Extended - Thursday, August 7, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 08/07/2014

Megan Neuringer, Steve Agee and Doug Benson come up with attractions for a "Star Wars" amusement park, list #ShartToys and write captions for bizarre Instagram photos.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: LET'S BEGIN THE

PROGRAM.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)LAIST.COM WAS REPORTING THAT

DISNEY CEO BOB IGER MADE A MAJORANNOUNCEMENT ON A CONFERENCE

CALL THAT IS SURE TO MAKE STAR WARS FANS LOSE THEIR BANTHA

PUDU.

(LAUGHTER)NO, THERE'S NOT A SCENE IN

EPISODE SEVEN WHERE JAR JARBINKS GETS BURNED ALIVE, BUT...

(GROANS, LAUGHTER)(HIGH-PITCHED): ME'S ON FIRE!

(LAUGHTER)WHY DOESN'T NOBODY PUT ME OUT?

IT'S A-LIKE A-YOU'S A-LETTING MEBURN!

(LAUGHTER)I COULDN'T GO BACK IN THE WATER,

BUT I AGREE WITH THE AUDIENCE.

(GROANS)(APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)

THERE ARE PLANS FOR A STAR WARSTHEME PARK! FINALLY!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> WHY AM I CLAPPING?

>> HARDWICK: HOLD ON.

I FEEL A GREAT DISTURBANCE INTHE FORCE, AS IF MILLIONS OF

NERDS GOT BONERS AT ONCE ANDSUDDENLY BUSTED IN THEIR PADAWAN

TUNICS.

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE

ATTRACTIONS AT THE NEW STAR WARSTHEME PARK? STEVE AGEE.

>> UH, THE GEORGE LUCASCARBONITE DUNK TANK.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: SO GEORGE LUCAS

GETS DUNKED IN THE TANK AND THENHE FREEZES IN CARBONITE?

>> YEP.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

UH, DOUG BENSON.

>> AND YOU SAY TO HIM, "I HATEDTHE LAST STAR WARS," AND HE JUST

SAYS, "I KNOW."

(LAUGHTER)UH... (CHUCKLES)

PIRATES OF THE CALRISSIAN.

>> HARDWICK: OH!

UM... YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT'S EARLYIN THE GAME.

LET'S GIVE EVERYONE A HUNDREDPOINTS. NICE.

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, LORD HARDWICK.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: THIS COMING WEEKEND

MARKS THE BIRTH OF AN AMERICANICON-- ON AUGUST 9, 1944, SMOKEY

THE BEAR WAS CREATED TO SHAMECHILDREN INTO PREVENTING FOREST

FIRES.

(LAUGHTER)TO PUT A LOT OF FUCKIN' PRESSURE

ON ONE KID WATCHING THETELEVISION.

ONLY YOU!

WHAT?! I GOT SHIT TO DO, MAN!

I GOT LEGOS TO PUT AWAY!

IN HONOR OF SMOKEY'S BIRTHDAY,WE'D BE REMISS IF WE DIDN'T SHOW

YOU THIS AD FROM THE '70S THATWAS SERVICED ON BUZZFEED

STARRING A YOUNG JOANNA CASSIDY.

>> A CARELESS MATCH, ACIGARETTE, AND POOF, FIRE.

SO THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN THEFOREST... BE EXTRA CAREFUL,

OKAY?

(DEEP CHUCKLE)(DEEP VOICE): IF YOU KNEW IT WAS

ME, WOULD YOU HAVE LISTENED?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK (DEEP VOICE): UH...

I HOPE YOU FINISHED JERKING OFFBY THE TIME I TOOK MY LADY MASK

OFF.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)OH, YEAH, DON'T LIGHT SHIT ON

FIRE, EITHER.

(LAUGHTER)ALSO, DON'T STROKE TOO HARD.

FRICTION.

UH... DON'T... DON'T JERK OFFNEAR DRY LEAVES.

(LAUGHTER)>> YOUR DICK IS A FLINT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: IT'S BIGGER THAN A

FLINT, MEGAN!

>> OH, I'M JUST SAYING,ANYBODY'S.

>> HARDWICK: OH, OKAY, OKAY,GOOD, OKAY, GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, GIVE US AMORE APPROPRIATE SLOGAN FOR THIS

TERRIFYING FEVER DREAM VERSIONOF SMOKEY. DOUG BENSON.

>> BEARS'LL FUCK YOU UP.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)MENTALLY.

WITH THEIR MIND GAMES.

>> HARDWICK: I'LL GIVE YOU AHUNDRED POINTS.

DOUG, YOU SEEM... YOU SEEM EXTRAHIGH TONIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING)

>> WATCHING THAT COMMERCIALMAKES YOU FEEL HIGH.

IT'S CRAZY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE. UH, AS ALWAYS,KOTAKU.COM HAS COME THROUGH FOR

US AND TURNED US ON TO A TV SHOWFROM JAPAN THAT'S BEEN RAISING

EYEBROWS OVER THERE, ANDPROBABLY A BUNCH OF DICKS, TOO.

UH, THE THING IS, THE SHOW AIRSAT 1:00 A.M. AND IT'S ONLY FIVE

MINUTES LONG.

IT STARS JAPANESE ACTRESS RISAYOSHIKI, WHO FACILITATES A VERY

WEIRD FETISH.

WHAT IS RISA YOSHIKI'S SHOWABOUT?

IS IT...

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTS, GROANS)(BELL DINGS)

DOUG.

>> (LAUGHS): IT'S MY FAVORITETHING TO WATCH.

SHE EMASCULATES VIEWERS.

>> HARDWICK: THE CORRECT ANSWERIS...

C) SHE EMASCULATES VIEWERS FORFIVE MINUTES.

LET US ALL BE EMASCULATEDTOGETHER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I MEAN...

IF THAT WERE ANY MORE JAPANESE,IT WOULD SPROUT TENTACLES AND

FUCK YOU IN A SCHOOLGIRL OUTFIT.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)SO, FOR BONUS POINTS, YOU'VE ALL

BEEN HIRED TO WRITE FOR THISSHOW.

PLEASE GIVE ANOTHER LINE RISACOULD YELL AT JAPANESE

BUSINESSMEN. DOUG BENSON.

>> BEARS WILL FUCK YOU UP.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO DOUG

BENSON.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)NOW...

YOU'VE NOTICED SPONSORS RUNNINGFROM THE NETWORK LIKE CHILDREN

RUNNING FROM THE BEACH AFTERSEEING A FIN IN THE WATER--

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S SHART WEEKON COMEDY CENTRAL!

(ONE PERSON CLAPS ONCE)THAT ONE CLAP IS ABOUT WHAT THAT

DESERVES. UH...

(LAUGHTER)WE'VE BEEN CELEBRATING ALL WEEK

LONG WITH... WITH SHART TAGS,AND, UH, WE'RE GONNA GO OUT WITH

A SQUIRT.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS...

SHARTTOYS. SHARTTOYS.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: CRAP YOUR

PANTS ELMO!

OR LINCOLN LOGS.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)OR SORRY... ABOUT MY PANTS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND GO!

YES, STEVE AGEE.

>> SLIP IN SHIT 'N SLIDE.

>> HARDWICK: YES! (LAUGHING)POINTS. MEGAN.

>> PLOP-IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEP, GOOD. POINTS.

DOUG.

>> UH, SPEAK & SMELL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

YES, MEGAN.

>> SILLY POOPY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

YOU CAN MASH IT ONTO A COMICSTRIP AND IT... YEAH, I'LL GIVE

YOU THAT. POINTS.

YEAH, I LIKE THAT. DOUG.

>> LOWER G.I. JOE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: SO GOOD.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT COMES OUT?

COBRA!

POINTS TO DOUG. STEVE.

>> HOT STEAMING WHEELS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GODDAMN IT. DOUG.

>> PADDINGTON BEAR SHITS IN THEWOODS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> AND WILL FUCK YOU UP.

>> HARDWICK: AND WILL FUCK YOUUP. POINTS. POINTS. MEGAN.

>> SHARTS AGAINST HUMANITY.

>> HARDWICK: YES! EXCELLENT!

POINTS. NICE. MEGAN.

>> UH, STRAWBERRY SHARTCAKE.

>> HARDWICK: YES! GOOD! POINTS.

AND HER HAIR SMELLS LIKE...

>> SHARTS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. OKAY, GOOD.

POINTS. STEVE.

>> AND STRAWBERRIES.

>> RAINBOW SHITE.

>> HARDWICK: OH, SO GOOD!

YEAH, POINTS.

BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME FOR@JEOPARDY!

WELCOME TO @JEOPARDY!, YOURFAVORITE GAME SHOW PARODY WHERE

WE SHOW YOU PHOTOS FROMINSTAGRAM AND FOR POINTS YOU

MUST CAPTION THEM IN THE FORM OFA QUESTION, LIKE, "WHAT IS NOT

COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT?"TONIGHT YOU'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH

THESE @JEOPARDY! CATEGORIES:ME, MYSELFIE & I.

LOLCATS.

AND "POT"POURRI.

THAT IS WEED PICTURES POSTEDWITH THE HASHTAG "STONERNATION."

STEVE, YOU HAVE THE BOARD.

THERE IS NO CARD IN MY HAND.

>> CHRIS, I CHOOSE "ME, MYSELF &I"... "ME, MYSELFIE & I" FOR

600.

>> HARDWICK: ME, MYSELFIE & IFOR 600.

THESE BATHROOM BIKINI MODELS...

THESE BATHROOM BIKINI MODELS.

DOUG BENSON.

>> UH, WHAT IS THE LUIS GUZM√ĀNSTORY?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS TO DOUG BENSON, YOU HAVECONTROL OF THE BOARD.

I WILL TAKE ANSWERS FROM STEVEAND MEGAN.

>> WHAT IS THREE BLIND VIRGINSIN A BATHROOM?

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I-I'LLTHROW YOU SOME POINTS FOR THAT.

STEVE.

>> WHAT IS WEEKEND AT GAYBERNIE'S?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DOUG BENSON, YOU HAVE CONTROL OFTHE BOARD.

>> I'LL TAKE, UH, LOLCATS FOR600.

>> HARDWICK: LOLCATS FOR 600.

THE CAT IS ON A BENDER.

THIS CAT IS ON A BENDER...

WHO WANTS TO BUZZ IN?

(BELL DINGS)STEVE AGEE.

>> WHAT IS A CAT ABOUT TO GETTHE SHIT FUCKED OUT OF IT?

>> I MEAN...

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> TO TAG ON TO THAT-- WHAT IS,LIKE, THE BEST NIGHT AT THE

NEURINGER HOUSEHOLD?

>> HARDWICK: VERY FANCY.

UH, POINTS.

DOUG, YOU WANT TO THROW ONE IN?

>> KITTY BLING RING.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

OKAY, POINTS.

UH, STEVE AGEE, YOU HAVE CONTROLOF THE BOARD.

>> I'LL TAKE "POT"POURRI FOR420.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, THISLADY AND HER HIGH HORSE.

THIS LADY AND HER HIGH HORSE.

(BELL DINGS)DOUG BENSON.

>> WHO IS FRANCIS THE TOKINGMULE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, DOUG.

WELL DONE.

STEVE.

>> WHAT IS THE GLUE SHE WILL BESNIFFING ONE DAY?

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> IT'S A GATEWAY DRUG.

>> HARDWICK: MEGAN.

>> WHAT IS THE ONLY SHOTGUN AHORSE ACTUALLY LIKES?

#PUFF, PUFF, PASS, NEIGH.

>> HARDWICK: YES, OF COURSE,POINTS.

DOUG BENSON HAS CONTROL OF THEBOARD-- DOUG, YOUR NEXT

CATEGORY, PLEASE.

>> UM, I'LL GO WITH LOLCATS FOR400, PLEASE.

>> HARDWICK: LOLCATS FOR 400.

LOLCATS FOR 400.

LOOK AT THIS DAPPER FELINE.

(BELL DINGS)HE SEEMS VERY HAPPY.

STEVE.

>> WHO IS DIANE KITTEN?

LIKE ANNIE HALL.

>> HARDWICK: YES, STEVE, POINTS,WELL DONE.

UH, MEGAN.

>> WHO IS BENECAT CUMBERSCRATCH?

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

DOUG.

>> WHO IS "A" CAT IN THE HAT?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> IT'S NOT THE... "THE" ONE,>> HARDWICK: NO, IT'S JUST...

>> ...IT'S JUST ANOTHER...

CAT IN THE HAT.

>> HARDWICK: I BELIEVE STEVEAGEE, YOU HAVE CONTROL OF THE

BOARD.

>> ME, MYSELFIE & I FOR 400POINTS, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, THISEMPEROR WITH NO CLOTHES.

THIS EMPEROR WITH NO CLOTHES.

(BELL DINGS)BE CAREFUL, HIS DICK IS POISON.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: STEVE.

>> WHAT IS WHAT APPEARS IN YOURMIRROR IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES

AND SPIN AROUND AND SAY"ANDY DICK" THREE TIMES?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, MEGAN?

>> WHAT IF-- IF I'M BEINGTOTALLY HONEST-- MY NEXT TINDER

DATE?

>> HARDWICK: OH.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YOU THINK SO?

>> FINGERS CROSSED.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT

@JEOPARDY!, IT'S NOW TIME FOROUR NEXT GAME: BEIRDOS.

BEIRDOS.

BEARDS-- THEY'RE NOT JUST FORRABBIS AND LUMBERJACKS ANYMORE.

THANKS TO THE HIPSTER MOVEMENT,NOW THEY'RE UBIQUITOUS AND

ABRASIVE AND AT SOME TIMES EVENINCORPORATE CHEST HAIR.

COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU AHIPSTER AND YOU TELL ME IF HE'S

SPORTING A BEARD OR A DISTURBINGARRANGEMENT OF CHEST HAIR.

FIRST ONE-- BEARD OR CHEST HAIR?

(BELL DINGS)BEARD OR CHEST HAIR?

LOOK AT THOSE EYES.

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, DOUG?

>> (GIGGLES)THAT GUY... HAS A FUN BEARD.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

LET'S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

IT'S A FUN BEARD!

>> WOW!

OH, MY GOD.

>> MY GOD.

>> THAT'S THE FUNNEST BEARD.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT'S A GOODONE.

THAT'S TOTALLY A FUN ONE.

>> I'D LIKE TO THROW A SKEE BALLINTO THAT BOTTOM HOLE.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE: THIS GUYWITH VACANT EYES-- BEARD OR

CHEST HAIR?

(BELL DINGS)BEARD OR CHEST HAIR, STEVE?

>> CHEST HAIR.

>> HARDWICK: YOU WANT IT TO BECHEST HAIR?

>> I WANT IT TO BE EVERYWHEREHAIR.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

LET'S FIND OUT, BEARD OR CHESTHAIR?

YAY!

NICE.

>> HE'S... THAT'S ONE OF THEMLYFT DRIVERS.

>> HARDWICK: HE'LL JUST CARRYYOU AROUND ON HIS BACK.

THERE BETTER BE A THIRD ONE DOWNTHERE.

THERE BETTER BE A THIRD ONE.

>> OR MAYBE HE'S GOT A TRAMPSTACHE IN THE BACK.

>> UGH.

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS TO DOUGBENSON FOR TRAMP STACHE.

>> RAT TAIL.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

(BELL DINGS)WHAT ACCESSORY IS THIS GUY

SPORTING WITH THE AVIATORS AND AHEADBAND, STEVE?

>> BEARD.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

Y... OH.

>> THAT'S A BEARD, DUDE, THAT'SA BEARD.

>> IT'S BOTH, IT'S BOTH.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOT A BEARD.

>> OH, MY GOD, IT'S CONNECTED.

>> THAT'S A BEARD, DUDE.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOT A BEARD.

>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOT A BEARD.

BECAUSE IT IS AN EXTENSION OF AMUSTACHE.

>> I'M CONTENDING THAT HE IS ABEARD FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I'LLGIVE STEVE POINTS, BUT I'LL GIVE

MEGAN 100 POINTS FOR HER JOKE.

UH...

>> THANKS.

LAST ONE: THIS WIDE-EYED FREAKSHOW, THIS WIDE-EYED FREAK SHOW.

(BELL DINGS)YES, DOUG?

>> THAT IS...

CHEST HAIR.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

OH!

THAT'S AWESOME.

>> OH, MY GOD, DID I GIVE YOUHERPES OR DID I GIVE YOU HPV?

WHICH ONE? QUESTION MARK.

>> HARDWICK: RIDDLE ME THIS.

WESTWORD.COM LISTED THE TEN BESTMARIJUANA STRAINS OF LAST YEAR,

PROVING THE SECOND-BEST PART OFWORKING IN A MARIJUANA

DISPENSARY IS NAMING THE PLANT.

THE VARIETALS INCLUDED AMNESIAWRECK, BUBBLEGUM, BRUCE BANNER

#3 AND SPIRIT OF 76.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)UH, COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO

NAME AS MANY FAKE NAMES FORMARIJUANA STRAINS AS YOU CAN!

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)YES, MEGAN.

>> OH, GEE, THIS IS WHY OURRELATIONSHIP ENDED KUSH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)DOUG.

>> HASH-TON KUSH-TER.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

SO GOOD. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MEGAN.

>> DANK? YOU ALREADY SAID THAT,DUDE.

>> HARDWICK: UH, ALL RIGHT.

OH, EH... KIND OF A...

>> OKAY...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

OKAY, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)DOUG.

>> LOOPYBALL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)STEVE.

>> THE BENSON INTERRUPTION.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MEGAN.

>> DAY NAP.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

NO POINTS, NO POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)STEVE.

>> GATEWAY TO HEROIN KUSH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)DOUG.

>> OPTIMUS DIMEBAG.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)POINTS. UH, DOUG AGAIN.

>> SCHINDLER'S SHIT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MEGAN.

>> UM, I'M GOING TO DIE, I'MGOING TO DIE, I'M GOING TO DIE,

I'M GOING TO DIE...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)STEVE.

>> UM...

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

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