Tuesday, April 29, 2014

  • 04/29/2014

Jason Sklar, Randy Sklar and Kyle Kinane guess which Chris Hardwick meme is real, list #WorseStarWars references and check out Juggalo dating profiles.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPIDREFRESH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NOW, TOUGH DAY FOR

CAREER RACIST DONALD STERLING.

WHO ALSO DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOWWHERE HIS EYES LIVE.

>> HE IS READY IN CASE IT GETSSUPER BRIGHT IN THERE.

ONCE, WANTS WHITE PEOPLE AROUNDHIM ALL THE TIME.

>> Chris: HEY --[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: THE SLEAZY CLIPPERSOWNER FOUND OUT NBA STANDS FOR

NO BIGOT ASSOCIATION AS NBACOMMISSIONER ADAM SILVER SMACKED

DOWN A LIFETIME BAN ON HIS ASS,SAYING BASICALLY, BOOM, SON, YOU

BANNED!

>> THE INTERNET REJOICED AND WASQUICK TO HOIST SILVER UP ON ITS

MEME SHOULDERS, WHICH OF THESEADAM SILVER EQUAL BAD ASS MEMES

GOT THE MOST LOVE ON TWITTER.

>> A, FAKING NO FUNK ON THISNASTY DUNK.

WHICH IS NOT FAIR, STERLINGDISTRACTED BE AT THIS FACT

SOMEONE BROUGHT A BLACK GUYTHERE.

>> B, GOING ALL "FINISH HIM!" INMORE THAT WILL COMBAT.

BAM.

>> C, STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TOTHE WARLOCK OF QARTH.

>> JASON SKLAR.

>> I WILL SAY A.

>> Chris: OKAY.

LET'S FIND OUT THE CORRECTANSWER WAS.

A! POINTS FOR JASON SKLAR.

THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGSSHAKING DOWN IN

LATE NIGHT TELEVISION.

CRAIG FERGUSON ANNOUNCED HE ISLEAVING THE LATE LATE SHOW.

AND I'LL MISS HIM, I WILL MISSJEFF PETERSON, I WILL MISS THEM

ALL.

WE LOVE YOU, CRAIG. OF COURSE,COMEDY CENTRAL'S OWN STEPH-IN

COLBERT, IF YOU HAVE EVER HEARDOF HIM, WHAT WE CAN ONLY CALL

11:30IER PASTURES, SO JAY LENOIS POISED TO TAKE OVER FOR ALL

THREE.

>> HE'S COMING BACK.

THERE HAS BEEN SOME SPECULATIONONLINE THAT OUR

LITTLE SHOW MIGHT MOVE TO 11:30.

BUT THAT IS NOTHING MORE THANSPECULATION.

I WOULD STILL CALL THE SHOW@MIDNIGHT.

WE ANNOUNCE THE WINNER@MIDNIGHT.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

>> I THINK YOU GUYS ARE ON AT11:30 MOUNTAIN TIME.

>> MOUNTAIN TIME IS TRICKY.>> @WHENEVER I WATCH MY DVR.

>> Chris: YES.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S @DVR:30.

PEOPLE SAY A LOT OF THINGS ABOUTME ON THE INTERNET, OCCASIONALLY

THEY'RE NICE. BUT WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING, I AM OKAY WITH IT,

I UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET, WHICHOF THE FOLLOWING IS AN ACTUAL

THING ABOUT ME ONLINE, A, ANDTHIS IS ME AS A COMIC, I MANAGED

TO MAKE IT ABOUT MYSELF.

A, AN INSTAGRAM HASHTAG,LESBIANS THAT LOOK LIKE CHRIS

HARDWICK.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]SURE, GOOD-LOOKING LESBIANS.

I AM JUST LIVING LIFE OUT LOUD,WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

>> B, A TUMBLR DEDICATED TOUNFLATTERING PICTURES OF ME.

OR, C, A MASHUP OF @MIDNIGHT PORN WHERE I YELL POINTS EVERY

TIME THERE'S A MONEYSHOT?

[ APPLAUSE ]>> I THINK IT IS GOING TO BE C.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER,IN FACT,B, A TUMBLR DEDICATED TO

UNFLATTERING PICTURES OF ME.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

THESE ARE JUST FROZEN.

YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO 2003CHRIS HARDWICK BEFORE HE STOPPED

DRINKING TO SEE WHAT I CALLPETER HARDWICK, MY FAT DRUNK

BROTHER.

>> THAT IS ACTUALLY --

>> THAT'S NOT A LESBIAN THATLOOKS LIKE CHRIS HARDWICK?

THERE IS LIKE A CHRIS HARDWICKIN THERE SOMEWHERE.

BASICALLY IN A NUTTY PROFESSORFAT SUIT.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE CAPTIONTHIS PHOTO OF ME.

PLEASE CAPTION THIS PHOTO OF ME,RANDY SKLAR.

>> IT IS NICE TO SEE KD LANGEGOT SOME HIGHLIGHTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> JASON.

>> I HAVE TWO MINUTES TO LIVEUNLESS I QUIT DRINKING.

>> Chris: POINTS! THAT MAY HAVEBEEN TRUE.

>> IT IS THE HOBBIT FROM LORD OFTHE ONION RINGS.

HASHTAG WARS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: REMEMBER, EARLIER IN

THE PROGRAM, I TOLD YOU OF A NEWSTAR WARS CAST WAS ANNOUNCED AND

BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET, THEREWERE NEGATIVE REACTIONS BECAUSE

ALWAYS. I AM VERY EXCITEDBECAUSE THERE COULD BE A LOT

WORSE THINGS THAT COULD HAPPENTO THE "STAR WARS" FRANCHISE AND

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME UP WITHWORSE "STAR WARS", EXAMPLES

MIGHT BE DARTH MALL COP, ORDANCING WITH THE DEATH STARS OR

TATTOOINE AND A HALF MEN.

SO ANYTHING IN THE "STAR WARS"UNIVERSE, CHARACTERS, NAMES OF

THINGS, ANYTHING WITH THE "STARWARS" UNIVERSE, 60-SECONDS AND

GO.

RANDY.

>> KEEPING UP WITH THECALRISIANS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> HAN SOLO FLEX.

JUST AN INFOMERCIAL.

>> KATHIE LEE AND YODA.

>> QUI-GON JINN AND JUICE.

>> Chris: LOVE IT.

>> I GOT MY MIND ON MY WOOKIEAND MY WOOKIE ON MY MIND.

>> Chris: SKLAR WARS, IT IS"STAR WARS" BUT WITH THESE GUYS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS.

>> JAY-EWOKING.

WHERE JAY LENO APPROACHES ANEWOK ON THE STREET AND TRIES TO

ACT STUPID BY ASKING HIM DUMBQUESTIONS.

>> FLESHLIGHT SABRE.

>> Chris: OH, MY GOD THAT ISTHE BEST THING I EVER HEARD OF

IN MY LIFE! WHY IS THAT NOT ATHING? WHY IS THAT NOT A THING?

AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY FAMILYBUZZ FEUD.

>> INTRODUCING THE SKLAR FAMILY,RANDY JASON AND THEIR OBVIOUSLY

ADOPTED COUSIN KYLE, LET'S STARTFAMILY BUZZ FEUD!

ADOPTED COUSIN KYLE, LET'S STARTFAMILY BUZZ FEUD!

>> THAT IS A REALLY GREAT KISS.

>> MY MOUTH JUST GOT VIOLATED BYA MUPPET

>> MORE LIKE A BAD VERSION OFZZ TOP.

>> ZZ BOTTOM.

>> Chris: ZZ BOTTOM, YES.

>> I HAVE TO GIVE YOU POINTS FORZZ BOTTOM.

THAT IS GOOD.

BACK TO THE GAME.

COMEDIANS I WILL GIVE YOU THENAME OF A RECENT BUZZFEED LIST

AND THEN YOU BUZZ IN WITH YOURTOP ANSWER.

IF IT'S FUNNIER THAN BUZZFEED'STOP ANSWER YOU GET POINTS.

LET US BEGIN: 26 TIMES YOU WISHYOU COULD TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF

BUT CAN'T.

YES, RANDY.

>> AT MY NEPHEW'S CIRCUMCISIONAND THAT WAS JUST TO SHOW

SOLIDARITY.

>> Chris: SHOW MECIRCUMCISION! WHEN PEOPLE WHO

DON'T WHEN PEOPLE WHO DON'TREGULARLY SEE YOU NAKED ARE AT

YOUR HOUSE.

POINTS.

GOOD ANSWER.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT. NEXT ONE.

13 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUTLUST.

JASON.

>> WILDLY INAPPROPRIATEAT YOUR NIECE'S QUINCEANERA.

>> YOU GUYS GOT PROBLEMS WITHFAMILY.

>> TWINS ARE CREEPY!

>> YOU'RE IN FAMILY NOW, SOGET USED TO IT.

I AM A COUSIN.

>> YOUR BRAIN CAN'T STOP GOINGAWOOGA.

>> POINTS TO JASON SKLAR, POINTSTO JASON SKLAR.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: NEXT 123 WORDS THATHAVE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT MEANING

IN FLORIDA.

YES, RANDY SKLAR.

>> CHUCK E. CHEESE.

FOR THE REST OF THE COUNTRYIT'S A

PLACE TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN'SBIRTHDAY PARTY, IN FLORIDA IT IS

AN UNDERGROUND FIGHT CLUB.

>> Chris: YES.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

SHOW ME CHUCK E. CHEESE!

>> WINTER!

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY SIBLING.

JUGGALOK CUPID.

>> FANS OF THE INSANE CLOWNPOSSE LOVE TO PAINT THEIR FACES

AND TALK ABOUT MURDER, BUT THEYALSO HAVE A SOFTER SIDE AS YOU

CAN SEE FROM SEARCHING OKAYCUPID FOR JUGGALO.

WE WILL SHOW YOU A JUGGALO ANDYOU HAVE TO TELL US WHICH IS THE

ACTUAL QUOTE FROM THEIR OKAYCUPID PROFILE.

>> I'M REALLY GOOD AT GETTINGHOT CHICKS TO HAVE MY ABORTION

OR WHO NEEDS WEED WHEN YOU'VEGOT LOVE.

WOULD STILL LIKE SOME WEED.

>> I THINK BOTH COULD FIT BUT ITHINK IT IS NUMBER TWO, WHO

NEEDS WEED WHEN YOU EVE GOTLOVE, BUT WE WOULD LIKE SOME

WEED THO.

>> I'M REALLY GOOD AT GETTINGHOT CHICKS TO HAVE MY ABORTION.

>> OH!

>> WHEN MY GOATEE TICKLES YOURNOSE, OR WATCHING WOMEN SQUIRM.

I'VE NEVER HEARD IT REFERRED TOAS THE DOWNSTAIRS CLOWN NOSE.

>> THAT IS FROM -->> THE MAIN DIFFERENCE BEING

THAT CLOWN NOSES ARE VERY EASYTO SPOT.

BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT ISGEOGRAPHICALLY INACCURATE.

>> YES.

JAY.

>> I WONDER IF IT HONKS WHEN HESQUEEZES IT.

>> BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU KNOWWHEN YOU FOUND IT.

>> YOU GOT IT!

>> I FOUND IT!

>> THE FLOWERS SQUIRTS WHENYOU'RE DONE.

>> Chris: OH, MAN.

>> I LOST ALREADY.

>> Chris: JASON.

>> I AM GOING TO TAKE GIRL,YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT WHEN MY

GOATEE TICKLES YOUR DOWNSTAIRSCLOWN NOSE.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

TIME FOR CLICK BAIT.

>> WEBSITES LIKE THE HUFFINGTONPOST USE HYPERBOLE TO GET YOU TO

CLICK ON THEIR ARTICLES AND SELLAD SPACE.

BUT THEY YOU READ THE ARTICLEAND I TOTALLY DID BELIEVE

HOW SHORT MILEY CYRUS'S THESHORTS WERE GO.

>> FIND OUT HOW NICKI MINAJ'SBUTT SAVED CHRISTMAS.

>> Chris: IN THE BUTTCRACKER,IN THE BUTTCRACKER.

POINTS. YES RANDY?

>> FAT SMOKING THAI BABY GETSWITH DIVORCED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KYLE.

WORST UFC ACCIDENTAL BUTTSNIFFS.

>> Chris: POINTS. JAY.

>> DONALD STERLING REVIEWSDJANGO UNCHAINED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RANDY.

>> WATCH THIS FAMILY OF FOURFALL INTO THIS SINKHOLE.

>> Chris: NO POINTS ON THAT.

>> FIND OUT WHICH COLOR M & MCURES ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KYLE.

JAY.

>> DONALD TRUMP DISCOVERS WAY TOHAVE INTERCOURSE WITH SELF.

>> Chris: I A WILL GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT.

YES, RANDY.

>> THE GOAT THAT ATE HITLER'STESTICLES IS AT IT AGAIN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JASON.

>> YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHATSTAR JONES DID WITH HER

BACK FAT. YOU ARE NOT GOING TOBELIEVE IT!

>> Chris: CRAIGSLIST IS

LIKE WAL-MART, BUT FORFETISHISTS.

>> SO READ ONE OF OUR FAVORITEPOSTS, PLEASE

WELCOME THE STAR OF ABC'S AGENTSOF SHIELD CLARK GREGG!

>> THANK YOU, CHRIS.

THIS POST IS TITLED $20 TO SITIN MY BATHTUB FULL OF NOODLES

WHILE YOU WEAR A SWIMMING SUIT.

>> Chris: WELL, SURE.

>> I WILL NOT BE HOME NOR WILLANYONE ELSE WHILE YOU DO THAT.

>> THAT IS COMFORTING.

JUST FOR A MINUTE IT SEEMEDCREEPY.

>> Chris: AS LONG AS I AM INTHE PRIVACY OF YOUR HOME AND

YOU'RE NOT THERE.

>> IT IS OKAY. I WILL LEAVE THEKEY FOR YOU AND YOU WILL SIT AT

YOUR LEISURE.

THE NOODLES WILL BE COOKED.

AND THEREFORE SLIPPERY.

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCESBRING ANY SAUCE.

>> I'LLSEASON THE PASTA AFTER IRETURN HOME PRIOR TO DINNER.

IF YOU ARE GOING TO SEASON THEPASTA, THEN WHAT HAVE I BEEN

DOING THERE?

>> Chris: NOW, HOW WILL I GETSOMEONE INTERESTED IN SITTING IN

THESE NOODLES?

>> GOOD QUESTION.

>> USED THE SUBJECT LINE "TUB OFNOODLES" OR YOUR E-MAIL WILL BE

IGNORED.

>> Chris: VERY IMPORTANT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, CLARK GREGG.

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