Joe Machi

  • Season 5, Ep 3
  • 09/02/2016

Joe Machi dissects Tom Brady's faulty logic, points out the one way in which he and Bill Gates are similar and imagines a new alternative to pharmacies.

Tell you whoa real knucklehead is, gang.

It's that Tom Brady,he's a football... person,

in case you don't followthe sports as closely as I do.

Well, they found out

he didn't have as much airin the footballs

as you're supposed to and...(giggles)

this did not make the peoplevery happy.

So, Mr. Brady wentin front of the media

and he-he--this is a real quote,

this is what he actually said,

He said, "Hey, everybody,

"it's not like this is ISIS.

Nobody died."

And I'm like, well,

that's a brilliant thingto tell people, Tom Brady.

You can always make yourselflook better

when you compare yourself

to something totally unrelated

which is obviously worse.

That'd be the sameas if I got pulled over

by the police.

And like, "Do you knowhow fast you were going?"

And I'm like, "Yes, Officer,I was doing 90.

"But it's not like I'm cannibalserial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.

"I mean, I was a few minuteslate for my comedy show, sir,

"I wasn't poisoningand dismembering carcasses

"for my own consumption.

"You believe this clown?He's gonna write me a ticket.

"Heck, he's over there actinglike I was...

"drilling holesin people's skulls

and then pouringacid down there."

I think the toughest jobin the world, though,

is working forthe Secret Service,

protecting the president.

'Cause you haveto be a human shield.

That's why if I workedfor the Secret Service,

I would buy a shield.

And I would bring my shieldto work every day.

And the other employeeswould say,

"Hey Joe, what are you doingwith that shield?

You're supposedto be the shield."

And I'd be like,"Well, thousands of years ago,

"humans realizedwe make terrible shields.

"That's why we invented...


"So we don't have to be shields.

"I feel sillyexplaining shields.

"But let's make a deal,

"if this shield doesn't work,I'll duck.

"You'll do betteron your performance appraisal,

but I won't be dead."

People everywhere will say,

"That Joe sure is a coward."

And I'm like, "Is a coward.

Not was a coward."