CC Presents: Jeff Stilson

  • Season 7, Ep 15
  • 05/22/2003

Jeff Stilson: THANK YOU

VERY MUCH.

THAT'S-- OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE WAY TOO KIND.

IF ONLY YOU KNEW ME.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, BUT THIS IS GREAT.

WE'RE IN NEW YORK CITY.

YOU GOT YOUR LITTLE DRINKS IN

FRONT OF YOU, YOUR FAKE DRINKS.

[LAUGHTER]

NO FAKE CIGARETTES, THOUGH.

YOU CAN'T EVEN FAKE LIKE YOU'RE

SMOKING ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYOR IS GOING CRAZY ABOUT

THE SMOKING.

THIS SMOKING THING, WE HATE

THE SMOKERS IN OUR COUNTRY NOW.

OUR SUPREME COURT HAS EVEN RULED

THAT FORCING ONE INMATE TO SHARE

A CELL WITH ANOTHER WHO SMOKES

IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.

YEAH, IN OTHER WORDS,

OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM DECIDED THAT

A PRISONER CAN STILL SODOMIZE

HIS CELLMATE, HE JUST CAN'T

ENJOY THAT COMEDOWN CIGARETTE

AFTERWARD.

THAT'S THE BAD PART,

THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOT THE NON-CONSENSUAL ANAL

INCURSION.

NO PROBLEM THERE.

SO THIS IS GREAT, BEING IN

NEW YORK, YOU KNOW.

I MOVED HERE ABOUT 13 YEARS AGO

FROM SEATTLE, WASHINGTON.

I LEFT A CITY THAT HAS A HIGH

SUICIDE RATE FOR A CITY THAT

HAS A HIGH HOMICIDE RATE.

GUESS I'M JUST NOT A

DO-IT-YOURSELF KIND OF PERSON.

[LAUGHTER]

SO THANKS FOR COMING OUT,

YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE OUT.

AND THANKS FOR THE PEOPLE

WHO ARE WATCHING THIS ON TV.

THAT'S WHAT I'D BE DOING,

I'D BE AT HOME WATCHING TV.

MY TWO FAVORITE NETWORKS,

BY THE WAY, ARE COURT TELEVISION

AND ESPN.

I LIKE COURT TV AND ESPN BECAUSE

TOGETHER THEY ALLOW ME TO FOLLOW

THE CAREERS OF MY FAVORITE

PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES FROM

DRAFT DAY RIGHT THROUGH THEIR

FIRST FELONY CONVICTIONS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ACTUALLY, I'M TRYING TO WEAN

MYSELF OFF OF SPORTS,

OR WATCHING SPORTS ON TV.

IT'S TOO TIME CONSUMING.

I DON'T WATCH FOOTBALL ANYMORE.

I GAVE THAT UP.

I GOT TIRED OF THE INTERVIEWS

AFTER THE GAMES BECAUSE

THE WINNING PLAYERS ALWAYS GIVE

CREDIT TO GOD WHILE THE LOSERS

BLAME THEMSELVES.

YOU KNOW, JUST ONCE I'D LIKE

HEAR A PLAYER SAY, "YEAH,

WE WERE IN THE GAME, UNTIL JESUS

MADE ME FUMBLE.

[LAUGHTER]

HE HATES OUR TEAM."

AMATEUR SPORTS ARE NO BETTER

THAN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE-- WELL, I KNOW THE OLYMPICS

ARE COMING TO NEW YORK I THINK

IN 2012 OR SOMETHING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHO CARES?

ARE YOU REALLY EXCITED ABOUT

THE OLYMPIC GAMES?

THERE ARE TOO MANY WEIRD OLYMPIC

EVENTS NOW.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE ONE WHERE THE

GYMNASTS PRANCE AROUND ON

THE MATERIAL TWIRLING A PIECE

OF RIBBON.

IT'S CALLED RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS.

UNLESS YOU'RE FIVE, THEN IT'S

CALLED PLAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW THERE'S A BIG PUSH TO MAKE

BOWLING AN OLYMPIC SPORT.

BOWLING AN OLYMPIC SPORT,

THINK ABOUT THAT.

YEAH, THAT CERTAINLY WILL ADD

SPLENDOR TO THE GAMES, WON'T IT?

IMAGINE HOW THE DRAMA WILL BUILD

BEFORE THE COMPETITION AS THE

BOWLERS WAIT PATIENTLY IN LINE

TO RENT THEIR SHOES.

[LAUGHTER]

GOD, I FEEL SORRY FOR THE

COMMENTATORS IN BOWLING,

YOU KNOW?

THE SPORT IS SO PREDICTABLE.

THERE'S JUST A BALL AND

AN ALLEY.

THERE'S NO DEFENSE,

NO OBSTACLES, NO STRATEGY.

"SO JIM, WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'LL

DO ON THIS ONE?"

[LAUGHTER]

"HE'S PROBABLY GONNA TRY

TO KNOCK THOSE PINS DOWN.

BACK TO YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

AND GOLF'S GONNA BE AN OLYMPIC

SPORT.

GOLF, AN OLYMPIC SPORT.

YEAH, YOU'RE EXCIT--

[APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE DIFFICULT

TO STAY AWAKE WHILE WATCHING

GOLF ON TELEVISION.

IT'S A GREAT SLEEP INDUCER.

I THINK THIS IS WHY THE

COMMENTATORS IN GOLF WHISPER;

THEY DON'T WANT TO WAKE YOU UP.

[LAUGHTER]

"LOOKS LIKE TIGER HAS ABOUT

A 20-FOOT PUTT, AND WHILE HE'S

LININ' IT UP I'LL TAKE THIS

OPPORTUNITY TO SING--

♪ ROCK-A-BYE BABY ♪

[LAUGHTER]

AND-- WELL, IN RECENT OLYMPICS

ANYWAY, HAVE ALL BEEN PLAGUED

BY SOME, YOU KNOW, DRUG SCANDAL.

AND IT'S REALLY NO WONDER.

THE DRUG TESTING IN THE OLYMPICS

IS SO STRINGENT NOW.

ONE GUY WAS EVEN STRIPPED

OF A GOLD MEDAL AFTER HE TESTED

POSITIVE FOR MARIJUANA.

MARIJUANA?

MARIJUANA'S NOT A

PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUG.

IT'S THE OPPOSITE.

THIS GUY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN

TWO MEDALS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ONE FOR WINNING, AND ONE FOR

GETTING HIS ASS OFF THE COUCH

AND DOING SOMETHING WHEN HE

WAS STONED.

COULD HAVE BEEN SITTIN' AROUND

ALL DAY EATIN' DORITOS AND

WATCHIN' CARTOONS.

Jeff Stilson: SO I'M

VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE.

I DON'T GET OUT THAT MUCH

ANYMORE.

I GOT THREE KIDS AND TWO RETIRED

PARENTS.

OH, MAN, THE RETIRED PARENTS.

OH, JESUS.

THEY CALL CONSTANTLY.

THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO SO THEY

JUST CALL YOU ON THE PHONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT RETIRED PARENTS

ARE LIKE?

THEY'RE LIKE TELEMARKETERS THAT

YOU CAN'T HANG UP ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY REFUSE TO TAKE YOU OFF

THEIR CALL LIST.

GOT THREE KIDS.

I HAVE A 4 1/2 YEAR-OLD, A

2 1/2 YEAR-OLD AND A HALF-YEAR

OLD.

I-- YEAH, I WAS PRESENT FOR ALL

OF THEIR BIRTHS, THAT'S EXPECTED

OF MEN NOW.

WE GOTTA BE THERE WHEN THE KIDS

ARE BORN.

I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT OUR

ROLE IS IN THE DELIVERY ROOM.

[LAUGHTER]

AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, IT'S LIKE

WAITING FOR YOUR LUGGAGE AT

BAGGAGE CLAIM.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW YOU JUST STAND THERE

AND PEER INTO THAT VOID.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"GOD, I HOPE THAT ONE'S MINE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M EXHAUSTED.

THIS HAS BEEN VERY HARD ON ME."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OF COURSE WE'RE TOLD WE'RE IN

THE DELIVERY ROOM WE'RE THERE

TO COACH.

YEAH, LIKE MY WIFE NEEDS ME

TO TELL HER HOW TO BREATHE.

SHE CREATED A HUMAN BEING INSIDE

OF HER, I CAN BARELY MAKE

MICROWAVE POPCORN.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE NOT THERE TO COACH,

WE'RE THERE TO WATCH.

WE'RE THERE TO WATCH WOMEN

DO SOMETHING THAT WE CAN'T DO.

AND IT WAS A SHREWD MOVE OF THEM

AND NO COINCIDENCE THAT THE

WOMEN'S MOVEMENT STARTED

TO PICK UP STEAM ABOUT THE

SAME TIME WE WERE INVITED

INTO THE DELIVERY ROOM.

IT'S WOMEN'S WAY OF SAYING,

"OH, YOU DON'T THINK I CAN

COMPETE WITH YOU IN THE

WORKPLACE?

AHHH!

WHO'S THE BITCH NOW?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, I HAVE TREMENDOUS RESPECT

FOR WOMEN AFTER WATCHING MY WIFE

GIVE BIRTH THREE TIMES.

I COULD NEVER, EVER RAISE

A CHILD TO WHOM I GAVE BIRTH,

YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE A NEWBORN IS ABOUT

THE SIZE OF A BASKETBALL AND

IF I HAD TO EXPEL A BASKETBALL

FROM MY BODY VIA A VERY

RESTRICTED PASSAGEWAY, I WOULD

NEVER WANT TO SEE THAT

BASKETBALL AGAIN.

NOT EVEN ON WEEKENDS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S VERY STRESSFUL BECOMING

A PARENT, IT IS.

YOU KNOW WHAT WAS REALLY HARD

FOR ME?

COMING UP WITH NAMES FOR OUR

CHILDREN.

I PANIC WHEN I HAVE TO NAME

A NEW DOCUMENT ON MY COMPUTER.

[LAUGHTER]

"DAMN, EVERYBODY USES

MISCELLANEOUS."

GOT SO DESPERATE TOWARD THE END

OF MY WIFE'S THIRD PREGNANCY I

FOUND MYSELF READING THE CREDITS

AT THE END OF MOVIES LOOKING FOR

NAMES.

WHICH MEANS AT SOME POINT I'LL

HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO MY LITTLE BOY

THAT HE WAS NAMED AFTER THE KEY

GRIP ON "DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?"

[LAUGHTER]

SO MY OLDEST BOY IS 4 1/2.

WE NAMED HIM NATE.

HE WAS BORN HERE IN NEW YORK

AND--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

MY WIFE'S AUSTRALIAN.

SO NATE'S-- WELL, HE'S HALF

AUSTRALIAN, HALF NEW YORKER

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HIS FIRST

WORDS WERE, "G'DAY, ASS[BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S ONLY 4 1/2 AND HE'S ALREADY

FIGURED OUT THAT I'M A MORON,

WHICH IS KIND OF DISHEARTENING,

YOU KNOW?

I WAS HOPING THAT WE'D PUT THAT

OFF A LITTLE BIT.

BUT THE OTHER NIGHT WE WERE

WATCHING THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL

AND IT WAS A NATURE SHOW.

AND A HIPPOPOTAMUS APPEARED

ON THE SCREEN.

AND I DIDN'T THINK HE KNEW WHAT

A HIPPOPOTAMUS WAS SO I SAID,

"HEY, NATE.

THAT'S A HIPPOPOTAMUS."

AND HE SAID, "THAT'S RIGHT,

DADDY.

IT IS A HIPPOPOTAMUS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE VERY SMART.

WANT A COOKIE?"

SO, I'VE REALIZED ONE THING:

THERE'S A LOT OF PRESSURE ON

PARENTS, MAN.

I JUST FIGURED THAT OUT.

PARENTS GET BLAMED FOR

EVERYTHING NOW.

EVEN THEN THEIR KIDS ARE GROWN

UP AND OUT OF THE HOUSE PARENTS

ARE USED AS SCAPEGOATS.

"I'M A LOSER BECAUSE MY FATHER'S

AN ALCOHOLIC."

NO, YOUR FATHER'S AN ALCOHOLIC

BECAUSE YOU'RE A LOSER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

QUIT YOUR WHINING.

GOD, PEOPLE LOVE TO WHINE,

DON'T THEY?

SOME PEOPLE, ONE WRONG WORD CAN

SET THEM OFF.

WE AREN'T STEWARDS WE'RE FLIGHT

ATTENDANTS.

YOU KNOW, WHATEVER YOU ARE,

GO FETCH ME SOME PEANUTS AND

A DIET COKE.

YOU CAN BE ASTRONAUTS IF YOU

WANT I DON'T CARE.

I'M THIRSTY.

SOMEHOW WE CONVINCED OURSELVES

THAT WE'RE HELPING PEOPLE MERELY

BY USING THE PROPER TERMINOLOGY

WHEN REFERRING TO THEM.

THEY AREN'T BUMS.

THEY'RE THE HOMELESS.

I GUESS WE FIGURE IT'S BAD

ENOUGH THAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SLEEP

IN THE GUTTER.

WE CERTAINLY WOULDN'T WANT THEM

TO SUFFER FROM LOW SELF-ESTEEM

AS WELL.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T HAVE ANY SYMPATHY

FOR PEOPLE WHO SUFFER FROM

LOW SELF-ESTEEM, YOU KNOW?

YOU DON'T NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF.

YOU JUST NEED TO HATE A LOT OF

OTHER PEOPLE.

THEN GRADE YOURSELF ON THE

CURVE.

HEY, I MIGHT SUCK BUT I DON'T

SUCK AS BAD AS HITLER.

Jeff Stilson: SO, I GOT

THE KIDS.

MARRIED 8 1/2 YEARS.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, 8 1/2 YEARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE BEING MARRIED, TOO.

I LIKE BEING MARRIED FOR

TWO REASONS.

ONE, I GOT REALLY TIRED OF

DATING.

AND, TWO, I GOT REALLY TIRED

OF EXERCISING.

[APPLAUSE]

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE COUPLES

WHO GET MARRIED AND THEN

CONTINUE TO WORK OUT AND EAT

HEALTHILY.

I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POINT OF

GETTING MARRIED IF YOU CAN'T LET

YOURSELF GO.

IT'S NOT AS IF YOU HAVE TO BE

ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE.

THE RACE IS OVER.

TAKE OFF THE UNIFORM.

THERE'S NO WEIGHT CLAUSE IN THE

WEDDING VOWS.

ANOTHER REASON I LIKE BEING

MARRIED IS THAT-- WELL--

SOMETIMES-- I KIND OF PLATEAU

WHEN IT COMES TO MY

SELF-LOATHING.

AND THAT'S WHY IT'S NICE TO HAVE

SOMEONE WHO'S ALWAYS AROUND

WHO CAN POINT OUT ALL THE FLAWS

AND DEFECTS IN MY CHARACTER THAT

I MIGHT HAVE OVERLOOKED.

AND, THUS, ALLOW ME TO TAKE

MY SELF-LOATHING TO A WHOLE NEW

LEVEL.

SO--

I WASN'T GOOD AT DATING ANYWAY.

I WASN'T GOOD AT IT.

I WASN'T CONFIDENT ENOUGH AROUND

WOMEN, YOU KNOW?

SOME MEN ARE.

SOME MEN ARE SO SELF-ASSURED

THAT THEY THINK THEY CAN CONVERT

GAY WOMEN.

MAKE THEM STRAIGHT.

I COULDN'T DO THAT.

I COULD MAKE A STRAIGHT WOMAN

GAY, THOUGH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO--

I GOT THAT GOING FOR ME.

AND BY THE WAY, I THINK

GAY PEOPLE SHOULD BE ALLOWED

TO GET MARRIED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE

OPPOSED TO IT.

I HAVE AN UNCLE WHO IS.

AND, YOU KNOW HE LIKES TO

SAY THINGS LIKE, "THE THOUGHT

OF TWO MEN HAVING SEX MAKES ME

SICK."

YEAH, WELL, THE THOUGHT OF YOUR

FAT, HAIRY ASS HUMPING AWAY

DOESN'T EXACTLY TICKLE ME PINK

EITHER.

[APPLAUSE]

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

HOW 'BOUT THAT?

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

WHY WOULD YOU SPEND ANY TIME

AT ALL THINKING ABOUT THINGS

THAT YOU DON'T LIKE?

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

HOW YOU DOING TODAY, JIM?

"OH, NOT SO WELL.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ALL DAY WHAT

IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE OPEN,

WEEPING SORES ON MY GENITALS."

[LAUGHTER]

"OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT."

SO, I JUST WANNA STAY MARRIED.

I DON'T WANNA DATE.

I DON'T WANNA HAVE TO GO THROUGH

A BREAK-UP, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANNA GET DIVORCED

BECAUSE EVERY BREAK-UP HAS THE

POTENTIAL TO GET REALLY UGLY.

I MEAN, LOOK AT MIA FARROW

AND WOODY ALLEN.

AFTER THEIR SPLIT SHE WAS

SO PISSED SHE RENAMED THEIR

CHILDREN.

RENAMED THEIR CHILDREN.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD

DO THAT.

WHAT?

YOU JUST SIT THE KIDS DOWN

ONE DAY AND TELL THEM,

"YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE DECIDED

TO SEPARATE.

AND YOU'RE BOB NOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHY DO I HAVE TO BE BOB?"

"BECAUSE YOUR FATHER'S

A BASTARD, THAT'S WHY.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, SHUT UP AND GO TO YOUR

ROOM, BOB."

DON'T NEED THAT.

DON'T NEED THAT.

HERE'S A PET PEEVE OF MINE.

MEN WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING

MARRIED."

BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS CLEARLY

AN INSTITUTION THAT FAVORS MEN.

IT'S A STATISTICAL FACT THAT

ON AVERAGE WOMEN WHO NEVER GET

MARRIED LIVE LONGER THAN WOMEN

WHO DO.

BUT MEN WHO NEVER GET MARRIED

DON'T LIVE AS LONG AS MEN

WHO DO.

THAT'S WHY WE BUY WOMEN THE

ENGAGEMENT RING.

IT'S A FORM OF COMPENSATION.

"HERE, THIS IS FOR THE LIFE THAT

I'M ABOUT TO SUCK OUT OF YOU."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE HONEYMOON'S WEIRD, TOO,

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU'VE JUST TAKEN THE VOWS WHEN

YOU RUSH OFF TO SOME VACATION

HIDEAWAY WHERE YOU SPEND

EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY WITH

THE VERY PERSON WHOM YOU JUST

PLEDGED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

TWO WEEKS APART, I THINK,

WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE.

[APPLAUSE]

AND THOSE WHO ABSTAIN FROM

PRE-MARITAL SEX WILL ARGUE

THAT THE GREATEST GIFT A WOMAN

CAN OFFER A MAN IS HER

VIRGINITY.

NOT NECESSARILY, EVERYTHING HAS

A SHELF LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE CHEESECAKE BUT NOT IF

IT'S BEEN SITTING IN THE FREEZER

FOR 30 YEARS.

THEY SAY KIDS ARE MORE ADVANCED

SEXUALLY NOW THAN WE WERE.

THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME.

I DIDN'T LOSE MY VIRGINITY

UNTIL I WAS 19 YEARS OLD.

I THINK I KNOW WHY, TOO.

I WAS BORN BY CESAREAN SECTION.

I NEVER REALLY HAD A FRAME

OF REFERENCE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I KEEP READING I'M

OVER-THE-HILL SEXUALLY.

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HAVING

A SEXUAL PEAK WHEN I WAS 19.

I JUST REMEMBER APOLOGIZING

A LOT.

[LAUGHTER]

SO, I JUST WANNA STAY MARRIED.

THAT'S ALL I WANT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE SECRET

IS TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP,

YOU KNOW?

IS IT-- ALL THESE SO-CALLED

RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS LIKE

DR. PHIL, WHO, BY THE WAY,

LOOKS LIKE A GIANT PENIS

WITH A MUSTACHE--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND MOST

IMPRESSIVE ABOUT DR. PHIL IS

THE WAY HE'S ALWAYS ABLE TO MAKE

SOME KEY PSYCHOLOGICAL

BREAKTHROUGH RIGHT BEFORE

HE THROWS TO THE COMMERCIAL.

I'M VERY IMPRESSED BY THAT.

BUT HE SAYS, AND THE REST OF

THEM SAY, THAT THE SECRET

TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

IS COMMUNICATION.

I DON'T BUY THAT.

I THINK THE SECRET TO A

SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE IS

LOW EXPECTATIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S DEFINITELY NOT

COMMUNICATION.

MEN AND WOMEN ARE NOT CAPABLE OF

COMMUNICATING WITH EACH OTHER.

WOMEN HAVE A BETTER GRASP OF

LANGUAGE THAN MEN.

THERE ARE NO SYNONYMS IN

A WOMAN'S VOCABULARY.

EVERY WORD HAS ITS OWN SHADE

OF MEANING.

"I DIDN'T SAY THAT I WAS MAD.

I SAID THAT I WAS UPSET.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE YOU SHOULD LISTEN."

[APPLAUSE]

THAT, BY THE WAY, IS THE

"YOU'RE A MORON" LOOK.

[LAUGHTER]

ANTHROPOLOGISTS THEORIZE THAT

WOMEN ARE VERBAL SO THAT THEY

CAN ATTRACT MEN.

AND MEN ARE ANALYTICAL SO THAT

WE CAN FIND WOMEN.

THIS EXPLAINS WHY A MAN ONLY

GETS LOST DRIVING WHEN HE

ALREADY HAS A WOMAN IN THE CAR

WITH HIM.

HE'S CONFUSED.

HIS MISSION'S COMPLETE.

[APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS BECAUSE WE AREN'T VERBAL

THAT'S WHY WE'RE RARELY ABLE TO

PROVIDE WOMEN WITH THE ROMANTIC

DIALOGUE THEY SO DESIRE.

WOMEN SHOULD HAVE TELEPROMPTERS

MOUNTED ON THEIR FOREHEADS.

THAT WAY WE COULD READ WHATEVER

THEY WANTED US TO SAY AND STILL

ALMOST MAKE EYE CONTACT AND

APPEAR SINCERE.

[APPLAUSE]

"WITHOUT YOU, MY LIFE HAS

NO MEANING.

I AM LIKE A BEE WITHOUT

A FLOWER.

JE T'AI--

I'M SORRY, I DON'T SPEAK

FRENCH."

I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH.

I WISH I DID.

FRENCH IS THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE.

I SPEAK GERMAN, THE LANGUAGE

OF PERSECUTION.

I LIVED IN VIENNA, AUSTRIA FOR

A YEAR.

I SPENT A YEAR THERE.

I DIDN'T ACCLIMATE WELL

OVERSEAS.

LITTLE THINGS THREW ME LIKE--

SPEAKING GERMAN TO DOGS.

"KOMM.

YA, DU BIST EIN GUTTER HOUND."

FELT AS THOUGH THEY WERE LOOKING

AT ME LIKE, "GOD, YOU HAVE THE

WORST ACCENT."

[LAUGHTER]

SUFFERED THROUGH SOME AWKWARD

MOMENTS WHILE LIVING IN AUSTRIA.

ONE DAY I WOKE UP, TURNED ON

THE TELEVISION SET AND THE

WIZARD OF OZ WAS ON.

IT WAS DUBBED INTO GERMAN.

I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

THERE'S SOMETHING SINISTER ABOUT

GERMAN SPEAKING MUNCHKINS.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY AREN'T CUTE, THEY'RE SCARY.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I WONDER WHERE THAT LEADS.

BUT IT'S AN INTERESTING AREA OF

STUDY, LANGUAGE, IT REALLY IS.

I HAD A LINGUISTICS PROFESSOR

WHO SAID THAT IT'S OUR ABILITY

TO USE LANGUAGE THAT MAKES US

THE DOMINANT SPECIES ON THE

PLANET.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WHAT

SETS US APART FROM OTHER ANIMALS

IS THAT WE AREN'T AFRAID OF

VACUUM CLEANERS.

[LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAPTION MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

Loading...