Gay Marriage Legalized

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 02/28/2012

Commitment looms for Jordan and Keegan after gay marriage is finally legalized.

- THE ZOMBIES BROKE THROUGH!ZOMBIES--AARGH!

- AAH!- OH, MY GOD!

TOMMY'S BEEN BIT!

[audio slows down]

[audio at normal speed]

- AAH, DAMN!

[screams in background]

DAMN IT!NO, NO, NO!

- WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!

- NO, I CA--I CA--I CAN'T DO IT.

- D--DO WHAT?

- YOU HAVE TO DO IT!HE'S BEEN BIT!

- YES--AAH!AAH! UNH! AAH!

- NO, NO, NO!- FORGIVE ME, TOMMY!

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!- [screams]

ARRGH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

[panting]

- [crying] OH, NO!

- AAH!

I CA--I CAN'T BELIEVETHE ZOMBIES BIT HIM!

- [crying] IT WASN'TA ZOMBIE, IT WAS A RACCOON.

[crying]

ZOMBIES ARE RACCOONS, RIGHT?

NO, IT'S JUST ZOMBIES?

[crying]

OH, [bleep],YOU JUST KILLED TOMMY.

AS PEOPLE FROMALL WALKS OF LIFE

CELEBRATE BECOMINGTHE SEVENTH STATE

TO LEGALIZE GAY MARRIAGE.

WE'RE HERE TALKINGTO EXCITED COUPLES ABOUT

HOW THEY FEELON THIS HISTORIC DAY.

OH, HI.- HI, HI.

UH, YEAH, IT'SA VERY HISTORIC DAY

FOR CIVIL RIGHTS.

- WHOO!- AND FOR GAY AMERICANS.

AND AMERICANSALL OVER THE COUNTRY--

- WHOO! WE'RE GONNAGET MARRIED! YEAH!

- WELL, YOU KNOW, WAIT--- [screams]

- WE SAID THATIT WOULD BE A CONVERSATION,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?BECAUSE WE DIDN'T KNOW

THIS WAS GONNA PASSSO DARN FAST.

- OH, MY GOD!- SO ARE YOU GUYS A COUPLE?

- [laughs]ARE WE A COUPLE?

COME ON, GIRL,LET'S GET SERIOUS.

- NO, IT'S JUST SO FAST.- MY NAME IS LASHAWN.

AND THIS IS RIGHT HEREIS MY "SAMWICH."

- IT'S, UH, SAMUEL, YEAH.- [laughs]

AND WE'RE GONNAGET MARRIED! YEAH!

- THAT'S SO GREAT.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYSBEEN TOGETHER?

- WELL, WE'VE BEEN--- THREE YEARS.

IT'S BEEN FOREVER,WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER!

- IT'S REALLY IMPORTANTTO KNOW THE PERSON--

- WHO IS THE BRIDE?I AM THE BRIDE.

DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO![laughs]

- OH, WELL TELL USALL ABOUT YOUR PLANS.

- YOU KNOW, WE NEVER THOUGHTIT WAS IMPORTANT TO HAVE

A PIECE OF PAPERSO THERE'S NOT ANY PLANS--

- OH, YEAH!PIECE OF PAPER!

WE'RE GONNA GETTHAT PIECE OF PAPER, SAMMY!

- YEAH, YEAH.- THAT PIECE OF PAPER!

- WHERE DO YOU THINKYOU GUYS WILL GET MARRIED?

- WELL YOU KNOW THERE'S A LOTOF HIDDEN COSTS IN A WEDDING--

- OH, EVERYWHERE!

WE'RE GONNAGET MARRIED OVER HERE

AND OVER THEREAND IN THE SKY AND ON A CLOUD.

- OH, WOW, IT SOUNDS LIKEIT'S GONNA BE A BIG WEDDING.

- WELL, YOU KNOW IT'S JUSTA CONVERSATION THAT WE HAVE--

- GIRL, WE'RE GONNA RENTTHE MOON AND FILL IT WITH ROSES!

[screams]

- WE REALLY NEED TO TALKABOUT WHETHER OR NOT WE THINK

IT'S FAIR TO EVEN GET MARRIEDWHEN IT'S STILL ILLEGAL

IN SO MANYOTHER STATES--

- OH, MY GOD!YOU SEE? LOOK AT HIM!

THAT'S MY MANWITH HIS BIG HEART.

I'M SORRY, MY HUSBAND.YOU MY HUSBAND NOW.

- WELL, WE JUST--- YOU MY HUSBAND NOW, BITCH.

- OKAY, WE JUST DON'T WANNARUSH INTO ANYTHING,

BECAUSE STUFFGETS OVERTURNED.

REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENEDIN CALIFORNIA.

- BABY I'M GONNAGET A 14-KARAT RING

THE SIZEOF 14 MOTHER[bleep] CARROTS.

THAT'S WHAT'S UP, DOC![smacking lips]

- WELL, YOU TWOCERTAINLY SEEM EXCITED.

- YEAH, DO WE SEEM EXCITED?- OH, YEAH, YEAH.

- OH, OKAY.- CONGRATULATIONS.

I HOPE YOU GUYSHAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE TOGETHER.

- WE JUST--WE REALLY JUSTDIDN'T THINK IT WAS GONNA PASS.

- WE'RE GONNA HAVE A HOUSETHAT'S SHAPED LIKE A UNICORN

AND WE'RE GONNAHAVE FIVE LITTLE GIRLS.

THEIR NAMES ARE GONNA BEETNIE, CAROUSEL, SEQUIN,

ABERCROMBIE, AND PHANTOM.

AND WE'RE GONNAHAVE A LITTLE DOG NAMED RUFFALO.

AND THE DOG GONNAHAVE A CAT NAMED MYRIAD.

- NOW FIRST,LET ME JUST SAY

THAT I'M ENCOURAGED THAT SO MANYOF YOU FROM THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

HAVE AGREEDTO MEET ME IN THIS WAY.

NOW, AS YOU KNOW,I'VE TRIED VERY HARD

TO REACH ACROSS THE AISLE

AND GOVERN THIS COUNTRYFROM THE MIDDLE.

- WELL...

ALL DUE RESPECT,MR. PRESIDENT,

WE DISAGREE WITH YOU.

- WE THINK YOU SHOULDRUN THE COUNTRY FROM...

NOT THE MIDDLE.

- WELL,THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

IF YOU WOULD, I'D JUSTAPPRECIATE SOME FEEDBACK

ON SOME NEW IDEASAND DIRECTIONS FOR THIS COUNTRY.

FEEL FREE TO AGREEOR DISAGREE.

WHATEVER YOU WANT.

- WE'RE GONNA DISAGREE.

[chuckling and murmuring]

- YEAH, DISAGREE.- DISAGREE.

- [whispering]DISAGREE.

- FIRST, I THINKTHE GOVERNMENT IS TOO BIG.

I THINK WE NEEDTO SHRINK THE SIZE

OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENTSO THAT ALL DECISIONS

CAN BE MADEAT THE STATE LEVEL.

- WE DISAGREE, MR. PRESIDENT.

- MM-HMM.

- YOU DRIVEA HARD BARGAIN, YOU WIN.

[chuckling]

- THERE WE GO.

- BIG GOVERNMENT IT IS.

[classical music]

- ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP, THISHAS BEEN A HOT BUTTON ISSUE,

BUT I THINK WE CANSETTLE IT RIGHT HERE.

NO TAXES FOR RICH PEOPLE.

- WE COMPLETELY DISAGREE!

- ROUND TWOGOES TO YOU GUYS.

[uncomfortable chuckling]

- OKAY.- UH-HUH.

- MORE TAXESFOR THE RICH.

- AHEM!- WHAT THE [bleep]!

- WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?

- MAN, I AM TAKINGA BEATING HERE, GUYS.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ISSUE.

IMMIGRATION.

NOW WE NEEDTO SECURE OUR BORDERS.

AND ANYBODYWHO'S HERE ILLEGALLY

SHOULD BE HUNTED DOWNAND DEPORTED.

- GSSK!

GAAK!

NNG!WE DISAGREE!

AAH!- DAMN!

NNGH!

[crying]

- WE ARE COUNTRY OF IMMIGRANTS!NOOOOOO!

- WE NEED A CLEAR PATHTO CITIZENSHIP

FOR ALL OF THOSEWHO ARE ALREADY HERE!

AAH!HELP ME!

[crying, screaming]

MMM! MMM!

[crying, screaming]

- GREAT,I LOVE YOUR IDEAS.

LASTLY, WE CANNOTREGULATE FIREARMS.

- [muffled]YES, WE CAN!

all: [chanting]YES, WE CAN! YES, WE CAN!

YES, WE CAN!YES, WE CAN!

[crying]

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.IF YOU GUYS SAY SO.

AND NOBODY BETTERTHROW ME A CIGARETTE.

AIN'T I A STINKER?