Monday, September 28, 2015

  • 09/28/2015

Jack McBrayer, Matt Walsh and Rob Riggle send a message to the Martians, evoke #AutumnIn3Words and solve social media mysteries.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPIDREFRESH.

VERY NICE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUTON A MONDAY.

LAST WEEK AMERICA CAUGHT POPEFEVER, WHICH IS A LOT BETTER

THAN WHAT YOU USUALLY CATCH FROMGUYS WHO JUST CAME HERE

FROM ITALY. HOWEVER, ONECOSPLAYING FAN TODDLED ABOVE

THE REST. BABY POPE, SEENHERE MAKING A POOP JOHN PAUL II

IN HER DIAPEY.

POPE FRANCIS NOTICED HIS MINI-MEAND WAS SO EXCITED

THAT HE STOLE IT.

"I'LL JUST BE TAKING THAT, THANKYOU.

AND THEY NEVER SAW THE BABYAGAIN.

"THIS IS HOW I STAY YOUNG!"

>> Chris: I AM JUST KIDDING,THERE IS MORE.

WELL, ACTUALLY IT LOOKS LIKE HISHOLINESS IS WHISPERING SOMETHING

TO THE BABY AT THE TIME WHEN HEKISSED HER BUT WE DON'T--NEITHER

OF THEM WERE MIKED. SOCOMEDIANS WHAT WAS HIS SECRET

MESSAGE TO HIS LITTLEST FAN?MATT WALSH.

>> MY KISS WILL KILL YOU WITHINTHREE DAYS. THERE CAN BE ONLY

ONE HIGHLANDER.

>> Chris: THAT WOULD BEAMAZING.

ALSO, "HIGHLANDER" WOULD HAVEBEEN A DIFFERENT MOVIE IF THEY

JUST HAD TO KISS EACH OTHER.

>> QUIVERING PALM IN HIS MOUTH.>> Chris: POINTS.

JACK MCBRAYER.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO.>> SHUT UP.

>> SEE HOW MEAN HE IS?

>> Chris: WOW, THE TEETH COMEOUT, JACK MCBRAYER.

>> NO ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU!

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

>> Chris: THIS IS PARTICULARLYEXCITING NEWS THAT FORTUNATELY

WILL NOT AFFECT ANYONE IN THEAUDIENCE BUT CALL IT A MAN BUN,

A TOP KNOT, A DOUCHE-ICORN, AHAIR HAT.

WHATEVER IT IS IT'S MAKINGYOU BALD.

OH [BLEEP], KARMA STRIKES AGAIN.

>> HEALTH SPECIALISTS SAY THETENSION TOP KNOTS PLACE ON HAIR

FOLLICLES CAUSE ACUTE BALDPATCHES FOR TRACTION ALOPECIA.

NOW I AM NOT A DOCTOR--IF YOUTHOUGHT I WAS, YOU'RE DUMB.

I WOULDN'T CALL THIS A CUTEBALD PATCH. YOU GOTTA STOP

DOING THE MAN BUNS, ALL RIGHT?

COMEDIANS WHAT IS ANOTHERHIPSTER TREND WITH A BAD SIDE

EFFECT? ROB?

>> BRAIDING YOUR BUSH HAIRCAUSES YOUR NUTS TO GO BALD

AS WELL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THAT WOULD SAVE SO MUCHTIME, THOUGH.

>> IT IS GOOD NEWS FOR THELADIES.

>> Chris: NOT IF THEY HAVE TOLIVE WITH THE PART WHERE YOU'RE

BRAIDING YOUR BALL HAIR.>> BUSH. THE BALLS GO--

>> BUSH IS ON TOP.>> BUSH IS ON TOP, YOU BRAID IT.

THE NUTS GO BALD, A LITTLE TREATFOR THE LADIES.

WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?

>> Chris: JACK MCBRAYER.

>> WEARING SKINNY JEANS WILLTURN YOUR GENITALS INTO A THIN

PUDDING.

>> Chris: OH, MY GOD.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OUR HASHTAGWARS.

ALL RIGHT.

SO AUTUMN IS BACK IN FULLEFFECT.

SCARVES ARE MAKING A COMEBACK,WHITE PEOPLE ARE SNORTING

PUMPKIN SPICE AND THE MOON ISEVEN CHANGING COLORS

FOR THE FALL.

SO TO KEEP THE SEASONALCELEBRATION GOING, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #AUTUMNIN3WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: "WHITE GIRLPARADISE," OR "THROBBING FOLIAGE

BONER." I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> ROB RIGGLE.

>> FOOTBALL, JACKOFF, FOOTBALL.

>> Chris: YES! POINTS.

MATT WALSH.

>> HAUNTED HOUSE ERECTIONS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JACK MCBRAYER.

>> HALLOWEEN CELEBRITYBLACKFACE.

>> Chris: WHO IS GOING TO BETHE ONE THIS YEAR? WHO IS GOING

TO BE THE ONE? TO (BLEEP) IT UPAND HAVE TO APOLOGIZE ON

NOVEMBER 1ST? POINTS.

MATT AGAIN.

>> UNNECESSARILY SLUTTY WITCHES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB RIGGLE.

>> HAYRIDE FINGERBANG BREAKUP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JACK MCBRAYER.

>> SEASONAL DEPRESSION, GO!

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB RIGGLE.

>> LEAF PILE (BLEEP)ING.

>> Chris: WAIT ARE YOU(BLEEP)ING IN THE LEAF PILE OR

[BLEEP] THE LEAF PILE?

>> ON IT, IN IT, AROUND IT, PUTIT ON THE HAYRIDE.

FINGER IT, PUT IT BACK ON THEGROUND.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB RIGGLE.

>> TRICK OR MCBRAYER.

>> Chris: DOES THAT MEAN I AMTHE TREAT?

>> Chris: YES.

YOU ARE THE TREAT.

>> NAMASTE.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY MYSPACECOLDCASE.

>> Chris: WE RECENTLY CAMEACROSS AN EERIE TUMBLR CALLED

"INTERNET HISTORY" THAT COLLECTSALL THE OLD PHOTOS WE LEFT

BEHIND WHEN WE ABANDONED OURMYSPACE AND FRIENDSTER PAGES

BACK IN 2006. LIKE THISMYSTERIOUS WOMAN.

RIGHT THERE.

WHO WAS SHE? WHAT'S HER DEAL?AND DID SHE EVER FINISH HER GAME

OF MOBILE TETRIS BEFORE HEADINGTO HER SHIFT AT BLOCKBUSTER?

>> BUT WHEN WE CAME ACROSS THISONE WE REALIZED WE MIGHT BE

ABLE SOLVE A FEW OF THESEMYSPACE COLD CASES.

SO COMEDIANS I'M GONNA SHOW YOUA SERIES OF PHOTOS, AND FOR 250

POINTS, I WANT YOU TO TAKE UPTHE MANTLE OF SOCIAL NETWORK

DETECTIVE AND TELL USEVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THESE

UNSOLVED CASES. MATT YOU ARE UPFIRST.

HERE IS THE FIRST IMAGE OF THISGRISLY SCENE.

>> FOUND THIS PERP TRYING TOSOLICIT BIRDS FOR PROSTITUTION

USING CROUTONS FOR CURRENCY.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

THEN MOVING ON, WHAT ABOUT THISGUYS?

>> WHEN WE GOT TO THE SCENE BENKINGSLEY WAS STILL JERKING OFF

IN THE BACKGROUND TO THE FIRE HESTARTED.

>> KINGSLEY STARTED THAT.

>> Chris: IT REALLY MAKESYOU FORGET ABOUT

THE UNDERAGED DRINKING.

THAT'S CLASSIC KINGSLEY.

>> THAT WASN'T THE CRIME,KINGSLEY WAS THE CRIME.

>> Chris: JACK, WOULD YOUPLEASE TELL US ABOUT THIS

INVESTIGATION?

>> OH, YES.

THESE BEARS ACTUALLYABDUCTED THREE KIDS,

THE FIRST ONE WAS TOO BIG.YOU GET IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: 250 POINTS FOR JACK

MCBRAYER.AND JACK, WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

>> THIS IS A LITTLE MORECOMPLICATED.

>> WE FINALLY BUSTED THOSESADDAM HUSSEIN MEMORABILIA

SMUGGLERS.

A FUN FACT.

THIS ONE WAS SIGNED BY THEENTIRE CAST OF "THE BIG BANG

THEORY."

>> Chris: OH, WOW. BAZINGA.

POINTS.

YES.

ROB.

>> THERE'S SOME CHILLINGCRIMES HERE AND WE'RE GONNA

NEED FOR YOU TO WALK US THROUGHTHEM.

WHAT ABOUT THIS CRIME?

>> UH-HUH.

I REMEMBER THIS SICK BASTARD.

RUNNING AN UNDERGROUND BABYFIGHTING RING.

CALLED BABY FIGHT CLUB.

I CAN'T TELL YOU ANYMORE BECAUSEOBVIOUSLY YOU KNOW THE FIRST

RULE OF BABY FIGHT CLUB.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS FOR THAT.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY'S

ACTUAL BROTHER ROOSTERMCCONAUGHEY WHO NAMED HIS SON

MILLER LITE WITH A "Y" ANDSCORED A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF BEER

OUT OF THE DEAL.

I ASKED YOU TO COME UP WITHROOSTER MCCONAUGHEY'S ACADEMY

AWARD ACCEPTANCE SPEECH. LET'SHEAR YOUR ANSWERS.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL THEASSEMBLED JEWS WHO GAVE ME THIS

AWARD.

YOU PROBABLY ARE GOING TO BURNIN ETERNAL HELLFIRE BUT YOU ARE

ALL RIGHT WITH ROOSTER.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WAS

ABLE TO GET GUNS INTO THEOSCARS.

>> HE IS A MCCONAUGHEY.

>> MATT WALSH.

>> SO MANY PEOPLE TO THANK:JESUS, COOTER, CODY, SCOBY,

COBURN, BIG JIMMY, SUZIE, LITTLEJIMMY, GOZER, REGULAR JIMMY,

OF COURSE JESUS AGAIN. AND MOSTOF ALL, SPONGEBOB FROM "SPONGE

OUT OF WATER." THAT GUY IS HILARIOUS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ROB RIGGLE.

>> OH, GOD I AM GETTING THEMUSIC ALREADY? ALL RIGHT? I

WANT TO THANK MY SON MILLER LITEAND MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE, CREST

WHITE STRIPS AND MY TWINDAUGHTERS, iPHONE 6, AND

iPHONE 6S.

AS WE GO TOOUR NEXT GAME, I, BIO-BOT.

THE STANDARD TWITTER BIO THESEDAYS USUALLY TENDS TO BE LIKE

"THING, THING AND THEN KOOKYTHIRD THING."

IT IS SUCH A PREDICTABLEFORMULA THAT SPAM BOTS HAVE

FIGURED IT OUT. NOW THEY JUSTGRAB PHOTOS OF UNSUSPECTING

PEOPLE AND JUST PAIR THEM WITHMECHANICALLY CONSTRUCTED NAMES

LIKE THIS NONPERSON, JORDANJIANG, WHO APPARENTLY IS

A MEDITATOR, A SPIRITUALITYNINJA AND A DOORMAN.

I THINK MEDITATOR WOULD MAKE ABAD DOORMAN.

THIS IS WHEN COMPUTERSBECOME SELF-AWARE. IT'S NOT

GOING TO BE THROUGH THEMILITARY; IT IS GOING TO BE

(BLEEP)ING SPAM BOTS. THEY AREGONNA BECOME SELF-AWARE

AND DROWN US OUT WITH PROMOTIONSFOR ROLEXS AND BIG DICK PILLS.

THEN THEY'LL START PLAYINGHASHTAG WARS AND THEN IT'S ALL

OVER. SO COMEDIANS, I'M GONNASHOW YOU A PHOTO, AND I WANT YOU

TO GIVE ME THAT SPAM BOT'STWITTER BIO.

I'M GONNA START THE CLOCK NOW.

>> FIRST UP, KRIMBERLY KIMPSON,A REAL PERSON. MATT WALSH.

>> MOM, WOLF, SIDE OF GAUC.

>> JACK MCBRAYER, POLE STOLSON.

>> HUNTING ENTHUSIAST,SIGHTSEER, SMALL WEINER.

>> NEXT ONE, MICHAEL MCGRICHAEL.

>> BANKER, DICK PILLS 50% OFF,VIRUS SCAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, MY FAVORITE, KENNEDICTBUMBERBATCH. JACK MCBRAYER.

>> A PHILOSOPHER, PLUMBER,BEAUTIFUL LATINA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONTIFER JERALDO.

>> MILK LOVER, POOP SOLDIER,RACIST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB RIGGLE.

>> FRIES, COLESLAW AND A SMALLGARDEN SALAD.

>> Chris: YES.

ALL OF THOSE, ALL OF THOSETHINGS, POINTS.

NEXT ONE, STU FRENCHERT.

>> JONAS BROTHER, BLUE CHEESE,BALDWIN BROTHER.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

LAST ONE, DESIREED'ANGELO-SMITH.

>> OH, YES.

CATHERINE THE GREAT AFICIONADO.

FATHER OF 43.

AND A GLUE PROTESTER.

>> Chris: YES -- AMAZING.

WE HAVE NOT THAT HAD ONE GOODCATHERINE THE GREAT

HORSE[BLEEP]ING JOKE ON THISSHOW BEFORE.