWO GOD DAMNCOUNTRIES THIS WAY.

BAM...WHICH IS A CITY IN IRAN.

- I EVEN REMINDED YOUTHAT HORSES AND BAYONETS

ARE NOT STRATEGICALLY VALIDIN MODERN WARFARE.

- SO LIKE I SAID, IT'S TIMETO WIPE THAT SMUG SMILE

OFF YOUR SWEATY, SWEATY,PASTY-ASS SWEATY FACE.

I MEAN, MITT,DO YOU NEED A TOWEL?

BECAUSE YOUR FACE ISSTRAIGHT UP RAINING.

- I SPOKE ABOUT BRINKSMANSHIPWITH IRAN,

AND YOU JUST SAIDYOU WANTED A PEACEFUL PLANET.

- I MEAN, WHO LETWAVY GRAVY UP IN HERE?

I'M SORRY, MITT.

IF YOU WANT TO BE THE FIRSTMORMON HIPPIE,

YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO GROWYOUR HAIR OUT, DOG.

[shrieking]AND QUIT SMILING!

[bleep]!THIS [bleep]...

- THERE WERE MANY TIMESWHERE YOU EVEN, UH,

INEXPLICABLY AGREED WITH ME.

- STOP AGREEING WITH ME!

ARE YOU TRYINGTO BODY SNATCH ME

AND BECOME MEFOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS

OF THE ELECTION?

I MEAN, WHAT'S--I'M SORRY, TIME OUT.

SIR, I'M, LIKE,LEGITIMATELY CONCERNED

THAT HE'S LIKE AN INSANE,RICH, CRAZY PERSON WHO--

- LUTHER...- WAIT, OKAY, YEAH.

- CALM DOWN NOW.- OKAY.

- I ASSURE YOU,GOVERNOR ROMNEY'S NOT INSANE.

- OKAY.- THANK.

- NO PROBLEM.- IN CONCLUSION...

I GREATLY APPRECIATED OUREXCHANGE ON FOREIGN POLICY.

- BUT WE ALL KNOW THE ONLYCOUNTRY THAT MATTERS...

IS OHIO.

- YOU SWEATY, SMILEY,

NEVER-GONNA-BE-PRESIDENTLOOKING MOTHER-[bleep].

- WHAT?- HEY...

LOOSING UP A LITTLE BITOVER HERE.

- AND IT'S JUST ABOUT[bleep] TIME.

[car horns honking]

all: ♪ BONE BONE BONE BONE

♪ BONE THUGS AND HOMELESS

♪ BONE BONE BONE

- ♪ SAID, BRAH,THAT'S WHAT WE GONNA DO ♪

- ♪ WHERE HAS EVERYBODY GONE

all: ♪ GONE GONE

- ♪ WHERE HAVEALL THE PEOPLE GONE ♪

- ♪ HOW DID WE GO BROKE

all: ♪ THINK OF ALLTHE LOST HOES ♪

- ♪ SOMEHOW WE MUST'VE TAKEN

all: ♪ A WRONG TURNAT CROSSROADS ♪

- ♪ MAYBE WE SHOULD CHANGEOUR FLOW ♪

all: ♪ BUT OUR FLOWIS TIGHT THOUGH ♪

- ♪ THE HARMONY THINGSEEMS OLD ♪

- ♪ SOMETHINGDON'T SMELL RIGHT, YO ♪

- ♪ WE SMELLING LIKE HELLAND NOT DOING TOO WELL ♪

♪ AND WE LIVE IN A SYSTEMWHERE NOBODY'S GIVING AWAY ♪

all: ♪ EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY

♪ POOP IN DIFFERENTALLEYWAYS ♪

- ♪ HOMELESS all: ♪ BONE

- ♪ HOMELESS BONE,HOMELESS BONE, YEAH ♪

all: ♪ WE PISS AND POOPIN DIFFERENT ALLEYWAYS ♪

- ♪ CAN SOMEBODY SPARESOME CHANGE ♪

all: ♪ WE SPENT ALL OUR MONEY

- ♪ CAN SOMEBODY--ANYBODY--SPARE SOME CHANGE ♪

all: ♪ LISTEN TO OUR TUMMIES

[stomachs growling rhythmically]

- ♪ HEY, MAN,I MISS MY UNCLE CHARLES, Y'ALL ♪

♪ HE HAD SOME GALL,HAVING A BALL ♪

♪ BROTHER CAN'T EVENRETURN MY CALLS ♪

♪ BONE - ♪ BONE

- ♪ BONE, YEAH

all: ♪ BONE THUGSAND HOMELESS BONE ♪

♪ BONE THUGS AND HOMELESS BONE

♪ BONE THUGSAND HOMELESS BONE ♪

- ♪ WE'RE SO HUNGRY...WE'LL EAT A BONE ♪

BROCK FAVORS HERE.

FILLING IN FOR CHAD ARMSTRONG

WHO IS OUT SICK TODAY.

WE ARE HERE LIVEAT THE METRO POLICE DEPARTMENT

K-9 TRAINING FACILITY,

AND WE ARE GOING TO BE LEARNINGSOME APPREHENSION TECHNIQUES

USED BY THE K-9 UNIT.

NOW, OFFICER HANSON, UH, I WILLBE PLAYING THE ASSAILANT TODAY.

IS THAT CORRECT?- YEAH, THAT'S CORRECT.

- NOW, OFFICER HANSON,

I AM PERFECTLY SAFEIN THIS SUIT RIGHT?

- YEAH, YOU'RE 100% SAFE.

IN FACT, THOSE ARE THE SUITSWE USE FOR OFFICER TRAINING.

- ALL RIGHT!WELL, THERE YOU GO.

WELL, KIDS, MAKE SURETHAT YOU DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

WITH YOUR CHIHUAHUAS.

OW! OW! OW![bleep]!

GET THIS [bleep] OFF OF ME!GET THIS [bleep] OFF OF ME!

DAMN!GET THIS [bleep] OFF OF ME!

[bleep]!

OH, GOD DAMN!OH, GOD DAMN!

OH, [bleep]!WHOO!

OKIE DOKEY.I AM SORRY...

THAT, UH, YOU ALL JUST HEARD MEUSE THAT INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE.

THAT WAS VERY UNCALLED FOR.

- WHEN YOU PANIC LIKE THAT...- YEAH.

- HE THINKS YOU'RE MOREOF A THREAT THAN YOU ARE.

- UH-HUH.

- THAT'S WHEN HE'S GONNABITE DOWN HARDER.

- OKAY, WELL, I WILL...MAKE AN EFFORT THIS TIME TO...

REALLY TRY AND BEAS CALM AS POSSIBLE

EVEN THOUGH IT ISVERY DIFFICULT TO BE CALM

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE LION'S DEN.

OR SHOULD I SAYTHE DOGGIE DEN?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[screaming]OH, [bleep]!

OH, [bleep]!THIS DOG IS EATING MY JUNK!

HE'S EATING MY JUNK!NO!

OH, [bleep]!HE'S GOT MY JUNK!

AGHH! OH, MY GOD!GET HIM OFF ME!

[happy music]

AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

- BUT YOU CAN'T SAYTHE NAME OF THE CELEBRITY

OR ANY PART OF THEIR NAME,GOT IT?

- YEAH.- YEAH, WE GOT IT.

- WE GOT IT.- YOU ARE SO GONNA LOSE.

- BABY, YOU ARE GOING DOWN.

- WHY DON'T YOU START THE TIMERAND BE AMAZED?

- AND...GO.

- OKAY, THIS GUY--"E" EQUALS MC SQUARED.

- ALBERT EINSTEIN.- YES, THAT IS CORRECT.

- WHAT?EASY. HELLO?

- OKAY, THIS IS THE TERMINATOR.

- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!- YEAH!

OKAY, WE GOT--WE GOT--

TALKING ABOUT, UH..."ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

- ROBERT DE NIRO!- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

ALL RIGHT.ALL RIGHT.

THIS PERSON PRETEND TO BESTRAIGHT BUT HE'S REALLY GAY.

- ME!

[timer ticking]

- UH, UH--HE IS, UH--[clears throat]

EXCUSE ME.HE'S LIVING LA VIDA LOCA.

- ME.

- IT'S--- NO.

- OKAY.- HE'S A, UM...

LATIN POP STAR.

- I'M NOT A LATIN POP STAR.

- NO, YOU ARE NOT.

IT'S NOT YOU.

"HE BANGS, HE BANGS."

- OH, RICKY MARTIN.

- THAT IS CORRECT.

- I WROTE THAT ONE TOO.

[ding]

OUT HERE RIGHT NOW.

- 'SUP, LADIES?- WATCH THIS, WATCH THIS.

YO, TYRELL.

- YO, WHAT UP, LAWRENCE?

- HEY, MAN, YOU WANNA PLAYFRONT HAND, BACK HAND?

- I DON'T KNOW THAT GAME, MAN.- IT'S EASY, DOG.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SAY"FRONT HAND" OR "BACK HAND."

- AIGHT, FRONT HAND.- UGH!

[all laughing]

BAM! I GOT YOU, SUCKA!

- OH, OKAY.OKAY.

I SEE HOW IT IS NOW.

- COME ON, MAN.

COME ON, YOU KNOWTHAT [bleep] WAS FUNNY.

- BACK HAND.- HUH?

- IT'S STILL MY MOVE, RIGHT?I CHOOSE BACK HAND THIS TIME.

- REALLY?

- BACK HAND, [bleep]!

- UH--

all: OH![laughter]

- GOD DAMN!

- LOOK, TY, I'M SORRY.

BUT I AIN'T SORRY,KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I MEAN, YOU ASKED FOR IT.

I MEAN,YOU LITERALLY ASKED FOR IT.

- FRONT HAND!

- WHAT? NO.WHY YOU WANNA HIT--

- I...GOT IT!I FIGURED IT OUT.

FRONT HAND!

NO, BACK HAND!BACK HAND!

- NO, LOOK, LOOK.

DUDE, HEY, IF YOU WANT METO SLAP YOU ACROSS THE FACE

BACK HAND, I'LL DO IT, OKAY?

DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT.

BUT YOU KNOW THATI'M [bleep] WITH YOU, RIGHT?

I MEAN, THERE AIN'T NO GAMECALLED "FRONT HAND, BACK HAND."

- OH!- RIGHT. YEAH, YEAH.

- OH, DOG!

YEAH, I GET IT.I GET IT.

ALL RIGHT,ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

AS SOON AS I GET GOODAT FRONT HAND, BACK HAND,

YOU WANNA STOP PLAYING.

- PLAY WHAT, MAN?

I MADE IT UP SO I COULDSMACK YOU IN THE FACE.

- I'M ABOUT TO SMACK YOUIN THE FACE

AS SOON AS IT'S MY TURN.BACK HAND!

- THERE AIN'T NO TURNS,[bleep],

'CAUSE IT AIN'T NO GAME.

- YOU AIN'T GOT NO GAME,[bleep].

BACK HAND!

AGHH!

FRONT HAND.

- LOOK, I DON'T KNOWIF YOU'RE [bleep] WITH ME

AT THIS POINT OR WHAT...

BUT I DON'T WANNA...SMACK A [bleep] NO MORE.

- [exaggerated laughter]WHERE YOU GOING THEN?

OKAY, FORFEIT.

FORFEIT, [bleep], I WIN!I WIN FRONT HAND, BACK HAND!

OKAY.ME AND YOU.

[bleep], ME AND YOU.ME AND YOU.

HMM?BACK HAND.

AH!

- OH!

[buzzer]

- THIS NOVEMBER,YOU GOTTA GET OUT AND VOTE!

- YOUR VOTE GETS COUNTED

WITH THE REST OF THE VOTESIN THE COUNTRY

AND THEY GET SENT OFFTO THE...

- WHAT'S THAT?

- THE ELECTORAL COLLEGEARE A BUNCH OF OFFICIALS

WHO DO THE VOTING FOR US.

SO IN CASE WE ELECTTHE WRONG PERSON,

THEY CAN FIX THAT SHIZ!

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.HOLD UP.

WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?

- WELL, NO ONE KNOWS FOR SURE,

BUT WHOEVER THEY IS,

THEY THE FOLKSWHO ACTUALLY DO THE REAL VOTING

AFTER WE DO OUR...

YEAH!

- POWER TO THE--- HOLD THE [bleep] ON!

YOU'RE TELLING MEOUR VOTES DON'T MATTER?

- OUR VOTES ARE LIKE...

- SO THIS NOVEMBER,WE SHOULD--

- YEAH!

- HELLO? THANKS FOR CALLINGMARIO'S PIZZA.

THIS IS CARLOS SPEAKING.

- HELLO.

WE WOULD LIKE A LARGE PIE

WITH PEPPERONI, PINEAPPLE,AND CHEESY CRUST.

- LARGE PEPPERONIWITH PINEAPPLE AND CHEESY CRUST.

- WE WOULD ALSO LIKEA LARGE PIE

WITH BACON, PINEAPPLE,

AND...CHEESY CRUST.

- LARGE BACON, PINEAPPLE,WITH CHEESY CRUST. OKAY.

IS THAT GONNA COMPLETEYOUR ORDER, SIR?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?LET ME GAUGE THE ROOM.

UH, GUYS, ARE WE GONNA WANTANOTHER PIZZA?

LET ME JUST--WHO'S HUNGRY?SHOW OF HANDS.

LET ME SEE 'EM.

ONE, TWO, THREE.KEEP 'EM UP.

FOUR, FIVE, SIX.

- AH, HAVING A PARTY.[chuckling]

- YUP.PRETTY BIG ONE TOO.

COME ON, GUYS,KEEP 'EM UP.

HUGO, SUMMER?HANDS? FOOD?

YOU KNOW WHAT,LET'S PLAY IT SAFE.

LET'S GET ANOTHER PIEWITH HAM, PINEAPPLE.

- ALL RIGHT, HAM--

OH, ARE YOU GUYS GONNA NEEDCHEESY CRUST ON THE THIRD?

- GOOD QUESTION.I'LL GAUGE THE ROOM.

HEY, GUYS, DO WE WANTCHEESY CRUST ON THE THIRD?

OKAY, YEESH.

THAT IS A RESOUNDING YES

FOR CHEESY CRUSTON THE THIRD.

CLAIRE SAYS YOU READ HER MIND.

- CLAIRE, HUH?I LIKE THAT NAME.

- IT'S A GOOD ONE.

OH, ALSO, MY BOY ANDY OVER HEREIS SAYING

YOU HAVE SOMETHINGCALLED CHICKEN POPPERS.

- IS SHE CUTE?

- UH, WHO'S THAT AND WHAT NOW?

- CLAIRE.- OH.

HER BODY'S LIKE A FOUR.ANYWAY, WE WOULD ALSO--

- WELL, H-HOW DO YOU MEAN?

- HA, LET'S JUST SAYSHE'S KIND OF A BIG GIRL.

- THAT'S ALL GOOD.

THAT'S ALL SUPERFICIAL, MAN.I LIKE CLAIRE FOR WHAT'S INSIDE.

- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW CLAIRE.

- YO, BUT FOR REAL THOUGH,

I FEEL LIKEI DO KNOW CLAIRE, MAN.

PUT ME ON THE PHONEWITH HER.

- UH...YOU DON'T NEEDTO SPEAK TO CLAIRE.

- NO, I DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT,I GOTTA LEVEL WITH YOU, MAN.

I...[bleep] HER.

- OH! OH, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO GETIN BETWEEN YOU GUYS.

- NO, IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.

'TWAS A WHILE AGO...

BEFORE SHE BLIMPED UP.

MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND'S LIV.

BODY, TEN.FACE, TEN.

BUT ANYWAY, CLAIRE--YEAH.I HIT THAT SEXUALLY.

AND, UH, AS DID MY BOY HUGO.

HELL, EVEN BUBBA GOTSOME OF THAT.

SO JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW,USED GOODS, USED GOODS.

- SO YOU WOULDN'T CAREIF I ASKED HER OUT?

- WELL...LET ME DO IT FOR YOU.

HEY, CLAIRE, THIS GUYFROM THE PIZZA PLACE

WANTS TO DATE YOU.TOO POOR?

ALL RIGHT,I'LL LET HIM DOWN EASY.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.NO.

TELL HER THAT, NO,I'M NOT A RICH MAN.

BUT I'M A GOOD MAN.

TELL HER,"CLAIRE, I BELIEVE IN DESTINY.

"AND I BELIEVETHAT WE'VE ALWAYS KNOWN

"THAT OUR SOUL MATEWAS OUT THERE.

"THE MOMENT THAT WE HADTHAT UNSPOKEN CONNECTION

"ABOUT THE CHEESY CRUST...

"I REALIZED THAT YOU WEREALWAYS THE ONE.

"BECAUSE--AND I KNOWTHIS SOUNDS CORNY--

"BUT THAT MOMENT...

"WAS JUST LIKE...

SIMPLE."

- WOW.

YOU REALLY DO CAREABOUT CLAIRE.

- I DO.

- OH, MY GOD!CLAIRE JUST GOT SHOT!

- WHAT?NO!

- OH! IT JUST CAMETHROUGH THE WINDOW.

IT WAS A BULLET.IT HIT HER IN THE NECK.

OH, CLAIRE'S DOWN!SHE'S DEAD!

SHE'S DEAD!I'M CALLING THE COPS!

SHE'S DEAD!

- CLAIRE!

NOOOO!

- CHINESE IT IS.

- [gasp]

ARE YOU MS. TUBMAN?- THE NAME'S HARRIET.

- WELL, THANK GOD IN HEAVEN

FOR THE WORKTHAT YOU'RE DOING, HARRIET.

- BEFORE YOU THANK ME,LET ME TELL YOU.

I'VE LED HUNDREDS OF SLAVESTO FREEDOM

THROUGH THIS HEREUNDERGROUND RAILROAD.

BUT IT AIN'T GON' BE EASY.ARE YOU READY?

ALL RIGHT.

THEN HIKE UP YOUR BREECHES

AND FOLLOW ME TO FREEDOM!

[screaming]

[adventurous music]

WATCH THIS [bleep].

- WELL, WHERE IS SHE NOW?

- THAT WAS THE EASY PART.

NOW STAY CLOSE.

THIS NEXT 500 MILESGETS A LITTLE STICKY.

AH!

- FORGET THIS, MAN.I'M GOING BACK.

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to"The Critiquer's Corner."

I am Vandaveon Huggins,

here with my partnerin crime, Mike Taylor.

- What's up?- We like to keep you

all on your toes.

So you see thatthe dynamic of the show

is going to bedifferent today.

Mike is in the forefront.

I am inthe background today.

Boo!

We got all y'all, right?

You were not expectingthis to happen.

You were notexpecting it.

Right now I'ma let Mikedo his thing a little bit, and--

- I'm good, I'm good.

- You don't wantto say nothing

to the camera, Mike,in particular?

- I'm good.

I'm good.- Okay, cool, yes.

So, anyway, we gonna talkabout the one with the gay dude.

- This person, they're pretending

to be straight, but they're really gay.

- Me!

- Uh, he is--[clears throat] excuse me.

He is very "Livin' La Vida Loca."

It's...

- Okay.

- Also, it wouldhave been funny

had you started the scenewith all of them naked.

So then you'd be like,

"Is thisthe 'Key & Peele' show?

'Cause it looks like thesefour people about to fuck."

You know what game they couldhave been playing is Twister.

Like, if they hadbeen playing Twister,

and the one dude was like...- The one dude.

- "Oh, get over here and putyour hand on the yellow green."

- Uh-huh.- And then the other dude

would have been like,"Oh, I got it on the--"

Whoo-wup!

"Nigga, is yo dickin my butt?"

- This nigga hereis stupid.

[laughter]

- We laughin'!

- That's my shit, right there.

- That's my jam,right there.

Oh, my God.

That would have beenthe best for this thing.

Okay, anyway.

- That's that Huggins joint.

- That would have beena Huggins-Taylor joint,

right there, for real,if we had done it.

- I didn't thinkof that one, though.

- What's that?- I didn't think of that one.

- Which one?- That one you just said.

That was you.

- What about the--

no, man, hey,I give you 50% credit

in everything we do, man.

- Might, but--[clicks tongue]

- People don't notice, man,

but Mike is reallythe mastermind

behind this operation, see.

- That's what I'm saying.

- That's why I wanted to puthim in the forefront today,

thought perhapsif Mike has something

to say to the crowd.

Or should we just getto the comments corner?

- That was his.

- Thank you, Mike,thank you.

Okay, we're moving onto the next segment,

of comments corner.

- 13 Young Mullah13.

- Uh-huh.

- "Cut these niggas'dick off."

And then, in all caps,"NIGGA SHIT."

That's quoting you.

- They're quoting me?

- First episode.

"Cut these niggas' dick off,nigga shit."

And you got upand walked off the camera.

I remember every frameof every episode.

That's you.

- Well, I have no--I have no comment.

- There's no quotations.

- Yeah, butthere should be, right?

- Yeah.

- Okay, so this was"The Critiquer's Corner"

for episode 205

of fixing "Key & Peele."

That's, like,three titles in one,

but, you know,we still figured it out.

Say good night, Mike.

- Good night, Mike.

- I'm gonna get--I'm gonna get a Go-Gurt.

Okay, but right here,click to subscribe.