CC Presents: DeRay

  • Season 10, Ep 3
  • 02/23/2006

YOU LIKE THAT?

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

YOU CAN STOP. YOU CAN STOP NOW. NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M GONNA LET Y'ALLKNOW SOMETHING UP FRONT.

THIS AIN'T A COMEDY SHOW. THIS A GET TOGETHER.

SO I WANT Y'ALL TO GET COMFORTABLE.

DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO KNOW EVERYBODY. SIT DOWN. RELAX. THIS IS--

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE LIKE I ALWAYS DO FOR NOT HAVING JOKES.

THIS IS MY LIFE.AND IT'S ALL MESSED UP.

WHY THE HELL I GOTTA HAVE A GARBAGE CAN ON MY SET?

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - LOOK AT-- AT THE BLACK--

WHY DO BLACK MAN GOTTA HAVE A GARBAGE CAN...?

CERTAIN THINGS ARE JUSTNOT FOR BLACK PEOPLE.

CERTAIN JOBS BLACK PEOPLE DON'T TRUST BLACK PEOPLE WITH.

DON'T LIE. IF YOU AT HOME THIS IS THE DeRAY WAY.

I'M TELLING YOU.CERTAIN THINGS WE DO NOTTRUST BLACK PEOPLE WITH.

- BLACK VALET. - [LAUGHTER]

HATE TO SEE THIS RIGHT NOW.

BUT I AIN'T GIVING NO [BLEEP] MY KEYS. UNH-UH.

I PULL UP, HE STANDING THERE ALL CHILLS. "SO IS THIS YOUR CAR?"

[LAUGHTER]

"HOW LONG YOU GONNA BE--" HELL NO.

"HEY PEDRO, COME HERE. PEDRO, COME HERE."

- A BLACK LIFE GUARD. HELL NO! - [LAUGHTER]

TELL THE TRUTH.

YOU GO TO THE DAMN BEACH AND YOU SEE A BLACK LIFEGUARD.

HE SITTING THERE CHILLIN'. HE GOT TIMBERLAND'S ON...

[LAUGHTER]

HE CAN'T EVEN DIVE AND SAVE YOU RIGHT?

HE GOTTA DIVE ALL SEXY. "I GOT HIM."

- HELL NO! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S CERTAIN THINGS WE JUST CAN'T DO.

LIKE BLACK MEN. CERTAIN THINGS WE CAN'T DO. LIKE BE IN RELATIONSHIPS.

IT'S NOT FOR US. IT'S JUST NOT FOR--

I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

WOMEN CRAZY, MAN.

- WOMEN ARE CRAZY. I DON'T KNOW. - [APPLAUSE]

WOMEN CLAP. YOU KNOW YOU NUTS.

LOOK YOU SITTING NEXT TO A CRAZY WOMAN NOW.

HE DON'T EVEN WANT TO SPEAK. "I'M SORRY. I DON'T WANT--

- I'M JUST SAYING." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WOMEN DON'T LIKE BROKE MEN.HELL, WE DON'T LIKE BEING BROKE.

YOU THINK IT'SOUR CHOICE TO BE BROKE?

I LIVE IN L.A.I HANG WITH THE RICHESTPEOPLE IN AMERICA.

AND THEY TREAT ME LIKE HELL.

I'M OUT HANGING WITH BALL PLAYERS.

YOU EVER HUNG WITH A BASKETBALL PLAYER?

THEY MAKE YOU FEELLIKE YOU AIN'T NOTHIN'.THEY CALL ME--

"EY, LET'S CALL DeRAY.SO HE CAN MAKE US LAUGHWHILE WE SHOPPING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW I'M AT THE MALL FOLLOWING THEM AROUND. TELLING JOKES.

THEY BUYING STUFF THEY NOT EVEN LOOKING AT. "GIVE ME THAT.

GIVE ME THAT." ASK ME IF I WANT SOMETHING LIKE A BITCH?

"HEY, YOU WANT SOMETHING?" "UH-HUH, SOME JEANS.

I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK THIS MEAN NOTHIN'."

[LAUGHTER]

WOMEN ARE HARD ON THE BROKE MAN.

LIKE THE FIRST DATE TRICK Y'ALL DO.

WOMEN GOT A FIRST DATE TRICK THEY DO.

WHENEVER THE BILL COMES, YOU EVER HAD A WOMAN DO THIS?

THEY REACH IN THEIR PURSE AND PRETEND THEY LOOKING FOR MONEY.

'CAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO SAY, "NO, I'LL GET IT."

- HELL NO. I LET THEY ASS LOOK. - [LAUGHTER]

"DID YOU FIND IT 'CAUSE I'M GONNA NEED THAT HALF?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY DO.

I CAN'T DO IT--RELATIONSHIPS--

IT'S THE DeRAY WAY. I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

IT'S MY WAY OF THINKING,MY LIFE, IS WHO I AM.

LIKE GAS. GAS GOT TOO DAMN HIGH.

SO THE BROKE MAN, WE FALL OUT.

I CAN'T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. GAS TOO DAMN HIGH.

I CAN'T COME GET YOU. IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.

NOW I'M DATING THE COMMUNITY.

IF I CAN WALK TO YOU,IT'S GONNA LAST FOREVER.

[LAUGHTER]

WOMEN PUT TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON US, MAN.

LIKE WOMEN--WOMEN CONTROL THE CLUBS.

THE CLUBS ARE SET UPFOR RICH MEN AND WOMEN.

IT AIN'T SET UP FOR THE BROKE BROTHER.

LIKE IT AIN'T TWO LINES WHEN YOU WALK IN.

IT AIN'T LIKE-- BROKE, RICH. NO, YOU JUST CAUGHT UP IN IT.

AND THE WOMEN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE DIRT IN THE CLUB.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE CLUB THAT MAKE MEN JUST SHRINK?

HOW MANY WOMEN ARE TIRED OF GETTING GRABBED IN THE CLUBS?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, TURN AROUND WHEN WE CALL YOUR ASS THEN.

I'M SICK OF THIS, "HEY, HEY GIRL. HEY, HEY, HEY GIRL.

HEY, HEY, HEY GIRL. HEY, HEY, HEY [BARKING]."

SEE WOMEN HAVE DIFFERENT WAYS OF GOING ON THEN MEN.

LIKE A WOMAN WON'T LETNONE OF HER GIRLFRIENDS

LEAVE THE HOUSE IN A MESSED UP OUTFIT.

HELL NO, THEY CARE. THEY GIVE A DAMN.

THEY SEE A GIRLFRIEND COMING DOWNSTAIRS.

"WHAT'S WRONG? YOU DON'T WANT TO GO?

YOU CAN JUST TELL US. IT'S OKAY."

BUT NOT MEN, WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT OUR FRIEND GOT ON.

WE WANT 'EM TO LOOK BAD SO WE LOOK BETTER THAN HIM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE LIKE, "HOW THIS LOOK?""IT LOOK GOOD."

WE RUN DOWN TO THE CAR, "WATCH WHAT HE GOT ON MAN."

GOT HIS SOCKSPULLED OVER HIS JEANS."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S OUR WAY, MAN. WE TREAT STUFF DIFFERENT.

WOMEN GO TO THE CLUB TO ACTUALLY HAVE A GOOD TIME SOMETIMES.

WOMEN GO TO THE CLUB THERE'S FOUR OF 'EM DANCING,

YOU EVER HAD A4-WOMAN DANCING CIRCLE,

THEY DANCE BY THEYSELF IN THAT LITTLE CIRCLE,

WHY IS IT ALWAYS A GUY FEEL LIKE THAT'S HIS CIRCLE? HE COULD WALK IN, "HEY, HEY.

Y'ALL BE WAITIN' ON ME, HAVEN'T YOU?"

THEY GO TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. AND IF THE WOMEN ARE EVER OUT

AND THEY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND THAT'S SINGLE,

THEY LOOK OUT FOR HER. THEY SAY, "GIRL, YOU KNOW WHAT,

TONIGHT WE GONNA FIND YOU A NICE GUY.

NOT A BOYFRIEND."'CAUSE THE GIRL'S LIKE,

"I DON'T WANT A NEW MAN. I'M JUST TRYING TO LIVE."

"NO, WE UNDERSTAND. WE JUST GONNA FIND YOU--"

I GOT SIX SISTERS. I HEARD ALL THIS.

"I DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND. I JUST WANT--" AND THEY,

"NO, NO, NO WE GONNA FIND YOU SOMEBODY WHO'S CHILL,

JUST COMFORTABLE, OKAY,JUST REAL COOL, OKAY?"

"OKAY-- ALL RIGHT."AND IF A GUY WALKS PAST

AND THE GIRLFRIENDS ALL AGREE HE'S NICE,

ONE OF THE GIRLFRIENDS WILL WALK UP TO HIM AND SAY, "I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM."

"DON'T, NO. DON'T DO THAT." "I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM.

I JUST WANT Y'ALL TO MEET, OKAY?"

SO SHE WALKS OVER AND TALKS TO THE GUY.

NOW IF THAT GUY COMES ON TO THAT GIRLFRIEND IN ANY KIND OF WAY,

THE WOMAN GETS MAD. "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?"

"UM...MY GIRLFRIEND SHIRLEY IS SO NICE AND I WANT YOU TO--

"WHAT? WHO ME?

"OH, THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE THAT.

"I APPRECIATE THAT. BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

"MY GIRLFRIEND-- WHO? WHAT?

"LOOK. I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT SOMEBODY. "NO-- WHAT? MY NUMBER.

"LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU AN ASS-[BLEEP].

"SHE DON'T NEED YOU ANYWAY. YOU LOOKING AT ME ALREADY.

- GIRL, FORGET HIM." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF.MY MOTHER WAS ON DRUGS.

SINCE I WAS LIKE EIGHT,I WAS LIKE-- IT GOTTA BE

SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS. SO I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF.

- I DON'T WORK, I'M STILL HERE. - [LAUGHTER]

I TRIED TO TAKE A WHOLE LOT OF PILLS

AND MESSED AROUND AND TOOK 20 FLINTSTONE VITAMINS

I WAS UP FOR 17 DAYS. I WAS-- "WHAT?

- WHEN AM I GONNA DIE?"- [LAUGHTER]

I TRIED TO SMOTHER MYSELFWITH A PILLOW.

THAT DON'T WORK, MAN. I COULDN'T BREATHE.

[LAUGHTER]

DEATH IS AMAZING. I'M FASCINATED BY IT SOMETIMES.

I'M LIKE-- YOU EVER WANT TO JUST DIE JUST TO SEE PEOPLE?

JUST TO TALK TO 'EM? JUST DIE AND GO LIKE,

"HEY, I'M GONNA GO BACKIN A LITTLE WHILE.

BUT THIS IS COOL."NO MAN, DEATH IS CRAZY.

WHAT IF YOU COULD PICK THE DAY YOU DIED?

WHAT DAY WOULD YOU PICK?...

NEVER. DON'T NOBODY WANT TO DIE.

YOU IN A PLANE, A PLANE GOING, YOU LIKE, "GOD-- NOT NOW."

WHAT IF GOD WAS LIKE, "THEN WHEN?"

[LAUGHTER]

"HELL, I DON'T KNOW, 'TUESDAY.'"

I DON'T WANT TO DIE.DEATH IS HORRIBLE, MAN.

THE MAIN REASON I DON'T WANT TO DIE,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT MY FAMILY IN CHARGE OF MY FUNERAL.

I DON'T THINK THEY GONNA DO A GOOD JOB.

MY FAMILY IS CHEAP AS HELL.I'M FROM THE STREETS OF CHICAGO.

I MEAN THEY WILL PUT MEIN A DAMN CAR.

I WOULDN'T HAVE A CASKET.

THEY'LL HAVE MEIN A DAMN REFRIGERATOR.THEY CHEAP, MAN.

PLUS I WANT TO PLAN MY OWN FUNERAL. 'CAUSE THAT WAY

I WANT TO MAKE IT LIVE.

I WANT MY FUNERAL TO BE OFF THE HOOK.

I WANT IT TO BE LIKE A PARTY. I'LL HAVE FLIERS OUT.

"LIVE, DEAD, DeRAY. LADIES FREE BEFORE 11AM."

[LAUGHTER]

HAVE IT CRACKIN'.HAD A BOUNCER UP THERE.PEOPLE BE ON THE LIST.

TRYING TO GET IN. ON THE BACK OF MY OBITUARY'S

GONNA BE A DIFFERENT OBITUARY. ON THE BACK OF MY OBITUARY,

I'M GONNA HAVE PICTURES OF ALL THE WOMEN I SLEPT WITH.

SAYING "GOODBYE RAY." YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE OBITUARY. "OH-BITCHES-WORRY."

YOUR PICTURE WILL BE ON THE BACK ON MY WAY OUT.

ANOTHER REASON I DON'T WANT TO DIE TOO SOON,

'CAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT A CASKET. CASKETS ARE BORING.

IN A CASKET YOU JUST LAYING THERE.

PEOPLE COULD WALK UP, PLAY WITH YOUR LIPS.

LIFT YOUR EYES UP. "HE AIN'T DEAD, HEY."

I DON'T WANT NO CASKET. I WANT TO MESS PEOPLE UP.

I WANT YOU TO WALK IN. I WANT TO BE PROPPED UP WITH MY EYES OPEN.

THAT'LL MESS YOU UP. YOU WALK IN. I'M LIKE THIS.

ON A ROTATORPOINTING, THAT WOULD...

DEATH IS AMAZING. DO YOU THINK ANIMALS THINK ABOUT DEATH?

'CAUSE I WONDER LIKEIN THE STREET, I WONDER,

DO YOU THINK ANIMALS THINK ABOUT DEATH?

LIKE "MAN, TODAY MIGHT BE MY LAST DAY GETTING WALKED."

'CAUSE I KNOW IT'S WRONG. BUT I LAUGH AT ROAD KILL. I DO.

I LAUGH AT ROAD KILL 'CAUSE I THINK--

YOU DON'T SEE THEM OTHER ANIMALS LYING IN THE STREET.

WHAT MAKE AN ANIMAL LOOK AT THE STREET AND SAY,

"HEY, THAT MIGHT BE COOL"? AND IT'S MESSED UP BECAUSE

YOU SEE A DOG LYING THERE. YOU'RE LIKE "AWE."

YOU SEE A CAT LYING THERE, LIKE, "AWE."

AND I ACCIDENTALLY-- I KILLED A CAT BEFORE. I DID.

I WAS DRIVING HOME FROM A COMEDY CLUB IN CHICAGO.

AND ME AND MY COUSIN WE WERE RAPPING IN THE CAR--

YOU KNOW, HOW YOU DOING,AIN'T NOBODY AROUND--

WE RAPPING TO EACH OTHER.

♪ YEAH, YEAH, I'M T-- YEAH, YEAH ♪

WE SHOOTING A VIDEOIN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR.

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH YEAH, YEAH ♪

YOU KNOW, YOU DO. ALL Y'ALL DONE SHOT

A VIDEO AT HOME BY YOUR DAMN SELF.

SO WE RIDING AND I FEEL A LITTLE BUMP.

"BOOP." IT'S SMALL. IT'S LIKE "BOOMP."

AND HE SAID, "HEY, I THINK YOU HIT THAT CAT."

AND I SAID, "I AIN'T SEE A CAT."

AND WE RODE BACK AROUND.AND SURE ENOUGH I HAD HIT A CAT.

AND I FELT BAD. I WAS LIKE "DAMN."

'CAUSE THE CAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, I KNEW IT BELONGED TO SOMEBODY.

SO I PULLED OFF LIKE A CRIME SCENE.

I WAS LIKE "DAMN, I KILLED HIM."

IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE HORROR MOVIES.

I WAS LIKE-- "I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT."

AND AS I WAS DRIVING I STARTED FEELING TOUGHER. LIKE I HAD DID SOMETHING,

YOU KNOW,DID SOMETHING GANGSTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? I WAS DRIVING. I WAS LIKE,

"SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN INTHE DAMN STREET, CAT!"

SO NOW I'M OUT AT THE CLUBS

FEELING LIKE I'M TOUGHER THAN I AM.

I'M AT THE CLUB. PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT YOU LOOKING AT? I KILL CATS."

BUT THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN?

I SEEN A BIRD GET HIT BY A CAR.

AS A BIRD, HOW DO YOU GET HIT BY A CAR?

AND THEN I STARTED THINKING, IT WAS A BLACK BIRD.

SHOWING OFF FOR SOME GIRL BIRDS.

"HEY, HEY, HEY,HEY WATCH THIS DIP DOG!WATCH THIS DIP. LOOK."

DARK ASS WOMEN. I LIKE BLACK-- I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S 'CAUSE

I'M LIGHT SKINNED.IT'S JUST THE DeRAY WAY.

I WANT A GIRL SO DARK, WHEN I TURN THE LIGHT OFF,

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL SHE AT.

SHE JUST RUN PAST AND DO FREAKY STUFF TO ME.

- FHEW!-- HUH? - [LAUGHTER]

FHEW-FHEW!-- HUH?

- I KNOW YOU IN HERE, DARKEISH. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MAN, WOMEN PUT YOU THROUGHTOO MUCH STRESS.

AND WOMEN, Y'ALL KNOW Y'ALL DO THAT.

STOP STRESSING THE MAN! STOP TALKING ABOUT ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN' SOMETIMES!

I DON'T CARE. YOU CAN BE MAD AT ME. I'M COOL.

WOMEN TALK ABOUT NOTHIN'.

I WISH WOMEN COULD RUN OUT OF WORDS LIKE CELL PHONE MINUTES.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ARGUMENT.

- "AND ANOTHER THING--" "AH HA!"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I'M GONNA TALK YOUON NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS."

LOOK AT THE WOMEN. THE WOMEN MAD AT ME.

"FORGET HIM. FORGET HIM." WOMEN GET MAD QUICK, MAN.

A LOT OF MENDON'T KNOW HOW TO CHEAT.

YOU KNOW WHY YOUR WOMANCATCH YOU CHEATING? HUH?

YOU WANT TO KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T DO IT THE DeRAY WAY.

YOUR WOMAN CATCH YOU CHEATING BECAUSE THERE'S A CHANGE

IN YOUR TRENDS.THAT'S HOW YOUR WOMAN--

EVERY MAN HERE NEEDS TO KNOW, YOUR WOMAN KNOWS YOU.

SHE KNOWS YOU INSIDE AND OUT.

SO IF YOU DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT--

SEE THIS IS HOW YOUR WOMAN KNOWS YOU.

LIKE THIS. "[DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE]."

SO YOU DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT."I SEEN THAT [BLEEP]."

- "[DEE]." "I SEEN THAT." - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S WHY WHEN YOUSTART THE RELATIONSHIP,MESS HER MIND UP.

- START LIKE THIS. - [LAUGHTER]

THAT WAY SHE NEVER KNOWWHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

SEE A LOT OF MEN DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.

YOU GOTTA MAKE YOUR WOMAN THINK YOU CRAZY.

IF A WOMAN THINKS YOU CRAZY, AND I DON'T MEAN CRAZY LIKE

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CRAZY,CRAZY LIKE SOMETHING IS

WRONG WITH YOU CRAZY. SHE WOULD NEVER QUESTION YOU

'CAUSE SHE DON'T THINKNOBODY WANT YOUR CRAZY ASS.

MAKE A WOMAN THINK YOU NUTS. WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.

JUST HAVE YOUR HEAD BETWEEN THE MATTRESS.

JUST LIKE-- "BABY WHAT'S WRONG?" "DID THEY CALL?"

"DID WHO CALL?"JUST WALK OUT THE ROOM.

JUST WAIT TILL IT STARTS RAINING OUTSIDE AND GO WASH YOUR CAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"BABY, WHAT'S WRONG?" "DID THEY CALL?"

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOUR WOMAN GONNA THINK YOU SO CRAZY

SHE DON'T WANT TO GET EMBARRASSED.

SHE'LL BE LIKE "YEAH, THEY CALLED. JUST COME IN.

"THEY ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. JUST BRING YOUR CRAZY ASS IN."

YOU GOTTA PIMP-PROOF YOUR HOUSE. DO IT THE DeRAY WAY.

A LOT OF MEN, COME ON, YOU GET CAUGHT 'CAUSE YOU TAKE A SHOWER.

YOUR WOMAN LIKE, "OH, HELL NO. WHY YOU TAKE A SHOWER FOR?"

NO, HELL NO, MAN.YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TODeRAY WAY YOUR HOUSE.

WHEN YOU COME IN, TAKE A SHOWER.WHEN YOU WAKE UP, TAKE A SHOWER.

YOU EAT SOME CEREAL, TAKE A SHOWER,

PLAY A VIDEO GAME, TAKE A SHOWER,

TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, "OOH, I FEEL DIRTY." TAKE A SHOWER.

THAT WAY WHEN YOU COME IN AT 5AM SHE'S LIKE,

"WHY YOU TAKE A SHOWER?" "BITCH, I ALWAYS TAKE SHOWERS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S SOMETIMES IT'S OUR FAULT

THAT WE DON'T KNOWHOW TO COME HOME RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHY, BECAUSE WE DON'T PIMP-PROOF OUR HOUSE.

YOU HAVE TO PIMP-PROOF IT.

MAKE IT COMFORTABLE FOR YOU TO COME HOME.

SEE, WHEN YOU LEAVE, NEVER GIVE YOURSELF A CURFEW.

MEN, WE HAVE A BAD HABIT OF DOING THAT.

YOUR WOMAN ASKS THATSNEAKY LITTLE NICE WAY.

"SO WHEN YOU GONNA BE BACK?" DON'T FALL FOR THAT.

TELL HER LIKE A MOVIE. "COMING SOON." LEAVE OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE IF YOU TELL A WOMAN A TIME YOU COME HOME,

WOMEN LOCK YOU TO THAT TIME. AM I TELLING THE TRUTH LADIES?

[WOMEN AGREEING]

'CAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE, "RIGHT, HE SAID IT, RIGHT?"

YOU ASKED HIM. YOU SAID, "WHAT TIME YOU GONNA BE HOME?"

AND MEN SAY "AH, ABOUT 2:00." SO NOW 2:00 IS IN THEIR MINDS.

2:00 HITS ALL THE WALLS OF THE HOUSE.

2:00, 2:00, 2:00, 2:00... 2:00 SETTLES IN, 2:00, 2:00...

NOW YOU COME HOME LATE.NOW YOU MESSED UP.

YOU COMING IN THE HOUSE LATE. ANY MAN EVER HAD TO SNEAK

IN THEIR OWN DAMN HOUSE? YOU PULL UP TO YOUR HOUSE.

YOU LOOK IN. "DAMN." IT AIN'T THAT WE SCARED OF YOU.

WE JUST DON'T WANTTO HEAR YOUR DAMN MOUTH.

AND NOBODY HERE WANT TO BREAK UP, NOBODY. I DON'T WANT TO BREAK UP.

I CAN'T DO IT. 'CAUSE BREAKING UP--

YOU WONDER WHY YOU GET STALKED WOMEN? HUH?

'CAUSE YOU TRY TO LEAVE OUR ASS,AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

NOW WE LOST. "WHAT?

[BABBLING]... WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO?"

THAT'S WHY YOU GET STALKED. 'CAUSE WE NOT STALKING YOU

TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU DOING. WE STALKING YOU TO ASK YOU,

"WHERE SHOULD I BE RIGHT NOW?"

"DON'T STALK ME,HE FOLLOWING ME. DON'T STALK ME.

DON'T-- DON'T-- DON'T." ANOTHER REASON WE STALK YOU.

AND THIS AIN'T PART-- I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT.

THE REASON WE STALK YOU,BECAUSE YOU LEAVE US.

AND YOU GET WITH ANOTHER MAN.

AND YOU DO EVERYTHING THE FIRST WEEK FOR HIM

YOU SHOULD HAVE DIDFOR OUR ASS THE LAST[BLEEP]-DAMN SIX MONTHS.

SHE GET WITH A NEW MAN.SHE DOING EVERYTHING.

HAVING SEX. EVERY KIND OF COOKING AT THE SAME TIME,

I HATE THAT.

SHE GET WITH A NEW BROTHER DOING EVERYTHING FOR HIM.

THAT'S WHY I PULL A TRICK ON HER. I DeRAY-WAY HER.

I WAIT THREE WEEKS TILL SHE IN THE NEW RELATIONSHIP. I JUST PULL OFF A MASK.

YEAH, I'M THE NEW DUDE, TOO.YOU BEEN WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME.

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH BREAKING UP.

I HAVE NIGHTMARES OF GOING OUT AND HAVING OLD GAME.

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

LIKE THE WHITE PEOPLE LIKE "WHAT IS GAME?"

I MEAN "GAME" LIKE GO OUT AND HAVE THE SAME LINES I HAD FROM WHEN I FIRST MET HER.

SO ALL THE YOUNG CATS THAT CAME UP WITH THE NEW GAME

AND NOW I'M OUT SAYING OLD STUFF.

"HEY HOW YOU DOING, MISS LADY. MISS LADY. BABY. BABY GIRL.

- BABY CHOCOLATE. CHOCOLATE." - [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT DUDE. I KNOW A LOT OF Y'ALL ARE LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT?"

THE DeRAY WAY, YEAH, IT MIGHT NOT BE THE RIGHT WAY.

BUT HELL, TRY IT. YOU GOTTA DO IT THE DeRAY WAY.

PIMP-PROOF YOUR HOUSE, MAN. A LOT OF MEN DON'T KNOW--

AND I'M GONNA GIVE YOU GUYS THIS LESSON.

IF YOU DOWANT TO COME HOME LATE,

GO TO AN ACTING CLASS BECAUSE WOMEN ARE TIRED OF YOUR LIES.

WOMEN HAVE SEEN THE SAME LIES.

HOW MANY WOMEN ARE SICK OF THE LIES,

SICK OF YOUR MAN COMING HOME, ALWAYS HAVING TO DROP SOMEBODY OFF

OR DO SOMETHING ELSE? THAT'S WHY HE'S LATE.

OR HE GOT IN AN ARGUMENT AT THE CLUB AND THE BOUNCERS

- WOULDN'T LET HIM LEAVE. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU GOTTA MAKE YOUR WOMAN FEEL BAD.

YOU GOTTA PIMP-PROOF YOUR HOUSE.

MAKE YOUR WOMAN FEEL BADTHAT YOU COME IN LATE.MAKE HER FEEL MESSED UP.

I COME IN LATE, I KNOW SHE'S STANDING THERE MAD,

I COME IN MAD.I COME IN SLAM THE DOOR.

[SLAMS DOOR, HYPERVENTILATING]

SHE'S LIKE, "WHERE HAVE YOU--"

"WHEW! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY TRIED TO SHOOT AT ME!"

WALK AWAY. "WHO TRIED TO SHOOT AT YOU?

WHO TRIED TO KILL MY BABY.""I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I'M GONNA GO OUT EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK UNTIL I FIND HIM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO IT THE DeRAY WAY.

AND THE LAST THING I'M GONNA TELL WOMEN.

IF YOU HAVE A GOOD MAN-- IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOUR HEART

YOU HAVE A GOOD MAN-- AND A GOOD MAN DOES NOT MEAN

THAT HE DOESN'T SEE OTHER WOMEN...

[LAUGHTER]

A GOOD MAN MEANS HE COMES HOME 'CAUSE SOME MEN DON'T.

STAY OUT OF HIS THINGS.

WOMEN LOVE TO SEARCH THROUGH MEN'S THINGS.

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

YOU SEARCH FOR THINGSAND YOU HURT YOURSELVES.

- WHY? - [APPLAUSE]

DON'T SEARCH AND HURT YOURSELF. YOU LOOKING FOR STUFF.

LIKE WOMEN LOVE TO READYOUR TEXT MESSAGES.

STAY THE HELL OUT OF A MAN'S TEXT MESSAGE.

AND MEN, SOMETIMES IT'S YOUR FAULT, TOO

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO IT THE DeRAY WAY.

YOU DIDN'T PIMP-PROOF YOUR HOUSE.

BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP, THIS IS WHAT I DO.

I SEND MYSELF A TEXT. THAT WAY WHEN SHE OPEN IT,

IT'S ME. "CLOSE MY DAMN PHONE BEFORE I WAKE UP AND WE ARGUE."

I'M DeRAY Y'ALL, PEACE OUT.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONS MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Services www.mCCaption.com

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