March 3, 2010 - Crying Sorority Girl

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 03/03/2010

Daniel holds a surprise wet T-shirt contest, the Crying Sorority Girl gets a Web Redemption, and Tosh.0 fans weigh in on the Academy Awards.

WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> HI, ALISE.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> OH, I WANTED TO SHOW YOU THE

PROPER WAY TO USE A FIRE

EXTINGUISHER.

>> OH!

>> GO AHEAD.

PUT IT OUT.

>> THANKS.

[LAUGHS]

>> WOULD YOU FEEL MORE

COMFORTABLE IN THE BACK SEAT?

[LAUGHS]

NO, THIS IS -- THIS IS RIGHT AT

HOME.

>> TELL ME ABOUT THAT VIDEO.

WHAT HAPPENED?

>> THIS WAS DURING FINALS WEEK.

>> WHY WEREN'T YOU STUDYING?

>> I DIDN'T HAVE A FINAL THE

NEXT DAY, AND WE WERE KIND OF

BEING GOOFY AND TAKING PICTURES.

>> OKAY.

>> AND THERE WAS A LOVELY FIRE

EXTINGUISHER ON THE WALL, AND I,

UM, I SPRAYED THAT SUCKER.

>> WERE YOU TRYING?

I MEAN, WERE YOU TRYING TO MAKE

IT SNOW?

>> I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

I JUST WANTED IT TO SNOW.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

IT -- WHEN I -- WHEN WE WERE AT

THE BARS, I WAS TAKING --

>> AMBIEN?

>> DOING RUMPLE SHOTS.

>> OKAY, RUMPLE.

>> IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS IN YOUR

MOUTH.

SO I DON'T KNOW IF THAT KIND OF

GOT IN MY HEAD.

LIKE, OH, I WANT TO MAKE IT SNOW

TONIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> AND THEN WHEN DID YOU GET IN

THE CAR AND REALIZE, OH, I'M

GOING TO BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE?

>> RIGHT AFTER THAT HAPPENED, I

HEAR THE WORDS, "YOU IMBECILE!

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

AND EVERYONE HAD TO SLEEP

DOWNSTAIRS ON THE FLOOR.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU WOULD CRY IF

YOU DID SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND

YOU --

>> NO, I WOULDN'T.

>> YEAH, YOU WOULD.

>> NO, I WOULDN'T.

>> YES, YOU WOULD.

YES, YOU WOULD.

>> NO, I WOULDN'T.

>> IF YOU HAD A LITTLE RUMPLE

SHOTS IN YOU, MAYBE YOU WOULD.

>> NO, I WOULDN'T.

NOW, DID YOU GET IN TROUBLE?

>> THEY MADE ME, UM, CLEAN THE

KITCHEN FOR A SEMESTER.

>> THAT'S ACTUALLY GOOD PRACTICE

FOR THE REAL WORLD.

>> YEAH.

>> HOW HARD DID YOU CRY DURING

9/11?

>> UM -- WOW.

DON'T ASK ME THAT.

>> DO YOU THINK A SORORITY LOOKS

GOOD ON AN APPLICATION?

>> SOMETIMES I THINK IT DOES.

>> DO YOU THINK IT OPENS DOORS?

BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

THAT IS COMPLETE BULL[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT FRATERNITY WOULD YOU SAY

PER CAPITA HAS THE MOST DATE

RAPES PENDING?

[LAUGHTER]

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN MY

SORORITY?

>> WHAT IS IT CALLED?

>> TRI TOSH.0-MEGA!

BY THE WAY, OUR SORORITY HAS A

VERY STRICT INDUCTION PROCESS.

YOU WILL GET A TATTOO.

I ALSO NEED TO GET SOME MONEY,

AND WE WILL MOST LIKELY BEAT THE

[BLEEP] OUT OF YOU.

AND IF YOU EVER TALK ABOUT IT, I

WILL [BLEEP] KILL YOU.

WELCOME TO THE TRI TOSH.0-MEGA

HOUSE.

>> THIS LOOKS LIKE A YOUTH

HOSTEL.

>> IT'S A FIXER-UPPER.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> HEY, SLUTS!

TRY NOT TO SUCK ANY [BLEEP] THIS

MORNING!

STAY OFF THE YARD!

GOD!

ALPHA CHIS ARE THE SAME

EVERYWHERE.

ALISE.

>> YES?

>> YOUR PLEDGE NAME WILL BE ICE

BITCH.

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

>> YES, I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM

WITH THAT.

>> ICE BITCH, DO YOU HAVE A

PROBLEM WITH THAT?

WHERE DO YOU WANT YOUR BRAND?

DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH,

THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT

THE TRUTH?

>> I DO.

>> AMEN!

>> AMEN.

>> AH-MEN.

>> AH-MEN.

>> NO, NO.

THE LAST AMEN WAS JUST ME.

COME ON.

>> WHY ARE WE UP SO LATE?

>> SHH!

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.

>> ALL RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS]

>> SHH!

IT'S TIME TO GET BACK AT THE

GIRLS FROM YOUR OLD SORORITY, SO

I RENTED A REAL SNOW MACHINE.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> SHUT THE F --

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

>> YEAH, LET'S MAKE IT SNOW.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

I JUST WANTED IT TO SNOW.

WHOA.

I JUST WANTED IT TO SNOW.

>> THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

NOT IN MY FACE.

>> SNOW.

OHH!

I'M DOING A SNOW ANGEL!

>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

>> THAT'S WRONG.

[COUGHS]

SNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF

MY LIFE.

>> PENGUIN!

>> PENGUIN, GET YOUR HAND OFF

HER ASS.

>> WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Y'ALL ARE GOING TO JAIL.

I'M WHUPPING YOUR ASS.

TOM SELLECK HAS NOTHING ON THIS

NEXT GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU HAVE A GIGANTIC NOSE!

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU SEE -- YEAH?

YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DO

SOMETHING ABOUT HIS MUSTACHE.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M GONNA DO

SOMETHING ABOUT HIS MUSTACHE.

LADIES, YOU'RE IN FOR THE

MUSTACHE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK WHEN HE'S AT

RESTAURANTS, PEOPLE GO, "SIR,

UH, YOU HAVE A RACK OF LAMB IN

YOUR MUSTACHE."

DOES ANYONE WANT TO EXPLAIN WHY

THE CAB DRIVER'S IN THE BACK

SEAT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> WELCOME BACK.

THE ACADEMY AWARDS ARE COMING UP

ON SUNDAY, SO I ASKED OUR FANS,

WHICH IS USUALLY AN AWFUL IDEA,

WHAT THEIR PREDICTIONS WERE.

UH, PSTOP SAYS --

COUPLES RETREAT.

VINCE VAUGHN.

HE REALLY STEPPED OUT OF HIS

COMFORT ZONE.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL,

VINCE?

OH!

STING A LITTLE BIT?

NO, PROBABLY NOT.

BRANDON WRITES --

THE KID FROM US, IS HE ASIAN OR

MEXICAN?

[LAUGHTER]

GREAT QUESTION.

NO CLUE.

LOULOU WRITES --

MY VOTE IS FOR THE GIRL WHO

PLAYED PRECIOUS, BUT I BELIEVE

HER CHANCES ARE DIMINISHED

BECAUSE SHE ALSO STARRED IN THE

BLIND SPOT.

[LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

OKAY.

WHILE FUNNY, THAT IS NOT NICE.

DR_BOB SAYS --

MOVIES ARE GAY.

YOU ARE GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

I WOULD ARGUE, BUT HE IS A

DOCTOR.

THANKS, GUYS, YOU CLEARLY TOOK

THIS SERIOUSLY.

WE TABULATED ALL OF YOUR

RESPONSES, AND THE RESULTS BROKE

DOWN LIKE THIS.

7% THINK SHORT CIRCUIT 2 SHOULD

WIN BEST PICTURE.

15% THIS SOMETHING RACIST.

UH, THERE WAS ONE VOTE FOR

GRANNY TAKES A SQUIRT.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE OVERALL WINNER FOR BEST

PICTURE AND BEST ACTRESS BY A

HUGE MARGIN WAS MY MOM.

[LAUGHTER]

SO CONGRATULATIONS, MOM.

I HAD NO

ALL RIGHT, OUR NEXT VIDEO GOT

REALLY POPULAR A FEW WEEKS AGO.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, HERE'S

THE BEARD MAN'S BUS FIGHT.

THERE'S A MISUNDERSTANDING

BETWEEN THIS OLD WHITE GUY AND

THIS BLACK GUY ABOUT WHO'S GONNA

SHINE WHOSE SHOES.

NOW -- YEAH.

THE BLACK GUY THINKS THE WHOLE

DISCUSSION IS RACIST, BUT THE

WHITE GUY CLAIMS IT'S NOT BY

SAYING THIS.

>> IT COULD BE A CHINAMAN.

IT DON'T MATTER.

>> "IT COULD BE A CHINAMAN.

IT DON'T MATTER."

SOLID ARGUMENT.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT FOR SOME REASON, THEY KEEP

FIGHTING, UNTIL THE WHITE GUY

WALKS TO THE FRONT OF THE BUS.

YEAH, HE'S LIKE ROSA PARKS WITH

A BEARD.

NOTICE, HE'S WEARING A "I'M A

MOTHER[BLEEP]" T-SHIRT, WHICH

SENDS A MIXED MESSAGE WHEN

WEARING A FANNY PACK.

NOW THE BLACK GUY WALKS OVER TO

MAKE GOOD ON HIS PROMISE OF

PUTTING HIS FOOT UP THE WHITE

GUY'S ASS.

TURNS OUT TO BE AN AWFUL

DECISION.

YEAH.

OH!

MY GRANDPA IS SUCH A PUSSY.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK AT THAT BLOOD.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

I KNOW.

HE'S LEAKING!

AT TIMES LIKE THIS, THERE'S ONLY

ONE THING TO DO.

>> BRING A "AMBULAMS."

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHAT WAS THAT?

>> BRING A "AMBULAMS."

>> A "AMBERLAMPS."

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YOU MEAN AN AMBULANCE!

ALL RIGHT, I GOTCHA.

WELL, THE INTERNET HAS GONE

PRETTY NUTS WITH THIS VIDEO.

THERE'S CARTOONS, T-SHIRTS, BUT

MY FAVORITE HAS GOT TO BE THIS.

♪ WHOA, BLACK BETTY

>> AMBULAMS.

♪ WHOA, BLACK BETTY

>> AMBULAMS.

♪ BLACK BETTY HAD A CHILD

>> AMBULAMS.

♪ THE DAMN THING GONE WILD

>> AMBULAMS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> SOME COMMENTERS HAVE PRAISED

THIS OLD MAN FOR BEATING UP A

THUG, BUT THIS INTERVIEW WE

FOUND PROVES THAT HE'S ACTUALLY

A SAD, CRAZY WAR HERO.

>> I AIN'T NO HERO, MAN.

I'M A VIETNAM VET.

AND MY MAMA DIED.

MY MAMA DIED.

>> OKAY, DON'T FEEL TOO BAD.

HE'S REALLY OLD.

HIS MOM SHOULD BE DEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

ALSO, IT TURNS OUT THAT THE

BLACK GUY IS ACTUALLY 50 YEARS

OLD, VAGUELY EFFEMINATE, AND WAS

EVEN A LITTLE DRUNK.

>> I WAS MINDING MY OWN

BUSINESS, AND --AND --

AND I'M QUITE SURE HE COULD TELL

THAT I WAS INTOXICATED.

>> YEAH.

THE OLD MAN'S VICTORY IS NOT

THAT IMPRESSIVE ANYMORE, IS IT?

THAT'S WHY I'D LIKE TO GIVE

THOSE TWO GREAT AMERICANS A

CHANCE TO SETTLE THEIR BEEF ONCE

AND FOR ALL IN OUR FIRST EVER

WEB REMATCH.

AND IF YOU GUYS COME ON MY SHOW,

WE PROMISE TO HAVE AN

"AMBERLAMS" STANDING BY.

[CREAKING]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

>> [BLEEP]

[LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

>> OOH!

THAT WAS A HALF AN INCH AWAY

FROM BEING THE GREATEST THING

I'VE EVER SEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S TAKE THAT VIDEO APART

BRICK BY BRICK IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FLIPPING A PROPERTY CAN BE A

NIGHTMARE, BUT IT ALL STARTS OUT

WITH IMPROVING YOUR CURB APPEAL.

LIKE A GOOD AGENT, RICHIE IS ON

THE ROOF, DOING SOME LAST-MINUTE

CLEANING BEFORE HE SHOWS THIS

QUAINT LITTLE CRYSTAL METH

STARTER HOME TO SOME TOOTHLESS,

NEWLYWED FIRST-TIME BUYERS.

AND YOU CAN TELL FROM THE

CREAKING THAT THAT ROOF IS

COMPLETELY UP TO CODE.

GOOD JOB, RICHIE.

THAT TENNIS BALL WAS AN EYESORE.

YOU SHOULD SAVE THAT FOR YOUR

CAR ANTENNA.

GOSH, DANG IT!

IT LOOKED SO STABLE.

SHOULD HE RAISE HIS ARMS AND

GENTLY EASE HIMSELF DOWN?

NO.

HE FLAILS AROUND LIKE SADDAM AT

THE END OF A NOOSE.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

IS THAT TOO SOON FOR SADDAM

JOKES?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS MISS SADDAM?

LIKE, OH!

AND HE TAKES A GRUESOME

THREE-INCH FALL.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW THERE'S A RICHIE-SHAPED HOLE

IN THE ROOF.

MAYBE IN THE LISTING, HE CAN

TEASE IT AS A SKYLIGHT.

INCOMING!

[AUDIENCE OHS]

POP QUIZ, HOTSHOT.

THERE'S A BRICK HEADING FOR YOUR

NUTS AT 50 MILES PER HOUR.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

[AUDIENCE OHS]

HOLY HELL!

THANKFULLY, HIS CROTCH HAD

CAT-LIKE REFLEXES.

HE WAS ALMOST CIRCUMCISED.

MAZELTOV!

[LAUGHTER]

OH, AND GOOD NEWS, THE LEAD

CONTRACTOR PUT THIS VIDEO

ONLINE, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK

YOU.

THIS NEXT VIDEO SHOWS THAT WHEN

YOU GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE AT THE

AGE OF 12, YOU PROBABLY HAVE TOO

MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS.

>> YES!

OH, MY GOSH!

OH, MY GOSH!

OH, MY GOSH!

>> ME STACK YOU LONG TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH, MY GOSH!

OH, MY GOSH!

OH, MY GOSH!

>> OKAY, WE GET IT.

WOMEN ARE GOOD AT PUTTING DISHES

AWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

UHH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WITH HANDS THAT FAST, WHEN SHE

GETS OLDER AND HER BODY STAYS

EXACTLY THE SAME, SHE'LL BE ABLE

TO GIVE ONE HELL OF A HAPPY

ENDING.

[LAUGHTER]

CUP STACKING IS A COMPETITIVE

SPORT, BUT I FIND IT HARD TO

BELIEVE THAT IT'S THAT FUN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH, MY GOSH!

OH, MY GOSH!

OH, MY GOSH!

OH, MY GOSH!

OKAY.

IT'S THE GREATEST SPORT EVER.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

>> NOTHING GAY ABOUT THAT.

TITTIES!