G.I. Twayne

  • Season 2, Ep 201
  • 07/21/2011

After being drafted into Satan's dark army, Twayne and Mark must do their patriotic duty and end the world.

IT'S CRAWLING BACK UP.

- OH, DRAT.

NOW YOU'VE SCARED MINE OFF.

- GIVE THEM SOME ENCOURAGEMENT.

- BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

THIS IS SUCH A WEIRD SITUATION.

YOU'RE DOING FINE, CHILDREN.

UH, I CAN SMELL IT FROM HERE.

- IN ALL MY 70 YEARS,I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!

- WHY DIDN'T I WEAR A CONDOM?

[farting noises]

- NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

I'M GOING TO MY CELLTO GET SOME SLEEP.

- TOTAL WASTE OF A HOT DOG.

- [sighs]

- MARK!

I DID IT!

- WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN BLOOD?

- I'VE MURDERED MY BROTHERAND CLAIMED MY RIGHTFUL PLACE

AS GENERAL OF SATAN'S DARK ARMY.

- GOOD CRICKET.

I'VE CREATED A MONSTER.

- A MONSTER WHO CAN POOPAND BEHEAD LIKE A BIG BOY.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE THISAS A TOKEN OF MY APPRECIATION.

all: ALL HAIL BONERAPER!

ALL HAIL BONERAPER!

ALL HAIL BONERAPER!

ALL HAIL BONERAPER!

- MY BROTHER DIED AS HE LIVED,

ANGRY, BITTER,AND FULL OF HATE.

HE'S GONE NOW,AND WE MUST CARRY ON

AS HE WOULD HAVE WANTED.

RELEASE CROW IN PARENTHESES.

[cawing]

TOMORROW WE INVADE EARTHAND ACCOMPLISH

WHAT MY BROTHER COULD NEVER DO:

THE COMPLETE DESTRUCTIONOF HUMANITY!

[crowd cheering]

[explosion]

- THEY HAVE NUKESIN A PRE-ENACTMENT?

AHH!

- MY GOD, IT'S HAPPENING!

THE END OF THE WORLD!

AHH, NO!

DON'T EAT THAT!

OW, OW!

[SOLDIERS MARCHING]

- ALL RIGHT,YOU ASS-GRABBING CLOWNS.

I'VE GOT THREE WEEKS TO TRAINTHE ASS-GRABBING OUT OF YOU

BEFORE THE END OF DAYSWAR PRE-ENACTMENT!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAYFOR YOURSELF?

- HERE'S A LISTOF MY FAVORITE FOODS

AND DIETARY RESTRICTIONS, SIR!

- NOW LISTEN HERE, CELEBRITY.

I DON'T MAKE NO LATTES.

WE WILL NOT LEAK ANY SEX TAPESTO THE PRESS.

WE WILL RSVP NOTO DIDDY'S WHITE PARTY.

IS THAT CLEAR?

- UM, I THINK THERE'S BEENSOME SORT OF GRIEVOUS ERROR.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

- BONERAPER!

YOUR SLAVE JUSTADDRESSED ME DIRECTLY.

[buzzing]

- [groaning]

NO!

THAT'S PERMANENT.

- HERE'S YOUR HUNK OF BREAD.

SOME WATER USUALLY PUDDLESON THE FLOOR.

PSST, IT'S PISS.

GRIMES, HOW IN THE HELL CAN THEYDO THIS TO US?

- LAST YEAR, WE LEDTHE HUMAN RESISTANCE TO VICTORY.

THIS YEAR, WE'RE SLAVES.

WHAT PART DON'T YOU GET?

- UH, ALL OF IT.

- HEY, MAN, DON'T TALK TO ME.

TALK TO YOUR MASTER.

- YOU MEAN TWAYNE.

AND WHEN DO I GETTO TALK TO HIM AGAIN?

- NEVER.IT'S PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.

MM, THAT'S GOOD.

- ONCE THE HUMANSARE SUBJUGATED,

WE WILL HAVE TO WINTHE HEARTS AND MINDS

OF THE SURVIVORS

WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT.

- THANK YOU, SIR.

MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

- YOU GOT IT, SLAVE.

- TWAYNE,I KNOW I AM RISKING MY LIFE,

BUT I ADVISED YOUAS A THERAPIST.

FORCED ENSLAVEMENTISN'T A HEALTHY RESPONSE.

- I AGREE.

I'M GOING AWOLON THE COUNT OF THREE.

ONE, TWO--

[gasps]

- ARE YOU TEACHINGYOUR SLAVE TO COUNT?

[whistle blows]

- [screaming]

EVERYONE, MURRAY IS NEW IN TOWN

SO LET'S GIVE HIMA BIG NEW YORK WELCOME.

[applause]

- NONE OF YOU FREAKSGET ANY FUNNY IDEAS,

ESPECIALLY YOU!

- TAKE WHAT YOU WANT.

JUST DON'T HURT ME.

- MURRAY, HUMANS AREJUST A SMALL PART

OF THE FABRIC OF NEW YORK.

THE CITY IS FULL OF ALL SORTS

OF INTERESTING CREATURES.

WE ALL LIVE PEACEFULLYUNDER THE INTEGRATION TREATY.

SO YOUR FEAR OF THEMIS ACTUALLY REALLY INSULTING.

- POPPYCOCK!

I'VE HEARD DEMONSTALKING ABOUT THE END OF DAYS.

- IT'S PART OF THEIR CULTURE.

DEMON HISTORY IS FULLOF FAILED END OF DAYS PLOTS.

LIGHTS?

500,000 YEARS AGO,BILTH THE UGLY

CONJURED AN EARTHQUAKE MEANTTO SPLIT THE PLANET.

HOWEVER, IT ENDED UP CREATINGTHE GRAND CANYON,

ONE OF OUR NATION'S MOSTMAJESTIC NATURAL TREASURES.

- WHAT A PUTZ.

- VILMORE THE UNSIGHTLYWORKED FOR YEARS TO OPEN UP

A DEMONIC PORTAL,

BUT INSTEAD OF SUCKING PEOPLEINTO THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL,

IT SENT THEM TO SANDALS RESORTIN MARTINIQUE.

- I STILL DON'T UNDERSTANDTHE RULES

FOR TIPPING AT RESORTS.

- TODAY DEMONSARE FULLY INTEGRATED

BUT STILL CELEBRATETHEIR HERITAGE

WITH AN ANNUAL END OF DAYSWAR PRE-ENACTMENT

IN TIMES SQUARE.

WHOEVER WANTS TO PARTICIPATEIS ASSIGNED A ROLE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN,BUT I HEAR IT'S QUITE A PARTY.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

HOW ABOUT YOU HAND OVER THE GUN?

- NOT A CHANCE!

[gunshot]

[screaming]

- WHOA!OH, NOT AGAIN.

I SHOULD REALLY GET BARSFOR THIS WINDOW.

- MARK LILLY TO TWAYNE'S OFFICE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?>> TWAYNE'S HAVING A MELTDOWN.

- "TWAYNE BONERAPER,YOU HAVE BEEN DRAFTED

"INTO SATAN'S DARK ARMY

TO SERVE AS A PRE-ENACTMENTFOOT SOLDIER."

OY.

- HIS MOTHER'S BEEN GETTING HIMOUT OF SERVICE

FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS.

- I HAD NO IDEA TWAYNEWAS 70 YEARS OLD.

VERY SMOOTH SKINFOR A DEMON HIS AGE.

- YOU CAN SEE IT IN THE EYES.

- [sobbing]

- WHAT'S GOING ON, BUDDY?

- OH, NOTHING.NOTHING AT ALL.

JUST SPINNING SOME WAX.

- I HEAD ABOUTYOUR DRAFT LETTER.

ARE YOU OKAY?

- OH, YEAH, TOTALLY COOL.

I'M JUST GONNA PAY THE FINE.

- LOOK I'M NOT SURETHIS IS MY BUSINESS,

BUT THERE MUST BE A ROOT CAUSE

FOR YOU NOT WANTINGTO GO DOWN THERE.

- I CAN'T POOP AWAY FROM HOME.

- OH, VERY CLOSE TO THE SURFACE.

- AM I NORMAL?

- FECAL WITHHOLDING,

GENERALLY NOT COMMONAMONG THE SENIOR SET.

- OH, GOD.

I HATE BEING A GROWN-UP.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

THE REAL CONSTIPATIONISN'T DOWN THERE.

IT'S UP HERE.

- YOU MEAN I HAVE POOPIN MY HEART?

- SOMETHING IMPORTANT FEELSOUT OF CONTROL.

SO YOU ARE CONTROLLINGYOUR POOP INSTEAD.

- HEAR THAT?I'M CONTROLLING YOU.

- TWAYNE, IF YOU DON'T CONFRONTYOUR FEARS NOW,

YOU MAY NEVER HAVEFULL FECAL FREEDOM.

IS THAT A THING?

- THE THREE "F"s.

LOOK IT UP.

Loading...