August 8, 2016 - DJ Drama

  • 08/08/2016

An American gets pumped about the games in Rio de Janeiro, and Larry examines the state of Donald Trump's presidential campaign with DJ Drama, Mike Yard and Robin Thede.

Yes! Thank you very much!Welcome to the show!

AUDIENCE (chanting):Larry! Larry! Larry!

-Thank you so much.-(chanting continues)

Please have a seat.

-Oh, thank you.-Larry! Larry!

-Good to be back!-Larry! Larry! Larry!

-Please! Please have a seat.-Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry

Thank you.Welcome to The Nightly Show.

I am Larry Wilmoreas they are saying.

(laughter)

Yes, man.

So... Whew!

After the exhausting drama

of the Republicanand Democratic conventions,

The Nightly Show went on breaklast week,

and so, it seems,did Donald Trump's goddamn mind.

(laughter)

Right? Man.

I mean, the man packedso much crazy into one week

that our show tonightwill be four hours. Um...

(laughter, whooping)

Someone tell Hardwickwe're going long, baby!

(laughter)

So let's get started.

Time for the Unblackening.

(screaming)

(both screaming)

(Trump screaming)

All right there.That's a nice...

-The nice compact version ofthat is very nice. -(laughter)

So Trump started his weekby criticizing

the Muslim familyof a U.S. war hero.

He then doubled downon his insults.

And he then KFCdoubled down on his insults.

(laughter)

Seriously, guys, eating KFCWith a knife and fork is no way

to honora fallen American colonel.

-(laughter)-I said it.

I said it. I said it, okay?

(applause and cheering)

Yeah. Thank you.

And... and as if offensivecomments and petty tweets

about the Khan family

didn't show enough disrespectfor our military,

just lookwhat happened on Tuesday

when he got this fun new gadget.

During a rallyin Virginia yesterday,

Trump said that he was handeda Purple Heart

from a retired officerwho supported him.

I said, man, that's like...that's like big stuff.

I always wantedto get the Purple Heart.

This was much easier.

(audience groaning)

"This was much easier"?

Donald, a Purple Heart isthe highest honor bestowed

to those are who were wounded orkilled when serving our country.

It isn't some toy prize you getin a McDonald's happy meal.

(laughter)

Nor... nor is itthe literal purple heart

of beloved McDonald's characterGrimace.

-(laughter, applause)-Right?

(groaning)

Still, after stealingthis Purple Heart,

the GOP's Hamburglar went afterone of our nation's

most famousPurple Heart recipients.

You know, never beena big fan of John McCain,

and, uh, I just hate the wayour veterans have been treated

by John and other people.

Okay. (sighs)

He thinks "five and a half yearsa POW" John McCain...

is the person disrespectingveterans right now.

You know what?

(stammering):That... I...

(laughter)

-(woman whoops)-I've run out of words

to call this fool an idiotor to call this idiot a fool.

I... I can't...

You know, here you go.

To help me out, guys, we havea couple of U.S. veterans

on our staff herefor a new segment,

Veterans Who Workat The Nightly Show

Respond to Donald Trump'sDisrespect of the Military

Because Larry'sRun Out of Words--

Benari Poultenand Jonathan Ginter!

(applause, cheering, whooping)

Ah, very good.

So, uh...

(applause, cheering,whooping continue)

Uh, by the way, guys, thank youfor your service, by the way.

And I wonderif you can help me out.

Um, I've just run out of words.

-No problem, Larry. We got this.-(military drumbeat playing)

It is with honor that we bestowthis special commendation

upon Donald Trump.

(fifes and drums playing)

(cheering, whooping, applause)

Thanks, guys. Benari Poultenand Jonathan Ginter, everybody.

(applause)

Of course,last week Donald Trump's grudge

against John McCainled him to hold his endorsement

for the Arizona senator,as well as Paul Ryan.

But after gettinga stern talking to

from RNC detention room monitorReince Priebus...

-(laughter)-(exhales) Trump came around.

I support...

and endorse...

our speaker of the house,

-(cheering)-Paul Ryan.

And while I'm at it...

I hold in the highest esteem...

Senator John McCain.

(laughter)

Honey, I... love you.

(laughter)

We...

we will be together...

forever.

Wife.

(laughter, applause, whooping)

(mumbling inaudibly)

I'll tell you guys,it's hard to tell

when he seems the most crazy--when he's reading from a script

or when he goes off of it,right?

Here he is, expertly displayinghis non-grasp of foreign policy

and geographywhen asked about Putin.

He's not going into Ukraine.Okay? Just so you understand.

He's not gonna go into Ukraine,all right?

You can mark it down,you can put it down, you can...

-Well, he's already there,isn't he? -Okay.

Well, he's there in a certainway, but I'm not there yet.

(laughter)

You're not there yet?Where is there,

a basic level of intelligenceand awareness of the world?

You don't... you don't needsecurity clearance

to know this (bleep).

You just need the newspaper,and not even a good one.

-You could...-(laughter)

-Sorry.-(applause, whooping)

I don't know.

That's right. But you could.

You could stay at a Days Innand induce it from the pictures

in a USA Today. Come on! Come on!

All right, guys, so afteran historically awful week,

Donald Trump has droppedprecipitously in the polls,

and his media surrogateshave a lot to explain.

But they always manage to avoidactually explaining anything.

This is not what we should betalking about right now, Victor.

We should be talkingabout Hillary Clinton.

The issue is not Mr. Khanand, uh, Donald Trump.

The issue really is, uh,you know, radical jiham...

radical Islamic jihad...

Do you believethis election could be rigged?

I think what he's talking about

is the very unfair mediacoverage that Republicans get.

See how they did that?

-(laughter)-This is what happens

when you drinkthe Trump Kool-Aid-- it...

-(laughter)-No. It's true.

It's like ifyou're in the position

of having to defendJeffrey Dahmer, right?

It's, like, "Okay, did JeffreyDahmer eat those people?"

"You're asking meif it's fair to judge people

-"based on an eating disorder?-(laughter)

I don't think you want meto answer that."

(exhales)

In other words,Trump surrogates, your candidate

is a cannibal andshould not be in charge

of running the country,all right?

So, to help us unpack this isTrump's chief media strategist

and on-air communicationscoordinator, Stephanie Spencer.

(cheers and applause)

Okay, all right, so, Stephanie,

let me ask youa very direct question.

Why isn't Trump better informedon foreign policy?

If what you're asking me is whythe Clinton-Obama foreign policy

is so horrible,I think the American people

want an answer to that, as well.

Okay, no, no, no, no.

Okay, see, no, no, no.

See, you just did it.

See, that wasn'twhat I was asking.

You-you just changedthe question.

I'm not gonna let youget away with this.

Just answer thissimple question:

why isn't Trump better informedon foreign policy?

Just so we're on the same page,your question to me is...

Go ahead.

-Why...-Yes.

-isn't...-Yes.

crooked Hillary Clinton

answering questionsabout her e-mails?

I agree with Bernie Sanders.

We need to know moreabout her damn e-mails.

No, you didn't hear that right.

I think you just refuseto answer anything...

November!

(laughter)

November? What?

Well, you just asked,when will Donald Trump

win this electionin a historic landslide?

I didn't just ask that!

I never said tha...

that's not even closeto what I said!

I completely agree, Larry!

We're on the same page.

What happened in Benghaziwas a tragedy,

and Hillary Clinton stillhas not answered for it.

I never said that.

This is so frustrating.

Oh, no...let me try this.

Your candidate is suchan enormously undisciplined

(bleep) show, that you can'teven engage in simple, human,

back-and-forth communicationbecause to do so would probably

lead to you having to admitthat there is absolutely

no reason anyone should votefor Donald Trump.

100%!

I'm glad we're seeing eye to eyeon this, Larry.

Wait, you actually agreewith me?

Yes, just like you said,Donald Trump is the only

candidate in-in this race whowill make America great again!

-I never said that.-January!

Stop it!

Stephanie Spencer, everyone.

We'll be right back.

You can't answer a question!

What's wrong with you?

Welcome back.

Uh... it's now timefor The Nightly Show coverage

of the 2016 Olympic gamesin Rio.

This is a toilet.

(chuckling):Oh, my God.

Uh... well, so far, the Olympics

have had something for everyone.

There is the greased-up Tongan,uh, which also...

-(audience whoops)-...yeah, happens to be

the most searched phrase

on Craigslist casual encounters.

Uh, there was a kayakerallegedly hit

by a floating couch on Rio'sfamed garbage river,

uh, did you see that?

The world's most famousstraight-line walker

walking in a straight lineand...

(laughter)

Michael Phelps lookinglike a human twister mat.

Did you see those?

And now if you're wonderingwhy we showed pictures

from the Olympicsinstead of footage,

it's becausewe're not allowed to.

This is true.

In fact, the InternationalOlympics Committee

won't even allow usto show the Olympic rings.

So, for the restof our coverage,

we'll be showing this logo

that our graphics department's done.

Kind of made from onion rings.

(applause)

Hey, man, that's how we do it.

Come and sue us,

you IOC bloodsuckers.

But one of the great things

about the Olympics is that

it brings all these, like,countries together.

And joining us nowwith an American perspective

on the Olympics is typicalAmerican, Tank Mancusso,

live from Brazil.

(cheers and applause)

What's up, Larry?

So, uh...

So-so, Tank, how are youenjoying the Olympics so far?

Larry, it's friggin' awesome!

I'm telling you.I'm not lying, dude.

It's just what America needsto take our minds

off these presidentialelections, you know?

I'll tell you what, all right?

Our athletes are makingAmerica great again

by beating the hellout of other countries.

That's what we're doing,all right?

You know what this is like,Larry?

This is like the Vietnam Warall over again!

We just come hereand friggin' dominate, baby.

(whooping)

-Uh...-That's how we do!

Yeah. I'm not sure that'sthe best example, um.

-All right, so, so, Tank...-Feels like the best one,

-but whatever.-Okay. All right.

So, Tank, what's your favoritestory of the Olympics so far?

You know, for me, it's gotto be the fact that, uh,

an all-refugee teamis competing in the games.

That's awesome, man.

Wow, you just won the gold medalin boring with that.

Jesus Christ.

What about the 41-year-old womanfrom Uzbekistan

who, uh, who's competingin her seventh Olympics,

making her the oldest femalegymnast ever, huh?

All right. Larry, let's...

-Yeah.-Let's be honest.

-Let's be honest.-That's pretty cool.

(cheers and applause)

Are you sure, you know,

are you sure that lady'sreally 41 years old,

or is she just likean Uzbeki 22?

You know what I mean?

No, Larry, you know,

-it's hard living over there,Larry. -What?

There's no dentists.

It's like Lord of the Rings over there, Larry,

-I'm telling you.-Yeah, but...

Those people, they don't know.

Yeah. That's why it'san inspiring story,

because-because they have itso rough!

Yeah, yeah.

It's inspiring meto turn the channel.

Right? Come on!

That's a good friggin' joke!

USA! U-S-A!

-Um...-U-S-A!

-AUDIENCE: U-S-A!-That's right.

-Yeah, right. -I hear them,I hear them from here in Brazil.

-I hear them.-Is that, is that a turkey leg?

Yeah, man.

They got a friggin' killerBoston Market over here, dude.

(laughter)

You know, hey, like,when in Rome, right, Larry?

-When in Rome?-No.

-(laughing): When in Rome!-Yeah.

Boston Market's from here!

That's not "when in Rome"!

You went all the way to Braziland that's what you get

is Boston Market?

A little gamey,a little gamey.

-Look, Larry.-What?

Go.

They've got the best friggin'food over here, man.

I'm not lying, dude.

Besides Boston Market,

they got Bubba Gump's...I mean, hello?

They got Arby's,and they got "Chipotel's."

So boom.

-"Chipotel's"?-Yeah.

Those-those...I think you mean Chipotle.

-Whatever.-Those are...

Those are all American places.

Not "Chipotel's," dude.

That's Mexican.That's from here.

-No, it's not.-That's from here.

-(applause)-It's not.

Okay, you know what?

Not everything has to beabout America,

-What?-for Christ's sakes.

I mean, you have sucha great opportunity

to just take in some differentcultures and stories.

There's nothing wrong withrooting for our country,

USA, USA, yes,

but isn't there anything you cantake away that isn't American?

Well, actually, you know what?

-I'm not gonna lie,I've got one story. -Okay.

It's a bit of a heart warmer,so brace yourself.

-All right.-I'm going right now.

All right, so the other day,I'm in a bathroom, right?

All right.

And there's a guy in there,you know,

but he's a white guy,but he's like weird-white,

you know,like Eastern European white.

You know what I mean?

Like,he's got stone-washed jeans.

-Looks kind of likeDolph Lundgren, -Okay, I get it.

-or something.-I get it, I get it, I get it.

Like, foreheads big, you know,a weird-white.

-Anyway.-What happened?

So, uh, we're in the bathroom,right?

We're taking a whiznext to each other,

which is, you know,what happens, right?

And I'm thinking, man, like,this guy's like East Berlin

over here, you know what I mean?

And I'm American,

and it was just great, you know,'cause it's like, man,

this is what the Olympicsis all about, right?

I mean, 70 years ago,me and this guy's grandpa

are trying to kill each other,

and here we are, just two guys,

taking a hot whiz right nextto each other.

Huh? Come on.

Beautiful.

That is beautiful.

-That's it?-It's a good story.

Your-your hot whiz story is--that's...

That's-that's your biggesttakeaway from the Olympics?

-That you were whizzing...-Whatever. It's better...

-Hot whizzing next to...-Better than an old lady,

or whatever. Who cares?

...next to a weird white guy,right?

Wait, did I not mentionthe Boston Market over here?

Come on, man!

So they do this crazyforeign thing

where they mix rice and beans,

and it countsas one friggin' side.

How cool is that?

-Total culture shock.-All right.

-Tank Mancusso,-Total cultural shock.

obsessed American, everybody.

We'll be right back.

You're missing the whole point.

Welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Mike Yard.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributorRobin Thede.

(cheering, applause)

And his new album, Quality Street Music 2,

is out nowand he's currently on tour now

with Snoop Doggand Wiz Khalifa, DJ Drama.

(cheering, applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter-- @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, last week, Trumpput his foot in his mouth again.

Uh, he... Here's a...he took someone's Purple Heart,

-uh, hypocritically...-(Thede laughs)

It's true. Hypocriticallyendorsed John, uh, McCain

and Paul Ryan and even wondered

why we don't usenuclear weapons more often.

THEDE: Yeah.

He actually said...Now, I've said it before

and I've been proven wrong,all right?

But am I finally right--

is this the end of Donald Trumpor will I be proven wrong again?

Listen, he wouldn'thave got this far

if it was the endof Donald Trump.

-Ugh. -Good point.-He's got a lot more

-idiocracies to prove to us.-Yeah. -Yeah.

-For sure. -You think there'ssome more support there,

-that's it's not... -Um,well, maybe the Purple Heart.

I'm thinking the Barneysupporters'll come out now,

like... I could...

That's the only thingI can equate

purple and Barney and Trump.

That's only thingthey have to do with each other.

Well, and, like,even if it is...

even if it isthe undoing of him,

I think his supporters are notready to give up, you know?

I think thatthey're-they're in a...

they're in a relationshipwith their deadbeat boyfriend,

and they don't want to hear"I told you so" from America,

so they're not gonnabreak up with him,

they're just gonnacling onto him.

I don't know. I-I, to tell youthe truth, I don't know, man.

The... It's...This is like Michael Myers.

Like, he can't (bleep)stay down, you know what I mean?

It's like... it's...Every day...

The more I watch this election,man, the more I feel like

we are just caught upin one big episode of Punk'd.

-I know. -I thinkAshton Kutcher's gonna pop out

and be like,"Aah! I got you, (bleep)!"

I think some peopleare scared that it's like

Freddie versus Jason, you know?

-Like... -I'm like, this dude,he won't stay down.

Do you think... Is therean October surprise coming?

Do you think he can do anything,

or... or there's-there'ssomething

-that he's got...-I don't know, man.

-Up his sleeve? -What--October surprise? Like what?

I don't know, well, what if...-I don't know, it looks like

every time Hillary seems likeshe's about to run away with it,

she'll do some dumb (bleep).

Like lie.

I think the country'sused to that, though.

-THEDE: Yes, yes,Donald Trump never lies. -Right.

-That's what crazy about that.-No, but...

Everything out of his mouthis a lie.

But everybody expectsDonald Trump to lie,

-but Hillary Clinton,she came... -No.

Listen, she came inwith that rap,

-that she's a liar,and then she lies. -No, no.

-But Mike... -She came inwith a rep as a politician.

She came in with a repas being untrustworthy

-and then she lies to us.-No, but that's

living up to your rep, right?

-But if that's the reasonwhy people don't want... -I...

-I find that honorable.-But it...

I'm like, "Oh, yeah,that's-that's exactly

-what I thought she was."-She needs to embrace it.

-She... she needs to embrace it.-Now, look, come on, guys.

-Embrace her liar?-No, Michael, this is a false...

-Trump embraces his doofinessall the time. -Thank you.

But this isa false equivalency, okay?

Hillary Clintonis a political liar.

That's what politicians does.

She liesfor political expediency.

-Donald Trump is apathological liar. -Yes. -Right.

Donald Trump would lieabout breakfast.

He-he would lie about anything.

Hillary Clinton...Hillary Clinton lies the way

-all politicians do.-I'm-I'm sorry, Larry,

but I don't have a favoritetype of liar. I'm sorry.

I don't. I would preferyou don't lie.

At least onewith political experience.

-He has no political experience.-He has none. And, you know,

but... No, I'm nota fan of, uh...

I'm gonna take a liarwith political experience

-over a liar with no politicalexperience. -Agreed.

That's... how sad is that,that we're accepting

-certain types of liars?-WILMORE: 'Cause it's reality,

-it's where we are. -We're...-But, you know, you can change

-your reality, man. -WILMORE:No, we can't. This is the choice

-that we have. -DRAMA:By what, writing in our choice?

-By writing in your choiceor whatever, man. -No.

But we don't have to acceptpeople just lying to us!

-What kind of world do we wantto live in? -A (bleep)-up one.

If you... if you know you'vegained a little weight, right,

and you put on your favoriteshirt and it's a little tight,

and your girl...and you ask your girl, "Baby,

do I look good?" do you want herto tell you the truth?

Listen, I got a gut, andI'll be... I'll be butt naked

on the beach.What are you talking about?

I don't give a (bleep)if you think I'm fat. So what?

All I'm saying is,I'm not saying lies are okay,

but I am saying--I agree with you-- I think

that politicians, by nature,are going to lie to us.

They've got to seem trustworthybecause they've got to please

-a bunch of different interests.-Yeah.

I'm not saying thatHillary Clinton lying is okay,

but I am saying that DonaldTrump lies for personal reasons

that have nothing to do withthe good of the American people.

-Yeah, but also... Okay.-Hold on. Hold on a second.

-I'm going... I'm goingone step further. -Mm-hmm.

-He is a narcissistic sociopath-Yes.

-and a pathological liar-I-I agree 100%. -Yes.

-and has the temperamentof a three-year-old. -Yeah.

And he's so easy to trick.I mean, like-like,

Vladimir Putin just... he justpraised him and Trump's like,

-"He's my friend!" You know?-Yeah. Well, it's crazy, too,

because Trump, Trump,he can't help himself anymore.

-No. -He was in Detroit todayand he said,

"Detroit is run by Democratsall the way through."

Or "Michigan is runby Democrats." Michigan has

a Republican governorand a Republican majority

in Congress and...in-in the House and the Senate.

I mean, it's just a total...It's a Google-able fact!

-And it's easily knowable!-That's a nice word,

-"Google-able."-You can even Bing it.

All right, do you thinkthere's any chance,

do you think there's any chancewe're gonna see

a bait and switch?Like, any chance

that Trump somehow drops outand Republicans put someone...

-Unfortunately, no.-Do you think that would happen?

No, I think if they would...they would have did that,

-they would have did it already.I think... -Yeah. -Yeah.

I think this is... this isthe candidate they have,

unfortunately, I don't thinkthey're all very happy about it.

And they said, "By God, what hassocial media done to the world

"for us to even have a candidateas Trump as a political...

-Republican?" -You're blamingthe social media?

Absolutely. They would...If it wasn't for social media,

a man like Donald Trumpwould not have gotten this far.

And I blame the fact thatthere's a lot of angry Americans

that are mad that Barack Obamawas president for eight years.

-100%. -Yeah. -So we're gonnatry to go as far right

-as possible.-The Unblackening runs deep.

-Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.-Yeah.

And people shouldn't besurprised. It can really happen.

I mean, this isthe same country... we voted

-Ronald Reagan in and,you know... -Do you think,

do you think if they tookDonald Trump off Twitter

-he could still win?-Um... -Oh. Nice.

I don't know. He'd probably goto Snapchat or something.

(laughter)

-Go to Myspace!-Yeah, yeah. Trumpchat. Yeah.

All right. I-I wishhis candidacy was on Snapchat

-so it would just go poof.-Yes!

-We'll be right back. Poof.-(cheering and applause)

YARD: If you live in the New York City area or are planning

to visit, grab some free tickets to The Nightly Show.

Go tothenightlyshow.com/tickets.