Wednesday, June 25, 2014

  • 06/25/2014

"Sullivan & Son" stars Steve Byrne, Owen Benjamin and Roy Wood Jr. find out about a pricey new app, #MakeARapperSoft and write taglines for horrifying pieces of taxidermy.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

EARLIER THIS WEEK, THETWITTER-VERSE WENT CRAZY WHEN

URUGUAY PLAYER, LUIS SUAREZ,WENT FULL TYSON ON AN ITALIAN

PLAYER DURING THEIR WORLD CUPGAME.

I'M HALF ITALIAN. IT'S FUN TOBITE US.

WE TASTE LIKE MARINARA SAUCE.WE'RE DELICIOUS.

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME HE'S BITAN OPPOSING PLAYER.

TAKE A LOOK.

ONE, ONE URUGUAYAN BITES.

TWO, TWO URUGUAYAN BITES.

THREE, THREE URUGUAYAN BITES.AH-HA HA HA HA.

I CAN ONLY COUNT TO THREE. IDON'T KNOW WHAT COMES AFTER THAT

CORRUPT EURO-TRASHBALL KABALFIFA HAS OPENED DISCIPLINARY

HEARINGS AGAINST SAUREZ.

HE IS BEING CHARGED WITH THECRIME OF MAKING SOCCER

INTERESTING.

WHICH OF THESE LUIS SUAREZPHOTOSHOPS GOT THE MOST FAVORITE

ON TWITTER.

A, VAMPIRE SUAREZ?

B, DOG CONE SUAREZ?

THIS EXPLANATION OF HOW SUAREZVIEWS HIS OPPONENTS.

NOW, YOU CAN SEE HERE THETENDEREST MEAT IS RIGHT HERE,

AND WHEN URUGAY PLAYS ISRAEL,THE BRISKET'S RIGHT ACROSS

SO WHICH ONE OF OF THOSE GOT THEMOST FAVORITES.

STEVE BYRNE.

>> I'M GOING TO GO B., THE DOGCONE.

I DID SOME RESEARCH ON THISGUY. THE CRAZY THING, HE BITES

ON THE FIELD, IN BED, HE JUSTLIKES TO CUDDLE.

>> YEAH, JUST A CUDDLER.

>> HE'S EMOTIONAL.

>> IT JUST DEPENDS WHERE THEBALL ARE, IF THEY'RE ON THE

FIELD, BITING.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS B. FOR 100POINTS.

NO ONE HAS DONE A FULL TIGERWOODS RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE LIKE

THAT, JUST RIGHT OUT OF THE -->> YOU'RE INTENSE.

HELLO WORLD.

I FEEL LIKE THIS CONE WOULDPROTECT HIM FROM BITING HIMSELF

BUT DOES IT REALLY PROTECT HIMFROM BITING OTHER PEOPLE.

>> THE WEIRD THING IS FOR THREEWEEKS IN THE EIGHTH DPRAID I HAD

TO PUT ONE ON MY RIGHT HAND.>> OH SURE. WE'LL THAT'S --

>>YOU COULD STILL JUST GO LIKETHAT.

>> YOU ALSO HAVE ANOTHER HAND.

>> YOU CHEAT ON YOURSELF!

THAT IS CRAZY.

GEEKOLOGY IS REPORTING THAT THENEW APP CALLED FIRSTDERM HAS

JUST BEEN MADE AVAILABLE, AND ITCOSTS IT COSTS 40 BUCKS

EVERYTIME YOU USE IT. COMEDIANS,WHAT COULD THIS APP POSSIBLY DO

THAT'S WORTH 40 DOLLARS?

A, ANONYMOUSLY SEND A DICK PICTO YOUR DOCTOR FOR STD ANALYSIS.

B, DIRECT CONTACT DERMOTMULRONEY, AND ONE LUCKY USER

GETS TO GO ON A DATE WITH HIM.

C, UPLOAD PHOTOS OF STRANGERSAND SEE IN APPROXIMATION WHAT

THEY WOULD LOOK LIKE NAKED.

OWEN BENJAMIN.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY A,ANONYMOUSLY SEND A DICK PIC TO

YOUR DOCTOR BECAUSE WEBMD KEEPSSAYING IT'S AIDS.

>> IT'S ONE OR THE OTHER.

IT'S EITHER AIDS OR CANCER.

LET'S FIND OUT, THE CORRECTANSWER IS A.

ACCORDING TO THE ARTICLE, YOUSEND TWO PHOTOS OF YOUR

TROUBLESOME PECKER WITH A TEXT.SOMETHING FUN LIKE, IF YOU THINK

THIS LOOKS BAD, YOU SHOULD SEETHE OTHER GUY.

THE DOCTOR GETS BACK TO YOUWITHIN 48 HOURS WITH A

DIAGNOSEIS AND PROBABLY HOW DIDYOU GET THIS NUMBER?

COMEDIANS, FOR BONUS POINT,PLEASE WRITE ME THE TEXT THAT

WOULD GO ALONG WITH YOUR RASHYDICK PIC.

OWEN.

>> MINE WOULD JUST SAY, "DOC, ISMY DICK SUPPOSED TO BE THIS

BIG?">> POINTS ROY WOOD JR.

>> MY TEXT WOULD SAY, "HEY,DUDE, IT'S ME.

AGAIN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

#HASHTAGWARS.

( APPLAUSE )WELL, JAYZ STARTS HIS TOUR

TODAY WITH HIS WIFE, BEY ONCE.

BECAUSE NOTHING IS MORE HARDCORETHAN RIDING AROUND ON A BUS AND

PLAYING SHOWS WITH YOUR FAMILY.

SO IN HONOR OF JAY AND BEY'STOUR, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#MAKEARAPPERSOFT.

#MAKEARAPPERSOFT.

SO EXAMPLES WOULD BE:LIL WAYNE BRADY, OR

50 SCENT OF A WOMAN, OR

WILL I AM SONOMA.

I'M GOING TO PUT 50 SEONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

STEVE BYRNE.

>> BUSTER NURSERY RHYMES.

>> YES, BUSTA NURSERY RHYMES,POINTS. ROY WOOD JR.

>> TWO LIVE DINNER CRUISE

>> YES, POINTS. UH-HUH, OWEN.

SNOOP DOGGY DAYCARE. >> YES, POINTS.

OWEN AGAIN.

OWEN IS DOMINATING THE BUZZER.

>> B.M.X..

>> YES, POINTS. (BLEEP)

GODDAMN IT!

OWEN IS SHUTTING EVERYONE OUT.

>> PHARELISH.

>> YES, POINTS.

STEVE BYRNE, YOU'RE IN.

>> 50 SENSITIVE.

>> YES, POINTS. EXCELLENT.

>> KID CUDDLE.

>> YES, KID CUDDLE. POINTS. ROYWOOD JR.

>> U.T.I.

THAT EXPLANATION EVERYTHING.

STEVE BYRNE.

>> BONES HUGS AND HARMONY.

>> YES, GOOD POINTS. EXCELLENT.ROY WOOD JR.

>> SOLJA BOYS AND GIRLS CLUB OFAMERICA

>> YES, VERY NICE. SOFTER, BUTVERY NICE.

TAXIDERPY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )PEOPLE SELL SOME BIZARRE STUFF

IN WEIRD CORNERS OF THEINTERNET, BUT NOTHING IS MORE

NIGHTMARE-INDUCING THAN CREEPYTAXIDERMY.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TOWRITE A LISTING TO HELP SELL

EACH OF THESE TAXIDERMIED ITEMSWE FOUND

THANKS TO THE TWITTER ACCOUNT OFCRAP TAXIDERMY.

YOU SHOULD FOLLOW HIMIMMEDIATELY.

BY THE WAY, WHEN YOU LOOK AT ALLTHESE IT'S KIND OF FUN TO

IMAGINE THIS IS HOW ALL THESEANIMALS DIED. ALL RIGHT.

FIRST ONE. THIS CIGARETTESMOKING MONKEY.

YOU KNOW IT WAS GOING TO GET HIMSOONER OR LATER.

ROY.

>> FOR SALE-- CHAIR, MIGHT HAVEA MONKEY ( BLEEP ) IN IT.

>> YEAH, SURE.

POINT.

>> AS SEEN ON GRINDR.

( APPLAUSE )>> POINTS.

NEXT ONE: HOW ABOUT THISAMPHIBIOUS LEMON PARTY?

NEXT ONE: HOW ABOUT THISAMPHIBIOUS LEMON PARTY?

THIS ONE SEEMS TO HAVE A FROG INITS THROAT.

COME ON!

IT'S SO DUMB.

>> I MEAN, HE'S INTO IT. LOOK ATHIS HEAD.

>> ANYONE WHO LOOKS AT THATPICTURE YOU'RE GOING TO

ASSOCIATE WITH ONE OF THE THREEFROGS.

LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO-- IT'SVERY ASPIRATIONAL. OWEN.

>> I'M THE FROG THAT TOOK THEPICTURE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THERE WAS FOUR FROG!

>> NO, I THINK THE FROG WHO TOOKTHE PICTURE IS GOING, YEAH, GUYS

OVER THERE, PIGGY, CAN YOUJUST PUT YOUR TITS IN THERE FOR

A MINUTE. OWEN?

>> BEFORE THE PRINCESS CAME, HEHAD A COUPLE THREE-WAYS.

>> POINTS.

ROY, GO AHEAD.

>> SEE NO EVIL?

FEEL NO EVIL.

TASTE NO EVIL.

>> ALL RIGHT, GOOD, YES POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THIS LITTLE MOUSEBUSTER.

LOOK AT THIS LITTLE MOUSEBUSTER.

ROY.

>> THOROUGHLY UNDIGNIFIEDTRIBUTE TO HAROLD RAMOS.

( APPLAUSE )HOW DARE YOU!

>> STEVE BYRNE.

>> PROVIDES LITERALLY SECONDS OFAMUSEMENT FOR YOUR CAT.

>> POINTS.

COMBINED GIFS.

COMBINED GIFS.

( APPLAUSE )WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU TAKE

TWO MEDIOCRE GIFS AND SHOVE THEMTOGETHER?

IN THE CASE OF THE SUB-REDDITrCOMBINED GIFS, YOU GET ONE

HILARIOUS MEGA GIF.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO SHOWYOU THE FIRST PART OF A GIF AND

GIVE YOU TWO POSSIBLE OUTCOMES.

YOU TELL ME WHICH IS CORRECT.

FIRST UP.

WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT SKINYOU SCRAPE UP OFF YOUR FOOT?

>> OH!

DOES THE DEAD SKIN BECOME THESNOW GLOBE IN CITIZEN KANE?

ORIS IT USED AS PARMESAN CHEESE ON

PASTA?

WHICH ONE OF THOSE?

OWEN.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY THE SNOW INTHE SNOW GLOBE IN CITIZEN KANE.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH!

>> DELICIOUS!

FINALLY, WE HAVE THIS CURIOUSANIMAL JUMPING INTO A HOMEMADE

SLINGSHOT.

>> YES! YES! BRILLIANT.

>> LET'S START WITH THE FACT YOUDON'T REALLY NEED TO SEE ANY

MORE THAN THAT.

DOES IT FLY TO A DINNER TABLEWHERE IT APPEARS TO BE

AGGRESSIVELY EATEN BY A HUNGRYDINER OR BECOME THE FATAL BULLET

IN DALLAS ON NOV 22, 1963?

IS IT A SQUIREL-SPIRACY?

STEVE.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY IT'S FRAME238 FROM THE ZAPRUDER FILM.

IT WAIM A FATAL BULLET IN DALLASON NOVEMBER 22, 1963.

>> LET'S FIND OUT. LET'S FINDOUT.

THE LEGEND OF OL' FLATHEAD.

THE LEGEND OF OL' FLATHEAD.

WE DID A GAME PRETTY SIMILAR TOTHIS LAST MONTH. WE BROUGHT YOU

ONE OF THE GREATEST OBITUARIESOF ALL TIME ABOUT A IETNAM VET

AND DOUBLE HOMICIDE EX-ONOREE,PERVERT DAVE.

WELL, HERE'S ANOTHER FANTASTICOBITUARY.

TOTALFRATMOVE.COM CALLED OURATTENTION TO AN OBITUARY ABOUT

THE DEATH OF DENVER RESIDENTMIKE "FLATHEAD" BLANCHARD.

IT READS: "WEARY OF READINGOBITUARIES NOTING SOMEONE'S

COURAGEOUS BATTLE WITH DEATH,MIKE WANTED IT KNOWN THAT HE

DIED AS A RESULT OF BEINGSTUBBORN, REFUSING TO FOLLOW

DOCTORS' ORDERS, AND RAISINGHELL FOR MORE THAN SIX DECADES.

HE ENJOYED BOOZE, GUNS, CARS ANDYOUNGER WOMEN TILL THE DAY HE

DIED. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HE ASKS THAT YOU STOP BY ANDRE-TELL STORIES HE CAN NO LONGER

TELL.

SO COMEDIANS, YOU HEARD OLDFLATHEAD.

TELL US THE OPENING LINE OF ASTORY HE CAN NO LONGER TELL.

BUT LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES, OWEN.

>> REMEMBER THAT TIME WHENFLATHEAD CALLED THE DOCTOR

BECAUSE I HAD ERECTION LASTEDLESS THAN FOUR HOURS?

>> OKAY, POINTS.

STEVE.

>> FLATHEAD'S CLAIM TO FAME ISHE MASTURBATED TO EVERY MONTH OF

EVERY HOOTER'S CALENDAR SINCE2005.

>> OK POINTS. ROY WOOD JR.

>> IT WAS A HOOT OLD FLATHODWATCHING THEM LOB STICKS OF

DYNAMITE AT THE TRICK ORTREATERS.

>> THAT'S WHAT FLATHEAD WOULDDO! THAT'S SO FLATHEAD. POINTS,

ROY WOOD JR. >> OWEN.

>> REMEMBER WHEN FLATHEAD SHOTTHAT MAN IN RENO TO WATCH HIM

DIE AND IT REALLY MESSED HIM UPA LOT.

>> POINTS.

WONDERFUL.

YES, STEVE.

>> OLD FLATHEAD IS SURVIVED BYHIS WIFE, FLAPPY LABIA, HIS

DAUGHTER WEIRD BIRTH MARK ANDHIS SON DUMB AS (BLEEP).

>> YEAH GOOD. POINTS. OWEN.

>> REMEMBER WHEN FLATHEAD TOOK ABULLET FOR KENNEDY?

NO, OTHER KENNEDY, JAMIEKENNEDY.

>> OWEN.

>> FLATHEAD WAS IN ONE DIRECTIONUNTIL THEY FIRED HIM AND HIRED

THOSE FIVE ATTRACTIVE MUSICIANS.>> POINTS.

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