Welcome to the Western editionof "Two Drink Minimum."
Um, actually there isn'treally a Western edition.
This, I've got to do somethingto kind of keep myself up.
Otherwise I'm goingto fall asleep
and drive the showinto the ditch.
Um, I've been having--actually that's not true.
I've been having a greattime in New York, you know.
We've been going out.
I've been, all I've been eatingis pizza all week, though.
Man, I'm going to have to havemy colon irrigated with one
of those firehoses or something.
But it is, it's good pizza.
And New York is very proudof their pizza, you know?
That's for sure.
I guess so.
It's like one of the, that's,probably one of the main things
about New York is the pizza,pizza and the cockroaches.
Not together, usually,but sometimes.
Anyway, I'm usuallyin California.
I like to go to, youknow, California,
you got a salad bar.
We go to see, go to anall you can eat salad bar.
But I haven't been ableto find one in New York.
About as close as I've comeis a all you can smoke cafe.
(GRAVELLY VOICE) We'd likeanother round, please.
But I guess they kindof have those salad
bars in the Korean markets.
You know, you go inthe markets, they
have the, right in thegrocery store, big salad bar.
But you want to stickclose to the salad.
Don't eat that other, the hotdishes at the end of the thing,
Because it'll be--I would try them
if I thought they were,like, a native dish
from the land of the proprietor.
--usually it's justlike they're trying
to cover every base in theneighborhood, you know.
They got beefstroganoff, and sushi,
and chow mein, and eggplantparmesan, and matzo ball soup,
Man, I'm surprised they don'thave some Martian dish laying
there just in case theyland on Park Avenue.
(MARTIAN VOICE) This placesucks, no baked sarznacs.
I'll have a pack of ghouls.
New York is great.
It's bad weather.
I have been plaguedby bad weather.
This has been the most awfultour I've ever been on.
I was back east.
I was up in Boston for thebig storm of the century.
You guys got thathere, of course.
I was in Los Angelesfor the big flood.
I was in Tijuana for that flood.
What is the luck of that?
Did you read about that flood?
Worst flood in, like,150 years in Tijuana.
It was awful, of all placesto have it in Tijuana.
Like, 13 people died, 200 homesdestroyed, over $23 in damage.
Really just a--
I have bad lucktraveling everywhere.
I was supposed to go toEurope this past summer.
And it was too expensive.
I couldn't afford it.
So I ended up goingbackpacking through Epcot
Center for abouta week and a half.
Actually, I always havebad luck traveling.
Last time I was here was forthe World Trade Center bombing.
I call it a bombing, andno one even knows for sure.
Now they're claimingit might have been
a Pinto backing into a GM truck.
They're not really sure.
Of course, the terroristswho claimed responsibility
said they did it in retaliationfor Bush bombing Iraq
that last week he was in office.
Bush was presidentfor one last week.
Six out of seven nightshe had to bomb Iraq.
Can't really blame him, can you?
Man, if I was presidentfor one last week,
I'd be bombing everywhere.
Man, I'd be bombing statesthat didn't vote for me.
Colorado didn't vote for us?
Oh, they voted for us.
Screw em, they're rednecks.
Nuclear weapons don't even work.
I was reading this in thepaper, that cockroaches
don't get killedby nuclear weapons?
How can that be?
The Orkin man can kill roaches.
A nuclear weapon?
Nuclear weapon cost $10 billion.
What's not in a nuclear weaponthat is in $1.98 can of Raid?
What kind of costcutting were they
doing at the Pentagon that day?
All right, what's the dealon the nuclear weapons?
OK, we can killall the vegetation,
all the people, andall the buildings.
All right, what'sthat going to run us?
That's going to be justunder $10 billion each.
Oh, all right.
How about the roaches?
That's going to runyou a little extra.
You know what I figured out?
It's the fogger,that's what's missing.
We need a fogger on allof our nuclear weapons.
Bomb goes off, we leavethe planet five, six hours,
come back, boom,roach-free environment.
That's what we need.
I don't know ifit's better or not.
I know it's different.
When Bush and Reagan werepresident, anytime there
was a problem in theworld, we sent troops.
Now anytime there's a problemin the world, we send food.
Problem in Somalia,we send them food.
Problem in Bosnia,we send them food.
Clinton's like my mom!
Is there a problem, honey?
No one knows what's going on.
The rest of the world isso used to calling us up,
30 minutes or lesswe send them troops.
Now all we can offer is menus.
Clinton Catering,can I help you?
Communist insurrection inCosta Rica next Thursday?
May I suggest aChicken Kiev special?
Thank God Perotdidn't win, though.
Any Perot supporters?We have some Perot supporters?
Anyone vote for Perot?
Voted for him, sir?
Voted for him?
Because, of course,he cares about you.
Most billionaires careabout the rest of us.
Man, he says he's aman of the people.
He's a billionaire!
What people is he talkingabout, the Beverly Hillbillies?
He talks like Jed Clampett.
You ever hear him tryand talk something out?
(SPEAKING WITH ACCENT) Problemwith Congress is like this.
The problem withCongress, it's like making
love to an ugly woman.
Well, sure, now in thedark, it feels good.
But when you wake up, someone'sgot to pay the fiddler.
What the hell areyou talking about?
Granny made more sense.
I'm sick and tiredof people from Texas
screwing up this country,ladies and gentlemen.
Thank God we're in New York.
The, think about it.
Perot, Bush, that Koresh guy,of course, was from Texas.
Remember Koresh, thoughthe was Jesus Christ?
OK, OK, OK, Dave.
I'll give it up.
You're Jesus Christ.
I'll give it up to you, OK.
Can I ask you aquestion, Mr. Christ?
Can I ask you a question?
Um, why are you startingover in Waco, Texas?
Did I miss somethingabout the Last Supper
being a chili bake-off?
Was that in the Book of Gomer?
Did I miss that?
You guys were a lot of fun.
I'm at a mall, biggiant shopping mall.
This was a couplemonths ago, right?
Billion-storeshopping mall, trying
to pick out a giftfor my sister.
I have no idea what toget her for her birthday.
So I'm going to all the stupidlittle specialty stores they
have now, trying toget inspired, you know.
And I'm going to,you know, Sock World,
you know, ToothpickHut, Just Purple
Crap, you knowthe places, right?
I'm there in the hut, right?
And I look across themall, and I see books.
You know, right pastthe Nut Go Round.
You know the, youknow the Nut Go Round.
It's next to theGravy Shack, right?
The imported graviesfrom around the world.
Anyway, I see the books.
I figure I'm prettysure my sister can read.
I'll go pick out a book, right?
But herein is the problem.
I didn't notice thatthe bookstore was
a Christian bookstore'til I was already
through the front doors.
What an awkward feelingif you're not prepared.
I go zipping across the mall.
OK, I'll get me a nice,get me, a buns calendar?
Uh, where the hell'sthe Stephen King?
You know, becausefor some reason,
the Christians aren't carryingthe devil books this year.
And I've got to say,I found some gifts
at the Christian bookstoreI did not expect to find.
I picked one up outof the shirt bin.
It said, oh, how'd it go?
It said, "Someone I knowreceived eternal salvation
and will dwell in theHouse of the Lord forever.
And all I got wasthis lousy t-shirt."
That was funny.
It was right next to those newbumper stickers, have you seen
those? "Christians doit on their knees"?
"With amazing grace,""until the second coming."
You've seen those, haven't you?
Got to offend themuntil they applaud.
That's the way that one works.
I don't know.
I can't believe people areoffended by that material,
I'll get somebody inmy face every couple
of months, really angryabout the material,
you know, usually a Christian.
Usually a drunk Christian, whichis always a party, you know.
And I'll get thesepeople right in my face,
just crushed, going,oh, man, oh, man.
I can't believe you'reragging on Jesus, man.
Jesus loves you, man.
I'm like, really?
Told me he thinksyou're a douche bag.
Now, come on.
Because how couldyou possibly respond?
I wouldn't want anyone herethinking for one moment I get
up here on a comedy showand make fun of Jesus.
I wouldn't do that.
I like Jesus just fine.
Jesus has always been verysimilar to Elvis in a way, OK?
Don't, don't leave yet.
Follow this logically, OK?
Because you put Jesus andElvis together, right?
I really like a lotof the stuff they did.
It's just sometimes theirfans get on my nerves.
Does that make any sense?
There's the jokethat just doesn't
work in Tennessee, somehow.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT) How dareyou compare Jesus to Elvis?
Elvis was the Kingof Rock 'n' Roll!
Have to have yourpriorities, after all.
But I've actually done moreresearch on the Jesus-Elvis
phenomena down at the JesusElvis Research Institute
in Gatlinburg, Tennessee,right next to the Buford Pusser
Museum and Gift Shop, wherethey have the actual stick
from the movie "Walking Tall."
And, uh, there arefive other major ways
the King of Men and the Kingof Rock 'n' Roll are similar.
I got the mic.
Let me lay them on you.
One, Jesus and Elvis both havefive letters in their name.
So it's easier totattoo on your knuckles,
if you have thumbs, right?
They get worse.
Number two, they wereboth much more popular
and more frequentlysighted since their deaths.
Uh, C, they are the secondand third most popular subject
matters for blackvelvet paintings.
Unicorns are first.
Number four, they wereboth actually very
accomplished tetherball players.
A lot of people-- thatnever works, don't worry.
Anyway, and number five,and most importantly,
Jesus could walk on water.
And Elvis, towards the end ofhis life, was really buoyant.
Hey, thanks a lot.
I feel great,unlike last summer.
I was sick all last summer.
I had some kind of flu,congestion kind of thing.
Finally I went togo see my doctor.
And she said, well, I wantyou to get a blood test,
and get tested forthat Epstein-Barr.
It's like mono.
And I said OK.
They've never tested me for HIV.
As long as they'retaking some of my blood,
why don't you throwthat on the test?
Now, I don't know ifyou've ever been tested.
But even if you haveabsolutely no reason to worry,
you tend to get a little bitnervous while you're waiting
for those results to come back.
I began conjuringup some memories,
some proud, some not so proud.
Sat bolt upright in bed ina cold sweat a few times.
Finally, it was a long weekend.
She calls me.
I got the resultsback from your tests.
Why don't you come over hereso we can talk about them?
Uh, hang on a second.
There's somebody at the door.
And she opens thedoor, and it's me.
So she says there waskind of a strange finding.
The iron levels in yourblood are elevated.
And I think there's just toomuch iron in the vitamins
I want you to stop taking those.
And in a couple weeks,it'll probably go away.
At which point, I said, well,I assume the HIV is negative.
At which point, I realizedwhat a stupid question.
Like she's going to go,oh no, you got that.
I just thought we'd squareaway this iron problem first.
HIV, that's waterunder the bridge.
I miss all mybuddies in the gym.
I belong to the YMCA.
And I'm friends with all the oldguys who hang out in the sauna.
You know what I'm talking about?
What is the exactcorrelation between age
and the abilityto withstand heat?
Because these guys go inthere for hours at a time,
and it's never hotenough for them.
They're always complaining,tapping on that thermostat.
What the hell's thematter with this thing?
It's not hot.
Doesn't feel hot in here today.
Doesn't feel hot to me.
Does it feel hot to you?
I don't know, Dante.
The bench justburst into flames.
The devil and I are goingto go sit by the pool.
Because it is, in fact, too hot.
So physically, I feel all right.
It's mentally andemotionally that I'm a wreck.
I'm at the point where I'm goingto seminars, not to get better,
just not to get any worse.
It's the "Dig inYour Heels and Don't
Go Any More Crazy ThanYou Already Are" seminar.
Except I don't have any money.
So I have to go tothe community college.
I went to hear this guy speakat the community college,
supposedly an EastIndian mystic.
Except he was just a nut.
He kept going off on tangents.
I couldn't understandwhat he was talking about.
(INDIAN ACCENT) Let metell you this, my friend.
This life is not real.
It is an illusion.
Granted, it is a very,very good illusion.
Not like those magicianswith the bogus linking rings,
or that rope, the threeropes, and they cut the rope.
That is a different rope.
He's got that ropecurved under his hand.
He cuts a different rope.
But life is an illusion.
It is a flickeringlight, like a movie.
So you must ask yourself, doyou want to make your life
a good movie, or a bad movie,like "Prince of Tides,"
that whopping piece of crap?
Not my cup of Yogi tea, ifyou know what I'm saying.
I say to BarbraStreisand from a place
of love andenlightenment, eat me.
How about that?
But if life is amovie, you must ask
yourself, who is the producer?
And who is the director?
And who is the projectionist?
The mafia and the CIA workingtogether for mutual interests.
But who pulls whose chain?
Everyone flip-flopping sides.
It's fun and games.
It's a mystery.
The shooters don'tknow who shot Kennedy.
It's a mystery.
It's a mystery wrapped in ariddle, inside of an enigma,
with, like, a puzzlesauce on the top.
It's like a burritothat they roll,
but they don't fold the sides.
And you didn't bringenough napkins.
And now you've got, like,a conundrum on your chin.
I've got to stop talking orthey're going to kill me.