Extended - Thursday, February 11, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 02/11/2016

Kevin Smith, Brian Posehn and Matt Mira decode texts from teens, describe #SingleLifeIn3Words and tell superhero backstories with emojis in this extended, uncensored episode.

>> HARDWICK: All right, now it's

time to suck the marrow from the

skeleton of our democracy.

It's Panderdome!

(applause and cheering)

Here's a list of your most

politically political trendable

topics today on the Internet.

First up, Billary. Billary.

It's not easy being Hillary

Clinton and blazing new ground

as the first android to run for



But when things get tough, the

hair-sprayed alpha ant can turn

to her husband...

(laughter and groaning)

Watch this.

>> My job is to introduce


Sometimes when I'm on a stage

like this, I wished we weren't


Then I could say what I really


(laughter and groaning)

>> What does that even...?

What does he mean?

>> He's become a crazy old man.

>> HARDWICK: He's become crazy,

and they cut back to the

moderator real fast.

Like, you could feel the room be

like, "What did he...?!"

They cut away, like, "nothing to

see here."


That is fucking ridiculous that

he said that about his wife.

He's not even looking up.

It's like he doesn't even give a

shit anymore.

>> 'Cause he's about to admit

the whole truth.

He's like, "She leaves the

toilet seat up."


(applause and cheering)

>> HARDWICK: 100 points for

Kevin Smith.

I just... I watched the clip,

and I just get the phantom

pains, just imagining the stare

he got for that from across the

room, but just to show...

>> They don't look at each other


(laughter, applause)

>> HARDWICK: Well, Matt, you may

be right, but we do have a

picture of the two of them, uh,

standing together right there,

so they're not... they're not...

>> No eye contact.

No eye contact.

>> HARDWICK: No eye contact.

No eye contact.

Team Clinton Instagrammed a

private moment here of Hillary

whispering to her husband's ear

while this guy back here looked

like he's waiting for some kind

of like, uh, Black Friday at

Best Buy.


Right there.

Comedians, what is she

whispering in Bill's ear?


>> Hail Hydra.


(applause and cheering)

>> HARDWICK: Oh. Oh, that'd be

fucking... Yes!


Matt Mira.

>> I'm losing to a Jew?



>> HARDWICK: Kevin.

>> Uh, I like to Whip, I like to

Nae Nae.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.


(laughter, applause)

Onto our next topic-- Breakfast

at Carly's.

Uh, it was a sad seventh place

New Hampshire primary finish for

business-casual Dee Snider

clone Carly Fiorina.

(laughter and groaning)

Now, before you get upset about

that-- that I suggested that she

looks like the lead singer of

Twister Sister-- look at this.

I mean, I don't...


(applause and cheering)

I mean, I'm just...

It's just... it's an objective


This is just an objective fact.

I wasn't being mean.

I was just pointing out a thing

in nature, right?

>> ♪ You're gonna

Burn in hell. ♪

>> HARDWICK: Uh, she's crazy and

Dee's nuts.

All right, um...

Come on! Come on!

>> MAN: Hi-yo!

>> HARDWICK: Yeah. Hi-yo!

Thank you.

>> Points.

>> HARDWICK: Thank you.

All right, now, Fiorina's ended

her campaign, but not before

visiting a busy cafe to see her

fans, um, like this woman who

didn't want to stop having

breakfast here...


...the entire time.

There she is.



Reddit fell in love with this

little lady's "don't give a

fuck" attitude and Photoshopped

her into which of the following

great works of art?

Matt Mira.

>> Chris, uh, she's eating, so

it's got to be The Last Supper.

>> HARDWICK: You know, Matt,

that's very good logic on your

part, and you happen to be

right-- here she is right here.

(laughter, applause)

Here she is.


>> Now... now it just looks like

she's just really pissed off

that bread's unleavened.


>> HARDWICK: Wait, you don't

think she's eating the Holy

Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity

breakfast right there?

But, I have to say, we were

bummed that the other two didn't

exist, so our digital pod did

what they do best, which is to

make our dreams come true.

Uh, let's see what they cooked


>> ♪ I work hard

I grind till I own it

I twirl on my haters

Albino alligators. ♪

(whooping, applause)

>> HARDWICK: I don't know why

they didn't just make the video

that way.

On to our next topic.

Basketball. Basketball.

After his decisive victory in

New Hampshire's Democratic

primary, frazzled Old West

saloon keeper Bernie Sanders...

celebrated by shooting some


Here he is.

>> Beneath the campaign

headquarters, as... the victory

party, he is playing hoops with

his two adult sons, and he's

making, uh... he's making some

shots there.

>> Is this, like, some kind of a


He's making every single one.

>> HARDWICK: He's a regular

LeBern James.


Bernie Sanders, pretty good at

layups, amazing at lay-downs.

(laughter, whooping)

So, comedians...

what team will recruit this

rising star?

Matt Mira.

>> The San Antonio Bone Spurs.


>> HARDWICK: Points.

They, uh, need to draft someone

younger to replace Tim Duncan.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

(audience groans)

That's... I'll take your word

for that.


>> Philadelphia 1876ers.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

It's now time for tonight's



Well, it's almost Valentine's

Day and you know what that


fancy dinner and butt stuff.

No. Uh...


Extreme... ex...

Extreme consumerism will

constantly remind you of how

single and alone you are.

Even though the holiday's all

about couples, being single can

be fun, too.

You don't have to share your

pizza rolls, you can sleep in,

no one's gonna complain when you

masturbate under your Snuggie.

So... Why else would you have


It's just basically a dick

hugger-- like, that's all it is.

So to celebrate the single life,

tonight's hashtag is


Examples might be... examples

might be: un-made racecar bed,

and: conversations with cats.

Yeah, because I like to talk to

them before I fuck them, Kevin,

'cause I'm just not...

(laughter, applause)

'Cause I don't want to just...

>> Didn't say a word.


>> HARDWICK: All right.

I'm gonna put 60 seconds on the

clock, and begin.

Brian Posehn.

>> Found by landlord.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Kevin Smith.

>> Eating while pooping.

>> HARDWICK: Points.


>> Never not nude.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Matt Mira.

>> Probably jerkin' it.

>> HARDWICK: Points.


>> Accidentally killed hooker.

>> HARDWICK: Points.


>> Damn! Hardwick's taken.

>> HARDWICK: Points. Aw...


>> Smells in here.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Matt Mira.

>> Still jerkin' it.

>> HARDWICK: Points.


>> Should this bleed?

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Kevin Smith.

>> Threesome for one.

>> HARDWICK: Points.


Brian Posehn.

>> Tickets to Deadpool.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah!

Well done!

Very masterfully done!

It's time to play...

Sweet Emoji: Deadpool Edition.


I don't know if you've heard,

but there's a little movie out

there called Deadpool coming out

this weekend that...

(cheering, applause)

I have been so excited to see

this movie since late July of

2015-- it is finally happening

this weekend.

You need to fuckin' go and see

it so that more good, dark,

funny superhero movies will get


>> Hear, hear.

>> HARDWICK: Let's jump in...

(cheering, applause)

Let's jump into the deep end

with this little clip. Jack.

>> ♪ Here I go, here I go

Here I go again

Shotgun, bang!

♪ What's up with that thang?

I want to know

How does it hang?

Hey... ♪

(cheering, applause)

>> HARDWICK: So...

The promotion for Deadpool is

amazing-- and again, they're

paying us-- but it is actually


Uh, like this billboard.

Right there. Deadpool.


Okay, dead guy, poo guy, L.


>> That hobbit liked it.


>> HARDWICK: That hobbit--

you're talking about Patton


>> He was in my wedding-- I can

call him a hobbit.

>> HARDWICK: You can call him a

hobbit, yeah, yeah.

>> He carried the ring.

(laughter, applause)

>> HARDWICK: Hundred points to

Brian Posehn.

So this is the magic of emoji,

this is the magic of emoji.

I'm gonna show you a series of

emojis-- for 250 points, I want

you to use them to make up a

superhero origin story.

First up...

this one.

All right.

Superhero origin story.

Matt Mira.

>> I got my powers when I flew

over the Atlantic to New Jersey.

>> HARDWICK: All right.



Brian Posehn.

>> My plane almost crashed in

the ocean and I received the

power of shitting


>> HARDWICK: What a... what a

great power to have.

Points, Brian Posehn.

>> With great power comes

great... never mind.

>> HARDWICK: Kevin Smith.

>> I was on Southwest


>> I think I heard this one.

>> I know, stop me if you've

heard it.

I cried an ocean of tears

because they said I couldn't fit

in the seat and I gave 'em a lot

of shit on Twitter.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

All right, next one, next one.

(bell dings)

Brian Posehn.

>> I went to college in the

South and now I'm super racist.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Uh, Matt Mira.

>> I was bombarded by gamma rays

when I was in the audience for

Whoopi Goldberg's 1993 Friars

Club roast featuring Ted Danson

in blackface.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, yeah, good,


>> That's like doing a triple

lindy, man.

>> HARDWICK: It is doing the

triple lindy.

>> You should be writing comic


>> HARDWICK: Next one, next one.

All right.


>> I showed my dick to a cop and

I received the power of getting

knocked the fuck out.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

Pretty good power.

Kevin Smith.

>> I showed my dick to a cop and

he fisted me.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.


Now, Matt, now, I feel like you

seem a little unsure about their

answers, so do you know what the

actual origin story is?

>> I know what the actual origin

story is-- I-I gained my super

strength while I was in the

audience at a Bananarama-Police


>> HARDWICK: Oh, my God, are

they touring together now?

>> It's right there.

>> Bananarama?

>> And The Police.

>> HARDWICK: All right, next


(bell dings)

Brian Posehn.

>> The industrial part of town,

guns and pool?

This is Bruce Springsteen's

origin story.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.




>> Um, this is the story of how

Willy Wonka developed a drug



>> I have been, uh, fighting

crime since my parents were shot

by that pool shark in Newark.

>> HARDWICK: Poi... Yeah,



Next one, next one.

(bell dings)

All right, Matt Mira.

>> Well, Chris, my life has

never been the same since I saw

Tom Selleck blow that pig.

>> HARDWICK: Well... I mean,

yeah, but... what super power

did you gain?

>> That's when I dedicated my

life to finding out why I can

never get an erection again.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points,


Oh, Magnum.

>> P.I.!


All right, Brian.

>> After a wizard stole my self-

esteem, I'd suck anybody's dick.

Even a pig dick.

>> Now, Brian, is that-is that

the wizard?

>> Well, that's the wizard--

he's a golden wizard.

>> Uh-huh.

>> And I put lipstick on and I

suck pig dicks at the fair.

>> Got it, got it.

That checks out.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, I mean, come


By the way, these are not just

disgusting street pigs, these

are blue ribbon-winning, the

cream of the crop pigs.

>> And when you're finished,

you're like, "That'll do, pig."

>> HARDWICK: That'll do, pig.

100 points for, uh, Brian and

Kevin Smith on that one.

Finally, these custom Deadpool


There they are.

Uh, Kevin.

>> Um, in order to see Deadpool

early I would eat the metal taco

of Colossus himself.

>> HARDWICK: Metal taco.

Before the break, I showed a

report from News Now 13 on the

secret world of teen sex codes

and rock and roll and kids with

their harmonicas and... What?

Uh, I asked you guys to log your

own hard-hitting report.

Let's see what you came up with.

Uh, Brian, we'll start with


>> When teens say "I'm going to

send an e-mail," what they

really mean is "I'm gonna go set

fire to a government building

and masturbate while it burns."

Let that little firebug know

that it's okay to masturbate at

home to a trashcan fire you set

in the garage while yelling

"Def Leppard rules!"

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Very, very informative.

Thank you, Brian.

Parents of the world, take note.

Matt Mira, you're next.

>> What teens aren't telling you

is that the Internet, or

information superhighway, is

literally filled with semen.

Or Tron jizz.

So the next time your teen

mentions their latest download,

ask yourself, do you know where

that load came from?

Back to you, Chris.


#TronJizz. My new...

Uh, Kevin Smith, you're last.

>> Now, parents, it may look

like a familiar household item,

but let me shed some true light

on the subject right here.

Your kids are using this.

It's all over the Internet, and

your kids are all over and

inside of it.

What do I mean?

Right here, they're storing your

future grandkids.

We go to our next game, 2 in the

Walls, 8 in the Balls.

Etsy finally has found a

solution to all those times

you've been shoving things in

your ass while wondering what

lies ahead in your future, a

Magic 8-Ball plug.

Oh. "Reply hazy, ass again



>> I love that they were smart

businesspeople and just make

them to order.

And they didn't... they didn't

make a bunch.

>> HARDWICK: You know, I don't

see anything that says no

returns, but I... really feel

like that's... Oh, you can see

the fucking guy's reflection in

the plug part right there, too.

>> Enhance!

(mimics zoom sound effect)

>> Is that 8-ball actual size?

>> HARDWICK: I don't know if

it's an actual-size 8-ball.

That'd be so weird if you're

like, "What's my fortune say?

What's it say?"

This item is listed on Etsy for

a surprisingly reasonable price

of 30 bucks.

30 U.S. dollars.

>> You can't get a butt plug

that cheap, man.

Like, it sucks that the future's

attached to it, but still.

>> Not one made in America,


>> HARDWICK: I wonder if one of

the... I wonder if one of the

answers on the little pyramid

inside says, "You need to go to

the E.R."

Uh, one has to wonder what

fortunes will be told on the

Magic 8-Ball that powers your


I would like you to come up with

as many Magic 8-Ball butt plug

fortunes as you can in 60


Please begin.

Matt Mira.

>> Moist likely.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Brian Posehn.

>> Outlook foggy.

Nope, that's just shit.

>> HARDWICK: Poi... Points.

Points. Brian Posehn.

>> Your future stinks.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Brian Posehn again.

>> It's a living!

>> HARDWICK: Points, yes.

With the Flintstones, it would

be, like, a lizard on the back

of a stick.

Yeah. Points.

Matt Mira.

>> If you're sliding into first

and you feel something burst...

it is certain.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Well-well played. Kevin.

>> Can't see. Poo over.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Matt Mira.

>> My reply is yeah!