Tuesday, January 6, 2015

  • 01/06/2015

Tom Lennon, Paget Brewster and Paul F. Tompkins guess which reaction gif on Reddit was most popular, list #HollywoodBooks and come up with titles for strange kids' shows.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

OH HERE WE GO! PAUL'S TURNINGON THE BUZZER!

KID ROCK IS TRULY AN AMERICANTREASURE.

WITHOUT HIS MUSIC, OUR STRIPCLUBS WOULD BE SILENT AND THE

PHRASE "BAWITDABA" WOULD JUST BENONSENSE HOVERING IN THE WIND

INSTEAD OF WHAT IS HAS BECOME,A RALLYING CRY FOR OUR NATION

SUFFERERS OF HPV.

>> HE DID GET THAT TATTOO. HETOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO!

>> CHRIS: HE GOT IT PAUL! HE GOTYOUR TATTOO, RIGHT THERE!

>> I DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM. IDIDN'T BELIEVE HIM.

>> CHRIS: NOW, KID PENNED ARAMBLING, MOST LIKELY MOONSHINE-

FUELED PIECE FOR THE GUARDIANDOT COM THAT WENT VIRAL THIS

WEEK BECUASE OF IT'S MANYSTUNNING REVALTIONS, INCLUDING

THE ONE THAT HE IS AN ORDAINEDMINSTER, OWNS A CIVIL WAR

CANNON, AND IS ABOUT TO BECOME A43-YEAR-OLD GRANDFATHER.

WHICH I'M TRYING -- I KNOW IT'SBILOGICALLY POSSIBLE, BUT DID

SOMEONE JUST GIVE BIRTH TO APREGNANT BABY?

HOW DOES THIS -- IT SEEMS WEIRD.

EITHER WAY, MAZALTOFF-WITH-THE-BAW DA BANG DI BANG BOOGIE.

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO GIVE US A FAKE BUT TOTALLY

BELIEVABLE KID ROCK FACT THATYOU'D EXPECT TO SEE IN HIS

NEXT SCREED. TOM LENNON.

>> KID ROCK IS ACTUALLY ANINTELLIGENT ROBOT BEING OPERATED

BY WAFFLEHOUSE EMPLOYEES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. YES.DEFINETLY.

PAGET.

>> ONCE PUNCHED A RACCOON IN THEFACE BECAUSE HE SAID IT WAS

ACTING QUEER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. YEAH. PAUL F.TOMPKINS.

>> KID ROCK IS NOT ACTUALLY OFWOMAN BORN.

HE SPRANG FORTH FULLY FORMEDINTO BEING WHEN SOMEONE POURED

SMIRNOFF ON A TIRE FIRE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PERFECT.

>> HEY, CAN I POINT OUTSOMETHING ELSE?

CAN I POINTS SOMETHING OUT.>> CHRIS: YEAH.

>> LOOK AT THIS. THEN LOOK UPHERE.

WINNER OF THE PULITZER PRIZE.

>> CHRIS: MOVING ON. TRENDING ATTHE TOP OF REDDIT WAS A POST

ABOUT GOOGLE SELF-DRIVING CARSTHAT ACCUMULATED NEARLY 5,000

COMMENTS, MADE EVEN MOREINTERESTING BY A VERY SPECIAL

TYPO THAT READ, TODAY I LEARNEDEVEN THOUGH GOOGLE'S SELF-

DRIVING CATS LOGGED OVER 700 MILES, THEY HAVE YET TO OVERCOME

THE NAVIGATIONAL HURDLES OFSNOW, HEAVY RAIN, OEPN PARKING

LOTS, MULTILEVEL PARKINGGARAGES, CONCTRUCTIONS ZONES,

AND WHEN THE DIRECTLY BEHIND A TRAFFIC LIGHT.

THIS SOUNDS AMAZING.

CALL IN THE RESPONSE GIFS.

COEMDIANS, WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING RESPONSE GIFS GOT

THE MOST UP-VOTES THISCAT-DRIVING REDDIT POST.

IS IT A, SELF-DRIVING CATS?WE'VE DONE IT!

B, IT'S HAPPENING!

OR C, CATS ARE (BLEEP) DRIVERS.

NOW, DON'T WORRY, WE READ ONE ARTICLE THAT SAID ALL OF THOSE

PEOPLE ARE FINE.

SO THEY'RE PROBABLY FINE.

COMEDIANS, WHICH GOT THE MOST UPVOTES?

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> AS MUCH AS I AM IN LOVE WITHTHAT RON PAUL GIF -- IT FILLS MY

HEART WITH JOY --

>> CHRIS: YEAH, TOM'S DOING ITRIGHT NOW.

>> IS IT TOONCEES? IS IT C?

>> CHRIS: NO,. THE CORRECTANSWER IS IN FACT A, CATCH.

>> WHAT!>> CHRIS: CATCH!

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

HAPPY PUB DAY TO OUR FRIENDCOMEDIAN PATTON OSWALD, WHO'S

BOOK "SILVER SCREEN FIEND:LEARNING ABOUT LIFE ON AN

ADDICTION TO FILM" COMES OUT TODAY.

I AM GOING TO WAIT FOR THE MOVIEVERSION MYSELF BUT IN HONOR OF

HIS ACCOMPLISHMENT, TONIGHT IS#HOLLYWOODBOOKS.

#HOLLYWOODBOOKS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, ARE YOU THEREGOD? HOLD FOR MARGARET.

OR, TO CANCEL A MOCKINGBIRD.

OR, THE WEINSTEIN BEARS.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES.

THOMAS?

>> TREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN BUT WEWILL SHOOT IT IN VANCOUVER.

>> CHRIS: YES POINTS. PAUL F.

>> THE CASH-GRAB FILLER SERIES,VOLUMES 1 THROUGH 12, FORMERLY

KNOWN AS THE HOBIT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PAGET.

>> WOW. THE SUN ALSO PAULREISERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

VERY CURRENT.

I AM MAD ABOUT THAT.

POINTS. PAUL F.

>> ANN OF GREEN GABLES, WITH AFEW PAGES OF TITS THROWN IN.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

TOM?

>> EAST OF EDENDALE BUT BEFORE YOU GET TO THE COSTCO.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

TOM.

>> OH, I'VE GOTA GOOD ONE.

GROANS. PAGET GROANED AT ME.

>> CHRIS: YOUR'RE EATING UPTIME!

PAUL F.

>> DYANETICS.

>> CHRIS: TOM.

>> CATCH 23, BATTLE OF THESMITHSONIAN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HOW DARE YOU REFERENCE YOUR OWNMOVIE?

PAGET.

>> JAMES AND THE GIANT BITCH WHOCLAIMS SHE HAS A GLUTEN ALLERGY.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

WHAT ABOUT SONY PICTURES: ASERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY, TAKE BACK THENIGHTMARE.

OKAY. THIS IS FUN.

SO HERE'S HOW THIS IS GOING TO WORK.

I AM SHOW YOU A HORRIFYINGYOUTUBE CLIP FROM A REAL

SHOW THAT WAS ACTUALLY MEANT FORCHILDREN, AND FOR 250 POINTS, I

WOULD LIKE YOU COME UP WITH AMORE APPROPRIATE TITLE.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE, FIRST ONE.

THIS CRUED-ENCRUSTEDCRUCIFICATION.

>> I THINK HE LIKES YOU.> WHAT'S NEXT IN THE PLAN?

>> CHRIS: PAUL F.?

>> I THINK THE TITLE OF THISCOULD VERY SIMPLY BE, "[BLEEP]

YOU, KIDS,"

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PAGET.

>> BOY IT'S HARD TO ARGUE WITH PAUL'S TITLE.

DAVID KRONANBERG PRESENTS SESAMESTREET.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. PERFECT.ABSOLUTELY. ABSOUTELY.

NEXT ONE, THIS CATATONICCHOIRIST.

♪♪ 'CAUSE HE'S THE ONE WHO MADEYOU/ AND HE KNOW'S WHERE

YOU'RE GOING/ ALL THE TIME ♪♪

>> CHRIS: WAIT A MINUTE. I JUSTWATCHED -- HE DID NOT [BLEEP]ING

BLINK. NOT ONE TIME.

TOM LENNON?

>> THIS VIDEO IS JUST CALLED"HAIL HYDRA."

>> CHRIS:OH! NO YOU DID NOT.

ALL RIGHT, HAIL HYDRA.

LAST ONE, LAST ONE, THIS HIGHGENIC YOUNG DANCER.

♪♪

>> CHRIS: LETS ALL JUST TAKE ABREAK AND BE VERY CAREFUL WITH

THIS ONE. PAGET.

>> KIDS FELLATE THE DARNESTTHINGS.

IT'S TIME FOR THE NEXT GAME,RICH CAT/ POOR CAT.

RICH CAT/ POOR CAT.

CATS ARE REALLY THE CREAM OF THECANOLI OF THE INTERNET.

AND SITES LIKE RICH CATS OFINSTAGRAM AND CASH CATS DOT BIZ

SHOW OUR FELINE FRIENDS LIVINGTHE LIFE OF LUXURY SURROUNDED BY

CASH AND JEWELS, WHILE THE RESTOF THE REST OF THE INTERNET

POSTS PICTURES OF THEIR GROSSPOOR BLACKS. EW.

I'M GONNA SHOW A CAT, AND FOR250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TO TELL ME

IF THE FULL IMAGES I A RICH CATOR A POOR CAT.

ALL RIGHT. FIRST CAT.

RICH CAT?

POOR CAT?

PAUL.

>> LOOK AT THAT 1 PERCENT MOTHER(BLEEP).

YOU CAN SEE IT IN HIS EYES! HE'SA RICH CAT!

>> CHRIS: WAIT.

PAUL.

I THINK -- DO YOU MEAN, ONEPURR-CENT!

>> WOW.

>> CHRIS: I HATE MYSELF, TOO.

LET'S FIND OUT.

IT'S A VERY RICH CAT.

THAT CAT'S NOT [BLEEP]INGAROUND.

>> WAIT, IS THAT RICH CAT,MURDERER CAT.

THAT'S A PILE OF AMMO.

>> IT DOESN'T SAY HOW THEY GOTRICH.

MURDER.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, THIS CURIOUS LOOKINGFELINE.

IS THAT A RICH CAT OR A POOR CAT, TOM?

>> THAT CAT IS SO RICH, IT'S CRAZY.

>> CHRIS: I DON'T KNOW, I THINKIT ACTUALLY MIGHT BE --

>> LOOK AT THOSE EYES. HE'S GOTMOVIE STAR EYES.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> YOU THINK HE'S HAD SOMEHTINGDONE?

>> CHRIS: THAT'S A POOR CAT.

LIVING IN A DRYER.

>> WOW.

>> CHRIS: HEY GUYS, THIS ISLITERALLY A CAT TUMBLR.

ALL RIGHT. LAST BUT CERTAINLYNOT LEAST, THIS CAT --

PAUL?

>> I WANT TO SAY THAT CAT IS POOR, BUT HE LOOKS LIKE HE WON'T

BE FOR LONG.

>> YOU SEE THE KIBBLE, YOU TAKETHE KIBBLE.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

YEAH, THERE'S YOUR -- >> HE HAD A GOLD-PLATED NOSE.

>> IS CASH CATS DOT BIZ FORCATS?

>> CHRIS: YEAH. FUCBUC. FORCATS, BY CATS.

>> YEAH, YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S A STACK OF GOLD COINS TOREALLY SELL IT.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME,ORANGE ACCOUNTY.

A REDDITOR NAMED OLIGARCHYOLIGARCHY POSTED AN IMAGE

WITH THE CAPTION "UPS DRIVERLEFT $0.75 AFTER PICKING UP AN

ORANGE FROM MY FRONT YARD."

I PAY FOR ONE ORANGE, 75 CENT.

NOW, THE ILLOGICAL USE OF THEFIRST PERSON SIMPLE PRESENT

TENSE, THE LACK OF PUNCTUATION,AND THE STRANGELY AUTHORITATIVE

DEMOCRAT DECLARATION AS TO THE MARKET VALUE OF SAID ORANGE, I

THINK WE MIGHT BE LOOKING AT ARUSSIAN SPY DEAD DROP.

SO COMEIDANS, TONIGHT'S SPEEDGAME, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE

ME SOME OTHER NOTES FROM THISODD, POSSIBLY SOVIET UPS DRIVER.

I PUT SECOND 60 ON CLOCK AND GO.

PAUL F.

>> YOU WILL ALL PAY FOR ONEORANGE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

TOM.

>> I LOOK UP WHAT ORANGES COST. YOU OWE $0.30.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. PAGET.

>> I STARE WISTFULLY AT YOUR SONAND WISH MY SON HAD NOT DIED.

$3.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS. TOM.

>> THE GAME HAS CHANGED, MYFRIEND.

I ATE YOUR ORANGE. AND NOW YOUPAY ME 75 CENTS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. PAUL F.

>> ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T KILL YOU WHILE YOU SLEEPING?

>> CHRIS: POINTS. YES, TOM.

>> HEY.

IT'S THE UPS GUY AGAIN.

I WAS WANDERING IF YOU WILL READSOME OF MY EROTIC FICTION.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.