DiPaolo, Barker, Kreischer, Giraldo

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 05/26/2004

Nick DiPaolo isn't exactly having a love affair with the homeless, and Arj Barker learned everything about Ireland from soap commercials.

(Dane Cook)I HAD TO USE THEPUBLIC RESTROOM TODAY.

FIRST QUESTION, WHY DOTHEY CALL IT THE RESTROOM?

IS THERE ANYBODY JUSTRESTING IN THIS ROOM?

IS THERE ANYBODYWALKING IN...

(Dane Cook)HERE'S MY QUESTION, WHY?

OKAY, WHY WHEN YOUUSE THE PUBLIC RESTROOM,

WHY IS EVERYTHING WET?

EVERYTHING IS WET.

THE COUNTER IS SOAKING,THERE ARE PUDDLES,

WATER IS DRIPPING, WASTHERE, LIKE, A SHAGGY DOG

IN THERE AFTERA BATH, LIKE...

(Dane Cook)GOD FORBID YOU HAVE TOUSE THE STALL, YOU KNOW?

YOU GET IN THERE,FIRST OF ALL,

YOU LOOK AT THE SEATAND YOU'RE LIKE, "AAAAH."

"AAAAH."

ONCE YOU DEAL WITH THAT,THEN YOU'RE SITTING THERE,

AND YOU, YOU KNOW, YOUTRY TO, YOU KNOW,

CLOSE THE-CLOSETHE DOOR, YA KNOW,

WHICH IS LIKEHANGING... IT'S...

WHO THE HELL IS GOINGINTO A BATHROOM LIKE...

"AAAAH (bleep),I'VE GOTTA CRAP!

AAAAH."

YOU'RE SITTING THERE,YOU START READING--

YOU START READING ALL THIS,

THE MOST NEGATIVE,IGNORANT CRAP.

AND IT'S NOT--NO, IT'S NOTJUST WRITTEN, IT'S CARVED.

WHO THE HELL IS SITTINGON THE TOILET LIKE...

"(bleep) JEWS, BLACKS."

AND THIS IS MY FAVORITE,ALWAYS ON THE WALL,

SOMEBODY HAS TO WRITE,"MIKE WAS HERE,"

BUT THEN SOMEBODY ELSEPUTS AN ARROW AND WRITES,

"MIKE IS A (bleep)."

YA KNOW, LIKE MIKE IS COMIN'BACK TO CHECK IT OUT LIKE...

WHAT THE HELL?

I WAS HERE, BUTI'M NOT A (bleep).

JESUS.

I'M TRYING TO MAKEA STATEMENT HERE.

(bleep) JEWS.

(Bert Kreischer)I WAS AT A BOWLING ALLEYWITH MY BUDDY GEORGE

AND, UM, WE WEREPOPPING A FEW TOPS,

GETTING, LIKE,BOWLING ALLEY DRUNK.

WHEN YOU GET REALLY DRUNK,YOU'RE SAYING... "HOWDY!"

AND CRAP LIKE THAT.

AND, I GO IN TOTAKE A PISS, RIGHT?

AND YA KNOW HOW WHEN YAWALK INTO THE BATHROOM,

THERE'S LIKE FIVEURINALS LINED UP

AND THERE'S ALWAYS ONEDROPPED DOWN FOR THE KIDS.

I ACCIDENTALLY PEEDIN THE KIDS' ONE.

LIKE, I GOT UP THERE...I THOUGHT I WASA GIANT AT FIRST.

I WAS LIKE..."WHAT HAPPENED?

"I'VE GOTTEN SO...

I GOTTA SHOWEVERYONE THIS."

BUT THEN ITDAWNED ON ME,

OKAY, I'M PEEINGIN THE KIDS' ONE.

AND YA KNOW WHENLITTLE KIDS ARE SOANIMATED WHEN THEY PEE.

THEY'RE ALL... OHH.

AND HE LOOKS AND HE SEESI'M PEEING IN HIS URINAL

AND IT'S TIME FORHIM TO GRADUATE

TO THE BIG BOY URINAL.

AND SO HE LOOKSAT ME AND HE, LIKE,

GOES OVER TO THEURINAL NEXT TO ME.

IT'S A LITTLE TALL ANDHE UNDOES HIS PANTS

AND DROPS 'EMDOWN TO HIS KNEES.

BUTT'S ALL SHOWING,LIKE A LITTLE KID.

SO I SEE HIM AND HE LOOKSAND HE'S TOO SHORT.

LIKE, HE DOESN'T FIT.

SO HE TRIES TOTIPPY-TOE, YA KNOW?

STRETCHING IT ANDSTUFF... IT'S NOT GOING.

AND SO HE LIKE TRIESTO RAINBOW IT IN

BY DOING "THEMATRIX" LEANBACK.

(Bert Kreischer)BUT IT'S STILLNOT GOING, RIGHT?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I SEE ITCLICK IN HIS HEAD, YA KNOW?

LIKE, "OH, I GOT IT."

HE REACHES UP AND THATSTEEL POLE BEHIND THE URINAL

AND LIKE SYLVESTER STALLONEIN "CLIFFHANGER,"

LIFTS HIMSELF UP AND PLOPSHIS TWIG AND BERRIES

INSIDE THE URINALLIKE HE'S AN ELEPHANT.

I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD,THIS IS MY FAULT.

THIS KID'S GONNAGET THE CLAP

'CAUSE HE'S ONTHE URINAL MINT.

AND I'M LIKE, ICAN'T LET THIS HAPPENTO THIS POOR KID.

SO, AND I'M DRUNK, RIGHT?

AND I LEAN OVERTO SAY TO HIM--

I DON'T KNOW WHATCAME OUTTA MY MOUTH.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT, LIKE,TWO WORDS INTO MY SENTENCE,

THIS KID REALIZES I'MWATCHING HIM PISS AND FREAKS.

HE'S ALL... "AHHHHH!"

AND STARTS FREAKING OUT.

NOW I'M SCARED, LIKE LENNYFROM "OF MICE AND MEN."

I'M ALL...(deep voice)YOU BE QUIET!

YOU BE QUIET!

YOU BE QUIET!

YOU BE QUIET!

(Nick Dipaolo)I'M SICK OF LIVINGIN CITIES, I'M SICKOF HOMELESS PEOPLE.

I HAVE NO MORE COMPASSIONFOR THESE PEOPLE.

I HAVE NO MORE COMPASSIONFOR THESE PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S AMAZINGABOUT HOMELESS PEOPLE?

THEY CAN SLEEP ANYWHERE...THAT'S WHAT AMAZES ME.

I GOT A $2,000WATERBED AT HOME,

I TOSS AND TURN ALLNIGHT, YOU KNOW?

THESE PEOPLE LIKE..."WHAT'S THAT, A BROKENHEINEKEN BOTTLE?"

(snoring sounds)

YEAH, COULD YOU PUT ABRICK ON MY HEAD, KEEPTHE SUN OUT OF MY EYES?

I GIVE 'EM MONEY, BUTTHEY'RE NASTY, YOU KNOW?

THIS GUY COMES UP TO ME..."HEY, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?

I'M STARVING,MAN, I'M STARVING!"

I'M LIKE... "HEY, DO YOU SEEA CHEF'S HAT ON MY HEAD?

"WHAT AM I SUPPOSEDTO DO, WHIP YOU UP AREUBEN ON THE SIDEWALK?

"THERE'S A PIGEON A FOOTAWAY WITH A LOAF OF BREAD.

"GO BUST HIS BALLS.

HE'S A BIRD, HE'S DOINGBETTER THAN YOU ARE."

MENTAL ILLNESS ISRUNNING RAMPANT EVERYCITY I GO TO, MAN.

THIS LADY COMES UP ME INFRONT OF MY APARTMENT IN L.A.

SHE HAD MORE FACIALHAIR THAN I DO,

SHE HAD ONETOOTH, SHE'S LIKE...

WHY DID HE LEAVE ME?

WHY DID MYHUSBAND LEAVE ME?

OH, I DON'T KNOW, SMILEY.

UH, YOU WERE HOGGINGTHE DENTAL FLOSS?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M GUESSING YOUR HUSBANDNEEDED SOME TIME TOHIMSELF, YOU KNOW?

I'VE KNOWN YOUFOR TWO SECONDS, ICOULD USE A VACATION.

(Laurie Kilmartin)I MOVED HERE ACOUPLE YEARS AGO.

I LOVE IT HERE... IT'SA LITTLE EXPENSIVE.

I HAD TO GET ROOMMATESWHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE.

ONE OF MY ROOMMATESWAS A PROSTITUTE.

AND BASED ON MY EXPERIENCELIVING WITH HER,

I THINK THAT PROSTITUTIONSHOULD BE LEGAL,

BECAUSE THEY PERFORMA SERVICE FOR WOMEN--

THEY HAVE SEXWITH CREEPY GUYS

SO THE REST OF USDON'T HAVE TO.

YAY, HOOKERS!

EVERY TIME I SEEA PROSTITUTE, IGIVE HER A $10 TIP.

I SAY, "THANKS FOR TAKINGONE FOR THE TEAM, TAFFY,

"I APPRECIATE IT.

BETTER YOU FOR 50THAN ME FOR FREE, HUH?"

SHE WAS APROSTITUTE AND A TEMP.

LIKE, THAT'S HOWEXPENSIVE NEW YORK CITY IS.

TURNING TRICKS ISNOT ENOUGH MONEY.

YOU HAVE TO KNOWWORD AND EXCEL.

(Juston McKinney)IN THE TWO YEARS THATI HAVE LIVED HERE

I HAVE GOTTEN APARKING TICKET, LIKE,

EVERY OTHER WEEK SINCEI'VE BEEN HERE, OKAY?

BUT I HAVE NEVERSEEN A METER MAID.

THEY'RE LIKE FRIGGIN'NINJAS, THEY RAPPEL DOWN

FROM THE BUILDINGS, RIGHT?

DROP THE TICKET.

(Juston McKinney)I DON'T KNOWWHERE THEY GO, RIGHT?

AND THE LASTTICKET I GOT, RIGHT,

I'M WALKING BACKTO MY CAR, OKAY.

I'M NOT EVEN NEARTHE CAR YET, AND ICAN SEE THE TICKET.

AND THAT'S WHY THEYMAKE IT BRIGHT ORANGE,

SO IT PISSES YOU OFFFROM A DISTANCE, RIGHT?

WHY IS IT ORANGE?

YOU CAN'T EVEN ENJOYTHE WALK BACK TO THE CAR.

AND WHEN YOU GETBACK TO THE CAR,

THE FIRST THING YOU WANNADO, YOU FLIP IT OVER,

AND YOU WANNA KNOWHOW MUCH IT IS, RIGHT?

THE FIRST TICKET IGOT IN MANHATTAN ITHOUGHT WAS A MISPRINT.

I'M LIKE... "NO, THISHAS GOT TO BE A MISTAKE."

IF YOU PUT A QUARTERIN THE METER OUT THERE,

AND IT RUNS OUT,IT'S A $55 FINE.

THAT'S A LITTLE EXCESSIVE.

NOW, I COULD SEEIT IF YOU PARKED

IN A HANDICAPPEDPERSON'S... LIVING ROOM.

BUT NOT FOR THEMETER RUNNING OUT.

IT GOES FROM 25 CENTS TO $55.

THAT'S A 22,000% INCREASE.

(Hugh Fink)I LOVE GOING OUTFOR CHINESE FOOD.

I GOTTA BE HONEST,I'M AFRAID TO EAT INCHINESE RESTAURANTS,

BECAUSE I ALWAYS GETTHAT ONE CHINESE WAITER,

WHERE I CAN'T TELL IFHE'S BEING SARCASTIC.

'SCUSE ME, SIR, THE KUNGPOW CHICKEN, IS THAT SPICY?

NAH, SWEET.

I ORDERED EGGROLLS AN HOUR AGO.

OH, YEAH, THANKSFOR REMINDING ME.

(Hugh Fink)YOU KNOW, I'M ATTHE POINT NOW--

I DON'T EVEN ORDER CHINESEFOOD TO BE DELIVERED

BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO HI-TECH.

THEY COMPLETELY INVADEYOUR PERSONAL PRIVACY.

UH, HI, I'D LIKE TO PLACEAN ORDER TO BE DELIVERED.

WE KNOW WHAT YOU WANT,HE BE THERE IN 6 MINUTES.

NO, NO-FIRST OF ALL, I'MNOT EVEN HOME RIGHT NOW.

NO PROBLEM, WEHAVE A CROWBAR,

WE BREAK IN, JUSTLIKE LAST TIME.

BY THE WAY, WATERYOUR PLANTS, THEYLOOK LIKE CRAP.

ONE MORE THING,YOUR GIRLFRIEND,

SHE FAKE ORGASM.

(Nick)YOU KNOW, I DON'T GET IT.

(Colin Quinn)SO FIRST OF ALL,YOU GO TO SAFARI,

YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUTTHE LION IS A JOKE.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY THE TIGERSARE GETTING TOUGH OVER HERE

BECAUSE THE LIONS ARE NOTHING.

THEY'RE BIG OVER HERE,

IN AFRICA THE OTHERANIMALS LAUGH AT THEM.

THEY'RE LIKE IDIOTSWITH MULLETS.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

SO I GO OVER THERE ANDI THINK THE LION'S GREAT.

THEN I'M WATCHINGA FAMILY OF LIONS

AND, LIKE, AHIPPO PASSES BY.

SO I'M LIKE, OH,THEY'RE GONNA TEARTHIS HIPPO APART.

THEY WON'T EVENMAKE EYE CONTACT,

THEY'RE LOOKINGDOWN LIKE THEY DON'TEVEN SEE THE HIPPO.

HE'S LOOKING RIGHT ATTHEM LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?

EXCEPT FOR THE CUBS THATDON'T KNOW ANY BETTER,

THEY'RE LIKE,"RAWWRRR."

AND THE LION'S LIKE..."SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP, MAN.

SHUT UP."IT'S LIKE... "WHY?

YOU SAID YOU WERE THEKING OF THE JUNGLE."

"WE ARE, THERE'S JUSTA LOT OF POLITICAL(bleep) RIGHT NOW.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER."

BUT THEN I GET HOME ANDMY FRIEND GOES TO ME...

I CAN'T PICTUREYOU ON SAFARI, COL.

HAHAHA.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T SEEM ATHLETICENOUGH TO SIT IN THE BACK

OF A JEEP AND LOOK ATA (bleep)ING ZEBRA?

I'M SORRY.

(Greg Giraldo)WE'VE HAD ITEASY IN AMERICA

FOR A LONG TIME AND NOW...

WANT TO SEE HOWEASY WE HAVE IT HERE

COMPARED TO SOMEOF THESE COUNTRIES?

WATCH THE OLYMPICS,WHEN THEY SHOW YOU THOSE

BEHIND THE SCENES LOOKSAT THE ATHLETES...

AND THE OBSTACLESTHEY HAD TO OVERCOME

TO GET INTO THE OLYMPICS.

THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMELONG DISTANCE RUNNER

FROM BOTSWANA OR SOMEPLACE.

THE POOR BASTARD CAN'TEVEN AFFORD SNEAKERS.

HE'S GOT, LIKE, HYENAPELTS LASHED TO HIS FEET,

HE'S RUNNING THROUGHTHE DESERT IN A TORNMR. BUBBLE T-SHIRT.

HE BEGAN RUNNINGAT THE AGE OF FOUR

WHEN HIS ENTIRE FAMILYWAS HACKED TO DEATHBY RIVAL VILLAGERS.

HE'S BEEN RUNNINGEVER SINCE!

AND THEN THEY CUT TO THEAMERICAN ATHLETE'S STRUGGLE

AND IT'S ALWAYS SOME-SOME15-YEAR OLD FIGURE SKATER

FROM THE SUBURBSWHO'S LIKE...

I HAD TO WAKEUP REALLY EARLY.

MY MOM WAS SO SUPPORTIVE.

SHE'D WAKE UP EARLYAND DRIVE ME TO THEICE SKATING RINK,

LIKE, SHE WOULD DRIVE MEBECAUSE WE HAD TO GET THERE

AT 3:00 IN THEMORNING FOR ICE TIMES.YOU KNOW WHAT... MAYBEYOU SHOULDN'T HAVEBEEN A FIGURE SKATER

IF YOU LIVE THAT FAR FROMTHE ICE SKATING RINK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MAYBE A LITTLE FIELD HOCKEY,LET YOUR MOM SLEEP IN,

YOU SELFISH BITCH.

I'M NOT GONNA ENDORSETHIS (bleep)...

THIS LAST WINTER OLYMPICSHAD A LUGIST, A LUUUGER.

A LUGE GUY FROM LONG ISLAND,THEY SAID IT WAS AMAZING.

HE WAS COMPETINGIN THE OLYMPICS

BECAUSE HE HAD TO OVERCOMEDYSLEXIA TO BE THERE.

DYSLEXIA!

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE LUGE?

(Greg Giraldo)YOU COULD BE DEAD AND STILLBE PRETTY GOOD AT THE LUGE.

THERE'S NOREADING IN THE LUGE.

THERE'S NO SIGNS, YOUCAN'T GET ALL DYSLEXIC.

THE BETTER READERSGO FLYING PAST YOU...

"EAT MY DUST, RETARD!"

(Arj Barker)I THOUGHT I KNEWSOMETHING ABOUT IRELAND,

BUT ALL I KNEW ABOUTIRELAND BEFORE I WENT THERE

WAS WHAT I LEARNEDFROM WATCHING SOAPCOMMERCIALS ALL MY LIFE.

AND I WAS TOTALLYMISINFORMED.

I THOUGHT IT WASAN IRISH TRADITION

WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN TAKEA SHOWER WITH YOUR SOAP.

YOU TAKE YOURSOAP FOR A WALK.

YOU COMPLEMENT THE SOAPFOR A LITTLE WHILE.

AND THEN SUDDENLY YOUJUST START HACKING IT UP

WITH A HUNTING KNIFE.

(with accent)YOU'RE A NICE PIECE OF SOAP.

YOU'RE SMOOTH

AND YOU SMELL GOOD, TOO.

AND IT'S A PLEASURETO BE UP HERE ON THEMOUNTAINTOP WITH YA.

WAY UP HERE UPON THECRAGGY MOUNTAINTOP.

THERE YA GO.

FEEL THE WEE GENTLEBREEZE AGAINST YOUR BAR.

TAKE A LOOK ATTHE VALLEY BELOW.

THERE YA GO.

CAN YA SEE YOURHOUSE FROM HERE?

AY, THAT WAS A JOKE.

AND THAT'S THE LASTJOKE YOU'LL EVER HEAR,YA SUDSY BASTARD.

THERE'S A SLICEOFF THE SIDE OF YA.

THAT'S FOR SHOOTING OUTTA MEHAND LIKE A BUBBLING BULLET.

STICKIN' TO THEFLOOR OF THE SHOWER.

AND I CAN'T PRY YA UPWITH MY WEE FINGERNAILS,

SO I'VE GOTTA GOGET THE SPATULA.

GET DOWN ON THEGROUND THERE.

GET DOWN ON...

LATHER ALL YOU WANT.

NO ONE CAN HEAR YA.

AND DON'T THINKI DON'T KNOW

I'M DOING ASCOTTISH ACCENT.

(Janeane Garofalo)WHEN YOU DIE,APPARENTLY, UH,

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVETHAT YOUR HELL

IS-IS WHATEVER YOURMINDS EYE OF HELL IS.

AND UNFORTUNATELY I'VECOME FACE TO FACE

WITH WHAT MYHELL IS, ALL RIGHT?

I AM GONNA BE SENTENCEDTO THE STAIRMASTER RING

OF DANTE'S INFERNO, WHERE IHAVE TO GET ON A STAIRMASTER

AND THEY'RE GONNA TAPEMY FEET TO THE PEDDLES.

I REALIZE THAT STAIRMASTERTIME IS, IN FACT,

THE SLOWEST INCREMENTOF TIME KNOWN TO MAN.

JUST HANGS THERE...

AND THE ONLY MUSIC I GET ISMICHAEL BOLTON KARAOKE STYLE.

FROM, A... DRUNKENSECRETARY ONMARGARITA NIGHT

AND THAT'S GONNA BEIT, ISN'T THAT AWFUL?