Tuesday, January 28, 2014

  • 01/28/2014

Myq Kaplan, Jamie Lee and Steve Agee come up with food-themed athlete names, play Mad Libs on Craigslist and name unsellable items on eBay.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ INWITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS.

THE OLYMPICS START NEXT WEEK ANDFANSIDED.COM HAS REPORTED THAT,

MEXICAN ALPINE SKIER HUBERTUSVON HOHENLOHE HAS DECIDED TO

WEAR A SPECIAL OUTFIT THATSHOWCASES HIS COUNTRY'S RICH

HISTORY.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING ITEMS OFCLOTHING WILL HEAR WEAR DURING

HIS OLYMPIC PERFORMANCE?

A. A HELMET SHAPED AS A SOMBREROYOU THINK I'M BEING RACIST.

JUST SEE WHERE THIS IS GOINGFIRST.

LET IT HAPPEN.

B. AN AERODYNAMIC PONCHO.

C. A MARIACHI OUTFIT.

MYQ KAPLAN?

>>A. A HELMET SHAPED AS A SOMBRERO

IS THE MOST RACIST THINGPOSSIBLE SO IT HAS TO BE.

A HELMET SHAPED AS A SOMBRERO>> IT'S NOT BUT IT'S PRETTY

AMAZING.

A MARIACHI OUTFT.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

THERE IT IS.

THAT IS [BLEEP] LIKE A TUXEDOT-SHIRT.

>> THAT IS THE MEXICAN VERSIONOF THE TUXEDO T-SHIRT IS THE

MAYOR OF AY UNITARD.

BONUS: FOR 250 POINTS, WHATWOULD A MEMBER OF TEAM USA WEAR

TO SHOWCASE AMERICAN CULTURE?

>> JAMIE LEE?

>> RANCH DRESSING?

>> COATED IN RANCH DRESS.

>> BONUS POINTS FOR THE RANCHDRESSING.

>> Chris: "DEADSPIN" ISREPORTING THAT TO COINCIDE WITH

THE SUPER BOWL THIS WEEKEND, AWASHINGTON STATE BUTCHER IS

MARKETING A SAUSAGE CALLED"BEAST MODE" IN HONOR OF SEATTLE

SEAHAWKS RUNNING BACK MARSHAWNLYNCH'S NICKNAME AND NOT AFTER

AN UPCOMING SCI FI MOVIE ABOUTSHAPE SHIFTING ALIEN WEREWOLVES

AS I WAS HOPING.

WHAT IS THE SPECIAL INGREDIENTIN "BEAST MODE" SAUSAGE?

A. WILD BOAR TONGUEB. SKITTLES

C. AN ACTUAL SEAHAWKJAMIE LEE?

>> SKITTLES.

>> IT IS SKITTLES.

THEY SAY YOU NEVER WANT TO SEEHOW THE SAUSAGE IS MADE, BUT

LOOK AT THIS.

>> NOW IT'S TIME TO ADDSKITTLES.

>> OH, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

E WE ARE IN SEATTLE.[ APPLAUSE ]A LOT OF CRAZY [BLEEP] GOING ON.

OH, MY GOD, NO, NO.

IT'S TIME FORTONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

EARLIER, WE TOLD YOU THAT ABUTCHER IS MARKETING A SAUSAGE

WITH SKITTLES IN IT IN HONOR OFSEATTLE SEAHAWKS RUNNING BACK

MARSHAWN LYNCH.

SINCE THE SUPERBOWL IS ONSUNDAY, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS.รน

#FOODATHLETESEXAMPLES: LEBON BON JAMES.

BACON MANNING.

JOSE CLAMSECOI'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, STARTING NOW!

MYQ KAPLAN.

>> SHAH KEEP HAM KNEEL.

>> MUHAMMAD CUISINE.

>> LOU RIG TEENY.

>> KAREEM CHEESE ABDUL-JABBAR.

>> POINTS.

>> TIM T-BONE.

>> POINTS.

MYQ KAPLAN.

>> HUSSEIN BLT.

>> POINTS.

>> STEVE?

>> JERRY RICE?

>> IT'S DONE!

IT'S DONE FOR YOU.

POINTS.

YES.

MYQ KAPLAN.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "CraigsLibs."

THAT'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

IT'S THE FUN OF MAD "LIBS" WITHTHE PUBLIC ODDITIES OF

CRAIGSLIST!

WE'LL GIVE YOU SELECT PARTS OFREAL Craigslist POSTINGS.

YOU FILL IN THE BLANKS.

IF YOUR ANSWER IS FUY, YOU GET250 POINTS.

LET US BEGIN.

Q: LOOKING FOR FRESH BLANK -- BLANK.

>> PRINCE OF BELLAIRE?

>> POINTS!

THE ACTUAL LIB WAS LOOKING FORFRESH MILK.

>> THAT MAKES SENSE.

>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ASK FORROTTEN BREAST MILK.

NEXT?

WANTED, NATURALLY HARRY BLANKHFER BLANK.

OH, GOD.

STEVE AGEE, WHAT?

>> BALD GUY.

>> YOU SAID BALD GUY.

SHOULD I GIVE HIM POINTS FORTHAT?

>> YEAH.

>> WOW!

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS WANTEDNATURALLY HARRY BLACK SISTA.

>> I JUST WANT TO SEE A WHITESISTA.

>> WHO WOULD THAT BE?

>> KELLY RIPA.

>> OK.rQo>> NEXT ONE

Q: ANYONE WANT TO DRINK ODKA,SMOKE AND WATCH

BLANK-BLANK.

>> WATCH ME SKIN YOU?

POINTS.

>> THANK YOU.

>> THAT IS WAY BETTER THAT NEVERTHE ACTUAL ANSWER WHICH WAS:

HOW R/UNEXPECTEDTHE SUPER BOWL ISN'T THE ONLY

BIG EVENT THIS WEEKEND.

I'M SPEAKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT"THE GIFFY AWARDS" ON FRIDAY,

HONORING THE BEST OF INTERNETGIFS.

TO CELEBRATE THE BIG DAY, I AMGOING TO SHOW YOU GIFS FROM THE

SUBBREDIT R/UNEXPECTED, WHEREGIFS START ONE WAY BUT GO IN A

WAY THAT IS UNEXPECTED.

THEREFORE JUSTIFYING THE TITLEOF THE SUB REDDIT.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO GIVEYOU TWO OPTIONS, AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU TO TELL ME WHICH ISTHE ACTUAL UNEXPECTED RESULT.

OK, HERE WE HAVE THE DALI LAMATRYING ON SUNGLASSES.

HE HAS TOO PROTECT HIS EYES SOHE CAN SEE ALL.

WILL HE START SHAKING HIS HEADAND PANTOMIME THE PIANO.

ORREMOVE THE GLASSES AND SHOOT

LASERS OUT OF HIS EYES.

MYQ KAPLAN.

>> I GUESS HE IS GOING TO SHOOTLASERS OUT OF HIS EYES?

>> YES.

A: REMOVE THE GLASSES AND SHOOTLASERS OUT OF HIS EYES.

>> WHAHH!

>> OH, WOW!

NICE.

THIS LITTLE KID ON A SKATEBOARD.

WILL THIS LITTLE FELLA STAND UPAND PERFECTLY PERFORM A 360

KICKFLIPOR

NEVER GET UP AND HARMLESSLY MISSTHE NEXT RAMP ENTIRELY?

ADJUSTMENTY LEE?

A: NEVER GET UP AND HARMLESSLYMISS THE NEXT RAMP ENTIRELY.

>> I LIKE IT WAY YOU THINK.

THAT IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.

LET US SEE HOW PLAYS OUT.

THERE YOU GO.

>> THAT'S LIKE THE COOLEST WAYTO RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

>> AND THEY NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN!

[LAUGHTER]NEXT ONE

WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS ANIMECHARACTER?!

Q: WILL SHE REVEAL THAT HERNETHER-REGIONS ARE ACTUALLY

SHREK.

PICTURE THAT FOR A SECOND.

ORRIDE A UNICORN INTO THE SUN

CAUSING THE UNICORNAPOCOLYPSEYES?

>> SHREK PARTS.

>> SHOW ME SHREK PARTS!

YAY!

>> NICE.

>> HE LOOKS OK.

>> PLEASE DON'T GET THAT NEARME.

>> THAT [BLEEP] IS SHREKED!

>> THE NEXT ONE, IS THE MIGHTYMORPHING POWER RANGERS.

WILLQ: WILL THEY: REVEAL THEMSELVES

TO BE SECRET NAZI'S OREACH EXPLODE INTO DIFFERENT

KINDS OF DRAGONSA: REVEAL THEMSELVES TO BE

SECRET NAZI'S>> YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE REWARDING

MYQ KAPLAN.

>> ALSO I HAVE NEVER SAID POLICENAZIS BEFORE.

>> I LIKE HOW THEY'RE ALLHAILING BUT THIS ONE IS ALL, HEY

KAREN, NICE TO SEE YOU, YOU LOOKGOOD!

"YOU CAN'T SELL THAT ON eBay">> GOOD ENTHUSIASM

YOU CAN TRY TO SELL ALMOSTANYTHING ON eBay.

SOME REAL ITEMS CURRENTLY FORSALE ARE:

FALSE DENTURES ICE TRAYCOMEDIANS, YOU HAVE 60 SECONDS

TO COME UP WITH THINGS NO ONEWOULD WANT TO BUY OFF eBay.

FOR EACH FUNNY ITEM, YOU GET 250POINTS.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, STARTING NOW.

JAMIE LEE?

>> SLIGHTLY USED ANAL BEADS.

[LAUGHTER]>> POINTS FOR JAMIE LEE.

>> MYQ KAPLAN.

>> VERY USED ANAL BEADS.

>> POINTS FOR MYQ KAPLAN.

STEVE AGEE?

>> MY ANAL BEADS.

>> JUST A REFRESHING THEME FOR AMIDNIGHT SHOW.

POINTS FOR STEVE.

>> A BRILLO PAD CONDOM.

>> OH, DAM IT.

I JUST STARTED THINKING ABOUTIT.

YES, I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FORTHAT.

SLAVES.

>>>> YOU KNOW TO BE FAIR THAT'S

SOMETHING THAT'S YOU WOULD NEVERSEE ON eBAY.

>> ALL OF THESE FINGERS I FOUND.

>> POINTS.

>> STEVE?

>> MY 9-YEAR-OLD SON EDDIE.

>> POINTS.

>> AND NO POINTS FOR EDDIE.

JAMIE LEE?

>> A BLANKET MADE OUT OF ALL OFTHE WEAVES THAT HAVE FALLEN OUT

OF REAL WIVES OF ATLANTA CATFIGHT.

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