Terrible People

  • Season 1, Ep 9
  • 06/25/2013

Cat Park is a safe haven for cats and owners, and Amy and a psychic conjure Dave Attell.

to all the underprivilegedchildren in the world.

( clapping )

Incredible,Charles, really incredible.

Well, before we vote toapprove funding

for Charles' project,

it's my honor to welcome ournewest board member,

Amy BlackBerry.

Hey guys.

I know you all think I'mhere just 'cause

my dadowns this company

and like a third of allthe phones on Earth,

but honestly, Isubmitted for this job

under a fake name,

just like Tori Spellingon "90210."

Well, regardless,

we are thrilled to haveyou here.

Welcome to the team.

( clapping )

Cool... how cool.

Well, let's vote.

Oh, you know what, if Icould just interject here,

I actually had a differentplan I wanted considered

for that same funding.

I know my dad's reallybehind it.

I don't want thatto affect anybody's decision,

it's just an FYI.

Okay, Amy,yeah, go right ahead.

Yeah?

Yeah.Okay, great.

Um, I have two words foryou guys.

Just two words.

"Cat park."

Huh?

"Cat park."

Raise your hand if you'veever heard of a dog park.

I know I have.

And now raise your hand ifyou've seen a cat park?

Yeah, are youguys with me right now?

We build the firstever cat park,

right herein our community.

These are the ears,

these arethe eyes, whiskers, nose.

What's missing?

The mouth.

Why is there no mouth?

Because I'm speakingfor cat park.

Pass itaround, take a swig.

Okay, some of you still havesome questions,

that's fair.

Just watch this.

♪♪

♪ Cat park

♪ Cat park

♪ Cat park

♪ Cat park

♪ Cat parkCat Park ♪

♪ Cat parkCat Park ♪

♪♪

♪ Cat park

I like that video.

Cat park willserve as a safe haven,

not only for cats, but forcat owners, too?

Is this real?

Are you real?

Yes.

Okay, I get it,"cat park."

But why now?

Why not meow?

There will be a section ofcat park with a slide

and you willput the cat on the slide

and you can watch that catslide down that slide.

All right--That kicks ass.

I knowyou're all thinking,

will babies be allowedin this park?

No, they will be arrested ifthey enter the park.

This doesn't makeany sense.

Shut up, Charles.

Yeah, Charles.

Cat park.

It's simple.

Well, I mean,it's not that simple.

No one's ever thought ofit before.

I am the first one.

Well, I don't thinkwe need to vote on this,

but let'sjust do it for fun.

All in favor of approvingAmy's cat park?

We could havesaved millions of kids,

but afterseeing that presentation,

I don't want tosave kids.

I wantto entertain cats.

Welcome to cat park!

Thank you for the standingovation, everybody.

Standing O.

( clapping )

Snowball?

Rembrandt?

Where's Lady Guinevere?

( man )Buddy?

Hey, Buddy?( woman)Crystal ?

Rembrandt, are youhere?

I've lost my cat!

(woman )Mittens, I can't find you!I can't find my cat!

( meowing )

♪♪

much for seeing me.

Well, Ican only tell you

what the spirits saythrough me,

but is there someoneyou'd like to speak to?

Yes, mygrandma passed recently.

I'd love to just talk to herone more time.

Well, let's seeif we can find her.

Okay.

♪♪

I'm seeing someone,

it's a malewho died recently.

An uncle, a brother,Ricky, Roadie.

Oh.

My Uncle Randy?

Uncle Randy, yes.

Oh, my God...

What--Does he see my grandma?

He saysshe'll be here soon.

He says he was in theneighborhood

and he's just gonna hang outuntil she gets here.

Okay, fine.

Now he's telling me you'vereally grown up.

Okay.

No, seriously, youlook good.

You looklike a woman now.

All right.

He's showingme a trampoline,

a little girl jumping up anddown on a trampoline

and a man watching hervery closely,

never takinghis eyes off of her.

Right, yeah,he used to get me a trampoline

and a bathing suit...

like,every year.

He wants to know if youstill use it

and ifso at what times.

I don't even know wherethey are.

Is my grandma here?

Yes.

Oh my God,Grandma, is that you?

No, it's still Randy.

Now he's telling you to relaxand not to worry

and he'srubbing your shoulders.

Oh my God, he's touching meright now?

He says you have a lotof tension.

Two huge knots.

Oh, gross.

He wants to know,are you still friends

with that girl, Erin?

Erin?

Pigtails?

Amazingly heavy sleeper?

Oh myGod, I'm leaving.

How much do Iowe you ?

Wait, wait!

Your grandma's here.

Grandma!

She wants to know if shecan bum a cigarette.

What a ( bleep ).

Christian...

and you're lookingfor a meaningful relationship

on the side.

Now you can find God's othermatch for you

at AshleyMagdalene.com.

With my husband so busy runninga gay rehab center,

it's importantto me to cheat with someone

who shares my Christian values.

It's easy and free.

Start browsing millions ofprofiles online

at the leadingsite for Christian cheating.

♪ Catch me, Jesus,I'm falling ♪

♪ Hear me Jesus I'm...

I'll be intown for a few days

chairing a convention on Faith,Flag and Family

and I'd like to meet a discreetwoman of strong moral character

who will let me try itin the butt.

Don't ask"What would Jesus do?"

Ask, "Who would Jesus do?"

Log on toAshley Magdalene today.

I live in the woodswith my wife and nine children

and I just want to meet anotherguy in my same situation.

Nothing sexual.

I just wantto hang out like dudes.

Maybe measure each other'spigs.

Ashley Magdalene.

Find God'sother match for you.

Hey, you busy?

Oh no, I'mjust browsing new sources.

Come in, come in, bitch,what's up?

Well, you know I'm just gettingover breast cancer, right?

I know, I know.

God.

Your cancer is like, allI think about.

Really?

Pretty much.

I bet you don't think about itas much as I think about it.

Well, I think aboutit more than you'd think.

Well, good, thenyou'll probably be excited

about the reason formy visit.

There's a 5K breast cancerrun in a few weeks

and I'm trying toget people--

Stop immediately.

Sold.

Of course, I'm in.

What's the maximum pledge?

50, 100, what?

There's actuallynot a maximum pledge.

Okay, okay, 25.

That's really generousof you--Oh, it's nothing.

But I was wanting to see ifyou would be willing

to run it with me.

Run--

Like, howdo you mean?

You know, I mean, you'rea thing.

People would be excitedto pay money for you to run.

Yeah, I don't know that I'ma thing, you know.

I mean, I do get recognizeda lot, but--

I mean, I don't know.

Are other people from theoffice, like,

physicallyrunning this thing?

Yes.

Like who?

Gabe.

Gay.

Grace.Lonely!

Kurt.

Oh, God,he was raised by people

that weren't his biologicalparents.

Okay, okay.

That's awesome.

The office is represented,all right?

The problem iswith me, I can't.

I can't run, because I bulkup super fast.

Just like thunder thighs.

It's so embarrassing.

Just, God, I really trust you,that's why I'm telling you.

Amy, the reason to run is tohelp raise awareness.

Awareness for what?

C-Cancer?

Like, I thinkpeople have gotten the memo.

Yeah, I got the memo,

that's whyI had a double mastectomy.

When is it again?

Next Saturday.

Oh, balls!

You said Saturday, right?

Oh, I can't, that is so--God, timing.

I have aKentucky Derby party that day,

and trust me, I would loveto cancel

but Ialready bought a hat.

And those are only hats thatyou would wear at,

like, you know--

They're not,like, all-purpose hats, so.

Mmm.

( phone ringing )Oh, I'm so sorry.

Hi, this is Amy.

Oh, hi Jeff Probst.

Yeah, definitely,Saturday?

Yes, I'll be there,of course I'll be there.

Can I wear a hat?

Jeff?

Okay, you already knowwho that was.

Jeff Probst.

So this istotally gonna cheer you up.

Okay, so Saturday, P. Diddyis having, like,

a dance-a-thon toraise money for chinchillas.

So they can be used incoats again.

Oh, God.

But look, I'm so sorry.

Is there anything else I cando for you?

Like, anything else?

I'm sorry thatmy calendar is so booked.

Actually, yeah.

A bunch of friends were gonnashave their heads

for when Igo through chemo.

So...

Okay.

That's great.

I can'tdo that, obviously,

'cause a lot of people's jobsare dependent on me

just kind ofkeeping this look, you know?

But I'll tell you whatI will do.

I will continue toget rid of all of my pubes.

Mmm.

( phone ringing )

This is Amy.

Hi, Nick Cannon.

I actually know Nick, tellhim I said hi.

Oh Nick,Tig says hi.

Yeah, oh my God,of course,

of courseI'm doing her 5K, yeah.

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