Monday, September 22, 2014

  • 09/22/2014

Jesse Joyce, Marina Franklin and Todd Barry learn about a three-breasted woman, list things seen in #SexySpace and write Tinder pickup lines for classy Southern ladies.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

IT'SS BEEN ANOTHER TOUGH WEEKFOR FOOTBALL, BUT LUCKILY WE

FOUND INSPIRATION IN TWO POSTGAME INTERVIEWS THAT WENT VIRAL.

FIRST, AFTER THE EASTVIEW TEXASPATRIOTS WON THEIR HIGH SCHOOL

FOOTBALL GAME, RUNNING BACKAPPOLLOS HESTER GAVE A STIRRING

POST-GAME INTERVIEW THAT HASAMASSED OVER A MILLION VIEWS

AT THIS POINT, AND HAS REMINDEDUS OF THE VALUES OF SUBTLETY AND

UNDESTATEMENT.

>> AND IT'S AN AWESOME FEELING,IT IS AN WESOME FEELING, WHEN

YOU TRULY BELEIVE THAT YOU AREGOING TO BE SUCCESSFUL.

REGARDLESS OF THE SITUATION,REGARDLESS OF THE SCOREBOARD,

YOU ARE GOING TO BE SUCCESSFUL,BECAUSE YOU PUT IN ALL THE TIME,

ALL THE EFFORT, ALL THE HARDWORK AND YOU KNOW IT IS GOING

TO PAY OFF.

>> CHRIS: BY THE WAY, THAT WENTON FOR FIVE MINUTES.

I LOVE THIS GUY. I WILL FOLLOWHIM ANYWHERE.

>> CHRIS, WHEN DO THE HEADINJURIES KICK IN?

>> Chris: 100 POINTS TO MARINA.

RIGHT AFTER GETTING TROUNCEDBY THE STEELERS ON SUNDAY NIGHT

FOOTBALL, CAROLINA PANTHERSQUARTERBACK CAM NEWTON GOT

TROUNCED ON TWITTER FOR THISPICTURE OF HIS POST GAME

INTERVIEW OUTFIT.

COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD YOU GUYSCALL THIS FASHION FORWARD LOOK,

MARINA?

>> CAM NEWTON ON TOP, CAMERONDIAZ ON THE BOTTOM.

>> Chris: NICE. POINTS.

TODD BARRY.

>> I CALL THAT I THOUGHT THEPODIUM WOULD HAVE SIDES, LOOK.

>> Chris: POINTS, TODD BARRY.

AND MOVING ON, PROBABLY THE MOSTDELIGHTFUL FEEL GOOD STORY THIS

WEEK IN TODAY'S TOTAL RECALLBECOMES TOTALLY REALITY NEWS,

BUZZFEED BRINGS US THETITILATING STORY OF A TAMPA

WOMAN WHO HAD $20,000 WORTH OFPLASTIC SURGERY TO ADD A MIDDLE

BOOB.

HERE SHE IS ON FACEBOOK.

I GIVE YOU JASMIN TRIDEVIL.

THERE SHE IS.

YEAH!

JUST TAKING THE TRIPLETS OUTFOR A SPIN.

WHICH COMMENT ON FACEBOOK --I JUST CAN'T STOP -- I FEEL LIKE

IT IS AN OFFICE DESK TOY.

I CAN'T STOP STARING AT IT.

>> I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHYSHE SPENT ALL THE MONEY FOR THAT

WHEN YOU COULD HAVE THREE BOOBSWITH A BAD BRA.

>> Chris: I KNOW, 20 GRANDDOWN THE TOILET.

WHICH COMMENT ON THIS FACEBOOKPOST GOT THE MOST LIKES.

A, WHAT IS NEXT, THREE EYES,THREE'S HOLES, IDIOT.

ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR, THOSETWO ADDITION WOULD BE VERY

EFFICIENT.

>> B, THAT'S THE MOST (BLEEP)EDUP THING I'VE EVER SEEN BUT IF

IT MAKES YOU HAPPY GO FOR IT.

C, BETWEEN THE IT THE LOVERS ANDTHE HATERS NOBODY NOTICES

SOMEONE WAS CLEARLY MURDERED INTHAT ROOM.

>> WHAT IS THE CORRECT ANSWER,YES, JESSE.

>> C?

IT REALLY DOES, IT LOOKS LIKETHE PSYCHO SHOWER SEEN.

>> CHRIS: SO I DON'T KNOW IF YOUGUYS NOTICED THIS, BUT SHOW THE

PICTURE UP AGAIN. THAT IS THECORRECT ANSWER.

WHAT IS THAT? DID THEY DO THESURGERY JUST THEN?

THERE'S SOME OTHER WOMAN WITHONE BOOB MISSING IN THE TUB

FULL OF ICE.

MS. TRIDEVIL SAID QUOTE I GOTIT BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE MYSELF

UNATTRACTIVE TO MEN.

THAT STAY REAL QUOTE AND HERE'SA FACEBOOK VIDEO SHOWING HER

ATTEMPTS TO BE UNATTRACTIVE TOMEN.

>> CHRIS: MOVE YOUR HAND YOU AREBLOCKING YOUR FOUR VAGINAS.

>> NOT TO KEEP POINTING OUTSTUFF IN THE BACKGROUND BUT

THERE'S A (BLEEP)ING CAGE BEHINDHER FOR SOME REASON.

WHAT KIND OF CRAZY (BLEEP)IS THIS LADY INTO?

>> THAT IS NOT A CAGE, THAT ISFOR THE BABY.

>> Chris: WHAT WILL THIS WOMANDO NEXT TO MAKE HERSELF

UNATTRACTIVE TO MEN, JESSEJOYCE.

>> HAVE A KID?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: POINTS. TODD.

>> I'M GONNA SAY SHE'S ALL SET.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> Chris: POINT FOR TODDBARRY.

THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OFRAPID REFRESH.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF EARTH,IT IS THE FUTURE.

SPACEX BROKE GROUND IN TEXASTODAY FOR A COMMERCIAL SPACE

PORT WHICH THEY SAY WILL OFFERFLIGHT INTO ORBIT BY 2016.

IN HONOR OF SPACEX'S GIANT STEPFOR MANKIND, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS SEXY SPACE, SEXY SPACE.

EXAMPLES OF SEXY SPACE MIGHT BETAP THAT ASTEROID --

OR GAL ON GALAXY ACTION --

OR SPOOGE NICK, BECAUSE WHY NOT.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK RIGHT NOW AND GO.

MARINA.

>> ONCE YOU GO BLACK HOLE YOUNEVER GO BACK, HO.

>> Chris: NICE. GENIUS. POINTS.

WELL DONE.

JESSE.

>> JIZZ ALDRIN.

>> Chris: YES.

THE MAN IS A NATIONAL HERO! POINTS.

>> HE WAS A DICK TO ME ONCE. ITDOESN'T MATTER.

>> Chris: TODD.

>> NIPTUNE.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

JESSE.

>> HOT KARL SAGAN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: TODD.

>> GRAVATITTY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. MARINA.

HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM IT HASBEEN UP TOO LONG.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

TODD.

>> POON TANG.

>> REMEMBER -- TANG?

IT IS TIME TO PLAY SOUTHERNBELLES.

SOUTHERN BELLES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I AM A SOUTHERNERN. I AM APROUD SOUTHERNER.

AND I GET MIFFED WHENPEOPLE SUGGEST THAT PEOPLE

WHO GREW UP BELOW THE MASONDIXON ARE LESS THAN

SOPHISTICATED.

WHEN I WANT TO ENGAGE IN ASPIRITED DISCUSSION ABOUT DIXIE,

I TURN TO THE REDNECK FORUM.

HERE, PROUD SOUTHERNERS DISCUSSEVERYTHING FROM -- WHAT ARE YOU

LAUGHING AT?

ATV MAINTENANCE TO SQUIRREL MEATPREPARATION.

THERE'S EVEN A THREAD DEVOTED TOBEAUTIFUL SOUTHERN WOMEN.

WE ARE GOING TO SHOW YOU APICTURE OF A REFINED SOUTHERN

BELL FROM THE REDNECK WOMENTHREAD AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU'LL

HAVE TO GIVE US THEIR TINDEROPENING LINE.

ALL RIGHT. FIRST ONE -- THISMOTHER TO BE.

AH, DELIGHTFUL RATFINK. JUSTCOLOR IN THE NAVEL.

IT WILL BE FINE. JESSE.

>> MY FETUS HAS A KICK START FORITS OWN ABORTION.

NEXT ONE THIS BLUSHING BRIDE,THIS BLUSHING BRIDE.

>> JESSE.

>> THE DRESS COLOR SAYS VIRGINBUT THE BING DRINKING SAYS BUTT

STUFF DOESN'T COUNT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ACTUALLY I THINK THAT IS A BUTTSTUFF TO GET HER IN THAT

POSITION AS WE SPEAK. TODD.

>> AS YOU CAN SEE I AM KIND OF AWINE SNOB.

>> Chris: POINTS, TODD.

POINTS TO TODD BARRY.

NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUT THISRESPONSIBLE PARENT.

YEAH!

OKAY.

SO LET'S JUST BREAK THAT DOWNFOR A SEC.

GOT THE RIFLE IN ONE ARM,SCOOPING THE BABY AND POUNDING

AROUND THE BABY. JESSE.

>> I ASKED MY KID IF HE'D RATHERLIVE WITH MOMMY OR DADDY AND HE

SAID ORPHANAGE.

>> Chris: POINTS, TODD.

>> CALM DOWN, I KNOW WHAT YOUARE WORRIED ABOUT.

IT IS JUST ROOTBEER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THESE MUD WRESTLERS ROCKING THECONFEDERATE FLAG, WHICH SEEMS

MIDLY RACIST.

JESSE.

>> THIS IS A PICTURE OF MY DADAND I AT THE BEECHUM COUNTY

SEPTIC TANK FESTIVAL.

>> Chris: OH, THAT WAS FULL OFGOODNESS.

POINTS.

TODD.

>> PLEASE DON'T BE OFFENDED BYMY PIERCED BELLY BUTTON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> IF SHE IS MISSING A THIRD TITSHE CAN JUST BORROW ONE OF HIS.

>> Chris: NICE.

100 POINTS TO JESSE JOYCE.

LAST ONE, THIS COW FLASHER.

WOOO.

THAT IS A GENEROUS HELPING OFSIDEBOOB.

TODD.

>> THIS IS WHAT I DO WHEN A COWYELLS SHOW ME YOUR TITS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARINA.

>> MY HOBBIES INCLUDE COWTITTING AND COLLECTING

DISABILITY CHECKS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAMEYOUTUBE CHANCE, F'REAL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: OH MY.

YOU GUYS ARE VERY EXCITED.

F'REAL.

NOW ON YOUTUBE WEIRD CHANNELSARE ALWAYS ON.

WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU A CHOICEOF TWO BIZARRE YOUTUBE CHANNELS

ON YOUTUBE, AND FOR 250 POINTS,YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHICH ONE

IS REAL.

LET'S BEGIN.

FIRST ONE -- A TEENAGER WHOREVIEWS SCENTED CANDLES WITH

GREAT DETAILS OR A WOMAN WHOPREDICTS STOCK MARKET TRENDS

WITH THE HELP OF HER CAT BLUECHIPPER.

YES TOOD.

>> I THINK THE WOMEN WHOPREDICTS STOCK MARKET TIPS WITH

HER CAT -- THAT'S HOW I MADE MYFIRST MILLION.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S USUALLY A SAFEBET. LET'S FIND OUT.

>> THE TEDDY BEAR. THIS IS THATSTOFT LIKE IT,

IT SMELLS SUPER, SUPER,SUPER --AMAZING.

IT IS AMAZING.

>> Chris: WHAT A WORDSMITH!

>> I HAVEN'T BEEN IN HIGH SCHOOLA WHILE BUT ARE THERE NO MORE

BULLIES? DOES THAT NOT HAPPENANYMORE? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> Chris: COME ON! COME ON!

>> ALSO, HE IS HOLDING ONECANDLE, HOW DOES THAT COUNT AS A

HAUL?

>> Chris: HE HAD TO GET IT ALLTHE WAY UP THE STAIRS.

NEXT ONE.

A PUPPET CLOWN NAMED PISSY WHOTELLS SCARY STORIES AND HAS A

WEIRD OBSESSION WITH DR. WHO ORAN ARTIST WHO MAKES CELEBRITY

FACES OUT OF MASHED POTATOES ANDEATS THEM? JESSE.

>> A PUPPET CLOWN NAMED PISSYTHAT SOUNDS AMAZING.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> SOME PEOPLE SAY PISSY.

IF YOU READ THE DOCTOR WHOSCRIPTS LAST WEEK --

WELL, I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR YOU.

NO, I DIDN'T.

WHY, YOU MIGHT ASK? BECAUSE ICAN'T (BLEEP)ING READ!

>> Chris: OH, NO, PISSY!

WHAT A DIFFICULT CONFESSION THATMUST HAVE BEEN TO MAKE.

>> YOU NEED TO GIVE PISSY ABETTER BACKGROUND.

>> YES, THAT IS WHAT MADE JEFFDUNHAM MADE A SAW MOVIE.

LINKED OUT, LINKED OUT.

>> Chris: LINKED INIS A SITEWHERE PEOPLE CAN CONNECT THROUGH

THEIR JOBS, SUPPOSEDLY.

I FIND IT TO BE A PLACE THATWON'T TOP SENDING ME (BLEEP)ING

E-MAILS TO JOIN THEM.

THERE ARE SOME FAIRLY ABSURD JOBTITLES, REAL ONE INCLUDES SEX

EXPERT AND SEX COACH AND SOTIGHT FITNESS TRAINER.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO RING INWITH AS MANY UNIQUE JOB TITLES

AS YOU CAN MUSTER.

LET US BEGIN WITH 60 SECONDS.GO, JESSE JOYCE.

>> STORAGE WAR REENACTOR.

>> POINTS. SO GOOD, POINTS.

TODD.

>> A GUY WHO TELLS YOUR PERSONALTRAINER TO STOP TEXTING WHEN YOU

ARE TRYING TO LIFT 380 POUNDS.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

JESSE.

>> A SECOND BASE COACH. IT ISJUST A CREEPY DUDE WHO

ENCOURAGES TEENAGERS TO GRABEACH OTHER'S BOOBS.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

MARINA.

MARINA.

>> ASSHOLE COP.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. MARINA.

>> A JOB DESCRIMINATOR.

>> CHRIS: OKAY. >> SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT.

>> CHRIS: WE GOTTA KEEP THOSESQUIRELLS OUT OF THE WHITE

HOUSE. TODD.

>> MEN'S ROOM ATTENDANT INTERN.

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THATIS, BUT I LIKE IT, POINTS.

MARINA.

>> AN ERECTION HELPER.

>> Chris: YES!