Front Yard Comedy

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 11/21/2013

One lucky guest doles out jokes to passed out drunks at the front door of Adam's place. Featuring comedians Annie Lederman, Austin Anderson and Hampton Yount.

[shouting][dance music]

- WHAT'S UP, ADAM DEVINE?

- MM.- THOMAS, THOMAS KELLOGG.

WHAT'S UP? HEY.- OH.

- LET MEGET ON THE SHOW, BRO.

- AH, YEAH.

- YEAH, YEAH.I GOT A LOT OF JOKES.

- YEAH.- I GOT A JOKE ABOUT MY MOM

AND HOW, LIKE--LIKE,SHE NEVER MAKES DINNER ON TIME.

- MAN, THAT SOUNDS...HOT,BUT WE'RE ALL BOOKED UP,

UNFORTUNATELY, FOR TONIGHT,SO WE DON'T HAVE ANY SLOTS.

- ADAM? HEY.- HEY.

- HAMPTON.- HAMPTON.

- HAM--HAMPTON.- HAM.

- LISTEN, THIS ISTOTALLY A WEIRD QUESTION.

CAN I TRY DOING SOME STAND-UPON YOUR SHOW TONIGHT?

- DO YOU DO STAND-UP?- I TOOK A CLASS.

- WELL, THEN CLOSE OUT THE SHOW,HAMPTON.

- THANK YOU, MAN.- HAM.

HAM.

THIS PARTY NEEDS SOME HAM!

- WHAT THE [bleep], DUDE?

- MM.- I'M GONNA MURDER MYSELF

AT YOUR PARTY.I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF.

I'M GONNA STRING MYSELFUP IN THE FRONT.

- OKAY,LET'S TAKE A KNEE.

ARE YOU GONNA KILL YOURSELF?- I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF.

- YOU'RE GONNA KILL YOURSELF?- YEAH, I'M GONNA KILL--

- ARE YOU GONNA KILL YOURSELF?- I'M GONNA KILL MYS--

- ARE YOU GONNA KILL YOURSELF?- I DON'T WANT TO!

- GUESS WHAT I'M GONNA DOFOR YOU...RYAN?

- IT'S THOMAS.- THOMAS, I AM GONNA BLESS YOU.

I'M GONNA BLESS YOU...WITH THE CHANCE OF DOING COMEDY,

LIVE,HERE AT THE PARTY,

BUT IT'S NOTGONNA BE IN THE BACKYARD.

I NEED LAUGHSCOMING THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

RIGHT?SOME FRONT YARD COMEDY.

- I KNOW, I GET IT, YEAH.- YEAH, SOME ROGUE SHIT.

- YEAH!

- ARE YOU GONNA KILL YOURSELF?- NO.

- OKAY,I DID THAT PREEMPTIVELY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAYTHAT YOU WERE.

- I'M NOT GONNA KILL MYSELF.

- OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.- YEAH.

- YEAH, OKAY.

YEAH--DON'T HUG ME.

WELCOME TO THE BIG LEAGUES,MY MAN.

- YEAH, ALL RIGHT.- OKAY.

- SO WHAT'S UP?

- MMM!

WHAT UP,BOOBOO [bleep] BUTT?

HOW MANY ORGASMSDID YOU HAVE EARLIER?

- UH, ZERO ORGASMS.ZERO.

LIKE RIGHT NOW,I'M HAVING ZERO ORGASMS,

SO THANK YOU FOR NOTHING.

- OOH!YOU NASTY, GIRL!

HELLO.I'M VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE.

I WANT TO TELL YOUABOUT MY OLD PARENTS.

IT'S SO ANNOYINGHAVING OLD PARENTS,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO, LIKE,

TELL THEM WHEN THEY'RE DOINGTHINGS STUPID.

I HAVE TO TELL MY PARENTS WHENTHEY'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

LIKE THIS MORNING,MY MOM CALLED ME

'CAUSE SHE THINKS HER DOGIS RACIST.

I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S RIDICULOUS,MOM, YOUR DOG CAN'T BE RACIST."

PUPPIES AREN'T BORNTO HATE.

THAT'S NOT A WORLDI WANT TO LIVE IN.

SHE'S LIKE, "NO, EVERY TIMEI WALK PINKY DOWN THE STREET

AND THERE'S A BLACK GUY,SHE JUST STARTS BARKING AT HIM."

I WAS LIKE, "MOM,THAT MEANS YOU'RE A RACIST.

"THAT MEANS WHENYOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET

"AND YOU SEE A BLACK GUY,YOU TENSE UP AND GET NERVOUS,

"THAT TUGS A LITTLE BITON THE LEASH

AND TRAINS PINKYTO ACT TO PROTECT YOU."

WHICH IS THE SAME PSYCHOLOGYI USE TO EXPLAIN WHY

WHEN I'M WALKING MY DOGBY A BLACK GUY,

SHE GOES UPAND SUCKS HIS [bleep].

SHE JUST CLIMBS UP HIS LEG,STARTS PAWING AT HIS BALLS.

LIKE MOMMY, LIKE PUPPY.

[audience cheering]

I'M JUST KIDDING.I DON'T HAVE A DOG.

MY DAD'S IN HIS MID-70s.THAT'S OLD AS SHIT.

WHEN HIS PARENTS WERE THAT AGE,THEY BOTH HAD ALZHEIMER'S,

SO HE'S FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT,AND THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM,

HE SAT ME DOWNAND HAD A CONVERSATION WITH ME.

HE SAID, "SWEETIE, IF I EVERSTART TO FORGET ANYTHING

OR SHOW ANY SYMPTOMS,PLEASE KILL ME."

I WAS LIKE, "DAD, YOU TOLD METHAT FIVE MINUTES AGO."

I TOOK THE KNIFE OUT OF MY BOOT,AND I STABBED HIM IN THE CHEST.

HE LIVED.

I'M A BAD DAUGHTER.

WHATEVER.

I DON'T KNOW,I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

I'M TRYINGTO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

THIS MORNING,I WOKE UP, AND I FLOSSED

FOR THE FIRST TIMESINCE, LIKE, THIRD GRADE.

IT REALLY SUCKED.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH BLOODI HAD STUCK BETWEEN MY TEETH.

LIKE, A FULL SINK.

I LOVE MOUSTACHES,BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE.

MY WIFE SAYS THEY'RE CREEPY.NOT FAIR, MAN.

I HAD A MOUSTACHE FOR A WEEK.IT WAS SWEET.

IT CHANGEDMY PERSONALITY.

I WANTED TO BUY A HORSE, TORIDE IT INTO SUNSETS, OF COURSE.

[whinnies]

BUT I HAVE FAMILY MEMBERSTHAT OWN HORSES.

THEY'RE LIKE, "DUDE,YOU CAN'T AFFORD A HORSE.

"ALL RIGHT?YOU'RE NOT FINANCIALLY ABLE.

THEY EAT A LOT."

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, "IF ICOULD FEED MY PREGNANT WIFE,

I'M PRETTY SUREI COULD FEED A HORSE."

[crowd jeeringand light applause]

YES, THE GUYS CLAPPINGHAD TO GET A SECOND JOB.

LIGHTEN UP, WOMEN,YOU HAD A HUMAN INSIDE YOU.

GUYS, WE HAVE NO EXCUSEFOR GETTING FAT.

I GAINED 20 POUNDSWHEN MY WIFE WAS PREGNANT,

AND IT WAS 'CAUSE I'M LAZYAND I LOVE BEER.

AND IT SUCKS GETTING FAT,DOES IT NOT?

BECAUSE, LIKE, ALL--YOU KNOW,

YOUR PANTSSTART TO GET TIGHTER,

BUT YOUR BRAIN'S LIKE,"WE'RE COOL.

KEEP EATING FOODWITH NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE."

AND I'M LIKE, "I WILL, BRAIN.I'LL START TOMORROW."

NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M WEARINGSWEAT PANTS TO A WEDDING.

I GOTTA GO TO THE FABRIC STORETO BUY A ZIPPER

TO GLUETO THE FRONT OF THEM,

SO WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"ARE THOSE SWEAT PANTS?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, THEY'RE SLACKS!CAN'T YOU SEE THE ZIPPER?

JEEZ, LOUISE, DUDE,GET OFF MY BACKS."

THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH, MAN.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ENJOY THE PAR-TAY.

OH...I DON'T DRINK.

I QUIT DRINKINGFOUR YEARS AGO.

MOST PEOPLE GET DRUNK, AND THEYMAKE PEOPLE FEEL REALLY BAD.

I HAD TO QUIT DRINKING'CAUSE I WOULD GET DRUNK,

AND I WOULD MAKE PEOPLEFEEL REALLY GOOD.

LIKE, REALLY, REALLY,REALLY GOOD.

LIKE, SO, SO GOOD THAT THEREWERE NO MEN AT MY INTERVENTION.

A LOT OF ANGRY WIVES.

MY GUY FRIENDS WERE LIKE,"YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

DO YOU WANT A RIDE HOMETO MY HOUSE?"

THE LAST NIGHT I DRANKWAS AWESOME.

I GOT SUPER WASTED,BLACKED OUT,

WENT BACK TO THE RESTAURANTI WORKED AT,

WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN,

AND HAD SEXWITH THE MARRIED DISHWASHER.

COMO SE DICE ROCK BOTTOM?

I DON'T REALLY LIKE HAVING SEXNOW THAT I'M SOBER.

I MEAN, I DO IT...A LOT,BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.

I MEAN, HAVE YOU HADSOBER SEX BEFORE?

YOU ARE THERE.IT IS DISGUSTING.

EW, EVERYTHING'S WET.IT'S GROSS.

I TRIED GIVING A HAND JOBRECENTLY.

JUST HAD A BREAKDOWNIN THE MIDDLE.

I WAS LIKE, I DON'T KNOWWHAT I'M DOING.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

- HE WAS LIKE,"JUST GET IT WET."

SO I CRIED ON HIS DICK.

IT WORKED.

I LOOK A LITTLE BITLIKE SCARLETT JOHANSSON...

IF SHE WAS IN A HOUSE FIRETHAT ONLY BURNED OFF HER TITS.

AND ALL OF HER MONEY.

AND, LIKE,ENOUGH OF HER FACE

FOR HER TO NOT BESCARLETT JOHANSSON.

HONESTLY, I HAD MY NIPPLESPIERCED WHEN I WAS 14.

[crowd cheering]YEAH.

YOU GUYS ARE WHITE TRASH.THAT'S WEIRD.

NEVER GET THAT REACTION.

BUT WHEN I WOULDFLASH PEOPLE,

IT JUST LOOKEDLIKE TWO DOOR KNOCKERS...

TO A DOOR THAT WASEXTREMELY EASY TO OPEN.

COME ON, 14 WITH NIPPLE RINGS,WHAT A WHORE.

I FLASHED A FIREFIGHTERLAST WEEK,

AND HE JUST WENT,"PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN, SON,"

AND PUT THE HOSE ON ME.

HE WAS LIKE, "SCRAM!GET OUT OF HERE!"

YOU GUYS, I'M ANNIE LEDERMAN.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[cheers and applause]

- WHAT IS UP?

IT'S TIME TO PARTY, GUYS.

YOU GUYS READY TO HAVEA GOOD TIME, LOOSEN UP?

I LOVE '90s MUSIC.THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT.

THAT'S WHATGETS ME GOING.

THAT'S WHY I WANTMARK WAHLBERG'S ACTING CAREER

TO TANK.

SO HE HAS TO COME BACK ASMARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH

TO PAY HIS BILLS!

ONE MORE TOUR, BABY.

HE USED TO PULL DOWNHIS PANTS

AND THRUSTIN CHILDREN'S FACES,

AND NO ONE CARED.

THEY WERE LIKE,"LET HIM DO IT.

HE'S HOT."

COULD YOU IMAGINETHE PUBLIC OUTCRY

IF MEAT LOAFWOULD HAVE DONE THAT?

HE WOULD'VE PULLED DOWNHIS PANTS AND--UGH, THRUSTED.

PEOPLE WOULD HAVE BEEN,"THAT IS DISGUSTING.

PUT YOUR MEAT AWAY, LOAF."

DUDE,I JUST HAD A BABY.

IT'S FUN, MAN.I LIKE BEING A DAD.

MY WIFEIS BREAST-FEEDING.

I'M VERY JEALOUS.

HE EATS LIKE A GREMLIN.

HE'S ALWAYS OVER THERE LIKE,"AH! AH!"

I'M LIKE, WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON OVER THERE?

AND HE'S ALWAYS JUST, LIKE,PUNCHING IT AND BITING IT

AND PULLING ON IT.

I'M LIKE,QUIT STRETCHING IT OUT, MAN.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?WE SHARE THAT.

I CAN'T EVEN CONCENTRATEWHEN WE'RE HAVING SEX.

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT ISTHAT I'M GETTING SLOPPY SECONDS.

IT'S TERRIBLE.

I LIKE BEING MARRIED,JUST NOBODY TOLD ME

IT WAS GONNA BE LIKEBEING GROUNDED ALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KIDAND MY MOM GROUNDED ME,

I COULD CONVINCE HERTO LET ME GO TO THE PARK

AND SWING ON THE SWINGS.

MY WIFE'S LIKE,"THE SWINGS ARE BROKEN."

I'M LIKE, "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"SHE HOLDS UP A CHAIN.

I'M LIKE, "NO!WHY'D YOU CUT 'EM?"

SHE'S LIKE,"GET INSIDE AND WATCH LIFETIME,

"WHERE YOU BELONG.

THERE'S A GOOD ONE ON.IT'S ONLY FOUR HOURS."

I'M LIKE, "NORA ROBERTS,YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!"

IF YOU DON'T KNOWWHO NORA ROBERTS IS,

SHE WRITESHORRIBLE FOUR-HOUR MOVIES

THEY PUT ON SUNDAY AFTERNOONSRIGHT AFTER CHURCH

TO PUNISH YOUFOR YOUR SINS.

- THE OTHER DAY,I THOUGHT UP A NEW DANCE MOVE,

AND I CALL IT "THE PUPPY,"AND ALL YOU DO IS,

YOU JUST--YOU JUST WIPEYOUR BUTT ON THE GROUND,

BUT THEN YOU MAKEA REALLY, REALLY CUTE FACE,

AND NO ONE'S MAD AT YOU.YOU FEEL ME?

- ♪ KEEP DREAMING,LITTLE DREAMER ♪

- WHAT THE [bleep]ARE YOU DOING?

- WHAT?NOTHING.

- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SINGING.- I'M EXCITED

TO SEE YOUR SET TONIGHT, DUDE,YOU'RE GONNA KILL IT.

- THANKS, THANKS, MAN.- LATER.

- YEAH, LATER.

- ♪ KEEP STANDING UP,YOUNG-- ♪

- ♪ MAN

- NO.OKAY, THERE'S JUST ONE.

THERE'S JUST ONE.

- HEADLINER COMING THROUGH.

UH-OH, WHO WANTS TO TAKE SHOTSWITH TONIGHT'S HEADLINER?

- I'M A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC,BUT THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR YOUR SENSITIVITY.

- I AM SENSITIVE.THAT'S WHY...

THESE WERE FOR WHOEVERPASSES ME RIGHT NOW.

- OOH.- ENJOY.

- DOWN THE HATCH.

- THAT'S PRETTY SENSITIVE OF ME.HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS...

- UP THE HATCH.- IN NEED.

MM.

MM.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?- MM.

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?GOD!

- REMEMBER THIS MOVE?

- NO.- CALL THIS ONE "THE MOPED."

REMEMBER THAT?- NO.

- OH, AUSTIN.

DUDE, YOU KILLED--- NO, NO, DUDE.

NO, NO.- KILLED IT TONIGHT.

- WHAT'S--YOU GOT PANTIES ON YOUR--

- YEAH, WELL,I HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN.

- YOU SMELL LIKE PUKE.- YEAH, WELL,

I WAS PUKED ON ALSO.- HEY, PARTY'S DEAD, MAN.

- EH.- IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING

TO DOWITH THE WEIRD HAM SITUATION.

- IT'S FANTASTIC.ENJOY A SLICE.

- DUDE,THAT'S PRETTY DISGUSTING.

- YEAH, THAT'S--THAT'S BEEN OUT FOR A WHILE.

DON'T EAT THE HAM!

- HEY, HEY, I'M GONNA--I'M GOING TO JEFF ROSS'.

HE'S HAVING A PARTY, DUDE.ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN THIS.

- YOU MIND IF I ROLL?

ON THE D.L., I'M GONNASLIP OUT OF THIS BITCH.

- DUDE, HE SPECIFICALLY SAIDTHAT HE DIDN'T WANT YOU TO COME,

MAN, SOMETHING ABOUT HATINGYOUR PRESENCE.

- NO, I GET THAT.I'M HEADLINING ANYWAY,

SO I COULDN'T EVEN GO.- YEAH, YEAH, DUDE.

NO, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.YOU'RE GONNA DO AWESOME, SO...

- HEY, GIVE HIMMY BLESSINGS.

YEAH.- ALL RIGHT, LOVE YOU, DUDE.

- YEAH,LOVE YOU TOO, BRO.

- HEY, ADAM?

- YO.- YOU NEED TO INTRODUCE

THE NEXT COMIC,OR I'M GONNA GO HOME.

- OH, I NEED TO INTRODUCETHE NEXT COMIC,

OR KYLE'S GONNA GO HOME.

[mock crying]

- ARE YOU DONE?

- OKAY.- YEAH, GOOD, WONDERFUL.

- I NEED TO PUT ON A SHIRT THEN.- COOL.

[cheers and applause]

- ALL RIGHT.

I LIVE IN L.A. RIGHT NOW,WHICH IS A GOOD--

IT'S A GOOD PLACE.I LIKE IT.

I LIKE THE--I LIKETHE LOCAL NEWS WHERE I LIVE.

I WATCHA LOT OF LOCAL NEWS.

I LIKE IT,'CAUSE IT'S JUST AWFUL.

LIKE, I LIKE THAT,'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS--

THEY'RE SO DOPEYABOUT IT.

THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO DOTHIS WEIRD, LIKE,

KIND OF, LIKE, SINGSONGY,CHILDISH INTRO INTO STORIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?LIKE, THEY NEVER

JUST START A STORY.

THEY ALWAYS NEED TO FINDA WEIRD WAY INTO IT,

WHERE THEY'LL JUST BE LIKE,"EENY MEENY MINY MOE.

"CATCH A TIGER...IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?

A LOCAL ZOO HAS RECENTLY--"WHAT?

JUST START THE STORY.

"ME CHINESE.ME PLAY JOKE.

"ME PUT POISONIN YOUR COKE?

"TRAGEDY STRIKES BEIJINGTODAY.

SEVEN DEAD,THREE HORNY."

"WE'VE ALL HEARD OF THE OLDWOMAN WHO LIVES IN A SHOE,

"BUT AN OLD MANWHO HAS SEX WITH SHOES?

TOM SCHNEIDER'SON SCENE TODAY."

[laughing]I ALWAYS DO THAT.

"WE'VE ALL HEARDOF THE BLUE MAN GROUP,

"BUT THREE BODIES HAVE BEENFOUND IN COMPTON TODAY.

POLICE ARE BAFFLED."

I TRY AND STAY INFORMED.I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE, I LIKE--I LIKE POLITICS A LITTLE BIT,

LIKE, THE GAME OF IT.IT JUST MAKES ME THINK,

WOULD WE HAVE MADE ITAS FAR AS WE HAVE AS A SOCIETY

IF WE JUST ALWAYS HADSCARY-AS-SHIT POLITICAL ADS?

I DON'T THINK SO.I DON'T THINK WE WOULD HAVE

MADE IT THIS FARWITH ADS JUST LIKE,

"ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAYSHE WANTS TO END THE CIVIL WAR.

"BUT WHY DOES HE SPENDALL OF HIS FREE TIME

"AT THE THEATER?

"PAID FOR BY THE COUNCILOF JOHN WILKES BOOTH

FOR A BETTER AMERICA."

"GEORGE WASHINGTON SAYSHE WANTS TO BE YOUR PRESIDENT,

BUT WHAT'S A PRESIDENT?"

"F.D.R. WON'T STANDFOR HIS COUNTRY."

OH, TOO ZUNE.

TOO MICROSOFTMP3 PLAYER ZUNE.

[laughs]

I USED TO GOTO MCDONALD'S A LOT.

I WAS THINKINGABOUT HOW THE CHARACTERS

TO SELL MCDONALD'S--LIKE, THE RONALD MCDONALD GANG,

THAT ISTHE WEIRDEST AMALGAMATION

OF THINGS, LIKE, EVER.

I IMAGINEIT WAS JUST, LIKE,

THE MCDONALD'S P.R. DEPARTMENTJUST HIRED, LIKE,

A GERMAN PERFORMANCE ARTISTTO COME UP WITH THE CHARACTERS.

[German accent]I HAVE THE PERFECT WAY

TO SELLYOUR HAMMED-BURGERS.

IMAGINE A CLOWNDRESSED IN COLORS

THAT WOULD MAKEA PREGNANT WOMAN VOMIT.

HE GIVES BAGS OF SALTED MEATSTO CHILDREN.

HIS BEST FRIENDSARE A FLIGHTLESS BIRD,

A CRIMINAL,

AND THE PHYSICAL EMBODIMENTOF SORROW, THE GRIMACE!

HIS NAME MEANS"TO BE SAD."

LAST THING.UH.

I LOVE IT,

WHENEVER THEY PLAY, LIKE,ANTI-MARIJUANA ADS

ON TV FOR KIDS.

LIKE, THOSE ARE HYSTERICAL.

EVERY TIME I SEE THOSE ADS,I'M LIKE,

"WERE THEY HIGHWHEN THEY WROTE THAT SHIT?"

LIKE--LIKE, THE REALLYLOW-RENT ONES YOU'LL SEE

WHERE, LIKE, A DOGIS TALKING TO A GIRL.

"HEY, VANESSA, DON'T SMOKE POT.IT'S ME, YOUR DOG."

OKAY.

THERE'S ONE WHERE THERE'S A GIRLALL MELTED ON THE COUCH

WITH NO BONES.SHE'S LIKE,

"I SMOKE POT.NOW, I DON'T HAVE BONES."

HEY, I'VE GOT GREAT NEWSFOR YOU.

IF YOU'RE SEEING DOGSTALK TO YOU

AND NO BONESINSIDE YOUR BODY,

THAT WASN'T POT.

THAT WAS METHOR SOMETHING.

YOU NEED TO GOTO A HOSPITAL.

THE WORST ONEI'VE EVER SEEN--

THEY PLAYED THIS ALL THE TIMEWHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

IT'S A GIRL, SHE'S GETTING HIGHAT A HOUSE PARTY,

AND SHE'S LIKE...[inhales]

"I'M SO HIGH RIGHT NOW!"

LIKE, INSTANTLY HIGHIN THE AD.

LIKE, SUPER QUICK.

LIKE, REPUBLICANS,IT'S NOT THAT QUICK.

NO ONE'S JUST LIKE...[inhales]

"JAZZ MUSIC!"[scatting]

"WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT?"

IT TAKES A MINUTE

TO GET HIGHAND START ATTACKING WHITE WOMEN.

THEY DID A STUDY IN THE '70s.EVERYONE KNOWS THIS.

SO THIS GIRL IN THE AD,SHE'S LIKE,

"I'M SO HIGH,I GOTTA GO LAY DOWN."

SO SHE GOES UPSTAIRSDURING THIS HOUSE PARTY,

GOES,LAYS DOWN IN THE BEDROOM.

LIKE, A SECOND LATER,YOU SEE SOME, LIKE, DUDE--

SOME DUDE'S SHADOWIN THE DOORWAY,

JUST THIS OMINOUS SILHOUETTEOF A BRO.

HE CLOSES THE DOOR,SCREEN GOES DARK,

AND THEN, CUTTINGTHROUGH THE DARKNESS, YOU HEAR,

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,"

WHICH IS HORRIFYING.

AND THEN, YOU HEARAN ANNOUNCER'S VOICE GO,

"IF YOU SMOKE POT,YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE THE POWER

TO KEEP BAD THINGSFROM HAPPENING TO YOU."

I WAS LIKE, SHOULDN'T THAT ADJUST BE "DON'T RAPE"?

LIKE, I THINK--

I THINK WE'RE MISSINGTHE MUCH LARGER ISSUE.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED, MAN?

NOBODY SAW THAT ADAND WAS LIKE,

"OH, THE POT, NO!"

I JUST LOVE, LIKE, THE AD HADTHIS WEIRD ATTITUDE OF, LIKE,

"PEOPLE ARE GONNA RAPE.

"NOTHING WE CAN DOABOUT THAT, GIRLY.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER,HIPPIES."

- AND NOW,FOR YOUR MAIN EVENT,

THE HEADLINEROF THIS EVENING...

ADAM DEVINE!

[grunts]YEAH!

ARE YOU READY?

[pants ripping]OH, SHEESH, [bleep].

YEAH!

[distant cheering]

HELLO?

HELLO!

ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE--- [barking]

- TRYING TO BE PROFESSIONAL.

- MOTHER[bleep]ING CELEBRITIESOR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT!

- HEY!

- LIKE I'M ON SOME "A" LIST!

SHIT, I AIN'TON NO "A" LIST!

I AIN'T ON NO "B" LIST,"C" LIST, "D" LIST, OR "A" LIST!

I'M ON THATMOTHER[bleep]ING "F" LIST!

YOU FEEL ME?

I'M ON THAT "F" LIST!

LIKE, I'LL [bleep] ANYBODYTO GET FAMOUS!

T.K.'S HOUSE PARTY!

[cheers and applause]

- YEAH!

IT'S ADAM DEVINE'SHOUSE PARTY!

I TAUGHT HIMEVERYTHING HE KNOWS.

KEEP IT GOING FOR ME!

- LOOK AT MY HEART!THAT'S MY HEART!

MY HEART!

- I WOULD LOVE TO [bleep] YOU.THAT'S--

I WOULD LOVE TO AGAIN.

I WOULD LOVE--OKAY, I'M UP NEXT.

[thud]OW!

- YOU WANT A HAM SANDWICH?

- YES!

[harmonica playing]- ♪ WONK WONK

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