The One with Meltdown and a Murder

  • Season 3, Ep 8
  • 11/23/2016

Jonah and Kumail chat about the Hawaiian language, Todd Barry does some crowd work, Charla Lauriston explains how she got woke, and an audience member gets a tattoo.

Look at these beautiful faces.

- Yeah, we got an old "Meltdown"shirt right there.

Got a "Meltdown" shirt.- Oh, my God.

Wow. You're cool.

What's your name?- Twan.

- Twan? How do you spell that?

- Uh, T-W-A-N.

- Okay, you had to thinkabout it.

- It's not using a littleapostrophe thing, it's--

- Oh, you were like, should I--can Kumail Nanjiani

handle a non-standard name?

- How many apostrophesare in your name?

- I left them out.My stage name has none.

- What is it?Is it Ku'umail?


- No, I'm not from Hawai'i.

- We don't use an apostrophe.It's called an 'okina.

And it's our 13th letter,kind of.

- How many letters are there?

- 12.

- Your entire language

has 12 1/2 letters?

- Who needs more than that,bruddah?

Cheehoo!- The world.

Don't clap for that.

- Nah, nah,these kind of bruddahs,

they know what up, eh?

- That's why whenever--I went there once,

and all street nameswere like five Ks,

and then a couple Us.

- Yeah, you'll never see

longer street signsthan in Hawaii.

They'll be about this long--- Yeah.

- 'Cause it's, you know.- [mimicking Hawaiian]

- That's--that's most likelya word.

That's most likely...

- Yeah, we were driving,and we would get lost,

and they were like,"Oh, you--I understand.

"You went to [gibberish].

You should have goneto [gibberish]."

- Yeah.

- "You're such an idiot.See ya, bruddah."

- You applaud

his blatant racism?

- I can't be racist.

- Why, 'cause you're Italian?

I've recently become.

uh, woke.

I don't know if you guysknow that term.

I just got woke.

If you don't know the term,it's a black Twitter term.

It originated on black Twitter,and basically just, like,

a bunch of black--black people on Twitter

got really angry about, like,

all the injustice that'sgoing on in the country,

and the hashtag is #staywoke,so basically,

you just get, like,really angry about injustice,

and then you justdon't go to sleep,

um, 'cause you're so awake

'cause of everythingthat's going on.

And I got super woke rightbefore I went to India.

I went to India--I was, like,shitting on America so much.

I was just, like,America's garbage.

You know, like,uh, Sandra Bland,

and, uh, Flint Water crisis,this is fucking bullshit.

Two days in India,

and I was like...

♪ God bless

♪ America

Oh, my God, I pledge allegianceto the stands.

Guys, third world countriesare rough.

It was rough.

I'll tell you guysa little bit about me.

I used to be made fun of a lotwhen I was in middle school.

A lot of peopleused to call me an Oreo.

They'd be like,"Charla, you talk white.

"You're white on the insideand black on the outside.

You're an Oreo."

Which I just find so ironic now

because I was recently diagnosed

with a gluten allergy,

which is literallythe whitest ailment,

like, on the planet.

Todd Barry special out of towncelebrity guest.

I did think of an ideaon the way over here.

It sounds impressive, but whenit's a six hour fucking flight,

six hours is actuallya long time.

I've seen shows here--if you combined

all the writing donefor every set

ever done on this stage,

probably two hours.

So I had three timesas much time

to write somethingon the way over here.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say

is let's do some crowd work.

Lady, what's the dealwith the tattoos?

- Me?- Yeah.

What do they mean to you?

- Music?

- A Modest Mouse one?Oh, my God.

- And the Mountain Goats.Holy shit.

- You like animal bands.

- Yeah, I know what you meantby "Animal bands."

I came up with this ideaon the plane over here.

I know--I'm smart enough to knowwhat animal bands are.