The One Without Neil deGrasse Tyson

  • Season 3, Ep 5
  • 10/25/2016

Jonah and Kumail debate the existence of aliens with Steven Yeun, Brandon Wardell does a Justin Bieber impression, and Guy Branum explains how he missed his papal calling.

You guys think aliens exist?

Oh, you all watch "The X-Files,"too?

- Everyone believes aliensexist, dude.

- Not everybody clapped, sonot everybody believes it.

- I'm not the only onewho believes in aliens.

I'm going to bring out someonewho also believes in aliens.

Please welcome to the stage,Steve Yeun.

[cheers and applause]

- You think aliens are like

these gangly creatureswith giant eyes, right?

- I'm not gonna judge whatthey look like.

- Because if we're just going onthe basic premise

of a thing that's not humanfrom Earth,

if this Earth--if this galaxy isas massive as it is,

there's got to be something.

- Oh, there's got to besomething,

but have they made it over here?

I don't think they wouldor care.

- In the early 2000s,

when I would pose thesequestions to my friends,

they'd call me crazy, right?

They'd go, "No way that they're

"listening in on ourconversation.

There's no way that they'rewiretapping our phone calls."

But once the Internetcomes around,

every dude is sayingthey're wiretapping

and they found out thatthey're wiretapping

and they'relistening to us,

so if they're capable of that,

they're hiding some MF-ingaliens somewhere.

Our government can do that.

- Yeah.- Of course.

- But why would they?

- Because if they say there'sfucking aliens,

then people like you, smallminds, are gonna freak out.

"Oh, no!

"My reality is broken.

I don'tknow what to do!"

- No, it would be like when anew flavor of cereal comes out,

and I'd be like, "Rad."

- Ask Neil Degrasse Tysonif he thinks there's aliens.

- Ask Neil Degrasse Tyson.

- Neil, can you come out here?

- Oh, shoot.- No, that's not Neil.

That's a different black person.

- That's--- Let me be clear--

- Sir, can you walk out herefor a second?

- I was gonna say that,no matter what!

- Can you walk out here fora second, please?

You looked at him and you werelike, "Neil Degrasse Tyson."

- I was not looking inthat direction!

- You were like,"Neil Degrasse Tyson."

Please.

How are you gonna believeyour own cosmic shit,

when you can't even tellblack people apart?

- No!- That's true.

- No!No, I wasn't!

Look, play the tape back,you'll see that I said,

"Neil Degrasse Tyson,"

and then you would've saw fearin my eyes when I looked.

- Ask Neil Degrasse Tyson.

- Neil, can you come out here?

- Oh, shoot.

I went to a Justin Bieber showrecently

And the thing is,it wasn't advertised

as a Justin Bieber concert;

it was advertised asa Justin Bieber Q&A.

And my friend, Rosen,hit me up about it.

He was like, "Hey, man,I have two free VIP tickets

"to a Justin Bieber Q&Aat the Staples Center,

do you want to go?"

I was like, "I've never wantedto hear

"anything more in my life.

Yes, absolutely."

And so we go, and it wasthe day of, like,

that huge tragedy in Paris,right?

And so, Justin Bieber'smanager--

I'm gonna make it funny,don't worry--

Justin Bieber's manager,Scooter Braun,

comes on stage and he's like,

"Guys, as you know, there isa huge tragedy in Paris today.

So Justin Bieber's going tolead us all in prayer."

And then, Justin Bieber proceedsto skateboard on stage,

tries to land a kickflip,doesn't land a kickflip,

everybody goes insane anyway.

And then like, we all bowour heads, close our eyes--

I peeked a little bit--and then he's like,

"Dear God,

"I'm sure things mustbe so hard for you right now.

"But, we trust you.

Amen."

And that was the whole prayer.

And then, like,the first question

was somebody in the crowdthat was like, "Hey, Justin,

what was it like workingwith Travis Scott?"

And like, that was for surejust like,

Travis Scott wearing a wig.

both: Who is Travis Scott?

- Perfect.- [laughing]

[laughter]

- More dumb questions,more dumb answers.

Then somebody's like, "HeyJustin, what was your day like?"

And then Justin's like, "Man...

Nobody really asks me that."

And then the whole crowd's like,

"Oh my God, he's so richbut he's so sad."

Who here was raised Catholic?

[scattered applause]

I myself am not Catholic;I was raised Jewish.

No one ever thinks thatI'm Jewish

because I do not lookphysically weak.

But, it is very hard for me totalk about the Catholic Church

because on the one hand,super homophobic,

super misogynistic,doesn't believe in gay marriage.

But on the other hand,

I must understandthat if I had been born

in the year 1400,

I would run that shit.

I want you guys to ask yourselfwhat a Renaissance Pope

needs to do on a day-to-daybasis.

A,Have sex with teenage boys.

Done.

B,Solve international conflicts.

I was a poli-sci major.

C,Approve of or disapprove of art.

We all know how much I have beenjudging

that girl's garnet-colored hairsince I got up here.

It's bold, but it works.

What does a Renaissance Pope

need to do on a day-to-daybasis?

D,Eat geese.

Again, got it taken care of.