Michael Ian Black: Very Famous

  • Season 1, Ep 101

Michael Ian Black explores the intricacies of tormenting fellow airlines passengers, what happens when you take him sky diving and how to turn Halloween into a booze-crawl.

IN TERMS OF CREATIVITY.

HALLOWEEN COMES,

AND I SAY TO MY SON,

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BEFOR HALLOWEEN?"

HE GOES, "I'M GONNA BEDR. COCONUT."

I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

"WHAT THE [bleep]IS DR. COCONUT?"

SO I SAY TO HIM,

"WHAT THE [bleep]IS DR. COCONUT?"

HE GOES, "I'M GONNA GETA BIG COCONUT COSTUME."

AND FOR HIM, THAT'S A GIVEN.

LIKE, YOU CAN WALKINTO ANY HALLOWEEN SUPPLY SHOP

AND BE LIKE, "I'D LIKE TO SEEYOUR COCONUT COSTUMES."

AND THE MAN WOULD BE LIKE,"RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR."

SO HE'S LIKE, "I'LL JUST GETA BIG COCONUT COSTUME

"THEN I'M GONNA PUT ONA STETHOSCOPE.

DR. COCONUT."

AND I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THATFOR A SECOND.

AND THEN I SAYSOMETHING TO HIM

THAT I'VE NEVER SAID BEFORE

AND IN ALL LIKELIHOODWILL NEVER SAY AGAIN.

I SAID, "I LOVE YOU."

- SO WE SPEND ALL DAYIN SKYDIVING SCHOOL.

AND WE GET OUT,

AND THEN WE GETINTO THIS PLANE,

AND IT'S FILLEDWITH SKYDIVERS,

AND IT CLIMBSTO 13,000 FEET.

AND THEN SOMEBODYOPENS THE DOOR,

AND THEN PEOPLE JUST STARTFALLING OUT OF THE AIRPLANE.

AND THAT IS REALLY [bleep]FREAKY WHEN THAT HAPPENS,

EVEN WHENYOU'RE EXPECTING IT.

SUDDENLY PEOPLEARE JUST DISAPPEARING

OUT OF THE AIRPLANE.

YOU'RE LIKE,"WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

"SOMEBODY CLOSE THE DOOR!

PEOPLE ARE FALLING OUTOF THIS AIRPLANE!"

[laughter and applause]

AND NOW IT'S MY TURN.

AND SO I GET UP.

AND I WALK OVER TO THE EDGEOF THE PLANE.

AND THEY'RE GOING, "ONE!"

AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS."

LIKE, THERE'S NOTHINGCONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATING ME

TO JUMP OUTOF THE AIRPLANE.

I COULD JUST GO SIT DOWN."TWO."

AND I'M LIKE,"THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

"AND WHEN I SIT DOWN,

I'M EVEN GONNADO MY LITTLE BIT WHERE I GO..."

"AND I'LL GET A GOOD LAUGH

FROM SOME OF THE OTHERSKYDIVERS."

"THREE."AND I JUMP.

I JUMP WITHOUT EVENTHINKING ABOUT IT.

I JUST JUMP.

AND SUDDENLY,I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT IS HAPPENING.

I AM JUST FREEFALLING,YOU KNOW, IN SPACE.

AND WHAT SURPRISES ME MOSTIN THAT MOMENT

IS THE SOUND.

THE SOUND IS SO SURPRISING.

IT'S THIS WHOOSHING SOUND.

[imitates air whooshing]

AND IT'S NOTWHAT I WAS EXPECTING.

WHEN I WAS GONNA JUMPOUT OF THE AIRPLANE,

I THOUGHT IT'LL BEONE OF TWO SOUNDS.

IT'LL EITHER BETOTAL SILENCE

OR, MORE LIKELY,AN AWESOME GUITAR SOLO.

[laughter]

BUT IT'S JUST...[imitates air whooshing]

AND HAVINGSPENT EIGHT HOURS

IN SKYDIVING SCHOOL,YOU GUYS,

THIS IS MY SKYDIVING POSITION.

LIKE THIS.

[laughter and applause]

BUT THE COUP DE GRACE,

THE THING THAT YOUWANNA DO:

SPEND THE ENTIRE FLIGHT

MAKING BANANA NOISES.

WHAT ARE BANANA NOISES?I WILL TELL YOU.

BANANA NOISES

ARE THE SOUNDS

THAT YOUR MOUTHINVOLUNTARILY MAKES

WHEN YOU EAT A BANANA.

YOU WANNA REPLICATETHOSE SOUNDS

EVERY 90 SECONDS OR SO

FOR THE DURATIONOF THE FLIGHT.

SO EVERY 90 SECONDSOR SO,

HE'S HEARING THIS.

[slosh]

AND YOU WANNA DO ITJUST LOUDLY ENOUGH

SO HE CANCLEARLY HEAR YOU

BUT NOT SO LOUDTHAT HE KNOWS FOR SURE

THAT YOU'RE[bleep] WITH HIM.

I NEED ABSOLUTE SILENCEFOR THIS.

[slosh]

AND WHEN YOU FEEL LIKEYOU'VE MASTERED THAT,

GO TO THE DOUBLE.

[slosh slosh]

HORRIBLE, YOU KNOW?

DON'T TRY THE TRIPLE,YOU GUYS.

I CAN DO THE TRIPLE.

YOU DON'T WANTTO DO THE TRIPLE.

I'LL DO THE TRIPLE FOR YOU.

[slosh slosh slosh]

[laughs]

I WANT TO HAVE MY OWNDRINK NAMED AFTER ME.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,THEY HAVE THOSE.

THEY HAVE THOSE DRINKSNAMED AFTER PEOPLE,

LIKE, YOU KNOW,THE TOM COLLINS

OR THE HARVEY WALLBANGER.

I WANNA HAVETHE MICHAEL IAN BLACK.

AND I FIGURED OUTWHAT IT IS.

ALL IT IS IS AN AMBIEN

DIPPED IN COOL WHIP.

ALL RIGHT? JUST...

[laughter and applause]

THAT WOULD BE A GOOD DRINK.

THAT WOULD BEA DELICIOUS DRINK.

THEY DO A NICE JOB WITHTHIS AMBIEN PRODUCT, YOU GUYS.

I KNOW, BECAUSE I TAKE ITRECREATIONALLY.

AND WHAT I'VE STARTED DOING

IS PLAYING THIS GAME,WHICH I WILL TEACH TO YOU.

IT'S CALLED AMBIEN RACING.

HERE'S HOW YOU PLAY.

ON YOUR DRIVE HOMETONIGHT...

OH, SOME OF YOUKNOW THIS GAME?

WHEN YOU GET,LIKE, 15, 20 MINUTES

AWAY FROM YOUR HOUSE,

TAKE AN AMBIEN...

AND THEN JUST TRYTO BEAT IT.

REALLY FUN, AND MAKESTHE LAST PART OF THE DRIVE

GO REALLY FAST, YOU GUYS.

'CAUSE, YEAH, I DON'T--I DON'T DRINK

AND I DON'T DO DRUGS.

BUT I'LL TAKE A PILL,YOU KNOW?

I'LL TAKE ANY PILL.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE PILLS CAN'T HURT ME!

'CAUSE THEY'RE MADEBY COMPANIES!

I'M THE KIND OF GUY,

LIKE, YOU GIVE ME A PILL,

I WILL TAKE IT,

AND THEN I WILL SAY,"WHAT WAS THAT?"

I DON'T CARE.

AND I'M WATCHING HIMPUT ON HIS GLOVE

AND PUT ON HIS LUBRICANT.

AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

THIS IS GONNA BE HORRIBLE.

BUT THEN HE DOES SOMETHINGTHAT KIND OF MAKES ME LAUGH

UNEXPECTEDLY,

WHICH IS, HE TAKESHIS EXAMINATION POSITION.

AND I HAD NO EXPECTATIONSFOR WHAT THAT WOULD BE.

AND YET, WHEN HE TOOK HISEXAMINATION POSITION,

IT KIND OF MADE ME LAUGH.

HE GOES LIKE THIS.

MY ASS IS RIGHT HERE,YOU GUYS.

HE'S LIKEA CIVIL WAR SOLDIER.

YOU KNOW, JUST...

SO I'M KIND OF LAUGHINGTO MYSELF A LITTLE BIT,

AND THEN ALL LAUGHTER CEASESAS HE INSERTS HIMSELF

INTO...ME.

YOU KNOW.

AND YOU GUYSHAVE HAD THAT DONE,

UH, VOLUNTARILYOR OTHERWISE.

AND, YOU KNOW,IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.

YOU KNOW,THE FINGER IS BAD.

THE FIST IS REALLY BAD.

LIKE, ONCE YOU GET--[all groan]

NO, YOU GUYS,THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.

ONCE YOU GET UPTO THE ELBOW, THOUGH,

YOU'RE NOT EVEN FEELING ITAT THAT POINT.

TOO MUCH?

AND YOU SEE HIM,YOU KNOW.

AND THEN YOU JUSTMAKE YOUR WAY TO YOUR SEAT.

JUST WALKIN' DOWN THE AISLE.

JUST HAPPYAS HAPPY CAN BE, JUST--

YOU CAN CAKE WALKIF YOU WANT, JUST...

[laughter]

STRUTTIN' IT UP,YOU KNOW,

JUST DOWN THE AISLE.

THEN YOU GETTO YOUR SEAT, RIGHT?

YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT,YOU NOD,

AND THEN YOU JUSTKEEP RIGHT ON WALKIN'.

WHY?

SO HE HAS THAT MOMENT OF,

"OH, THANK GOD."

AND THEN YOU BACK ON UP.

AND YOU GO, "WHOOPS!

"I ALMOST MISSEDMY SEAT THERE.

"I SWEAR, IF MY HEAD

"WAS NOT ATTACHEDTO MY SHOULDERS.

"HI, SEATMATE!

"GUESS WHAT.

"IT'S MY FIRST TIMEON AN AIRPLANE.

'SCUSE ME!"

AND MAKE HIM GET UP,AND WHEN HE GETS UP,

THIS IS HOW YOU PASS.

FACE FORWARD.

AS SLOWLY AS YOUPOSSIBLY CAN.

YOU KNOW, AND YOU CANTAKE IT AS FAR AS YOU WANT.

SOMETIMES I SIT DOWN,YOU KNOW,

AND I FUMBLE WITH MY SEATBELTA LITTLE BIT.

YOU KNOW, I'M LIKE, "I CAN'TFIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THIS.

CAN YOU PUT THIS ON FOR ME,PLEASE?"

- I HATE FLYING NOW.

YOU KNOW, THAT'SONE OF THE [bleep] THINGS

ABOUT TRAVELING SO MUCH,

IS THAT I'M ALWAYS FLYINGAND...

BUT--BUT I'VERECENTLY DEVELOPED

A WHOLE NEW ATTITUDEABOUT IT,

WHICH HAS RADICALLYCHANGED THE WAY I APPROACH IT.

I HAVE DECIDED THATIF I CANNOT MAKE AIR TRAVEL

PLEASANT FOR MYSELF,

THE LEAST I CAN DO IS MAKE ITUNPLEASANT FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.

HERE'S WHAT YOU WANNA DO.

YOU WANNA BE THE LASTPERSON TO BOARD THE AIRPLANE.

THE ABSOLUTE LAST PERSON.

WHY?

SO THE PERSON SEATED NEXT TO YOUON THE PLANE

DEVELOPSA FALSE SENSE OF HOPE.

YOU WANT THEM SITTING THEREWATCHING THE STREAM OF PEOPLE

SLOW TO A TRICKLE,

AND THEN NOBODY'S GETTING ON.

AND THEY'RE GOING,"OH, MY GOD.

"I MIGHT HAVE THISENTIRE, YOU KNOW,

"18 INCHES ALL TO MYSELF.

"AND WOULDN'TTHAT BE AMAZING?

"I COULD DO ANYTHINGON THIS FLIGHT.

"I COULD JUST BE LIKE,'WHAT'S UP?

"'THIS IS AWESOME.

"'I'M GONNA DRINKA PEPSI FROM THIS TRAY

"'AND A MOUNTAIN DEWFROM THIS TRAY.

I DON'T EVEN CARE.'"

THAT'S WHAT YOUWANT THEM THINKING,

AND THEN YOU MAKEYOUR ENTRANCE.

YOU HAVETO MAKE AN ENTRANCE.

THIS IS HOW I MAKE MINE.

LIKE THIS.

[cheers and applause]

AND I'M NOT DOING THATFOR ME.

I'M NOT DOING THATSO I GET SOME ATTENTION.

I'M DOING THATSO THAT THAT GUY

SEATED IN THAT ROWMIGHT LOOK UP AND GO.

"OH, NO.

"OHH...NO...

NOH..."

MY GUY'S FROM MINNESOTA.

"NOOOH..."

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP

WHEN WE WENTTRICK-OR-TREATING,

THERE WAS NO, LIKE,PARENTAL SUPERVISION.

LIKE, WE WOULD GET HOME,

WE WOULD PUT ONOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES,

WE WOULD GO OUTTRICK-OR-TREATING,

AND WE WOULD BE GONEFOR DAYS.

LIKE, WE MIGHT NOT GET BACKUNTIL THANKSGIVING.

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THATANYMORE.

LIKE, YOU HAVE TO CHAPERONEYOUR KIDS

EVERYWHERE YOU GO.

AND SO THE WAY THAT THE ADULTSIN MY COMMUNITY

HAVE LEARNEDTO DEAL WITH THIS

IS THAT THEY HAVETURNED HALLOWEEN

INTO A BOOZE CRUISE.

SO ONE OF THE PARENTSWILL FILL

ONE OF THEIR CHILDREN'SLITTLE RED WAGONS

WITH ALCOHOL.

AND WE WILL TRUNDLE ITTHROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD

AS OUR CHILDRENGO DOOR-TO-DOOR,

COLLECTING CANDY FOR USTO EAT LATER THAT NIGHT

WHEN THEY GO TO BED.

AND LIKE I SAID,I DON'T REALLY DRINK.

SO, YOU KNOW,I JUST DRINK, YOU KNOW,

A COUPLE OF SLUGSOF WINE OR SOMETHING,

AND I AM HAMMERED.

LIKE, I AM JUSTOUT OF MY HEAD IMMEDIATELY.

I JUST HAVE TO SMELL IT,AND I'M JUST LIKE,

"WHAT'S HAPPENING?"YOU KNOW.

AND THAT WOULD BEOKAY, I GUESS,

EXCEPT THAT I GET EMOTIONAL,YOU KNOW.

AND THEN MY KIDS COMES BACKFROM A HOUSE WITH LIKE,

"LOOK WHAT I GOT,"AND IT'S SOME PIECE OF, LIKE,

[bleep] GHETTO CANDYTHAT I DON'T WANT.

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS THIS?

"DADDY DOESN'T EAT CHUCKLES.

"YOU GO BACK THEREAND YOU TELL THEM

"YOU WANT A SNICKERS BAR!

"YOU GO BACK TO THAT HOUSE

AND YOU TELL THEM YOU WANT..."

[high-pitched]"A MOTHER[bleep] SNICKERS BAR!"

YOU KNOW, HE'S CRYING.

I'M CRYING.

YOU KNOW, AND THEN I SEETHIS LITTLE FIGURE

EMERGING FROM THE SHADOWS

HOLDING A SNICKERS BAR,

AND I GO UP, AND I'M,"I'M SORRY.

"SHH...

SHH, I'M SORRY."

YOU KNOW, STROKING HIS HEAD."SHH..."

THEN I REALIZE IT'S NOTMY KID THAT I'M HUGGING.

VERY DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN THATAWAY, YOU GUYS.

SO HE HANDS ME THE TEST

AND I TAKE IT.

AND AS I'M ABOUT TO LEAVE,

HE STOPS ME AND HE GOES,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVEASKED YOU THIS BEFORE.

BUT HAVE YOU EATENANY RED FOODS LATELY?"

AND I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THATFOR A SECOND.

AND I SAY, "UH...

"I-I DID...EAT A BEET SALAD

A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO."

HE GOES, "YEP.MYSTERY SOLVED."

AND I HAVE SUCHMIXED EMOTIONS AT THIS,

BECAUSE ON ONE HAND,I'M VERY HAPPY

THAT I DON'T HAVE CANCER.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

I JUST GAVE HIMMY ASS VIRGINITY

SO CHEAPLY.

AND I'M, LIKE,SO IRRITATED WITH HIM.

BECAUSE HE HAD ASKED MEALL THESE QUESTIONS

ABOUT FEVER AND NAUSEAAND WHATEVER.

AND HE DIDN'T ASK IF I HADEATEN ANY RED FOODS.

AND SO I SAY TO HIM,"WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME

IF I'D EATENANY RED FOODS?"

AND HE GOES,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE.

"BUT I WALKED INTO THE ROOM,

"YOU SAID YOU HAD BLOODIN YOUR STOOL,

"AND I LOOKED AT YOUR FACE,

"AND YOU LOOKEDREALLY NERVOUS.

"AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

'AHA, OPPORTUNITYTO BE HILARIOUS.'"

I HAD A SCARY THINGHAPPEN TO ME RECENTLY

WHICH I WILLRECOUNT FOR YOU.

UH, ALTHOUGHNOT QUITE SURE HOW TO...

GET INTO IT, 'CAUSE IT'SA LITTLE BIT DELICATE.

I WAS...

CREATING...

UH, ON THE TOILET.

YOU UNDERSTAND.I WAS CREATING.

AND WHEN I HAD FINISHEDWITH MY CREATION,

I ARISE AND I TURN AROUND

TO SEE WHAT I HAVE WROUGHT.

AND WHAT I DISCOVER

IS, THERE IS BLOODIN MY STOOL.

AND MY FIRST THOUGHT IS,

"I'M DYING.

I HAVE CANCER,AND I'M DYING."

BUT THE, YOU KNOW, THE RATIONALPART OF MY BRAIN GOES,

"NO, YOU'RE NOT DYING.

"YOU DON'T HAVE CANCER.

YOU'RE TOO GOOD-LOOKING."

SO THEN I'M THINKING,JUST TO BE SAFE,

LET ME MAKE A DOCTOR'SAPPOINTMENT.

SO I GO TO THE DOCTOR,

AND I'M SITTING THERE,AND HE COMES IN,

AND HE GOES, "WHAT SEEMSTO BE THE PROBLEM?"

AND I GO, "I HAVE BLOODIN MY STOOL."

AND HE GOES,"CAN YOU DESCRIBE IT?"

AND I SAY, "YES, I CAN.

THERE IS BLOOD IN MY STOOL."

AND HE GOES, "OKAY."

AND HE STARTS TO GIVE MEAN EXAMINATION.

AND HE STARTS HERE,WHICH I THINK IS WEIRD.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT, YOU KNOW,WHAT IS THIS?

"LIKE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA FINDANYTHING HERE.

"WE BOTH KNOWWHAT THIS IS, SIR.

THIS IS FOREPLAY."

HE DOESN'T FIND ANYTHING,AND HE'S, LIKE, POKING AROUND,

AND HE'S ASKING ME QUESTIONS.

DO I HAVE ANY FEVER?DO I HAVE ANY NAUSEA?

DO I HAVE ANY ABDOMINAL PAIN?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

AND THEN HE GOES, "ALL RIGHT,TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT.

TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS."

WELL, HE DOESN'TCALL IT THE MAIN EVENT.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN WEIRD...

IF HE'D BEEN LIKE,"TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT!"

THREE BIG DATES

ON THE CHILD CALENDAR.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S--THERE'S BIRTHDAYS

AND THERE'S CHRISTMASAND THERE'S HALLOWEEN.

AND A COUPLE YEARS AGO

WAS THE FIRST YEAR

THAT MY KIDS WERE OLD ENOUGH

TO COME UP WITH THEIR OWNHALLOWEEN COSTUMES.

AND AS A PARENT,

I COULD NOT WAIT TO SEE

WHAT THEY WOULD BEFOR HALLOWEEN,

BECAUSE KIDS HAVEAMAZING IMAGINATIONS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY COULD BE ANYTHINGFOR HALLOWEEN.

HERE'S WHAT MY KIDSDECIDED TO BE.

MY SON DECIDED TO GOAS A PIRATE.

MY DAUGHTER DECIDED TO GOAS A PRINCESS.

THE LEAST CREATIVE COSTUMESIN THE WORLD.

NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME,

I WAS INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTEDWITH MY CHILDREN.

NO, BECAUSE IF THEY--NO!

BECAUSE IF THEY HAD JUST PUTANY MORE THOUGHT

INTO THEIR COSTUMES,

THEY COULD HAVE BEENCOOL COSTUMES.

LIKE, IF MY SONHAD BEEN LIKE,

"I WANNA BE A PIRATE,

BUT I WANNA BEA SOMALI PIRATE,"

I WOULD'VE BEEN LIKE,"THAT'S A COOL COSTUME."

MY DAUGHTER HAD BEEN LIKE,"I WANNA BE A PRINCESS--

I WANNA BEA JEWISH-AMERICAN PRINCESS."

[laughter and applause]

I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,"COOL COSTUME."

YOU KNOW WHAT THE KIDNEXT DOOR WENT AS?

A CAT'S TAIL.

NOT A CAT.

A CAT'S TAIL.

WHEN HE CAME TO OUR HOUSE

AND EXPLAINED THAT HE WAS NOTA PIPE CLEANER,

WHICH ALSO WOULD HAVEBEEN EXCELLENT,

BUT WAS, IN FACT,A CAT'S TAIL,

I DID NOTGIVE THAT CHILD CANDY.

I GAVE HIM A HUG

AND I WROTE HIM A CHECKFOR $100.

[applause]

YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST,YOU KNOW.

HE'S MAKING COTTON CANDY,YOU GUYS.

THAT'S--THAT'S THE WEIRD THING.

AND, YOU KNOW,I GUESS HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB.

I DON'T KNOW.WHEN HE'S DONE, HE WITHDRAWS.

AND HE SAYS, "WELL, I DON'TSEE ANYTHING OBVIOUS.

IT'S PROBABLY JUSTSOMETHING ANAL."

WEIRD SENTENCE.

AND THEN HE GOES,

"BUT IT MIGHT BE CANCER."

OKAY.

AND SO HE GOES, "SO YOU MIGHTWANT TO THINK

"ABOUT A COLONOSCOPY.

"UH, BUT IN THE MEANTIME,

I'M GONNA GIVE YOUTHIS TAKE-HOME TEST."

AND THE TAKE-HOME TESTIS THIS ENVELOPE

ABOUT THIS BIG WITH THREEWHITE PAPER STRIPS ON IT.

AND INSIDEIS A LITTLE FUN STICK.

AND HE GOES, "THE NEXT"--

WELL, I'M--HE DIDN'T SAY FUN STICK.

I'M SAYING FUN STICK.

LIKE, THAT WOULD HAVE BEENWEIRD TOO.

BEEN LIKE, "HEY, A FUN STICK.LOOK AT THAT."

HE GOES, "THE NEXT THREE TIMESYOU HAVE A BOWEL MOVEMENT,

"DIP THE FUN STICK IN,TAKE A LITTLE SAMPLE,

AND PUT IT ON THE WHITEPAPER STRIP."

AND I'M LIKE, "WELL, HOW DO IKNOW IF I HAVE TOO LITTLE

OR TOO MUCH."

AND HE GOES,"THAT'S WHY YOU'LL NOTICE

"ON THE SIDE OF THE ENVELOPE,

"THERE'S A LITTLECARTOON TURTLE.

"YOU JUST WANT TO MAKE IT LOOKAS MUCH LIKE THE CARTOON TURTLE

"AS POSSIBLE.

"THAT WAY,NOT ONLY DO WE ENSURE

"THAT WE GET A PROPERSAMPLE SIZE,

BUT YOU MIGHT WINAN ART SCHOLARSHIP."

AND THEN HE GOES,"AND THEN JUST SEAL IT UP

AND MAIL IT IN."

AND MY FIRST THOUGHTOF COURSE IS,

"DOES HE MEAN I HAVETO LICK THE ENVELOPE CLOSED?"

BUT DON'T WORRY, YOU GUYS,IT'S A STICKER,

AND YOU JUST...

AND YOU GO LIKE THAT.

JUST AS I'M HAVINGTHESE GOOD FEELINGS,

I THROW UP ALL OVER MYSELF.

I THROW UP EVERYTHINGI HAVE EVER EATEN,

ALL AT ONCE.

IT'S A COMBINATIONOF MARINARA SAUCE

AND PINEAPPLE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,BUT IT'S HORRIBLE.

AND IT'S ALL OVER ME.

AND ALL THOSE GOOD FEELINGSI WAS HAVING

JUST MOMENTS AGOARE WASHED AWAY

IN MY OWN VOMIT.

AND I AM SO HUMILIATEDAND EMBARRASSED

BECAUSE I KNOW MY FRIENDSARE GONNA SEE ME,

AND THEY'RE GONNA MOCK ME,

AND THE ONLY THINGI CAN THINK TO DO

IS HAVE A COOL LANDING.

IF I CAN JUST HAVEA COOL LANDING,

ALL WILL BE WELL.

AND IN SKYDIVING SCHOOL,OUR INSTRUCTOR HAD SAID,

"LANDING SHOULD BENO MORE DIFFICULT

THAN STEPPING OFF A CURB."

AND SO I'MTHINKING TO MYSELF,

"HOW DO I STEP OFF A CURB?"

AND I'M PRETTY SUREI DO IT LIKE THIS.

I'M PRETTY SURETHAT'S HOW I DO IT,

SO AS I'M FLOATINGTOWARDS THE EARTH, YOU KNOW,

I'M MENTALLY GOING...

AND THE GROUND IS GETTINGCLOSER AND CLOSER AND CLOSER,

AND I KNOW SOMETHING HORRIBLEIS GONNA HAPPEN,

AND I'M THINKING,"PLEASE, GOD,

"DON'T LET THE PARACHUTEDRAG ME

"100 YARDSACROSS THE FIELD.

PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO..."

AND THEN I LAND.

HE DIDN'T DO THAT.HE JUST SAID,

"PLEASE TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS."

AND I GO, "OKAY."

AND I TAKE OFF MY PANTS.

AND THEN I'M THINKINGTO MYSELF,

"DOES HE MEAN UNDERWEAR TOO?

"HE DIDN'TSPECIFY UNDERWEAR,

"BUT I'M PRETTY SUREHE MEANS UNDERWEAR.

"BUT THAT'S NOTTHE KIND OF THING

YOU WANT TO BEPRESUMPTUOUS ABOUT."

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKEOFF YOUR UNDERWEAR

AND HAVE HIM BE LIKE,

"WHAT THE [bleep]ARE YOU DOING?"

BUT I DECIDE, "YEAH,HE PROBABLY MEANS UNDERWEAR."

BUT I'M NOT SURE.

SO RATHER THAN JUST ASK,LIKE A NORMAL PERSON,

I MAKE AN AWKWARD SITUATIONFAR MORE AWKWARD

'CAUSE THIS IS HOW I TAKE OFFMY UNDERWEAR, LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE A 14-YEAR-OLD RUNAWAYAT A BUS STOP.

YOU KNOW, JUST...

BUT HE DOESN'T STOP ME,YOU KNOW?

SO I'M LIKE,"OKAY, I'M DOING THAT RIGHT."

AND THEN I'M STANDING THEREWITH MY PANTS AND MY UNDERWEAR

AROUND MY ANKLESAND MY SHIRT STILL ON,

WHICH IS MAKING ME FEELFAR MORE NAKED

THAN IF I'D JUST TAKEN OFFALL MY CLOTHES, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN WE'RE KIND OFSTARING AT EACH OTHER,

AND THEN I SAY THE MOSTHUMILIATING SENTENCE

I HAVE EVER SAIDTO ANOTHER MAN.

I SAY,"WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME?"

TEARS.

HE GOES, "YEAH, JUST BEND OVERTHE EXAMINING TABLE."

AND I GO, "OKAY."

AND AGAIN, THERE'S, LIKE,A LACK OF SPECIFICITY

IN TERMS OF HOW I AM TO BENDOVER THE EXAMINING TABLE,

BECAUSE, TO MY MIND,

THERE'S 90 POSSIBLE DEGREESTHAT I COULD BEND OVER,

AND I'M NOT SURE WHICH ISTHE CORRECT NUMBER OF DEGREES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I KNOWIT'S NOT ZERO DEGREES,

'CAUSE IF IT'S ZERO DEGREES,

HE HAS NO ACCESS TO ME.

BUT NOR DO I THINKIT'S 90 DEGREES

BECAUSE THEN I JUST APPEAROVER-EAGER.

SO I SETTLE ON A COOL45 DEGREES.

FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

YOU KNOW, THAT SEEMS RIGHT.

AND THAT'S AS FAR AS I'M GONNAGO FOR THE MAN.

LIKE, I'LL BE DAMNED IFI'M GONNA GET UP ON MY TIPTOES.

THAT, I AM NOT--LIKE HE'S GOTTA WORK FOR IT

A LITTLE BIT,DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"DO YOU THINKWE'LL BE BOARDING SOON?"

"NOT UNLESS WE'RE FLYING INWONDER WOMAN'S INVISIBLE JET."

[cheers and applause]

AMAZING.

DOES SHE LAUGH?

SHE DOES NOT.

SHE GIVES ME THAT LOOK

THAT GIRLS HAVE GIVEN MEMY ENTIRE LIFE.

THAT BITCHY MC[bleep] [bleep]LOOK...

THAT GIRLS SOMEHOW MASTERON THE SAME EXACT DAY

THEY START EIGHTH GRADE.

IT'S THIS LOOK.

I HATE THAT LOOK!THAT'S JUST THE WORST!

YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE,THE LIP GOES UP, YOU KNOW?

LIKE A WOLF, JUST, "EHH."

YOU KNOW, AND THE HEAD'SSHAKING A LITTLE BIT,

SO IT'S LIKE A WOLFWITH PARKINSON'S.

IT'S JUST THE WORST!YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND I WAS SO ANNOYEDBECAUSE I COULD HAVE,

YOU KNOW, ANSWERED HER THE WAYANYBODY WOULD HAVE ANSWERED HER.

"DO YOU THINKWE'LL BE BOARDING SOON?"

"YEAH...I DON'T KNOW.

"UM...

"I DON'T SEE...AN AIRPLANE OUT THERE.

"SO...ERR...

"BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH...

"I DON'T KNOW.WHAT DO YOU THINK?

"DO YOU THINKWE'LL BE BOARDING SOON?

[indistinctly] "DO YOUTHINK WE'LL BE BOARDING SOON?

"NO, TELL ME, I WANNA KNOW.

DO YOU-LEH-LEH-LEH-LEH-LEH-LEH?"

[extended grunting]

I COULD HAVE SAID THAT.

[laughter and applause]

BUT I DIDN'T!

I TOOK THE TIMETO CONSTRUCT

A FULLY-FORMED JOKE!

AND WHAT I WANTEDTO SAY TO HER WAS,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?I AM A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN.

"I DON'T JUST GIVE THIS SHITOUT FOR FREE.

THE WAY I SEE IT,YOU OWE ME SOME MONEY, BITCH."

SO I DID SAY THAT.

AND I WAS NOT ALLOWEDON THAT FLIGHT.

NICE TO BE HERE

IN THIS GREAT,HISTORIC CITY.

OUR NATION'S FIRST CAPITAL.

OUR FOUNDING FATHERSCHARTERED PHILADELPHIA

AS THE FIRST CAPITAL OFTHE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

AND JUST AS OURFOUNDING FATHERS DID,

I AM GOINGTO GET OUT OF HERE

AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN,

BECAUSE THIS TOWNIS KIND OF A DUMP.

MY NAME IS MICHAEL IAN BLACK.

VERY FAMOUS.

[cheers and applause]

YOU GUYS MAY KNOW MEFROM SUCH SHOWS

AS CANCELED,

COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS NO LONGER ON THE AIR,

AND MY SITCOM 2 1/2 EPISODES.

AND I'M, YOU KNOW,NOW I'M ON THE ROAD

AND I'M DOING COMEDY,I'M TRAVELING,

AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S OKAY.

I DON'T MIND IT.

BUT WHAT I HAVE DISCOVERED

IS THAT STRANGERS

DON'T FIND ME FUNNY.

AND I WILL GIVE YOUAN EXAMPLE OF THIS.

I'M AT THE AIRPORT.

AND I HAVE A 12:00 FLIGHTTO GO SOMEPLACE.

THE TIME IS 12:00.

I LOOK OUT THE WINDOWWHERE THEY, YOU KNOW,

THEY KEEPTHE AIRPLANES THERE.

AND...THERE'S NO AIRPLANEOUT THERE.

NOTED.

THE WOMAN SEATED NEXT TO ME

TURNS TO ME AND SAYS,

"DO YOU THINKWE'LL BE BOARDING SOON?"

AHA.

OPPORTUNITY TO BE HILARIOUS.

SO SHE SAYS, "DO YOU THINKWE'LL BE BOARDING SOON?"

AND THEN I--WELL,BEFORE I TELL YOU WHAT I SAY,

I SHOULD TELL YOU, LIKE,YOU'RE NOT NECESSARILY

GONNA FALLOUT OF YOUR CHAIRS

WHEN YOU HEAR MY RESPONSE.

HOWEVER, WHEN YOU CONSIDER

THE SPEED WITH WHICHI RESPONDED,

YOU VERY WELL MAY THINKTO YOURSELVES,

"NICE JOB, FRIEND."

I M JUST TUMBLING HEAD FIRSTTOWARDS THE EARTH

YOU KNOW...[imitates air whooshing]

AND I'M JUST WATCHINGTHE ALTIMETER, YOU KNOW,

THE LITTLE THING THAT TELLS YOUHOW HIGH YOU ARE.

AND I'M WAITING FOR ITTO GET TO FOUR.

IT STARTED AT 13FOR 13,000.

AND I'M WAITING FOR ITTO GET TO FOUR.

'CAUSE AT FOUR,I CAN PULL MY RIPCORD.

AND WHEN IT FINALLYGETS THERE--

I'M JUST WAITINGAND WAITING AND WAITING.

IT GETS TO FOUR,AND I PULL IT.

AND AS I PULL IT,I'M REMINDED...

THAT MY SKYDIVING INSTRUCTORHAD SAID AT SCHOOL,

"THERE WILL BE A MOMENT AFTERYOU PULL YOUR RIPCORD

"WHEN YOU ARE NOT SUREWHETHER OR NOT

YOUR PARACHUTE IS WORKING."

BECAUSE IT TAKES A LITTLE WHILEFOR THE AIR TO INFLATE IT,

AND IF YOU'VE EVER HADA NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE,

YOU KNOWTHAT TIME SLOWS DOWN.

THIS IS HOW I EXPERIENCEDTHAT MOMENT OR TWO.

[bleep]

AND THEN--WHOOSH!EVERYTHING SLOWS DOWN.

AND I AM 4,000 FEETABOVE THE GROUND,

MY PARACHUTE HAS DEPLOYED,

AND I AM SAFE AND SOUND.

AND THIS INCREDIBLE FEELINGOF EUPHORIA,

THIS WAVE OF GOOD EMOTIONSSTARTS WASHING OVER ME,

BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIMEIN MY LIFE,

I HAVE DONE IT.

I AM NOT A PUSSY, YOU GUYS!

I AM A HERO!

[cheers and applause]

I'M JUST WAITINGBECAUSE I KNOW

SOMETHING HORRIBLEIS GONNA HAPPEN.

BUT NOTHING HORRIBLEHAPPENS.

AND NOW, FOR THE SECOND TIMEIN A FEW MINUTES,

I'M FILLED ELATION,

AND I'M NOT A PUSSY;I'M A HERO.

AND I SEE MY FRIENDS OVER THEREWITH THE INSTRUCTOR,

AND THEY'VE LANDED, AND THEY'REALL HIGH-FIVING EACH OTHER

AND THEY'RE SO HAPPYAND THEY'RE HIGH-FIVING,

AND THEY'RE JERKINGEACH OTHER OFF.

AND THEY'RE JUST LIKE,"THIS IS GREAT!"

AND THEY SEE ME,AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY, MIKE, COME ON OVER!"

AND WHAT I WANT TO DOIS JUST BE LIKE,

"OKAY, HI! BYE!I'LL SEE YOU LATER."

YOU KNOW,BUT YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT WHEN YOU'VEJUST JUMPED OUT OF AN AIRPLANE.

YOU CAN'T JUST BE LIKE,"I GOTTA GO NOW."

LIKE, YOU HAVE TO HAVETHAT MALE BONDING.

SO, YOU KNOW, I KIND OF STRUTON OVER THE BEST THAT I CAN.

YOU KNOW, AND THEY'RE GOING,"HEY, MAN, WASN'T IT COOL?

WASN'T IT AWESOME?WASN'T IT GREAT?"

AND I GO, "I THREW UPALL OVER MYSELF."

FULLY EXPECTING THEMTO THEN GO,

"YOU ASSHOLE!

AH, YOU PUSSY.BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."

YOU KNOW, AND MOCKING MEAND POINTING

AND FILLING ME WITH SCORNAND SHAME.

BUT THEY DON'TDO THAT, YOU GUYS.

THEY ARE REALLYGOOD FRIENDS.

AND THEY--AND THEY GO,

"HEY, MAN,YOU KNOW WHAT?

"IF YOU ARE EVER GONNA THROW UPALL OVER YOURSELF,

"HAVING SURVIVED A FREEFALLFROM 13,000 FEET, SOLO,

"ON YOUR FIRST TIME SKYDIVING

"IS THE BEST POSSIBLE TIMETO DO IT.

"YOU'RE NOT A PUSSY, DUDE.

YOU ARE A HERO!"

[cheers and applause]

AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH!"

I WAS LIKE,"THAT IS REALLY COOL."

THEN I'M HIGH-FIVING THEM.

YOU KNOW, AND I'MJERKING THEM OFF, YOU KNOW.

AND JUST THEN,THE WIND COMES

AND TAKES MY PARACHUTEAND DRAGS ME 100 YARDS

ACROSS THE FIELD.

SO I CAN'T DO EXTREME SPORTSANYMORE, YOU GUYS,

'CAUSE I HAVE KIDS.

HEH.

AND THEY'RE THE REASONI DON'T DO EXTREME STUFF.

IT'S NOT 'CAUSE I'M A PUSSY.

THE NEXT YEAR WAS BETTER.

NOT GREAT, BUT BETTER.

HALLOWEEN COMES,I SAY TO MY SON,

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BEFOR HALLOWEEN?"

HE GOES, "I'M GONNA BEFRANKENSTEIN."

AND I SAY, "OKAY."

HALLOWEEN COMES,HE WALKS DOWNSTAIRS,

HE'S GOT, LIKE, AN OLDSUIT JACKET OF MINE ON,

OLD SUIT PANTS;HIS FACE IS PAINTED GREEN.

YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT, LIKE,A MAKEUP SCAR

ACROSS HIS FOREHEAD, YOU KNOW,AND HE'S DOING THIS.

[growling]

AND I LOOK AT HIM.

AND I SAY...

"WHAT ARE YOUSUPPOSED TO BE?"

HE GOES,

"I'M FRANKENSTEIN."

I SAID, "NO, YOU'RE NOT.

"YOU'RE THE CREATURE.

FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE DOCTORWHO INVENTED THE CREATURE."

[laughter and applause]

"IT'S A COMMONLITERARY MISTAKE,

"BUT YOU JUST MADE IT,MY FRIEND.

GO UPSTAIRS AND CHANGE."

AND MY KIDS ARE ALWAYS LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BEFOR HALLOWEEN, DAD?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNABE FOR HALLOWEEN, DAD?"

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T WANNADRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN."

"WELL, YOU GOTTA DRESS UPFOR HALLOWEEN, DAD.

YOU GOTTA...BLAH EH EH."

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHATI'M GONNA BE

"FOR HALLOWEENTHIS YEAR, KIDS?

"I'M GONNA BEA GROWN [bleep] MAN.

HOW 'BOUT THAT?"

"HEY, MIKE, I LOVEYOUR SPONGEBOB COSTUME."

"[bleep] YOU!I AM NOT GONNA DO THAT."

'CAUSE NOW THAT'S WHATYOU HAVE TO DO

AS A PARENT IN THE SUBURBS,WHERE I LIVE.

YOU HAVE TO CHAPERONEYOUR CHILDREN

EVERYWHERE THEY GO,

BECAUSE EVERYBODY'SSO AFRAID

THAT THEIRPRECIOUS LITTLE ANGEL

IS GONNA GET ABDUCTEDOR SOMETHING.

HOW EGOTISTICALCAN YOU GET?

OH, YOUR KID IS SO SPECIAL.

EVERYBODY WANTS YOUR KID.

COME ON.

- I'M NOT A DRINKERBY NATURE.

THAT'S WATER.UM...

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I JUST--I'M NOT GOOD AT IT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE TRIED IT.I DON'T LIKE BOOZE.

I'M NOT--YOU KNOW, IT JUSTMAKES ME SLEEPY, BASICALLY.

BUT--SO I DON'T DRINK.

BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN,YOU KNOW,

I'M OUT WITH MY WIFEOR SOMETHING

AND I FEEL LIKEI HAVE TO DRINK

BECAUSE SHE'S A LUSH,AND SO...

YOU KNOW, I FEEL OBLIGATEDTO ORDER SOMETHING.

BUT WHAT I'VE DISCOVEREDIS THAT THE ONLY DRINKS

THAT I CAN DRINK ARE JUSTTHE GIRLIEST OF GIRL DRINKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?LIKE IF--

LIKE, IF THERE'S A DRINK

I DON'T RECOGNIZE ON THE MENU,I'LL SAY,

"YOU KNOW, WHAT'S IN THAT?"TO THE WAITRESS.

AND SHE'LL BE LIKE,"WELL, THAT'S ONE PART VODKA."

AND I WILL STOP HER,AND I WILL SAY, "NO, NO, NO.

"JUST TELL MEHOW MANY PARTS ICE CREAM

"AND HOW MANY PARTSPAPER UMBRELLA.

THAT'S ALL I NEED TO KNOW."

I WILL JUST ORDER THE MOSTEFFEMINATE-SOUNDING DRINK

ON THE MENU.

SO MY WIFE WILL BE LIKE,"I'LL HAVE A BEER."

AND SHE WILL SAY,"WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, SIR?"

AND I WILL SAY,"I WOULD LIKE THE..."

[clicks tongue]"BREEZY TAMPON, PLEASE."

I'M NOT SURE WHAT WOULD BEIN THE BREEZY TAMPON, EXACTLY.

TOMATO JUICE, I GUESS,PROBABLY WOULD BE--

[audience groaning]OH, WHAT?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT,YOU GUYS.

I MEANT THAT THE TOMATO JUICEWOULD REPRESENT MENSTRUAL BLOOD.

OKAY?

BUT IT WOULD BE CUTE,

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE SERVEDWITH A LITTLE MARASCHINO FETUS.

YOU GUYS...

[audience groaning]

WHAT? TOO MUCH?

"ZYGOTE," IS THAT BETTER?

WELL, 'CAUSE IFIT'S A ZYGOTE,

YOU'RE NOT AS EMOTIONALLYINVESTED IN IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?IT'S JUST...

'CAUSE I DON'T DO, YOU KNOW,EXTREME THINGS,

YOU KNOW, I NEED SOMETHING,YOU KNOW.

THE MOST EXTREME THINGI EVER DID

WAS GO SKYDIVING.

AND I HAD NO INTENTIONOF GOING SKYDIVING.

BUT SOMEHOW, I DID.

I WAS OUTSIDEWITH A COUPLE OF FRIENDS.

AND ONE OF THEM SAID,

"HEY, YOU KNOWWHAT WE SHOULD DO?

WE SHOULD GO SKYDIVING."

AND THEN MY OTHER FRIENDSAID, "YEAH!"

AND THEN I SAID, "YEAH!"

I DID NOT WANTTO GO SKYDIVING.

BUT I SAID "YEAH" BECAUSE,

MORE THAN ME NOT WANTINGTO GO SKYDIVING,

I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO THINKI WAS A PUSSY.

SO NOW I HAVE TO TELL MY WIFEI'M GOING SKYDIVING.

AND IF SHE HAD JUST SAID,

"HEY, MICHAEL, DO YOU THINKTHAT'S A GOOD IDEA?

YOU DON'T REALLYWANNA DO THAT."

I PROBABLY WOULD HAVESAID, "YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT."

AND THEN I WOULD HAVECALLED MY FRIENDS UP

AND BEEN LIKE, "GUESS WHAT.I HAVE MONO. SORRY."

YOU KNOW, AND THAT WOULD HAVEBEEN FINE, YOU KNOW.

BUT THAT'S NOTWHAT SHE SAID.

I WALK IN, AND I SAY,"GUESS WHAT.

I'M GOING SKYDIVING."

AND SHE SAYS,

"YOU CAN'T GO SKYDIVING.YOU'RE A PUSSY."

SO THE NEXT DAY,I'M SKYDIVING.

HAS ANYBODY HEREGONE SKYDIVING?

[scattered cheers]A FEW OF YOU?

DID YOU GO TANDEMWHEN YOU WENT?

YEAH, THAT'S--NORMALLY, WHENYOU GO SKYDIVING THE FIRST TIME,

WHEN YOU DOIS YOU GO TANDEM,

WHICH MEANS, YOU KNOW,ANOTHER DUDE

STRAPS HIMSELF TO YOU.

AND THEN YOU JUST KIND OF SPOONYOUR WAY DOWN TO THE EARTH.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I DID.

I WENT SOLO THE VERY FIRST TIMEI WENT SKYDIVING.

AND IN ORDER TO GO SOLO,

YOU HAVE TO SPEND EIGHT HOURSIN SKYDIVING SCHOOL

BEFORE THEY LET YOUJUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE.

AND I CAN DISTILLTHOSE EIGHT HOURS FOR YOU

INTO ABOUT THREE SECONDS,

WHICH IS, BASICALLY,

THIS IS WHAT YOU LEARNIN SKYDIVING SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW, NOT THAT HARD.