February 4, 2014 - Pussy Riot

  • 02/04/2014

Black History Month coincides with Children's Dental Health Month, Chris Christie's bridge scandal worsens, and Pussy Riot discusses human rights and the Putin regime.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: RIGHT THERE!

RIGHT DOWN THERE!

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT,"(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

OH, YEAH, BEAUTIFUL, THANK YOUSO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, INHERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE

WORLD.

ALL THE SATELLITES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOUSO MUCH.

FOLKS, WE'VE GOT LOTS OF NEWS TOGET TO.

WE'VE GOT TO DO IT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FOLKS, LOTS OF NEWS TO GET TOBUT FIRST I HAVE GOT TO SEND A

"THE COLBERT REPORT" SHOUTOUT --(IMAGE YELLS)

-- TO MY AFRICAN AMERICAN VIEWEROR VIEWERS.

(LAUGHTER)ONCE AGAIN IN FEBRUARY, FOLKS--

WHICH, OF COURSE, IS BLACKHISTORY MONTH-- BUT DID YOU KNOW

THAT IT'S ALSO CHILDREN'S DENTALHEALTH MONTH?

(LAUGHTER)THAT MEANS IT'S AN IMPORTANT

MONTH FOR AFRICAN AMERICANS,CHILDREN WITH TEETH,

BUT ESPECIALLY AFRICAN AMERICANCHILDREN WITH TEETH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THE POINT IS, KIDS, GREAT

AFRICAN AMERICAN LEADERS LIKEROSA PARKS AND MARTIN LUTHER

KING WANT YOU TO FLOSS.

(LAUGHTER)OKAY?

THAT'S WHAT THEY FOUGHT FOR.

AND THANKS TO THEIR SACRIFICE,YOU CAN FLOSS ON ANY SEAT IN THE

BUS YOU CHOOSE.

BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE THINGWORSE THAN RACISM AND THAT'S

RACISM WITH GINGIVITIS.

(LAUGHTER)YET ANOTHER CAMERA, YET ANOTHER

EMOTIONAL STATE.

NATION, MY BLOOD IS BOILING.

AND IT BETTER STOP SOON BECAUSEI LIKE MY VEINS AL DENTE.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, BASELESS ATTACKS CONTINUE

TO BE LEVIED AGAINST CHRISCHRISTIE, MY PERSONAL FRIEND

THAT I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETINGONE DAY.

(LAUGHTER)THE GOVERNOR PUT THE BRIDGE GATE

NONSCANDAL TO BET WEEKS AGO.

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

SOMEBODY WOKE IT UP, FOLKS, ANDIT'S CRANKY AS HELL.

>> EXPLOSIVE NEW ALLEGATIONSABOUT CHRIS CHRISTIE.

>> BOMBSHELL NEW ALLEGATIONS.

>> A FORMER NEW JERSEYTRANSPORTATION OFFICIAL WHO ONCE

WORKED FOR CHRIS CHRISTIE ISMAKING NEW CLAIMS TONIGHT

SUGGESTING THE GOVERNOR LIEDABOUT WHEN HE KNEW OF THE G.W.

BRIDGE LANE CLOSURE.

>> THE LAWYER FOR DAVIDWILDSTEIN WRITES: "EVIDENCE

EXISTS TYING MR. CHRISTIE TOHAVING KNOWLEDGE OF THE LANE

CLOSURES.".

>> Stephen: "EVIDENCE EXISTS."

OOH!

(LAUGHTER)IT EXISTS!

AND SHOULD EVIDENCE EVER BE"PRESENTED" SHAKING IN MY BOOTS

WOULD "OCCUR."

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, THIS IS JUST THE

GOVERNOR'S WORD AGAINST DAVIDWILDSTEIN'S AND, YES, THEY WERE

HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATES AND, YES,CHRISTIE CREATED A JOB AT THE

PORT AUTHORITY TO APPOINTWILDSTEIN TO, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE

THEY WERE CLOSE, RIGHT?

>> DAVID AND I WERE NOT FRIENDSIN HIGH SCHOOL.

WE WERE NOT EVEN ACQUAINTANCESIN HIGH SCHOOL.

I WAS THE CLASS PRESIDENT ANDATHLETE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT DAVID

WAS DOING.

(LAUGHTER)(AUDIENCE REACTS)

YES.

YES.

CHRISTIE DIDN'T KNOW WHATWILDSTEIN WAS DOING AT THAT

TIME.

I MEAN, IT COULD HAVE BEENANYONE'S HEAD HE WAS HOLDING

DOWN IN THE TOILET!

(LAUGHTER)BUT, FOLKS, IT DOESN'T MATTER

NOW BECAUSE THIS PAST WEEKENDTHE GOVERNOR DESTROYED

WILDSTEIN'S REPUTATION BYRELEASING A MEMO FILLED WITH

FIVE DAMNING REVELATIONS.

DAVID WILDSTEIN WILL DO AND SAYANYTHING TO SAVE DAVID

WILDSTEIN.

OUCH.

HE HAD A CONTROVERSIAL TENURE ATMAYOR OF LIVINGSTON.

OOH!

HE WAS AN ANONYMOUS BLOGGER.

WOW!

FOLKS, THAT IS A DAMNING LIST.

AND IT DOESN'T EVEN MENTION THETROUBLING RUMORS THAT WILDSTEIN

IS A KNOWN ASSOCIATE OFSCANDAL-PLAGUED GOVERNOR CHRIS

CHRISTIE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)BUT, FOLKS, ALL OF THAT --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)ALL OF THIS -- ALL OF THIS JUST

PALES WHEN COMPARED TO THEDARKEST REVELATION THAT

WILDSTEIN WAS PUBLICLY ACCUSEDBY HIS HIGH SCHOOL SOCIAL

STUDIES TEACHER OF DECEPTIVEBEHAVIOR!

(AUDIENCE REACTS)OH, YEAH.

FOLKS, I SHUDDER TO THINK WHATTHAT COULD MEAN.

DID HE IMPROPERLY FOOTNOTE ATERM PAPER?

DID HE FORGE HIS MOM'S SIGNATUREFOR A FIELD TRIP TO COLONIAL

WILLIAMSBERG?

DID HE COVER HIS CROTCH WITH ANOTEBOOK WHILE GIVING ORAL

REPORTS UPON HEARING THEWORDS "ORAL REPORTS"?

AND, AGAIN, AGAIN, FOLKS, THESEACCUSATIONS ARE COMING FROM THE

HIGHEST LEVEL: A SOCIAL STUDIESTEACHER!

NOW, UNFORTUNATELY, DAVIDWILDSTEIN'S SOCIAL STUDIES

TEACHER WAS UNAVAILABLE FORCOMMENT BECAUSE HE IS DECEASED.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)WAS IT...MURDER?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)NO, IT WAS NATURAL CAUSES.

(LAUGHTER)BUT I WAS ABLE TO CONTACT ONE

PERSON WHO KNOWS BOTH CHRISTIEAND WILDSTEIN.

PLEASE WELCOME THEIR FIRST GRADETEACHER MRS. LUDEMEYER.

MRS. LUDEMEYER, THANK YOU SOMUCH FOR JOINING ME TODAY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NOW MRS. LUDEMEYER, THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR HAVING THE COURAGE TOSPEAK WITH ME TODAY.

I HEAR YOU HAVE SOME DAMAGINGREVELATIONS ABOUT WHAT DAVID

WILDSTEIN WAS LIKE AS A FIRSTGRADER.

>> YES, STEPHEN.

HE WAS AN UNTRUSTWORTHY LITTLERUFFIAN.

ONE TIME HE SAID HE NEEDED TOTINKLE BUT ONCE HE WAS IN THE

BATHROOM HE JUST PLAYED WITH THESOAP DISPENSER.

>> Stephen: OKAY, DID YOU ALSOTEACH CHRIS CHRISTIE?

>> CHRISTOPHER?

(LAUGHS)OH, HE WAS A JOY!

KIDS LIKE CHRISSY ARE WHY ITEACH!

DEFINITELY PRESIDENTIALMATERIAL.

A BORN LEAD WE ARE EXECUTIVEEXPERIENCE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)MRS. LUDEMEYER, YOU'RE READING

OFF OF NOTE CARDS.

DID CHRIS CHRISTIE'S PEOPLE GETTO YOU?

>> YES.

HE CLOSED OFF TWO LANES OF THELUNCH LINE.

(LAUGHTER)I WOULDN'T ENDORSE HIM AND A

WEEK LATER THE CLASS GOLDFISHDROPPED DEAD!

(AUDIENCE REACTS)I COULD BE NEXT!

>> Stephen: STAY CALM,MRS. LUDEMEYER.

>> CAN I STAY HERE TONIGHT?

>> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU CAN!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY, MY GUESTS TONIGHT ARERUSSIAN ACTIVISTS WHO ARE VOCAL

OPPONENTS OF VLADIMIR PUTIN. IWILL NOT BE SHARING THEIR SUSHI.

PLEASE WELCOME -->> PUSSY RIOT.

>> PUSSY RIOT.

>> PUSSY RIOT.

>> Stephen: WHAT THEY SAID!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NICE TO SEE YOU, NADYA,

MASHA.

ALL RIGHT, SO WE GOT MASHA, WEGOT NADYA AND THEN ANYA, YOU'LL

BE TRANSLATING, RIGHT?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES.

>> ( translated ): THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU BEEN TO ANOLIVE GARDEN YET?

>> ( translated ): HAVEN'T HADTIME.

>> Stephen: DON'T, YOU'LL THINKYOU'RE IN ITALY, IT WOULD BE A

WASTE.

NOW, YOU ARE MEMBERS OF-- PARDONTHE EXPRESSION-- PUSSY RIOT.

OKAY?

YOU WERE ARRESTED IN RUSSIA ANDTHROWN IN JAIL.

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT GOT YOUARRESTED?

>> ( translated ): WE SANG A FUNSONG IN A CHURCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: SO YOU BROKE THE

LAW?

(LAUGHTER)>> ( translated ): YES, AND WE

BROKE IT MANY TIMES BEFORE THATBECAUSE WE HAD A LOT OF FUN

SONGS, ONE OF THEM WAS CALLED"PUTIN PISS OFF."

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: OKAY, NOW VLADIMIR'S

A FRIEND SO I WANT YOU TO --(LAUGHTER)

I'M GOING EDIT OUT ANYTHING BADYOU SAY ABOUT HIM.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.

OKAY?

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT?

>> ( translated ): IT'S OKAY,WE'RE MAKING OUR OWN TAPING

RIGHT NOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELL, YOU WILL BE

SEARCHED BEFORE YOU LEAVE THEBUILDING.

(LAUGHTER)>> ( translated ): WE'VE HAD TWO

YEARS OF PRACTICE HIDING THINGSFOR SEARCHES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE

COUPLE OF KIDS.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS WHYYOU WOULD BE GOING AGAINST

SOMEONE LIKE VLADIMIR PUTIN WHOIS JUST TRYING TO PRESERVE THE

PEACE AND BRING RUSSIA INTO ABRIGHTER FUTURE.

(LAUGHTER)WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST

VLADIMIR PUTIN?

HE'S A STRONG MAN, THAT'S WHATRUSSIA NEEDS.

HE'S A STRONG MAN, THAT'S WHATRUSSIA NEEDS.

>> ( translated ): WE HAVEDIFFERENT IDEAS ABOUT BRIGHT

FUTURE AND WE DON'T WANT ASHIRTLESS MAN ON A HORSE LEADING

US INTO THAT FUTURE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: VLADIMIR AND I GET

TOGETHER SHIRTLESS --(LAUGHTER)

-- AND GO HUNTING ALL THE TIME.

SOMETIMES WE DON'T EVEN GETAROUND TO THE HUNTING.

(LAUGHTER)>> ( translated ): YOU SHOULD

TAKE SOME HANDSOME BOYS WITHYOU.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S TALK

ABOUT THAT.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT.

HERE IN AMERICA EVERYBODY'STALKING ABOUT THE ANTI-GAY

PROPAGANDA LAWS BACK IN RUSSIA.

HOW BAD HAS IT GOTTEN WITH THEGAY PROPAGANDA?

CAN YOU GO ANYWHERE IN RUSSIAWITHOUT GAY PEOPLE TURNING YOU

GAY?

(LAUGHTER)(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: THAT BAD, EH?

>> ( translated ): IT'S VERYBAD.

THEY'RE ABOUT TO MAKE BEING PARTOF THE GAY COMMUNITY A CRIMINAL

OFFENSE.

>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK MANYGAY PEOPLE WILL MAKE THE RIGHT

DECISION AND STOP BEING GAY?

(LAUGHTER)>> ( translated ): I DON'T KNOW,

IN OUR EXPERIENCE IT JUST TURNSTHEM ON EVEN MORE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: I'VE HEARD THAT.

I'VE HEARD THAT.

>> ( translated ): AND THERE'SALSO A DANGER OF A NEW LAW BEING

PASSED AGAINST GAY EXTREMISM.

>> Stephen: WHAT IS GAYEXTREMISM?

>> ( translated ): IN THE EYESOF OUR GOVERNMENT, IT PROBABLY

JUST MEANS BEING PUBLIC ABOUTBEING GAY.

>> Stephen: SO IT'S NOT LIKE GAYTERRORISM.

(LAUGHTER)LIKE NO GLITTER BOMBING OR

ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

>> ( translated ): WE DIDSOMETHING LIKE THAT, ACTUALLY,

ONCE.

WE KISSED A FEMALE POLICEWOMAN.

THIS WAS EVEN BEFORE PUSSY RIOT,WE MANAGED TO KISS ABOUT 40 OF

THEM.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: AND HOW DID THAT GO

OVER?

>> ( translated ): IT ACTUALLYWAS VERY FUNNY.

THAT WOULD OFTEN TAKE US TO THESIDE AND SAY "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO

DO THIS IN PUBLIC?">> Stephen: OH, SO THEY WERE

DOWN WITH IT, JUST ON THE D.L.?

LISTEN, I'D LIKE TO HEAR MOREABOUT THAT.

WE'VE GOT TO GO TO A COMMERCIALBREAK WHICH-- DO THEY HAVE

COMMERCIAL BREAKS IN RUSSIA?

>> ( translated ): WE ONLY HAVECOMMERCIALS FOR PUTIN THE GREAT.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, HOPEFULLY

WE'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE RIGHTNOW.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MOREPUSSY RIOT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY, I'M HERE WITH PUSSYRIOT AND OUR TRANSLATOR, MASHA,

NADYA AND ANYA, THE TRANSLATOR.

YOU WERE RELEASED FROM JAIL.

WHY?

YOU'RE CRIMINALS.

(LAUGHTER)YOU'RE DANGEROUS CRIMINALS WHO

SING IN CHURCHES.

WHY WERE YOU RELEASED?

>> ( translated ): HE GOT FED UPWITH US.

>> Stephen: PUTIN?

>> ( translated ): IT WAS MOSTLYTHE PRISON ADMINISTRATORS BUT

ALSO PUTIN WHO THEY HAD TOREPORT TO ABOUT EVERYTHING.

>> Stephen: SO WOULD YOU LIKE TOSAY THANK YOU VLADIMIR PUTIN FOR

RELEASING ME FROM JAIL?

I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE TIME YOUNEED.

>> ( translated ): WE'D MUCHRATHER THANK THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE

NOTHING TO DO WITH PUTIN WHOSUPPORTED US AND THE PEOPLE IN

THIS AUDIENCE IN PARTICULAR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELL, MY FOLKS, TOO,

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELL, MY FOLKS, TOO,

MY FOLKS, TOO.

ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RUSSIANWORD FOR "PANDER" IS BUT --

(LAUGHTER)WELL DONE.

THE OKAY.

YOU SAID THAT YOU WERE ONLYRELEASED AS A PUBLIC RELATIONS

STUNT FOR THE SOCHI OLYMPICGAMES.

DO THAT YOU BELIEVE IT'S TRUE?

DO THAT YOU BELIEVE IT'S TRUE?

>> ( translated ): WELL, I DON'TTHINK --.

>> Stephen: I GOT THAT ONE.

I NOT GO ONE.

I -- KNOW JUST WHAT YOU'RESAYING.

NO, GO AHEAD.

>> ( translated ): WE DON'TTHINK IT ACTUALLY IMPROVED THE

IMAGE OF RUSSIA SO MAYBE PUTINMADE A MISTAKE AND HE SHOULD

JUST THROW US BACK IN JAIL.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> Stephen: I WOULDN'T TEMPT

HIM.

HIM.

HIM.

>> ( translated ): WE'D MUCHRATHER WORK ON FREEING THE

PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL IN JAIL WHOGOT ARRESTED IN THE SQUARE ON

MAY 6 FOR STANDING UP FORFREEDOM AND THERE ARE 12 PEOPLE

IN JAIL RIGHT NOW WITH TERMSRANGING FROM FIVE TO SIX YEARS.

AND WHILE THIS IS HAPPENING, NOP.R. STUNT CAN FIX RUSSIA'S

IMAGE.

>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU DOINGIN THE UNITED STATES?

>> ( translated ): WE'VE COMEHERE TO LOOK AT AMERICAN PRISONS

TO TALK TO HUMAN RIGHTSACTIVISTS, AND TO LEARN FROM

THEIR EXPERIENCE.

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

WELL I'M NOT SURPRISED YOU'RETOURING AMERICAN PRISONS BECAUSE

MY UNDERSTANDING IS THEY'RE JUSTWONDERFUL HERE.

(LAUGHTER)>> ( translated ): ACTUALLY, I

(LAUGHTER)>> ( translated ): ACTUALLY, I

THINK IT'S GREAT THAT THERE AREA LOT OF PROBLEMS.

WE LOOK LOOKED AT SOME PRISONSIN THE NETHERLANDS AND THEY WERE

WONDERFUL BUT THERE'S SUCH AGIANT GAP BETWEEN THEIR

WONDERFUL PRISONS AND OURTERRIBLE PRISONS.

>> Stephen: I THINK ALL THEPRISONS IN THE NETHERLANDS

ACTUALLY GET TO SMOKE POT.

(LAUGHTER)SO PEOPLE HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME

WHILE THEY'RE IN THERE.

>> ( translated ): YEAH, WE HADA GREAT TIME THERE, TOO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: ARE YOU AFRAID OF

BEING THROWN BACK IN JAIL?

>> ( translated ): NO.

I MEAN, WE JUST OFFERED.

IF YOU WANT TO THROW US BACK INJAIL, GO AHEAD.

YOU SHOULD TALK TO VLADIMIRPUTIN.

>> Stephen: I'LL GIVE HIM ACALL.

YOU WANT ME TO PUT A GOOD WORDIN FOR YOU?

ALL RIGHT, HOW MANY MEMBERS OFPUSSY RIOT ARE THERE?

>> ( translated ): IT'S A BIGSECRET.

WE CAN'T TELL YOU, BUT YOU NEEDTO FIND PEOPLE IN MASKS TO LEARN

MORE ABOUT PUSSY RIOT.

>> Stephen: CAN ANYONE BE INPUSSY RIOTS.

>> ( translated ): OF COURSE.

EVEN YOU.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> ( translated ): EVEN YOU.

>> Stephen: I COULD BE IN PUSSYRIOT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WOULD I KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)>> ( translated ): WE COULD EVEN

COME UP WITH AN HONORARY PUSSYRIOT MEMBER TRADITION PROCEDURE

FOR YOU.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.

>> ( translated ): BUT WE'LLTALK ABOUT THIS ONLY AFTER YOU

CALL PUTIN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: I'LL YOU WHAT, I'LL

TALK TO HIM OVER THE CAMERA ATTHE END OF THE SHOW.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

>> ( translated ): OKAY.

>> Stephen: IT'S A DEAL?

WHY DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES PUSSYRIOT?

AND YOU DON'T EVEN SAY IT INRUSSIAN.

YOU SAY IT IN ENGLISH, RIGHT?

THE NAME OF THE BAND IS PUSSYRIOT IN ENGLISH, RIGHT?

>> Stephen: WE WANTED TO LETENGLISH-SPEAKING PEOPLE ENJOY

THEMSELVES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WE DO.

WE DO, THANK YOU VERYMUCH.

THERE IS A WORD FOR IN THERUSSIAN, RIGHT?

>> ( translated ): THERE ARELOTS OF WORDS IN RUSSIAN.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: MASHA THANK YOU SO

MUCH, NADYA THANK YOU SO MUCH,AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

TRANSLATING.

PUSSY RIOT, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY!

BEFORE WE GO I JUST WANT TOANNOUNCE THAT TOMORROW NIGHT

PUSSY RIOT WILL BE AT THEBARKLEY CENTER IN BROOKLYN FOR

BRINGING HUMAN RIGHTS BACK HOMECONCERT WITH IMAGINE DRAGONS,

FLAMING LIPS, LOREN HILL,MADONNA AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.

NOW, ON A PERSONAL NOTE I JUSTWANT TO SAY, VLADIMIR, I DON'T

ASK MUCH AND I DON'T ASK OFTEN,YOU LEAVE THOSE GIRLS ALONE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THAT'S IT FOR THE "REPORT,"

EVERYBODY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)GOOD NIGHT!