- THE ZOMBIES BROKE THROUGH!ZOMBIES--AARGH!

- AAH!- OH, MY GOD!

TOMMY'S BEEN BIT!

[audio slows down]

[audio at normal speed]

- AAH, DAMN!

[screams in background]

DAMN IT!NO, NO, NO!

- WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!

- NO, I CA--I CA--I CAN'T DO IT.

- D--DO WHAT?

- YOU HAVE TO DO IT!HE'S BEEN BIT!

- YES--AAH!AAH! UNH! AAH!

- NO, NO, NO!- FORGIVE ME, TOMMY!

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!- [screams]

ARRGH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

[panting]

- [crying] OH, NO!

- AAH!

I CA--I CAN'T BELIEVETHE ZOMBIES BIT HIM!

- [crying] IT WASN'TA ZOMBIE, IT WAS A RACCOON.

[crying]

ZOMBIES ARE RACCOONS, RIGHT?

NO, IT'S JUST ZOMBIES?

[crying]

OH, [bleep],YOU JUST KILLED TOMMY.

BUT BABE, MOVING OUT?

PLEASE, THISIS THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME.

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.

BABE?

[sighs]

- GARBAGE.- HUH?

- CAN I TAKE YOUR GARBAGE?

- YEAH, SURE.

- [chuckles]

YOU KNOW, I FINDTHE MORE GARBAGE IN THE CAN

THE BETTER IT FEELSTO DUMP IT ALL OUT.

I SUPPOSE THAT'SWHY WE LET IT GET SO FULL

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

SO WE CAN START OVER.

- HERE TO FIX THE COPIER.- YEAH, SURE, SURE.

HEY, HOW DID YOU--

- SOMETIMES THINGSAIN'T REALLY BROKEN.

IT'S THE WAYWE TREAT 'EM

THAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED.

[machine starts]

HEH.[whistles]

[chuckles]

- WHO THE HELLARE YOU GUYS?

both: THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONIS WHO ARE YOU, STEVE?

[ominous music]

- WELL, IF ITISN'T MR. STANLEY.

- CARL.

[ominous music continues]

♪

- YOU NEED TO FINDYOUR OWN TROUBLED WHITE BOY.

- I WAS HERE FIRST.

COPYCAT!

- AAGH![coughs]

[heavy breathing]

SWEEP THIS...

BITCH!

- HUNH!

- [chuckles]

UH-OH.- HAH!

- WHOA! UNH![groans]

- [chuckles]

- DAMN!

CHESTERFIELD!

[whistles]

both:THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

MAGICAL NEGRO!

HUNH!

[intense opera music]

♪

- [wild whistling]

both: YAARRGH!

- GOOD LORD.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

WELL, I GUESS SOMETIMESTHINGS HAVE TO COME APART

BEFORE WE CAN PUT'EM BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

- OH, YOU'REA MAGICAL NEGRO TOO.

- WHO YOU CALLIN' "NEGRO,"BITCH?

ALRIGHT WHERE YOU HEADED,YOUNGSTER.

- YEAH I'M HEADED TOTHE COBO BUILDING ON JEFFERSON.

- ALL RIGHT, YEAH,COBO HALL, JEFFERSON AVENUE.

MM-HMM.

SO, UH, WHATYOU IN DETROIT FOR?

- UH, GOTTADO A PRESENTATION.

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.YEAH, A PRESENTATION, OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU PRESENTING?

- UH, ACTUALLYIT'S ABOUT HOW MARKET RESEARCH

CAN BE INTERPRETEDWITH OUT-OF-THE-BOX SOLUTIONS.

- OH, ALL RIGHT,SO YOU'RE GONNA GET THIS ALL

OUTSIDE THE BOX, ALL RIGHT.

- MOST PEOPLETHINK THAT ALL CUSTOMERS

ARE A SINGLE DEMOGRAPHIC.

- OH, OKAY, YOU'RE TRYINGTO GET ALL THEM DEMOGRAPHICS

UP IN HERE, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

- ONLINE TRENDSARE LESS LINEAR THEN--

- OH, OKAY, ONLINE...

TRENDS.

LINEAR, MM-HMM.

- [scoffs]

I'M ALSO THINKING ABOUTDOING THE PRESENTATION NAKED.

- OOH.- JUST NO CLOTHES ON.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH,NAKED PRESENTATION.

NO CLOTHES ON, THAT'S GOOD.

- AFTERWARD I MIGHTJUST PISS ON THE FLOOR

IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

- OH, YEAH,OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

PISSING RIGHT THEREUP IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

ALL RIGHT, SOUNDS GOOD.

- THEN I MIGHT JUSTSHOOT EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE,

YOU KNOW.

WITH THE GUNI'M HIDING IN MY ASS.

- YEAH, YEAH,GUN WAY UP IN THAT ASS.

THAT'S THE WAYTO DO IT.

- CUT MY VICTIMS' FACES OFF,WEAR THEM AS MASKS.

- MM-HMM, YEAH,MASKS GO ON THE FACE.

UH-HUH.YEAH, OKAY.

- [speaking German] ICH BIN EIN SCHEIN. HEIL HITLER.

- YEP, OKAY,"HEIL HITLER" TO YOU TOO.

- HEH.

- ALL RIGHT, HERE WE ARE.

OH, BY THE WAY.

WHEN YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLEWITH YOUR ASS GUN,

MAKE SURE TO USEA SERRATED BLADE

TO CUT THEIR FACES OFF.

[ominous music]

AUF WIEDERSEHEN.

[German national anthem]

♪

- CALL MY AGENT.

[cell phone ringing]

- JADEN PINKETT SMITH, MY MAN.

- WHAT UP, CLYDE.

HEY LOOK, MAN, I'M GONNABE REAL WITH YOU OKAY?

THIS "ALIEN BOY" SCRIPT,I'M NOT FEELIN' IT.

I MEAN, IT'S HARDBEING WILL SMITH'S SON.

I JUST WANNA MAKE SUREMY NEXT PROJECT REFLECTS

THAT I'M A DOWN-TO-EARTH,NORMAL KID.

AM I MAKING ANY SENSE?

YEAH, YEAH,I'M READING YOU LOUD AND CLEAR.

I'VE GOT A SCRIPT RIGHT HERE.VERY REAL, CALLED "STREET BALL."

- TALK TO ME.- OKAY, SO YOU PLAY TONY.

HE'S A KID FROM THE STREETS,LIVES IN THE HOOD

IN A HOUSEWITH HIS MOM.

- STOP.

HOUSE?

OH, IT'S LIKE A...

TINY MANSION.- GOT IT, GO ON.

- SO HIS MOM AND HE,UH, THEY LIVE IN THIS HOUSE

AND SHE WORKSAT A SUPERMARKET.

- STOP.

- OH, YEAH, A SUPERMARKET'SLIKE A MANSION,

UH, BUT IT'S FULL OF FOODAND ANYONE CAN GO THERE.

- SO, LIKE,WHERE THE BUTLERS GO?

- YEAH, BASICALLY.SO HE, UH--

- AND WAIT.

YOU SAID HIS MOMWAS DOING SOMETHING

AT THE SUPERMARKET?

- WORKING.- SO...

- WORKING IS KIND OF LIKE ACTINGON A SET EVERY DAY

IN A FILM THATNO ONE'S EVER GONNA SEE.

AND IT LASTSFOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

- OH, LIKE A MAID!

- YEAH, YEAH, SHE'S LIKETHE MAID OF THE SUPERMARKET.

- AWESOME, CONTINUE.

- SO ANYWAY, TONY DOESN'TMAKE THE BASKETBALL TEAM, RIGHT?

SO HE DECIDES TO STARTPLAYING PICKUP GAMES

OF STREET BALL OUTSIDE.

- SO HE PLAYS BASKETBALLIN HIS PLANE?

- NO, ON THE GROUND.

- IN HIS LIMO?

- NO, UH, OUTSIDEIS THAT STUFF

THAT GOES BY WHENYOU'RE INSIDE THE LIMO.

- OH, SNAP!

HE PLAYS BASKETBALLOUTSIDE THE LIMO DOOR?

- YEAH, YEAH,YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SO THEN HE GETSREALLY GOOD AT BASKETBALL,

AND THEN BLAH-BLAHBLAH-BLAH-BLAH, FAST FORWARD.

AT THE HEART OF THE STORY TONYHAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HIS MOM--

- CHOOSE.

- YEAH, "CHOOSE" IS WHENYOU HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION

BETWEEN TWO THINGS YOU WANTBUT YOU CAN HAVE ONLY ONE.

- BUT...THERE'S TWO.

- YEAH, BUT, I MEAN,HE CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

- [scoffs] WHAT'D I SAYABOUT SCIENCE FICTION, CLYDE?

IT'S A NO.

- OKAY, WE'LL PASS.

ACHOO!

- DAD BLESS YOU.- THANKS.

- WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

TONIGHT WE ARE A FULL HOURON BABY PRUDENCE,

THE CHILD WHOWAS ABDUCTED YESTERDAY.

WE HAVE THE 911 CALLAND THE LAST TAKEN HOME VIDEO

OF BABY PRU.

WE HAVE REPORTERSIN THE FIELD

AS HUNDREDS OF PEOPLEARE SEARCHING FOR--

WHAT'S THAT?THEY FOUND HER?

SHE'S FINE?WELL [bleep] ME! GAA!

AS PEOPLE FROMALL WALKS OF LIFE

CELEBRATE BECOMINGTHE SEVENTH STATE

TO LEGALIZE GAY MARRIAGE.

WE'RE HERE TALKINGTO EXCITED COUPLES ABOUT

HOW THEY FEELON THIS HISTORIC DAY.

OH, HI.- HI, HI.

UH, YEAH, IT'SA VERY HISTORIC DAY

FOR CIVIL RIGHTS.

- WHOO!- AND FOR GAY AMERICANS.

AND AMERICANSALL OVER THE COUNTRY--

- WHOO! WE'RE GONNAGET MARRIED! YEAH!

- WELL, YOU KNOW, WAIT--- [screams]

- WE SAID THATIT WOULD BE A CONVERSATION,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?BECAUSE WE DIDN'T KNOW

THIS WAS GONNA PASSSO DARN FAST.

- OH, MY GOD!- SO ARE YOU GUYS A COUPLE?

- [laughs]ARE WE A COUPLE?

COME ON, GIRL,LET'S GET SERIOUS.

- NO, IT'S JUST SO FAST.- MY NAME IS LASHAWN.

AND THIS IS RIGHT HEREIS MY "SAMWICH."

- IT'S, UH, SAMUEL, YEAH.- [laughs]

AND WE'RE GONNAGET MARRIED! YEAH!

- THAT'S SO GREAT.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYSBEEN TOGETHER?

- WELL, WE'VE BEEN--- THREE YEARS.

IT'S BEEN FOREVER,WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER!

- IT'S REALLY IMPORTANTTO KNOW THE PERSON--

- WHO IS THE BRIDE?I AM THE BRIDE.

DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO![laughs]

- OH, WELL TELL USALL ABOUT YOUR PLANS.

- YOU KNOW, WE NEVER THOUGHTIT WAS IMPORTANT TO HAVE

A PIECE OF PAPERSO THERE'S NOT ANY PLANS--

- OH, YEAH!PIECE OF PAPER!

WE'RE GONNA GETTHAT PIECE OF PAPER, SAMMY!

- YEAH, YEAH.- THAT PIECE OF PAPER!

- WHERE DO YOU THINKYOU GUYS WILL GET MARRIED?

- WELL YOU KNOW THERE'S A LOTOF HIDDEN COSTS IN A WEDDING--

- OH, EVERYWHERE!

WE'RE GONNAGET MARRIED OVER HERE

AND OVER THEREAND IN THE SKY AND ON A CLOUD.

- OH, WOW, IT SOUNDS LIKEIT'S GONNA BE A BIG WEDDING.

- WELL, YOU KNOW IT'S JUSTA CONVERSATION THAT WE HAVE--

- GIRL, WE'RE GONNA RENTTHE MOON AND FILL IT WITH ROSES!

[screams]

- WE REALLY NEED TO TALKABOUT WHETHER OR NOT WE THINK

IT'S FAIR TO EVEN GET MARRIEDWHEN IT'S STILL ILLEGAL

IN SO MANYOTHER STATES--

- OH, MY GOD!YOU SEE? LOOK AT HIM!

THAT'S MY MANWITH HIS BIG HEART.

I'M SORRY, MY HUSBAND.YOU MY HUSBAND NOW.

- WELL, WE JUST--- YOU MY HUSBAND NOW, BITCH.

- OKAY, WE JUST DON'T WANNARUSH INTO ANYTHING,

BECAUSE STUFFGETS OVERTURNED.

REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENEDIN CALIFORNIA.

- BABY I'M GONNAGET A 14-KARAT RING

THE SIZEOF 14 MOTHER[bleep] CARROTS.

THAT'S WHAT'S UP, DOC![smacking lips]

- WELL, YOU TWOCERTAINLY SEEM EXCITED.

- YEAH, DO WE SEEM EXCITED?- OH, YEAH, YEAH.

- OH, OKAY.- CONGRATULATIONS.

I HOPE YOU GUYSHAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE TOGETHER.

- WE JUST--WE REALLY JUSTDIDN'T THINK IT WAS GONNA PASS.

- WE'RE GONNA HAVE A HOUSETHAT'S SHAPED LIKE A UNICORN

AND WE'RE GONNAHAVE FIVE LITTLE GIRLS.

THEIR NAMES ARE GONNA BEETNIE, CAROUSEL, SEQUIN,

ABERCROMBIE, AND PHANTOM.

AND WE'RE GONNAHAVE A LITTLE DOG NAMED RUFFALO.

AND THE DOG GONNAHAVE A CAT NAMED MYRIAD.

- AND WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS.

BABY LAKISHA HAS GONE MISSING.

FOR THE NEXT HOUR WE WILL--WHAT'S THAT? NOBODY CARES?

MOVING ON, LET'S CHECK INWITH BABY PRUDENCE.

HER 14TH DAY HOME,AND SHE'S STILL SAFE AND SOUND.

- NOW FIRST,LET ME JUST SAY

THAT I'M ENCOURAGED THAT SO MANYOF YOU FROM THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

HAVE AGREEDTO MEET ME IN THIS WAY.

NOW, AS YOU KNOW,I'VE TRIED VERY HARD

TO REACH ACROSS THE AISLE

AND GOVERN THIS COUNTRYFROM THE MIDDLE.

- WELL...

ALL DUE RESPECT,MR. PRESIDENT,

WE DISAGREE WITH YOU.

- WE THINK YOU SHOULDRUN THE COUNTRY FROM...

NOT THE MIDDLE.

- WELL,THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

IF YOU WOULD, I'D JUSTAPPRECIATE SOME FEEDBACK

ON SOME NEW IDEASAND DIRECTIONS FOR THIS COUNTRY.

FEEL FREE TO AGREEOR DISAGREE.

WHATEVER YOU WANT.

- WE'RE GONNA DISAGREE.

[chuckling and murmuring]

- YEAH, DISAGREE.- DISAGREE.

- [whispering]DISAGREE.

- FIRST, I THINKTHE GOVERNMENT IS TOO BIG.

I THINK WE NEEDTO SHRINK THE SIZE

OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENTSO THAT ALL DECISIONS

CAN BE MADEAT THE STATE LEVEL.

- WE DISAGREE, MR. PRESIDENT.

- MM-HMM.

- YOU DRIVEA HARD BARGAIN, YOU WIN.

[chuckling]

- THERE WE GO.

- BIG GOVERNMENT IT IS.

[classical music]

- ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP, THISHAS BEEN A HOT BUTTON ISSUE,

BUT I THINK WE CANSETTLE IT RIGHT HERE.

NO TAXES FOR RICH PEOPLE.

- WE COMPLETELY DISAGREE!

- ROUND TWOGOES TO YOU GUYS.

[uncomfortable chuckling]

- OKAY.- UH-HUH.

- MORE TAXESFOR THE RICH.

- AHEM!- WHAT THE [bleep]!

- WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?

- MAN, I AM TAKINGA BEATING HERE, GUYS.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ISSUE.

IMMIGRATION.

NOW WE NEEDTO SECURE OUR BORDERS.

AND ANYBODYWHO'S HERE ILLEGALLY

SHOULD BE HUNTED DOWNAND DEPORTED.

- GSSK!

GAAK!

NNG!WE DISAGREE!

AAH!- DAMN!

NNGH!

[crying]

- WE ARE COUNTRY OF IMMIGRANTS!NOOOOOO!

- WE NEED A CLEAR PATHTO CITIZENSHIP

FOR ALL OF THOSEWHO ARE ALREADY HERE!

AAH!HELP ME!

[crying, screaming]

MMM! MMM!

[crying, screaming]

- GREAT,I LOVE YOUR IDEAS.

LASTLY, WE CANNOTREGULATE FIREARMS.

- [muffled]YES, WE CAN!

all: [chanting]YES, WE CAN! YES, WE CAN!

YES, WE CAN!YES, WE CAN!

[crying]

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.IF YOU GUYS SAY SO.

AND NOBODY BETTERTHROW ME A CIGARETTE.

AIN'T I A STINKER?

- All right, "Key & Peele," thisVandaveon and Mike again, man.

We watched the show again.

Y'all ain't got backto us yet, man.

I'm just saying.

I don't knowwhat the deal is, man.

Y'all should at leastlook at the critiques,

'cause in last night's episode,y'all had a scene

that could have beenso much more funny.

- That shit was stupid.

- Hi, yeah, it's a very historic day

for civil rights and for gay Americans...

- Whoo!

- And Americans all over the country.

- We gonna get married!

- Well, no, wait-- - Yeah!

- We said that'd be a conversation,

you know what I mean,

because we didn't know this was gonna pass so darn fast.

- That dude was gay,

and he was trying to makethe other dude gay,

or something like that,I don't know, man.

But he was funny.

And I'm like, why not makethe scene more funny, dawg?

- They got to makethat other dude gay, too.

- See--[laughing]

- Make that other dudegay, too, so...

'Cause they both--

- See, that shit is alreadyfunny, just he said it, man.

I mean, I don't know which oneof you is Keele

and which one of you is P,

but whicheverthe tall dude is, man,

your thing is, man, I could seein the whole scene

that you was uncomfortable,right?

- 'Cause he wasn't gay.

- 'Cause he wasn't gay.

'Cause he didn't getto be a gay dude.

Like, he was--I mean, I couldsee in your own brain and shit

that you was thinking,

"Man, why did the other dudeget to be gay?

Why don't I get to doany of the fun stuff?"

- The dick, man.- What?

- Slap him with the dick.- Yeah, yeah, man.

It's like, at leastif I had been gay,

I could have slapped himin the mouth with my dick.

- [laughs]

- That shit would have beenfunny as hell,

if he was just, like,talking there,

like, "Hey, man,better get up off me."

both: Blip!

- And just smacked himin the mouth with his dick.

That would have been my shit.

- You being stupid,nigga.

You being stupid.

Quit being stupid,nigga.

[mumbling]

- What the other problem is,man,

is, the dude who couldhave been gay,

you could have given himall nice kind of things to do.

Man, he couldn't have beenlike this and shit.

The one nigga could havejust been like this,

"We getting married,we getting married.

"Nigga, put your dickin my face.

Put your dick in my face."

- Being stupid, nigga.

- That's a joke.

Another thing you can do, man,is, like, at the end,

you know, like, the one dude,maybe if he had done--what?

- Some--the girlwith the pussy.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Go tell 'em, man,

'cause you do itbetter than me, man.

Do it.

- I ain't tryingto be on TV, nigga.

- All right, so anyway,the girl, the reporter,

at the end of the scene, man,

where she on the thing.

Like, the dudewho's not gay at all,

he should look at herand be like,

"Hey, man, you wantto get together later, man?

And she's like,"No, man, I'm a lesbian.

I'm gonna leave here right nowand go eat some pussy."

[laughter]

- This niggatalking about...

[laughter]

You stupid, nigga.

- "See, I'm a lesbian.

La-la-la-la-la."

[laughter]

- Then slap--slap him--

slap him in the facewith the pussy.

Slap him inthe face with the pussy.

- Then see hertake the pussy out

and then, blip, and slap himin the face with the pussy.

If you hired us, we wouldn'thave missed that, dawg.

- Second draft.

- We wouldn't have missed that,man.

- Two drafts.