January 25, 2016 - Rand Paul Talks Donald Trump's Candidacy

  • 01/25/2016

Dr. Rand Paul diagnoses a GOP malady, and Larry discusses Donald Trump's divisive presidential campaign with Marlon Wayans, Rory Albanese and Holly Walker.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

Aw, I appreciate it.Such a good crowd. Um...

All right, tonight's show,I'm just gonna talk

about what foundation I wear.Um...

It was one of the questionsfrom earlier.

Um, I still have no idea.But, uh...

(chuckling)

Well, we still have a great showfor you tonight.

Marlon Wayans joining uson the panel tonight.

He's got a new film coming out.

Very funny young man,

very talented actoras... uh, as well.

Man, that was some stormover the weekend.

Good L... Were you guys...Hey, was that much stronger

than I thought a stormnamed Jonas could be.

I mean, I thought it would startout strong and then break up.

Leaving me just coldon the inside.

Just sayin'.

Just got to share this stuffwith you guys.

There was one great thingthat came out of the storm.

Take a look at this footagefrom the National Zoo.

(audience awwing)

Aw...

A portly animal luxuriatingin the whiteness,

which brings us to Donald Trump.Okay.

-Now... Yes. Yes.-(cheering and applause)

Hold on.(clears throat)

Now, yesterday,Trump found a new ethnic group

for his followers to kick out,Sikhs.

REPORTER: ...and one protester.

The man in the red turban interrupted Trump

as he spoke about terrorism,

-Bye! -security escorting the man out.

-The crowd went wild. -USA! USA!

You know, I thinkit's time for us to update

our Trump Hate Bingo card.

And, um, helping us out with itthis evening,

The Nightly Show's own Grace Parra, everybody.

-Hi.-(cheering and applause)

Oh, my God, Larry, the TrumpHate Bingo card is on fire.

I can't believe he insultedSikhs. Put it on the board.

-♪ -Wow.

You know, somebody at homemust have won

-Trump Hate Bingo at this point.-I-I agree.

Grace, can you tell us alittle bit more about the Sikhs?

Sure. Sikhs are membersof the fifth largest religion

in the world, which originatedin 15th century India.

Its tenets are equality,service, justice,

and the preciousness of life.

And its male followerswear turbans,

so they're frequently mistakenfor Muslims.

And its followers have oftenbeen the victims of hate crimes

here in the United States.

Wow. Cool.

I mean, no,that's pretty (bleep) up.

Don't forgetthat's the future president

you're ridiculing right now.

-Oh, that's right. (laughs)-(laughs)

Grace Parra, everybody.

-Kill me!-Thank you, Grace.

Now...

But Trump doesn't just surroundhimself with hateful supporters.

He hires them.

I mean, take Trump campaign ad,Katrina Pierson,

who wrote this tweet backin 2013 about President Obama.

"This corrupt country hasa head Negro in charge."

"Head Negro"? What is this,a train car in the 1940s?

For those of you playingHate Bingo at home,

that expression is actuallyHNIC, which actually means

"Head Nigga in Charge."

That's what it actually means.

So I'm sorry, Katrina.You called Obama a nigga.

You did it. You did.You can't trick me.

That's what you were saying.

Then what do... Black people,from now, let's just stay away

from anything named Katrina.

Please?

Can we just do that?

And remember, Trump hired herafter she tweeted this.

"Head Negro in charge.She's smart.

I like her way with words.That's good."

And Katrina Piersonalso twat this.

Uh...(chuckling)

"Perfect Obama's dad bornin Africa,

"Mitt Romney's dad bornin Mexico.

Any pure breeds left?"

-(gasping, groaning) -Shetweeted that, I think, in 2012.

We get it, Katrina.Message received.

You want to be an Oscar voter.I understand.

All right. Enough.

So these are the people thatTrump surrounds himself with,

and he's proud of it.

It doesn't even hurthis campaign.

And his poll numberskeep going up.

In fact,Trump himself can't believe

how indestructiblehis following is.

TRUMP: I have the most loyal people. Did you ever see that?

Where I could standin the middle of Fifth Avenue

and shoot somebody and Iwouldn't lose any voters, okay?

It's, like, incredible.

You're going to make a jokeabout shooting somebody

and getting away with it?

Can you imagineif the head Negro in charge

had made this jokewhen he was running for office?

Right? Do you think he wouldhave been put in charge

of all of our weapons?

The police would have been thereso quick at that rally.

I mean, Fox News almost (bleep)their pants

when he and Michellefist-bumped.

They called it, like,a terrorist fist jab.

Like he's saying,"Give me something, baby.

"Once we get into office, we'regonna shoot all these (bleep).

"Yeah. That's right.That's right.

That's right.That's what we're gonna do."

And we've said it beforeand we need to say it again:

Trump's a troll, you guys.

-(audience agreeing)-He is.

He's just likethat little troll doll.

Seriously, everything he doesis troll-like.

I mean, he trolls his opponents

and he-he trolls... he trollsthe other candidates.

He trolls anyone who saysanything negative about him.

He even trolls every reporterwho tries to interview him.

He's the one that dictates theterms of all those interviews.

And now it's-it's almost likehe's acquired some kind of,

like, magical troll powers

that-thatare even surprising him,

powers that won't even let himlose at this point.

-I've never seen anything...-You got that right, Larry!

-You got it right, baby.Trump time! -Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God, he's trolling meright now! -What's up, losers?

-Trump Troll, everybody!-Yeah.

Larry, you're absolutely right.Let me just say this.

I'm trying to losethis election, and I don't know

-how to do it.-Wait, wait. Wait, hold on.

You're trying to losethe election?

Of course I am.I don't want to be president.

I want to run beauty pageants

and scout outfourth wife candidates.

And why in the worldwould I want to fly around

in a smaller jet?

But I can't believe this.

The reason why you're doingthose crazy things

is that you're trying to lose?

Look, I just got into this thingto sell some books.

Now I can't get out.

How, what if I killed that pandain the snow?

Oh, my God, no!That adorable panda?

No, you're right.My supporters would just say

that I'm tough on China.

Man, they're really morons,these people.

That...I agree with you on that.

So, look, have you ever justthought of just quitting?

I mean, just being honestwith the American people

and-and sayingyou really don't want this.

Sor-Sorry, Larry,I wasn't paying attention.

I was just retweeting somethinga white supremacist wrote.

Uh... Anyway, thanksfor the talk. I got to go.

See you, losers!

All right.Donald Trump Troll, everybody!

-We'll be right back.-(cheering and applause)

-(applause and cheering)-Welcome back.

Though Trump keeps gainingamong Republican voters,

one conservative magazine issmearing the GOP frontrunner.

MAN:The influential National Review

is unveiling a special issue

that opposes Trump's runfor the White House.

Inside, a blistering editorialcalls Trump,

"A menaceto American conservatism."

Wow. A menaceto American conservatism.

And this is the magazine thatcalled Sarah Palin "The One."

-(laughter and groaning)-Yeah. Yeah.

All right, so,why does the National Review

see Trump more clearlythan so many Republican voters?

Well, we thoughtwe'd take a closer look

with our Nightly Show optics examination,

brought to you by Warby Parker.

"Warby Parker: get more eyesfrom your four eyes!"

-(laughter)-Mm-hmm.

All right, to help mewith today's exam,

please welcome our newnightly show optics expert,

real-life eye surgeonand Kentucky senator Rand Paul.

(cheers and applause)

All right.Welcome to the show, Rand.

Have a seat.

(cheers and applause)

Our crowd. Oh, yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks. Uh, thanksfor taking the time

to be on our... our... beingour Nightly Sh optics expert.

Okay, so, uh, I mean, I assumed

you'd be too busywith the presidential debates.

And I'm gonna be,like, a correspondent, right?

Uh, Larry, you're breaking upa little bit. Could you...?

-WILMORE: No, no, no,you're sitting right here. -No?

Oh, I'm right herebeing the... Okay.

WILMORE: Yeah. Exactly.Uh, okay, so...

(laughs)

So, now,as an eye surgeon, uh...

uh, what's your takeon Donald Trump?

-(laughter)-Well, you know, Larry,

have you ever had a speckof dirt fly into your eye?

Yeah, I mean,that's really annoying, yup.

-Yeah.-Mm-hmm.

Annoying, irritating.

Might even make you cry.

(laughter)

Sure. Sure.I'm with you.

-But if the dirt doesn't goaway... -WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

...it'll keep scratching awayat your cornea

until it eventually blinds youwith all its filth, and then,

it makes fun of you on CNN.

(laughter)

Think you got a little personalin there, uh...

I got it. So you're sayingthe eye is a conservative voter,

and Donald Trump isthe speck of dirt, right?

-No, Larry.-WILMORE: Uh-uh?

Donald Trump isa delusional narcissist

and an orange-faced windbag.

-(laughter and groaning)-WILMORE: Huh.

(applause and cheering)

WILMORE:Yeah?

A speck of dirt is waymore qualified to be president.

-(applause and cheering)-Well said.

Our new correspondent,Rand Paul, everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you. You're breaking upa bit, Larry.

-WILMORE: No, you don't haveto do that. -Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, thanks for having funwith us.

Do you have time to answera couple questions, actually?

That-that was very good.Did you have fun doing it?

If... Are they easy... easyquestions? -Very easy questions.

-All right, all right.-Uh, this is very easy.

Why are you runningin the Republican Party?

I don't understand that.

I mean, you're pro-weed.

-Uh, you're like...-No, no, no.

-I'm just not anti-weed.-No, you're pro-weed. You're...

No, no, no,I'm just not anti-weed.

-No, no. No, no, no, no, no.-Okay. Whatever you say.

You-you help peoplewith their glaucoma.

-You're pro-weed, right? Okay.-(laughter)

Anti-prison industrial complex.

You've talked, uh, veryeloquently about prison reform.

Is there, like, a middle ground

-of people that you're lookingfor... -Well...

...that aren't Republican,aren't Democrat?

Are there people in there?Like, huge...?

There are people from both sidesthat we're trying to get.

Yeah. Okay.

From the right, there are peoplewho believe in economic liberty.

From the left, there are peoplewho believe in personal liberty.

And really what we're tryingto do is join liberty together

to say, you know what?Across the board,

-government ought to stay outof your life. -WILMORE: Uh-huh.

Jeb Bush said he'd go back intime and kill baby Hitler, okay?

Um, would you go back in time

and stop baby Trumpfrom being born?

(laughter)

You know, I'm not sure I wouldsay that Trump is Hitler.

-Goebbels maybe.-WILMORE: I'm not saying that.

Goebbels maybe,but I'm not saying Hitler.

-I'm not going there.-Really? So, you're really...

You're going there, then.

No, no, no.I've said he wasn't Hitler.

-WILMORE: No, you just wentthere. -No, no, no, I...

I steadfastly said he wasnot Hitler, but maybe Goebbels.

But I have seriouslycompared him to Gollum

from The Lord of the Rings.

Yes, I understandwhere Gollum is from, right.

-You know, "My precious."-Yes.

You know, the ring,the ring of power.

That's very scary whatyou just did, by the way.

-Yeah, I know. I know.-(laughter)

-But what I've been tryingto tell people... -Yes.

-What worries mostabout Trump... -What is that?

...other than allof the other crazy things

is that I believe thathe wants power, and I believe,

from my point of view,that power corrupts,

and that the whole purposeof our founding fathers

and our country wasto contain power.

The Constitution was to restrainthe size of government...

-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.-...and keep power at a minimum.

And I don't want powerto gravitate

to a Republican or a Democrat.

-Yes, go ahead.-(applause and cheering)

You are certainlyyour own candidate.

You don't... you don't seemto follow any side.

You follow your own path, andI think that's really something.

All right, are you readyto play Keep It 100?

To answera Keep It 100 question?

-That. Okay.-(applause and cheering)

-PAUL: Was I really goodat this game? -Yes. No.

-You have to do this.-Oh, yeah.

You have to keep your answer100% real.

Ready? Okay,other than Donald Trump--

you can't mention Trump, okay--

who is the biggest dick

of all the GOP candidatesright now?

And I know you have an answer.

Larry, I thinkyou're breaking up here.

-Um, can you, uh, help us,uh...? -WILMORE: Who is it?

-Come on. Who is it?-(audience shouting out)

You know, before...

Just say Ted Cruz. Just say it.

He's the biggest tool, right?

Just say,"Ted Cruz is a tool, Larry."

-Yeah.-Just say that.

-See, before we came on here...-Just say, Ted Cruz is a tool.

Please, just say it. Justsay it, damn it! Just say it!

Before we came on here...

-Before... before... -WILMORE:Just say Ted Cruz is a tool.

-Ah.-Rand Paul, everybody!

-That's all we got.-(applause and cheering)

-He's got to take all the tea.-Thank you.

You got...

Okay, welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Rory Albanese.

-Yeah.-(applause and cheering)

And Nightly Show contributorHolly Walker.

(applause and cheering)

And his new movie, Fifty Shades of Black,

opens this Friday, January 29,comedian,

very talented actorMarlon Wayans.

(applause and cheering)

And for everyone at home,

join our conversation right nowon Twitter @NightlyShow

using the hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, so, I have to talkabout Trump's statement

from this weekend, that he couldshoot someone on 5th Avenue...

ALBANESE:Oh, my God.

...and not lose any voters.

I agree with Trump.

(laughter)

Reactions?

Well, okay, Larry, 5th Avenueis a very long street.

WILMORE:Yeah.

Like, if he shot someonearound Tiffany,

he might be ableto get away with it.

But if he shot someoneup in Spanish Harlem,

he might get shot back.

-ALBANESE: That's true.-You know?

But his supporters...

He may... in certain partsof, like, Red Hook

-in the Bronx...-WILMORE: Sure.

...he actuallymay get some more voters

'cause he got street cred now.

-Yo, Trump shot somebody!-ALBANESE: Yeah.

WILMORE:Exactly. It will...

It will work out to his benefit.

I agree, though.It depends on who...

'Cause, like,Abercrombie & Fitch is there,

and you shoot oneof those shirtless guys,

I feel like,you're-you're president.

You know what I mean?Like, nobody likes those guys.

-Exactly. -Standing off to theside with... in the winter

-with no shirt on. -But as sillyas it is, he could...

-With a six-pack-- how dare you?-With a six-pack--

how... Who do you think you are?-Who do you think you are?

What y'all... Hell, I'll punchyou in the stomach.

I am okay with that, guys,I am okay with that.

That... Those guys are,like, bulletproof anyway.

No, it's... it does feel likehe could do anything egregious

and people just don't care.I just don't understand it.

I don't know what this pheno...

I've never seenanything like this.

He's like a bad guyin wrestling, you know?

The more despicable they are,

-the more you chant,"USA! USA! USA!" -Right, right.

Hasn't he done that?Hasn't he gone to WWE and, like,

-been the bad guy?-Yeah, no, he was.

He's, like, wrestled...He's-he's, like,

actually gotten in the ring.And it makes sense

-that the president woulddo that. -One of the debates...

One of the debates, uh...

One of the debates, he hitChris Christie with a chair.

-I think.-Yeah, that's right.

-Yeah.-I think. I think it was

-one of the debates.-Hit him with a chair.

-I'm pretty sure.-Oh, they don't let them sit

at the debates.They have to stand.

-But what gets me, also...-Trump don't debate.

-I know. -He justroasts the other guy, like...

-He does. -He just...You know, it... -He's like,

-humiliating people.-He's crazy.

-I know. -Hey, yeah,Hillary, that's why

your husband bangs other men!

-(gasps)-Wha... What?

-Other women!-I like where you...

That's... She's even...She's like,

"Well, that's his business."

-Yeah. I like... -It takes himback... -Are you advi...

Are you advising himfor the general campaign?

-Exactly.-You know, Trump...

Trump scares me'cause he talks like he got...

-He talks like he got a gun.Like... -What do you mean?

-What do you mean? -He talkslike he's not afraid of nothing.

Like, "I dare youto say something,

-I'll-I'll bust a capin your ass." -Okay. Like...

-He just talks that way.-You think

-he's packing at the debates.-He's packing.

-Really? -He has to be. I thinkhe got snipers everywhere,

the way he be talking (bleep).He has to.

Or he can pay for someoneto get rid of you.

He got the sniper in his hair.Like, "I dare you, go ahead."

Like...

-WALKER: It's a little...-ALBANESE: Makes it so tiny.

-He just pops up.-WALKER: Little tiny sniper.

ALBANESE:He's just a tiny little sniper.

No, he... And they're wearingone... they're wearing one

of those sniper suits, you know?Like where they go invisible?

-His, like, hair.-Yeah, it's just-it's just

made out of his hair.That's an amazing...

I also feel like Trumpgoes out of his way to tell us

exactly who he is. He says,"No, America, I am a sexist.

"Look what I said about MegynKelly. No, no, no, listen to me.

"I'm a racist. Ban all Muslims.

-Mexicans-- rapists. Why aren'tyou listening to me?" -Yeah.

How come peopledon't believe him

-when he keeps trying to tell uswho he is? -No, I... I think

the scary part is they doand he's winning.

-Yes, that is correct.-That's the scary part, yeah.

I feel like a lot of peoplein this country are like,

"It's about time."You know what I mean?

Why I made that guy Southern...I apologize. But the point is...

the point is, Larry...

-WILMORE: Sure.-I'm assuming he is.

The point is... No, I-I thinkit... That's, to me,

-what the scariest part is, ishe's being... -WILMORE: Uh-huh.

I... Here's what's weirderthan anything:

everything Obama said for eightyears, they compared him

-to Hitler. Everything.-WILMORE: Right.

And it doesn't matterwhat he did. They were like,

"This guy's Hitler."O... Trump is standing

in front of large groupsof white people with bad hair

yelling about getting ridof races of people from

this country. No one's callinghim Hitler. That seems odd.

This seems like the timeto bring out the Hitler analogy.

Yeah, but hold on,Rory, hold on.

-It does.-But Rory...

-I mean, look...-Rory, but Rory...

-In all fairness to Hitler...-I agree, I agree.

-But Rory, your Hitler analogystarts with bad hair? -Yeah.

-Yeah. No, Hitler had...-It's true-- the crazier

-they are,the worse the haircut.

Hitler's haircut was wack.His fade was...

-All of his hair was crazy.-So Supercuts.

-'Cause his... -All of his hairwas crazy. -Look at that dude

in-in Korea. His Supercut--it's a little crazy.

All of his hair, he had hair...And, all of it, it was crazy.

Yeah, he had, like, a, like,a lemon tree thing going on.

You feel hair was at the rootof Hitler's problem?

-No, I think it was crazyand then... -Grooming.

...the crazy reflects your hair,'cause you stop caring

-about that first. -It does.It's like there's toxics

in your brainthat make the hair go crazy.

WILMORE: Charlie Chaplinlooked the same way.

-ALBANESE: I don't know. I mean,if he ran for president we'd be

having a different conversation.-WAYANS: His was friendly crazy.

Yeah. Well, he had the mustache,

-but not actually the hair.-Yeah. Yeah, he didn't...

He wore a hat a lot.You know, I don't know.

If you put a little haton Hitler,

-it's not as intimidating.It's not as... -Yeah.

-Give him a hat and a cane.-Do that little thing

and people... You know,he's not as intimi...

What also gets me about Trumpis that he's so impulsive.

He just-he just acts, you know?

Do we really want a presidentthat that's impulsive?

-Well, we're all...-Next to the button.

We're all impulsive.I-I don't think we want

someone that is that impulsive,but Americans are impulsive.

Like, that's why there's thoselittle impulsive grocery store

tidbits are in the line when yougo in there, because people

are impulsive. Like, I'vepurchased far too many PayDays

on an impulse. Like, that's...that's what we do as Americans.

-You think people relate tothat. -Yeah,

-they relate to that. -We'regonna get so many PayDays.

-Why do they relate toeverything he does? -But it's...

-it's not a nuclear button.-That is correct.

That's the one time you probablywouldn't be impulsive.

-That is correct.-People on the Family Feud--

-they think before they go,"Oh!" -Yeah, exactly. -Yeah.

-Exactly. -He would not do that.He, "Aah! Oh, (bleep)."

-Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.-I don't have an answer.

-WILMORE: The Family Feud. -By the way, the button...

the new button's exactly thesame as the Family Feud button.

-Lot of people don't know that.-Are you talking about

-the Family Feud button?-Yeah, yeah.

"And the secretary of defenseis... Survey says?"

And right after,you hit it. That's...

Last thing. Marlon, what is"Make America Great Again"?

What does that mean to youwhen you hear that?

Uh, when I hear that,it scares me.

It depends on what kind of greatAmerica are we talking out?

Because if it's, uh, pre-1964...

WILMORE:Uh-huh.

...or pre-1865...

I don't know if I wantto be a part of that America.

-But that period between1864 and 1964... -No, e-exactly.

And 1964, exactly. I don'twant to be a part of it.

I want nothing to do with it.

Okay.

We'll see.We'll be right back.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

ANNOUNCER: Grab some free tickets to attend

an upcoming taping of The Nightly Show.

-(cheering, applause)-Welcome back.

Though Trump keeps gainingamong Republican voters,

one conservative magazine issmearing the GOP frontrunner.

NEWSMAN: The influential National Review

is unveiling a special issue

that opposes Trump's run for the White House.

Inside, a blistering editorial calls Trump, quote,

"a menace to American conservatism."

Wow. "A menaceto American conservatism."

And this is the magazine

that called Sarah Palin"the one."

(laughter)

Yeah. Yeah.

All right,so why does the National Review

see Trump more clearlythan so many Republican voters?

Well, we thoughtwe'd take a closer look

with our Nightly Show optics examination,

brought to you by Warby Parker.

-♪ -"Warby Parker.

Get mo' eyes from yo fo' eyes."

(laughter)

All right, to help mewith today's exam,

please welcome ournew Nightly Sh optics expert,

real-life eye surgeonand Kentucky senator, Rand Paul.

(cheers and applause)

Hello, Rand.Welcome to the show.

Rand, have a seat.

(cheers and applause continue)

-Not bad. All right.-Hello. Oh...

Thanks for taking the time

to be... beingour Nightly Sh optics expert.

Okay, so, I mean,I assumed you'd be too busy

with the presidential debates.

And I'm gonna be, like,a correspondent, right?

Uh, Larry, you're breaking upa little bit.

-No, no, no, you'resitting right here. -No?

-Oh, I'm right here being the...Okay. -Yes. Exactly.

Uh, okay, so...(laughs)

so, now, as an eye surgeon,

uh...

uh, what's your takeon Donald Trump?

-Well... you know, Larry...-(laughter)

have you ever had a speckof dirt fly into your eye?

Yeah. I mean,that's really annoying. Yeah.

-Yeah.-Mm-hmm.

Annoying. Irritating.

Might even make you cry?

(laughter)

Sure, sure, I'm with you.

-But if the dirtdoesn't go away, -Mm-hmm.

it'll keep scratching awayat your cornea,

until it eventually blinds you

with all its filth, and thenit makes fun of you on CNN.

(laughter)

I think you gota little personal in there.

I got it.So you're saying the eye

is a conservative voter,

and Donald Trumpis the speck of dirt, right?

-No, Larry.-Mm-hmm.

Donald Trump isa delusional narcissist

-and an orange-faced windbag...-(audience ooh-ing)

-WILMORE: Wow.-(whooping, applause)

Okay.

A speck of dirtis way more qualified

-to be president.-(laughter)

-(whooping, applause)-Well said.

Our new correspondent,Rand Paul, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you.You're breaking up on me, Larry.

-No, you don't have to do that.-Oh, I'm sorry.

Thanks for having fun with us.

Do you have time to answera couple of questions, actually?

-Did you have fun doing that?-Are they easy questions?

-Very easy questions.-All right, all right.

Uh, this is very easy.Why are you still in the race?

(laughter)

Because no one's voted yet.-(laughs): Yes.

And if they vote for me,then I win,

and then I stayin the race forever,

and you have to cometo the White House,

and you have to say"Mr. President" to me.

Do you feel like you havea chance in Iowa right now?

-Absolutely.-Wait, where are you right now?

The interesting... I'mright in here in your studio.

No, no, no, no. Of courseyou're here in my studio.

Where are you in the...in the, uh, polls

that Trump holds so sacredin Iowa?

You know, we thinkwe're doing a lot better

than those polls, 'causewe have our own private polls

-that show us doing a lotbetter. -In your private polls,

you're killing itright now, right?

We're knocking itout of the ballpark.

No, but what I would say,see, we think we're gonna get

-a lot of younger voters,because, one, -Okay.

we don't think the governmentshould be collecting

-all your phone records...-Mm-hmm.

two, we don't thinkthe government

-ought to be putting youin jail for pot, -Mm-hmm.

-and... -Okay.-(applause, whooping)

-They're not too stoned to clap.That's good. -No, not at all.

Not this crowd. Absolutely.

-And number three...-Uh-huh.

What's one, two...Number three,

we don't think the governmentshould send you

to another warin the Middle East.

We think our interventions inthe Middle East have backfired,

that we can defend the country

-without making the sand glowover there. -Right. Good.

-(whooping, applause)-Um...

so... why are you running

(laughs):in the Republican Party?

I don't understand that.

I mean, you're pro-weed, uh...

-you're, like... -No, no, no,I'm just not anti-weed.

-No, you're pro-weed. -No, no,no, I'm just not anti-weed.

-No, no, no.-Okay. Whatever you say.

You help peoplewith their glaucoma.

-You're pro-weed, right? Okay.-(laughter)

Anti-prison industrial complex.

You've talked very eloquentlyabout prison reform.

-Absolutely.-And that sort of thing.

Why do you think college kidsaren't running to you

like they are to Bernie Sanders?

Well, I think some are.And if you want Santa Claus

and something free,they're going towards Bernie.

-(scattered jeers)-If you understand...

if you understand that, really,nothing in life is free,

-Mm-hmm.-but that you do want free-dom

and opportunity,they're coming our way.

You realize you just insultedall those kids

who could be votingfor you, right?

Well, you know, I thinkthat there are a lot of people

that are more realisticas to what they really want.

-We have some overlapbetween Bernie and I. -Okay.

But at the same time,I am a firm believer

that, uh, the economic systemof our country is incredible

-and has createdincredible wealth, -Uh-huh.

and that we don't want a systemwhere the government

would control the economy,because in order to do so,

-you would lose your personalfreedom as well. -Mm-hmm.

Well, Bernie doesn't wantto give away things for free.

I mean, he's talkedabout how to pay for things.

He's just, uh,his programs are designed

to help the people who aregetting (bleep) on right now.

-(applause) -Yeah,the only thing is, is that...

the only place whereI really agree with him

is that we should taxcomedians and hosts 90%.

-That I'm all for.-90%?

-I'm all for that. 90%.-Well, as long as senators

and presidents getthe same kind of tax.

If they give us the same salaryas comedians,

-I'm fine with that. -Right.Then that would be awesome.

Right. Uh, so why should peoplejump on the...

on the Paul train right nowat this point in time?

Because people have hearda lot of arguments,

-they heard the debate,-Right.

they've heard people...Why should they jump

-on your train right now?-Let's just say, hypothetically,

-you're a Republican,-Okay.

-and you don't wantto blow up the world, -Mm-hmm.

you don't think usingnuclear weapons should be our...

You know that womanyou've been putting up there

that works for Trump,you know what she also said?

-What did she say?-She said that the problem is,

is Trump does knowwhat the nuclear weapons are,

but is unsure whether he did,but he does know what they are,

and she said that...our biggest problem is,

we haven't been willing enoughto use our nuclear weapons.

That should scare us to death.

It should disqualify himfrom office.

All the other crazy stuffshe said, yes, crazy,

but do we really wanta commander in chief

who is eagerto use nuclear weapons?

-It should disqualify himfrom the debate. -No, I agree

that Trump is out of his... outof his mind, I agree with that.

But why the Paul train?

-Well, because...-Because "Trump crazy"

doesn't say "Paul train."

"Trump crazy" saysjust jump off that Trump train

-as fast as possible. Right?-Yeah.

-For a long time...-Like, in other words,

it seems likeyou're not connecting

with the Republican baseright now.

Well, I think the voteshaven't been counted.

But what I would say isthat there are people...

In your pollI know you're doing great.

We're doing great.We're doing great up here.

-No, but... -But is there,like, a middle ground

of people thatyou're looking for

that aren't Republican,aren't Democrat?

Are there people in there,like huge...

There are people from both sidesthat we're trying to get.

-Okay. -From the right,there are people

who believe in economic liberty.

From the left, there are peoplewho believe in personal liberty.

And really, what we're tryingto do is join liberty together

to say, you know what,across the board,

government oughtto stay out of your life.

Uh-huh. Why wouldn't youjust run as a Libertarian?

Does it sound too muchlike "librarian"

and you think peoplewould be bored by that?

(laughter)

People just aren't informedenough, are they, Rand?

-Well, the thing is, you laugh,you laugh... -I did laugh, yeah.

but here's the thing,is, you know,

we do really wellwith librarians.

-(laughter)-I'm not kidding you. -Yeah.

Librarians... librarians dig us,because, you know what?

Why do librarians dig you?

Librarians... I mean, one,they think it's really cool.

-Right.-You know? But, uh, they dig us

because we don't want to know

what everybody's readingin the library.

No, it makes sense,it makes sense.

Okay, let me ask you this.Um, Jeb Bush said

he'd go back in timeand kill baby Hitler.

Okay? Would you go back in time

and stop baby Trumpfrom being born?

(laughter)

You know, I'm not sure Iwould say that Trump is Hitler.

-Goebbels, maybe.-I'm not saying that.

Goebbels, maybe,but I'm not saying Hitler.

Really? So you're really...you're going there, then.

-No, no, no. I saidhe wasn't H... -No, you...

-No, no, no, I...-You just went there.

I steadfastly said he wasnot Hitler, but maybe Goebbels.

-Uh-huh.-(laughter)

So if you... you're sayingif you could slip something

into his drink,you might do it?

-You know, I do worry...-Not kill him, but maybe

Cosby him duringthe caucuses or something?

(laughter)

-I've been... I've been...-Just knock him out

before an important debateor something.

-Now, this is serious.-I am serious.

No, I'm being serious now.I'm gonna be serious with you.

-Yes. Please. -All right.I have not compared him

-to Hitler or Goebbels,seriously, -Yes.

but I have seriouslycompared him to Gollum.

-From The Lord of the Rings. -Yes, I understand

where Gollum is from.

You know, "My precious."

-Yes. -You know, the ring,the ring of power.

That's very scarywhat you just did, by the way.

-Yeah, I know, I know.-(laughter)

But... what I've been tryingto tell people is,

what worries me mostabout Trump,

-What is that? -other thanall the other crazy things,

is that I believethat he wants power,

and I believe, from my pointof view, that power corrupts,

and that the whole purposeof our Founding Fathers

in our country wasto contain power.

The Constitution wants torestrain the size of government

-Mm-hmm.-and keep power at a minimum.

And I don't want powerto gravitate

to a Republican or a Democrat.

I want to contain power,because I want the individual

-to be left free.-In the Paul household, right?

Well, you know, you know.I really am looking

for a presidencythat's not stronger.

I'm looking to give backthe power to the people.

-Well, I give you this, man,you... you... -(sparse clapping)

-Yeah. Go ahead.-(applause, whooping)

You are certainlyyour own candidate.

You don't... you don't seemto follow any side,

you follow your own path, and Ithink that's really something.

All right, are you ready to play Keep It 100,

to answera Keep It 100 question?

-(whooping, applause)-All right. Okay.

-Was I really good at this game?-Yes. No, you have to do this.

You have to keep your answer100% real.

Now, you've done this before;you know what this means.

And that was 50 for...what, 50 to a hundred...

-100% real. Okay? Yeah.-100% real. All right.

-None of that 90 (bleep),all right? Yeah. -All right.

All right. Ready?

Okay, other than Donald Trump--you can't mention Trump, okay?--

who is the biggest dick of allthe GOP candidates right now?

And I know you have an answer.

Larry, I think you'rebreaking up here. Um...

-(laughter)-Can you help us...

What is it? Come on.

-(audience shouting)-Who is it?

You know,of all the Republicans?

Yes. Come on, man, you want...you know you want one of these.

-James Garfield.-James Garfield?!

What kind of (bleep) is that?

Come on.Give me an answer!

You know...

-I-I may...-It's Marco Rubio, isn't it?

No, no. No, no,here's what I have to tell you.

-See...-Is it... Just say Ted Cruz.

-Before... -Just say it.He's the biggest tool, right?

Just say,"Ted Cruz is a tool, Larry."

-Yeah.-Just say that.

See, before we came on here...

Just say, "Ted Cruz is a tool,"please.

Just say it. Just say it!Just say it!

-Before we came on here...-(audience shouting) -Say it!

Just say, "Ted Cruz is a tool."They will love it!

-No. I know. -I guarantee you10,000 more votes.

-Right, audience?-(cheering, applause)

Before we came on here, here'swhat my wife told me, all right?

-My wife said... -She said,"Say Ted Cruz is a tool, honey,

-and it will get some votes."-(laughter)

Before we came on here,my wife made me promise

that if any partsof the anatomy were used,

that I should say,"Oh, I only use those words

in a medical conference,"so I can't really call anybody

part of the, you know,anatomy when...

Rand Paul, everybody!

-That's all we got!-(cheering, applause)

-He's got to take all the tea!-Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks to my panelists RoryAlbanese,

Holly Walker and Marlon Wayans.We're almost out of time,

but before we go,I'm gonna Keep It 100.

Keeping It 100. Okay.

Tonight's questionis from @timdrake.

They ask "would you ratheraccept a drink

from Vladimir Putinor Bill Cosby?"

-Oh, my God.-That's good.

This is very easy.

A drink from Putinwould kill me.

Cosby would knock me outfor a while.

I think I'd have to find a wayto protect myself

while I was out. I had... wouldhave to take the cappuccino.

And not the vodka. Right?

-Okay. -I got to take itfrom Cosby, right?

Guys, challenge me,challenge me.