CC Presents: Megan Mooney

  • 03/16/2006

I'LL TELL YOU THIS MUCH,I'M ONE OF SEVEN KIDS.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKIN'. YOU'RE LIKE

"YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK MEXICAN." UM, I'M NOT. I'M IRISH.

IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE EXACT SAME THING.

I THINK WHATI'M TRYING TO TELL YOU,

IS THAT MY PARENT'S ARE CATHOLIC WHICH MEANS THEY LOVE JESUS

AND LIQUOR, YEAH.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING MORE MEXICAN THAN THAT.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL MOVE ON,WE'LL MOVE ON.

OH, MAN, I HAVE BEEN MARRIEDFOR THREE YEARS, WHICH IS NICE.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH, THANK YOU.

YEAH. YOU GUYS ARE HAPPY,

BUT IT JUST SEEMS TO IRRITATE PEOPLE

THAT I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN YET.WHEN I DATED MY HUSBAND,

EVERYONE'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GET MARRIED?"

AND NOW THAT WE'RE MARRIED, PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"WHEN ARE YOU GONNA HAVE KIDS?"

WE NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY.WE'RE ALWAYS LIKE

"WE TRIED FIVE TIMES LAST NIGHT." YEAH.

IT SHOULD BE AWKWARD FOR THEM AS WELL.

I DON'T ENJOY SAYING THAT. BUT I DO ENJOY THE SAD LOOK

ON THEIR FACE RIGHT AFTER I SAY IT.

- [LAUGHTER] - YEAH.

MY MOM'S LIKE, "REAL CLASSY. YOU JUST RUINED CHRISTMAS."

MY FRIENDS ARE STARTING TO HAVE KIDS WHICH IS NICE.

I DON'T KNOW, IT'S WEIRDWHEN YOUR FRIENDS START HAVING--

LIKE HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN SOMEONE FOR SO LONG

THAT WHEN THEY TELL YOUTHEY'RE PREGNANT,

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT APPROPRIATELY?

LIKE EVERYONE'S HAPPY AND HUGGING 'EM, BUT YOU'RE LIKE,

- "OH. - [LAUGHTER]

"WE THOUGHT IT WAS A BAD IDEA YOU GUYS GOT MARRIED.

"BUT WE DIDN'T FEEL LIKEWE COULD SAY ANYTHING,

'CAUSE IT WAS OPEN BAR." YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. YES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S THE THING WHEN YOUR FRIENDS GET MARRIED AND BECOME PARENTS,

THEY BECOME BAD FRIENDS.THAT'S THE CYCLE.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT TO BE RUDE. I REALIZE BEING A PARENT

IS MORE NOBLE THAN BEING MY FRIEND,

BUT IT IS NOT AS MUCH FUN. I STILL GO TO THEIR HOUSES.

I'M LIKE, "COME ON, WE'RE GOING OUT." AND THEY'RE LIKE

"I HAVE A BABY." AND I'M LIKE, "KENNEL THAT BITCH. LET'S GO!"

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH.

"THROW SOME FOOD ON THE FLOOR. IT CAN CRAWL.

YOU'RE SO ANAL ABOUT YOUR BABY."

DON'T EVER SAY THAT. THAT WILL RUIN A FRIENDSHIP.

IT'S VERY INSENSITIVE, AND I REALIZE THAT,

'CAUSE I HAVE NIECES AND NEPHEWS.

I LOVE NIECES AND NEPHEWS,

'CAUSE THEY'RE LITTLE, TINY PEOPLE

THAT ARE TRAINED TO LOVE YOU. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.

HOW CUTE IS THAT? THEY JUST STAND THERE.

THEY'RE LIKE "I LOVE YOU."

I'M LIKE "YOU'RE A HORRIBLE JUDGE OF CHARACTER.

NOW LET'S GO BREAK YOUR PARENTS' STUFF."

'CAUSE THAT'S ALL KIDS DO ANYWAYS.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL HELP 'EM, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT YOURS. I'M LIKE, "YEAH, THE VCR'S HUNGRY.

"PUT SOME SPAGHETTI IN IT. I DON'T CARE. DO IT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YEAH. "WANNA SHOVE ANOTHER SHOE IN THE TOILET? I DON'T CARE, MAN."

I HAVE A NIECETHAT'S AN ANIMAL ABUSER.

DO YOU EVER SEE KIDS WHO LOVE ANIMALS,

BUT THEY BEAT THE TAR OUT OF 'EM, RIGHT? SHE'S LIKE "I LOVE THE DOG!"

AND THEN SHE'LL TACKLE IT AND BITE ITS EAR. IT'S CREEPY.

YOU HAVE TO PULL HER OFFTHE DOG, AND SHE'S LIKE,

- "ARGHHH." - [LAUGHTER]

THERE'S A RULE IN THEIR HOUSE.

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE HER ALONE IN THE ROOM WITH THE DOG UNSUPERVISED.

- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT RULE. - [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T LIVE IN THE SAME CITYAS A LOT OF NIECES AND NEPHEWS,

SO I HAVE TO CALL FOR UPDATES. BUT THAT'S WHEN I REALIZE

MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE CRAZY.

I CALLED ONE OF MY SISTERS. I'M LIKE, "HOW'S ANNIE DOING?"

SHE GOES, "SHE'S GOOD.SHE'S ALREADY WALKING."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WOW, IS SHE TALKING?" MY SISTER GOES,

"SHE'S GOT BROKEN ENGLISH." I WAS LIKE, "SHE'S A BABY,

NOT AN IMMIGRANT." I'VE NEVER HEARD MY NIECE BE LIKE, "NO HABLO INGLES?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW YOU SAY IN YOUR COUNTRY 'BOTTLE'?"

YOU EVER SEE A CHILD SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE. AT FIRST, YOU'RE LIKE,

"THAT'S BEAUTIFUL." AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE

"I'M A MORON. "I STUDIED THAT LANGUAGE FOR NINE YEARS,

AND I CAN'T TRANSLATE A TWO-YEAR-OLD. THAT'S SAD."

HERE'S WHAT I NOTICED ABOUT WHEN PEOPLE HAVE LITTLE KIDS. EVERYONE GIVES 'EM ADVICE.

BUT THE OLDER PERSON,THE WORSE THE ADVICE IS.

LIKE MY GRANDMA AND MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "DIP THE NIPPLE IN LIQUOR

- BEFORE YOU FEED THE BABY."- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHY ARE OLD PEOPLE ALWAYS TRYINGTO GET LIQUOR INTO CHILDREN?

WHY IS THAT HAPPENING?THEY'RE LIKE, "GIVE IT ALITTLE BABY BLACK-OUT.

THAT WAY IT'S QUIET WHEN I WATCH THE PRICE IS RIGHT, YEAH."

IF YOU LIKE THE PRICE IS RIGHT,YOU'RE EITHER 90 OR A POTHEAD.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH. I RESPECT BOTH.

YOU EVER WATCH SOMEBODYFOLLOW BAD ADVICE?

YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOUSHOULD INTERVENE, RIGHT?

IT'S KIND OF FUNNY, BUT KIND OFWEIRD AT THE SAME TIME.

ONE OF MY FRIENDS IS LIKE "I'M PUTTING MY SON

IN SPORTS IMMEDIATELY." I WAS LIKE, "WHY?" SHE GOES,

"BECAUSE ATHLETICS BUILDS SELF-CONFIDENCE, THAT'S WHY."

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, IF HE'S ATHLETIC."

DON'T YOU SEE THE HUGE HOLEIN THAT THEORY?

I'VE NEVER ONCEHEARD A PARENT BE LIKE,"BILLY HAD NO CONFIDENCE

TILL THE COACH CALLED HIM A FAT PIECE OF CRAP."

YEAH. "THE OTHER KIDS MADE HIM A T-SHIRT. IT SAYS

'BITCH TITS' ON THE BACK."

I LOVE HANGING OUT WITH MY DAD.

NOT SUCH A FAN OF HANGING OUT WITH MY DAD WHEN HE'S WITH HIS FRIENDS,

'CAUSE HIS FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES TO BE VERY FUNNY.

BUT I FIND THEM TO BE PAINFULLY UN-FUNNY.

YOU EVER HANG OUTWITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE.

LIKE THIS'LL KEEP THEM GOIN' FOR 45 MINUTES.

ONE OF 'EM WILL BE LIKE"IT'S NOT TARGET. IT'S TARGET."

I'M LIKE "SOMEBODY PUNCH ME IN THE CROTCH. THIS IS AWFUL.

SERIOUSLY. CUT IT OUT."

ONE OF MY DAD'S FRIENDSKNOWS I'M A COMIC,

SO HE'S ALWAYS TRYING TO SAY THINGS THAT ARE FUNNY. THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

I DON'T WALK INTO HIS HOUSE LIKE "THE FUN ARRIVED.

WACKA WACKA WACKA." RIGHT?I DON'T DO THAT.

SO I'M JUST HANGING OUTMINDING MY OWN BUSINESS,

HE YELLS FROM ACROSS THE ROOM SOMETHING HE THINKS IS FUNNY.

HE'S LIKE "WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN,

'CAUSE YOUR HUSBAND'SGOTTA LOW SPERM COUNT?"

"UH, CAN WE AGREETHAT THAT'S A HORRIFYINGQUESTION TO BE ASKED?"

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW. IT [BLEEP] TASTE LIKE IT."

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH. YES. OH, YES. WOW.

HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

HE WAS JUST STANDING THERE LIKE "WHAT?"

"WHY DON'T YOU GET BACK IN YOUR KRAFTMATIC ADJUSTABLE BED

"AND EAT SOME SOUP. I WIN.

TRY NOT TO DIE."

[LAUGHTER]

OUT OF COLLEGE,WAY TOO MANY.

AND ALL MY FRIENDS THAT I'M IN THEIR WEDDING,

THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING. THEY'RE LIKE,

"THESE ARE NOT BRIDESMAIDS DRESSES, LADIES.

THESE ARE DRESSES YOU CAN WEAR OVER AND OVER AGAIN."

AND THEN THEY PULL OUT SOMETHING TAFFETA,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHERE DO YOU HANG OUT THAT YOU CAN--"

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SHOWING UP TO THEIR HOUSE ON A RANDOM THURSDAY,

A YEAR AFTER THE WEDDING, JUST WEARING THE DRESS

- FOR NO REASON. YEAH. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. THAT'S WHENYOU USE THE FRONT DOOR.YOU RING THE DOORBELL.

THEY OPEN IT UP, AND YOU'RE LIKE, "TADA! YOU WERE RIGHT!

I'VE HAD THIS BITCH ON FOR A WEEK AND IT IS COMFY!"

WHY WOULD YOUR FRIENDS MAKE YOU WEAR AN UGLY DRESS?

'CAUSE IT'S THEIR WEDDING, NOT YOURS.

MY FRIENDS WEREN'T EVEN NICE. THEY'RE LIKE "CAN THE DRESS

SHOW MORE BACK FAT? LET'S GET THESE TIGHTER."

DID YOU SAY "BACK FAT?" I DON'T THINK I WANNA BE IN YOUR WEDDING ANYMORE."

YOU EVER GET A GIFT FROM SOMEBODY

- "DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?" - [LAUGHTER]

HAPPENED TO ME A COUPLE OF TIMES.

MY BROTHERBOUGHT ME ROLLER BLADES.HERE'S WHAT I DID.

AS I WAS OPENING IT UP, I WAS LIKE, "CALM DOWN, MEGAN,

MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING COOL IN A ROLLER BLADE BOX."

I MADE MY DISAPPOINTMENT MORE INTENSE.

THAT DIDN'T NEED TO HAPPEN. THEN I OPEN IT UP,

AND I WAS LIKE, "DOUBLE DONKEY PUNCH, THESE ARE ROLLER BLADES."

FIVE OF YOU ARE LAUGHING,BUT THE REST OF THE ROOM'S LIKE,

"WHY WOULD SHE PUNCH A PONY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND--"

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, NEW YORK.

I'M A LITTLEOVER-SENSITIVE TO SEXISM

AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSEI HAD A GRANDPA. YEAH.

I HAD A RAGING SEXIST GRANDPA.

AND I COULD ALWAYS TELL HE WAS SEXIST

BY THE CHRISTMAS GIFTSHE WOULD GET US,

'CAUSE HE WOULD BUY BULK GIFTS.

HE HAD A LOT OF GRANDCHILDREN,

SO ALL THE BOYSWOULD GET THE SAME GIFT

AND ALL THE GIRLSWOULD GET THE SAME GIFT.

SO, HE'D BE LIKE,"FELLAS, GATHER AROUND.

GRANDPA'S GOT YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFT."

AND THEY'RE ALL EXCITED.

AND HE HOLDS UP,"THIS IS A FOOTBALL, HUH, BOYS?"

AND TOSS IT TO ONE OF 'EM."YEAH, LEARN TO PLAY THIS SPORT.

LADIES LOVE AN ATHLETE." SLAP ONE OF 'EM ON THE ASS.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOYS."AND THEY'RE LIKE, "YA!"

RIGHT? NOW IT'S OUR TURN. "GATHER 'ROUND, LADIES.

IT'S TIME FOR YOUR GIFT." AND WE'RE LIKE, "SWEET!"

AND HE'S LIKE "THIS HERE IS A TYPEWRITER." "WHAT?"

"YEAH, LEARN TO USE THIS. GET YOURSELF A SKILL,

"SO YOU CANLAND YOURSELF A HUSBAND."THERE'S MORE.

THIS IS A JUMP ROPE. NOBODYLIKES TO BANG A FAT SECRETARY."

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT DRINKING TONIGHT, MOSTLY 'CAUSE WHEN I DRINK,

I SEEM TO THINK THAT I'M IN A RACE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVER DO THAT.

WHERE YOU GETRIGHT IN SOMEONE'S FACE

AND YOU'RE LIKE "I'M WINNING!"AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?""SORRY, I VOMITED ON YOUR SHOES,

BUT YOU GOTTA CROSS THE FINISH LINE."

LAST TIME I GOT DRUNKWITH MY FRIENDS, I GOT SO DRUNK

THAT I WAS NO LONGER BEING SERVED ALCOHOL BASED ON THE WAY THAT I SOUNDED.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN TO THAT POINT

IN THE NIGHT, IT'S NOT GOOD WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER CLEARLY COMMUNICATE YOUR DRINK NEEDS

TO THE BARTENDER. BUT IN YOUR HEAD,

YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE DRUNK YET.

YOU HAVEN'T CAUGHT UP. I WAS STANDING AT THE BAR

WAITING FOR MY TURN TO ORDER, AND IT WAS MY TURN TO ORDER.

EVERYONE BUT ME KNEW IT. I WAS JUST STANDING THERE LIKE

"AHHHHHH. EHHHHHH. ARRRRRRRGH."

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE"DID YOU JUST GROWL?"

NOW I'M EMBARRASSED.I WAS LIKE "I'M A LION."

THAT'S THE BEST I COULD DO.

SOMEONE BOUGHT ME A MARTINI, AND I PROCEEDED TO DRINK IT

LIKE I WAS A KITTY CAT. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID THAT.

IT TOOK ME 20 MINUTES TO FINISH MY DRINK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD TO GO TO THE BACK OF THE BAR

AND PRACTICE HOW TO ORDER A DRINK.

WHEN YOU NEED TO REMOVE YOURSELF

FROM YOUR FRIENDS TO COME UP WITH A STRATEGY

FOR SOUNDING SOBER ENOUGH TO BE SERVED MORE ALCOHOL,

THE FUN IS BEHIND YOU.YOU SHOULD JUST CALL ITA NIGHT AND GO HOME.

NOT ME. I WAS LIKE, "LEAVE ME ALONE,

I HAVE TO FOCUS." I WAS BY MYSELF IN THE BACK OF THE BAR LIKE,

"I WOULD LIKE A MILLER LITE.

"I WOULD LIKE A MILLER LITE.

"COULD I PLEASE H--NO, STICK TO THE SCRIPT.

DON'T BE A HERO." YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'VE BEEN THERE.

"I WOULD LIKE A MILLER LITE." THEN I GOT ALL CONFIDENT.

I WENT STRAIGHT UP TO THE BAR, PUT MY MONEY DOWN.

I WAS LIKE"I JUST NEED ONE NINER--[BLEEP." AND I PANICKED.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.I HAD TO GO ALL THE WAYTO THE BACK OF THE BAR

AND PRACTICE FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES,

BECAUSE APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T GET SERVED ALCOHOL WHEN YOU SCREAM OBSCENITIES

AT THE BARTENDER. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

I FINALLY ORDERED PERFECTLY. "I WOULD LIKE A MILLER LITE."

AND THE BARTENDER GOES,"YOU WILL GET NOTHING!"

HE YELLED AT ME. AND IT WAS HORRIBLE,

BUT IT GOT WORSE 'CAUSE MY FRIENDS HEARD IT.

NOW THEY'RE LIKE, "OH OH OH OH OH!"

I WAS LIKE, "SHUT UP!" HE GOES,"YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH ALCOHOL

TO KILL A PONY." I DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR THAT.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SPEAK A FULL SENTENCE IN FOUR HOURS.

NOW I GOTTA DEFEND MYSELF? AND I DID.

I WAS LIKE "I DO NOT DRINKTO KILL ANIMALS."

- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE] - YEAH.

THEN I MOON-WALKED OUTTA THE BAR,

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I SETTLE A DISPUTE.

I GET RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. I'M LIKE "YOU WANNA DANCE THIS BITCH OUT?" YEAH.

"NOT YOU." I'M LIKE, "TAKE IT."

EVERYONE GOT PICKED ON IN MY HOUSE.

SO WHEN I WASIN GRADE SCHOOL,

MY BROTHERS WOULD RUN INTO MY ROOM AT LIKE 3AM ON A SATURDAY

AND WAKE ME UP IN THAT PANIC.

THEY'D BE LIKE "YOU'RE LATE FOR SCHOOL!"

AND I'D BE LIKE, "HOLY CRAP!" I'D TAKE A SHOWER.

I'D BE EATIN' CHEERIOS BY MYSELF AT 4AM,

IN THE DARK WITH HUGE GLASSES ON.

"WHERE'S THE GD BUS? THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE LATE!"

MY BROTHERS USED TO LIFT WEIGHTS WHEN THEY WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

THEY WERE BIG INTO THE LIFTING OF THE WEIGHTS, WHICH SUCKED FOR US,

'CAUSE THEY WOULD COME HOME AND BE LIKE, "PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH AS HARD AS YOU CAN."

I WAS LIKE, "TONE IT DOWN, JANET RENO."

YEAH. SHE WASN'T EVEN THE ATTORNEY GENERAL THEN.

I JUST WAS HUGE INTO FLORIDA LAW.

- THAT IS TRUE ALMOST. - [LAUGHTER]

I LIKE THE OLYMPICS...

OR AT LEAST I DIDWHEN I WROTE THIS JOKE.

I LIKE THE OLYMPICS. LIKE EVERY TIME THEY END,

I GET SAD. YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'D ALWAYS HAVE THIS DREAM

THAT THE GUY COMING IN LAST FOR DIVING

IS GONNA DO A CANNON BALL FOR OUR AMUSEMENT.

WHY HAS THATNOT EVER HAPPENED ONCE?

ANYONE IN THIS ROOM COULD COME IN LAST.

WOULDN'T YOU TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM?

TRY TO GET ON SPORTS CENTER, RIGHT?

YEAH,THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYIN'.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - THANK YOU.

I WANNA TRAINAN OLYMPIC DIVER

JUST TO GET HIM INTO THE COMPETITION.

WE KNOW WE SUCK. WE'RE NOT GONNA WIN ANYTHING.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT. WE GET INTO THE COMPETITION.

IT'S GOTTA BE A GUY 'CAUSE NO GIRL WOULD EVER DO THIS.

AND THIS IS WHAT WE'D DO. IT'S OUR LAST DIVE.

HE GETS ON THE PLATFORM ANDHE DOES WHAT I CALL THE JUNEBUG.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE JUNEBUG IS?NO, YOU DON'T,

'CAUSE I MADE IT UP BUT I'LL TELL YOU.

JUMPS OFF THE PLATFORM AND DOES THIS THE WHOLE WAY DOWN.

YES. JUNEBUGGIN' IT!

NOW HE'S GOIN' FOR THE BELLY FLOP.

NOBODY REALLY BELIEVES HE'S GONNA DO IT.

THEY'RE ALL LIKE, "HE'LL TUCK." HE DOESN'T TUCK.

LAST SECOND, TURNS HIS FACE TO THE SIDE,

SMACK RIGHT ON THE WATER. WHY WOULD HE TURN HIS FACE?

SO ONLY HALF HIS FACE IS RED WHEN IT BOBS OUT OF THE WATER

TO LOOK AT HIS SCORE. THAT'S NOT EVEN THE BEST PART.

THE BEST PART IS HE'S SITTING IN THE POOL STILL WAITING FOR HIS SCORE.

THE JUDGES HOLD UP A ZERO. TAKES HIS SPEEDO OFF

AND WHIPS IT ATONE OF THE JUDGES, YEAH.

YEAH. IT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT? NOW WE GOTTA CRAZY NAKED GUY

WITH HALF A RED FACE SWIMMIN' AROUND IN THE POOL.

AND HE'S NOT GETTIN' OUTFOR THE NEXT DIVER.

EVERYONE'S PANICKED.BUT MY FRIENDS AND I ARE

ON THE SIDELINES CHANTING, "USA! USA!"

WHY? BECAUSE HE'S FROM CANADA,THAT'S WHY. YEAH!

YOU! YOU DON'T MAKE 'EM FROM HERE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LACKS VOLUME CONTROL. THAT'S PERTINENT TO THE STORY.

THIS IS WHAT SHE YELLS.IT WAS A CROWDED ROOM.

SHE GOES, "I'M NOTUSING CONDOMS ANYMORE."

IT'S LIKE, "WHOA. NOR ARE YOU STARTING THE CONVERSATIONS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU DON'T OPEN WITH THAT."

SHE'S GOES "THEY RUIN THE MOOD." "OH, MAYBE THEY DO,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE RUINS THE MOOD? WHAAA! WHAAA!"

- YEAH! - YEAH, BUDDY.

TWO AT A TIME, THAT'S HOW MY COMEDY WORKS.

I SHARED A ROOM WITH MY SISTER.

SHARING A ROOM WITH A SIBLING IS NOT LIKE GOING TO COLLEGE.

YEAH. NO ONE SEEMED TO CARE THAT I WAS A NON-SMOKER

THAT DIDN'T LISTEN TO JOURNEY, NO.

THAT DIDN'T FACTOR INTO IT. WE FOUGHT ALL THE TIME,

'CAUSE WE HAD NOTHING IN COMMON, RIGHT?

EVEN TO THIS DAY SHE'S LIKE, "WE SHOULD RUN A MARATHON."

I'M LIKE, "ERIN, YOU CAN'T GO FROM MY LEVEL OF ACTIVITY

INTO A MARATHON. "MAYBE A GOOD START FOR ME

IS NOT TAKINGTHE CAR TO GET THE MAIL.MAYBE THAT'S WHERE--"

YEAH. BUT EVEN THAT, I'M LIKE,

"I DON'T WANNA GET SHIN SPLINTS."

EVERY TIME WE FOUGHT,MY DAD WOULD SAY THE SAME THING.

HE'D GO, "WORK IT OUT, LADIES."

AND WE'RE LIKE "DID YOU JUST CALL US LADIES?

THANKS, COACH. JUST EARNED YOURSELF ANOTHER CLIP BOARD

FOR FATHER'S DAY, YOU A-[BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS HORRIBLE AT FIGHTING. I LOST EVERY ARGUMENT,

SO BY AGE TEN, I STOPPED ARGUING.

I JUST STARTED LAUNCHING A SERIES OF PERSONAL ATTACKS

THAT WEREN'T EVENRELATED TO THE ARGUMENT.

YOU EVER FIGHT LIKE THAT? IT'S A QUICK WAY TO WIN.

SHE'D BE LIKE "YOU CAN'T WEAR MY SWEATER." AND I'D BE LIKE

"YOU'RE A WHORE." YEAH, THEN I WOULD TAP-DANCE FOR SEVEN TO TEN MINUTES.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO START ARGUMENTS KNOWING MY PARENTS WOULD HEAR

THE WHOLE THING, AND THEN THEY WOULD COME IN AND BE ON MY SIDE.

THAT ONLY WORKS ONCE. PEOPLE CATCH ON.

LAST TIME I DID THAT, I WAS LIKE, "WHY DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST WEAR MY CLOTHES

WHENEVER YOU WANT WITHOUT ASKING?"

MY PARENTS ARE COMING IN TO SAVE ME, AND SHE GOES,

"'CAUSE I BOUGHT YOU A PREGNANCY TEST YESTERDAY."

"HEY! HEY! HEY! YOU CAN HAVE THE SWEATER."

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE HANGING OUT WITH MY MOM.

TO IDENTIFY SOMEONE'S SEXUALITY.YOU EVER KNOW SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

YOU COULD BE GAYER THAN GAY, MY MOM WOULDN'T KNOW IT.

YOU COULD BELEADING THE GAY PARADE,MY MOM WOULD BE LIKE,

"YOU TWIRL A HELLUVA BATON, SIR.

"I HAVE GOT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS.

"THAT IS A FANCY SHIRT.YOU MADE THAT?

AHHH, CARRIE, HE COOKS AND SEWS!" YEAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ISN'T THAT CUTE?

HALF MY FRIENDS ARE GAY. SHE STILL DOESN'T SEE IT.

SHE'S LIKE "WHO'S A LESBIAN, THAT WOMAN IN THE TUXEDO?

"I DON'T THINK SO, MEGAN. MAYBE SHE KNOWS MAGIC

OR WORKS IN AFANCY RESTAURANT, HUH?"

[LAUGHTER]

I SOUND LIKE MY MOM, WHICH IS NICE.

IT STARTED IN LIKE EIGHTH GRADE.

I USED TO ANSWER THE PHONE, AND HER FRIENDS WOULD JUST

TALK TO ME LIKE I WAS HER. AND THAT WAS HORRIBLE,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE YOUNGER,YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PHONE SKILLS.

YOU'RE JUST A KID. I'D PICK UP THE PHONE.

MY MOM'S FRIENDS ARE CRAZY. THEY'D LAUNCH RIGHT INTO IT.

YOU'D BE LIKE, "HELLO." AND THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, JAN.

"THIS IS JOANIE. I JUST BOUGHT THE LIONEL RITCHIE CD

AND IT'S FANTASTIC." I'D BE LIKE,

"WHY DON'T YOU RAM IT UP YOUR CAN." CLICK.

'CAUSE I ALWAYS THOUGHTTHAT WAS FUNNY.

MY MOM WOULD BE LIKE,"THAT WASN'T VERY NICE.

THAT PERSONMUST THINK YOU'RE RUDE."

AND I'D BE LIKE, "NOT REALLY, MOM.

THEY KIND OF THINK YOU'RE RUDE."

"YOU NEED TO GET SOME PHONE SKILLS.

IT'S TEARING THIS FAMILY APART."

I HAD TO STOP DOIN' IT,'CAUSE MY DAD CALLEDTHE HOUSE ONE DAY.

DON'T EVER PRETEND TO BE ONE OF YOUR PARENTS

WHEN THE OTHER ONE'S ON THE LINE.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.IT'S TRAGIC.

I WAS LIKE, "HELLO?" MY DAD GOES, "IS THAT YOU?"

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH! WHAT DO YOU NEED!"

I'M ALL EXCITED. HE GOES, "OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU ANSWERED.

- I'M SO HORNY."- [LAUGHTER]

"HOLD, PLEASE. I'M GONNA GET MOM THEN STAB MYSELF IN THE HEAD."

- THAT IS THE SICKEST-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE SICKEST THINGI'VE EVER HEARD,

AND I NEVER PRETENDED TO BE HER AGAIN,

'CAUSE WHEN YOUR DAD TELLS YOU HE'S HORNY,

"GAME OVER, BUDDY. YOU WIN." THANK YOU GUYS, VERY MUCH.

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