CC Presents: Louis C.K.

  • Season 5, Ep 10
  • 09/02/2001

Louis C.K. envisions a world where racism is based on nice stereotypes instead of nasty ones.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

HOW ARE YOU?

YOU'RE WELL?

GOOD.

NICE TO BE HERE IN NEW YORK.

I ACTUALLY TOOK THE SUBWAY HERE.

I HAD TO GO TO THE BRONX FIRST

THOUGH BECAUSE THE TRAIN DECIDED

I HAD SOME STUFF TO DO THERE

I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.

BUT, AH...

I'VE BEEN LIVING IN THE CITY

FIFTEEN YEARS I HAVE NO IDEA

WHERE THE TRAIN IS GOING.

I NEVER KNOW.

YOU CAN'T GO BY THE DOT ON THE

SIDE BECAUSE THAT'S MEANINGLESS.

THEY CHANGE IT.

YOU GET ON.

THE GUY'S LIKE "THIS IS

THE B TRAIN BUT WE'RE NOT MAKING

LOCAL STOPS AND WE DON'T WHERE

WE'RE GOING SO JUST GET THE HELL

OFF THE TRAIN!

EVERYBODY OFF THE TRAIN!

THIS IS NO LONGER A TRAIN!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EVERYBODY GETS OFF AND THEN

WATCHES IT LEAVE.

"WHAT HAPPENED?

I HAD A SEAT.

THIS IS BULL (BLEEP), MAN."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S THE WORST.

NO THE WORST THING IS WHEN THE

TRAIN GOES EXPRESS ON A WHIM,

LIKE MID-RIDE.

THEY DECIDE, LET'S NOT STOP.

WHY ARE WE STOPPING?

LET'S JUST GO.

AND LET'S NOT TELL THEM EITHER.

OR LET'S TELL THEM AS THE DOORS

ARE CLOSING.

THAT'S WHEN THEY TELL YOU.

IT'S SADISTIC.

"NEXT STOP 205th STREET".

(SOUND OF DOOR SLAMMING)

DAMN IT!

THE WORST THING IS YOU CAN'T

REALLY REACT, YOU KNOW.

I'M ON A ROCKET TO THE BRONX.

I CAN'T GO, "OH MY GOD!

SOMEBODY HELP ME!

I DON'T BELONG ON THIS TRAIN!

THAT'S NOT MY AREA UP THERE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU GOTTA GO, "HEY THE BRONX.

THIS IS GREAT."

WHEN YOU GET THERE YOU GOTTA GET

OUT LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I'M HOME.

YEAH.

GOOD TO BE BACK ON 6 TRILLIONTH

STREET."

(LAUGHTER)

PEOPLE ARE TOO AFRAID OF UPTOWNTHOUGH, REALLY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL YOU,"DON'T GO TO HARLEM YOU CAN

NEVER GO THERE BECAUSE AS SOONAS YOU GET THERE THEY KILL YOU."

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

AS SOON AS YOU ARRIVE IN HARLEMSOMEONE JUST STABS YOU IN THE

FACE RIGHT AWAY.

"HEY, WELCOME TO HARLEM.

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

NEXT.

GO BUY SOME WIGS, WHATEVERYOU'RE GONNA DO."

THAT'S PEOPLE'S IMAGE OF HARLEM;JUST EVERYONE JUST STANDING

AROUND 24 HOURS WAITING FOR LOSTWHITE PEOPLE TO KILL ALL DAY.

"DID YOU SEE ANY?

I DIDN'T EITHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE..."

PEOPLE ARE SO AFRAID.

I READ SOMETHING IN THE PAPERTHAT REALLY CONFUSED ME THE

OTHER DAY; IT SAID THAT 80%OF THE PEOPLE IN NEW YORK

ARE MINORITIES.

(LAUGHTER)SHOULDN'T YOU NOT CALL THEM

MINORITIES WHEN THEY GET TO BE80% OF THE POPULATION.

THAT'S A VERY WHITE ATTITUDE,REALLY.

YOU KNOW?

YOU COULD TAKE A WHITE GUY TOAFRICA AND HE'D BE LIKE,

"LOOK AT ALL THE MINORITIESTHEY GOT OVER HERE.

JESUS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE GOTTA DO SOMETHINGABOUT THEM."

IT'S WEIRD.

THERE'S STILL A LOT OF RACISMBUT PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE A REASON

FOR BEING RACIST.

I MET A GUY, A REALLY RACIST GUYAND I ASKED HIS FRIEND

AFTERWARDS, "WHY IS HE LIKETHAT?"

AND HIS FRIEND GOES, "WELL,HE WAS BORN ON A FARM."

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT KIND OF FARM WAS THAT?I MEAN, GET RACISM FROM A FARM.

WHAT?ARE THE ANIMALS RACIST?

(AS A COW) "JEWS, JEWS"(AS A SHEEP) "BLACKS, BLACKS"

(AS A COW) "JEWS"(AS A SHEEP) "BLACKS"

(AS A CHICKEN) BAUK, BAUK, BAUK,BAUK, "MEXICANS".

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S A PRETTY RACIST FARMOVER THERE.

THOSE ANIMALS HAVEAN ATTITUDE.

ONE THING THAT'S CONFUSING TO MEIS ALL RACISM IS NASTY.

LIKE IT'S IGNORANCE,BUT IT'S ALSO

ALWAYS PAIRED UPWITH NASTINESS.

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE RACISMTHAT IGNORANT

BUT NICE, YOU KNOW?

YOU HAVE LIKE STEREOTYPESTHAT ARE POSITIVE ABOUT RACE.

YOU COULD SAY LIKE,"THOSE CHINESE PEOPLE...

THEY CAN FLY."

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU KNOW ABOUTTHE PUERTO RICANS...

THEY'RE MADE OF CANDY."

(LAUGHTER)

SORRY.

DO YOU EVER WEAR A BATHING SUIT

BECAUSE YOU RAN OUT OF CLEANUNDERWEAR?

BUNCHING UP HAPPENING HERE.

C'MON.

I'M A MESS.

I DID THAT ON A DATE ONCE.

I WAS WEARING A BATHING SUITUNDER MY PANTS BECAUSE I DIDN'T

DO LAUNDRY.

SHE WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN EXCEPTI HAD THAT WHITE STRING FLAPPING

OUTSIDE OF MY FLY.

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ATAMPON IN THERE?"

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU.

(LAUGHTER)I'M EMBARRASSED FOR 80%

OF MY LIFE.

AND I HATE IT.

YOU EVER GET EMBARRASSEDFOR LIKE A LITTLE THING BUT YOU

KINDA WANNA KILL YOURSELF?

LIKE ONE TIME, YOU KNOW WHEN YOUGET IN AN ELEVATOR YOU GO TO

PRESS YOUR FLOOR BUTTON AND IT'SALREADY BEEN PRESSED?

IT'S LIT UP.

YOU KNOW THAT THEY ALL SAW YOURFINGER GO THERE AND THEN STOP.

THAT'S ONE OF THOSE MOMENTSWHERE YOU MAKE THAT NOISE WHERE

YOU DON'T ACTUALLY MAKE WORDS.

(MUMBLING)(LAUGHTER)

I HATE THAT.

JUST THOSE LITTLE THINGS.

THE OTHER DAY THIS GUY ASKED METHE TIME.

I HATE THAT.

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME THETIME ON THE STREET.

SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME,I JUST PANIC.

I CAN'T READ MY WATCH.

WHEN I'M ALONE, I'M GREAT ATREADING MY WATCH,

(APPLAUSE)BUT WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS ME

I JUST HAVE THIS ANXIETY ATTACKAND I JUST CAN'T MAKE IT OUT.

"YOU HAVE THE TIME?""YEAH, I GGG... I...

IT'S LIKE THIS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I ALWAYS END UP SAYING SOMETHING

USELESS LIKE, "IT'S TWENTY OF9:40".

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO NOW WHENPEOPLE ASK ME?

THEY'RE LIKE, "DO YOU HAVE THETIME?"

I JUST GO, "YEAH."

(HORN NOISES)'CAUSE THEN THEY MOVE ON.

LOUIS C.K.>> IT'S ALWAYS BETTER

TO HAVE PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE

CRAZY RATHER THAN STUPID,

YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE STUPID SUCKS.

STUPID IS LIKE THE WORST THING

SOMEBODY...

NOBODY'S NICE TO STUPID PEOPLE.

NOBODY FEELS BAD FOR THEM.

IF YOU'RE STUPID PEOPLE JUST GO,

"WHAT ARE YOU STUPID?

YOU STUPID (BLEEP)."

FINE.

IF YOU'RE RETARDED THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY PUT HIM IN CAMP.

GIVE HIM A T-SHIRT.

HOORAY FOR THE RETARDED GUY."

BUT IF YOU'RE STUPID,

"SHUT UP STUPID, YOU DUMB ASS,

GET IN THE BACK YOU IDIOT."

WHY?

AND IF YOU'RE CRAZY YOU GET ALL

KINDS OF RESPECT.

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING THERE,

BUDDY?

(LAUGHTER)

NOBODY MESSES WITH THE CRAZY

GUY.

THAT'S WHY IF YOU DO SOMETHING

STUPID IN PUBLIC YOU FEEL PEOPLE

FORMING AN OPINION ABOUT YOU,

GO FOR "CRAZY"; THAT'S YOUR BEST

OPTION.

IT IS.

PLENTY OF CRAZY PEOPLE IN

NEW YORK.

THERE ARE SO MANY CRAZY PEOPLE

HERE.

I THINK IT'S LIKE ONE OUT OF

EVERY ONE PERSON IS COMPLETELY

OUT OF THEIR MIND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S TRUE.

IT'S TRUE.

EVERYBODY'S CRAZY.

IT'S NOT JUST THE GUY WITH THE

BAG ON HIS HEAD.

THAT'S... IT'S...

EVERY--

ANYBODY CAN BE CRAZY.

YOU EVER START A CONVERSATION

WITH A STRANGER ON LIKE THE

SUBWAY AND HALF WAY THROUGH

YOU REALIZE THAT THEY'RE

COMPLETELY OUT OF THEIR MIND,

LIKE HALF WAY THROUGH,

YOU'RE TALKING AND THEN ALL OF A

SUDDEN YOU GO,

"OH, YOU'RE CRAZY.

OH.

I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO

SOMEBODY."

BUT IT'S A NICE CULTURE BECAUSE

I LIKE TO TALK TO STRANGERS.

I LIKE TO GO UP TO PEOPLE

I DON'T KNOW AND JUST START

CONVERSATIONS WITH THEM.

JUST START A CONVERSATION.

TRY IT.

BUT THE WAY I DO IT,

DON'T START THE CONVERSATION

IN THE BEGINNING, JUST START IT

IN THE MIDDLE.

TRY IT.

JUST GO UP TO SOMEBODY YOU DON'T

KNOW AND JUST GO, "WELL HOW DO

YOU THINK I FELT?"

(LAUGHTER)

I'D LIKE TO CHANGE THE WAY

PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER.

I'M SO SICK OF THE (BLEEP)

YOU HAVE TO SAY TO PEOPLE,

LIKE IN THE CAB, YOU KNOW,

"HEY, IT'S COLD."

IT'S BORING.

I'D LIKE TO SAY STUFF TO THE GUY

HE'S NOT USED TO HEARING.

"HEY, DID YOU KNOW YOUR EYES ARE

THE HIGHEST HOLES ON YOUR HEAD?"

(LAUGHTER)

CREATIVE CONVERSATIONS.

"DO YOU THINK A BABY COULD EAT

ANOTHER BABY?"

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S AWFUL.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE COULD.

IT'D BE THE PERFECT CRIME REALLY

BECAUSE WHO'S GONNA SUSPECT THAT

HE ATE--

NOBODY'S GONNA GO,

"OH, CLEARLY HE ATE HIM."

I WAS TALKING TO MY FRIEND THE

OTHER DAY-- I HAVE THIS

FRIEND-- YOU KNOW THE KIND OF

PEOPLE THAT IF THEY'RE HAPPY

FOR YOU THEY SOUND LIKE THEY'RE

IN PAIN?

YOU KNOW?

I HAVE THIS FRIEND I'M TALKING

TO ON THE PHONE, HE'S LIKE,

"HEY HOW YA DOING?"

I'M LIKE, "I'M GOOD.

I GOT MARRIED."

HE'S LIKE, "OH, THAT'S GREAT.

AHH, GOD BLESS YOU...

OOOOWWW!"

(LAUGHTER)

I NEVER ANSWER MY PHONE ANYMORE.

IT'S ALWAYS SOME IDIOT--

WE SPEND ALL OUR TIME NOW ON

CUSTOMER SERVICE PHONE CALLS.

THAT'S LIKE 20% OF EVERY DAY

NOW, IS, "NO I DIDN'T CANCEL

IT-WHAT-WHY?"

THAT'S LIKE OUR WHOLE LIVES NOW.

I USED TO READ WHEN I WAS

ON THE TOILET.

NOW THAT'S WHEN I MAKE CUSTOMER

SERVICE CALLS.

THAT'S THE WAY I SPEND,

"HI, I'D LIKE TO ORDER A SHIRT

IN THE REEDD!"

AND THAT'S HOW I DO.

COMBINE TWO THINGS I HATE.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

JUST DEALING WITH BIG COMPANIES.

LIKE MY BANK IS THE WORST.

THEY'RE SCREWING ME, MY BANK.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO ME?

THEY ARE CHARGING ME MONEY

FOR NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

APPARENTLY, WHEN YOU'RE BROKE

THAT COSTS MONEY.

THE BANK CALLED.

THEY CALLED ME UP, THEY'RE LIKE,

"HI, WE'RE CALLING BECAUSE YOU

DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY."

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I KNOW THAT.

I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH

MONEY."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "NO, YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND, SEE, YOU HAVE

INSUFFICIENT FUNDS."

I WAS LIKE, "WELL THAT'S A GOOD

WAY TO PUT IT, TOO.

I AGREE WITH THAT.

I FIND MY NDS TO BE GROSSLY

INSUFFICIENT.

FRANKLY, I WAS GETTING READY

TO CALL YOU GUYS, BUT THANKS FOR

CALLING...

TO TELL ME THAT I'M BROKE."

SHE'S LIKE, "WELL WE REALLY NEED

YOU TO GET MORE IN THERE.

IT'S REALLY A PROBLEM FOR US."

LIKE, "LOOK I'M NOT BEING BROKE

JUST TO (BLEEP) WITH YOU,

ALL RIGHT?

I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SHE'S--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

SO THIS IS WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO

SHE SAYS, "YOU ONLY HAVE $20.

THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE $20.

SO WE'RE GONNA CHARGE YOU $15."

SO THEY CHARGED ME $15.

THEN I HAD $5.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER HAD

ONLY $5 IN THE BANK,

BUT GUESS WHAT, YOU CAN'T GET IT

OUT.

YOU CAN'T.

YOU CAN VISIT YOUR $5.

YOU CAN CALL IT ON THE PHONE.

BUT YOU CAN'T GET IT OUT!

THERE'S NO $5'S IN THE MACHINES.

AND YOU CAN'T GO IN THE BANK

ANYMORE 'CAUSE THEY'RE OPEN FOR

LIKE TEN SECONDS.

THEY'RE LIKE, "AAAHHH!"

AND THEN THEY CLOSE.

THAT'S IT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO THERE I HAD $5 THAT

I COULDN'T HAVE FOR THREE DAYS

TILL THEY CHARGED ME ANOTHER $15

LEAVING ME WITH WHAT?

THAT'S RIGHT-- NEGATIVE $10.

THIS HAPPENED TO YOU BEFORE,

HASN'T IT?

NEGATIVE $10, WHAT DOES THAT

MEAN?

THAT MEANS I DON'T EVEN HAVE

NO MONEY ANYMORE.

I WISH I HAD NOTHING,

BUT I DON'T HAVE IT.

I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH.

I HAVE NOT TEN.

THAT'S HOW MUCH I HAVE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEGATIVE 10.

WHAT THE HELL IS NEGATIVE 10?

I GOTTA GET SOMEONE WITH NO

MONEY TO LEND ME SOME.

I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY SOMETHING

THAT DOESN'T COST ANYTHING.

THAT'S WHERE I'M AT.

I CAN ONLY AFFORD TO GET

SOMETHING THAT COSTS THAT YOU

GIVE ME $10.

THAT'S MY PRICE RANGE.

NEGATIVE 10.

WHAT KIND OF A SYSTEM IS THAT?

THEY HAVE PEOPLE AT THE BANK,

THEY GO, "OKAY, SOME OF THESE

PEOPLE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY

SO WE'D BETTER TAKE THEIR MONEY

AWAY FROM THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVE

SO LITTLE."

THAT'S IT.

THERE'S NO BETTER EXPLANATION

THAN THAT.

THEN THEY GO, "THESE PEOPLE HAVE

SO MUCH MONEY."

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF MONEY THEY

GIVE YOU MONEY JUST FOR HAVING

IT.

THEY GO, "YOU HAVE SO MUCH

MONEY, THAT WE SHOULD GIVE YOU

MORE, BECAUSYOU HAVE SO MUCH.

"HERE TAKE THIS GUY'S $15.

THE HELL WITH HIM.

WHAT THE HELL'S HE DOING WITH

IT?

JUST WASTING OUR TIME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

WHAT WOULD I DO WITH THE MONEY

ANYWAY?

BILL GATES HAS $90 BILLION.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

BILL GATES HAS $90 BILLION.

LAST YEAR HE GAVE AWAY $500

MILLION, WHAT A CHEAP (BLEEP).

I DON'T KNOW.

IF I HAD $90 BILLION I WOULDN'T

HAVE IT FOR LONG, 'CAUSE I WOULD

JUST DREAM OF ALL THE CRAZY

STUFF I COULD DO WITH IT.

THIS GUY.

90 BILLION.

HE COULD TAKE 2 BILLION--

HE COULD BUY EVERY BASEBALL TEAM

AND MAKE THEM ALL WEAR DRESSES

AND STILL HAVE $88 BILLION.

WHAT'S HE WAITING FOR?

THAT'S THE KIND OF THING I WOULD

DO.

LIKE, BUY ALL THE PANTS IN THE

WORLD AND JUST BURN THEM.

NO MORE PANTS THE HELL WITH

EVERYBODY.

♪ (MUSI

I DON'T KNOW.

I USED TO HAVE BAD JOBS, THOUGH.

I WORKED AT A HORRIBLE FAST FOOD

RESTAURANT ONCE AND MY FIRST DAY

THERE I KNEW I WAS GETTING

FIRED.

RIGHT AWAY.

BUT THAT'S A RELIEF ISN'T IT?

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU REALIZE,

I'M NOT KEEPING THIS JOB.

YOU KNOW, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

THE GUY CAME UP TO ME,

MY MANAGER, THE FIRST DAY AND HE

SAID, "I WANT YOU TO GO TO ALL

THE TABLES AND SCRAPE THE GUM

OFF WITH A BUTTER KNIFE."

AND I WAS LIKE, I WAS THINKING,

"I'M NOT DOING THAT.

I'M DEFINITELY NOT DOING IT."

BUT I THOUGHT WHY JUST SAY,

"NO, THE HELL WITH YOU."

AND GET FIRED.

THAT'S BORING.

INSTEAD I SAID, "YAH, YAH, OKAY,

YEAH, I'LL DO IT."

BUT THEN I DIDN'T DO IT.

AND HE CAME UP TO ME LATER,

"DID YOU SCRAPE THE GUM OFF THE

TABLES?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, YEAH,

OF COURSE I DID.

SURE.

YEAH."

AND LATER HE COMES UP AND HE

GOES, "YOU DIDN'T SCRAPE THE GUM

OFF THE TABLES."

AND I'M LIKE, "ARGH, OH, DAMN."

"ARE YOU GONNA DO IT?"

"YEAH, OF COURSE I'M GONNA DOñ

IT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING...

OF COURSE I'M GONNA DO IT."

THREE DAYS LATER I GOT FIRED

I GOT PAID FOR THREE DAYS,

YOU KNOW, WHAT THE HELL.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IN GENERAL, I'M PRETTYNON-CONFRONTATIONAL.

I DON'T GET MAD.

LIKE I GOT MARRIED RIGHT?

I LOVE BEING MARRIED,IT'S GREAT.

BUT I HATE ARGUING.

I HATE FIGHTING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO NOW?

WHEN WE GET IN AN ARGUMENTI JUST TAKE HER SIDE AGAINST ME.

IT'S JUST EASIER.

IT GOES QUICKER.

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG WITHYOU?!"

AND I'M LIKE, "I KNOW, DAMMIT!

ARRGGG!"(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I MEAN, SHE WINS MOST OF THEMANYWAY.

I MIGHT AS WELL BE ON THEWINNING SIDE OCCASIONALLY.

YOU REALIZE AFTER YOU'RE MARRIEDFOR A WHILE, "WHAT AM I FIGHTING

FOR?"YOU DON'T WIN MONEY.

WHY AM I PUTTING UP...

"I KNOW ABOUT PEANUT BUTTER,YOU (BLEEP) BITCH."

WHAT IS THE POINT?

YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLEARGUE.

BECAUSE ARGUMENTS--NOBODY EVER WINS AN ARGUMENT.

NOBODY EVER GOES, "OH, HERE I'MWRONG."

THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

SOMEONE JUST EVENTUALLY GOES,"SHUT UP, WE GOTTA EAT SO LET'S

SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE."

ESPECIALLY LIKE WITH STRANGERSTHAT'S AMAZING TO ME WHEN PEOPLE

GET ANGRY AND ACTUALLY YELL ATOTHER PEOPLE LIKE YOU'RE GOING

TO CONVINCE THEM THAT YOU'RERIGHT, BY YELLING AT THEM.

LIKE IN TRAFFIC.

I WAS DRIVING IN NEW YORK ONCE,WHICH IS THE WORST THING ON THE

PLANET EARTH.

I'M DRIVING IN MANHATTAN.

THERE'S TRAFFIC,NOBODY'S MOVING.

I'M SITTING IN MY CAR THERE'SFIFTY CARS IN FRONT OF ME,

NOBODY'S MOVING, THE LIGHT TURNSGREEN, AND NOBODY MOVES.

THE GUY BEHIND ME[BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEP].

HIS HORNS GETTING TIRED.

LIKE-- BEEEEEEEEP!

HONKING AT ME.

AND I LOOK AT HIM AND HE'SHONKING JUST AT ME.

HE'S LIKE, "GO!

JUST GO!"LIKE I'M DRIVING ALL FIFTY CARS

IN FRONT OF ME.

I'M PUSHING 'EM LIKE SHOPPINGCARTS IN A PARKING LOT.

HE'S LIKE, "GO!"AND I'M TRYING TO COMMUNICATE

THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW LIKE,"WHAT?

I CAN'T.

LOOK AT THE CARS.

LOOK AT ALL THE CARS."

AND IT JUST MADE HIM MADDER.

HE'S ALL PURPLE.

AND THEN HE'S ONE OF THESE GUYS.

HE GOT OUT OF HIS CAR TO YELL ATME.

I'M TRAPPED BETWEEN TWO CARSI GOT THE DOORS LOCKED,

THE WINDOWS UP AND HE'S LIKE,"GO!

WHY DON'T YOU GO?!"LIKE FOGGING UP MY WINDOW.

AND WHAT AM I GONNA ARGUE THAT'SGONNA HAVE ANY IMPACT FOR THIS

GUY?

LIKE ALL I GOTTA DO IS GO,"WELL, I CAN'T GO BECAUSE

THE CARS IN FRONT OF ME ARESOLID AND, AH...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF I GO I'LL JUSTCOLLIDE WITH THEM.

I'LL COLLIDE.

PROBABLY WITH THE GUY RIGHTHERE.

OR EVENTUALLY WITH SOMEBODY."

THAT'S ALL I GOTTA SAY ANDHE'S GONNA GO, "OH MY GOD,

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL GET BACK IN MY CAR."

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

BUT HE KEPT YELLING AT ME.

SO I DECIDED, ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA ARGUE WITH THIS GUY,BUT I'M GONNA ARGUE ABOUT

SOMETHING ELSE.

I'M NOT HAVING HIS ARGUMENT.

I'M HAVING MINE.

SO HE'S LIKE, "GO!"AND I GO, "WELL, GIMME BACK

MY JACKET."

AND HE STOPPED.

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YOU GOTMY JACKET!

GIVE IT BACK!

I SAID YOU COULD BORROW ITNOT HAVE IT!

YOU'RE STRETCHING IT OUTYOU FAT PIG! GIVE IT BACK NOW!"

HE GOT BACK IN HIS CARAND HE LOCKED HIS DOORS.

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