Wednesday, September 23, 2015

  • 09/23/2015

Jesse Joyce, Sara Schaefer and Ron Funches celebrate the fourth Blood Moon, brush up on their #CatHistory and describe Ted Nugent in three words.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: IT'S BEEN ANOTHER

BANNER WEEK FOR PEOPLE POINTINGTHEIR CAMERAS PHONES AT

SCAVENGING VERMIN. FIRST CAMETHE NOW-INFAMOUS PIZZA RAT

WHO CARRIED A SLICE OF PIZZADOWN

THE SUBWAY STEPS AND MADE THETHE INTERNET CRY OUT,

"THAT IS LITERALLY ME."

BUT NOW THERE IS A NEW RODENT INTOWN, AND BEHOLD,

IT'S MILKSHAKE SQUIRREL!

>> OH, YEAH.

OKAY.

SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

JUST SHUT UP.

SHUT UP.

I THOUGHT I WAS A PIZZA RAT, BUTMAYBE I AM JUST A MILKSHAKE

SQUIRREL.

MAYBE I AM A MEATSAUCE MANATEE,OR A FALAFEL PARROT. I DON'T

EVEN KNOW ANYMORE. I'M JUSTSHAME-EATING ALL THE TIME.

COMEDIANS WHAT WILL THE NEXTVIRAL FOOD ANIMAL BE?

SARA SCHAEFER.

>> TIC-TAC ORCA WHALE.

>> Chris: THAT WOULD BE SOFRUSTRATING FOR AN ORCA.

>> IT IS SO CUTE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

THE SPACE WORK YOU WERE DOINGMADE IT LOOK LIKE I WAS GETTING

A BLOW JOB FROM AN OLD LADY.>> THEY'RE INTERCHANGEABLE.

>> POINTS TO SARA SCHAEFER.

RON FUNCHES.

>> RIGATONI RON FUNCHES. THAT ISJUST ME EATING PASTA OUT OF THE

DUMPSTER OF A MACARONI GRILL.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ARE YOU SAYING LIKE

YOU HAVEN'T DONE THAT BEFORE?

>> I AM JUST SAYING I AM NOTSOBER LIKE YOU GUYS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

MOVING ON.

ACCORDING TO SOME CONSPIRACYTHEOLOGIES, THIS SATURDAY'S

LUNAR ECLIPSE WILL KICK OFF AGREAT EVENT.

SHOE SALE AT NORDSTROMS? CLOSE.

THE APOCALYPSE. APPARENTLY, THISWEEK'S BLOOD MOON WILL LEAD TO

SOMETHING HORRIBLE. BUT YOUDON'T HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR

IT. LET'S GET IT STRAIGHT FROMTHE FOUR HORSEMEN'S MOUTH,

RELIGIOUS TIN-FOILER AND ENDTIMES MINISTRIES FOUNDER

IRVIN BAXTER. TAKE IT AWAY, MR. ENERGY.

>> THE TEACHING SAYS THAT WHENFOUR CONSECUTIVE BLOOD MOONS

FALL ON JEWISH FEAST DAYS, AMAJOR EVENT AFFECTING

THE JEWISH PEOPLE WILL OCCUR.

OBVIOUSLY, THIS TIME LIES JUSTAHEAD.

>> Chris: I MEAN THIS GUYLOOKS LIKE HE KNOWS HIS (BLEEP).

>> HOW WOULD YOU NOT TRUST APOST-APOCALYPTIC WEATHERMAN WITH

GOUT?

>> Chris: 100 POINTS TO JESSEJOYCE FOR THAT.

>> Chris: IT KIND OF LOOKSLIKE HE IS AUDITIONING TO BE THE

FIFTH BLOOD MOON.

COMEDIANS WHAT ARE SOME THINGSYOU WILL BE DOING TO CELEBRATE

THIS FOURTH BLOOD MOON?RON FUNCHES.

>> I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DO EVERYBLOOD MOON, WHICH IS

GO TO A CEMETERY AND TRY TORECREATE

MICHAEL JACKSON'S "THRILLER."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: SARA SCHAEFER.

>> I AM JUST GOING TO LAY LOW,KILL A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS AND

THEN MYSELF.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

POINTS. JESSE JOYCE.

>> THIS BLOOD MOON, I AM GOINGTO TURN INTO

A MENSTRUATING WEREWOLF.

>> Chris: OH, GOOD.

>> I AM BLOATING!

>> Chris: OH! THAT'D BE RAD.THEN YOU COULD TOTALLY GET

EATEN OUT BY A VAMPIRE.>> THAT'S TERRIFIC.

>> Chris: WHAT? THAT'S WHAT THEYEAT.

GUYS, I DON'T KNOW IF YOUARE AWARE OF THIS BUT TAMPONS

ARE LUNA BARS FOR VAMPIRES.

YOU GUYS NOT KNOW THAT?

>> GREAT SOURCE OF IRON.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: TONIGHT WE ARE

TAKING THE INTERNET BACK TO ITSROOTS WITH A HASHTAG WAR THAT IS

ALL ABOUT CATS.

THAT'S RIGHT, DOGS, GET OUT OFTOWN! ALL ABOARD THE DOG TRAIN.

>> Chris: IF HE SLAMS SHORT ONTHE BRAKE, EVERYONE'S NOSE GOES

INTO EVERYONE'S ASSHOLE.

>> DOGGY CENTIPEDE.

>> Chris: DOGGYCENTIPEDE, YEAH.

YOU KNOW I HAVE TO GIVE SARA 100POINTS FOR DOGGY

CENTIPEDE.

THE MOST ADORABLE CENTIPEDE.

BUT FOR OUR FELINE FRIENDS ANDFANS TONIGHT, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS #CATHISTORY, #CATHISTORY.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: ROE VS. SPAYED.

OR I CAN HAZ GETTYSBURGER ORVIETNOM NOM NOM.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN. SARA.

>> THE BOMBING OF PAW HARBOR.

>> POINTS.

JESSE.

>> HIRO-SHEBA AND NAGA-SOCKDRAWER.

>> Chris: RON FUNCHES.

>> THE INVENTION OF THE LASERPOINTER.

>> Chris: POINTS. RON AGAIN.

>> YOM KIPPURR.

>> Chris: POINTS. VERY NICE.

JESSE.

>> MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR UP THISCOUCH.

>> Chris: SARA.

>> THE MEOW HEARD AROUND THEWORLD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> FELINE AIDS.>> Chris: RON.

>> FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARSAGO--

[SOUND EFFECTS]>> Chris: OH, MY GOSH.

INTERNET, ENJOY YOUR BRAND-NEWMEME.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY STARS!THEY'RE JUST LIKE US.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: THEY ARE NOT.

OUR FRIENDS AT PHOTOSHOP CONTESTSITE WORTH 1,000 RECENTLY POSED

THE QUESTION, "WHAT IF CELEBSHAD DAY JOBS?"

AND THOSE ANSWERS WEREDELIGHTFUL, LIKE THIS ONE FOR

EXAMPLE: THAT'S EMINEM LOSING

HIMSELF IN THE EIGHTH AISLEWHILE PICKING UP SOME SLIM

SAVINGS AT THE SUPERSTORE.

I LIKE TO THINK THEY ARE NOTPHOTOSHOPPED AND MAYBE THIS IS

DEEP METHOD RESEARCH FOR A MOVIETHEY ARE WORKING ON.

SO COMEDIANS I AM GOING TO SHOWYOU AN IMAGE OF A CELEB IN A

REGULAR JOE JOB AND FOR 250POINTS I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE

ME A LINE FROM THE TRAILER FORTHIS UPCOMING FILM.

FIRST ONE, THIS HARD-WORKINGHARDWARE HUNK.

JESSE.

>> BEN AFFLECK IS RIVETING. IDON'T MEAN GOOD, I MEAN HE

ATTACHES BOLTS TO A SEPTIC TANK.

>> Chris: POINTS FOR THAT.

>> Chris: RON.

>> THIS SUMMER BEN AFFLECK INTHE ROLE HE IS ACTUALLY

QUALIFIED TO PLAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS KING OF THE WORLD! RON.

>> THIS SUMMER, WHO'S FEEDINGGILBERT GRAPE?

>> Chris: THAT IS FANTASTIC.

SARA.

>> LEONARDO DICAPRIODELIVERS PIZZA IN "THE DREAM I

HAVE EVERY NIGHT."

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS OFFICIZZLE.

SARA SCHAEFER.

>> MURDER WAS THE CASE HE WASSOLVING.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE LYRICS TO THEMOST FAMOUS SNOOP DOGG SONG?

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> YOU HEARD OF AN UNDERCOVERCOP.

THIS SUMMER, "UNDERCOVER DRUGDEALER."

>> Chris: ALRIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS GORGEOUS MOP SQUEEZER.

SARA.

>> GEORGE CLOONEY UNCLOGSTHE LUCKIEST TOILETS IN THE

WORLD.

WAAAH!

>> Chris: JUST KNOW IT'S NOTLOST ON ME THAT YOU'RE DOING

THE "WAAAH."

>> YES.

I WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW WHAT IAM DOING.

>> Chris: JESSE.

>> IF YOU THOUGHT THE FLOORSWERE WET BEFORE--

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

THIS UNCIVIL SERVANT.

>> RON FUNCHES.

>> THIS SUMMER, GARY BUSEY ISTHE OLDEST MAKE-A-WISH KID.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> STARRING GARY BUSEY IN THEFIRST TIME HE HAS EVER WORN A

HELMET.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

IT'S A FACT, LOOK IT UP.

LAST ONE, THIS SHAFTED WORKINGMAN.

RON FUNCHES.

>> WHITE PARADISE, BLACKNIGHTMARE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU AVIDEO OF SOME BOSTON BROS WHO

WERE BLOWN AWAY BY A GIANT FISHAND ASKED YOU WHAT ELSE THEY

WERE AMAZED BY, LET'S SEE WHATYOU CAME UP WITH, SARA SCHAEFER.

WERE AMAZED BY, LET'S SEE WHATYOU CAME UP WITH, SARA SCHAEFER.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT. JESSE JOYCE.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT. JESSE JOYCE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

RON FUNCHES.

RON FUNCHES.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, MOTORCITY MAD MEN TELL NO TALES.

>> Chris: EARLIER THIS WEEKAMATEUR YOSEMITE SAM

IMPERSONATOR TED NUGENT TOOK ABREAK FROM SELLING RACCOON MEAT

OUT OF A TRASH CAN ON THEFREEWAY TO TWEET OUT A

SURPRISING ADMISSION.

OBAMA IS A CHRISTIAN AND I AM AGAY VEGETARIAN PIRATE.

WOW, I AM SO GLAD HE WAS FINALLYABLE TO COME OUT LIKE THAT.

WHAT A BIG DAY.

AND HERE I THOUGHT THE EYE PATCHWAS A REMEDY FOR THE

PINKEYE HE CONTRACTED EATING THE(BLEEP) OUT OF STATE FAIR

GROUPIES NAMED DEBBIE DUMPER INA PORT-A-POTTY. SO COMEDIANS,

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE MEANOTHER SURPRISING THREE-WORD

TED NUGENT LABEL. FOR EXAMPLE,"FAT SCANDINAVIAN BUSDRIVER"

OR "HORNY LOCAL MILF." I'M GONNAPUT 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND BEGIN. JESSE.

>> [BLEEP]Y GUITAR PLAYER.

>> HE'S A TOTAL SAMANTHA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SARA.

>> SALTY DICK BARNICLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SARA.

>> MORAL SEWAGE DISASTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> DUBSTEP DJ.

>> Chris: JESSE.

>> HE'S A GENEROUS BALLETPATRON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> HE IS ACTUALLY PRETTYINTELLIGENT FOR A

TALKING WHALE QUEEF.

>> Chris: JESSE JOYCE.

>> HE'S ACTUALLY A CRACKERBARREL GOBLIN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SARA.

>> PALIN'S (BLEEP) BOY.

>> Chris: OH, SO GOOD.

THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OFMOTOR CITY MAD MEN TELL NO

TALES.

I SEE SARA SCHAEFER, I AM SOSORRY, YOU ARE IN THIRD PLACE.

>> THAT'S OKAY, THAT'S OKAY. YOU KNOW,

I AM JUST NOT A TITAN OF LATENIGHT.

>> Chris: AND NOW WE MUST PUTYOU UNDER A RED LIGHT.

RED LIGHT! I AM SO SORRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, WAIT A MINUTE,WAIT A MINUTE.

SARA'S RIGHT. THERE'RE TOO MANYDUDES IN LATE NIGHT. I AM PART

OF THE PROBLEM ACTUALLY, SO I AMGOING TO UNDO YOUR RED LGHT

AND TAKE YOU TO FOR THE WIN!

>> THANK YOU!

>> SUCK ON THAT "VANITY FAIR"!

VANITY UNFAIR.

YES, I AM SORRY.

RON.

>> WHEN WE GET TO FOR THE WIN, IJUST WANNA REMIND YOU ABOUT

SLAVERY.

>> Chris: I'M SORRY.

HOW MANY TIMES DO IHAVE TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT THAT?

RON! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT WASTHE 1800s, I WAS DRUNK AND

EVERYONE WAS DOING IT.

>> THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

YOU HAVE WAY WORSE DRUNK STORIESTHAN I DO.

PRETTY (BLEEP).

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

THAT MEANS IT AIN'T OVER TILLIT'S OVER.

IT'S FOR THE WIN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: SAD NEWS:

BASEBALL LEGEND YOGI BERRAPASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 90.

YOGI WAS A HALL OF FAME CATCHERWHO ALSO SERVED IN WORLD WAR II,

BUT HE BECAME BEST KNOWN FOR HISUNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS QUOTES

KNOWN AS YOGI-ISMS, SUCH AS"IT'S LIKE DEJA VU ALL OVER

AGAIN," "A NICKEL AIN'T WORTH ADIME ANYMORE," AND "WHEN YOU

COME TO A FORK IN THE ROAD, TAKE IT."

SO AS A TRIBUTE TO THIS AMERICANICON, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME

UP WITH ONE OF HIS LESS FAMOUSQUOTATIONS.

WE WILL HAVE OUR COMEDIANS'ANSWERS AND NAME A WINNER

WHEN WE COME BACK ON @MIDNIGHT.