CC Presents: Erin Foley

  • Season 13, Ep 18
  • 01/11/2009

I LOVE FOOTBALL.

I'M LIKE THE BIGGESTFOOTBALL FAN, YOU KNOW?

THE ONE THING I DON'T LIKE

ARE THE FEMALE REPORTERSON THE SIDELINES.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

I FEEL LIKE THEY HAVENO KNOWLEDGE OR PASSION

FOR THE GAME, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, THE CAMERA PANS ON THEM --

THEY'RE WEARING SOME SORTOF RUSSIAN FUR-COAT ENSEMBLE

WITH LIKE A MATCHING DEAD CATON THEIR HEAD, YOU KNOW?

AND, YOU KNOW,THEY'RE REPORTING.

THEY'RE LIKE, "IT'S HALFTIMEFROM GIANTS STADIUM,

"AND THE GIANTS HAVE40 TOTAL OFFENSIVE YARDS,

"WHICH IS GREAT --WHICH IS NOT GREAT.

"NOT GREAT AT ALL.

"THEY'RE GONNA NEEDA COUPLE MORE

"IF THEY WANTTO PULL THIS GAME OUT.

"UH, MANAGED TO TALKTO THE QUARTERBACK

"BEFORE HE WENT INTO THATDARK TUNNEL-LOOKING AREA.

"AND HIS MAJOR CONCERN --

"HE WASN'T GETTING ENOUGHPROTECTION IN HIS POCKET.

"WHOA, DID I SAY THAT RIGHT?THAT SOUNDS SCANDALOUS.

"THAT'S -- ANYWAY,THAT'S IT FOR ME.

BACK TO YOU IN THE BOOTH, BOB."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"

[ APPLAUSE ]

IT'S CRAZY!

LIKE, IF I WASON THE SIDELINES REPORTING,

I'D GET SO INTO IT, YOU KNOW?

I'D HAVE BLACK UNDER MY EYES.

I'D HAVE A HELMET ONFOR NO APPARENT REASON.

I'D PULL THE QUARTERBACK OVER.

I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE DOWN BY 17."YOUR SLANT PATTERNS SUCK.

"THE DEFENSE IS CONTROLLINGTHE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE.

"YOU'VE HAD ONE FIRST DOWN.

"AND I'D LIKE TO KNOWWHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO ABOUT IT,

"'CAUSE I'M ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

BACK TO YOU IN THE BOOTH, BOB."

IT WOULD BE FUN.

AND I WAS AT BARNES & NOBLERECENTLY.

WHEN YOU STOP AND TAKE A LOOKAT ALL THE BOOKS,

THERE'S LIKE A LOT OF DEPRESSINGBOOKS OUT THERE, PEOPLE --

LIKE BOOKS ON WARS AND PLAGUESAND POVERTY.

BUT THEN I DISCOVER THE MOSTDEPRESSING BOOK OF ALL TIME.

IT'S ACTUALLYIN THE COOKING SECTION.

IT'S CALLED"VEGAN COOKING FOR ONE."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S DEPRESSING.

NO MEAT, NO FISH,NO DAIRY, NO FRIENDS.

SCREW IT! THROW IN THE TOWEL!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S DEPRESSING.

LITERALLY, ON THE BACKOF THE BOOK, IT'S LIKE,

"IF YOU LOVE'VEGAN COOKING FOR ONE,'

YOU'LL LOVE 'THE BELL JAR'BY SYLVIA PLATH."

IT'S JUST WRONG.

I READ, LIKE,THE MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS.

I WAS READING THIS NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ARTICLE

ON MENSTRUAL HUTS.

ARE YOU GUYS FAMILIARWITH MENSTRUAL HUTS?

I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT.

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENEDHUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO

IN SMALL TRIBES AND VILLAGES.

WHEN WOMEN HAD THEIR PERIODS,

THEY WERE LITERALLYREMOVED FROM THE VILLAGE,

AND THEY HAD TO SIT IN A HUTFOR A WEEK, RIGHT?

BECAUSE...

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

...SERIOUSLY, 'CAUSE THE MENIN THE VILLAGE WERE LIKE,

"WE DON'T UNDERSTANDWHAT'S HAPPENING.

"YOU'RE CREEPY. YOU'RE DIRTY.YOU'RE A WITCH.

GET OUT."

SO, OBVIOUSLY,WE EVOLVED AS A SOCIETY,

AND WOMEN ARE LET BACKIN THE VILLAGE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M LIKE, "THAT COULD BEA RASH DECISION, PEOPLE."

I SAY, "BRING BACK THE HUTS."

THINK ABOUT IT.

I DON'T WANTTO HANG OUT WITH YOU.

YOU DON'T WANTTO HANG OUT WITH ME.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK.

HOOK ME UP WITH A HUT.LET'S DO THIS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW?

WE'LL GET SOME DIRECTV.

GET SOME DIRECTV, YOU KNOW,

SOME GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES,SOME MAGNUMS OF WINE.

LET'S HUNKER DOWN.SEE YOU IN FIVE TO SEVEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S MY THEORY.

AND LIVING OUT IN L.A.FOR THE LAST TWO,

WHICH IS COOL, 'CAUSE I DOA LOT OF TRAVELING FOR COMEDY,

WHICH IS AWESOME.

I WAS DOING A GIGIN MISSISSIPPI RECENTLY,

WHICH IS A HORRIFYING STATE.

AND TRAVELING DOWN THE HIGHWAY,

LOOK UP TO THIS HUGE BILLBOARD

THAT READS "REMEMBER,STATUTORY RAPE IS A CRIME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"REMEMBER"?!

USUALLY, IT'S SPEED LIMITS,FALLING ROCK ZONE,

BUT APPARENTLY IN MISSISSIPPI,

YOU NEED GIANT REMINDERS

OF HORRIFYING BEHAVIOR.

YOU CAN SEE THAT CREEPY OLD MANDRIVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY,

AND HE SEES THE SIGN.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, HELL, NO.

GET OUT."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WRONG.

WRONG.

I USED TO LOVE TO TRAVEL,ACTUALLY, A LOT MORE.

NOW AIR TRAVEL'SBECOME SO TEDIOUS

AND EXHAUSTING, YOU KNOW?

IT TAKES LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALFEVEN TO BOARD THE PLANE,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSEALONG WITH FIRST CLASS,

THERE'S LIKE 25 ELITE-STATUSMEMBERSHIPS

THAT HAVE TO GET ON THE PLANE

BEFORE US SLOBS GET ON COACH,YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE LIKE, "WE'D LIKE TOBOARD OUR FIRST-CLASS GUESTS,

"ALONG WITH OUR EXECUTIVE CLUB,

"MEMBERSOF THE ONEWORLD ALLIANCE,

"MEDALLION MEMBERS,DIAMOND CLUB,

"PLATINUM, GOLD, WHITE GOLD,

"'SOLID GOLD' DANCERS,

"SILVER, BRONZE,

"FOURTH PLACE,

"TIN, PEWTER,

"AND OUR REYNOLDS WRAP GUESTS.

YOU MAY NOW GET ON THE PLANE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

TAKES FOREVER.

IT DOES. IT TAKES LIKEAN HOUR AND A HALF.

THE COOL THING ABOUT TRAVELING

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