Front Yard Comedy

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 11/22/2013

One lucky guest doles out jokes to passed out drunks at the front door of Adam's place. Featuring comedians Annie Lederman, Austin Anderson and Hampton Yount.

I WANT TO TELL YOUABOUT MY OLD PARENTS.

IT'S SO ANNOYINGHAVING OLD PARENTS,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO, LIKE,

TELL THEM WHEN THEY'RE DOINGTHINGS STUPID.

I HAVE TO TELL MY PARENTS WHENTHEY'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

LIKE THIS MORNING,MY MOM CALLED ME

'CAUSE SHE THINKS HER DOGIS RACIST.

I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S RIDICULOUS,MOM, YOUR DOG CAN'T BE RACIST."

PUPPIES AREN'T BORNTO HATE.

THAT'S NOT A WORLDI WANT TO LIVE IN.

SHE'S LIKE, "NO, EVERY TIMEI WALK PINKY DOWN THE STREET

AND THERE'S A BLACK GUY,SHE JUST STARTS BARKING AT HIM."

I WAS LIKE, "MOM,THAT MEANS YOU'RE A RACIST.

"THAT MEANS WHENYOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET

"AND YOU SEE A BLACK GUY,YOU TENSE UP AND GET NERVOUS,

"THAT TUGS A LITTLE BITON THE LEASH

AND TRAINS PINKYTO ACT TO PROTECT YOU."

WHICH IS THE SAME PSYCHOLOGYI USE TO EXPLAIN WHY

WHEN I'M WALKING MY DOGBY A BLACK GUY,

SHE GOES UPAND SUCKS HIS [bleep].

SHE JUST CLIMBS UP HIS LEG,STARTS PAWING AT HIS BALLS.

LIKE MOMMY, LIKE PUPPY.

[audience cheering]

I'M JUST KIDDING.I DON'T HAVE A DOG.

MY DAD'S IN HIS MID-70s.THAT'S OLD AS SHIT.

WHEN HIS PARENTS WERE THAT AGE,THEY BOTH HAD ALZHEIMER'S,

SO HE'S FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT,AND THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM,

HE SAT ME DOWNAND HAD A CONVERSATION WITH ME.

HE SAID, "SWEETIE, IF I EVERSTART TO FORGET ANYTHING

OR SHOW ANY SYMPTOMS,PLEASE KILL ME."

I WAS LIKE, "DAD, YOU TOLD METHAT FIVE MINUTES AGO."

I TOOK THE KNIFE OUT OF MY BOOT,AND I STABBED HIM IN THE CHEST.

HE LIVED.

I'M A BAD DAUGHTER.

WHATEVER.

I DON'T KNOW,I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

I'M TRYINGTO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

THIS MORNING,I WOKE UP, AND I FLOSSED

FOR THE FIRST TIMESINCE, LIKE, THIRD GRADE.

IT REALLY SUCKED.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH BLOODI HAD STUCK BETWEEN MY TEETH.

MY WIFE SAYS THEY'RE CREEPY.NOT FAIR, MAN.

I HAD A MOUSTACHE FOR A WEEK.IT WAS SWEET.

IT CHANGEDMY PERSONALITY.

I WANTED TO BUY A HORSE, TORIDE IT INTO SUNSETS, OF COURSE.

[whinnies]

BUT I HAVE FAMILY MEMBERSTHAT OWN HORSES.

THEY'RE LIKE, "DUDE,YOU CAN'T AFFORD A HORSE.

"ALL RIGHT?YOU'RE NOT FINANCIALLY ABLE.

THEY EAT A LOT."

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, "IF ICOULD FEED MY PREGNANT WIFE,

I'M PRETTY SUREI COULD FEED A HORSE."

[crowd jeeringand light applause]

YES, THE GUYS CLAPPINGHAD TO GET A SECOND JOB.

LIGHTEN UP, WOMEN,YOU HAD A HUMAN INSIDE YOU.

GUYS, WE HAVE NO EXCUSEFOR GETTING FAT.

I GAINED 20 POUNDSWHEN MY WIFE WAS PREGNANT,

AND IT WAS 'CAUSE I'M LAZYAND I LOVE BEER.

AND IT SUCKS GETTING FAT,DOES IT NOT?

BECAUSE, LIKE, ALL--YOU KNOW,

YOUR PANTSSTART TO GET TIGHTER,

BUT YOUR BRAIN'S LIKE,"WE'RE COOL.

KEEP EATING FOODWITH NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE."

AND I'M LIKE, "I WILL, BRAIN.I'LL START TOMORROW."

NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M WEARINGSWEAT PANTS TO A WEDDING.

I GOTTA GO TO THE FABRIC STORETO BUY A ZIPPER

TO GLUETO THE FRONT OF THEM,

SO WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"ARE THOSE SWEAT PANTS?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, THEY'RE SLACKS!CAN'T YOU SEE THE ZIPPER?

JEEZ, LOUISE, DUDE,GET OFF MY BACKS."

THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH, MAN.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ENJOY THE PAR-TAY.

OOOH, I DON'T DRINK.

I QUIT DRINKINGFOUR YEARS AGO.

MOST PEOPLE GET DRUNK, AND THEYMAKE PEOPLE FEEL REALLY BAD.

I HAD TO QUIT DRINKING'CAUSE I WOULD GET DRUNK,

AND I WOULD MAKE PEOPLEFEEL REALLY GOOD.

LIKE, REALLY, REALLY,REALLY GOOD.

LIKE, SO, SO GOOD THAT THEREWERE NO MEN AT MY INTERVENTION.

A LOT OF ANGRY WIVES.

MY GUY FRIENDS WERE LIKE,"YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

DO YOU WANT A RIDE HOMETO MY HOUSE?"

THE LAST NIGHT I DRANKWAS AWESOME.

I GOT SUPER WASTED,BLACKED OUT,

WENT BACK TO THE RESTAURANTI WORKED AT,

WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN,

AND HAD SEXWITH THE MARRIED DISHWASHER.

COMO SE DICE ROCK BOTTOM?

I DON'T REALLY LIKE HAVING SEXNOW THAT I'M SOBER.

I MEAN, I DO IT...A LOT,BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.

I MEAN, HAVE YOU HADSOBER SEX BEFORE?

YOU ARE THERE.IT IS DISGUSTING.

EW, EVERYTHING'S WET.IT'S GROSS.

JUST HAD A BREAKDOWNIN THE MIDDLE.

I WAS LIKE, I DON'T KNOWWHAT I'M DOING.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

IT WORKED.

I LOOK A LITTLE BITLIKE SCARLETT JOHANSSON...

IF SHE WAS IN A HOUSE FIRETHAT ONLY BURNED OFF HER TITS.

AND ALL OF HER MONEY.

AND, LIKE,ENOUGH OF HER FACE

FOR HER TO NOT BESCARLETT JOHANSSON.

HONESTLY, I HAD MY NIPPLESPIERCED WHEN I WAS 14.

[crowd cheering]YEAH.

YOU GUYS ARE WHITE TRASH.THAT'S WEIRD.

NEVER GET THAT REACTION.

BUT WHEN I WOULDFLASH PEOPLE,

IT JUST LOOKEDLIKE TWO DOOR KNOCKERS...

TO A DOOR THAT WASEXTREMELY EASY TO OPEN.

COME ON, 14 WITH NIPPLE RINGS,WHAT A WHORE.

I FLASHED A FIREFIGHTERLAST WEEK,

AND HE JUST WENT,"PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN, SON,"

AND PUT THE HOSE ON ME.

UH-OH, WHO WANTS TO TAKE SHOTSWITH TONIGHT'S HEADLINER?

- I'M A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC,BUT THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR YOUR SENSITIVITY.

- I AM SENSITIVE.THAT'S WHY...

THESE WERE FOR WHOEVERPASSES ME RIGHT NOW.

- OOH.- ENJOY.

- DOWN THE HATCH.

- THAT'S PRETTY SENSITIVE OF ME.HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS...

- UP THE HATCH.- IN NEED.

MM.

MM.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?- MM.

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?GOD!

- REMEMBER THIS MOVE?

- NO.- CALL THIS ONE "THE MOPED."

REMEMBER THAT?- NO.

- OH, AUSTIN.

DUDE, YOU KILLED--- NO, NO, DUDE.

NO, NO.- KILLED IT TONIGHT.

- WHAT'S--YOU GOT PANTIES ON YOUR--

- YEAH, WELL,I HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN.

- YOU SMELL LIKE PUKE.- YEAH, WELL,

I WAS PUKED ON ALSO.- HEY, PARTY'S DEAD, MAN.

- EH.- IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING

TO DOWITH THE WEIRD HAM SITUATION.

- IT'S FANTASTIC.ENJOY A SLICE.

- DUDE,THAT'S PRETTY DISGUSTING.

- YEAH, THAT'S--THAT'S BEEN OUT FOR A WHILE.

DON'T EAT THE HAM!

- HEY, HEY, I'M GONNA--I'M GOING TO JEFF ROSS'.

HE'S HAVING A PARTY, DUDE.ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN THIS.

- YOU MIND IF I ROLL?

ON THE D.L., I'M GONNASLIP OUT OF THIS BITCH.

- DUDE, HE SPECIFICALLY SAIDTHAT HE DIDN'T WANT YOU TO COME,

MAN, SOMETHING ABOUT HATINGYOUR PRESENCE.

- NO, I GET THAT.I'M HEADLINING ANYWAY,

SO I COULDN'T EVEN GO.- YEAH, YEAH, DUDE.

NO, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.YOU'RE GONNA DO AWESOME, SO...

- HEY, GIVE HIMMY BLESSINGS.

YEAH.- ALL RIGHT, LOVE YOU, DUDE.

- YEAH,LOVE YOU TOO, BRO.

- HEY, ADAM?

- YO.- YOU NEED TO INTRODUCE

THE NEXT COMIC,OR I'M GONNA GO HOME.

- OH, I NEED TO INTRODUCETHE NEXT COMIC,

OR KYLE'S GONNA GO HOME.

[mock crying]

- ARE YOU DONE?

- OKAY.- YEAH, GOOD, WONDERFUL.

- I NEED TO PUT ON A SHIRT THEN.- COOL.

- ALL RIGHT.

I LIVE IN L.A. RIGHT NOW,WHICH IS A GOOD--

IT'S A GOOD PLACE.I LIKE IT.

I LIKE THE--I LIKETHE LOCAL NEWS WHERE I LIVE.

I WATCHA LOT OF LOCAL NEWS.

I LIKE IT,'CAUSE IT'S JUST AWFUL.

LIKE, I LIKE THAT,'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS--

THEY'RE SO DOPEYABOUT IT.

THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO DOTHIS WEIRD, LIKE,

KIND OF, LIKE, SINGSONGY,CHILDISH INTRO INTO STORIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?LIKE, THEY NEVER

JUST START A STORY.

THEY ALWAYS NEED TO FINDA WEIRD WAY INTO IT,

WHERE THEY'LL JUST BE LIKE,"EENY MEENY MINY MOE.

"CATCH A TIGER...IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?

A LOCAL ZOO HAS RECENTLY--"WHAT?

JUST START THE STORY.

"ME CHINESE.ME PLAY JOKE.

"ME PUT POISONIN YOUR COKE?

"TRAGEDY STRIKES BEIJINGTODAY.

SEVEN DEAD,THREE HORNY."

"WE'VE ALL HEARD OF THE OLDWOMAN WHO LIVES IN A SHOE,

"BUT AN OLD MANWHO HAS SEX WITH SHOES?

TOM SCHNEIDER'SON SCENE TODAY."

[laughing]I ALWAYS DO THAT.

"WE'VE ALL HEARDOF THE BLUE MAN GROUP,

"BUT THREE BODIES HAVE BEENFOUND IN COMPTON TODAY.

POLICE ARE BAFFLED."

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