Tuesday, January 28, 2014

  • 01/28/2014

Myq Kaplan, Jamie Lee and Steve Agee come up with food-themed athlete names, play Mad Libs on Craigslist and name unsellable items on eBay.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100POINTS.

THE OLYMPICS START NEXT WEEK ANDFANSIDED.COM HAS REPORTED THAT

MEXICAN ALPINE SKIER HUBERTUSVON HOHENLOHE HAS DECIDED TO

WEAR A SPECIAL OUTFIT THATSHOWCASES HIS COUNTRY'S RICH

HISTORY.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING ITEMS OFCLOTHING WILL HE WEAR DURING

HIS OLYMPIC PERFORMANCE?

A) A HELMET SHAPED AS ASOMBRERO.

YOU THINK I'M BEING RACIST.

JUST SEE WHERE THIS IS GOINGFIRST.

LET IT HAPPEN.

B) AN AERODYNAMIC PONCHO.

C) A MARIACHI OUTFIT.

MYQ KAPLAN?

>> A HELMET SHAPED AS A SOMBREROIS THE MOST RACIST THING

POSSIBLE SO IT HAS TO BE.

A HELMET SHAPED AS A SOMBRERO.

>> Chris: WELL, IT'S NOT BUTIT'S PRETTY AMAZING.

IT'S C, A MARIACHI OUTFIT.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

THERE IT IS.

THAT IS (BLEEP) AMAZING.

>> LIKE A TUXEDO T-SHIRT.

>> Chris: IT IS!

THAT IS THE MEXICAN VERSIONOF THE TUXEDO T-SHIRT IS THE

MARIACHI UNITARD.

BONUS: FOR 250 POINTS, WHATWOULD A MEMBER OF TEAM USA WEAR

TO SHOWCASE AMERICAN CULTURE?

YES, JAMIE LEE?

>> RANCH DRESSING?

(LAUGHTER)DRIZZLED, SOAKED.

>> Chris: JUST COATED.

>> COATED, A PROTECTIVE COATING.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVEYOU POINTS FOR THAT RANCH

DRESSING.

OKAY, GUYS, "DEADSPIN" ISREPORTING THAT TO COINCIDE WITH

THE SUPER BOWL THIS WEEKEND, AWASHINGTON STATE BUTCHER IS

MARKETING A SAUSAGE CALLED"BEAST MODE" IN HONOR OF SEATTLE

SEAHAWKS RUNNING BACK MARSHAWNLYNCH'S NICKNAME AND THIS IS

SURPRISINGLY NOT AN UPCOMING SCIFI MOVIE ABOUT SHAPE SHIFTING

ALIEN WEREWOLVES AS I WASHOPING IT WOULD BE.

WHAT IS THE SPECIAL INGREDIENTIN "BEAST MODE" SAUSAGE, YOU

GUYS?

IS IT A) WILD BOAR TONGUEB) SKITTLES

C) AN ACTUAL SEAHAWKJAMIE LEE?

>> SKITTLES.

>> Chris: IT IS SKITTLES!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THEY SAY YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE

HOW SAUSAGE IS MADE, SOLOOK AT THIS.

>> NOW IT'S TIME TO ADDTHE SKITTLES.

>> OH, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

>> Chris: HERE WE ARE INSEATTLE.

A LOT OF CRAZY (BLEEP) GOING ON.

OH, MY GOD, NO, NO.

>> TASTE THE RAINBOW.

>> Chris: ARE YOU GAGGING RIGHTNOW?

>> THAT IS (BLEEP) DISGUSTING.

IT'S TIME FORTONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WE TOLD YOU THAT A BUTCHER IS

MARKETING A SAUSAGE WITHSKITTLES IN IT IN HONOR OF

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS RUNNING BACKMARSHAWN LYNCH.

SINCE THE SUPER BOWL IS SUNDAY,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#FOODATHLETESEXAMPLES WOULD BE: LEBON BON

JAMES.

OR BACON MANNING.

OR JOSE CLAMSECO.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, READY, SET AND GO.

YES, MYQ KAPLAN.

>> SHAQUILLE O'MEAL.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

DAMN RIGHT.

YES, STEVE AGEE.

>> MUHAMMAD A-LEAN CUISINE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: JAMIE LEE.

>> LOU GEHRIG-ATONI.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, MYQ KAPLAN.

>> KAREEM CHEESE ABDUL-JABBAR.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

STEVE AGEE.

>> TIM T-BONE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

MYQ KAPLAN.

>> HUSSEIN BLT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

STEVE AGEE?

>> JERRY RICE?

>> Chris: IT'S DONE!

IT'S DONE FOR YOU.

POINTS.

YES, MYQ KAPLAN.

>> WILLIE MAYS, OR YOU MIGHTCALL HIM WILLIE CORN.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "CRAIGS LIBS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THAT'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE

SPELLED OUT.

SO IT'S LIKE THE FUN OF MADLIBSWITH THE PUBLIC ODDITIES OF

CRAIGSLIST.

WE'RE GOING TO SELECT PARTS OFREAL CRAIGSLIST POSTINGS AND

THEN YOU GUYS FILL IN THEBLANKS.

AND IF YOUR ANSWERS AREHILARIOUS, YOU GET 250 POINTS.

LET US BEGIN.

"LOOKING FOR FRESH BLANK,BLANK."

MYQ KAPLAN.

>> PRINCE OF BEL-AIR?

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

THE ACTUAL AD WAS LOOKING FORFRESH BREAST MILK.

WHAT?

>> 'CAUSE THAT MAKES MORE SENSE.

>> Chris: WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOINGTO ASK FOR ROTTEN BREAST MILK.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

"WANTED: NATURALLY HAIRY BLANKBLANK."

OH, GOD.

STEVE AGEE, WHAT?

>> BALD GUY.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: YOU SAID BALD GUY.

WHICH SHOULD I GIVE HIM POINTSFOR THAT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WOW!

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS "WANTED:NATURALLY HAIRY BLACK SISTA."

(LAUGHTER)>> I JUST WANT TO SEE A WHITE

SISTA.

>> Chris: WHO WOULD THAT BE?

>> KELLY RIPA.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, "ANYONEWANT TO DRINK ODKA, SMOKE AND

WATCH BLANK-BLANK-BLANK."

YES, STEVE AGEE?

>> WATCH ME SKIN YOU?

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

>> SKIN YOU.

>> Chris: THAT IS WAY BETTERTHAN THE ACTUAL ANSWER

WHICH WAS: WATCH CHEESYCHRISTMAS MOVIES.

WHILE I SKIN YOU!

HOW R/UNEXPECTED(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MUCH LIKE THAT REACTION.

THE SUPER BOWL IS NOT THE ONLYBIG THING GOING ON THIS WEEKEND,

YOU GUYS.

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUTWHAT-- "THE GIFFY AWARDS."

RIGHT, HONORING THE BESTINTERNET GIFS.

TO CELEBRATE THE BIG DAY, I AMGOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS SOME GIFS

FROM THE SUBREDDITR/UNEXPECTED-- WHICH IS

DELIGHTFUL AND YOU CAN GO TO IT.

THAT'S WHERE GIFS START IN ONEWAY BUT GO IN A WAY THAT IS

UNEXPECTED, THEREFOREJUSTIFYING THE TITLE

OF THE SUBREDDIT.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO GIVEYOU TWO OPTIONS, AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU TELL ME WHICH ISTHE ACTUAL UNEXPECTED RESULT.

HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GOT THE DALI LAMATRYING ON SUNGLASSES.

HE'S GOT TO PROTECT HIS EYES SOHE CAN SEE ALL.

WILL HE START SHAKING HIS HEADAND PANTOMIME THE PIANO?

OR REMOVE THE GLASSESAND SHOOT LASERS OUT

OF HIS EYES?

MYQ KAPLAN.

>> I GUESS HE IS GOING TO SHOOTLASERS OUT OF HIS EYES.

>> Chris: YES.

SHOOTING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYES.

>> WHOA!

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, WOW!

NICE.

>> Chris: THIS LITTLE KID ON ASKATEBOARD.

WILL THIS LITTLE FELLA STAND UPAND PERFECTLY PERFORM A 360

KICKFLIP OR NEVER GET UPAND HARMLESSLY MISS

THE NEXT RAMP ENTIRELY?

YES, JAMIE LEE?

>> NEVER GET UP AND HARMLESSLYMISS THE NEXT RAMP ENTIRELY.

>> Chris: I LIKE THE WAY YOUTHINK.

THAT IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.

LET US SEE HOW THAT PLAYS OUT.

(LAUGHTER)THERE HE GOES.

>> THAT'S LIKE THE COOLEST WAYTO RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

>> Chris: AND THEY NEVER SAW HIMAGAIN!

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS ANIMECHARACTER?

WILL SHE REVEAL THAT HERNETHER-REGIONS ARE ACTUALLY

SHREK?

JUST PICTURE THAT FOR A SECOND.

OR RIDE A UNICORNINTO THE SUN, CAUSING

THE UNICORN APOCALYPSE?

YES, STEVE AGEE?

>> SHREK PARTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: SHOW ME SHREK (BLEEP)!

YAY!

>> NICE.

>> HE LOOKS SO SAFE.

>> Chris: PLEASE DON'T GET THATNEAR ME.

>> THAT (BLEEP) IS SHREKED!

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: I'LL GIVE HIM POINTS

FOR THAT.

ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT ONE, THEMIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS.

WILL THEY: REVEAL THEMSELVESTO BE SECRET NAZI'S OR

EACH EXPLODE INTO DIFFERENTKINDS OF DRAGONS?

MYQ KAPLAN.

>> PLEASE NAZIS.

>> Chris: YES!

YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE REWARDED,MYQ KAPLAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> ALSO I HAVE NEVER SAID,

"PLEASE NAZIS" BEFORE.

(LAUGHTER)>> I LIKE HOW THEY'RE ALL

HAILING BUT THE PINK ONE'S LIKE"HEY, KAREN!"

>> Chris: "HEY, HITLER!">> "HEY, GIRL, HEY!"

"GOOD TO SEE YOU, YOU LOOKGOOD!

NICE 'STACHE."

"YOU CAN'T SELL THAT ON eBay"(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GOOD ENTHUSIASM.

YOU CAN TRY TO SELL ALMOSTANYTHING ON eBay.

SOME REAL ITEMS CURRENTLY FORSALE ARE:

FALSE DENTURE ICE TRAY.

COMEDIANS, YOU HAVE 60 SECONDSTO COME UP WITH THINGS THAT NO

ONE WOULD WANT TO BUY OFF eBay.

FOR EACH ITEM YOU GET THAT ISFUNNY, 250 POINTS WILL BE

REWARDED TO YOU BY ME, THE GIVEROF THE POINTS.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

YES, JAMIE LEE?

>> SLIGHTLY USED ANAL BEADS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS to JAMIE LEE.

YES, MYQ KAPLAN.

>> VERY USED ANAL BEADS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS TO MYQ KAPLAN.

STEVE AGEE?

>> MY ANAL BEADS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: SUCH A REFRESHING

THEME FOR A MIDNIGHT SHOW.

POINTS TO STEVE.

YES, JAMIE LEE.

>> A BRILLO PAD CONDOM.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: OH, GODAMMIT.

I JUST STARTED THINKING ABOUTIT.

YES, I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FORTHAT.

MYQ KAPLAN?

>> SLAVES.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: YOU KNOW, TO BE FAIR,

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU WOULDNEVER WANT TO SEE ON eBAY.

I HAVE TO GIVE HIM POINTS WITHINTHE RULES OF THE GAME.

YES, JAMIE LEE.

>> ALL OF THESE FINGERS I"FOUND."

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS.

STEVE AGEE?

>> MY NINE-YEAR-OLD SON EDDIE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS.

AND NO POINTS FOR EDDIE.

YES, JAMIE LEE?

>> A BLANKET MADE OUT OF ALL OFTHE WEAVES THAT HAVE FALLEN OUT

DURING A "REAL HOUSEWIVES OFATLANTA" CAT FIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: OH, THAT'D BE AWESOME.

POINTS FOR THAT.

Loading...