Tuesday, April 29, 2014

  • 04/29/2014

Jason Sklar, Randy Sklar and Kyle Kinane guess which Chris Hardwick meme is real, list #WorseStarWars references and check out Juggalo dating profiles.

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, TOUGH DAY FOR CAREER

RACIST DONALD STERLING.

(LAUGHTER)

WHO ALSO DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW

WHERE HIS EYES LIVE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> HE IS READY IN CASE IT GETS

SUPER BRIGHT IN THERE.

HE WANTS IT WHITE ALL AROUND HIM

ALL THE TIME.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: HEY...

(APPLAUSE)

>> TRUTH HURTS.

>> Chris: THE SLEAZY CLIPPERS

OWNER FOUND OUT THAT "NBA"

STANDS FOR "NO BIGOT

ASSOCIATION" AS NBA COMMISSIONER

ADAM SILVER SMACKED DOWN A

LIFETIME BAN ON HIS ASS,

BASICALLY SAYING, "BOOM SON,

YOU BANNED!"

(APPLAUSE)

THE INTERNET REJOICED AND WAS

QUICK TO HOIST SILVER UP ON ITS

MEME SHOULDERS.

WHICH OF THESE ADAM SILVER

BADASS MEMES GOT THE MOST LOVE

ON TWITTER?

A. FAKING NO FUNK ON THIS NASTY

DUNK.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH IS NOT FAIR: STERLING'S

DISTRACTED BY THE FACT THAT

SOMEONE BROUGHT A BLACK GUY.

(LAUGHTER)

B. GOING ALL "FINISH HIM!" IN

MORTAL KOMBAT.

BAM!

C. ADAM SILVER, STRIKING

RESEMBLANCE TO THE WARLOCK

OF QARTH.

(APPLAUSE)

JASON SKLAR.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY A.

>> Chris: OKAY, LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS...

A!

100 POINTS FOR JASON SKLAR.

GUYS, WE LIVE IN LATE NIGHT

TELEVISION.

THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS SHAKING

DOWN IN LATE NIGHT TELEVISION.

CRAIG FERGUSON HAS NOW ANNOUNCED

THAT HE IS LEAVING THE LATE LATE

SHOW, AND I'M VERY SAD TO SEE

THIS.

CRAIG FERGUSON, HE'S LOVELY,

I WILL MISS CRAIG, I WILL MISS

GEOFF PETERSON, I WILL MISS

SECRETARIAT.

WE LOVE YOU, CRAIG.

OF COURSE, LETTERMAN'S RETIRING

AND COMEDY CENTRAL'S OWN STEPHEN

COLBERT, IF YOU HAVE EVER HEARD

OF HIM, HAS LEFT FOR WHAT WE CAN

ONLY CALL 11:30IER PASTURES.

SO JAY LENO OBVIOUSLY IS POISED

TO TAKE OVER FOR ALL THREE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> HE'S COMING BACK.

>> Chris: THERE'S EVEN BEEN SOME

SPECULATION ONLINE THAT OUR

LITTLE SHOW MIGHT MOVE TO 11:30,

BUT THAT IS NOTHING MORE THAN

SPECULATION AT THIS POINT.

>> THAT'S A DIFFERENT SHOW.

>> Chris: I WOULD JUST STILL

CALL THE SHOW @MIDNIGHT.

WE ANNOUNCE THE WINNER

@MIDNIGHT, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

BUT WE DON'T KNOW.

(APPLAUSE)

>> I THINK YOU GUYS ARE ON

AT 11:30 MOUNTAIN TIME.

>> Chris: YOU NEVER KNOW,

MOUNTAIN TIME'S A TRICKY ONE.

>> @WHENEVER I WATCH MY DVR.

>> Chris: YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S @DVR:30.

PEOPLE SAY A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT

ME ON THE INTERNET, OCCASIONALLY

THOSE ARE NICE THINGS, BUT WHICH

OF THE FOLLOWING-- AND I'M OKAY

WITH IT, I UNDERSTAND THE

INTERNET-- WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING IS AN ACTUAL THING

ABOUT ME ONLINE?

A... AND THIS IS ME AS A COMIC,

I MANAGED TO MAKE IT ABOUT

MYSELF.

A. AN INSTAGRAM HASHTAG

#LESBIANSTHATLOOKLIKECHRIS

HARDWICK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> GOOD-LOOKING LESBIANS, THAT'S

ALL, GOOD-LOOKING LESBIANS.

>> Chris: I'M JUST LIVING LIFE

OUT LOUD, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

B. A TUMBLR DEDICATED TO

UNFLATTERING PICTURES OF ME.

OR C. A MASHUP OF @MIDNIGHT AND

PORN WHERE I YELL "POINTS!"

EVERY TIME THERE'S A MONEY SHOT.

(APPLAUSE)

YES, RANDY.

>> I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE C.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

IN FACT B, A TUMBLR DEDICATED

TO UNFLATTERING PICTURES OF ME,

WHICH IS FINE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF

THESE.

I MEAN, THESE ARE JUST FROZEN...

THESE ARE NOT BAD PICTURES

OF ME.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE REALLY BAD

PICTURES OF ME, YOU HAVE TO GO

BACK TO 2003 CHRIS HARDWICK

BEFORE HE QUIT DRINKING TO SEE

WHAT I CALL PETER HARDWICK,

MY FAT, DRUNK BROTHER!

(APPLAUSE)

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> THAT'S ACTUALLY...

>> THAT'S NOT A LESBIAN THAT

LOOKS LIKE CHRIS HARDWICK?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SERIOUSLY, THERE'S

LIKE A CHRIS HARDWICK IN THERE

SOMEWHERE, BASICALLY IN A NUTTY

PROFESSOR FAT SUIT.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE CAPTION

THIS PHOTO OF ME.

PLEASE CAPTION THIS PHOTO OF ME,

RANDY SKLAR.

>> IT IS NICE TO SEE THAT

K.D. LANG GOT SOME HIGHLIGHTS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: NICE, POINTS.

JASON.

>> I HAVE TWO MINUTES TO LIVE

UNLESS I QUIT DRINKING.

>> Chris: POINTS!

THAT MAY HAVE BEEN TRUE.

KYLE KINANE.

>> IT'S A HOBBIT FROM

"LORD OF THE ONION RINGS."

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

#HASHTAGWARS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF YOU REMEMBER, EARLIER

IN THE PROGRAM, I TOLD YOU

THE NEW "STAR WARS" CAST

WAS ANNOUNCED, AND BECAUSE THE

INTERNET, THERE WERE NEGATIVE

REACTIONS BECAUSE ALWAYS.

I AM PERSONALLY VERY EXCITED

BECAUSE THERE COULD BE A LOT

WORSE THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN

TO THE "STAR WARS" FRANCHISE,

AND I WOULD LIKE YOU GUYS TO

COME UP WITH SOME.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#WORSESTARWARS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "DARTH MAUL

COP" OR "DANCING WITH THE DEATH

STARS" OR "TATOOINE AND A HALF

MEN."

SO ANYTHING IN THE "STAR WARS"

UNIVERSE, CHARACTERS, NAMES OF

THINGS, ANYTHING IN THE "STAR

WARS" UNIVERSE, #WORSESTARWARS.

60 SECONDS AND GO.

RANDY.

>> KEEPING UP WITH THE

CALRISSIANS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JASON.

>> HAN SOLO FLEX.

IT JUST BECOMES AN INFOMERCIAL

FOR AN HOUR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> KATHIE LEE AND YODA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: RANDY.

>> QUI-GON JINN AND JUICE.

I GOT MY MIND...

>> Chris: LOVE IT.

>> READY?

I GOT MY MIND ON MY WOOKIE

AND MY WOOKIE ON MY MIND.

>> Chris: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

KYLE.

>> SKLAR WARS, IT'S "STAR WARS"

BUT WITH THESE GUYS!

I BEAT THEM TO IT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

RANDY.

>> JAY-EWOKING,

WHERE JAY LENO...

(LAUGHTER)

...APPROACHES AN EWOK ON

THE STREET AND TRIES TO MAKE HIM

LOOK STUPID BY ASKING HIM DUMB

QUESTIONS.

>> Chris: KYLE.

>> FLESHLIGHT SABERS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, MY GOD, THAT'S THE

BEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF

IN MY LIFE!

WHY IS THAT NOT A THING?

WHY IS THAT NOT A THING?

POINTS!

OH, MY GOD.

FAMILY BUZZ FEUD!

(CHEERING)

INTRODUCING THE SKLAR FAMILY:

RANDY, JASON AND THEIR OBVIOUSLY

ADOPTED COUSIN KYLE.

ON YOUR MARK, LET'S START

THE FAMILY BUZZ FEUD!

(CHEERING)

>> LET'S GO, KYLE, COME ON!

>> Chris: WELCOME!

MUAH!

WELCOME!

MUAH!

WELCOME!

MUAH!

(CHEERING)

>> GREAT KISS, GREAT KISS.

THAT'S A REALLY GREAT KISS.

>> I FEEL LIKE MY MOUTH JUST GOT

VIOLATED BY A MUPPET.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WE'RE LIKE A BAD VERSION

OF ZZ TOP.

WE'RE LIKE ZZ BOTTOM.

>> Chris: ZZ BOTTOM, YES.

(LAUGHTER)

I HAVE TO GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR ZZ BOTTOM.

I GOTTA.

OKAY, BACK TO THE GAME.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU

THE NAME OF A RECENT BUZZFEED

LIST AND THEN YOU BUZZ IN WITH

YOUR TOP ANSWER.

IF IT'S FUNNIER THAN BUZZFEED'S

TOP ANSWER, THEN YOU GET POINTS.

LET US BEGIN.

"26 TIMES YOU WISH YOU COULD

TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF BUT CAN'T."

YES, RANDY.

>> AT MY NEPHEW'S CIRCUMCISION,

AND THAT WAS JUST TO SHOW

SOLIDARITY.

>> Chris: SHOW ME CIRCUMCISION!

"WHEN PEOPLE WHO DON'T

REGULARLY SEE YOU NAKED ARE AT

YOUR HOUSE."

POINTS TO RANDY SKLAR FOR HAVING

A BETTER ANSWER.

>> GOOD ANSWER.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

"13 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW

ABOUT LUST."

JASON.

>> WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE

AT YOUR NIECE'S QUINCEANERA.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> YOU GUYS GOT PROBLEMS WITH

FAMILY PARTIES.

>> YES.

>> TWINS ARE CREEPY!

(LAUGHTER)

>> YOU'RE IN OUR FAMILY NOW

SO GET USED TO IT.

>> I'M A COUSIN.

>> Chris: SHOW ME QUINCEANERA!

"YOUR BRAIN CAN'T STOP GOING

'AWOOGA!'"

POINTS TO JASON SKLAR, POINTS

TO JASON SKLAR.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, "23 WORDS

THAT HAVE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT

MEANING IN FLORIDA."

YES, RANDY SKLAR.

>> CHUCK E. CHEESE.

FOR THE REST OF THE COUNTRY,

IT'S A PLACE TO HAVE YOUR

CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

IN FLORIDA, IT IS AN UNDERGROUND

FIGHT CLUB.

>> Chris: YES.

I DID KNOW THAT.

SHOW ME CHUCK E. CHEESE!

"WINTER."

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY "SIBLING."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THANK YOU ALL FOR

(CHEERING)

>> FANS OF THE I.C.P. OR INSANE

CLOWN POSSE LOVE TO PAINT THEIR

FACES AND TALK ABOUT MURDER, BUT

THEY ALSO HAVE A SOFTER SIDE.

THEY NEED LOVE, AS YOU CAN SEE

FROM SEARCHING OKCUPID FOR

"JUGGALO."

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU A

JUGGALO AND YOU HAVE TO TELL US

WHICH IS THE ACTUAL QUOTE FROM

THEIR OKCUPID PROFILE.

ONE OF THEM IS REAL.

FIRST ONE: "I'M REALLY GOOD AT

GETTING HOT CHICKS TO HAVE MY

ABORTION," OR "WHO NEEDS WEED

WHEN YOU'VE GOT LOVE?

...WOULD STILL LIKE SOME WEED

THOUGH."

RANDY.

>> I REALLY THINK BOTH OF THEM

COULD FIT, BUT I THINK IT'S

NUMBER TWO, "WHO NEEDS WEED WHEN

YOU'VE GOT LOVE?

WOULD REALLY LIKE SOME WEED,

THOUGH."

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

"I'M REALLY GOOD AT GETTING HOT

CHICKS TO HAVE MY ABORTION."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

LAST ONE.

"GIRL, YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT

WHEN MY GOATEE TICKLES YOUR

DOWNSTAIRS CLOWN NOSE."

(CHEERING)

OR "I LOVE GOING (BLEEP) ON

GIRLS.

WATCHING A WOMAN SQUIRM IS A

HUGE TURN ON FOR ME."

NOW BEFORE YOU ANSWER, I HAVE

NEVER HEARD THE CLITORIS

REFERRED TO AS THE "DOWNSTAIRS

CLOWN NOSE."

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S FROM MINIATURE GOLF.

>> Chris: THE MAIN DIFFERENCE

BEING THAT CLOWN NOSES ARE

VERY EASY TO SPOT.

(LAUGHTER)

SO I FEEL LIKE THAT IS

GEOGRAPHICALLY INACCURATE.

>> YES.

>> Chris: YES, JAY.

>> I WONDER IF IT HONKS WHEN HE

SQUEEZES IT.

>> Chris: THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW

WHEN YOU FOUND IT.

>> YOU GOT IT!

>> Chris: IS THIS IT?

I FOUND IT!

>> THE FLOWER SQUIRTS WHEN

YOU'RE DONE.

(CHEERING)

OH, MAN.

I LOST ALREADY.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: JASON.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY "GIRL,

YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT WHEN MY

GOATEE TICKLES YOUR DOWNSTAIRS

CLOWN NOSE."

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

CLICKBAIT.

(CHEERING)

WEBSITES LIKE HUFFINGTON POST

USE HYPERBOLE TO GET YOU TO

CLICK ON THEIR ARTICLES AND SELL

AD SPACE.

I TOTALLY GET IT.

BUT THEN YOU READ THE ARTICLE,

AND I TOTALLY DIDN'T BELIEVE

HOW SHORT MILEY CYRUS'S SHORTS

WERE.

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO GIVE ME AS MANY ENTICING OR

DISTURBING CLICKBAIT HEADLINES

AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

JASON.

>> FIND OUT HOW NICKI MINAJ'S

BUTT SAVED CHRISTMAS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IN "THE BUTTCRACKER."

>> IN "THE BUTTCRACKER."

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, RANDY.

>> FAT SMOKING THAI BABY

GETS DIVORCED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> WORST UFC ACCIDENTAL

BUTT SNIFFS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

JAY.

>> DONALD STERLING REVIEWS

"DJANGO UNCHAINED."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, JAY.

RANDY.

>> WATCH THIS FAMILY OF FOUR

FALL INTO THIS SINKHOLE.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NO POINTS ON THAT.

CROWD'S NOT BEHIND YOU.

>> YOU WOULDN'T WATCH THAT?

>> Chris: KYLE.

>> FIND OUT WHICH COLOR M&M

CURES ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO KYLE.

JAY.

>> DONALD TRUMP DISCOVERS WAY

TO HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH SELF.

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

YES, RANDY.

>> THE GOAT THAT ATE HITLER'S

TESTICLES IS AT IT AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

JASON.

>> YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT

STAR JONES DID WITH HER BACK

FAT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT!

>> Chris: THAT BRINGS US TO

IS LIKE WALMART, BUT FOR

FETISHISTS.

SO I'M GOING TO READ ONE OF OUR

FAVORITE POSTS.

PLEASE WELCOME THE STAR OF ABC'S

AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

YOU CAN CATCH HIS NEW FILM

"TRUST ME" AVAILABLE ON VIDEO

ON DEMAND MAY 6 AND IN

THEATERS JUNE 6.

CLARK GREGG!

(CHEERING)

WELCOME, NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> NICE TO BE HERE.

THANK YOU, CHRIS.

THIS POST IS TITLED "$20 TO SIT

IN MY BATHTUB FULL OF NOODLES

WHILE YOU WEAR A SWIMMING SUIT."

>> Chris: OH, SURE.

>> "I WILL NOT BE HOME NOR WILL

ANYONE ELSE WHILE YOU DO THIS."

>> Chris: THAT SEEMS SAFE.

>> THAT'S COMFORTING.

BECAUSE FOR A MINUTE,

IT SEEMED CREEPY.

>> Chris: AS LONG AS I'M

IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR HOME

AND YOU'RE NOT THERE.

>> IT'S OKAY.

"I WILL LEAVE THE KEY FOR YOU

AND YOU WILL SIT AT YOUR

LEISURE.

THE NOODLES WILL BE COOKED,

AND THEREFORE SLIPPERY.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

BRING ANY SAUCE."

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> "I WILL SEASON THE PASTA

AFTER I RETURN HOME PRIOR TO

DINNER."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

IF HE'S GOING TO SEASON THE

PASTA, WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN

DOING THERE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NOW, HOW WILL I SUBMIT

MYSELF TO TAKE PART IN THESE

JIZZ NOODLES?

>> GOOD QUESTION.

(LAUGHTER)

>> "USE THE SUBJECT LINE 'TUB OF

NOODLES' OR YOUR EMAIL WILL BE

IGNORED."

>> Chris: VERY IMPORTANT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, CLARK GREGG.

(CHEERING)

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